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Jagged Little Pill played softly in the background as Shauna flipped through her book, tapping her pencil against the pages as her eyes scanned the text. Of course, her Philosophy final would be on the very last day of exams. Basically everyone else had already left campus for the holidays, and Shauna was stuck by herself for another week. At the very least, the solitude made it much easier to study, and Brown’s campus was beautiful in the snow. She turned the page, reading on about Kierkegaard and Sartre.
A sharp, jarring jingle that she still wasn’t quite used to broke through her studying. Shauna glanced at the clock—who was calling her at 1am?
She reached over to grab her Nokia from her desk, answering the phone and bringing it to her ear.
“Hello?” Shauna asked, her voice not hiding her annoyance at the hour of the call. There was no response. “Hello?” Shauna tried again. She paused, but again no reply. She sighed. She wasn’t going to waste her monthly minutes on some prank. She pulled the phone away from her ear.
“Hi,” a voice rasped. A very familiar voice. A voice she’d barely heard in two years.
Shauna almost dropped the phone. “Jackie?”
“Yeah. It’s uh…it’s me.” It could have been the connection, but something about Jackie’s voice sounded off. Shauna wanted to hit herself on the head for immediately being able to notice that in the first place. There were a million things Shauna wanted to say or ask; her mind was going a mile a minute.
“How’d you get my number?” was what she ended up blurting out. She dropped her head into her hand.
“Oh, um…Van got it from Tai.” Jackie’s voice was soft, subdued. It was missing the self-assuredness that Shauna was used to.
“What did—why’d you call?” Shauna was second guessing every sentence coming out of her mouth, more than she had in years. It was like all the confidence she had gained in her two years away at Brown vanished.
Jackie caused a weird dissonance within Shauna. On the one hand, their time apart allowed Shauna to figure out her own wants and needs. On the other, she felt like an entire part of her had been missing. Sometimes she still forgot when she was drunk at a party and would turn to tell Jackie something. She’d had an embarrassing number of slip-ups while hooking up with girls. There were nights when she closed her eyes and still saw the devastated look on Jackie’s face from their fight.
The call had been silent apart from the crackling breath Shauna could now hear across the line.
“I just wanted to hear your voice,” Jackie said distantly, as if she was zoning out.
“Oh,” Shauna’s breath left her in a sigh of surprise and disbelief around the word. Tears prickled unexpectedly at the corner of her eyes.
“Do you remember when we tried to make a tin-can telephone long enough to reach from my house to yours…so that we could talk whenever we wanted?”
A smile curled on Shauna’s lips at the memory. “We ran out of string before we even made it out of your house.”
“These phones have way more string.” Even as she told the joke, something fell flat. It lacked the levity Shauna had known her whole life.
“…Jackie, are you okay?” Two years apart apparently did nothing in the face of a decade of knowing each others’ every intricacy.
Her breath hitched at the other end of the line. There was a pause. “I’m sorry—about everything. I’m sorry I was too controlling…I’m sorry I made you hate me.” The last two words sounded thick with the mucus of held back emotion.
The apology threw Shauna for a loop. She had never expected Jackie to apologize to her, let alone first. Whenever Shauna pictured their reunion—because she did (it was inevitable) —there was screaming and arguing and passion involved. She had never imagined Jackie sounding so defeated.
Shauna knew there were things she had to apologize for. She just still wasn’t sure if she was ready for that yet. This conversation was a can of worms that needed to happen not over the phone.
“Jackie—“
“It’s okay. You were right…boring, tragic, insecure.” There was a sniffle that was louder than the whispered words.
“Listen, I was angry, but—“
“You don’t have to make it better….I just wanted to hear you,” something in her voice filled Shauna with dread. It sounded final. Shauna had subconsciously gotten up from the bed. She stood tensely in the middle of her room, her body poised for some type of danger. As if it was preparing for something Shauna’s head hadn’t yet caught up to.
“Jax,” there was a sharp inhale at the slip of the nickname, “where are you?”
There was a long silence on the other end of the phone.
“…home,” she finally answered, her voice slow.
“Are you alone?” Shauna gripped her fist to stop her hand from shaking.
“Yeah,” her breathing was getting heavier, more audible, as her words slurred. “I’m tired, Shaunie,” she mumbled. It was a nickname Shauna hadn’t heard since elementary school—when they were Jackie and Shaunie.
“Jackie, you’re scaring me,” Shauna’s voice strained, and her breath stuttered as tears leaked from the corners of her eyes.
She scrambled around the room, frantically grabbing a jacket, her bag, and her keys, not even bothering to change out of her pajamas shorts. She rushed out of her dorm, not taking the time to lock it, and ran faster than she ever had on the field.
“Don’t be...I—go…love,” she was barely forming sentences, and Shauna sprinting wasn’t making it any easier to understand her. There was a sudden click, then the line went dead.
“Jackie? Jackie!?” Shauna yelled into her phone as she sprinted through the freshly fallen snow toward the dorm parking lot. She glanced at her phone to see that the call had been ended. “Shit shit shit shit.” She quickly dialed one of the few phone numbers she knew by heart. “Come on…pick-up pick-up pick-up.”
The phone rang several times, then clicked.
“Hello?”
“Hello. You’ve reached the Taylor’s. We’re not available to take your call right now. If—“ Shauna ended the call, cutting off Mrs. Taylor’s recorded message.
“Fuck!” She slid to a stop next to her car, scrambling to unlock it, and got inside. She started the car, inputting another number as she flicked on the lights and threw it in drive. Holding the phone up to her ear, she sped out of the lot as it rang. Shauna’s hand clenched against the steering wheel, the leather squeaking slightly against her grasp.
“Hello?” Her mom’s voice groggily crackled through the phone.
“Mom! You’ve have to go to the Taylor’s; something’s wrong—“
“Shauna? Hey, what are you—?” But Shauna didn’t stop at her mother’s confusion. She didn’t even stop to breathe. She was too busy barreling toward the I-95 and Jackie.
“Jackie called me and she sounded wrong and she’s home alone and didn’t answer when I called the house and there’s something wrong.” Shauna was driving way over the speed limit; she was lucky that it was late and hadn’t encountered any cops yet.
“Okay. Okay, honey. I’ll call an ambulance to the Jolly Hitcher and drive over.” Shauna could hear her mom moving around frantically on the other side of the phone, but her words didn't make sense to Shauna.
“No, no—she’s at home, mom.”
“Honey, Jackie doesn’t live with the Taylor’s anymore—“ Her mom’s voice pulled away from the phone, but Shauna could still hear some of what she was saying into the house phone. “I need an ambulance…The Jolly Hitcher…217…possible…attempt—“
Then her voice was back at the cell phone receiver, “Shauna, sweetie, I need to know more about what happened—How long ago did she call? What seemed wrong?”
It had felt like ages ago. Shauna glanced at the clock on the dash. “Maybe 15 minutes since the start? She—she just seemed off…her words got slurred like she was really drunk, and she said she was tired, and it just felt wrong.”
“…think…pills…thank you.” Her voice had drifted away again.
“Mom!” Shauna shouted out into the cabin of her car as she finally made it onto I-95, tears and snot running down her face that she didn’t have the hands to wipe away, her body heaving with sobs she had no control over. “I’m scared,” the words came as a whiny cry. A child begging for someone to make it all make sense.
“The ambulance is on the way. I’m heading to the car now.”
“She’ll be okay, right?”
“You acted fast, honey, that’s really good. The chances are…the chances are good.” That wasn’t a resounding yes. "I'll call you with any updates.”
“I’m already on my way down.” She did not mention that she was speeding down the interstate as snow was accumulating on the road. It didn’t seem to matter, though. Her mom definitely already knew.
“Drive carefully,” she said pointedly, “I love you, Shauna.”
“Love you,” Shauna warbled.
There was a beep of the line disconnecting, and then Shauna was alone in her car. She suddenly became hyper aware of her wracking sobs and hiccuping, stuttering breaths now that she wasn’t focused on talking anymore. She tossed her phone into the passenger’s seat and wiped at her face to clear away the tears and mucus.
Placing both hands on the wheel, she stared out the windshield, watching as snow swirled around her, like she was in her own personal snow globe. Her shoulders shook, and, even as her tears slowed, a near-constant low, droning cry that bordered on a wail passed her shaking lips. She couldn’t help it.
The drive home usually took her around four and a half hours if she left in the middle of the day. At this time of night and at the speed she was going, she was hoping to shave that time down to three hours or less. Three hours of not knowing.
Not knowing if the last time Shauna would ever see Jackie was when they imploded. Not knowing why Jackie had really called. Not knowing if the last word she’d ever hear leave Jackie’s mouth was love. Not knowing if she would ever get the chance to apologize too.
She had already passed into Connecticut by the time her phone rang again. The snow had picked up a fair bit, and Shauna had been forced to slow down a little. Her mom would kill her if she died. The thought forced another round of sobs.
Shauna reached over to the passenger’s seat and grabbed her phone. She hurriedly answered and brought it up to her ear. “Is she okay?”
“The ambulance arrived before I did. I got there just as they were bringing her out. I followed behind on the way to the hospital, and I’m in the waiting room now.”
“Mom, please, just—“
“They’re pumping her stomach now. Then they have to run a bunch of tests.” There was a pause. Shauna could hear her mother slowly and unevenly breathe out. It was like Shauna finally remembered that her mom considered Jackie one of her own. She always had. “She barely had a pulse when they got to her.” She was holding it together for Shauna’s sake.
“She’ll be okay,” Shauna nodded with a sniffle. “She’ll be okay. She’s Jackie. She’s Jackie.” Shauna wasn’t sure if she was trying to convince herself or her mom. Maybe she was trying to convince the universe. “I’ll be there soon.”
“Be safe. I love you.”
Shauna opened her mouth to try to respond, but found she couldn’t. She hummed, “Mhm,” instead. She tossed her phone back to the passenger’s seat, then returned her hands to the wheel. Her fingers tapped and squeezed against it restlessly.
The car was silent apart from the sounds of her own breathing. She couldn’t bring herself to turn on the stereo, afraid of what mix she’d had in there last. Everything would just remind her of Jackie anyway. So she drove in silence through the falling snow, counting down every mile.
————————————
It was still dark when Shauna finally pulled into the hospital parking lot. A glance at the clock showed 4:32 am. Just over 3 hours. She hurried out of the car, slamming the door shut. Storming into the ER, there were a large handful of seats taken by people in various states of pain. Her mom sat at the end of one of the rows, her bag held against her chest as she watched the clock.
“Mom,” Shauna called in relief as she rushed over, immediately bending and curling around her mom into a hug. Arms wrapped around her securely as her mom took a deep breath. Shauna basked in the tightness of the hug, like she was being squeezed back into place.
When they pulled away, Shauna took the seat beside her, glancing at the doors that separated the waiting room from the rest of the department. She kept a hold of her mom’s hand, gripping it tightly. “Is she…?”
“They moved her up to the ICU. They’ll let us know when we can see her, but she’s stable right now. They’re monitoring for pneumonia.” Her mom held her hand back just as tightly.
There was so much Shauna wanted to ask at that moment, but it didn’t feel right to ask anyone but Jackie the questions she wanted answers to. So, she rested her head on her mom’s shoulder and waited.
————————————
Her body jostled, and she snapped awake, blinking against the fluorescent lighting of the waiting room. Her neck ached as she lifted it. Her legs shifted as she adjusted in the chair and noticed the coat draped over her bare legs. She had still been in her pajama shorts this entire time.
“Is everything okay? What time is it?” Shauna’s voice was rough and gravelly from sobs, exhaustion, and sleep. She turned toward her mom, wincing at the crick in her neck.
“Just after 7. We can go up to see her now.”
Shauna stood immediately. Her knees buckled a bit as she had lost feeling, and she just managed to catch her mom’s coat before it fell to the floor. She handed it back.
They navigated to the ICU, grabbing visitor’s badges from the nurse’s station on their way there. When they got to Jackie’s room Shauna stopped in front of the door. The only thing she could see through the window was the curtain drawn around the bed. She stretched her fingers out at her side then clenched them. She hadn’t seen Jackie in two years. She hadn’t been ready. She certainly wasn’t ready to see her like this.
She could feel her mother standing patiently at her back. She didn’t push. She just waited. Minutes passed. Doctors and nurses walked by in the halls; the hustle and bustle of rounds and the morning shift taking over.
Shauna took a deep breath and pushed the door open.
Gentle, rhythmic beeping filled the room. The mounted television was off. A couple of chairs were placed on either side of the room. The other bed in the room laid empty; made to perfection and waiting for its next use. She didn’t know why it had taken her this long to recognize the hospital smell. Sterile, but there was always something…stagnant about it. It clung to everything.
She shuffled toward the curtain and the beeping, taking the draped fabric in her hand. She took a few steadying breaths, then slowly drew the curtain back. Pressure immediately grew behind her eyes and sinuses as tears threatened to fall again at the sight of Jackie.
She was so small. Not just thin, though she was definitely that, too. Jackie used to be larger than life to Shauna; she had been the only thing in the entire world that Shauna could see for so long. She was the world, and Shauna was simply in her orbit. That image of Jackie did not match the frail girl who laid in bed before her.
She had a nasal cannula in her nose, draped around her ears, and Shauna could see the top of the hospital gown peeking out from under the covers. An IV was taped to the back of her hand, connected to some fluids that were slowly dripping from a bag. Her hair was dull and flat, greasy at the roots, like she had waited too long to wash it. There was no voluminous shine that Jackie took so much pride in. Heavy, dark bags sunk under Jackie’s eyes. It looked like she hadn’t slept in days.
“Jackie,” Shauna whispered, half-hoping she would wake up, while the other half knew she needed the rest.
There was the shuffling sound of wood against tile as her mom pulled both of the chairs closer to the bed. A hand gently squeezed her shoulder.
“Take a seat, honey. She might be asleep for a while longer…I’ll go get us some food.” She kissed Shauna’s forehead, then leaned forward to gently squeeze Jackie’s hand. She pressed a kiss to her forehead too, before leaning back and heading out of the room.
Shauna sat in the chair her mom brought over, scooching it even closer to the side of the bed. She sat at the edge of the chair, knees bumping against the frame. She grabbed Jackie’s hand. It was so cold. Colder than usual. Cold enough that Jackie would probably get a kick out of pressing them to Shauna’s lower back to make her jump.
“I’m here, Jax. I’m right here.”
————————————
She didn’t wake up in time for lunch. A doctor came around to check on her, but Shauna let her mom do the talking. She just kept Jackie’s hand in hers, her eyes stuck on the slow, steady up and down of Jackie’s chest. Proof that she was breathing. Proof that she was still here.
Her mom drove home in the late afternoon to pick up a change of clothes for Shauna. Shauna stayed vigilant at her post. They had hospital cafeteria dinner, then her mom went back home to get some rest, telling Shauna to call her if she needed anything.
————————————
Jackie woke up at 7:26 pm.
Her eyelids twitched, and the steady breathing Shauna had been monitoring for hours, deepened. As if struggling against the weight of the world, Jackie’s eyes opened agonizingly slow. They dropped shut again a few times before being able to stay half-lidded. Her hazel eyes looked glassy and unfocused; she looked straight ahead at the opposite wall that had only the mounted tv and a plain wooden set of drawers. Her neck moved with swallowing motions, searching desperately for hydration that her body was currently getting elsewhere.
Shauna knew that the doctor had said to alert them if she woke up, but she just wanted this moment first. She sagged with relief, instinctively gripping Jackie’s hand tighter. She leaned forward, resting her head against their combined hands. She just needed to let herself have this.
“Sh—“ Jackie broke into a cough before she could even get through the first syllable. Shauna’s head snapped up.
“Don’t strain yourself, Jax,” Shauna sniffled. She wiped away her tears and then hit the nurse call button. After, Shauna just watched Jackie who was staring right back at her. She looked confused. Her brow furrowed as her eyes took Shauna in. Her hand twitched against Shauna’s hold, curling against it, but unable to put any real pressure.
A minute or so later, the nurse walked in, then left just as quickly to grab the doctor. Shauna distracted herself from Jackie’s gaze by pouring her some water with one hand. She held it out to Jackie who lifted her other hand slowly and shakily. With Shauna’s guidance, Jackie lifted the paper cup to her mouth, taking slow sips.
The same man from earlier strolled in, heading to the foot of her bed and grabbing her chart.
“Good to see you up, Ms. Taylor. I’m Dr. Luden. Do you know where you are?” He flipped through the chart.
Jackie looked back at Shauna, then glanced around the room. “Hospital,” she croaked. The doctor nodded.
“That’s right, do you remember what happened?” Another glance at Shauna. Jackie shrugged. The doctor hummed.
“You overdosed on a significant amount of alcohol and Diazepam in your system. We had to pump your stomach when you arrived, and are now monitoring you for aspiration pneumonia as a result of the gastric lavage.”
Diazepam. Valium. The same drug Jackie would sneak from her mom’s medicine cabinet sometimes to calm Shauna down when she was feeling too anxious. Jackie had looked away from Shauna. Shauna tightened the grip on her hand.
“We should know within 24 hours if anything got into your lungs as a result of the stomach pump, and then we will move you up to Psychiatric for a week to make sure you’re feeling well enough to release.” Dr. Luden gave a wan smile. “Girls your age should be happy.”
Shauna seethed at the doctor. He had barely even glanced at Jackie, just reading from her chart, like he just wanted to get this over with and head to the next room. He put the chart back, then removed the cannula from around her ears and nose.
“Now that you’re awake we can remove this, but call a nurse if you start having trouble breathing.” He left right after, leaving Shauna and Jackie alone in a room for the first time in two years.
Their hands were still clasped, but Jackie’s eyes remained firmly fixed away from Shauna. She hadn’t looked back since the doctor went over her care. Shauna waited, hoping that Jackie might say something, but as the minutes passed that seemed less and less likely.
Shauna had no idea how to broach this situation. She didn’t know what she could say that could bridge this chasm that had formed between them. It felt insurmountable. She wasn’t sure if it was the exhaustion or the relief that Jackie was okay that did it, but for once she decided to tell the truth.
“I miss you.” She said the words softly, even though it was only the two of them in the room. It was an admittance; a vulnerability that felt so fragile, even a raised voice could shatter it.
Jackie’s breath caught—Shauna worried for the briefest moment that she needed the nasal cannula back—and her hand twitched in Shauna’s hold. Shauna watched Jackie’s profile and saw her lip start to quiver and jaw clench. Tears built in her eyes and flowed over, dripping down her cheeks. She let out a shuddering breath, and then it was like the floodgates opened.
A sob ripped through Jackie as she leaned toward Shauna, her body curling in on itself a little bit. Shauna was immediately on her feet to meet her. She cradled Jackie against her torso, one hand against her head while the other rested on her back. Shauna moved her hand slowly up and down Jackie’s back, making note of each knob of the spine her fingers caught against. She could feel Jackie breathing against her as her tears dampened Shauna’s shirt. Shauna was not faring any differently. Her tears rolled down her face, falling down onto Jackie’s crown. Jackie’s free hand lightly fisted at the bottom of Shauna’s shirt.
They spent a long time like that. Long enough that a nurse popped in to let Shauna know that visiting hours were ending in fifteen minutes. They eventually separated soon after, Shauna sitting back in her seat. Jackie returned to not looking at her.
“I‘ll be back as soon as visiting hours start tomorrow. I promise,” Shauna squeezed Jackie’s hand. Jackie nodded and returned the squeeze.
When the nurse returned to kick Shauna out, she wrapped Jackie in another hug first. “Night, Jax,” she pressed a kiss to Jackie temple, then the nurse herded her out of the room. Shauna wanted to fight back into the room, but the small, rational part of her brain knew if she did that they wouldn’t let her back.
“Can you call me if anything happens overnight?” Shauna pleaded with the nurse as soon as they closed the door behind them.
“I can only alert her emergency contacts with any updates,” the nurse sounded tired, but sympathetic.
“Please. Her parents aren’t around, a-and I was already here all day! Can’t you make me like a temporary contact or something?” Shauna trailed after the nurse back toward the nurse’s station. The nurse sat back down at her station and sighed. She looked Shauna up and down.
“What’s your name?”
“Shauna—Shauna Shipman.” The nurse turned toward the large monitor on her desk—they had finally transitioned to electronic records. She moved the mouse around, clicking a few times. She hummed.
“You’re already listed here as an emergency contact. Deborah Shipman and Shauna Shipman.” An ache bloomed in Shauna’s chest. She was Jackie’s emergency contact. Even after everything. Not her own parents. Not any newcomers that might have popped up. Just Shauna and her mom.
“If there are any issues overnight, we’ll give the listed numbers a call.” The nurse smiled politely. Shauna nodded slowly, still coming to terms with this new information.
“Thanks,” she mumbled, then made her way out of the hospital.
The drive home was silent. The house was dark aside from the porch light and kitchen; her mom was probably asleep. Shauna kicked off her shoes and climbed the stairs to her room.
Changing back into her pajamas, she stood, staring at her bed. Jackie was everywhere in her room. She covered each and every inch. She still surrounded the mirror. She sat in front of the vanity. She rifled through Shauna’s closet. She ran her fingers along the books in the bookcase. She laid on the bed—wrapped around Shauna, curled into Shauna, next to Shauna, on top of Shauna, beneath Shauna.
Shauna left her room.
She crept down the hall, tiptoeing into her mom’s room, just like when she was a kid. She slowly climbed into bed on the other side of her mom, cautious of the creaks of the old mattress, slipping under the covers, but her mom had always been a light sleeper.
“Any news?” Her mom mumbled, reaching over to grab her hand.
“…she’s awake. They said she’ll have to spend a week in psych.”
Her mom hummed. “I’ll look out for her when I’m at work this week.”
Shauna stared at the ceiling in the dark. So much had happened in the past 24 hours, and Shauna’s brain still hadn’t caught up. Less than 24 hours ago she had been reading about philosophers and the meaning of life to prepare for her exam, and now she was in New Jersey worried sick over her ex(?)best friend.
“Mom?” She whispered out into the dark. Her mom hummed in acknowledgement.
“Why are we Jackie’s only emergency contacts?”
“…I think I should let Jackie tell you that one.” She answered. Somehow, Shauna knew that would be the answer.
It took a long time, but Shauna finally found some semblance of sleep.
————————————
Shauna didn’t rest for long. She was up with her mom’s alarm at 5am, as she got ready for her shift. Shauna returned to her room, after a quick detour to shower, with the promise that she’d be by the hospital as soon as visiting hours started. She got changed into some of the clothes she’d left behind.
Shauna grabbed her old soccer duffel from the closet and placed it on the bed. She filled it with some old pairs of sweats, Jackie’s favorite sleep shirt, and one of her flannels. As she was digging through her closet, she stumbled upon her old teddy bear, Grizz, and tucked him in the duffel too.
She stared at the many pictures of her and Jackie that decorated the room. She gravitated towards the ones of them as kids; she worried any high school photos might lead to sore memories. Carefully, she placed two pictures from their childhood in the bag.
Throwing the strap over her shoulder was second nature to her still, as she made her way downstairs. Entering the kitchen, she glanced at the calendar on the wall. She still had three days before her final, and she could be back in New Jersey the same day.
Shauna placed the bag on one of the chairs, then set about making breakfast. It was nothing extravagant, just a quick egg sandwich on a bagel. She probably couldn’t bring Jackie an entire meal, but she did slip a packet of fruit snacks that Jackie had always liked in the bag.
They hadn’t received a call last night, so presumably nothing had changed. The thought reminded Shauna that she had to charge her cell phone. She immediately plugged it in in the kitchen. If she was gonna spend all day at the hospital anyway, she wouldn’t need it there.
Shauna spent the last thirty minutes before visiting hours bouncing her leg and staring at the clock, willing time to pass faster. She was up and out the door at 6:55 am, since it would take her a little over twenty minutes to reach the hospital.
————————————
Reception had a small line of early visitors checking in when Shauna got there. Luckily the line moved quickly, and after a few minutes it was Shauna’s turn.
“Who are you here to see?” The receptionist glanced up at Shauna from the monitor.
“Jackie Taylor—or maybe it’s in the records as Jacqueline Taylor, um, but she prefers Jackie.” Shauna trailed off as she continued to speak. The receptionist had no reaction, and just started typing on the computer.
“Fill this out.” She placed a clipboard and pen on the counter in front of Shauna. Shauna filled out the time, her name, and Jackie’s name on the sheet. The receptionist grabbed the clipboard as she slid a Visitor’s badge over to Shauna. Shauna clipped it onto her flannel.
“She was moved to Psych this morning, room 403,” the receptionist glanced at the bag, “they’ll have to look through your bag on the floor, just in case.”
There was an ache at the reminder of why that was, but Shauna just nodded and headed for the elevators.
Floor four was much quieter than the ICU, and Shauna had to be buzzed into the floor from the nurse’s station just on the other side of the door.
“I’m here to visit Jackie Taylor,” Shauna said quietly as she walked up to the nurses’ station.
“Oh, she’s just settling in. I’ll need to check your bag.” Shauna placed the duffel on the counter, shuffling awkwardly on her feet as the nurse looked through the bag. She blushed when she took out the pictures of them as children and cooed at them. “How sweet.”
She gave Shauna the go ahead, zipping the bag up, then motioned her down the hall. Shauna tried to walk slowly, but she was soon at 403. The door was open, and she could hear the low voices of the morning news anchors coming from inside. Shauna took one, steadying breath, then turned the corner into the room.
Jackie was sitting up in bed, her legs crossed, staring blankly at the television. She was no longer in a gown, just a basic set of hospital sweats. Shauna felt weird about knocking, so she gently cleared her throat instead. Jackie blinked and turned toward Shauna. She looked surprised.
“Hey, Jax,” Shauna closed the door behind her. Jackie’s eyes followed the movement. “I brought you some things I thought you might want.” She tugged at the strap of the bag, then moved closer toward the bed.
“I didn’t think you’d come,” Jackie’s voice was still raspier than usual. “You didn’t have to.”
Shauna felt a flash of anger pulse through her, as she was reminded of old tests. Of “you didn’t have to” with the unspoken expectation of “yes, you did”. She let that anger go as quickly as it came, though. Jackie didn’t deserve that right now.
“Of course I did,” Shauna finished the old call and response. She placed the duffel bag at the foot of Jackie’s bed, leaving Jackie to decide what to do with it, then sat in the chair next to the bed.
“Sorry about all of this. It was just…” Jackie trailed off, shrugging and waving her hand as if that explained anything.
“Just what? You’re obviously not okay, Jackie.”
“And whose fault is that?” Shauna recoiled at the words, before her anger surged again. “No. No,” Jackie held up one hand while dragging the other down her face, backtracking. “I know. I’m sorry. I just…everything fell apart. I couldn’t keep it together anymore—couldn’t keep me together. It seemed easier to just…” Jackie trailed off again, shifting her gaze to the bag.
“Kill yourself?” Shauna had trouble getting the words out. Jackie flinched. “Do you remember calling me?” Shauna’s fingers dug into her jeans. Jackie shrugged.
“I thought I was imagining it.”
“You said you were sorry for everything. For making me hate you.” Jackie shrugged again, picking at the blanket beneath her. “I don’t hate you, Jackie. I don’t even know if I ever really did. Everything just got so muddled, and I started to resent you so much…but I still loved you. Even through it all.”
Jackie finally stopped looking down at the bed, and stared right at Shauna. “It felt like you hated me.”
“You might not remember calling, but I’ll never forget that conversation. I’ve never been so scared in my life, Jackie.” Her breathing became uneven, and her voice strained as she fought back tears. “I could hear you drifting away over the phone, and then everything stopped, and I—I dropped everything. I drove for hours in the middle of a snow storm, just to make sure that you were okay. I need you to be okay, Jax.” Shauna sniffled and clenched her hands to stop them from shaking.
Jackie wiped away some tears that had fallen down her cheeks. She cleared her throat. “My parents…disowned me.”
Shauna’s brow furrowed at the information. The Taylors were all about projecting a perfect family image, always had been. Shauna could only think of one thing that might lead to that.
“Some…douchebag kid of one of my parents’ country club friends saw me at a party…making out with a girl.” The casual mention was both earthshattering and trivial. “He had asked me out before, and I had refused, so…word got back to my mom. She told me to stop that lifestyle and go out with that dickhead. And…I said no.” Jackie shrugged.
“They kicked me out. Stopped paying my tuition for next semester. Haven’t spoken to me since. When school ended, I stayed a few nights with Deb. I didn’t know where else to go, but I couldn’t stay in your room. Not after…everything.” Jackie started to play with the zipper of the duffel bag, opening and closing it just a bit. “I got a job at one of the shops at the mall and a room at a hotel, and watched as everything you said to me came true.”
Jackie’s words hung in the air for a moment. Shauna climbed into bed next to Jackie, wrapping her tightly in her arms, even though the angle was awkward. “Fuck what your parents said, and fuck what I said.” Shauna mumbled into Jackie’s hair.
“But you were right—“
“We can talk about us, later. You can hate me or hit me—whatever you need to do.” Shauna shook her head against Jackie’s. “High school was not the best your life was ever gonna get. You’re gonna do so much, and I’m not going to let my words keep you from that. Okay?”
“…okay,” Jackie responded quietly after a long pause.
They stayed tangled together until a nurse came in to take Jackie to her first session. Shauna went to grab food while she did, then came back to Jackie’s room to wait, watching tv to pass the time.
Jackie was escorted back to her room an hour later, and it was obvious she had been crying again. Shauna moved to sit up, but Jackie laid on top of her, keeping her in place, before she could.
At some point, they sat back up, and Jackie finally opened the bag. She immediately tore into the fruit snacks, popping them in her mouth one at a time as she went through the rest. She placed Grizz directly in her lap, then stared at the two pictures of them for a long time. She set them delicately, like they might break, on the bedside table. Thumbing through the clothes, she admired the selection, but only took the flannel and her sleep shirt out of the bag.
Maybe it should’ve been weird to watch Jackie bury her face in the two pieces of fabric and take a deep breath, but Shauna knew she’d do the same. Scratch that, she definitely had done the same. Months after their fight, Shauna had found a shirt Jackie had left at her house. Shauna had slept with it for days, and it was in her dorm room this very minute. Jackie placed the sleep shirt back in the bag, but tugged the flannel on.
By the end of the day, they had updated each other on their years apart, but Shauna could tell Jackie was holding back. They both were; things were still too fragile not to.
“I have to go back to Brown for my last final in a few days, but I promise, I’ll be right back as soon as it’s done.”
“You don’t have—“
“I do.” Shauna left no room for argument. She was coming back, which meant that Jackie still had to be here. She was not above guilting Jackie into staying alive.
Shauna left that day with the promise to return in the morning.
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The next few days passed much the same. Shauna spent all day in the hospital apart from the couple times Jackie needed to go to therapy or group each day. She brought Jackie something each day: a pillow, her favorite cookies, an empty journal (that one resulted in a raised eyebrow). They had had a few more arguments, but things felt more normal. Of course, they hadn’t talked about everything, but Shauna didn’t think that would be conducive to Jackie’s healing at the moment.
Shauna had to go back up to Brown right after she left the hospital on the third day, as her final was the next morning. The grade barely mattered to her anymore; she just needed to get it over with.
“I should be here by tomorrow evening, so I can bring you something extra for dinner. And then I can stop by the Jolly Hitcher to bring your stuff back over to my house. Mom said she’ll stop by in the morning to check in.”
“I’ll be here,” Jackie sounded a bit exasperated at Shauna’s overbearingness.
“Promise?” Jackie nodded, but Shauna didn’t budge.
“Promise,” Jackie conceded. Shauna nodded, satisfied. She left after kissing Jackie on the forehead.
The drive back to Brown was much slower than the one home. Shauna felt her worry grow with each mile added between her and Jackie. She just had to trust that Jackie would keep her promise. The only one she’d ever broken was when she promised to never read Shauna’s journal, but Shauna now wrote that off as an outlier. She had to believe that Jackie would keep her promises, especially ones that were that important. She was further soothed by the knowledge that her mom was hovering.
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The next morning was the fastest Shauna had ever taken an exam, but she still felt like she knew the material. She was in and out of the exam hall within an hour, and then raced back to her dorm. She packed for her time home, then hauled it into her car. She was back on the road not even twelve hours after she got to campus.
Shauna picked up a soft pretzel from Wawa on her way to the hospital for her and Jackie to split. Jackie was just finishing up her fairly unappetizing dinner when she arrived. Shauna was just happy to see that she had eaten any of it at all.
They laid side-by-side in Jackie’s bed. Jackie rested her head against Shauna’s shoulder, and Shauna rested her cheek on top of Jackie in turn. They spoke softly as Shauna helped Jackie figure out a new plan for next semester. She grounded her when she got too overwhelmed, and held her when it all became too much to think about again.
When Jackie was discharged at the end of the week, with a new prescription and an appointment with a therapist the following week, Shauna drove her home. She had already moved Jackie’s things into her room, and had prepared to be Jackie’s rock for the next month.
That night, as they lay curled up around each other in Shauna’s bed, Shauna murmured, “I love you, Jax.” She stared across the six inch gap, into Jackie’s eyes, begging her to understand.
“I love you, too.” Jackie sounded awed as she closed the gap. They didn’t kiss—not yet. Jackie simply rested her head against Shauna’s, their noses brushing, as they just existed together. Sharing breath until their bodies became one.
They still had years to work through, but Shauna would rather do it all than live in a world without Jackie. She’d give her every reason she needed to to make sure she stayed.