I'm not in love, so don't forget it

by halosfordevils

Summary:

Since the beginning, Beomgyu knew that he didn't have the space inside of him for love. He had were far too many other commitments. Until, Choi Soobin made his own space in his heart.

Chapter 1: I'm not in love

It was December 10, 2018. Outside, the ground was covered in snow. Beomgyu watched from the basement practice room. There was a small window at the top, showing the snow outside. It was halfway covered with snow. There was just enough space to see the blue sky above. He had his knees to his chest. His knees had splotches of purple. Reminders of his struggles with the harsh training. It was just him and three other trainees in the practice. His hands shook as he pressed his knees further to his chest. Though he was wearing a long-sleeved sweater, it still wouldn’t help the cold feeling plaguing his body. The company never paid for heating. He knew that they couldn’t pay for it even if they wanted to. So he managed with the feeling. 

Suddenly, his view was blocked by a tall man.

Beomgyu looked up, furrowing his brows. 

“Hey, don’t tell Park-nim, but I got hot chocolate,” Soobin whispered, sitting next to Beomgyu. Beomgyu ached for the warmth of hot chocolate, the sweetness on his tongue and the disappearance of the cold. But he knew that hot chocolate was not possible. After all, they all needed to watch their weight. Sugar would only set him back. He hadn’t been meeting his weight quota for a while

Soobin tilted the drink towards Beomgyu. He looked over, confused.

“Split it with me, I drank half of it already,” Soobin said. “I know you’re freezing. And it’s not a lot of calories if we’re splitting it, right?”

Beomgyu accepted the cup, his hands instantly losing the cold feeling that he had prior. His tremors calmed with the warmth of the cup. He almost didn’t drink it, wanting to cherish the warm feeling. However, he couldn’t fight his other desires. It’s felt like years since he allowed himself to consume something sweet. He never felt like his body was in a safe place where he could do so without feeling horrible afterward. Yet, he found himself placing the cup to his lips. This was the first time he had rebelled in months. It was a strange feeling. He had never been an obedient kid. His teachers constantly scolded him for being too loud, not doing his work, or playing around. But ever since he became a trainee, his past self was a faint memory. He had been beaten down, and the fight he once had left him long ago. He was just a shell of the person he used to be. But now, he could feel the memory of that boy— the boy who was far too loud for his own good. 

And the feeling was sweet. A rich liquid coated his tongue, its sweetness lingering like a warm embrace. Instantly, a soft glow of warmth spread throughout his body, reviving him from the inside out. When he finished the hot chocolate, he could hear Soobin laughing beside him. 

“Good, right?” Soobin asked. “I had the same reaction as you. It’s a shame that they leave us to freeze in the cold, but get mad when we try to make it tolerable. It’s dumb.”

Beomgyu thinks back to that day when he felt lonely. Though it may sound dramatic, Soobin saved his life that day. He was considering giving up on his dreams and returning to his life. The life he had before turning into an idol. He would go back to school, somehow make up all the things he missed, get a blue-collar job, and pay back all the debt he had accumulated. But he didn’t do that. Soobin showed him that day that there was still warmth in the world. 

He had grown cold himself since then. Perhaps it was the climate of the year they had been having? After all, 2025 hasn't been easy. However, it wasn’t solely due to their workload, although it was partially to blame. The main reason they struggled was due to inner conflict within the group. It all started in September. 

“You two are so gross…” Beomgyu mumbled, walking into the living room.  It hadn’t been the first time that he had caught Taehyun and Kai kissing. For some odd reason, they always seemed to do it at around 7 pm every night. Beomgyu hated their public display of affection. It was disgusting and shameful to him. However, their display of affection wasn’t all too public. After all, they were doing it in the privacy of their own home. However, Beomgyu simply didn’t want to bear witness to such a disgusting act—the act of placing your lips on another person. 

Taehyun broke away from the kiss, rolling his eyes. 

“Why are you so bothered by what we’re doing?” Taehyun asked, turning to Beomgyu. “You could just look away.” 

“Look away?” Beomgyu asked. “Why can’t you two just stop being all over each other for once? Other people live here for fucks sake.” 

“You do realize that you’re the only person who has a problem with us kissing, right?” Taehyun asked.

Beomgyu stayed quiet. It was true. He was the only one who was disturbed by the sight of them kissing.  To Yeonjun and Soobin, Kai and Taehyun’s kiss-cidents were not shameful. For the most part, they hardly paid attention to the kissing. It was, frankly, none of their concern. Beomgyu stood in silence as Taehyun waited for a response from him. Kai awkwardly shifted next to Taehyun as he always did. 

“We’ll stop kissing in front of you, hyung,” Kai said, breaking the thick silence between them. Taehyun looked at Kai, completely stunned and confused. Kai glanced back at Taehyun, silently telling him to go along with it. So Taehyun kept quiet. 

“I really don’t understand your issue with kissing… but it wouldn’t be fair for us not to respect your boundaries,” Kai explained. 

There was another thick silence between them. It was only broken when Soobin burst through the door, completely unaware of the tension in the room. 

“Guys… you will not believe what I just saw,“ he said, closing the door. He turned around and quickly went quiet. 

“What’s with the… intensity?” Soobin asked, motioning towards the three members. 

“Nothing, Beomgyu-hyung is just… complaining,” Taehyun grumbled.

“Over what?” Soobin said, his brows furrowed. 

“Kissing…” Beomgyu mumbled. 

“You guys…” Soobin said, sighing. He seemed relieved and annoyed all at once. Relieved that it wasn’t serious. And annoyed that it wasn’t anything serious. He took a deep breath and sat down on an armchair in the living room. 

“What’s your guys’ deal?” Soobin asked. “Seriously.” 

“Well… Kai and I were kissing, and then Beomgyu-hyung came in telling us that we had to stop because we were ‘gross’,” Taehyun explained. 

Soobin looked as though he had lived through this conversation before. And in a way, he had. Soobin has this conversation with Kai, Taehyun, and Beomgyu almost every night. And usually it goes the same way. Beomgyu storms off before the conversation can continue. Thus leaving the issue completely unsolved. It’s a vicious cycle.

“Beomgyu-ah, what’s your issue with them kissing?” Soobin asked, careful to sound gentle. 

“It’s just.. gross,” Beomgyu mumbled. He fidgeted with his hands, picking off the loose skin that hung from his fingers. Soobin tried his best to understand Beomgyu’s reasoning. He sat up straight in the armchair. 

“But… why is it gross to you?” Soobin asked. “Kai and Taehyun are just showing each other their affection. It’s normal for couples to do so.” 

“But, they should do that in private,” Beomgyu quickly said. 

“We were!” Taehyun snapped. 

Beomgyu slightly flinched at Taehyun’s raised voice. Soobin shot Taehyun a warning glare and looked back at Beomgyu. 

“Just… could you explain your perspective?” Soobin said, almost exasperated. 

“Without interrupting,” Soobin said, looking at Taehyun. Taehyun crossed his arms and looked away. 

“Well, the way that they do it is just disgusting,” Beomgyu said. “Like.. I support them, but I don’t understand why they always have to kiss each other. Is that not tiring or gross? Why is it so acceptable to kiss in front of everybody? Especially when Kai always has his tongue down Taehyun’s throat-“ 

“What is your problem?!” Taehyun asked, getting up from the couch. Kai quickly pulled him back down. 

“And I hate it more when they’re constantly saying lovey-dovey-mushy stuff to each other like… how is that not cringy for them?” Beomgyu asked.

“Because we love each other, hyung,” Taehyun said, barely hiding his annoyance.

“Okay… so what I’m gathering is that you don’t want to see them… be a couple?” Soobin asked. 

“Exactly,” Beomgyu said.

Without saying a word, Taehyun got up from the couch and went to his room. Beomgyu stood still, realizing his mistakes. Still, he stood silently. What more could he do than stare at the floor, hoping that every moment until now was some sort of dream? Kai quickly got up from the couch and went after Taehyun, leaving only Beomgyu and Soobin together. 

“Sit down,” Soobin ordered. Beomgyu stiffly sat down on the couch, preparing himself for a scolding. Though Soobin wasn’t a strict leader, he still had moments where he scolded members. However, it is usually when the group is under pressure. The only pressure was weighing down solely on Beomgyu. It was like a hydraulic press, crushing him slowly. 

“Kai, he really pisses me off!” Beomgyu could hear the tears in Taehyun’s voice. When Taehyun cries, his voice is usually shaky and somewhat nasally. Beomgyu made Taehyun cry a lot. Even before Beomgyu found an issue with the kissing, Beomgyu would play-fight with Taehyun. He would ragebait Taehyun, hoping to get a funny response. However, it always ended with Taehyun crying. And Beomgyu always felt horrible afterward. 

“Beomgyu-ah, what’s really the reason?” Soobin asked. 

“It’s just that,” Beomgyu responded, trying to ignore his sinking heart. “I just think it’s gross and inappropriate.” 

“They’ve been together for three years now… so why are you just beginning to have an issue with them kissing?” Soobin asked. “You’ve never complained about this before.”

“Am I not allowed to change my feelings on something?” Beomgyu asked. 

“Not when you’re hurting your friends, Beomgyu-ah,” Soobin said. 

Beomgyu’s heart sank further. He
could have sworn that it was in his stomach now, getting consumed by acid. Beomgyu picked at his skin further, avoiding Soobin’s gaze. 

“I need you to apologize to Taehyun and Kai,” Soobin said. “First thing in the morning.”

Beomgyu knew that Soobin would take their side. Even Beomgyu himself understood that his feelings about the kissing were stupid. But he couldn’t help but feel distaste for their displays of affection. It wasn’t for any of the reasons he had listed, however. He didn’t really care about the kissing itself. It’s the fact that it was occurring in the first place. That’s what made him upset. The fact that Kai and Taehyun loved each other is what bothered him. In recent days, Beomgyu found it hard to witness.

**

The next morning, Beomgyu made sure to get up early. This would ensure that he would be able to talk with Taehyun in the morning. Beomgyu walked into the kitchen to see everyone already in the kitchen. He froze in the doorframe. He checked the time on his phone once more. He had made sure to get up early so he would be able to speak with Taehyun. But it seemed as though everyone was ahead of him. He quietly sat down at the table, his body stiff. He could feel Soobin’s eyes burning a hole into him. It was always scary when Soobin entered his “leader-mode”. He never entered that unless it was something severe. 

“Taehyun-ah,” Beomgyu started to speak. Taehyun looked up at him. He could tell that Taehyun was still annoyed, but not anything like how he was the night before. It was more of a subdued annoyance. Beomgyu picked further at his skin, beginning to make wounds in his hands. This was one of the many bad habits he used to cope with his life. Even if this hardship was self-inflicted, he still couldn’t help but stress over it. After all, he still had a heart. And though his emotions clouded his judgment, they seldom clouded his heart. 

“I’m sorry,” Beomgyu said, attempting to maintain full eye contact with Taehyun. “I just… I don’t know. I have a problem with public display of affection. I just find it gross, but… that’s not your problem at all. I shouldn’t have said all that last night. It was stupid of me to do.” 

“Just forget about it,” Taehyun said. “That stuff was yesterday. And honestly… I get why you don’t like it. I already talked with Kai, and we just won’t do it in front of you anymore.” 

“No… but it’s not your problem that I feel like this,” Beomgyu cut in. “You shouldn’t have to change things because I’m being stupid.” 

Yeonjun was in the middle of eating his sandwich. He looked up, his cheek full of food. He furrowed his brows, confused. He looked to Soobin for some form of explanation. 

“I’ll tell you later,” Soobin mouthed. Yeonjun nodded and tried his best to chew his food while Beomgyu and Taehyun talked. 

“No, but we should still be considerate,” Taehyun said. “I was just mad because it felt like you were acting weird because we’re both guys.” 

Beomgyu’s face went from remorseful to completely confused. 

“Why would I have a problem?” Beomgyu asked. 

“I don’t know, I just found it odd that you always react that way when it’s me and Kai kissing,” Taehyun explained. “You never react that way when the couples in your dramas kiss.”

That only confused Beomgyu further. He couldn’t have only reacted that way when it was those two… right? To him, he has always reacted that way to any display of affection.  When couples at his school would kiss, he would always look away. When his friend had a girlfriend for a short while and they kissed, he would feel like throwing up. Love seemed disgusting. He didn’t like the mushy-ness that came with loving and being loved. To him, it was almost a way of breaking someone down. Reducing them to nothing but a puppy that will follow their lover around for all eternity. He didn’t want to succumb to that. And his heart almost ached when he saw Kai and Taehyun kissing. To him, it was an act of breaking one’s character down. 

“I’m not homophobic, you know that?” Beomgyu asked. 

“I don’t know, Beomgyu-hyung," Taehyun said. “Sometimes it feels like you are.”

“I… I would never be homophobic, not to you or anyone,” Beomgyu said, completely shocked by the accusation. 

“Then… Why do you only have an issue with Kai and me?” Taehyun asked. 

“Because.. I care about you two,” Beomgyu admitted. “And I don’t want this whole… love… thing to ruin your character. Like- I don’t want it to change you and make you dependent.” 

Taehyun looked more confused than when he had started. Beomgyu briefly glanced around, only to meet the gaze of four very confused people. He stiffened, scrambling to articulate his thoughts in a way that the others could understand. 

“So.. you’re worried about Kai and me kissing because… You think that it will change us?” Taehyun asked.

Beomgyu nodded.

Taehyun sat back, attempting to process what he had just heard. 

“So… have your parents never kissed in front of you or anything?” Taehyun asked. To their shock, Beomgyu shook his head. He maintained a neutral expression as if answering normally. 

“Wait, so… like have you never seen people… love each other?” Kai asked.

“In certain places,” Beomgyu replied, “But not at home. There's no place for that there.” 

Beomgyu felt a pang of embarrassment as they began to look at him not with confusion, but with pity. 

“That’s not good,” Yeonjun said, finally swallowing all of his food. 

“Hyung, is that why you’re so weird about kissing?” Kai asked. Beomgyu shrugged, not having an answer. He was never good at putting his feelings into words. He never understood how the others could allow themselves to speak about their feelings out loud. He could never admit such things. It would only make him seem weak. And that was the last thing he wanted. 

The room was frozen in silence. Beomgyu picked at his skin more. By this point, he had created a wound that was now bleeding. It was only now that he was reminded of their different backgrounds. Beomgyu grew up in Daegu, where affection was largely private. It wasn’t normal to openly express affection or feelings towards other people. It always surprised him to see people treat kissing as a casual act. He almost felt embarrassed for the people doing it. His father hardly kissed his mother. He knew that they loved each other somehow. But they never showed it.

“Uhm… we’ll just try not to kiss in front of you, Beomgyu-hyung…” Taehyun said, hoping to relieve the tension.

**

Beomgyu adjusted his mic pack as he waited for their cue to go on stage. There were two performances that they had to record for a music show airing later that month. Beomgyu could feel Soobin's eyes still upon him. He had begun to realize his grave mistake. After his admission of not witnessing affection in his childhood, he was viewed differently by everyone. The one thing he feared would happen. Beomgyu was not a coward by any means. He would not fear things so easily. But one thing he feared the most was to be viewed differently. 

He turned around to see Soobin still looking at him from a distance. He understood that look. It was far too familiar. It was an odd mix of concern and pity. Soobin was never good at hiding his feelings. Beomgyu looked away, hoping to ignore his gaze. He looked down at his hands, now littered with bandages. He stared at the beige bandages covering his fingers. He reached for the end of one, beginning to peel the edge. Suddenly, a hand grabbed his, pulling it away from the bandage.

“Don’t peel them off,” Soobin said. “You’ll just pick your skin if you do.” 

“No, I won’t…” Beomgyu pulled his arm away. “I just don't like the feeling of them.”

“I know that you don't,” Soobin said. “But I know you, the moment you pull off the bandage, you’ll go right back to picking.”

“So what?” Beomgyu said, mildly annoyed. “Why is it a problem that I pick my skin?”

“It’s a problem because you’ll make wounds on your hands,” Soobin said. “And then those wounds could get infected.” 

“Oh, look who got his PHD…” Beomgyu said sarcastically. 

“Beomgyu-ah, I’m serious,” Soobin said, stepping closer. “Please stop picking at them.” 

Beomgyu felt his heart skip a beat at Soobin’s sincere tone. He stepped back, hoping to recuperate his previous composure. He looked up at Soobin, his eyes were serious. They were still filled with the previous look of concern and pity. Beomgyu hated that look. He looked away, unsure of what to do with Soobin’s gaze. 

“Fine… just stop being so weird right now,” Beomgyu mumbled. 

Soobin nodded and moved back. Beomgyu could still feel his heart beating faster than it should be. His mind raced faster than his heart. If his heart was a tortoise, then his mind was the hare. Only it had the perseverance that the hare lacked. If he were to begin thinking about something, he could never stop. Even if he wanted to. All of a sudden, he could hear Yeonjun calling Soobin over. And he was finally left alone. He steadied his breath quietly. He clenched his fists to avoid picking at the bandages.

**

After the music show recordings, the members decided to have dinner together before they all went to bed. Beomgyu usually likes this idea. It was nice to spend time with the members. He rarely could do so when they weren’t working. They sat at the table. Beomgyu remained quiet, still picking at his bandage. He could feel Soobin’s gaze on him again. He tried to pull his hands away from each other, to keep them still. But it seemed as though his body was set on ripping off his bandages. 

“Beomgyu-ah, you can take them off,” Yeonjun said. “I don’t think you’re still bleeding.”

“No, he’ll start picking again,” Soobin quickly said. 

“I’m not helpless,” Beomgyu said, peeling off the bandages. “I know how to control myself.”

Soobin sighed, looking down at Beomgyu’s dried wounds. He never had faith that Beomgyu would let go of this habit. Ever since they were trainees, Beomgyu has always picked at his skin and bit his nails down to the root. It was only recently that Beomgyu had let go of the nail-biting habit. However, his skin-picking habit remained.

“Beomgyu ah, I know you,” Soobin said. “When you’re even slightly nervous, you start picking. And when you’re upset, you scratch. You’ve done this so much. How can I expect that you won’t do it this time?”

“So you’ve just accepted that I can’t control myself already?” Beomgyu asked. “That’s it?”

“You say that you’ll stop and you never do,” Soobin replied. 

“So because you think I can’t control myself, you want me to keep bandages on?” Beomgyu asked. 

“You can’t tell me to do that,” Beomgyu said. 

“Well, as the leader, I’m telling you to keep at least one bandage on,” Soobin said.

“We’re not working right now,” Beomgyu replied. 

“I’m older,” Soobin said. “So keep a bandage on.”

“I already took them off,” Beomgyu said. 

“Then go put one on,” Soobin replied. 

Beomgyu got up from the table and made his way back to his room. He knew that Soobin cared, but it always hurt him when he tried to help. Soobin, at times, had an odd way of helping. Still, he tries, so Beomgyu couldn’t stay angry forever. Beomgyu walked into his room and shut the door behind him. He rummaged through his drawer and found a box of bandages. He carefully placed one on a wound. He crashed onto his bed, sighing. 

** (an hour later)

Beomgyu stared at the ceiling as he lay awake on his bed. He quietly played music on his stereo, hoping that it would be louder than his thoughts. However, his thoughts won in the end. Suddenly, every noise in his head was paused by the sound of a knock at the door. The door gently opened. He saw Soobin, now wearing his pajamas, which consisted of a pair of boxers and perhaps a t-shirt. 

“Beomgyu-ah, can we talk?” He asked. 

“Well, you’re talking to me right now,” Beomgyu said. Soobin dryly laughed and shut the door behind him. He sat down at the edge of his bed. 

“I’m sorry for all the shit I said back there,” Soobin said. “It probably embarrassed you a lot.” 

Beomgyu’s expression softened. When Soobin had appeared in the doorway, he had expected a second scolding or maybe an inspection of his hands. But instead, he got an apology. He looked at Soobin’s expression. All he could see was sincerity. 

“I’m just really worried about you,” Soobin admitted, furrowing his brow in concern. “You haven’t seemed like yourself lately. You’re picking fights more often, fidgeting with your skin constantly, and I can tell you haven’t been sleeping well.”

Beomgyu let out a small huff, crossing his arms defensively. “That sounds a bit dramatic, don’t you think? I’ve been sleeping fine… and I’m not always looking for a fight.” 

Soobin’s gaze softened, but his tone remained collected. “It’s not all the time, but it happens often enough. I’ve noticed the changes.”

“Do you want to… talk about what’s really bothering you?” Soobin asked, lowering his voice to a gentle whisper, as if afraid to disturb the fragile atmosphere between them.

“It’s nothing,” Beomgyu replied, avoiding eye contact as he rubbed the back of his neck, a nervous habit he had developed. “It’s just the season changing, I guess.”

Soobin leaned in closer, skepticism etched across his features. “I’m not stupid, Beomgyu-ah,” he pressed gently. “I can tell when something is off. Is it the stress from all the touring and packed schedules?” 

Beomgyu sighed, his shoulders sagging under the weight of unspoken thoughts. “I mean… maybe a little,” he admitted, his voice barely above a whisper.
Beomgyu shook his head. He was only a bit stressed about those things. He used to stress over it much more than in recent times. He had gotten used to the hectic work environment over time. In reality, he was hiding much more than stress. He was hiding heavy feelings that only he knew about. His mind viewed Soobin as a friend. However, his heart had more sinister intentions. His heart saw Soobin as much more. And it was a disgusting secret Beomgyu vowed to never reveal. Not to anyone, and barely to himself. However, his secret felt more like a parasite. Over the years, it has gotten bigger and bigger. It felt suffocating, nauseating, and it filled him with all the anxiety possible. 

And it only got worse when Soobin was close to him like this. He could feel Soobin’s body heat radiating from his body. He could smell the faint scent of Soobin’s shampoo. He hated how his senses made his heart race faster. He didn’t want to succumb to these feelings— these disgusting feelings are meant to be hidden. He has hidden them for so long, building a wall around them like a dam bordering a river. 

Soobin looked down, spotting the bandage on the back of Beomgyu’s hand. 

“Oh?” He said, surprised. “You really did put one on.”

“Well, you wouldn’t quit bugging me about it,” Beomgyu grumbled. 

“Thank you,” Soobin said. 

“Thank you?” Beomgyu asked. “What for?”

“For… doing something,” Soobin explained. “I thought that you would go back to picking at your skin again and ignore what I said.” 

“I wouldn’t ignore you,” Beomgyu replied. “I just have other ideas sometimes.” 

“True,” Soobin said. “You don’t ignore me all the time. It’s just difficult when two stubborn people try to convince each other.” 

Beomgyu laughed, acknowledging the truth in Soobin’s words. They truly were too stubborn for their own good, which was part of the reason they argued so often.

“Well, you won this time, Soobin-hyung,” Beomgyu said. “How does it feel?”

“I’m not winning if we weren’t competing,” Soobin said, laughing. “I’m just glad that you listened.”

“Don’t get too used to it,” Beomgyu replied. “I may take the bandage off in the morning.” 

“I wouldn't mind it then,” Soobin said. "I'm just glad that you put it on in the first place."

Soon, Soobin left Beomgyu's bedroom and went back to his own. Beomgyu lay on his back, staring at the ceiling. Only now, he had a heart that felt as though it would burst. Soobin made him feel this way more times than he could count. It's a strange feeling, but it's not exactly unwelcome.

Chapter 2: Don't make a fuss

Notes:

MAJOR SPOILERS FOR THE CHAINSAW MAN MOVIE (**SKIP TO THE VERY END TO AVOID**)

Today proved to be more difficult than others. Beomgyu and Soobin are at a tennis court to film scenes. The problem was that the scenes they were filming required it to be just the two of them. They were both dressed in typical tennis uniforms. Beomgyu’s uniform was long-sleeved at his request, and the shorts ran slightly long. Soobin’s uniform was far shorter than his. His shorts just barely passed the middle of his thighs.

Beomgyu tried his hardest not to look at Soobin’s legs. He knew that Soobin had taken his time building his body, but he had forgotten how defined his muscles had gotten. Beomgyu avoided looking at Soobin’s body entirely. As they began to film, he was instructed to hit the tennis ball to Soobin. Then Soobin would hit it back. 

Unfortunately, Soobin wasn’t very good at hitting a tennis ball. He would lunge forward to hit the ball over for his racket to narrowly miss the ball. Beomgyu could hardly contain his laughter at the predicament. He couldn't understand why they would give such a task to their least athletic member. Though Soobin had a well-built body, he had never been good at sports. 

When they were done filming the first scene, the staff dumped out more tennis balls. They rolled onto the court, littering the floor with bright green balls. They instructed Beomgyu to lie on the floor, staring up at the sky. He lay on the floor, as instructed. Suddenly, the blue sky was blocked by a tall blonde man. Soobin stared down at him with a neutral expression. Beomgyu could see the smile threatening to form on Soobin’s face. Beomgyu’s eyes widened, unsure of how to keep his composure. He was not told about this part in the scene. He was nowhere near prepared. 

“And cut!” 

Soobin immediately broke character and began to laugh at Beomgyu. He offered his hand, still laughing. Beomgyu took his hand and got up, completely confused. 

“Why are you laughing so much?” Beomgyu asked. 

“You looked so terrified,” Soobin explained through his laughter. 

“I was just locked-in…” Beomgyu mumbled. 

Soobin only laughed harder.
**

Beomgyu opened his eyes; they were at the tennis court again. Only this time, they had an audience. The court seemed much larger, too. Beomgyu looked around, panicked. They had a large audience. And this time, there was a scoreboard. Suddenly, he heard a loud buzzer. Soobin was across from him. Soobin threw the ball into the air and hit it with his racket. The ball flew towards Beomgyu. His eyes widened, yet he found his body lunging forward. With one swift swing, he launched the ball across the court, where Soobin would quickly hit it back. The ball flew past Beomgyu, crashing into the fence behind him.  

Beomgyu turned back to Soobin, his face a canvas of disbelief. Soobin wore a self-satisfied smirk as the scoreboard shifted ominously from 0-0 to 0-15, each point feeling like a stinging reminder of his failure. A new tennis ball was tossed in Soobin’s direction, and with a swift flick of his wrist, he launched it high into the air before sweeping his racket through the air. Beomgyu lunged forward, adrenaline rushing through his veins, but the ball zipped past him, a blur that left nothing but empty space in its wake. It hit the ground and bounced outside the court, leaving Beomgyu to stare at the now unforgiving scoreboard, which glared back at him with a humiliating 0-30.

“What the hell…” Beomgyu muttered under his breath, frustration bubbling within him.

Before long, the match concluded with a decisive defeat for Beomgyu, the court around them littered with stray tennis balls, remnants of his hopes for victory. He turned to Soobin, who sauntered toward him with an air of casual superiority. Something was unsettling about the way Soobin carried himself, a cocky confidence that seemed to grow with each passing moment. Beomgyu could feel the atmosphere shift, like the air before a storm, as they both absorbed the reality of the game’s end.

“You really gave it your all, huh?” Soobin taunted, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “For a moment there, I almost believed you had a shot at beating me.”

Beomgyu shot a glance back at the scoreboard, then locked eyes with Soobin, who still wore his teasing smirk. The sight of it ignited an urge deep within Beomgyu, one that made him want to scream in frustration. Clenching his jaw tightly, he held back the surge of emotions threatening to overflow. Soobin's laughter echoed in the air as he began to walk away, exuding arrogance in every step.

Beomgyu stood frozen, as if an invisible force had pinned him to the spot. It took a moment before he could tear his feet away from the court, following Soobin reluctantly toward the locker room. As they entered, Soobin swung open his locker, rummaging through his belongings with an air of nonchalance. Beomgyu lingered a few feet away, watching him with a mix of annoyance and determination. Taking a deep breath, he closed the distance to his own locker, which was uncomfortably close to Soobin's, the tension between them impossible to ignore in the cramped space. 

Beomgyu looked up at Soobin, their height difference becoming apparent to him. Beomgyu felt pathetic. He took off his tennis shoes and changed into a pair of platform sneakers. It helped somewhat, but their height difference still plagued Beomgyu’s mind. He glanced as Soobin took his uniform off, changing into a black t-shirt. Beomgyu tried to keep his eyes off him. His attempts proved to be an utter failure. He found himself walking towards Soobin, a sense of hidden purpose in his steps. By now, Soobin was done changing, his light blue uniform now replaced with a black tee and wide, baggy jeans. Beomgyu felt his regret as Soobin turned to look at him. 

Beomgyu felt his heart racing as he stared daggers into Soobin. All Soobin did was stare back down at him, making his knees weak. Suddenly, Beomgyu grabbed Soobin and pushed him into the lockers. Soobin blinked, completely off guard. Beomgyu could feel an odd, primal instinct take over every sense. Beomgyu pulled Soobin in, and their lips clashed together. However, it wasn’t one-sided. Beomgyu could feel his affection being reciprocated. His tongue intertwined with Soobin’s, a strange yet beautiful feeling. He almost felt euphoric, and he could feel his knees threatening to buckle. 

Soobin broke the kiss and pushed Beomgyu onto a bench below them. Beomgyu let out a small gasp as Soobin pulled down the collar of his jacket, revealing his neck. Soobin’s lips made contact with Beomgyu’s sensitive skin. 

**
“Fuck…” Beomgyu mumbled, squirming in his bed. “Ah…” 

Suddenly, a loud sound completely ended his dream in an instant. Beomgyu shot awake in bed. He was filled with both relief and a slight sense of disappointment as he realized that he had dreamed it all. Beomgyu was also grateful that he did not share a room with Soobin anymore, knowing he tended to talk in his sleep. If they were still roommates, this would be a conversation he would certainly not enjoy having with Soobin. Beomgyu looked at the window; it was raining heavily outside. While he liked the rain, it seemed to be the bane of his existence at this time. Beomgyu lay back down, covering his ears with his pillow.

Beomgyu could feel something bothering him below. It was like a strange illness plaguing his body. Making his pajamas feel wet. Beomgyu wished that he had left these feelings behind when he stopped puberty. While it became less frequent, it still happened— that’s what bothered him. 

Especially since Soobin was the reason for these feelings. Soobin was the person he thought of when he felt like this. He didn’t want to accept that Soobin was the one who made him feel that way. They were just friends. Someone shouldn’t dream of their friends in this manner. It is just perverted to do so. And yet, all Beomgyu did was dream of scenarios where they would do things together that he would never admit. 

Beomgyu felt disgusted. His underwear was soaked in substances caused by what could only be his own perversion. Beomgyu lifted the sheets slightly. Luckily, he wasn’t the type to make a mess when his dreams decided to delve into the dirty corners of his psyche. Beomgyu could still feel the sickness pulsating below, begging for some sort of relief. A relief he felt was far too humiliating to grant.

Beomgyu crossed his legs, hoping to quell the feeling. He should not feel this way. Not for anyone, and especially not for Soobin. It felt criminal to feel those things for someone he’s known as his friend since he was a teenager. And Beomgyu hated how exclusive these feelings were. He never had these dreams about anyone else. Not actors in a movie, not celebrities, not even models. He only dreamt about Soobin in this way. 

Recently, his dreams seemed to all center around Soobin. About two days ago, he had a similar dream. Only this time, they were basketball players on opposite teams. And just like the dream he had just woken up from, Soobin’s team won over Beomgyu’s team in a landslide. And it ended the same way. It always ended the same way. Beomgyu crossed his legs tighter, annoyed. He looked at the clock. It was two in the morning. 

He sighed, knowing there was no hope of sleeping peacefully. Beomgyu carefully slid his hand under his black and blue plaid pajama pants. He could only wish to recreate the feeling that overwhelmed his senses in that dream. But it was just wishful thinking. He closed his eyes as his fingers moved, trying to imagine his dream again while pushing down the shame that accompanied it. 

He squirmed as he tried to help his feeling of lustful desire. He bit his lip, moving his fingers faster. He could feel his body climbing up to a peak of pure ecstasy— ecstasy that would leave him feeling ashamed. But why should he care about the aftermath? All he needed to do was satisfy his inner desires. It was only then that he would be able to sleep. Nothing else mattered. All he could feel was an unquenchable thirst throughout his body. He moved his fingers faster and faster. He could feel his hands growing tired of the movement. But he didn’t care. He would push more and pore until he could finally reach his peak. 

He bit his lip harder, almost enough to make it bleed. He let the wave of heat roll through his body. He finally took his hand out of his pants, resting it beside his leg. He steadied his breath, staring at the ceiling. Then another familiar feeling took over. Once more, he felt disgusted and ashamed that he had even taken part in such an act. 

**

The next day, they attended a fansign in a somewhat small venue. Beomgyu could barely focus. All he could think about was his dream. The feeling of Soobin’s lips on his skin felt so ever-present in his mind that he could have sworn that it had actually happened. It was engraved in his brain like a deep tattoo. It pierced every crevice in his brain with the needle of pure, unbridled shame. Beomgyu shifted in his seat as he greeted fans with a tight smile on his face.

He tried his best to listen to everything that they said. However, he could barely focus when he could see Soobin from the corner of his eye. He could see Soobin’s hands creeping on and off the table. The veins on his hands were prominent today. Beomgyu had not understood how people found that attractive— until today. Beomgyu’s own hands trembled as he signed albums and smiled at the fan. His heart felt heavy, his palms sweaty, and his body was burning.

Beomgyu took deep breaths through his nose, hoping to kill the feeling— or at least suppress it. He couldn't believe that Soobin had such an effect on him. Not only that, he’s had this effect on him for years. At first, Beomgyu blamed his feelings on simply admiring Soobin. Soobin was always a higher-ranking trainee. At one point Soobin had ranked just below Yeonjun during the monthly evaluations. Beomgyu had imagined his feelings being based solely on that. Beomgyu had never reached the ranks that Soobin did. So he had assumed that it was all just admiration.

But that assumption fell apart when the feelings continued even into their idol careers. They were no longer partaking in the monthly evaluations, so why did he still admire Soobin so much? They were all, technically, at the same level. So how did these feelings manage to remain? It seemed far too irrational to keep such feelings especially after so much time has passed. To Beomgyu, it seemed as though he was losing his mind. 

**

After the fansign, they all went back to the dorms— along with a few bottles of soju to split. They sat at the table in the kitchen with three bottles of soju in the middle. Kai had a grape-flavored soda with him since he knew he wouldn’t be drinking. Yeonjun poured the soju in four shot glasses and passed them out to everyone. Beomgyu nervously looked at the alcohol in the shot glass. He knew he had a high tolerance for alcohol. Still, he couldn’t stop the fear that he would get too drunk and reveal all of his revolting feelings he had kept hidden all these years. It was the only thing weighing on him, and it would surely be the first thing to come out of his mouth when drunk. 

He watched as everyone else took a shot while he sat still.

“Beomgyu-hyung, I thought you would be the most excited about this,” Taehyun said. Beomgyu shook his head. “I like beer better…” He remarked, hoping to cover up his odd behavior. 

“Oh! I think there’s still some beer in the fridge,” Kai said, getting up from the table.

Beomgyu silently cursed Kai for his kindness. Kai gently set down three cans of beer in front of Beomgyu. The cans stared back at him almost with a taunting gaze. It was no secret that he loved alcohol. He especially loved the bitterness of beer. It made him feel more alive. He hated the sweetness of soju yet enjoyed the burn greatly. However, today he couldn’t bring himself to drink any soju. The taste was too sweet. It was dangerous. Whenever he drank soju, it was always impossible to figure out when to stop before he was rendered completely inebriated. Beer was much easier for him.  

However, not in this situation. Beomgyu hoped to stay sober all night to protect his horrible secrets from spilling out. Trapped in his mind, Beomgyu had barely noticed how drunk Soobin was getting. He knew Soobin was a lightweight. Him, Yeonjun, and Kai were all the lightweights of the group. Soobin just happened to be the second most lightweight of the group, coming second to Kai, who seldom drinks. 

“Beomgyu-ah, why aren’t you drinking?” Soobin slurred. 

“I don’t think I’ll drink soju today,” Beomgyu replied. “It’s too sweet.” 

“Should’ve said something,” Soobin replied. “I could’ve *hic* bought you a case of beer.” 

“I’m not looking to drink a lot tonight,” Beomgyu added. 

Soobin tilted his head with a confused expression that made Beomgyu’s heart pound. 

“But you usually have me beat with the drinking,” Soobin said, his pout seeping into his words. 

“I’m not gonna drink a lot either,” Taehyun interjected, setting down the now-empty shot glass. “Kai and I are going on a date tomorrow. I don’t wanna be hungover for that.” 

“Oh you kids are no fun,” Yeonjun said, laughing. “So it’s just Soobin and I that are living a little?” 

“Seems like it,” Beomgyu said. 

“Gyu-ah *hic* why are you not drinking tonight?” Soobin asked, sounding increasingly incoherent with every word. 

“I… wanna go buy a new guitar tomorrow,” Beomgyu replied, completely surprised at his ability to pick a quick lie. “I can’t make the best decision if I’m hungover.” 

“Ah my mistake,” Soobin said, giggling with his hand on his heart. 

**

Soon, it was just Soobin and Beomgyu left at the table. Taehyun and Kai were the first to go back to their bedroom. After all, they had plans already made for the next day. Yeonjun soon followed after, stating that he was simply ‘going to the bathroom’. After Beomgyu went to check on him, he found him asleep on the living room couch. So that only left Beomgyu and Soobin. By this point, Soobin was no longer drinking soju. Instead, he was drinking from a water bottle after Beomgyu persuaded him to. 

“You should probably go to bed soon,” Beomgyu suggested. “You look pretty damn tired.” 

“Nah… I’m not even tired,” Soobin said, taking another sip of water. “I’ll probably stay up for a bit longer.” 

Beomgyu couldn’t help but laugh. Soobin always said that when he was drunk. It would always end with him going to bed right after. Soobin tilted his head and smiled. 

“Why are you laughing?” He asked, a few laughs escaping him as well. 

“You always say that, Soobin-hyung,” Beomgyu said, struggling not to continue his laughter. “I know you’re really fighting to stay awake.” 

“Not true,” Soobin retorted. 

It was impossible to fight with a drunk Soobin. If Soobin was difficult to argue with sober, drunk was a whole other level. Beomgyu stayed silent, fighting to keep a few laughs from escaping. He looked at Soobin. His heart beat faster at the sight. Soobin had a light flush on his face, and his eyes were glossy. His lips were fixed in a pout. He tended to pout a lot when he was drunk. Beomgyu hardly remembered sights like these. Usually, when Soobin was in this state, Beomgyu was also inebriated, making it hard to remember. 

“What?” Soobin teased. “You look like you wanna *hic* kiss me.”

Beomgyu’s eyes widened, and he leaned back in his dining chair.

“What?! Why would I ever want that!??” Beomgyu quickly exclaimed.

“I dunno… You just seem like you do,” Soobin said, still using that teasing tone that Beomgyu hated.

“I… you’re gross, Soobin-hyung,” Beomgyu remarked softly.

Soobin chuckled, knowing he had succeeded in his bait.

“You’re not funny,” Beomgyu mumbled.

Soobin only laughed harder. 

** 

Beomgyu helped Soobin walk to his bedroom. He let go of Soobin so he could lie down. 

“Aw, aren’t you gonna tuck me in too?” Soobin asked teasingly. 

Beomgyu rolled his eyes. 

“Are you five years old?” Beomgyu asked, teasing him back. “You’re so annoying today.”

Soobin simply laughed at Beomgyu’s response. He moved over in his bed, making space. 

“I’m so hurt…” Soobin said. “The least you could do is stay in bed with me for a bit… it’ll be just like old times”

“What’s your problem?” Beomgyu asked, laughing to mask how his heart was racing. He stared at Soobin as he patted the space beside him. It wouldn’t be the first time that they shared a bed. 

***
It was the first of December. They had just finished promotions of both ‘The Dream Chapter: Magic’ and ‘Magic Hour’. They were granted a month-long break before they would get back to work. Beomgyu lay on the floor, cold. Their company had promised to give them enough money for another bed, but never delivered. So instead, Beomgyu slept on the floor. He was used to this already. In his childhood home, he slept on the floor for a long time. He was never too high-class to sleep on the floor. 

However, he had never slept on the wooden floor while the room was negative five degrees. Not only did they not have five beds, but they also lacked a working air conditioner. Their air conditioner broke about two months ago, just before promotions. When they voiced their grievances about the air conditioner, the company promised to send someone to repair it the very next week. Months passed, and the air conditioner remained broken. The members had tried to improve the situation in any way they could. Yeonjun bought blankets, Soobin bought an electric heater, and Taehyun even took off the curtains to let the sun in. However, being in the bedroom felt almost the same as sleeping outside. 

On this day, Beomgyu had already been coming down with a cold. He lay in his bed (which was really a futon with a blanket), shivering and coughing. He was curled in a fetal position, hoping that it would prevent the last bit of heat he had left from escaping. Everyone else was sleeping. Kai offered to switch spots with him so he could sleep more comfortably. Beomgyu refused, not wanting to get his germs on Kai’s bed. 

He could hear the door opening. Soobin stood in the doorway, staring down at him. 

“Beomgyu-ah, are you okay?” Soobin whispered. 

“Yeah…” Beomgyu replied, his teeth chattering. 

Soobin kneeled beside him, taking a closer look at his condition. 

“Get up,” He ordered. 

Beomgyu looked up at him. 

“What?” He whispered. 

“Get up, you’re not sleeping here,” Soobin repeated. “Go sleep in my bed, it’s right next to the heater.”

“No.. I’ll just cough all over your bed,” Beomgyu said, sitting up. “Then I'll get you sick.” 

“I don’t care if I get sick,” Soobin replied. “Go sleep in my bed.” 

“But where are you going to sleep then?” Beomgyu asked. 

“On the floor,” Soobin replied. 

Beomgyu shook his head. 

“No, I’m fine just staying here…” Beomgyu said, lying back down. 

Soobin stayed silent for a moment. He thought of how to get Beomgyu to sleep on his bed instead of the floor. 

“Hey… what if we just sleep together on the bed?” Soobin suggested. “My bed isn’t super small. It could probably fit both of us.” 

Beomgyu’s eyes widened. He felt his face become hot, blush creeping on his cheeks. 

“Come on,” Soobin said, getting up from the floor. “My blanket is thicker than yours anyway.” 

Beomgyu shakily got up from the floor. Soobin walked over to his bed and lay down. He moved over, making space for Beomgyu. Beomgyu stiffly slipped into Soobin’s bed. 

“Soobin-hyung, I’m going to get you sick,” Beomgyu warned. 

“I don’t mind,” Soobin replied, yawning. “Just focus on getting rest, okay?” 

Soobin pulled the blanket over Beomgyu’s body. Soobin was right, his blanket was indeed thicker. Beomgyu felt himself succumb to exhaustion as the warmth from the blanket completely killed the cold. 
***

“Fine then, leave me by myself for the night,” Soobin said with a pout. 

“You can be on your own,” Beomgyu replied. “You’re 24 years old.” 

“Oh, is that so?” Soobin said, still pouting. 

By this point, Beomgyu’s heart was beating out of his chest. Though Soobin was simply teasing him, he still couldn’t help but find his actions endearing. Beomgyu moved closer and slipped into his bed. 

“I’m telling everyone that you’re holding me here against my will,” Beomgyu grumbled. 

“I don’t mind that,” Soobin replied. 

**

“Ugh, my head…” 

Beomgyu opened his eyes to Soobin’s groaning. 

“When did you get here?” Soobin asked, his voice deep and scratchy. 

“Soobin-hyung, you begged me to stay with you,” Beomgyu replied. 

“Begged you? Really?” Soobin asked with skepticism in his tone. 

Beomgyu cursed himself for not recording the interaction. He looked at Soobin's disheveled appearance. It was oddly attractive to him. It was impossible to make Soobin look ugly. Through every phase that Soobin went through with his appearance, Beomgyu had never once been anything less than heavily smitten. 

“I guess I might’ve,” Soobin admitted. “I just say anything when I'm drunk. 

“Yeah…” Beomgyu said softly, looking away. 

“I guess I didn’t mind the extra company,” Soobin continued. “It’s been a while since we slept in a bed together. I like it when we do, it’s just cozier that way.” 

Beomgyu’s heart fluttered. Soobin said things so casually— as though it meant nothing to him at all. But to Beomgyu, it meant everything. He sat up in Soobin’s bed, trying to push down his feelings. These days, pushing down his feelings felt like pressing on an ulcer. It was painful, and he found it harder to do. 

“I’m going to get breakfast,” Beomgyu said, getting up from Soobin’s bed.

“Can you make some for me?” Soobin asked. 

Beomgyu looked back, his heart fluttering once more. How could he say no to Soobin? How could he say no when he looked like that all of the time? There was never a time in Beomgyu’s life when Soobin wasn’t attractive. It was almost frustrating. 

“Fine…” Beomgyu said with a reluctant tone. Deep down, all he wanted to do was make a meal for Soobin, even if he wasn’t good at cooking. 

**

“Why did I drink so much…” Yeonjun groaned, his head resting on the table. 

Beomgyu set a cup of water in front of Yeonjun and sat down to eat.

“I did tell you to slow down,” Beomgyu reminded him, eating a spoonful of soup. He had prepared a bowl of leftover kimchi stew. Beside him was another bowl of stew covered with a plate to stop the steam from escaping. It was a simple dish, something light that wouldn't upset Soobin's stomach.

“Well, I had fun, didn’t I?” Yeonjun said, lifting his head from the table. He quickly squinted from the lights above and placed his head down on the table once more. 

“Why are our lights so damn bright…” Yeonjun grumbled. 

Suddenly, Beomgyu could see a tall man appear from the corner of his eye. Soobin walked in smelling of cedarwood and vetiver. The scent wafted through the room and hit Beomgyu directly. He looked up at Soobin. His hair was wet, as though he had just gotten out of the shower. His skin appeared damp below the lights in the kitchen. And the worst part is, Soobin also lacked a shirt. All he had was a white towel wrapped around his waist.

Beomgyu quickly looked away. 

“Would it kill you to wear clothes?” Beomgyu asked.

“I am wearing clothes,” Soobin answered, pointing to the towel. 

Beomgyu didn’t look back at Soobin. He couldn’t take it. He knew that if he laid his eyes on Soobin’s body, his mind would be plagued with a sickly-sweet fog most have known as attraction. Small beads of water trailed down Soobin’s softly defined abs. It resembled the beads of sweat falling from every crevice in Beomgyu’s body. 

“Whatever…” Beomgyu said with a breathy tone. “I reheated kimchi stew for you. It might be cold by now.” 

Soobin looked down at the plate. 

“Wow, that’s… really nice of you,” Soobin said, his once-teasing joke turning genuine. “I didn’t think you’d actually do it.” 

“Why wouldn’t I?” Beomgyu asked. “You asked me to.” 

“Well… I don’t know,” Soobin replied, sitting down at the table. 

“What happened to him?” Soobin asked, pointing at Yeonjun, whose head was resting on the table. 

“I died…” Yeonjun grumbled, his voice muffled. 

The mood immediately turned lighter as Yeonjun’s absurd statement made Soobin and Beomgyu break into a fit of laughter. Soobin’s genuine statement seemed to be lost in the change of energy. 

★☆

Beomgyu quietly looked through the several guitars in the store. Originally, he had fabricated these plans to explain his hesitance to drink. However, he had realized that window-shopping for a guitar would be a good distraction from all of his feelings. He looked through the electric guitars hung up on the wall. They were red, blue, pink, and there were even some guitars with intricate designs. But Beomgyu didn’t care much for another guitar. All he really cared about was how much he could distract himself before he would spiral again. 

Besides, Beomgyu wasn’t a fan of the idea of a new guitar. His guitar was not in mint condition, no doubt. However, Beomgyu didn't mind the subtle signs of damage all along his blue guitar. The look of it didn't matter to him at all. He could never get rid of that guitar. It was there for him whenever he felt like there was no one else he could rely on. And the cheap red guitar was his brother’s gift to him. 

** 

March 13th 2015

The year 2015 had proven to be the hardest for Beomgyu. It was before his transition. His body was a stranger to him, and his mind was completely detached from reality. His eyes seemed empty, as if the lights were on but no mind occupied his body as it should. One late afternoon, Beomgyu came home soaked in rainwater.  The weather had picked the perfect time to unleash its wrath upon him. He slipped off his shoes and wrung his long, wet hair. Droplets of rainwater dripped onto the wooden floor below. 

He could hear his brother in the kitchen. Since his brother was two grades above him, he had a completely different schedule, meaning that he always got home far earlier than Beomgyu. Beomgyu trudged in his damp clothes to the kitchen, curious to see what his brother was up to. 

“Yunseo-ah! What are you doing here so early?!” His brother, Dohyun, said with a panicked tone. 

“I always get home at this time…” Beomgyu responded, confused. He noticed his brother standing awkwardly in front of something, though he couldn’t see what it was.

“Dohyun-oppa, why are you standing like that?” Beomgyu asked. 

Dohyun sighed and moved aside, revealing a blue guitar leaning against the wall.

“I wanted to surprise you, but… I’m not too good at planning,” Dohyun said. “Happy birthday, Yunseo-ah.” 

Beomgyu felt tears flood his eyes. He pulled his older brother into a hug, barely managing to muster a few words.

“Thank you, Dohyun-oppa..” 

“Ah… don’t cry,” His brother said softly. 

“I’m sorry,” Beomgyu pulled away and wiped his tears.

**

Since that day, Beomgyu poured his feelings into music rather than self-destructive habits. Or at least, he had tried to. Nevertheless, Beomgyu knew that his guitar was irreplaceable. He had even given it a name. He named it “Bom”, named after the season it was gifted to him. He loved Bom more than himself. He loved hearing its voice, especially when he experimented with the tuning. He didn’t mind the calluses on his fingers. It was a small price to pay for the murder of his loneliness.

Beomgyu looked through the guitars once more. It made for a good excuse— an excuse to be away from him. Beomgyu’s heart was far too weak to handle Soobin. He was resilient enough to keep everything under the surface for years. But now, like a volcano, it seemed as though his feelings were bubbling up like lava. 

Beomgyu soon left the store, not too interested in any of the guitars. No guitar could overshadow Bom. So he walked through the city. He still had the whole day to figure out what he wanted to do with his time. 

★☆

Beomgyu returned to the dorms, refreshed. After spending a day roaming the city, he had nothing to show for it. However, it didn’t matter to him. All that mattered was the opportunity to be away. He loved Soobin— a lot more than he should. He loved Soobin enough that it made him sick. If he was allergic to violets, Soobin was a field of them. He was beautiful yet dangerous. 

Beomgyu unlocked the door and stepped into the living room. On the couch, he saw Yeonjun wrapped up in a blanket with Soobin beside him. There was a movie playing somewhat loudly on the TV. Soobin laughed at Yeonjun as he cried at the emotional scene— all while tears were rolling down his own face. Beomgyu quietly shut the door behind him. 

“Didn’t know that my return was so sad,” Beomgyu said, slipping his shoes off at the door. The two quickly turned around. Soobin hastily wiped his tears away. 

“Beomgyu-ah, you would *sniffle* understand if you watched it too,” Yeonjun replied with a shaky voice. 

Beomgyu laughed, sitting down next to them on the couch. He could see Soobin fixing his face as if trying to hide that he was crying. Yet his glasses revealed the truth. Even those small actions seemed endearing to Beomgyu. Soobin was attempting to seem tough in front of him—but why? Why was Soobin putting in the effort to seem more put-together? Beomgyu’s smile slightly faded as he began to think. Yeonjun looked back at the screen, another tear rolling down his face. 

“I thought she was going to recover, but she died anyway,” Yeonjun wailed. 

Beomgyu placed his hand on Yeonjun’s back in an attempt to comfort him. He wasn’t the best at comforting people. After all, emotions never took the spotlight in his life. He was always taught to never display them, let alone comfort those who do. It was ‘rewarding’ the weak, in his dad’s words. He knew where those words came from. His dad learned it from the generations before him. 

While being from a noble clan seemed attractive, their outdated ideals weren’t.

“Well, I guess my recommendation was good,” Soobin joked. Yeonjun picked up a cushion and smacked him in the arm. 

“Unfortunately,” Yeonjun said, wiping another tear from his cheek. 

Soon, Kai and Taehyun walked in after spending all day on their date. Taehyun stopped, noticing Yeonjun crying. His face slightly morphed into one of concern, an expression he didn’t show often. Much like Beomgyu, Taehyun was slightly unaware of how to deal with emotions— especially the emotions of others. Nonetheless, there were many times where Taehyun understood the emotions of others. And at times, he would comfort them.

“Yeonjun-hyung, are you okay?” Taehyun asked. 

“Oh- yeah, I am,” Yeonjun said, wiping off another tear. “Soobin just made me watch the saddest movie of all time with him…”

As soon as he heard Yeonjun’s description of the movie, Kai’s expression morphed into one of fear. It was as if he had gotten flashbacks from the movie description alone.

“It was I who wanted to eat your pancreas, wasn’t it?” Kai asked.

Yeonjun nodded. 

“I got roped into watching the one, too,” Kai said quietly. 

“Soobin-hyung, suffering is not supposed to be contagious,” Taehyun said before quickly breaking into a fit of laughter. 

 

Beomgyu wondered what the film was about. He had watched sad movies before. And behind closed doors, he would cry at times. However, he would never admit it openly in front of everyone. That would be embarrassing not only for him but for the people around him. 

“Hey… I don’t think you’ve seen this film yet, Beomgyu ah,” Soobin remarked, turning to Beomgyu, who was sitting across from him. Beomgyu’s eyes widened. 

“Don’t make him suffer too, Soobin-ah,” Yeonjun said. 

“You’re right… We should watch a silent voice instead,” Soobin said, smirking. 

“No, don’t put him through that,” Kai said.

“Fine, Fine,” Soobin said. “I’ll let him be happy.”

Beomgyu wanted to speak, but he couldn’t muster the words. Watching a movie with Soobin did sound nice. But a sad movie? If there was something that Beomgyu hated, it was crying in front of Soobin. It wouldn't be the first time he had cried in front of Soobin more times than he could count. But there was always a deep sense of humiliation and shame that he felt. He was putting all his vulnerable parts on display for Soobin to witness. That’s how Beomgyu knew that Soobin would never long for him like he does. How could Soobin fall for someone so weak like him? It was impossible in Beomgyu’s eyes. He wouldn’t like himself if he were Soobin. 

**

A few weeks after the ‘I want to eat your pancreas’ incident, Beomgyu and Soobin were off to the theater to watch the ‘Chainsaw Man’ movie. Though Beomgyu had seen the anime, he wasn’t exactly well-versed on the events that took place after it. Soobin, on the other hand, was caught up with all of the volumes. Beomgyu expected Soobin to spoil everything for him. But instead, Soobin was adamant that he wouldn’t spoil anything. 

Originally, Soobin meant to go with his friend. His friend ended up being called in for work at the last minute, so Soobin couldn’t go with him. Kai had never finished Chainsaw Man, so he wouldn’t go with him either. That left Beomgyu, whom Soobin didn’t seem so opposed to taking. After all, the tickets weren’t cheap. He couldn't simply go alone. 

They walked to the theater, a thick silence between them. They didn’t usually hang out on their own. Beomgyu would usually drag another person in, so it wouldn’t be just the two of them. But now, they were alone. Beomgyu pushed down the awkward feeling. They entered the movie theater. They scanned the tickets on Soobin's phone and told them where the movie was to be shown. They quietly made their way to the room where previews were already beginning to play. Trailers for other films loudly played through the theater as they made their way to their seats. 

They sat down in their designated seats and waited for the movie to start. Unfortunately, they had made the mistake of coming to the theatre on time, meaning that there would be thirty minutes' worth of previews before the movie played. Soobin sighed after the third preview, already growing impatient. Soobin didn’t exactly enjoy going to the theater. However, this was the only place he could see the movie.

Beomgyu quietly laughed at Soobin’s reaction to the egregious amount of previews being shown.

“I guess this is what happens when we come early,” Beomgyu joked.

“The one time we should’ve been late, I swear…” Soobin replied. 

“Hey, at least this gives us time to prepare ourselves,” Beomgyu said. “I heard this movie is going to be sad.” 

“Sad is an insane understatement,” Soobin replied. 

Beomgyu prepared himself for spoilers. He waited for Soobin to elaborate on his claim. Instead, he was met with silence. 

“Wow… the Choi Soobin isn’t spouting spoilers today?” Beomgyu asked. 

“No, I think you should experience this yourself,” Soobin replied. 

Beomgyu felt a pang of fear in his chest. Soobin loved to spoil things. It was his way of annoying the others. If Kai were simply talking about starting to watch an anime, Soobin would tell him about every plot twist and even the deaths of some characters. At times, he would lie about certain plot points. He had no reason to; he just enjoyed messing with Kai. But this time, Soobin was quiet. Usually by now, Soobin would have already told him everything that happens. Who lives, who dies, how it ends. Every single part of the movie should have already been explained. Soobin stayed quiet; it was odd to Beomgyu. 

Soon, the movie started. The colorful opening played on the big screen, and the upbeat music boomed through the speakers. The opening invoked a different mood in Beomgyu. He felt that this was a good sign. A colorful opening meant a happy, upbeat movie, right? How could it be any different? A sad film would never have a colorful opening. 

As the movie unfolded, Beomgyu realized that accompanying Soobin was a mistake. It wasn’t the light-hearted story he had expected; instead, it conveyed the feeling of vulnerability. There was a scene with a delicate butterfly, caught in a spider’s web, struggling helplessly as it became entirely at the spider’s mercy. This moment depicted the fragility of life and the hidden dangers within serene settings. Beomgyu was captivated, his initial expectations shattered, as he found himself drawn into a narrative.

Nearing the film’s end, the main character, Denji, traps the antagonist, Reze, in the chains of his chainsaws. Wrapped tightly together, they sank into the ocean. Bombs can’t explode underwater, and Reze’s purpose was to be a bomb. As they sank deeper underwater, Reze began to let go of her identity as a weapon. Beomgyu felt his eyes begin to sting. It wouldn’t be the first time that he felt them sting. Throughout the film, he found himself holding back the waterfalls of tears that pushed against the dam made of his dedication to not seem weak in front of Soobin. 

He looked next to him, in the soft blue light, and he saw a small droplet escape Soobin’s eye and slowly roll down his cheek. 

“Soobin-hyung, are you crying?” Beomgyu whispered. 

Soobin looked at him, wiped the tear on his cheek, and said, “Oh shit, I guess I am”. 

He laughed quietly as he wiped more tears from his face. He turned to Beomgyu. 

“You’re crying too,” Soobin said, reaching his hand over. He gently wiped Beomgyu’s tears with his thumb. Beomgyu’s eyes widened, and he backed away from Soobin’s touch. 

“Chill out,” Soobin said, laughing. “I don’t think any of us want people to know that we’re crying over anime.”

Beomgyu tried to ignore the heat beginning to creep up on his face. He was thankful for the dark movie theater. It would be hard to see how red his face was in such lighting. His heart pounded louder than the music from the anime. When Soobin was wiping his tears, Beomgyu was sure that they would kiss. He was far too close for comfort. Soobin turned back to the screen, moving past the moment that plagued Beomgyu’s mind. Beomgyu sat still, tense, and hot. He tried to focus on the movie. But his thoughts dominated him, as always. 

Chapter 3: It's just a silly phase i'm going through

Notes:

A bit short

After the movie, Soobin suggested that they go get food together. They arrived at a meat restaurant nearby and ordered enough meat to feed a group of four— along with several side dishes. Beomgyu sat quietly at the table as he grilled a small cut of meat on the grill infront. The sizzling was more deafening than the silence between them. Beomgyu found himself pushing about the meat with his mind.

“You’re overcooking it,” Soobin said, taking the pair of tongs from Beomgyu’s hands. He flipped the meat over and pushed it about for five more seconds before placing it on Beomgyu’s serving plate.

“Some people don’t like their meat to be raw,” Beomgyu grumbled.

“Beomgyu-ah, with the way you were cooking that, you might as well be eating tires,” Soobin said, laughing. “Take a bite of it and try to tell me i’m wrong.”

Beomgyu obliged, putting the entire cut of meat in his mouth out of spite. His expression soured as he continued to chew. The texture of the meat felt like rubber. For a second, he thought that he had eaten an eraser instead of the meat. When he finally swallowed, he looked up to see a smirk on Soobin’s face.

“Don’t say it,” Beomgyu said.

“Told you so,” Soobin said, placing another cut of meat on the grill. He was much faster in his movements, pushing and flipping the meat in a way that seemed almost calculated. He took it off the grill and blew on it until he felt that it had cooled down enough.

“Open your mouth real quick,” Soobin said, holding the small cut of meat with his chopsticks.

Beomgyu obliged, confused. Soobin moved closer and placed his hand under Beomgyu’s chin. He gently placed the piece of meat in Beomgyu’s mouth and backed away. Beomgyu’s face was completely flushed, the lighting extenuating the pink tones on his face. The taste in his mouth was worse— the meat was delicious. Beomgyu kept his mouth shut, not wanting to admit defeat.

“I guess it was good,” Beomgyu said quietly.

“Oh?? Sorry I didn’t hear you,” Soobin teased, leaning in closer.

“It was good,” Beomgyu said louder.

“I know it was,” Soobin replied. “Just wanted to hear you admit it.”

“You’re so annoying,” Beomgyu mumbled.

“At least I’m annoying and grill meat correctly,” Soobin teased.

Beomgyu sighed, taking a shot of soju. The burn of the alcohol helped distract him from the heat building up in his face. Though it was unhealthy, he loved using alcohol to distract him from confronting his feelings. If he was sad, he would drink. If he was angry, he would drink. If he was stressed, he would drink. It was seemingly the only way to prevent himself from relapsing into old behaviors he had promised to never do again.

**

“Soobin-hyung, get off, I can walk on my own,” Beomgyu slurred. Soobin had his arm around Beomgyu’s shoulder as they stumbled into the dorm.

“Beomgyu-ah, you couldn’t even get up from your seat at the restaurant,” Soobin remarked. Beomgyu brushed him off, pulling away from his body. Soobin still tried to support Beomgyu’s body, holding on to his hand.

“Hey, stop teasing me,” Beomgyu whined, pulling his hand away. “You always tease me!”

“Tease you?” Soobin asked, leading Beomgyu to his bedroom. “I’m trying to help you not hurt yourself again.”

Soobin motions to Beomgyu’s scraped knees. Soon after they left the restaurant, Beomgyu had lost his balance due to his inebriated state. This ended to two bloody scraped knees and a very concerned Soobin. Soobin was well aware of Beomgyu’s tendency to overdrink. He knew how much Beomgyu loved alcohol, especially beer. Beomgyu stumbled into his bedroom, pushing Soobin away.

“All you do is tease,” Beomgyu grumbled. Beomgyu crashed onto his bed with a groan, burying his face into the pillow. His hair was messy and his face was completely flushed. Soobin stood as his bedside, nudging him.

“Beomgyu-ah, sit up,” Soobin said. “I have to disinfect those gashes you have.”

“Gashes is a bit dramatic,” Beomgyu said, turning his head to look at Soobin. “Just let them get infected, whatever.”

“Come on, get up,” Soobin said, pulling Beomgyu up. Beomgyu whined as Soobin pulled him into a sitting position. “Wait here while I go get the alcohol.”

“Haven’t I had enough of that already?” Beomgyu mumbled. Soobin laughed and left to get the bottle of isopropyl alcohol. Beomgyu sat still, staring down at the gashes on his knees. He was aware that he was making a fool of himself. However, any embarrassment he once felt was completely changed. All he could feel was a warm and fuzzy feeling inside of him. The kind of feeling he would get when he saw Soobin. Now he was overwhelmed with joy. It almost felt suffocating.

Soobin came back with a bottle of isopropyl alcohol and two cotton rounds. He carefully poured a small amount of alcohol onto the cotton round.

“Beomgyu-ah, I’m going to need you to stay very still,” Soobin said, getting closer. “This is going to sting. A lot.”

“I don’t want that shit,” Beomgyu grumbled, moving away.

Soobin pressed down the cotton round on one of Beomgyu’s knees. Beomgyu winced and closed his eyes. He squirmed as Soobin pressed the cotton against his scraped skin. A small tear began to escape his eye and trail down his cheek. Suddenly, Soobin stopped pressing the cotton round against his wound.

“Does it hurt a lot?” Soobin asked.

Beomgyu nodded, another tear falling.

Soobin had forgotten that Beomgyu had a low pain tolerance. Soobin threw away the cotton rounds. He began to walk to the doorway.

“I’ll be back,” Soobin said. “In the meantime, try to sober up a bit, hm?”

Beomgyu nodded.

Soon, Yeonjun came into the room, looking as though he had just been woken up from a nap. He handed Beomgyu a water bottle.

“Soobin told me to give this to you,” Yeonjun said.

Beomgyu reluctantly began to drink from the water bottle.

“Why did you get drunk today?” Yeonjun asked. “You do realize we have a fan meeting tomorrow, right?”

“I know,” Beomgyu replied. “I just can’t handle being like this.”

Beomgyu tended to be far more loose-lipped than he intended to be when drunk. Yeonjun tilted his head.

“What do you mean?” Yeonjun asked.

“Having Soobin-hyung tease me like that,” Beomgyu replied.

“Tease you?” Yeonjun asked.

“Him suddenly caring about me,” Beomgyu explained. “It makes me feel some way and I hate it.”

Yeonjun laughed, shaking his head.

“Oh Beomgyu-ah, if you think what he did was the most caring he’s been, you’re so blind,” Yeonjun said, still laughing.

Beomgyu seemed confused and completely unaware of what Yeonjun was talking about.

“Soobin has always had a soft spot for you,” Yeonjun said.

“No he doesn’t, he teases me just like anyone else,” Beomgyu mumbled.

“He’s always worried about you,” Yeonjun said. “He’s never rough on you. Soobin just kinda.. I guess you could say that he gives you special treatment. He really cares, Beomgyu-ah.”

Beomgyu’s face softened. Although he didn’t entirely believe it, Soobin did have a soft spot for him. Beomgyu had always believed that it was due to his past. Perhaps Soobin took pity on him? That possibility made Beomgyu feel all the more pathetic.

“Of course he does,” Beomgyu whispered.

“He cares about you a lot, Beomgyu-ah,” Yeonjun said. “If anything, he teases me the most.”

Suddenly, Soobin burst in, now holding a bottle of saline solution. He looked as though he had run 20 miles. His hair was messy, he was breathing heavily and there were drops of sweat trickling down his face.

“I got saline,” Soobin said through heavy breaths. “This won’t hurt as much Beomgyu-ah”

Yeonjun stepped aside as Soobin kneeled down in front of Beomgyu. He gently pressed the cotton pad once more on Beomgyu’s wounded knee.

“There, does it feel better?” Soobin asked.

Beomgyu nodded and Soobin smiled.

“That’s good,” Soobin said softly.

Soobin got up from the floor.

“Get some sleep, Beomgyu-ah,” Soobin said. “We’ll be waking up very early tomorrow for all the shit we have to do.”

Beomgyu groaned and layed down.

“What a pain,” He whined.

Yeonjun laughed as Soobin began to pull the duvet over Beomgyu.

“What is he? your kid?” Yeonjun teased.

Soobin brushed off his teasing, stepping away from Beomgyu’s bedside and turning off the lamp. As soon as the lights were off, so was Beomgyu. He began to drift off as he shifted in his bed. Soobin motioned Yeonjun to follow him out of the room. He quietly closed the door behind him.

“You’re really soft for Beomgyu, aren’t you,” Yeonjun said.

“Yeah,” Soobin replied quietly. “I just hope that i’m not being obvious.”

“I think it’s far too late for that,” Yeonjun replied. “I’m surprised Beomgyu hasn’t realized it yet.”

“And I hope he doesn’t,” Soobin said. “I don’t know what i’d do if he realized.”

“Well, you have to be honest with him eventually,” Yeonjun added.

They walked to the couch in the living room and sat down.

“I’m not ready for that yet,” Soobin admitted.

“That’s fair, but you’ll have to be ready,” Yeonjun said.

Soobin sighed and ran his hand through his hair.

“This is much harder than they make it seem in the dramas,” Soobin complained.

Yeonjun laughed, careful to keep his volume somewhat low.

“Those are fictional, this is real life,” Yeonjun replied. “Dramas are written to entertain. Of course it would seem easier. There’s no fun in seeing someone constantly struggle.”

There was a long, thick period of silence as Soobin began contemplating on what he would do.

“Are you thinking of telling him… ever?” Yeonjun whispered.

“I want to, at least sometime this year,” Soobin answered. “I don’t want to stress him out. Beomgyu is very… I guess emotionally-inclined. He’ll hesitate to reject me because he thinks that he’ll be hurting my feelings. And maybe he will, but i’ll get over it. He won’t get over the guilt.”

“Who says that he’ll reject you?” Yeonjun asked. “You don’t know how he feels.”

“I know that he sees me as a friend, nothing more,” Soobin elaborated. “And, you saw how he reacted to Kai and Taehyun’s relationship. I don’t think he’s ready for one either.”

“How will you know if you never ask?” Yeonjun asked.

“Maybe I don’t want to know,” Soobin admitted. “And I don’t think he does either.”

“Soobin-ah, if you keep this secret up, it’s just going to hurt the both of you,” Yeonjun said.

“I know,” Soobin replied quietly. “But, maybe I could lessen the rift it’ll cause between us.”

“You’re not superhuman, Soobin-ah,” Yeonjun said. “There are things that you just won’t be able to do.”
“You really have no faith in me, do you?” Soobin asked with a dry laugh.

“To be honest, I dont,” Yeonjun confessed. “With the way you’re going about it, I guarantee that both of you will end up hurt.”

“Would you rather have an awkward situation where he rejects you, or would you rather let your unanswered feelings affect the relationship that you have with him?” Yeonjun asked.

“Why do both options have to be so bad?” Soobin complained.

“Because it’s just what realistically could happen,” Yeonjun replied.

Soobin sighed again.

“I’ll tell him soon,” Soobin said. “And if he rejects me, well what’s done is done.”

**

In the car, Beomgyu leaned his head against the window. Rain softly pattered against the glass, worsening his headache.

“What’s up with him?” Taehyun asked, pointing at Beomgyu.

“He’s very hungover,” Yeonjun replied.

“Why would he drink before a busy day?” Taehyun asked, his eyebrows furrowed.

“That’s a great question, Taehyun-ah,” Beomgyu said, lifting his head. “I don’t even know.”

The rain seemed to get lighter as they entered the freeway. Beomgyu silently thanked God for having mercy on his headache.

“Beomgyu-ssi, are you okay back there?” Their manager, Jisoo asked.

“Yeah, I just have a bad headache,” Beomgyu replied.

Jisoo sucked his teeth, shaking his head.

“You kids have to be more careful when you drink,” Jisoo said.

“Jisoo-nim, you’re speaking like an old man,” Soobin teased. “You’re only two years older than him.”

“Doesn’t make me wrong,” Jisoo replied.
“Beomgyu-hyung, I have a small container of ibuprofen in my bag,” Kai said. “If it’s really that bad, I could give you one.”

“No thanks,” Beomgyu replied. “Ibuprofen makes me dizzy…”

**

After their long list of activities, the members arrived at the dorm. It was 1:30 am and everyone was exhausted. Beomgyu in particular, was beyond exhausted. Beomgyu layed down on the couch.

“You’re not going to shower first?” Soobin asked, sitting beside him.

“I don’t think I could do anything right now,” Beomgyu said. “You could go ahead, you take a long time anyway.”

Suddenly, they heard the bathroom door close and the water start.

“Looks like you’re too late,” Beomgyu remarked.

Soobin could see Yeonjun from the corner of his eye, surveilling them. He took a deep breath and looked back at Beomgyu.

“Do you still feel sick?” Soobin asked.

Beomgyu shook his head.

“Not really, I’m just tired,” Beomgyu said quietly.

Soobin stayed silent, struggling to think of what he wanted to say. His words bubbled up like a soda being opened. Yet his words got trapped just before they could escape. Beomgyu looked at him, trying to push down his own feelings that arose. Soobin was still wearing makeup. The eyeshadow suited him perfectly. Beomgyu looked away, feeling the same flush creeping up on his face.

“Beomgyu-ah, did I make you upset last night?” Soobin asked.

Beomgyu sat up and looked at Soobin.

“What?” He asked. “No, of course not.”

“Did… you think I was upset?” Beomgyu asked.

“A bit,” Soobin admitted. “You started drinking a ton after I was teasing you. So… I figured that you might’ve gotten really annoyed. I thought that you got sick of me.”

“Sick of you?” Beomgyu asked. “That’s crazy! I actually had fun watching that movie with you. And I just was kinda reckless with my drinking.”

“Oh,” Soobin replied. “Sorry for accusing you then.”

Beomgyu sighed.

“No, you shouldn’t have felt like that in the first place,” Beomgyu replied. “I’m sorry that I drank a lot. I’ve just been… I guess I've been stressed over the past few days”

“And I don’t do well with stress,” Beomgyu admitted. “But that’s not your fault at all.”

“You know what? I’ll stop drinking from now on,” Beomgyu declared.

Soobin’s eyes widened.

“You? Stop drinking?” Soobin asked, with skepticism in his tone.

“Well, how hard could it be?” Beomgyu asked.

“Impossible, especially for you,” Soobin answered. “Beomgyu-ah, I’ve never meant someone who liked beer as much as you.”

“Beer is just a drink,” Beomgyu said. “I won’t let a drink sour my relationship with others.”

“Are you sure about this?” Soobin asked.

“As sure as I’ll ever be,” Beomgyu replied. “Besides, I’m far too old to cling onto things.”

**

Over the course of a week, Beomgyu quickly began to regret giving up beer. His head was in a state of constant agony. It felt as though his mind was racing a million miles per hour— a bullet train with no station to stop at. He picked at his skin further, only making the preexisting wounds far worse. Sitting on the practice room floor, Beomgyu stared at his hands. His hands were completely picked away, the wounds beginning to be more apparent.

“Oh Beomgyu…” Soobin quietly said, watching him from afar. Beomgyu seemed almost indifferent to his wounds, as though he had accepted their existence. Without further thought, Soobin found himself walking towards Beomgyu. Beomgyu looked up as Soobin stood in front of him.

“You need something?” Beomgyu asked.

“Beomgyu-ah, you shouldn’t have quit beer like you did,” Soobin admitted. “Wouldn’t it have been better to quit little by little?”

“I can’t quit little by little, that’s not quitting,” Beomgyu replied. “Besides, I’m fine.”

“No you aren’t, you’ve been picking your skin so much more, you’ve been staying up late, and you’re shaking a lot,” Soobin said.

Beomgyu hid his hands, slipping them into the pockets of his pants.

“You worry far too much,” Beomgyu remarked. “You worry so much more about me than you worry about yourself. I know that you’ve been staying up late too. Tell me, why is that?”

Soobin stayed silent. Beomgyu was right, he had been staying up late over the past few nights. But how could he sleep knowing that Beomgyu was struggling? He held back the words he wanted to say. He wanted to tell him the truth more than anything. But the risk greatly outweighed the reward in the conversation.

“It’s not fun when someone is investigating you, is it?” Beomgyu asked. “What’s with your insistence to know everything I’m doing?”

“I just want to know if you’re okay,” Soobin explained.

Beomgyu sighed.

“I’ve told you that I’m okay so many times,” Beomgyu said. “You just haven’t accepted it.”

“Because it isn’t true,” Soobin said, crouching down to meet Beomgyu’s eyes.

“How- How do you know?” Beomgyu said, a slight flush forming on his face. “They’re my feelings after all. I should know more than you.”

“And you do, but you’re choosing to not be honest with me,” Soobin replied.

“Why do I have to be honest?” Beomgyu asked. “Why can’t my feelings just be a secret?”

“They can’t be a secret when there’s a chance that you’ll hurt yourself because of them,” Soobin whispered.

Beomgyu’s eyes widened, his face enveloped in a light flush.

“So that’s what this is about?” Beomgyu asked. “You think I relapsed?”

“Beomgyu-ah, you’ve been acting really off these past few weeks… I don’t know what else to think,” Soobin explained.

“You need to stop jumping to conclusions,” Beomgyu snapped. “I’m not terminally ill, so quit acting like I am.”

Soobin was taken back, he stood up.

“Fine, if you’re doing as well as you say you are, i’ll leave you alone,” Soobin said.

Soobin walked away and Beomgyu sighed. He didn’t want to snap at him. He hated the idea of being thought of as a loose thread. He was somehow always on the brink of unraveling in Soobin’s eyes. Unintentionally, Soobin’s belief that he would one day relapse made Beomgyu feel weak. In Soobin’s eyes, he was unable to take care of himself— or at least that’s what Beomgyu believed Soobin thought of him.

**

Beomgyu layed in his bed, awake. He could hear Taehyun and Kai in the room next to him, giggling as they usually did at night. Their playful conversations made him nauseous. He turned over with a deep sigh. Suddenly, he heard a soft knock at his bedroom door. He turned on his lamp, sitting up. He saw Soobin in the doorway. His face was bare, makeup wiped clean off. His thick black frames adorned his face. He wore nothing but a pair of grey sweatpants and blue boxers with the waistband peeking through. Beomgyu’s eyebrows furrowed, confused as to why Soobin was in his room so late.

“Beomgyu-ah, can we talk?” Soobin asked.

“We’re already talking,” Beomgyu retorted. “If you’re here to apologize, just forget about it. I already forgive you.”

“It’s not about me being forgiven or not,” Soobin replied. “I didn’t just come here to clear my conscience.”

Beomgyu crossed his arms, staring at Soobin with a cold expression. His eyes were soft, making his cold expression seem less genuine. He wanted to be angry with Soobin in hopes that it would quell the feelings he had for him. It only served to make things worse as he began to realize that he was incapable of being upset with Soobin.

“I just wanted to explain myself,” Soobin said. “I said all those things because I was just scared that something would happen to you.”

Beomgyu’s cold expression began to soften. He fought to still seem somewhat composed— a fight he was losing.

“Beomgyu-ah, you know that I care about you, right?” Soobin asked to which Beomgyu nodded.

“And you’re right, I do care about you more than I care about myself,” Soobin admitted. “But that’s because I’m older. I care about all of the members more than I care about myself. I have to, it’s my responsibility as leader and as the second oldest.”

“I don’t do it to belittle or embarrass you,” Soobin said. “I would never want to do that, ever.”

“But, I was overreacting,” Soobin confessed. “You’re so much stronger than I realize. You don’t need someone to look out for you as much as I have.”

By now, Beomgyu’s cold expression has now completely melted away. He cursed himself for being so soft when he should be angry. But his filthy heart would not allow him to do anything else. Soobin stared at him, his heart fluttering as he witnessed Beomgyu’s demeanor soften.

“You really didn’t have to do this, you know,” Beomgyu softly said. “I understood either way. I was just upset at the moment, that’s all.”

“I wouldn’t be able to sleep knowing that I didn’t at least explain why I felt like that,” Soobin replied. “I want to be more honest with you.”

Soobin paused, hesitating to speak. He thought for a moment, “Would this be a good time?” He pondered. Finally, he sighed, deciding that the time wasn’t right.

“So it is true… you do have a soft spot for me,” Beomgyu said quietly. “I’ve never seen you talk like this to any of the other members.”

Soobin’s ears turned red. His eyes widened and his heart dropped to his stomach.

“Soft spot?” Soobin asked. “Who… Who said that?”

“No one,” Beomgyu replied. “I just… noticed it, I guess.”

Soobin stayed quiet, unsure of what to say. He didn’t want to confirm Beomgyu’s suspicions. But how could he deny it? He was obvious enough for Beomgyu to notice, it would be foolish to deny Beomgyu’s accusation.

“Maybe I do,” Soobin said quietly. “Would that be so weird?”

“No,” Beomgyu responded, caught off guard by Soobin’s response.

“I kind of like it, actually,” Beomgyu admitted. “Is that weird?”

“No,” Soobin replied.

They both stayed quiet as they tried to hide their flushed faces from each other.

Chapter 4: Ooh, you'll wait a long time for me

Notes:

huge self-harm warning at the start (It is labeled). If you want to avoid the topic entirely, please skip to where it states, "They arrived at the radio studio".

In the early hours of the morning, Beomgyu stared into the mirror. He ran his fingers over his healed scars— ghosts of his past. He wondered how Soobin could have a soft spot for him after all he put him through. Soobin bore witness to the darkest points in his life. Beomgyu stared at the white marks on his upper arms. His upper arms were completely littered with these scars. 

 

** January 14th 2020 (SELF-HARM WARNING)

 

In the late hours of the night, when Beomgyu couldn’t seem to keep his mind quiet, he found the bathroom to be a safe space for him. It was quiet, it was empty, and there was no one around to judge him for crying. And finally, it is where he carried out acts that he could never reveal to anyone. Hidden behind clothes was a small boxcutter. Whenever he felt emotions that he couldn’t kill, his boxcutter kept him company. He sat down on the edge of the bathtub, taking off his shirt. 

 

He bit his lip, hoping to silence his cries. And as he was about to press the blade to his arm-

 

The door gently opened. 

 

In the doorway stood Soobin. 

 

Beomgyu looked at him wide-eyed and frozen. Soobin returned the expression, staring at the boxcutter in his hand. 

 

“What… What are you doing?” Soobin whispered shakily. 

 

Before Beomgyu could respond, Soobin lunged forward and snatched the boxcutter from his hand. He threw the boxcutter behind him. He pulled Beomgyu into a tight embrace.

 

“What the fuck are you doing?!” Beomgyu cried out. “Let go of me!!” 

 

“No, I won’t let you do this to yourself,” Soobin shakily replied, holding him tighter. “Not now, not ever.” 

 

“Let go!!” Beomgyu cried, squirming in Soobin’s embrace. 

 

Soon, Beomgyu began to stop resisting. Instead, he broke down in Soobin’s embrace. 

 

“I’m sorry,” He said weakly. 

 

“No, don’t apologize, I’m not mad at you,” Soobin replied, still holding him tight.

 

** (SELF-HARM WARNING ENDS)

 

Beomgyu hated these scars. They were reminders of his past and all the things he did to cope. He hated the fact that these marks on his arms were a part of him. He felt as though they defined him. He hated showing them. He hated the look of pity and judgment he would receive for something he couldn't control. He’s thought about putting a foundation over it. However, he didn’t have the time to do that. Instead, he opted to wear long sleeves constantly. It was a hellish feeling during the summer. His whole body would be cooked in the humid heat. Winters were his favorite season. He wouldn’t look different in winter. For once, his choice in clothing seemed normal. 

 

Beomgyu slipped on a striped long-sleeved shirt in an effort to cover his scars. The ghosts of his past were quickly concealed by the thick fabric. Yet, that didn’t serve to quell his shame from possessing such scars. Beomgyu slipped on a somewhat baggy pair of jeans. Suddenly, the door swung open. Beomgyu jumped and looked back at the door. 

 

“Ah, sorry, did I scare you?” Soobin asked, trying to hold back a laugh. 

 

“You scared the shit out of me, yes,” Beomgyu replied, irritated. 

 

“Sorry, Beomgyu-ah,” Soobin said, laughter escaping through his words.

 

 “Are you almost ready?” Soobin asked. “Jisoo-nim wants us outside by 5:30. But knowing him, he’s probably outside right now.” 

 

“I’ll be out in a minute,” Beomgyu replied. 

 

Soobin nodded and closed the door. Beomgyu sighed, still trying to catch his breath. He ran his hand through his hair. 

 

“Seriously…” Beomgyu whispered. “I could’ve lost it back there.” 

 

He looked in the mirror, noticing how red his face was. 

 

“Shit…” He whispered. 

 

**

 

They arrived at the radio studio to take part in a radio show. Beomgyu was somewhat unaware of this schedule and was only made aware of it the day before. Yet, here they were, at a studio at six in the morning. They walked in, where they were quickly greeted by a staff member. They were guided to the studio room where the hosts were already sitting. The station was currently off the air, playing whatever songs were on the charts. The hosts quickly greeted the members, to which the members returned the greeting. 

 

They sat down and the hosts began to talk with them. They were simple conversations— things to break the ice. Beomgyu, however, was not participating in the conversation at all. All he could do was stare at Soobin as he responded to the hosts’ question with a smile. That smile was the smile that always destroyed Beomgyu. Soobin had such a charming smile. It was enough to make anyone fall for him. How could Beomgyu remain unaffected by it? It was impossible. He would have to give up all of his humanity just to be the slightest bit composed when he sees that smile. 

 

“Okay, the song is almost over,” One of the hosts informed them. “After this, the interview will start.”

 

The members nodded. Beomgyu stared down at his hands. They seemed much better than a few weeks ago, when Soobin was making a fuss about his skin-picking problem. He didn’t want to upset him again, as much as he wanted to pick away at his skin. Soon the song ended, and they were on the air. 

 

“Good morning! Today we have a very special guest with us,” The host said. “Or well- very special guests, Tomorrow by Together!” 

 

“We are very happy to be here,” Yeonjun said, smiling. 

“So, Yeonjun-ssi, we heard that you’ve released your first solo album,” The host said. “Could you tell us about the process of that?”

 

“It was pretty challenging… but well I enjoy a challenge,” Yeonjun replied. 

 

Beomgyu began to zone out as the hosts asked questions and the other members answered. He stared down at his hands, once more. He fought the urge to pick. There was a strong sense of anxiety inside him. He always felt this whenever he took long breaks from drinking alcohol. He didn’t simply drink alcohol for fun. His body craves it. And when he doesn't get it, his body gives him hell. 

 

“Well, Beomgyu-ssi, you also now have two songs out right now,” The host said, snapping Beomgyu out of his daze. “What was the process for writing Panic and Take My Half?” 

 

Beomgyu thought about what to say. He knew why he wrote those songs. He knew who he wrote them about. But how could he confess to whom he wrote them about when the subject was in the room with him? He could feel Soobin’s gaze on him. His gaze was soft, and that killed Beomgyu even more. 

 

“Oh well… I just decided to write about the struggles that we all face,” Beomgyu replied vaguely. “I wanted to show that there is always a way out. Because it might seem like a pool with no floor at first, you feel like you’re drowning with no way out. But you find your footing and you can breathe again. That’s what I wanted to convey.”

 

While Beomgyu was saying a partial truth, the entire truth was far deeper than he led on. The full truth was that Beomgyu had felt so isolated and helpless without Soobin around during his hiatus, it had pushed him to write songs rather than go back to self-destructive coping mechanisms. But how could he explain that? Soobin would feel horrible, and the public would believe that he is pathetic. 

 

“Wow, that’s very inspirational,” The host said, smiling. “I listened to Panic on the way over here, and for a minute, I could’ve sworn that it was a love song! Guess I was pretty far off.” 

 

Beomgyu's eyes widened. Was he too obvious in his songwriting? He couldn't believe that someone had interpreted his songs like that. After all, they were about his struggles with depression, not about love. How could they be about love? He was not in love with anyone. He was incapable of loving someone. In his mind, he would never love anyone else if he didn't love himself. He hadn't even gotten to the point of liking himself. How could he ever consider loving himself or anyone else? 

 

He simply laughed at the host's remark, though he was shocked. The host then asked questions to the other members. Beomgyu stayed on the same topic. How could he assume that Panic and Take My Half were love songs? He didn’t quite intend them to be love songs. He really just wanted to talk about how people can persevere and find the light in the darkest of times. How could that be tied back to love?

 

Unless he had accidentally written it with the feelings he felt for Soobin. During the writing phase, Soobin had taken a hiatus and gone back to his childhood home to recover after suffering several panic attacks and extreme exhaustion. Beomgyu tried to act like he didn’t care about Soobin’s temporary departure. Before Soobin left, he simply waved goodbye while the others hugged him tightly. Beomgyu stood alone at the train station, watching as the train departed while the others began to make their way out. 

 

At that moment, Beomgyu felt like crying. And as soon as no eyes were on him, he let a few tears escape his eyes. However, he did feel guilty about being emotional. Leaving was the best thing Soobin could do. He was much happier away from all of the stress and hardship. The moment Beomgyu got back to the dorms, he was overwhelmed with a sense of crushing loneliness. He was used to sleeping alone now that they had their own rooms. But there were things that he did with Soobin regardless. Late at night, they would eat snacks together and laugh quietly as they tried their hardest not to wake the other members up. Sometimes, Soobin would randomly come into Beomgyu’s room, and they would play games together. Some nights, it got to the point that they’d spend the entire night together, playing games and laughing until dawn. But now that Soobin was gone, Beomgyu didn’t have the luxury of company. 

 

That was his breaking point and the driving force for the song. In this solitude, he wrote panic, all over the span of a week. And as time went on, he began a rough draft of what would become Take My Half. Take My Half was entirely about Soobin. It was written from the deep pain Beomgyu felt for not being able to help Soobin, despite his own struggles. He wished he could take all the burdensome feelings from Soobin and feel them for himself. Not only to understand him better, but to relieve some of the pain that Soobin was feeling all that time. 

 

He knew that it was impossible to do. So he decided that a song would suffice, though Soobin did not realize that it was about him. Soobin had suspected that Panic had something to do with him. At first, Beomgyu denied it. He didn’t want Soobin to discover how much his absence really affected him. Until eventually, Beomgyu came clean and admitted that the song was, in some way, about him.

 

**

 

Late at night, Beomgyu lay in bed, awake. Tucked away in his drawer was a book of poems and songs he had written to cope with past struggles. It was a better coping mechanism than the other ones he had. He didn’t want to add to the scars that haunted his arms. He had enough reminders to keep him grounded. So instead of taking his feelings out on himself, he took them out in the notebook. Whenever he tried to come up with new songs, he would often revisit songs from older days. He took out the book from his drawer. He pulled out his phone and began scrolling through songs. This always put him in the mood for creating new songs, all while being inspired by the songs made before he was born. One in particular caught his eye:

 

“I’m not in love by 10cc”

 

He remembered this song. It was practically the soundtrack of the past five years. His brother had introduced him to this song way back in high school. He was in his third year, and Beomgyu was in his first. On the way to school, Beomgyu’s brother would play this song quietly in the car. It was played from a CD gifted to him on his birthday. Beomgyu’s brother liked that kind of music. And over time, Beomgyu began to enjoy it too. 

 

In a way, this song reminds him of home. That was until he had taken a closer look at the lyrics and realized what they had actually meant. The song was about someone afraid to admit that they were in love. It was from the perspective of someone who was denying the fact that they were in love with the other person. That someone sounded very familiar– that someone sounded like Beomgyu. Suddenly, this song became the song he resonated with the most. 

 

He picked up his journal and began to write. 

“I won't admit it, the way you make me feel” 

 

**

 

In the kitchen, Soobin and Yeonjun sat at the table, drinking beer. 

 

“So, are you still thinking about when you’re going to tell him?” Yeonjun asked, taking a sip.

 

Soobin sighed and shifted uncomfortably.

 

“I've given this some thought," Soobin replied.

 

Yeonjun straightened up, leaning in slightly, eager to hear Soobin’s plan.

 

“I’ll tell him next year,” Soobin announced.

 

Yeonjun leaned back, visibly disappointed. He pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to keep calm before speaking.

 

“Soobin-ah, you can’t just keep dragging this out," Yeonjun said. “You have to tell him eventually. If you continue to hide it, it’ll cause a rift between the two of you. I mean—five years? Really?” 

 

“Yeonjun-hyung, just because you have a girlfriend doesn’t mean you get to play the relationship expert," Soobin grumbled.

 

“This isn’t even about me having a girlfriend. It’s about you not taking any steps to get over this crush," Yeonjun explained. “It’s been five years. Don’t you think it’s about time you moved on?" 

 

“I think I could wait a little longer—"

 

“Soobin-ah,” Yeonjun interrupted.

 

“Kidding,” Soobin said with a smile, raising his hands.

 

“I’m going to tell him on Lunar New Year,” Soobin said. “I’ll invite him to go with me to that festival we used to go to.” 

 

“The one near the old company building?” Yeonjun asked. 

 

“Yeah,” Soobin replied. “We’ll hang out for a bit, walk around, look at the decorations, all the stuff we used to do there. Then, just before the fireworks start, I'll tell him. He’ll be so distracted by the fireworks that he won’t feel guilty for rejecting me. Then we could just forget anything ever happened.” 

 

“Wow… you really planned this all out,” Yeonjun remarked, laughing. “But how can you be so sure that he’ll reject you? Or that he’ll be distracted by the fireworks.” 

 

“Well, for one, I know that Beomgyu doesn’t see me as anything more than a friend,” Soobin replied. 

 

**

 

Beomgyu jotted down words in the journal with great intensity. The lyrics that were originally meant for a song were beginning to become messy and almost like a vent. The page was littered with scribbles and chicken scratch. 

 

“There’s a craving for you from deep in my heart. From the way your dimples pronounce themselves when you smile. You’re the sun and I'm the snow on the trees. And in your warmth, I melt away, revealing a beautiful spring.” 

 

“Oh… Oh, this is bad,” Beomgyu mumbled, looking over the lyrics. 

 

Before, his feelings would never completely take over his songwriting. Beomgyu was always good at maintaining a bit of composure. This time, however, everything proved to be far more difficult than it was before. Beomgyu eventually decided it would be best to simply close his journal and abandon the idea of creating a song entirely. He had millions of thoughts whirring in his head, yet he could only express them in four words: “I’m not in love”. It was just as the song said. He wasn’t in love— if he were in love, then he would know. This was simply a silly feeling that he couldn't control. 

 

Beomgyu fished for his headphones in his bag. He pulled them out and connected them to his phone. Again, he found himself pressing on that song. The very song that both hurts him and heals him with the weapon of familiarity. He felt understood— and that hurt him. He didn’t want to accept the feelings he hadn’t even realized were there. He knew that if he accepted these feelings, he would open the floodgates to everything else that he struggled to accept as true or even real. There was one truth he had accepted: something inside of him wanted Soobin. That something was so adamant in its craving that it constantly begged for Soobin’s presence. Beomgyu always felt pathetic when his heart would beat faster when he was around Soobin. It made him feel almost dependent. Soobin was the antidote, and Beomgyu was severely diseased. 

 

Beomgyu hated that he yearned for Soobin like an astronomer yearns for the stars. Soobin was all up above him as he watched with a heavy heart. He was a beached whale yearning for the sea. He was a polar bear kept in a hot enclosure, with Soobin being a cold winter. 

 

“Oh… what could I do?” Beomgyu mumbled. “I’ve completely lost it. I used to have everything under control… what is this?? This is just… this is so pathetic.” 

 

He groaned into the palms of his hands, hoping to get his emotions out somehow. He shook them off like one shakes the rainwater off an umbrella. But in this case, his feelings stuck to him like glitter. He shifted around in his bed, his emotions threatening to flow out of him like an over-shaken soda. The song played over and over again, the feeling getting increasingly overwhelming. 

 

At that moment, Beomgyu came to a horrifying realization. 

 

He was in love

 

And more importantly…

 

He was in love with Choi Soobin.

**

 

In the kitchen, Soobin threw away the empty beer cans on the table. Yeonjun had already gone to bed. Soobin sat back down at the table, now alone. He stared into the abyss, repeating his plans in his head. There was one thing that stuck with him, however.

 

“But how can you be so sure that he’ll reject you?”

 

It was a simple question. But it was a question that Soobin didn’t exactly know the answer to. He didn’t know if Beomgyu would reject him. Most of Soobin’s mind was sure that Beomgyu held no romantic desire for him. However, there was a small part in the very back of his mind. Tucked away in a tight corner, a thought occurred to him. 

 

“What if I’m not alone with my feelings?”

 

Soobin had always dismissed this thought as something to give him false hope. It was a silly thought made up of the frustrating feelings of desire he harbored. This thought was never to be taken seriously. At least, he thought it was a silly thought. But Yeonjun seemed surprised that Soobin was sure of the possibility of rejection. This kind of reaction led Soobin to think. How was he sure? Soon, Soobin began to lose himself in his daydreams. He imagined what life would be like if Beomgyu agreed to something more than a friendship. He fantasized about how life would be if he could simply hold hands with Beomgyu without it being an awkward situation for both of them. He also thought about how it would feel to be able to admire Beomgyu from up close instead of at a distance. He thought about every detail of Beomgyu’s face, even his mannerisms. 

 

He loved it when Beomgyu would mumble in his sleep. It was mostly nonsense. However, at times, Beomgyu would mumble legible sentences. Soobin heard it the most when they were still roommates. In the late hours of the night, he would listen to Beomgyu mumbling in his sleep. One particular night, he heard something unusual coming from Beomgyu.

 

“Soobin-hyung… Soobin-hyung” 

Soobin usually heard Beomgyu calling for his mother, but this time, it was Beomgyu calling for Soobin instead. That simple call made Soobin fall even deeper in love with Beomgyu. It was as if love were a pool, and with each small action, Beomgyu was pushing the floor farther down. Soobin found himself captivated by the mundane things Beomgyu did—like covering his mouth when he laughed, speaking with a subtle pout, hiding his face when he yawned, or resting his hands on his chest while sleeping. Each of these little gestures only deepened Soobin's affection.

“Oh, Beomgyu… why must you do this to me?” Soobin whispered to himself, holding his head in his hands. 

 

Soon, he would lose himself entirely in his sweet daydreams. He envisioned the dates they would go on, imagining taking Beomgyu out for ice cream. They would share a vanilla ice cream cone since he knew that Beomgyu didn't like to overeat. Afterwards, they would visit an aquarium to admire the sea creatures in the large blue tanks. He couldn't wait to see Beomgyu light up as he marveled at the jellyfish swimming by, knowing how much he loved them.

 

Suddenly, Soobin was taken out of his daydream as Beomgyu came into the kitchen. He looked exhausted, as though he had gone through a failed nap attempt. 

 

“You okay?” Soobin asked. 

 

Beomgyu nodded slowly before making his way over to the fridge and taking a can of beer out. 

 

“You’re back to drinking?” Soobin asked.

 

“Yeah, I… don’t think I’m made for a sober life,” Beomgyu said before taking a sip of the beer. He loved how the bitterness danced on his tongue, reminding him of how much he missed drinking beer. 

 

“What’s wrong?” Soobin asked. 

 

“Nothing,” Beomgyu replied, annoyance seeping through his tone. “Why so many questions?” 

 

“Just wanted to see how you’re doing,” Soobin replied. “I haven’t talked to you since the morning. Plus, you look quite rough and… well, you’re technically relapsing.” 

 

“It’s not relapsing if I never had a problem to begin with,” Beomgyu mumbled, sitting down. Despite the conversation seemingly ending, Beomgyu could see Soobin still staring at him. 

 

“I’m fine,” Beomgyu reiterated, putting the can down. “You can quit worrying about me.”

 

“Not worrying,” Soobin replied. “I’m just looking at you.” 

 

“Well, then stop looking at me,” Beomgyu replied, taking another sip of beer. Soobin’s dreams were further shattered. At that moment, it became apparent to Soobin that Beomgyu did not feel the same. He didn’t feel his heart racing as much as Soobin did. Beomgyu was not struck with desire as deeply as Soobin was. Beomgyu would never look at him and let his eyes appreciate the small features on his face— just as Soobin did for Beomgyu.

 

Soobin looked away, hoping to diffuse the situation between them. He could tell that Beomgyu was not in a good mood. However, he didn’t exactly know how to help him. 

 

“I’m sure now… we’re definitely just friends,” Soobin thought to himself. 

 

“Fuck… why does he keep looking at me like that?? Doesn’t he know what that does to me…” Beomgyu thought to himself, unconsciously gripping the beer can. 

 

“I wish I were more than just his friend,” Soobin thought. “He looks so pretty… even when he’s tired. But I should leave him alone, he doesn’t seem like he wants me around.” 

 

Soobin got up from the table. He quietly began to make his way out. Suddenly, he felt a hand grab onto his wrist. His eyes widened, and he turned around.

 

“Please… don’t leave me alone,” Beomgyu whispered. 

 

“You want me to stay?” Soobin asked. His eyes were still wide with surprise. He looked down at Beomgyu, who seemed to be inches away from tears. He appeared completely sincere in his request. 

 

While Beomgyu was annoyed with Soobin’s unintentional charm, he still yearned to be close to him. Soobin made him feel safe and warm in a cold life. 

 

**

 

They sat on the couch watching TV. In his drunken stupor, Beomgyu had snuggled up to Soobin. For a moment, Beomgyu could feel his body succumbing to his exhaustion. However, his pride kept him awake. 

 

“I can’t fall asleep… not now… not like this,”  Beomgyu thought to himself as his eyelids felt heavier and heavier. He was the most comfortable he has ever been. Soobin had thrown a blanket on him after he complained that it was too cold. Unfortunately for Beomgyu, Soobin was entirely correct in his action. So correct that it led Beomgyu to fight a difficult battle with the final boss of exhaustion. He subconsciously moved closer to Soobin, where it was warm to combat the cold feeling he was experiencing. He could barely think straight in his exhausted and drunk state. The sounds from the TV began to sound like nonsense as he started drifting off. 

 

Eventually, he had lost the battle to exhaustion, his head gently falling against Soobin’s arm. 

 

Soobin’s eyes widened, and he carefully turned his head so as not to disturb Beomgyu’s slumber. 

 

“Did he… just fall asleep…on me?” Soobin thought to himself.

 

This wasn’t a unique situation. Beomgyu has fallen asleep around him numerous times. However, this was the first time that Beomgyu had fallen asleep on him. They were dangerously close together. His heart raced at a rate he didn’t know was possible. With his free arm, he gently pulled the blanket over Beomgyu’s body. He quietly sighed, unable to escape his predicament. However, part of him didn’t want to escape. Part of him wanted to stay in this position forever. 

 

“Soobin-hyung…” Beomgyu sleepily mumbled. “Quit… teasing me…”

Soobin looked over at Beomgyu. Beomgyu was still asleep. His lips were fixed in a subtle pout as he mumbled nonsense with words mixed in. These words seemed targeted. Soobin felt his face begin to heat up. 

 

“He’s so cute when he does that…” Soobin thought to himself. “But… what could he mean by me teasing him? I barely talked to him today…”

 

He tried to fight his desire, to tell himself that Beomgyu would never like him back. However, his desires proved to be stronger. They proved to be stronger than everything. It was as if his body yearned for Beomgyu even if his mind told him that it was a bad idea to get closer. His mind was firm that it would be catastrophic if he had tried to pursue anything above a platonic bond. But Beomgyu made him feel a certain way that no one had ever made him feel before. He had tried to convince himself that he didn’t have feelings for Beomgyu. He had kissed several women before. And he even went further with others. But they never made him feel the way that Beomgyu has.

 

Soobin thought he was broken for not being able to feel anything when he kissed people. He thought he was defective when he couldn’t find any romantic feelings for his (now ex) girlfriend. Soobin thought that maybe there was something deeply wrong with him. Something that needed to be fixed. But after all of those failed dates and subpar kisses, Beomgyu would greet him with a warm smile when he returned to the dorm. And suddenly, he could feel everything he was missing when he was with other people. 

 

That’s how Soobin knew that what he felt for Beomgyu was so much greater than simply appreciation. 

 

“Beomgyu-ah, it’s a shame that we’ll always be friends,” Soobin whispered, gently brushing the hair away from Beomgyu’s eyes.. “Then we wouldn’t have moments like this more often…”

 

“I’ll still like you,” Soobin whispered. “Even if we’re nothing more.”

 

Soon, Soobin began to surrender to his own exhaustion. He didn’t try to fight it, however. He simply let his weariness win the nonexistent battle between them. And shortly after, he was sleeping just like Beomgyu. 

 

And they would stay stuck together on the couch for several hours. Or until Beomgyu woke up and freaked out about their position. But for now, they clung onto each other. They were personal heaters. For now, they put aside their shame and pride. Just for now, they let their feelings win.