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Urban Bedford is nine years old when his dad hits him for the first time.
He was never good at being his father’s son, preferring to stay indoors and read rather than go and play in the dirt, and his relationship with Dad was… strained. But it’s not until he’s nine when Dad first strikes him.
It happens after school, when Urban is in a foul mood after seeing his big sister kiss a boy he really wants to be friends with, and he gets so jealous for reasons he can’t understand that he can’t stop sulking.
And Jennie must know him better than he thought, because she nudges Urban and says, “Ooh, are you jealous, Urban? Do you wish you’d kissed Simon instead?”
And when Urban goes bright red and starts to realise that she’s right, and that means he likes boys (that he’s queer) and he does wish he’d held Simon’s hand and given him a peck on the lips like Jennie did, Jennie giggles like she just learned the world’s best gossip and Urban panics, terrified that she’s going to tell everyone at school. So, he pushes her, and she hits the ground hard enough to bruise.
And then Jennie cries so loudly that their dad comes running, yelling at them about stupid children ruining his day off, and before Urban can say anything, Jennie is telling their father everything. Including the fact that Urban very much likes boys.
Urban doesn’t even see Dad’s hand move. The next thing he knows, he’s on the floor too, pain exploding through his ear. Tears well up in his eyes, and Dad sighs.
“No son of mine will be a fairy,” he says, rubbing his reddening knuckles. “Stop crying, you little poof, and don’t you dare think anything like that again.”
Urban just sniffles and clutches his sore ear. He doesn’t sleep that night, tormented by the realisation he might be gay, and unable to forget the disgust in his father’s voice.
---
From that day on, whenever Urban does anything that deviates from Dad’s idea of what a ‘real boy’ should do, Dad hits him. Sometimes it’s a slipper to his backside, or another clip around the ear, or on one memorable occasion shoving Urban so hard to the ground that he broke his wrist… the method doesn’t matter. Urban’s father seems determined to beat the queerness out of him.
It never works. Urban refuses to stop being who he is, even if his father beats him black and blue.
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When he starts senior school, having to take the bus into the nearest town because their village doesn’t have a comp, Urban finds himself massively out of his depth, suddenly surrounded by over one thousand students. And unlike at his tiny village primary school, he hasn’t known most of them since they were tiny. And it doesn’t take long at all for Urban to attract negative attention for being too quiet, too small, too delicate. Just from his mannerisms and whole demeanour, Urban soon finds himself the centre of a rumour about being gay. And even though he never once actually acts gay at school, the rumour persists.
Only three weeks after starting high school, a group of older boys corner Urban in the toilets and begin to bully him. He shies away from them, flinching like he does when Dad raises his voice, and they laugh at him. They ask if it’s true that he’s gay, and why the hell do they let freaks like him into the boys’ toilets, and he wants to cry.
And when he goes home and gets caught playing with his sister’s old dolls instead of whatever a proper son is meant to do, and Dad smacks him across the face hard enough to bruise, something inside Urban breaks. He’s sick of being treated like dirt just for being who he is.
So, the next day at school, the first time someone calls him a poof, he snaps. Anger surging through him, Urban copies his father’s favourite technique and punches the boy hard in the ear. And when the boy’s confidence vanishes instantly, scrabbling backwards away from Urban in fear… Urban doesn’t expect the rush of satisfaction upon seeing the terror in the boy’s eyes.
He feels… powerful.
And finally getting to take out his anger on someone else and make people scared of him… it gives Urban the confidence to not only fight back, but also boss around everyone who laughed at him.
And before long, Urban Bedford is no longer a laughingstock or a target for bullies. People are scared of him. And after spending years being yelled at and beaten until he cried, it feels good to bring other people to tears for once.
---
It’s sick, but now Urban keeps getting into trouble for beating up people at school, he swears his father likes him more. Mum is furious with him, begging Urban to stop being a bully, but Dad seems happy that his son beats the shit out of people at school just for looking at him funny. He shouts at Urban less, and Urban realises it has been days since his father last hit him, when it used to happen every single day. Yes, he keeps getting the cane at school for causing fights, but he’s not scared of the headmaster. He is scared of his father, and if being an arsehole at school makes his father less terrifying, Urban isn’t going to stop. Not that he planned on stopping anyway; it feels good when people run away from him at school.
He's finally found a way for his father to like him. And even though he knows deep down that beating up boys at school is a horrible thing to do, Urban can’t bring himself to care. If it stops him being scared in his own home, he’ll take anything the teachers throw at him at school.
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By his third year at high school, Urban becomes known as one of the school’s biggest bullies. Some fail to believe it, given how short he is and the undeniably effeminate tone to his voice that he refuses to disguise, but they soon come to realise how true it is. You only have to look at him the wrong way to get punched in the face or your belongings stolen or told how much of a pathetic piece of shit you are.
And as he bullies them, Urban smiles, high on that incredible rush of power and control.
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Urban stares down at Carl’s body, unmoving, at his feet. The boy’s lips have gone blue, his lifeless face contorted into an expression of terror. An expression that Urban will never forget.
He just killed someone. Another kid. Just because Carl Jackson spoke back to him, Urban decided to shove a tangerine into the other boy’s mouth to teach him a lesson—and because he thought it would look hilarious. And for a moment, it did. Until Carl started choking. At first, Urban thought Carl would cough it up, but he just got worse. And even Urban’s pathetic attempts to slap his back and unblock his throat didn’t work. It only took a few minutes for Carl to die. All while Urban just stood there, not knowing what to do.
He didn’t want to kill him. He just wanted to teach Carl a lesson. Scare him into respecting him. Not… this. What has he done?
Urban’s stomach churns and he wonders if he might throw up. He shudders for breath, blinking back tears. He begins to shiver despite the sweaty September heatwave, his hands trembling. The rush of power has vanished, leaving behind a ball of guilt where his heart used to be.
Urban Bedford is thirteen years old when he kills another boy, and the guilt will haunt him for as long as he lives.