Chapter Text
Lottie sees Natalie the second she walks into the party.
She sticks out like a sore thumb in Lottie’s parents foyer.
Her black, ripped clothes and fluffy bleach blonde hair at the top of her head is such stark contrast to the sterile wealthy interior decor that adores the Matthew’s house. From her rugged boots digging into the thousand dollar carpet, to the heavy smoky eyeliner against pale freckled skin.
“Nat. You made it. “ Lottie’s surprise is evident in her voice as she wobbles forward, drink in one hand and a cigarette in the other. Her eyebrows shoot up her head, dramatic facial expressions sponsored by the four drinks already in her system.
Natalie shoots her a smug grin as Lottie stumbles towards her in heels that make her look far less graceful than her usual self.
“Hey, Princess. “ Natalie answers. Despite the noise of a dozen teenage girls singing (screaming) out the chorus of Alanis Morissette’s ‘Ironic’ down the hall – Lottie can still pick up the low rasp of Natalie’s voice.
“I thought you’d be with Travis. “ Lottie says, taking a long gulp from the unidentified liquor in the solo cup in her hand, wincing in reaction to the taste of vodka and Nat’s boyfriend’s name in her mouth.
“Yeah, so did I. “ Natalie’s grin turns into a scowl as she reaches for the cigarette in Lottie’s other hand and brings it to her own mouth. “But he’s being a fuckin’ dick so.. “
Lottie doesn’t know what to say to that. She never does.
Not that it matters. Natalie is still gonna make up with Travis tomorrow and they’ll be back to usual, all forgotten and swept under the rug until another few weeks when Natalie once again comes knocking at Lottie’s door step with the same scowl and Lottie, like always, will be just as happy to let her in.
Because having Natalie every once in a while is better than not having her at all.
It doesn’t take them long to slip away from the buzz of the party downstairs and find themselves bundled up in Lottie’s room in the position that’s gotten more comfortable for every time they’ve found themselves in it.
With either of them pressed up against silk sheets that won’t wrinkle, leaving kisses on thick skin that won’t mark, and whisper things into the night that will never see the light of day.
In the morning Lottie will wonder if last night had even happened at all.
Until another week passes, another incident, another fight, another break up, and Natalie has nowhere else to go but to come crawling back to her.
And Lottie will always be there with open legs, open arms and an open heart.
She knows it’s going to hurt to wake up in the morning and question what’s real and what isn’t. It’s going to hurt to walk back into school on Monday and see Travis with his arms around her, and that goofy grin of his that for some reason seems to make Natalie laugh in a way Lottie has never managed to.
It hurts having to accept the fact that as long as Natalie is with Travis, then at least that means Natalie is not at her parents’ home and that means she is safe.
And that’s probably what hurts the most.
Knowing that Lottie is not the one keeping her safe, but that Travis is.
Travis is not necessarily a bad guy. Lottie doesn’t have any explicit reason to dislike him apart from the fact that he’s a tool in the way most guys their age are.
He doesn’t cause Nat physical harm in the way that Nat’s family ever has.
That’s why Lottie’s giving him the benefit of the doubt. He’s just another moron that Natalie seems to deem a good enough distraction from her home life. Which Lottie can’t really argue.
It’s better this way anyway.
Natalie already has too much experience of people only using her when they need something from her. And while Lottie knows she is far from being put in that category herself, she refuses to give any reason that might cause Nat to re-consider Lottie’s intentions for taking her in.
So Lottie is happy to indulge in any crumbs she can get. As long as Natalie is safe and keeps coming back to her like she always does – that’s all that matters.
Lottie can live with a broken heart if it means saving Natalie from broken bones.
The start of senior year has been kicking all of the Yellowjackets asses lately.
November is Lottie’s least favorite month of the year because the days start to get darker and colder and that means spending more time pent up in the isolation of her house.
The only positive note is that soccer is a fall sport and that gives her more time out of the house on the days she has practice or games.
Spending more time with the Yellowjackets also allows her to pick up on new developments within the dynamics of the team.
For example, she’s not sure when Van and Tai started hooking up because she has no memory of them ever being so friendly last semester.
They’re not being obvious by any means, just a lot of lingering glances, touches that could pass for friendly if it wasn’t for the hungry look in their eyes that suggested it was anything but.
No one else seems to have picked up on this new development so Lottie assumes they’re keeping it a secret.
It’s none of her business anyway.
Jackie and Shauna seem to be fighting again, scowling at each other the second the other enters the room, rolling their eyes at the other’s remarks and generally appearing to absolutely loathe each other in a way Lottie can never wrap her head around.
They somehow make it everyone’s business.
So Lottie does her best to lay low and avoid any impending conflict that might occur when Shauna’s in a bad mood and Jackie is not there to stop her.
She ties her cleats, gets out on the field and tries to avoid the fact that a certain bleach blonde is missing, which becomes increasingly harder when Jackie points this out and Taissa makes an unnecessary remark that makes Lottie clench her jaw in anger.
”I think she had a thing. ” Lottie mumbles as she passes the ball to Laura Lee. Taissa scoffs, crossing her arms over her chest.
”A thing?”
”Yeah, a thing. ” Lottie snaps. ”Drop it. ”
Tai rolls her eyes before turning around and getting back to the exercise.
Lottie isn’t usually the type of person to lose her temper.
Granted, she can thank the mood stabilizers running through her system for that.
But this certain quality of hers certainly does come in handy, being part of a soccer team that consists of teenage girls with raging hormones and mood swings.
Most of the time Lottie can fly under the radar, checking in every now and then to break up a fight, using her towering height as a leverage to claim dominance and people generally seem to respect and listen to her.
She mainly uses this privilege of hers whenever somebody is saying stuff about Natalie and she is not there to defend herself.
Nat is too big for a place like Wiskayok; too brave to spend her time sucking up to losers who have had their lives handed on a silver platter. She’s also the perfect victim for relentless teasing by those from a higher social hierarchy than her.
When Natalie first joined their team, Lottie was surprised by her for a number of reasons.
The first one being that she didn’t look like an athlete. (She was wearing a leopard print tank top and Chuck Taylor’s for tryouts). The second one being that she was absolutely ruthless out on that field.
Lottie could only imagine where that type of fire stemmed from.
So she spent the following years trying to get to know her. Trying to disarm the pent up ammunition of sharp edges that you would prick yourself on if you got too close.
And for each time Lottie thought she had peeled off one layer to unravel, another one seemed to hide right below it. Natalie Scatorccio was an endless maze.
Lottie really didn’t stand a chance.
Turns out that Nat’s thing is skipping practice to smoke weed with Travis by the parking lot because after practice is done and Lottie is the first one to leave, she sees them in the front seat of Travis’ car at the far end of the parking lot.
Lottie mentally scolds herself for showing up late to school today, meaning all the good spots were taken so she was forced to get the only open one at the very back – same row as the one they’re currently parked on.
There’s no way she’s making it back to her car without them spotting her.
Still, she holds her breath and tries to take as long strides as she possibly can without raising any suspicion and just as she’s about to unlock her car she hears a familiar voice call out her name.
She thinks if she ignores it she can pretend she didn’t hear it and maybe get in her car and get the hell out of there.
But Natalie is oddly persistent when she’s high and continues to call out Lottie’s name until it catches the attention of a few onlookers, leaving Lottie with no choice but to acknowledge her.
She swiftly turns to find Natalie jogging up to her, pupils blown wide and a big grin on her face that make the dimples on her cheeks pop.
”Hey. ” Nat says, slowing down to a full stop and shoving her fists into the pockets of her leather jacket.
”Hi. ” Lottie answers quietly as she moves the strap of the duffel bag from one side of her shoulder to the other.
She contemplates if she should say what’s on her mind or not, but it’s silent for so long it starts to get awkward so she decides to say it anyway: ”You missed practice. ”
Natalie grimaces.
”Yeah, sorry. I promised Travis I’d help him get a —”
”It’s fine. ” Lottie interrupts, shaking her head.
She doesn’t want to hear it anyway.
Instead, she looks past the shorter girl and spots Travis sitting in the driver’s seat of his car, waving awkwardly as he takes a drag from a joint.
Lottie raises her palm and mirrors his awkward wave for a second before dropping it again.
”I’ll see you around, Nat. ” she says and turns around before the other girl can get a word in.
”Hey, wait!” Natalie calls out after her, grabbing her arm and releasing it just as quickly when Lottie looks at her. ”Are you like, are you mad at me?”
The way Natalie is standing, tilting her body weight on one leg before the other and scrunching her nose like that makes her look younger and unsure of herself.
Whatever frail irritability Lottie may have carried with her walking over the parking lot seems to have evaporated into thin air because she can’t help but feel a pang of guilt in her chest for causing Nat to retreat into herself.
”No, I’m not mad at you, Nat. ” Lottie answers finally, honestly.
It takes Natalie a second or two before she decides to trust her and nods sheepishly. She scratches her forehead and it makes her bangs get all messy but she doesn’t seem to care.
Lottie watches her go back to Travis.
Lottie knew she was doomed from the start.
She knew it the second she set her eyes on the blonde girl on that soccer field three years ago and her tiny frame was somehow still able to block Lottie’s perfected foot work and have her tumbling to the ground.
She knew from the moment their eyes locked across Jackie Taylor’s house party in sophomore year that Lottie would end up pinned under Natalie asking her, begging her for release and Natalie would be the only one able to grant it to her.
She knew it the following week when Natalie showed up to school drunk out of her mind and dried blood on her knuckles, that there was no way of getting out of here for either of them without any bruises.
Sometimes Lottie wishes Natalie would leave her a hickey. She’s heard Jackie say that love bites are the types of bruises that don’t hurt.
Lottie wouldn’t know. The only time she ever left one herself, Natalie got upset because she was scared Travis would see it and find out.
And like with many other instances with Travis, he didn’t think anything of it.
He doesn’t ask where Natalie’s gone when she sneaks back inside the Martinez’s household in the middle of the night. He doesn’t wonder where she goes every time they break up and there’s no home of her own for her to go back to.
He doesn’t know that every time he crumbles down the last couple of pieces of Natalie Scatorccio’s heart, Lottie is always there to glue her back together.
So when Natalie knocks on her door in the middle of the night on the day before their mid term is due, Lottie knows she can forget about any chance she might have at getting any sleep tonight.
The hollow look in Natalie’s eyes and the bags beneath them, tells Lottie where Natalie has been before Lottie even has to ask.
She just lets her in and gets a bath running while Natalie undresses in the bedroom. Once the water is sufficiently warm and ready, Lottie comes back to get her.
When Natalie steps into the bright light inside the bathroom and the new bruises on her rib cage become visible, Lottie swallows the lump in her throat.
She breathes through her nose, remembering the breathing exercise Dr. McKenzie told her about to regulate her nervous system. She exhales through her nose and repeats the same pattern until Natalie’s feet are in the water and her bare body sinks under the water.
Lottie can feel her eyes starting to water. She needs to leave.
But then the rasp of Natalie’s voice calls out her name and it’s so small and terrified, Lottie almost cracks at the spot.
Instead, she tells Natalie she’ll be right back. She waits for the nod of approval before she rushes out to the kitchen.
She doesn’t hear the sound of the kettle ringing because she’s too caught up on regulating her breathing, desperately trying to dry away the tears staining her face with the silk fabric of her pajamas. The stains have made the light pastel fabric of the sleeve turn to a deep shade of pink.
She picks out the decaf jasmine tea that’s supposedly good for sleeping judging by the cartoon moon on the packaging.
Something tells her it’s not as efficient when the love of your life shows up on your doorstep and breaks your heart in the middle of the night.
When she comes back to the bathroom Natalie is sitting curled up with her knees to her chest. She looks tiny in that ridiculously large jacuzzi in Lottie’s en suite bathroom, with her wet hair pulled behind her face to expose the blank stare in her eyes.
Lottie isn’t sure Natalie has noticed her presence until she gets down on her knees beside the tub and places the mug at the small table next to it. She lowers her elbow to the side of the bath tub and rests her face in her hand, waiting for Natalie to acknowledge her.
When she does, her eyes are stoic. Sitting so close to her face, Lottie can see Natalie’s wet eyelashes sticking together. She doesn’t know if it’s from tears or the water. She wants to drag her tongue along them to taste the answer.
Instead, she pours some shampoo in her hand, the floral kind that Natalie likes and tangles her fingers in the wet hair, massaging her scalp until Natalie’s eyeslids finally drop. When her shoulders eventually relax and her body becomes less tense she tilts her head back and lets Lottie wash off the remains.
She does the same process for the conditioner, feeling Natalie’s head relax in her hands and watching her eyelashes flutter as the water washes over her, and her freckles become more visible for each time the water falls over her face.
When the water has run cold, and Natalie’s skin is starting to prickle, Lottie helps her get out of the bathtub and wraps a towel around her. She can feel the water dripping down Natalie’s legs, and dropping onto Lottie’s exposed feet on the floor as she engulfs the shorter girl in her arms.
Natalie’s forehead is pressed against Lottie’s sternum. Lottie can feel where Nat’s head meets her chest, the fabric is soaking through to Lottie’s skin and she does nothing to stop it from spreading. She just drags her hands over the towel, patting Natalie’s body dry, before she picks up another towel to apply a similar procedure to her hair.
Lottie can see Natalie wants to thank her. She wishes Natalie didn’t.
So she places a soft skin to her forehead, and sends her off to the bedroom while Lottie drains the bathtub and cleans up the towels off the floor for Martha. She knows Martha’s getting older and her back gets worse by having to bend down.
When Lottie comes back into the bedroom, Nat is already in bed, curled up in a fetal position on her designated side. (The side that’s away from the door because Natalie can’t sleep if there’s a risk someone might come barging through the door in the middle of the night.)
Though that would never happen here. Because there are no violent (or non-violent) parents around and Martha always makes sure to knock.
When Lottie climbs into bed, Natalie is drawn to her like a moth to a flame. She snuggles into her chest and Lottie lies still to allow Natalie to get comfortable ontop of her.
“Sorry, do you.. “ Natalie rasps out in the darkness. “Can you take off your pajamas?”
Lottie scrunches her eyebrows in confusion because the words don’t match the innocent tone of her voice. Natalie seems to pick up in this as well because she stirs under the covers and props herself up on her elbow.
“I just.. I wanna feel your skin. “ Natalie explains in barely a whisper. Her voice is smaller this time. More cautious and laced with less confidence.
When Lottie takes off her clothes and their bodies are pressed up against each other with nothing between them, she can feel Natalie’s tense limbs finally start to relax and grow heavy against her.
Even though Lottie is used to the smell of her own shampoo it still smells different on Natalie when it’s pressed up against her nose.
Lying still against each other under the thick duvet makes Lottie’s skin feel clammy on the places where they’re touching.
Natalie’s body is all warmed up from the bath and it’s making Lottie sweaty but the way Natalie is holding onto her, as if she’s scared she’s gonna go away makes Lottie stay put.
“I didn’t mean to go back there. Me and Travis got into a fight so I had to go home and get some stuff to– “ Natalie speaks into the empty darkness of Lottie’s bedroom.
“You don’t have to explain yourself to me, Nat. “ Lottie interrupts her softly. She draws smooth circles with her fingers where her hand is resting against Natalie’s waist. “But I’m glad you came here. “
Natalie doesn’t respond. She just nuzzles her face further into where Lottie’s neck meets her shoulder and brushes her lips against Lottie’s collarbone.
Lottie hates that it makes her shiver. Hates how Nat can feel her body reacting to her proximity despite the reason they’re in this position in the first place.
But Natalie doesn’t say anything.
“Where is Travis tonight?” Lottie asks. She regrets it the moment she’s said it.
She feels Natalie’s body stiffen, but she remains in the same position.
“I didn’t wanna see him. “ she answers finally, the hot breath of her voice hitting Lottie’s bare chest under the covers. “I wanted to see you. “
It’s not a confession. Not quite. But it’s an acknowledgement.
And that’s enough for now.
The following morning they get into a fight because Natalie has more stuff to pick up at her parents’ place and thinks of taking the risk because there’s a possibility they might not be awake yet. She’s being a stubborn bitch and calls Lottie all kinds of things because Lottie won’t let her go.
Ten minutes later Lottie’s driving them over to the trailer park because Lottie’s a stubborn bitch too and refuses to let Natalie go there on her own.
Turns out Natalie’s gut feeling was right for once because she manages to sneak in and back out within five minutes. Only on her way out, she’s carrying a beat up duffel bag on her shoulder.
Lottie almost loses her temper and lashes out when Natalie unzips the bag and takes out a Smashing Pumpkins CD, which she for some reason deems important enough to put her life in danger for.
“No, you don’t get it. This is like one of the best fuckin’ records ever made. “ Natalie tries to explain as she slides the CD into the stereo.
For the second time in the past 6 hours, Lottie internally thanks Dr. McKenzie for the breathing exercises as she counts to five and exhales through her nose. She clenches her fists so hard around the steering wheel, it looks like her veins are about to pop out of her skin at any second.
When they slide into the parking lot in one of the only spots left Lottie tries to work up the courage to ask Natalie about what her plan is. But there isn’t really much room for the question to exist because the moment Lottie turns off the ignition, a knock on the side of the passenger window interrupts them.
For the first time since Lottie upped her meds two years ago she wants to slap that puppy dog look off of Travis’ face when he comes up to Natalie with his tail between his legs once again.
So she swallows her words and thinks of Dr. McKenzie.
Inhale. 1,2,3,4,5. Exhale.
A couple of days later the Yellowjackets are huddled up in the cafeteria on their weekly team lunch. It’s Jackie’s orders because she thinks it is important that the team gets bonding time outside of the field and since there are juniors playing with them this year it allows them to bond since they don’t spend any classes together.
Lottie spends most of her lunches with Laura Lee, Van, Tai, Shauna and Jackie anyway since they share most classes together so it doesn’t really make much of a difference.
The only thing that sticks out during these lunches is that Nat sometimes joins them. Lottie doesn’t really know where she usually spends most of her time between classes. She assumes she’s either with Kevin or Travis and his friends or something. Either way, they don’t really cross paths in the cafeteria unless it’s a Tuesday and a designated team lunch.
Today however, Natalie has decided to join them, much to Lottie’s delight. Taissa however, is not as pleased and she makes it known from the second Nat sits down on the empty seat beside Lottie.
“Natalie, how nice of you to fit us into your schedule. “ Taissa says, thick sarcasm dripping from her words. Natalie just rolls her eyes and shrugs off her jacket.
“What? They didn’t have an AA meeting under the bleachers today?” Taissa continues, raising an eyebrow. It’s obvious she wants to get a reaction out of Natalie, for no reason other than the fact that she enjoys getting her riled up.
“Jesus, Tai. What crawled up your ass?” Lottie remarks and scrunches her eyebrows. “Eat your greens and fuck off, will you?”
The lack of reaction from Natalie seems to be enough of a reason for Taissa to not continue her taunting so she rolls her eyes and retreats to minding her own business for once.
The awkward silence is interrupted by Jackie calling out Lottie’s name on the other side of Natalie. Lottie tears her attention away from her tray to follow the sound and finds Jackie motioning to some guy standing behind her.
“Lottie, this is Scotty, Jeff’s friend. “ Jackie says, her big eyes matching the huge grin on her face. Lottie blinks.
She recognizes the guy from the baseball team from the one time Jackie dragged some of the girls with her to watch a game to support Jeff but they sucked so badly they came last in the entire league.
At least she thinks it’s him. Most of the boys on that team look the same to her.
“Um, hi?” Lottie says, clear confusion evident in her voice as to why this stranger is looking at her with a big grin on his face.
It also seems rude to talk over Natalie’s head as if she’s invisible despite sitting literally right between them, though Lottie’s not precisely sure why the conversation is taking place in the first place.
Scotty takes a step forward until he’s standing right behind Natalie, who is busy eating her lunch and blissfully unaware (or so Lottie thinks) of the interaction taking place right behind her.
Lottie wants to sink under the floor because she can feel the rest of the Yellowjackets watching this interaction and it becomes more clear on what the boy’s purpose of his sudden presence at their table is.
When Scotty asks her out, Lottie is caught off for a number of reasons.
The first one being that she finds it incredibly forward to ask someone out who you’ve never even talked to before.
The second one is that he’s doing it in front of her entire team.
The third reason is that Natalie is sitting two feet away from her with full access to this entire conversation.
And the fourth reason is that she wants to say no but she can’t think of a single way to let him down that wouldn’t cause him public humiliation and Lottie has never been cruel.
Which is how she accidentally ends up giving her phone number to some guy she has absolutely zero interest in talking on the phone with.
The second he leaves, the girls are on her about what just happened, squealing about how cute that was and how hot he is.
All Lottie can think of is how all the color seems to have drained off of Natalie’s face and how she’s stuffing baby carrots into her mouth one after one.
Lottie knows Nat hates baby carrots.
Lottie never planned on actually going out with Scotty.
She figured if she gave him her number she could just not pick up and it would fade away eventually.
However, when she gets home she receives a call from her father, telling her that both of her parents will be home this weekend to finalize some business.
On Saturday they have a game which will buy her some time out of the house but Friday is still an empty slot.
Lottie tries calling every single person she can think of to make plans for Friday night but they all already have plans. So when Scotty calls her on Wednesday night she really doesn’t have a choice.
She doesn’t see much of Natalie around for the rest of the week. Sure, they pass each other in the hallway and she comes to class on some days but she skips practice and doesn’t make any attempt at engaging in any interaction with Lottie.
It’s not necessarily surprising. They don’t really talk a whole lot during school anyway because they mostly run in different circles, but Lottie can’t shake the feeling in her gut that something is off. Not in the way it usually is.
Things seem to be fine with Travis. Lottie sees them hanging out by the parking lot, sees Travis shove his hand down Natalie’s back pocket in the hallway and watches Nat come into class wearing his hoodie. So they’re still on.
Lottie wonders why it feels like Natalie is avoiding her. It’s probably in her head anyway.
It usually is.
The date with Scotty is not terrible.
It just starts off weird.
Because from the moment he picks her up and Lottie’s mom opens the door, she can’t help but notice how big of a lie she has accidentally orchestrated, on all ends.
Scotty gets the impression that Lottie is a normal girl with normal parents, and her parents get the impression that Lottie is a normal girl who is into normal boys.
The irony of it almost makes her laugh.
But she goes on the date with Scotty. She lets him open the doors for her and laughs at his jokes and talks when it's expected of her just like she has been taught to.
It’s not exactly her first date.
In freshman year Lottie did ask Laura Lee out to dinner and a movie. However, she later found out that was just a thing girls did together and Laura Lee did in fact not know it was a date.
So she’s not that one counts.
She’s not sure this one does either if she’s honest. Since she’s pretty sure she’s a lesbian anyway.
But Scotty is nice. He doesn’t try to feel her up or say anything that might make her uncomfortable. At one point during the evening she even finds herself genuinely enjoying herself.
Though she’s pretty sure that has less to do with the company, and more so to do with the fact that it’s keeping her away from spending time with her parents.
When he drops her off at her house he kisses her cheek and Lottie forces a smile before she walks inside.
Her parents must have gone to bed because the lights are out and Martha has gone home already.
It feels weird sneaking inside her own house. She’s so used to being on her own, that it occurs to her that this is what it must feel like for normal teenagers who have present parents.
She’s not too thrilled about it.
The following morning she gets up far earlier than necessary so she can have breakfast by herself before her parents wake up. Martha hasn’t even arrived yet so Lottie has to remind herself to take her meds before she leaves.
Uniform, check. Breakfast, check. Daily dose of anti psychotics, check.
She arrives at the field an hour early. There’s not really much to do besides start warming up and wait for the rest of the team to arrive.
Jackie is the first one to get there, cheerful as ever, with a scowling Shauna in tow. She’s never been a morning person.
Lottie finds it endearing how opposite they are. However, she has also seen the downside of it which is precisely why she doesn’t trust her own current judgement.
The rest of the team arrive eventually one after the other.
Lottie notices Natalie the second she gets there. Of course she does.
But she’s surprised to see Travis is not the one who drops her off.
Van is. With Taissa in tow nonetheless.
The confusion must be apparent on Lottie’s face, because Van chuckles in acknowledgement and shoves her shoulder softly as she slips past her inside the locker room.
Lottie is so flabbergasted at seeing Natalie and Taissa walking in together that she forgets to respond when they both greet her good morning before following Van inside.
It takes her a few more seconds to wrap her head around Natalie and Taissa’s newfound friendship before she finally manages to break out of her trance and heads into the locker room with the rest of the team.
Van must be really rubbing off on Tai – because since when does Taissa stand to be around Natalie Scatorccio?
It doesn’t take long until Lottie is back in the locker room and she’s being cornered by Jackie about her date last night because apparently boys talk too, especially to Jeff and thus Jackie.
Lottie tries to keep her voice as quiet as possible which is hard when there are a dozen of high pitched voices talking and squealing around them and she doesn’t want anyone to hear about the accidental date she found herself in.
But a girls soccer team is bound to have some bad seeds, meaning the type of girls who can’t read social cues at all. Exhibit A – Mari Ibarra.
“Come on, Lottie! Spill, did you guys hook up?”
Lottie cringes visibly as she tugs her jersey over her head. She avoids the lingering stare of Natalie’s eyes across from her on the other side of the locker room.
“What? No. “ she sputters out, scrunching her eyebrows at Mari’s accusing grin.
“Come on, seriously? He didn’t feel you up in his dad’s corvette?” Mari continues, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.
Lottie looks at her blankly.
“No, Mari. That was just you. “
A round of laughter echoes through the locker room and Mari just rolls her eyes and starts to undress. Lottie is grateful for the attention being drawn away from her.
She even feels the heavy lump in her gut being released from her body when she catches Natalie chuckling across the room as if she’s in on a secret nobody else is.
Lottie wonders what it is.
They win the game and decide to celebrate at Jackie’s house later that evening.
After a torturous 2 hour mandatory dinner with her parents at one of the few high end restaurants in Wiskayok, she’s finally free to go. The second they arrive back at the house she rushes into her bedroom and slips out of the stiff designer dress her mother forced her to put on.
She opts for a more comfortable attire since there will most likely only be her team mates joining, meaning it’s more likely a slumber party rather than a party.
She’s one of the first people to arrive, save for Shauna who’s spent the night and will most likely spend the following night too.
Lottie pretends she doesn’t see them through the kitchen window, way up in each other’s personal space than what might usually pass as friendly.
She wonders if they too are sneaking around.
She decides she doesn’t want to know.
What she does want to know however is why, for the second time of the day, she’s getting whiplash from seeing Natalie stumble out of Van’s car with the redhead and Taissa Turner.
She let it slide earlier because she needed to get her head in the game, but seeing the trio for the second time in the span of 12 hours is enough to raise suspicion.
Lottie knows Natalie is friends with Van. She knows that they go way back, having grown up in a similar area and attending the same middle school. What she also happens to know however, is that Taissa Turner has made her distaste for Natalie Scatorccio abundantly clear for years. And Lottie wonders what has caused the sudden 180.
When Jackie orders pizza and asks what toppings they want, Natalie has already left to go to the bathroom. Lottie says pepperoni just in case.
Jackie pops open a bottle of wine and pours up six glasses of red wine that taste like it should be taken with something far different than Domino’s but neither of them complain.
Lottie has eaten already anyway.
When they settle down in the living room it doesn’t take too long to figure out their seating arrangement.
No eyebrows are raised and no questions are spoken when Shauna and Jackie slide into a love seat and leave one side of the empty couch to Van and Tai, and the other side to Nat and Lottie.
”Here!” Van calls out and drops a pizza box in Lottie’s lap, which Lottie opens up to share with the blonde beside her.
”Oh my God!” Jackie moans dramatically, rolling her eyes into the back of her head. ”This one is so good, you guys. Lottie, you gotta try this. ”
Lottie peeks at the pizza in her hand and scrunches her nose. ”No, sorry. I don’t like the texture of pepperoni. ”
Jackie shrugs. “More for me then. “
But then Lottie feels Shauna’s lingering eyes on her.
Her eyes drift to the pizza box in Lottie’s lap, back up to her face before bouncing off to Natalie who is stuffing her mouth full of a slice as she’s talking animatedly to Van about something Lottie doesn’t pick up on.
Then Shauna’s eyebrows shoot so far up her forehead it almost looks cartoonish and Lottie can almost feel her stomach turning in and out of itself as she sees her puzzle the pieces together in her mind, jaw dropping and eyes nearly bulging out of her head.
She chokes and sputters on her pizza and Jackie pats on her back as Shauna chugs on a bottle of Coke.
Thankfully her vivid reaction tears the attention away from Lottie, whose face is flushing so hard she can feel the heat radiating from her neck and cheeks despite the chill in the room.
”You okay, Shipman?” Van asks, looking at her curiously. Shauna nods between coughs and waves her off dismissively.
”Yeah, yeah. I’m fine. Thanks. ”
When Van’s attention is turned away from Natalie, Lottie feels her brush her knee against hers.
”What’s going on?” Natalie asks her quietly, curious eyes peeking out from the messy bangs hanging over her forehead.
She’s not wearing any make up, Lottie notices. It makes her freckles stand out and her eyes look brighter. It also makes Lottie’s chest buzz pleasantly.
She decides to play it cool.
She shrugs.
When their stomachs are sufficiently stuffed, Jackie whips out another bottle from the wine rack along with three VHS tapes from the video store to choose from.
They outvote Jackie’s request to watch Seven because she thinks Brad Pitt is hot, and no one is in a horror mood anyway so Silence of the Lambs is a no go.
They end up going with Dead Poet Society because Shauna is a sucker for poetry, and Jackie is a sucker for Shauna so she grants her wishes like she usually does.
It doesn’t take long for any of them to gravitate to the person beside them. Shauna and Jackie are huddled up with their limbs tangled together, and Taissa is resting against Van’s chest.
Under the guise of female friendship no one bats an eyelash when Lottie wraps her arm around Natalie and the smaller girl curls up beside her like a baby koala.
They’re just girls being girls. Obviously.
Lottie doesn’t know at what point during the movie she dozes off. She just knows that when she wakes up, Van is snoring loudly on the other side of the couch and Shauna is playing with a sleeping Jackie’s hair, mumbling something in her ear that stirs her awake.
Lottie’s arm has gone numb and she can see a tiny bit of drool running down the corner of Natalie’s mouth. A sudden kick of Van’s foot on Nat’s leg jolts her awake and Lottie can’t help but smile at the adorable scrunch in Natalie’s face as she stirs. Lottie reaches her hand out before she can stop herself and wipes off the tiny speck of saliva dripping down her chin.
Nat blinks, looking like a deer caught in headlights. A faint blush washes over her pale cheeks and Lottie wants to kiss her senseless.
”We’re going to bed. ” Jackie announces, voice groggy with sleep. ”Guestrooms are ready if you wanna stay over. ”
The question goes unanswered. It’s already clear that they’re all spending the night here.
Jackie and Shauna leave for Jackie’s bedroom and Tai and Van follow them up the stairs to the guest room on the second floor.
Natalie and Lottie remain on the couch in the same position they were left in. The static noise of the TV buzzes quietly in the background. It’s the only light left, besides the light from the backyard shining in through the windows.
”I’m glad you came tonight. ” Lottie says finally. Natalie peeks up at her voice, shifting and turning until she’s sitting up so they’re facing each other.
”Yeah?”
”Yeah. ”
Natalie raises her hand to the side of Lottie’s jaw. And for a second Lottie thinks she’s gonna caress her, until drops it in her lap instead.
”What’s going on with you and Taissa?” Lottie asks curiously.
Natalie perches an eyebrow and a teasing glint sparks in her eyes. ”What’s going on with you and Scotty?” she asks accusingly, a soft yet teasing taunt hiding in the low rasp of her voice.
Lottie rolls her eyes and lets out a laugh at the implication of Natalie’s words. ”Probably not whatever is going on between you and Tai. ”
Natalie grins, but it’s soft and doesn’t quite reach her eyes. Lottie notices.
”I didn’t mean to go out with him. ” Lottie says finally. ”My parents were home and I needed to get out of the house. ”
She doesn’t know why she’s admitting all of this to Natalie. She doubts Nat even cares. She’s got a boyfriend anyway.
”It’s fine, Lot. ” Natalie says. She starts to play with Lottie’s hands in her lap, tangling their fingers together. ”You don’t owe me an explanation. ”
Lottie knows she doesn’t. She doesn’t know why it feels like she does.
Why she wants, needs Natalie to know it’s nothing serious, despite already having her whole heart on the line. She needs Nat to know she has no competition. That there’s no risk of Lottie tossing her aside any time soon.
”I figured he wasn’t your type anyway. ” Natalie says eventually, with a humorous undertone in her voice that lightens the heavy weight of the conversation. Lottie laughs, raising her eyebrows curiously.
”Yeah? Why is that?”
Natalie shrugs and purses her lips as if she’s pretending to think. ”Well for starters, the baseball team fuckin’ sucks. I peg you as the type of girl who’d be more into soccer players. Maybe someone scrappy, preferably someone who’s got an actual shot at winning state. ”
Lottie feels the amused and goofy smile on her face as she listens to Natalie talk, interlacing their fingers subconsciously as she raves on about Lottie’s supposed type.
”You sure you’re not talking about Taissa again?” Lottie says with a blank face.
Natalie blinks.
Then they both burst into a fit of laughter, head tilting back and bodies shaking against each other. The pleasant buzz in Lottie's stomach grows more and more fond with every sharp intake of breath as their knees bump against each other and she wants to keep it there for as long as she can.
She doesn’t know when the frantic heartbeat against her ribcage she used to associate with being near Natalie, turned into something calmer, warmer and planted itself firmly in the root of her chest.
She thinks she prefers this soothing, calming buzz over the panicky, clammy bodily reaction she used to get in sophomore year whenever Natalie would look at her and Lottie would be reminded of her crush.
It feels like such a life time ago.
The time she used to identify her emotions for Natalie as something as juvenile as a school girl crush. The way Lottie’s chest would feel tight and her throat would close up because she got so flustered she became tongue tied.
Sometimes Lottie wishes she could go back. Just to remember what it was like.
Before their relationship turned into this complicated tangled mess of unspoken words and lingering glances across the locker room. When Lottie could remind herself that it’s just a silly crush and could live with the fact that it was probably unrequited anyway.
Before Lottie knew what Natalie sounded like when she cried out for her mother in her sleep in the middle of the night. Before Natalie had seen Lottie lose all sense of reality and had to talk her down from a nervous breakdown because she’s sure someone is in the house and they’re out to get her.
But going back to that would mean Lottie wouldn’t know what Natalie looks like when she’s happy. Not in the blatant way like when she laughs at one of Van’s goofy impressions of Coach Martinez when he loses his temper which has Natalie doubling over in laughter.
But the way Natalie’s eyes twinkle and her mouth falls open in surprise because she has no idea how Lottie remembered that Nat takes her coffee with a splash of milk in the morning and black in the afternoon because she’s Italian and that’s the way her dad used to take it before things got bad.
It would mean Lottie wouldn’t know that Natalie loves Lottie in the same way Lottie loves her.
She falls asleep on Jackie’s couch with this knowledge on her mind and Natalie in her arms.
It’s the second time they spend the night together in the last two weeks without having sex, and Lottie wonders what it means. If it means anything at all.
It probably does.
She’s just not sure what yet.
In the morning Lottie thinks of asking Nat if she wants to spend the day with her.
Travis picks her up before Lottie gets the chance to open her mouth.
Lottie is not sure when exactly she realized she was in love with Natalie.
There was no sudden pang in her chest or a day she woke up when reality came crashing over her.
Suddenly Natalie was just part of her orbit and became an addition to the list of obvious facts about Lottie Matthews.
Which includes facts like how Lottie is taller than the national average, how she’s got the best footwork on the team, how she’s clinically insane and hopelessly in love with Natalie Scatorccio.
But if she had to guess, it happened some time during sophomore year shortly after Nat joined the team and long before Travis became part of the equation.
Lottie and Natalie spent a lot of time together paired up during soccer practice, which led to Lottie offering to drive her home and taking detours around town. Lottie pretended she didn’t know where Natalie lived and Natalie pretended she didn’t know Lottie was driving around in circles to buy them more time together.
There was a lot of pretending during that year.
A lot of pretending there was no reason for either of them to actively avoid going home. A lot of pretending they didn’t notice how the other one tried to come up with excuses to prolong their time together.
Mostly they just pretended there was nothing more than friendship going on.
Until that drunken night when Natalie dragged Lottie into a bedroom and kissed her until she saw stars.
There was a lot of kissing after that.
In janitor’s closets during lunch time at school, in empty bedrooms at parties with liquor coursing through their systems, in cars at Dunkin’s parking lot with sticky sugar coating their lips.
They didn’t talk about it.
Lottie knew how fragile the risk of giving into your greed was, and most importantly she knew how fragile Natalie was.
Lottie was terrified of ruining it before it had even started.
So she let herself be dragged into bedrooms, let herself fall to her knees while falling for Natalie because it was the only way to satisfy the hunger inside of her. The hunger that would never be fully satiated because Natalie would never be fully hers to indulge.
And when Natalie started dating Travis, Lottie assumed it was over.
That whatever thrill and excitement that had blurred Natalie’s vision for the period of time, had now died and washed off the moment Travis entered her periphery, leaving Lottie with nothing but a clouded memory and a vast wonder of what could have been.
Instead, Lottie found Natalie peeling off another layer of armour each time Lottie peeled Travis’ clothes off of her.
Once the thrill and adrenaline of sneaking around had faded, Lottie found Natalie succumbing to whatever stability and safety Lottie was able to provide her outside of her body.
The shameless flirting turned into quiet confinements and the initial curiosity turned into endless fascination until they were both completely stripped out of their clothes and exteriors.
And under the layers of Natalie’s sharp edges and Lottie’s designer clothes they found themselves staring down at the very same core.