My High School Hogwarts Fanfiction: A Reflection

by RegularOat

Summary:

When I was in high school (17 yrs old) I posted my first Harry Potter fanfiction to ff.net. I now post that fic here - with commentary in the notes - as a project of seeing how I've improved and appreciating what I did right. This will likely be a deeply cringe-inducing experience for me, so I would greatly appreciate as much encouragement as you are willing to give.

Original Title: Lessons In Getting What You Want
Summary: Oswin Mielbois is a wealthy girl in a long line of witches and wizards who has long been passionate about magical study. In her first year at Hogwarts, bonds will be formed and trust will be built, but when Oswin takes her studies a step too far, will there be anyone left for her to trust? What is she willing to do to get what she wants?

Chapter 1: Prats and Preparations

Notes:

Starting off on an immediate high, I love the chapter title convention I used for this fic. I'm a sucker for alliteration.

Also, I like the premise! I thought that I would immediately find the whole concept embarrassing, but I actually really like the idea of a fanfiction from the perspective of 1. a pureblood and 2. one of Draco's childhood "friends". I think it provides an opportunity to get a closer look at pureblood politics.

Oswin POV (yes, we get a Draco POV later. yes, I am very afraid)

Oswin Magnolia Mielbois had known Draco for as long she could remember. Her family ran an enchanted produce farm and their parents did business together and attended the same rich people gatherings (which they were inevitably dragged to). Oswin didn't much care for Draco, but their parents insisted they be friends. Oswin suspected that this was backed by business interests more so than genuine fondness of the family. In fact, she could tell that her mother's friendly greetings and cheery smiles were simply a ruse to hide her distaste for the Malfoys. Nevertheless, her mother was ever the peacekeeper and did her best to be as kind and trusting towards her business partners as physically possible. This is why Oswin found herself, as unlucky people often find themselves, in an uncomfortable social situation with two of the most annoying people on Earth as her mother went off to do errands.

Oswin was shopping for school supplies with Draco and her older sister, Monique. They were walking down Diagon Alley mostly in awkward silence, each of them obviously wished they were somewhere else. Oswin was being drowned by the awkwardness of the situation, Monique was beyond irritated about her apparent role as babysitter, and Draco couldn't stand either of them. After they purchased their books and equipment, Monique was finally the one to speak up.

"Why don't we just split up and then meet at Fortescue's in like an hour?" There were grumbles of agreement at the rather obvious suggestion and, just like that, the three had zipped off in opposite directions.

Having already acquired her robes on an earlier date, all Oswin had left on her list were potion ingredients and her wand. She would have to wait to buy her wand though, as her parents wanted to be there when she got it. They were sweet like that and, although Monique grumbled at the annoyance, it was one of the things Oswin loved about them. She found it exciting that, in just two more years, it would be her brother, Caleb, starting at Hogwarts. Then, another seven years after that, it would be her little sister, Basil. It struck her that her baby sister would not get to go to school with any of her siblings. Whether that was a good or bad thing, she supposed, was up for debate.

Upon arriving at the apothecary, Oswin's spirits immediately began lifting. There was something exciting about potion-making that made her skin tingle. As she walked through the door she could almost feel the potential in the room; she felt empowered by that potential. Bundles and jars of ingredients lined the long shelves and Oswin picked out several of her personal favourites. Technically, she only needed to bring basic potion ingredients, but she was able to convince her mother that she would find a wider array of ingredients crucial to understanding the assignments. This argument worked fairly easily. After all, shouldn't she do all she could to aid poor, average achieving Oswin in her studies?

Oswin arrived at the ice cream parlour first. This was to be expected as Draco still needed his robe and Monique was probably hanging out with her third-year friends. Approximately fifteen minutes later, Monique showed up carrying several bags of trinkets. Draco never came back, so they just assumed he had found his father wherever he was.

As Oswin and Monique waited for their mother to return, they got in line to buy ice cream. After they retrieved their ice creams, the awkward atmosphere from before dissolved into a relaxed banter, with some light hearted bickering sprinkled in. The tension brought about by the afternoon summer sun was melting faster than their ice creams. They had finished their ice creams by the time their mother came to get them.

"Hey, how'd it go?" She asked as she walked up to the pair of sisters, "Where'd Malfoy go?"

"Oh," Monique said flatly, "he left."

Their mother hummed disapprovingly, but simply said, "Well, he's probably off with his father." She then turned to Oswin and said with motherly excitement, "Oh, it's time to go get wand… are you ready?"

Notes:

Most obvious critique first: show don't tell. It's so funny to me that you can swear up and down that you understand "show don't tell" and still write a chapter like this. The explanation about the Mielbois' relationship with the Malfoy, the reasons that Oswin is shopping with Draco, Oswin's and her sister's feelings about her parents and so much more could have been revealed through dialogue. An especially egregious example is when I simply state that Oswin and her sister share witty banter. I definitely struggled a lot with dialogue in general and I expect that will be a recurring theme going forward. I was still having a hard time with it when I started writing Saving Draco Malfoy, but I'm happy to report that it's much more natural for me now.

I think largely as an outgrowth of constant telling, the pacing is pretty bad. You probably noticed that a whole lot of nothing happened in this chapter. It manages to be both too fast paced (in the sense that I'm rushing through scenes that should be more fleshed out) and too slow paced (in the sense that characters are pretty much just walking around and not engaging in any kind of conflict). Based on a particular review I got that still runs through my head over half a decade later, this is going to be a fic-long standard.

Something I do like is the characterization of Oswin and her sister. Despite the poor dialogue, I think the sisters' personalities come through pretty well. In particular, Monique's disdain for having to deal with younger kids while still loving her sister and the way Oswin's passion for learning is tainted by the resentment she has for her higher achieving older sibling, hinted at in the phrase "poor, average achieving Oswin". Perhaps unsurprisingly, their dynamic is based on my real life relationship with my own older sibling. In fact, the four Oswin siblings have the same age difference and first initials as me and my siblings. I wouldn't say this story is a self-insert exactly (Oswin's personality is and was intended to be very different from my own) but a lot of the relationship stuff is very much a reflection of my life.

I also enjoy some of the prose. Specifically, I like the phrase "as unlucky people often find themselves" and the description of the potion shop was fairly pleasant.