Chapter Text
As i said before. In life , it is up to you rather you want to be chained and confined by what bonds your wrists. By what bruise up your thighs. Everything is up to you.
At least , that's what they said.
What we achieve in life is not purely because of God. God is up there only as spectator. To see , to hear. To watch. The only one that could helo you is yourself.
In some cases , love can make you feel whole. Funny enough , because most of the time , love can make you stupid.
Stupid enough to not be able to tell on which one is right , and which one is wrong. Many abused people stay loyal to their abusive spouses. For love , they said. For the kids , they said.
But if you are to be a kid from such dysfunctional family , would you still concider yourself having a figure to look up to ?. Would you still concider yourself to have a complete childhood ?. Would you still think that your birthday is special even if it means having your parents' fighting noises as the background music that congratulate you ?.
Would you still concider yourself be mentally healthy?....
-D.Z.A , 2022. In darkness of time.
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Flins was brought to the hospital. Military hospital , to be exact. That brown-haired kind lady takes care of everything. And , she seemed to be respected much around here , mostly because of her husband's influence.
Whoever he is , he must be a powerful man.
Now. Flins is dried off. Old clothes off. Letting out tired , painful sigh. He was laid on a bed. Inside one of the VVIP room. Yet again , thanks to that lady.
" Mrs. Ivanov , here's the gauze you requested. I'll put it on the tray. Are you in need of any assistance ? " One of the nurse from the front desk speaks.
" No need. Thank you for bringing those items. You may return to your duty " The kind hearted woman infront of him replied. Her hand delicately cleaning up other wounds on Flins' body.
The huge slash wound on Flins' back and right shoulder were already taken care of just an hour ago. They were devastatingly big , and deep. So Flins had no other choice but to let it be stitched , no matter how much he hates it.
" We didnt have a proper introduction earlier. That man was feral ." The lady said , as she cleaned up another cut wound.
" I could tell you suffer a lot for all these times..." She added , taking both Flins' hand into her gaze. The bruises , the cuts , everything a perfect depiction and story teller for everything Flins had seen and been through.
" I'm Adelheid Schneider . people usually refer to me as Mrs. Ivanov because it's my husband's surname. Though , you may call me whatever you like , dearest." She said , staring into Flins' eyes. Her voice as soothing as the rain.
Flins observed her for a little bit , that woman. She's obviously older than Flins. Though , not too far. Could be around her late 20s or her early 30s. She had brown hair. Cut as short , only reaching the crook of her neck. And it's styled nicely. Making her hair look fluffy , but eye pleasing. A pair of green eyes compliment her whole look even more.
" And you are ? " She asked , pulling Flins back into his senses.
" Kyryll. Kyryll Chudomirovich Flins. People usually call me Flins." Flins replied. Eyes away from Adelheid's. The woman processed the word just a few momments.
" Chudomirovich ? But you're..." She exclaimed , eyes darted towards Flins' heavy , pregnant belly.
" I honestly didnt think much about it , ma'am. Due to certain things beyond my control , i decided and thought changing my patronym would...do me better " Flins explained , voice as low as his self esteem. Though Adelheid , after hearing his explanation, did nothing else but smile and chuckle softly.
Not mocking , just surprised by the situation.
" I see. Does people really did call you Flins ?. You don't mind people calling you by your surname ? " She asked. Her hand reaching out for another soft cotton ball. Gently cleaning another wound on Flins' body. Flins shook his head. He never thought about it. But it's safe to say that had form somekind of deattachment towards his first name.
" No. Not at all , ma'am. And besides , only a few close people call me Kyryll. " Flins replied. Not providing much details about it.
" I see. In that case , do i have to honor to call you Kyryll aswell ? " Adelheid responded , asking with a soft grin.
" Of course , ma'am. You saved my life. You're more than allowed to call me Kyryll.." Flins replied with a nod.
Then came the pause. Both of them are silent. Flins' mind flew elsewhere. While Adelheid is still busy tending Flins' wounds.
" Regarding your identity. Are you certain about it ? . You know it's very hard to change your data. And the chances are , most places here don't accept any adjustments " Adelheid said.
And that got Flins thinking. It's true , what she said. Although Flins had changed his patronym to male , it would never be real. But at least , that's all he could do to bridge his inisial hatred towards being a woman and to that woman.
But this whole situation is ironic. He hates being a woman , hate it with guts. But here he is , round , 8 months pregnant with a child that will eventually come out to see the world. With a child that he had with someone he hates now...
" Yes , i'm certain about it ma'am. I don't mind the fact that i'm unable to make it official. As long as...i'm not like who i used to be " Flins replied with an awkward grin. Almost embarrassed.
" It's kinda rough now , is it ?. People should be able to express themselves freely. Not bound by the higher-ups ridiculous rules..." Adelheid snarks ridiculously. Her voice filled with irony. Not towards Flins , more like whatever is in the line of order.
" Your front name though , it's a masculine name. Have anything to say about that ? " Adelheid asked as she stood up and reach out for another bottle of saline to continue cleaning up.
" Ah , i believe when i was still in my mother's belly , my parents believed i was a boy. So , the name is fixed...." Flins replied. Of course , he doesn't really know the reason behind his front name. No one had ever told him. All he could remember was how....utterly great his life used to be.
Adelheid let out a hearty laugh at the made up , not knowing it wasn't exactly true. But she laughed anyway. A proof of her easy-going personality.
" Anyways , how long is your pregnancy ?." She asked , now gently applying some iodine on Flins' wounds.
" Around...i don't know....8 months. Yes , eight months , ma'am. My doctor says i'll give birth on November , as far as i remember." Flins replied , caressing a gentle hand on his round belly. Even though deep down , he had mixed feelings about it.
" Ah , it's almost time then ?. Have you decide on any names yet ? . " Adelheid asked again. While her hand is gentle and steady above Flins' wound.
" Names..huh.." Flins responded , his voice low. Not even above the sound of whisper.
He had never thought of any names. At least , not by himself. Victor had suggested a few names before. But none of it met Flins' criteria.
Flins shifted his tired eyes towards the ceiling again. His mind travels back to the past. He don't really know why. His mind just does that sometimes. It's not something he can control.
" Katerina." Sudenly , Flins' mouth moved. He muttered the name without thinking. Without considering it. But, the name had a good meaning, of course.
It should.
" Katerina you said ?. That's a great name. Whatever you pick out , make sure it has good meaning and carries hope. As names are prayers.." Adelheid responded softly , as soft as her smile. Her eyes occasionally darted away from Flins' wrist to the younger face.
Seeing just how disturbed he is by this whole pregnancy. She can see it through his eyes. The emptiness , the sorrow , the underlying confusion , the fear that gnaws at his belly , and the tiny bit of the patience that is left in his mind. The tiny fragments that kept him from going insane. At least , for a few momments more.
All those feelings were mixed up in a big pot, and presented clearly in front of her. In the insides of the poor figure that had been failed too much , both by the world , and the society. But she didnt dare to say anything.
The silence is there. But Adelheid could almost hear Flins' thoughts all clearly , the whispers of fear , thick in the air.
Finally , after a few minutes , Flins finally spoke up. His voice hoarse , and scared. Sounding so scared.
" Mrs. Adelheid...." Flins murmured.
" Yes my dear ? " The owner of the said name responded. Now, her eyes were more focused on Flins's lost face. After all, her job was done.
" I heard from some old folks back in my ex-husband's neighborhood that abortion is a disgraced move...foolish , devilish even...and that a woman who aborted her unborn infant is concidered inhabitants of hell..." Flins said. Eyes failed to focus on Adelheid's. A lump in his throat was thicker than any dick he had ever taken. Either for love and money.
" If i...abort this baby..." Flins didnt even manage to start. Eyes tearing up. Not because of the need to take care of the soon to be born baby , but because of fear.
Fear of what's people gonna think of him. Fear of what the God will do if he did such...Cruel thing.
" If i abort this baby , Will i go to hell..??" Flins said again. Now tears cannot be contained by his once pretty eyelids. In his mind , there's only the image of him being tortured in hell. Hung , impaled , whipped , ripped , and burnt slowly until every nerve in his body can melt like animal fat.
" I don't want to go to hell , Mrs. Adelheid...i don't wanna. I wanna meet my papa.." Flins sobbed out again , louder this time. More painful , more raw , with a hint of absolute innocence.
Adelheid run a gentle caress over Flins' hair and let the trembling figure cry some more. Maybe , it was the only time Flins would have enough energy to let out so much emotion. As tears were the form of someones deepest emotion.
" What if God was mad at me ?. I-...i'm scared of raising this human alone...i can't do it , Mrs. Adelheid..."
" I'm scared...i'm scared , i'm scared , i'm scared... I can't do it. I don't think i can.." Flins murmured again , against the woman that was the only source of comfort right now.
Adelheid didnt say too much , she whispers a few soothing words while trying to get Flins to calm down. Until she spoke some more.
" No no , Kyryll... None of that were true." Adelheid replied.
" But the pastor said-"
" No. A pastor or whatever who can't exactly judge what kind of person you are for feeling scared. For feeling like you're unable to do something. Only God can do that. " Adelheid added. Not letting Flins justify whatever kind of blasphemy those so called religious people sputtered to that poor figure.
" The only one that could judge wether you deserve to go to hell or heaven is the creator himself. Not those people , Kyryll. They're not even as close as God himself." She added , stated even.
" The creator is the fairest among creatures..." She added , soothingly.
" If humans can be fair , of course , God will be even more fair. Don't listen to those blasphemer.. "
Flins didnt say anything else. But tears definitely kept on ruining his face. Though Adelheid's words run through his mind , the internal confliction still poison him greatly. Like a merciless karma , as great as the blizzard.
It took some times for Flins to calm down. But of course , the tears were still there. Adelheid left him alone in that room , to let him clear up. Just a bit.
Flins can still hear the faint sound of rain outside. The sound of rain hitting pebbles , the roof , and the slight sound of laughter. All coming from the outside. His eyes are fixated on to the door before darting away , right back at the ceiling.
The voices in his head rung even louder than anything right now.
His life is done for , he knows that. Here he is , heavily injured , round and pregnant , with no one by his side. Literally no one. Husband ? Go to hell with that. Kostya was nowhere to be found. He had no other relatives. No one else is left.
His eyes grew even more clouded. In his eyes , He faintly saw his own reflection. In his own eyes. His image as a child long ago. So full of life, so happy. And that vision continued to fill his increasingly teary eyes.
His thoughts were interrupted when he felt Adelheid's hand stroking his head again. He looked at the kind woman, now holding a piece of bread.
" I'm sure you haven't had anything in your system. Your skin is dry , your lips chapped , and you look hungry " she said. Giving the bread to Flins.
Ah yes...
He hadn't eaten anything for the whole day. . There was no food at home..
He happily accept it , taking a big bite. Patheticly , he can't stop himself from tearing up again as he ate slowly.
" Come on , don't eat while crying. You're gonna choke , baby. " Adelheid whispers softly , her tone affectionate. Motherly. Slipping some strands of Flins' hair to the back of his ears , and even push out some hair that sticks from sweat off Flins' face. So he could eat without chewing his own hair.
" Eat it. Eat it as much as you want , i have more. " She added , sitting beside Flins.
The piece was devoured. Only the wrapper was left. Flins stares at Adelheid again. Who's still patiently waiting for him to finish.
" Want more ? " She asked gently. And Flins immediately nodded.
" Can i...? " Flins murmured. Still teary.
" Of course you can , baby. Here. Eat more " that woman replied. Giving Flins another loaf.
" You're doing great. You're really starving , huh ?." She said , yet again , caressing Flins' hair.
" i'm taking you to my house , alright ?. I'm gonna cook you all the things you want , darling. I promise i'll protect you. Me and my husband will protect you " Adelheid said again.
" Something tells me you're not from here." She murmured.
" Would you tell me exactly what happened when we get home ? " She asked again.
Flins can't make up what she's saying.
Starvation had driven him to focus solely on the bread at his hand.
But that doesn't matter. As Adelheid knew , Flins would come with her. Eventually.