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“I can’t grant you that wish,” said the genie who looked weirdly like Yu Wenzhou if Yu Wenzhou was into wearing photoshoot-worthy clothes and makeup all the time instead of crashing around in his t-shirt, shorts and crocs in summer to Huang Shaotian.
“But you’re a genie,” Huang Shaotian said. “Aren’t you supposed to have the power to grant my wishes?”
Genie Yu Wenzhou looked offended. “I’m choosing not to grant your wish. It’s too OP. It’ll destabilise everything.”
“All I asked for is a Blue Rain dynasty,” Huang Shaotian argued. “How is that OP? That’s only two more years of winning championships, it’s not like I asked for Blue Rain to win every championship forever until the sun burns out. I bet you didn’t say this to Ye Qiu, he won three years in a row and it’s not like anything broke. Since when could genies decide what wishes to grant, I thought you were just supposed to grant all of them? And you still haven’t explained why you look like my captain, it’s really weird, he only ever wears these kinds of clothes when it’s a requirement and I don’t think moonlighting as a genie meets that criteria, and don’t you know it’s really distracting? Wait, is that your plan - make me forget I can wish for all my wishes to come true?”
“Although you’ve already said no to one of them, so I suppose it wouldn’t work,” he added, scowling.
“It’s OP because for narrative reasons Samsara needs a championship,” the genie told him.
“For narrative reasons Blue Rain needs three championships in a row,” Huang Shaotian shot back. “Just let them win afterwards?”
The genie ignored him. “Make a different wish,” it ordered. “Or else I’ll go find this Ye Qiu.”
“Yeah, and then he’ll tell you he wants to win Glory forever and ever and ever, and then you’ll have to explain to him that it’s too OP,” muttered Huang Shaotian. “Ok, I wish my captain’s APM was faster.”
“He doesn’t need that,” said the genie.
“No, but it would be nice,” Huang Shaotian said.
“For narrative reasons I can’t do that either,” the genie told him.
Huang Shaotian threw up his hands. The novelty of a genie telling him he could grant three wishes was fast wearing off. Speaking of, why did he believe this genie could grant wishes anyway? Were genies even real? He hadn’t even gotten an answer for why the genie looked like Yu Wenzhou. Maybe he needed to go to a temple and buy his captain some demon-warding amulets or talismans or whatever, it couldn’t be good for Yu Wenzhou to be having his image stolen.
“You have to make at least one wish,” the genie added, right before Huang Shaotian could tell him he wished for no more wishes. Huang Shaotian groaned.
“I wish my cute little pet turtle could communicate,” he said. “Not in a body language way! Like make noises—“
“Granted for a day!” the genie shouted, and disappeared.
Oh, he was definitely some knockoff genie. Not even forever? As soon as he was awake, Huang Shaotian was going to hit up every old monk and incense burner he could find until Yu Wenzhou was so smoked out nobody was ever stealing his face again. He sniffed, then woke himself up with an almighty sneeze.
“HONK,” his turtle said.
Huh?
“HONK! HONK HONK HONK!” bellowed his turtle, waddling vigorously about. Staring at it, Huang Shaotian could almost see a long neck and powerful wings-
“HONK!” His turtle jumped at him.
“What the-“ Huang Shaotian stumbled out of bed. His turtle flew gracefully through the air, chomped down on his slippers, and began attempting to tow him out of the door.
Wait… a goose (if it honks like a goose and can fly like a goose… even if it has the shell of a turtle…) trying to lead him somewhere. “Are you my Soulmate Goose of Enforcement? Er, turtle?”
His Soulmate Turtle of Enforcement just kept dragging him towards the door.
Being a turtle (even if it had the soul of a goose), it was not very successful. Huang Shaotian picked it off the floor, earning himself a loud HONK in the process. By now, the honking had woken all of Blue Rain up, and they gathered around the dining table to watch him fight a honking turtle.
Zheng Xuan: “I don’t think turtles are supposed to honk.”
Yu Feng: “Maybe it’s protesting against Shaotian talking to it all day long.”
Xu Jingxi: “Why am I seeing wings on it?”
“I met a useless genie in my dream who couldn’t give me anything I wanted so I wished I could understand my turtle but the genie only listened to half my sentence and now my turtle is also my Soulmate Goose of Enforcement,” Huang Shaotian told them. “Also the genie looked weirdly like captain and I think we all need to go to a temple and light some incense and put talismans all over the place because I don’t like the idea that dodgy spirits are wearing captain’s face out there.”
Song Xiao: “You made a wish to understand your turtle?”
Zheng Xuan: “You’re holding your Soulmate Goose of Enforcement?”
Yu Wenzhou: “Have you been stressed or sleeping late lately, Shaotian?”
“I told you, the genie was useless, it kept talking about narrative reasons for why it couldn’t grant wishes like Blue Rain getting triple championships or captain getting crazy high APM and I got so tired of it I wished for a random thing, right? No captain I’m not remotely stressed and I slept at a perfectly normal time you can trust me!”
Yu Wenzhou: “Ye Qiu says you stayed up tussling with him over a wild boss last night.”
Huang Shaotian was saved by his turtle flying out of his hands, using its stubbly legs to… swim through the air, he supposed, since the wings weren’t really real. His turtle landed on his keyboard and booted up Glory.
Zheng Xuan: “Your soulmate is yourself?”
What - no!
Xu Jingxi: “Your soulmate is Troubling Rain?”
Huang Shaotian wasn’t a narcissist, thank you very much.
Yu Feng: “Your soulmate is Glory?”
That sounded great in theory, but in practice, Huang Shaotian wasn’t particularly sure he wanted to share a soulmate with Ye Qiu and however many others. His Soulmate Turtle of Enforcement honked at him. Yu Wenzhou frowned, and Huang Shaotian became extremely aware of his own dry mouth.
“Maybe I am sleeping too late,” he admitted.
He heard someone say, oh wow he’s even admitting it in his sleep! Did you get it on video? There were more honking noises, and movement on his shoulder.
Huang Shaotian woke up to a phone camera being pointed at him, Song Xiao grinning at him from behind the phone. “He woke up!” he announced to the rest of Blue Rain. That was when Huang Shaotian became aware of two things: the recorded honking playing from Xu Jingxi’s phone, and the stiffness in his neck from, apparently, falling asleep on the beanbag. He groaned and sat up.
“Whatever you recorded, you better delete it, or else I’ll put all my okra into your food for the next month,” he warned. “But seriously, I just had the strangest dream! It was so weird. Actually it was a dream within a dream, you guys were all in it too - but first, where’s the nearest temple, and how do I make offerings?”