Chapter Text
“I’m going to need you to break his heart the way you broke mine all those years ago,” Steve’s words still haunted Tony even after he’d taken the time to allow them to sink in. Sure, maybe it had been over a week since Steve had come back to town seeking out Tony’s company in his return bringing with his arrival a hope for their eventual reunion as far as Tony was concerned, but not even romantic reservations at their favorite restaurant had prepared him for the truth bomb that Steve had come back to the city armed with in his long-awaited return.
“The thing is that Bucky and I had a good thing going for a while after I left here,” Steve had been quick to shoot down any of Tony’s hopes for an eventual reunion between them with the talk that still stung Tony in ways that Tony feared he wouldn’t be able to get over, “but he never quite saw me as the one.”
“Bucky?” Tony had repeated blinking back in confusion after he’d gone all out on his night with Steve booking their preferred table together, followed by ordering their favorite dessert and even wearing his best suit that Steve had often favored during their brief time together as lovers and teammates before Steve had taken off towards finding himself in ways that life with the team hadn’t provided him when he and Tony were together.
Sure, so yeah maybe Tony had hated to watch Steve leave, knowing that Steve stepping away from the team would’ve been something that would tear apart their dynamic, but what he hadn’t been prepared for was the way that Steve had broken the ties entirely, setting himself in a place where he was virtually untouchable and unreachable to anyone on the team including Tony. That part hurt more than Tony cared to admit, but he’d maintained his position to support Steve and his leave of absence, hoping that with Steve’s return Steve would want to pick up where he and Tony had left off with one another, which as far as Tony was concerned was trying to figure out why they’d felt so right together even when Steve was struggling to find his place in the new world he’d been thrust into. And yeah, okay so maybe when Steve had announced he was going to leave, Tony was wholly convinced Steve wouldn’t actually go—that somehow he’d change his mind and come back after seeing that what he’d left behind was far more important than whatever clarity he was chasing on the other side of the world away from the team. Or in this case more specifically away from Tony, which was something that if Tony was honest with himself, he couldn’t quite comprehend after he and Steve had been going strong for the six months prior to Steve’s abrupt decision to skip town without warning. And sure, yeah, Tony maybe most certainly didn’t deal with Steve leaving in the best of ways as he’d taken to returning to late night benders and losing himself in his lab to avoid what it meant to face the fact that Steve was leaving. Sure, it wasn’t at all the proper approach, but on some level, Tony had convinced himself that if he didn’t say goodbye then Steve would never leave. Not without a proper send off or maybe even begging Tony to take off with him in order to build upon the new life that they’d found in one another.
Only Steve hadn’t. He never once even considered asking Tony to tag along as less than two weeks later Steve was gone, off to find himself and Tony was left with his own struggles trying to piece together what went wrong with them exactly after Steve had made it clear in his retreat that what they’d found with one another wasn’t enough.
That was the part that Tony couldn’t quite grasp because for him things had been going good. Better than good if he was honest and that’s why none of it made any sense. The sex had been off the charts amazing every time they were together and everything else that followed felt oddly perfect in ways that made Tony simultaneously uncomfortable and desperate to give into the need to feel wanted and loved in the ways that Steve had offered to him. Sure, it had taken Tony by surprise, but damn it felt good. Like maybe Tony had turned his shitty luck around and found a place where he finally mattered in the world to someone who thought he was worth more than he’d ever allowed himself to be. It was strong and intense, but most of all it was the balm to Tony’s soul that years of self-depreciation and lack of any real worth in his life was finally offering after someone as perfect as Steve had taken a chance on something with him.
But then it was over.
Without warning.
Kaput.
Reaching the end of the road because Steve was gone without a proper goodbye off to find something better in places that he didn’t want Tony to be. And yeah, it sucked. More than Tony could imagine and that only made things worse. He’d gone on a spiral down to some dark places that he was fairly certain he could probably not find the strength to dig himself out of once that chance for happiness was gone. Instead, it was merely a turn back to the old emptiness he’d felt before Steve and he’d accepted that. He’d returned to the life of depravity and his once miserable existence, trying to fill the void with nameless faces and a string of warm bodies willing to take a shot at arousing interest in him until that morning a few weeks earlier Steve had taken the time to reach out after over two years of being lost to the world he’d walked away from.
“I’m coming home Tony, and we need to talk. Been thinking about you for a while. I miss you,” Steve’s cryptic message had taken Tony by surprise, but had given him hope that after Steve’s years of soul searching that he’d finally realized that home was where he’d longed to be back with Tony and facing down the possibility of something real between them again.
Only for as much as Tony had longed for that to happen it took less than half an hour into dinner for Tony to realize that the Steve who’d walked out of his life wasn’t nearly the one who’d returned for their meal together. The man who’d sat across from Tony had clearly been lost to another life bringing with his return a truth bomb that Tony hadn’t been prepared for.
“I love him, Tony. More than I’ve ever allowed myself to love anyone else and I’m tired of pretending that he isn’t everything to me. It wasn’t until I discovered that he was still out there that I realized something was missing inside of me,” Steve had gone on about his secret mission away from the team and Tony during his years away, “Once I knew he was alive, it was like that part of me that was wholly convinced was gone forever was awakened inside of me. I knew I had to find him and bring him home, but what I wasn’t prepared for was the way that all those old feelings I had for him as a kid would come rushing back to the surface again. It was like knowing that he was still out there was the sign that I needed to know that it wasn’t a mistake in my being a part of this new world.”
“I see,” Tony merely responded behind pinched lips and a sinking sensation in his stomach over the way that seeing Steve swoon over his lost love had taken the joy from Tony’s hope for a reunion between them.
“Sure, he’s been through a lot, but deep down I always knew that he was still in there. He was still Bucky and now that he’s back again,” Steve paused bringing one hand over the center of his chest before smiling over at Tony and revealing the hopefulness behind his blue eyes, “I know that I need to find a way to show him that he’s the only one for me.”
“I’m sure you can figure it out,” Tony fought to keep his disappointment from showing, merely poking at the peas on his plate before fighting against the urge to run away as hurt rolled over him. Instead, he held fast and forced a tight smile, raising his chin up to meet Steve’s eyes again behind an uneasy breath, “I’m happy that you found your home Steve.”
“I never would’ve gotten there without you Tony,” Steve’s words were softer, and his hand was pushing across the top of the table to touch over Tony’s fingers, linking them together in ways that damn near shattered Tony at the welcome nearness of the touch Steve was offering.
“How do you figure?” Tony swallowed down a breath struggling to come off as being anything but broken by Steve’s new romance.
“If you wouldn’t have encouraged me to follow my heart to where it was meant to lead me, I might not have been brave enough to walk out that door and go to where he was,” Steve maintained with a soft curl of his fingers over Tony’s hand, “You gave me the strength to endure the search ahead of me. If not for your support, I don’t know if I could’ve found him again.”
“Yeah, well you’re welcome I guess,” Tony grudgingly released Steve’s fingers, instead reaching for his glass and raising it to his lips. Of course, by that point he’d been wishing it was something harder than the water he’d taken for the meal in his attempt at clinging to the newfound sobriety he’d fallen into a few weeks earlier.
“I mean it Tony,” Steve reached for his hand again, refusing to pick up on the disappointment that laced in Tony’s tone, “If it hadn’t been for the time you and I shared with one another, I don’t know if I would’ve been open to tell Bucky about my feelings considering that the last time we saw one another it wasn’t exactly proper to admit to loving your best friend like that.”
“Yeah, well, what can I say?” Tony offered up a pinched laugh refusing to accept Steve’s touch this time around, “Guess screwing my brains out was a nice segue to you coming out and accepting you can finally be free to fall in love with the boy of your dreams that was always out of your reach, so again, you’re welcome.”
“Tony…” Steve’s voice waivered just a touch as Tony pulled back further in his seat, suddenly far too uncomfortable to take what Steve was saying to him.
“I’m glad you’re happy and hey, maybe this was how it was always meant to play out,” Tony continued the speech he was certain could’ve been better rehearsed if Steve hadn’t thrown his truth bomb on him without proper time to prepare for facing his disappointment. However, knowing that he didn’t want to crash and burn in front of an audience, Tony fought to be what Steve expected him to be and played the role of the supportive friend, “I’m sure you and Bucky will be very happy together now that you live in an era where you don’t have to hide your heart.”
“Yeah, well, um you see that’s the thing,” Steve cleared his throat and looked away, opting to retreat from his attempts to reach for Tony when something shifted in his disposition. He swallowed down a breath and crossed his arms over the center of his chest before finding the courage to face Tony again, “It didn’t exactly go like I was hoping when I told Bucky how I felt.”
“What do you mean?” Tony questioned behind a blink of confusion, “You just said that…”
“That I knew he and I were meant to be together,” Steve maintained with a slight tip of his head, “but Bucky went through so much to get free from the dark places he’s been. Sure, we spent the last year working through it together and fighting through some hurdles that brought us closer to one another. It was tough, but he’s finally in a place where I think he’s ready to see what the world has to offer after he was locked away from it so long.”
“Been on ice too huh?” Tony quipped looking around the restaurant for their waiter, now suddenly desperate to upgrade from water to wine merely to find a way to quell the ache that filled his chest in forcing himself to keep discussing Steve’s new love, “Don’t worry. I’m sure when he fully thaws out, he’ll find his way to warm his heart with you at his side.”
“Not exactly,” Steve offered behind a shadow of something darker than what Tony had anticipated from a man so desperately in love, yet there was no mistaking the distress that filled his handsome features, “I mean it should’ve been like that, but what should’ve been isn’t always how things are.”
“What happened?” Tony finally found himself asking as the look on Steve’s face said it all, leaving Tony worried about the man he knew he was still crazy about even if Steve hadn’t felt the same, “What happened when you told him how you felt?”
“He said that it wasn’t real. That as much as he loves me that what I’m feeling is merely a byproduct of the time we spent together working to help him heal,” Steve went on to explain, offering up far too many details about how his childhood friendship had been one that had gotten him through some of his darkest moments, which was why he was wholly convinced that he and Bucky were meant to be together. But as it turned out after Steve and Bucky had spent one particularly grueling night together facing down what they felt for one another (as far as Tony was concerned), Bucky had bolted on the thought of any potential romantic future between them citing that he wanted to merely remain friends with Steve as that friendship meant far more than anything else that might cloud what they meant to one another.
As Steve told it, Bucky had gone on to express that they weren’t the same people they were in the past, both facing a new world of possibility where they needed to find themselves and make sense of their new purpose freed from who they once were. Bucky had been hoping for a change, wanting to sort out what little was left of the life he’d been denied and in doing so he was determined to take off for new experiences that his freedom could finally allow. Steve, on the other hand, had a life back with his new friends and Bucky had encouraged Steve to return to what he’d built for himself, hoping that Steve would find a way to reconnect with those he’d left behind while Bucky took time away to sort himself out. On the outside it sounded pretty straightforward and clear, but to Steve, who’d reached out to Tony, he was convinced it was merely another roadblock to his happily ever after in allowing Bucky to test the waters of life on the outside of what Steve was wholly convinced that they were meant to share with one another once Bucky was comfortable enough to see that Steve was always his true beacon in the storm in this new world they’d found themselves grounded in.
“Which is why I believe that you were the perfect person to help me show Bucky what this new world has to offer,” Steve cleared his throat and positioned his hand on the table to stare directly at Tony before beginning his pitch.
“Me? Why me?” Tony questioned blinking back in confusion, “I don’t know anything about the guy other than what little Howard told me about him in passing. What could I possibly do to help you with Bucky?”
“I need you to help me show him that dating someone in the here and now isn’t like what it was when we were kids. That trying to find someone special to share your life with isn’t going to be like what it was back then because we’re from a different world where even at his best with flirting, it is something Bucky isn’t entirely prepared for. He was a cad in our day sure, but he is out of his element now. Worse than I was,” Steve had tossed out at Tony in a moment of desperation.
“Okay, yeah, I can see how dating in the modern world wasn’t easy for you so it makes sense it would be hard for him too. Dating is tough in general. Worse every day it seems, but still, what does any of this have to do with me?” Tony questioned behind a hard swallow. He tugged at his collar, signaling for the waiter to keep the drinks coming for the duration of the evening now that Tony was wholly convinced that he was going to need them to get through Steve’s talk of Bucky.
“The thing is you helped me before and I know you can help me again,” Steve bit down on his bottom lip for a moment, as if he was weighing out his words somehow in his head before he flashed Tony that too-handsome-for-his-own good smile that melted Tony’s heart each and every time he threw it out in Tony’s direction.
Damn it, Tony thought to himself knowing he was out of options. Defenseless and broken now that Steve was within his reach and far too out of his grasp for his liking. Despite the words Steve was saying, Tony’s heart was still doing flipflops in his chest, his mind reeling with memories of what was and his fingers desperate to reach for the one man he’d wholly convinced himself was never meant to be his.
Yeah, sure, okay, Tony was never one to beg, but for Steve he would’ve gotten down on his knees then and there if he thought he had a chance. Would’ve pledged his loyalty from the highest rooftop in the city if Steve would only consider relinquishing his memory of his childhood crush in favor of remembering the man who’d introduced him to new kinks and pleasures beyond his youthful recognition of puppy love with Bucky Barnes. Of course, given that Steve didn’t appear to be remembering those key facts of their relationship, Tony began questioning if perhaps now would be a good time to refresh his memory. Hell, he was almost convinced he could find a way to prompt Steve to give up on his quest for his old life in favor of returning to Tony’s bed where Tony was entirely convinced with a little charm and a touch of finesse Tony could find a way to fuck the memory of Bucky out of Steve’s mind forever.
Maybe a little more liquid courage first, Tony rationalized with eyes sweeping around the restaurant.
Yes, that would be the direct approach. Bold but effective. Maybe a touch desperate, Tony rationalized as Steve continued to speak words that were lost on Tony.
There was something about a favor Steve was talking about—something about how Steve hated to ask, but he knew Tony was the only one he could turn to. The only one who could understand how desperate Steve was to find what was missing in his life. Eager to find his way to experiencing his second chance, which at that point Tony was wholly convinced Steve would find later in the night back at the tower in Tony’s bed, contorted by passion and returning to that powerful thing that they’d lost in one another with maybe a few new toys tossed in along the way for kicks if Steve was a good boy, erm, or maybe a naughty one. Either way Tony was almost confident he could make it happen…until Steve spoke the words that pulled Tony out of his hopeful haze and back to the moment discovering that his genius plans to seduce Steve were for naught.
“Tony,” Steve reached out across the table to run his index finger over the top of Tony’s hand. He began caressing Tony’s needy flesh in ways that pulled Tony out of his plotting only long enough to stare into those baby blues and imagine what it would be like to get lost in them later that night, entangled in one another until that point when Steve made his most outrageous request as of yet to Tony, “I need you to find a way to entice Bucky to fall for your charms, to be the player that you’ve been known to be, showing him exactly what this new world has to offer before he comes to his senses and…”
“Realizes that for happily ever after he needs to reconsider the friend card that he dealt to you,” Tony finished after signaling the waiter to simply bring a whole bottle of wine over for what it was going to take for Tony to unpack all of what Steve was saying to him.
“Exactly,” Steve grinned behind a nod after he had finally rolled around to making his request, inviting Tony to take part in some kind of twisted triangle by working his way into Bucky’s life in Brooklyn, that, much to Tony’s disappointment, was something Steve was very much still paying attention to, where Bucky had taken to dating other men and exploring what it meant to no longer be closeted in the world around him after life had offered him new opportunities. When he was finished Steve was reaching for his own drink and throwing it back before pushing one hand through that blonde hair that Tony used to savor against his cheek in the throes of passion between them, “Show him that men in this time aren’t looking for long term. That they are incapable of anything but heartbreak. That dating now doesn’t mean the kind of commitment it meant back then and…”
“Yes, but why me?” Tony posed the question that had been on his mind for the entirety of their conversation with one another, “Why would you think that I was the one for the job to shake up his world and bring him back to you?”
“Because you’re no stranger to keeping things impersonal when it comes to breaking someone’s heart,” Steve explained in a moment of desperate seriousness, “I know that you’ve done it far more times than you want to admit to. Even with us, I knew it was inevitable when we had what we did together.”
“I wasn’t looking to break your heart Steve,” Tony pointed out with a frown as he considered what Steve was saying to him.
“Yeah, no I get that, but I mean sex was always just fun for us. Something without strings from the start like you said in the beginning and…” Steve reminded Tony of the one line Tony had always regretted speaking when he was desperate to find his way in with Steve.
“Yeah, sure, I mean I might’ve said that when we started, but…” Tony began again struggling to find the words to convey just how far from the truth that had been for him when he’d found himself in Steve’s bed facing the possibility of something real with Captain America.
“It was a good wake up call for me. Gave me the reality check I needed to see that I was approaching things all wrong after arriving in modern times,” Steve cut in with an expression that appeared almost relieved when he spoke the words that shot a knife straight to Tony’s heart, “Let me see that love didn’t have to always be your guide to fun and…”
“No, I suppose it doesn’t, but at the same time Steve when I first said that I was only trying to open the door to…” Tony cut in hoping to find the courage to get the words out he hadn’t allowed himself to say the first time he held Steve in his arms.
“A little fun, which believe me I appreciated almost immediately even if it took me a while to see that you weren’t in it for much more than that. Not that I’m complaining, but it took a while to distance myself from sentiment when it comes to sex, but you showed me how to do that. Taught me how not to put my whole heart into something that wasn’t going anywhere in the long run,” Steve continued waving his hand around in the air as the waiter returned with Tony’s bottle in hand.
“I mean sure, yeah, I can see how you pulled that out of what we shared together, but that wasn’t exactly what I was aiming for when I suggested we…” Tony cut in again before rolling his shoulders back and staring directly at Steve in his approach.
“No, no I get that Tony. I do. Heck, it took a long time for me to understand how you operated with intimacy. I just…didn’t get it at first because I was always hoping for something more. Something that I know you weren’t capable of, and I guess it changed me along the way. Maybe even broke my heart to some degree because I came from a place where those things were meant to be more than just fun, but I learned,” Steve reached out to touch Tony’s fingers again behind a smile, “even if you shattered me a little bit with the introduction to modern times by cutting me down before I wound up over my head in the wrong direction.”
“That’s not what my intention was when we started,” Tony couldn’t help, but scowl wondering how it was that Steve had perceived their situation so wrong from the start. Still flabbergasted and at a loss, Tony did the only thing that came to mind when his wounded heart fought to keep from shattering in lashing out at Steve without a second thought, “Technically I shouldn’t be the one responsible for breaking your heart in all of this. You’re the one who ended things with us cold turkey when you decided to find yourself in the world.”
“Sure, yeah, maybe that’s in part true, but we both knew it was inevitable the moment I left, and you didn’t decide to follow,” Steve’s voice was quieter, more entrenched in whatever it was that he hadn’t found the strength to say to Tony before his retreat.
“If you would’ve asked, I would’ve come along with you,” Tony merely replied finishing off his glass of wine before the waiter brought the rest to the table in working to give Tony the out to sobriety he was looking for, “If you’d only said the word, I would’ve packed my bags and gladly left it all behind to see if maybe there was something more to our story.”
“No, you wouldn’t have and if you did you would’ve resented me for allowing you to do it,” Steve argued against Tony’s declaration while gripping at the napkin on the table beside him.
“No, I wouldn’t have,” Tony maintained remembering the hurt he’d felt when Steve had simply walked away from their relationship without a fight, “I like what we found Steve and even if you were ready to walk away, I wasn’t eager to let go like that.”
“Come on Tony. Let’s be honest here. A life with me was never what you were looking for,” Steve’s somber expression was accompanied by a heartbreaking touch of a grin that shattered Tony almost entirely all over again, “It was just about finding a way to stick it to Howard one last time for all the shitty things he did to you through the years.”
“Is that what you really believe it was?” Tony fought to contain the hurt that hearing those words from Steve had pulled out of him, “Did you really think I held you in such little regard for that to be my motivation for our time together?”
“It was a pretty good reason as far as you’re concerned, I imagine,” Steve responded clearing his throat before reaching for his own wine glass and fighting to step away from the uncomfortable conversation, “but look at it this way, my leaving was good for both of us. It freed you up to find yourself in your work and I was reunited with Bucky so…”
“So now you’re hoping that I find a way to stick it to Howard once again by sleeping with yet another one of his friends before sending him packing in a new direction?” Tony arched a speculative brow finding the very thought to be cringeworthy at best given the things that Steve had clearly believed about Tony’s prior motivation.
“You don’t actually have to sleep with Bucky. Truth be told, I would prefer you didn’t because it doesn’t need to go that far. It doesn’t have to be that complicated,” Steve was quick to maintain behind a worried expression, “I just need you to show him that dating today isn’t going to bring him closer to where he truly wants to be.”
“You mean back to you?” Tony groaned outwardly against the desire to roll his eyes at the thought.
“Well yes, but…” Steve paused when the waiter came back to the table with a heaping romantic chocolate and strawberry dessert for two and positioned it down in the center of the table, “I need this, Tony. I can’t lose him again.”
“Did it ever occur to you that if he left then maybe it wasn’t meant to be? That maybe reality is it can’t ever be what you are hoping for because now you are in two different worlds?” Tony’s words echoed his own damning thoughts now that it was painfully clear his hopes for a reunion with Steve had been dashed by Steve’s renewed hunger for his long absent best friend.
“I need to try Tony,” Steve pleaded again, making his case once more in ways that after a few too many drinks Tony was grudgingly agreeing to play along, promising to give Steve whatever he needed if it would only bring Steve to the happiness he hadn’t been able to savor in his time with the team and with Tony.
However, after a few more drinks, they came to an arrangement where if Steve promised to stick around with the team, Tony vowed he would do his best to bring Bucky around to see that Steve was his one and only. If it took Tony at his worst to make it happen, then so be it. Tony would step into the role of the playboy asshole the media (and clearly Steve) anticipated him to be and give Bucky the full deal, bringing him to a collapse right into Steve’s arms if that’s what it took to make things happen for Steve.