Chapter Text
When Dean opens his bedroom door and is hit once again by the smell of liquor and cigarette smoke coming from the living room, he isn't even surprised. He's relieved, if that makes any sense. It means that his drunk of a dad made it home from the bar without getting hit by a car or wrapping his own around a tree, again. But then again, he can't really drive any more, so that's unrealistic. Not since Dean took the keys away on his Uncle Bobby's orders and now keeps the car out of John's irresponsible hands. He takes a deep breath before walking down the dingy hallway to the door at the very end.
Dean opens the door slightly, but when he sees that Sam is still passed out, Dean decides to give him a few more minutes before waking him up. It's not like they have school today, it is Saturday in the summer, but Dean doesn't want to be here when John wakes up.
He doesn't need to be told how worthless he is this early in the morning, there's plenty of time for that later today.
Not that he doesn't deserve it, because he definitely thinks he does. He knows that it's his fault John is in this position anyways, or at least that's what John tells him anyways. He runs a hand through his hair as he quietly shuts Sam's door again and wanders carefully to the little bathroom. He flips on the florescent light and sighs at his reflection staring at him from the mirror.
He has dark purple bags under his eyes that make it obvious how badly his night was with his nightmare ridden sleep. He was up until eleven anyways and after sleeping for a total of one hour, he woke up shaking and in tears. The rest of the night was spent trying to keep himself from falling back to sleep in fear of having another dream. They've been getting worse lately and he has no idea why. It's not like he hasn't been dealing with this for years, it has been twelve years since he supposedly caught the house on fire, killing his mom and almost himself. He does have the faint scars on his body that prove it. Which, is another reason he looks away from the mirror with a full on scowl.
Dean pulls off his shirt and sweatpants while very pointedly not looking at the mirror. He starts up the shower and hops in without allowing the water to heat up, but doesn't even shy away from the freezing water. He just allows it to run over his head and rinse away the negative thoughts.
He grabs the cheap shampoo from the small shelf built into the wall and squirts some into his palm before rubbing into his hair, the smell of artificial mango filling the small shower stall. It's better than the apple shampoo Sam had insisted on getting last time, but he still wishes he didn't have to use something so fruity smelling that doesn't do anything but get his hair clean.
That's all they can afford, so he doesn't complain because it does the job. It's lucky they have what they do anyways.
After the shower he pulls on a flannel, jeans, and his leather jacket before waking Sam up. They're not headed anywhere, but Dean thinks maybe a visit downtown could do the both of them some good. He sits down on Sam's bed while the kid is in the bathroom, just because he doesn't feel like sitting in the living room or kitchen where his dad could potentially be.
Dean looks around Sam's little bedroom, his eyes lingering on the few drawings above the twin-sized bed. A small smile graces his lips as he looks at the hand drawn family portrait. It's based on their life from before the fire, not that Sam should remember that time. Dean wants to look away, but can't bring himself to.
He wishes that there was an actual picture like this.
Sam comes in to Dean looking at the picture with a weird intensity, but Dean snaps out of it right away.
"You ready, Sammy?" he asks after he notices that Sam's dressed. With Sam's nod, they both head out of the house without making a sound.
"Are we gonna drive?" Sam asks, looking at Dean's Impala pointedly.
"Would you be okay if we didn't? I was thinking we could just walk into town and maybe do some window shopping," Dean suggests, looking at his brother and shrugging slightly. They both know they won't be doing much shopping, but it's nice to dream anyways. "It would be quicker to drive, but it's a nice day."
"That's fine," Sam says, so they both start walking in the direction of town.
It's only about a mile away from their house, so it will only take about twenty minutes to get into to town if they walk at a quick pace. Neither of them are feeling very energized though, so they walk slow. They don't talk on the way, but it's a comfortable silence that neither of them feel the need to break.
Dean takes a deep breath of the clean, crisp air and sighs before pulling out a small box from his pocket. He pulls a cigarette from the box and uses his lighter to light it up. He takes a drag of it and relishes the feeling of the nicotine entering his bloodstream. Dean blows the smoke out of his mouth and continues the process until the cigarette is gone.
He ignores the sad, disappointed looks that Sam keeps sending him from the corner of his eye.
He knows Sam doesn't like when he drinks or smokes and he did try to quit both last year, but he couldn't. He typically only drinks when the nightmares are bad or he can't get out of his own brain. He knows how bad that sounds and it only makes him think about how weak he is. He knows how pathetic he is, how worthless and useless he is. He doesn't need anybody to tell him, especially not his dad, just how pathetic he actually is. Sam tried to help him quit, but one night Dean woke up absolutely terrified and found a bottle of whiskey, which he drank all of that night. After that, he couldn't stop the drinking and he hadn't honestly tried to stop smoking.
He feels bad for making Sam worry, but he can't even function on some days without a drink and a pack of cigarettes.
By the time they make it into town it's eleven, which means they have about three hours until Dean has to take Sam home and go to work.
"Where you wanna go first, Sammy?" Dean asks with a smile plastered across his face. Sam doesn't answer, just grabs his sleeve and pulls him in the direction of the bookstore. Dean chuckles, he figured Sam would want to go there, the little nerd. He doesn't say anything-- as long as Sam is happy, Dean's happy. They walk to the little store on the corner quickly. When they walk in, it's almost like a weight was lifted off of Sam's shoulders. He seems to relax and smiles for the first time this morning. Dean takes a deep breath in and feels a smile of his own grow on his face.
Sam instantly goes looking through the shelves, leaving Dean to glance around by himself.
He walks over to the shelf with a sign titled 'Classics' and looks through them. He runs his fingers over the weathered edges of a first edition copy of Animal Farm and smiles. He hasn't read it yet, but his English teacher talks about Orwell like he hung the fucking moon just by writing this book. Dean looks at the price, shocked to find it a reasonable amount. He nods slightly and turns to find Sammy.
He just about jumps out of his skin when he almost runs into someone who was standing right behind him.
"Holy shit, you scared me," Dean laughs, looking at the stranger who obviously works there and meets bright blue eyes that give him an apologetic look. "It's okay, it was my fault," he says. The man looks down at the book that Dean forgot he was carrying and furrows his brows along with a little head tilt.
"Oh, have you read this before? I never have, but I hear it's good."
The guy nods and walks around Dean to point at another book with his eyebrows still furrowed, which Dean thinks means he's asking him if he's read that one. Dean takes a closer look and nods when he sees that it's Slaughter House 5.
"Yea, I love that one. It has to be one of my favorite books," Dean says. The guy nods thoughtfully, but then shakes his head as if saying 'not my favorite'. He points yet again at another book by Vonnegut called Player Piano. "I've never read that one," he says, earning a shocked expression from the stranger.
"What's your name?" He asks, curious to know about the very literate stranger who is honestly one of the most handsome guys that Dean has seen. He didn't realize it right away, but now that he takes a moment to look the guy over, damn is he hot. His blue eyes pop off of his pale skin and his dark hair makes his skin look even paler than it probably is.
The man points to his name tag instead of answering, the sassy fucker. Dean chuckles and looks at the name. "Casteel?" He says, but the guy shakes his head no.
"CastIel?" Another shake of the guy's head. "Can I just call ya Cas?" Dean asks, earning a nod and a bright smile that spreads to Cas's eyes. "You don't say much, do ya Cas?" Dean laughs, but it's cut off when another voice sounds out from behind him.
"That's 'cause he's mute, dumb ass," The voice says. Dean turns to see a shorter man with brown hair at the counter.
"My name's Gabriel. That's Castiel, he's mute. If you couldn't tell by how he just points to things and nods and stuff," Gabriel says as if Dean was a moron. "I own the place, he works here."
"Well calling potential customers 'dumb asses' isn't necessarily good business, is it Gabe?" Dean says. Gabriel just laughs, looking at the book still tucked under Dean's arm, silently calling him out. Luckily, Sam chooses that moment to come walking around the shelves with a book in hand and a smile on his face. "Did you find one, Sammy?" Dean asks, thankful for the diversion. Sam nods, but looks at Castiel and Gabriel warily.
"Yea, can I get it?" He asks quietly, knowing that they have barely any money for food this month because of their dad's decision to take some of the money from the bank account to use for a bottle of whiskey. Dean nods and puts an arm on his shoulder.
"'Course ya can, Sam. I'm gonna get one," Dean says, holding up his book. "This is Castiel and Gabriel, by the way. Gabe owns the store."
Sam smiles and begins talking with Gabe, slowly walking over to the counter that Gabe's standing at and pulls out some money that Dean had given him before they left the house to pay. Dean turns to Cas who is seemingly spaced out while looking out the front window. Dean takes a step forward and catches Castiel's bright eyes.
"So Cas, do you go to school here?" Dean asks.
Castiel nods enthusiastically and looks at Dean with a question in his eyes, as if he's asking 'what grade are you in?'.
Dean can't quite place how he knows what Cas is saying just by looking into his eyes, but he can.
"I'll be a senior this year," He says. Cas nods and points at Dean then himself. Dean understands, 'me too'.
"Did you just move here? I haven't seen ya around before," He asks. Castiel nods somberly and his eyes turn sad slightly. "You miss your old school?" Cas nods again. "It's okay, you won't be alone when school starts next week. I'll come find you and you can hang with me and my Charlie, if you want to, I mean," Dean says. Cas looks at him with a strange look in his eye that Dean can't place, but he eventually nods, getting more enthusiastic as it goes on.
"Great, I'll see you next week then," Dean smiles, which Castiel mirrors.
"Dean, you ready?" Sam asks, breaking up the little bubble that Dean and Castiel had fallen into. Dean nods and smiles once more at Cas, at little more subdued this time, before heading out the door.
"Bye Cas," He says with a small wave, that Cas answers with a wave of his own.
***
Sam and Dean decide to walk up and down the streets of town, stopping only when something seems really interesting. Dean eventually agrees to let Sam walk home by himself, but only with the promise that he would call when he gets there. They continue to walk without saying much of anything, both of them just enjoying the peacefulness of the downtown area in their little town. They stop at the small ice cream shop to get cones to eat while they walk. Dean looks over at Sam and smiles at the happiness in his younger brother's eyes.
Dean may not think that he deserves happiness, but he is positive the Sam does. He doesn't deserve what he's been through and Dean sometimes wishes that Sam had been born to a different family that was better than his little one he has now, not that Dean would trade his family for the world. Sure, his dad's an asshole who drinks too much and gets violent, but at least they have a dad, right? Dean can't help but feel guilty for how his dad is now, he knows it's his fault. His dad's words echo in his brain all day, every day. You killed you mom, you worthless piece of shit. It should've been you, it's your fault. You deserve everything I do to you.
"Dean, it's almost one. Can I walk with you to the garage, though? I wanna see Bobby for a second," Sam asks, pulling Dean out of his head. Dean looks down at his brother's ridiculous puppy eyes and rolls his eyes. Sam knows that if he does the puppy eyes thing, Dean can't say no.
"Yea, sure Sammy. It's not too far of a walk from the house. What book did you end up getting?" Dean asks, knowing that if he gets Sam on the topic of books that he'll talk the whole ten minutes to the garage. Sam doesn't disappoint and goes in to great detail explaining the plot and characters of the book he checked out. He tells Dean how his teacher had recommended it the year before, but Sam forgot about it until he saw it on the shelf in the bookstore. Dean nods along to the whole story and tries not to laugh about how passionate Sam is about the book.
It's not like Dean can't talk forever about something, like his music for example. He once talked to his friend Charlie about Led Zeppelin for half an hour without stopping to let her speak.
When they get to the garage, there's lots of loud noises erupting from inside. To most, they might think it was intrusive. To Dean, the sounds of machines working and cars being fixed is comforting. As they enter the garage, Dean skillfully maneuvers through the organized chaos of spare parts sitting on the floor. He looks back to make sure Sam is following, which he is, and walks to the office where they are sure to find Bobby. When they get to the tiny room, Bobby is sitting at his desk typing on a computer that looks like it's from the dinosaur era.
"Hey Bobby," Dean says in unison with Sam when they have stood in the office for about thirty seconds without being acknowledged. "Sam wanted to come say hi for a minute before he heads home. I'm just gonna go clock in real quick and then I'll get to work," Dean says before shuffling hurriedly to the little break room and clocks himself in before heading out to work on the next car in the line up. "Hey Ash, what's this one in for?" He asks when he doesn't find a tag on it explaining what is wrong with it.
"All the person who dropped it off said was that it was making a weird noise. They didn't know much about cars, obviously," Ash calls from the other side of the garage. Dean sighs and grabs the keys to the car out of the little box with the model of the car so they can tell which set goes to which car. He starts the engine and cringes at the metal on metal sound that erupts from the engine. This obviously isn't going to be an easy or cheap fix.
Dean sets to work and ends up fixing the carburetor and replacing the spark plug because they were in terrible condition. The repair took him his entire six hour shift and pulled his attention so much that he doesn't even remember seeing Sam leave. He looks down and realizes that he is covered in oil and absolutely filthy just as Ash yells for him again. "Hey Dean, you get that car all fixed up?"
"Yea Ash, why?" Dean shouts back as he washes his hands in the back.
"The owner is here for it. They wanna ask the person who fixed it up a few questions," Ash shouts back. Dean doesn't say anything, just nods even though he knows Ash can't see him and dries his hands before heading out to the front desk, a place that he doesn't visit often. Usually his friend Jo, Bobby's step daughter, works the front counter as a type of secretary, but she has been taking time to work at her mom's restaurant lately. Dean pulls up the paper work for the repair, including the price and other random information the owner may need. Dean hears someone walk up to the counter and looks up, his mouth pulling into a smile before he even realizes it.
"Hey Cas! Didn't expect to see ya again so soon. Are you the owner of the gold Lincoln Continental?" Dean asks a smiling Castiel, who nods promptly. "Okay cool, I just fixed it up for ya. Normally this is the point where I'd chew you out for the spark plugs and the oil level being so low, but I think it would put a strain on our new friendship," Dean chuckles at his own joke while Cas just smiles bigger and nods in agreement.
Dean looks down at the piece of paper he just printed and crosses out the price and gives Cas the friends and family discount without saying anything. Dean knows he just met the guy, but it feels like they've been friends for years. He hands Cas the paper right as Gabriel strolls in the door.
"Hey Dean-o! You didn't fix up Cassie's junk heap of a car did ya?" Gabe asks, earning a pointed glare from Cas and a nod from Dean. "Damn, guess that means it's more broken now than it was before, huh?" Gabe teases. He slips the piece of paper from Cas's hands and his eyebrows go up slightly. "This is a lot less than I thought-"
"Yea, Bobby has cheap prices," Dean interrupts, not wanting either brother to realize what he did. Gabe just nods, but gives Dean a knowing look before beginning to pull out what Dean assumes is his wallet, when Cas puts his hand on Gabe's arm and shakes his head. Sighing, Gabe puts the wallet back in his pocket as Castiel pulls out his own wallet and hands Dean a credit card, which he promptly swipes and hands back.
Castiel then pulls out a small notebook and a pen from his back pocket and writes something down quickly. He hands Dean the little notepad and puts the pen back in his pocket. Dean looks down at the note and momentarily admires the neat handwriting. Please charge an extra ten dollars to the card for your tip. Dean shakes his head.
"Cas, that's way too much. Really, the repair didn't take that long. Just my whole shift. Cas shakes his head and looks at Dean with determination in his eyes.
"You might as well do what he says, he is super stubborn and won't change his mind," Gabe says after watching the whole exchange. With a sigh of defeat, Dean charges an extra ten dollars to the card and gives Cas a receipt to sign.
"Thank you, Cas. Have a nice day you guys," Dean says as the two turn to walk out the door. Gabriel does this little wave without turning around, but Castiel turns and smiles before waving too.
Dean finds himself thinking about how blue Cas's eyes are for the rest of the night. He can feel a little crush blooming, but tries not to get his hopes up. It won't last, Castiel wanting to be my friend. I know that eventually Cas will leave me and realize that he is so much better than I am. I know it already, so I'll just cherish whatever I can until he realizes it too. Dean falls asleep thinking about how Cas's eyes had sparkled at the bookstore and his reminders to himself about how pathetic he is and how Castiel will figure that out eventually.