Work Text:
Feng Shi Counseling Group
Couples Therapy Intake Form
Patient name: Xie Lian
[see demographic information]
Name of partner(s): Hua Cheng
Relationship status: Dating
Length of time in current relationship: 1 month
What do you hope to accomplish through counseling? I’m honestly not sure! I think Mu Qing and Feng Xin want moral support for their counseling? It’d be great if they could learn to be in the same room without fighting.
What have you already done to deal with the challenges? Whenever they seem like they’re about to escalate a fight, I make them train idioms. I used to make them just stand in silence for a while, but it never really worked.
What are the biggest strengths in your relationship? The three of us have known each other for a very long time, so we’ve been through a lot together.
What are the biggest weaknesses? We’re not the best at communicating, which leads to some conflicts.
What action can you personally take to improve the relationship, regardless of the actions of your partner(s)? I think I could probably be a little more open about my side of things and be more understanding of where they’re coming from.
Have you previously attended couples counseling for your relationship issues? No
Have you attended individual counseling before? No
List your top three concerns about the relationship, ranked in order of importance:
- Feng Xin and Mu Qing frequently argue with each other, which can at times get physical.
- Feng Xin and Mu Qing really don’t like my boyfriend.
- Sometimes I’m not totally sure if Mu Qing actually considers me a friend?
Have any of you:
- Threatened separation or divorce? No
- Consulted a divorce lawyer (if married)? No
- Withdrawn from the relationship? Yes
- Engaged in emotional or physical infidelity? No
- Physically restrained, harmed, or hurt the other? Yes
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, please elaborate: There have been some rocky times in our friendship. Also, Mu Qing and Feng Xin fight a lot.
How important is it to you to improve the relationship? 8 out of 10 (quite important)
How willing are you to make the relationship a priority? 8 out of 10 (quite willing)
Is there anything else you’d like to share? I’m pretty surprised that Feng Xin and Mu Qing came up with this idea, as I wasn’t aware they were willing to work on their issues. I’m curious to see how productive it’ll be?
Please note that your answers will be discussed during sessions, but this form won’t be shared with your partner(s).
Couples Therapy Intake Form
Patient name: Feng Xin
[see demographic information]
Name of partner(s): N/A
Relationship status: Single
Length of time in current relationship: N/A
What do you hope to accomplish through counseling? Convincing Xie Lian to break up with Hua Cheng.
What have you already done to deal with the challenges? Told him that Hua Cheng is crazy.
What are the biggest strengths in your relationship? We’ve been friends since we were kids and have a lot in common.
What are the biggest weaknesses? Mu Qing is always inventing problems.
What action can you personally take to improve the relationship, regardless of the actions of your partner(s)? Probably work harder not to set off Mu Qing. But it’s not really my fault that he’s so prickly.
Have you previously attended couples counseling for your relationship issues? No
Have you attended individual counseling before? No
List your top three concerns about the relationship, ranked in order of importance:
- Hua Cheng is way too obsessed with Xie Lian.
- Xie Lian is ignoring all the very obvious, glaring red flags.
- Mu Qing is so sensitive all the time and disagreeable just for the sake of it.
Have any of you:
- Threatened separation or divorce? No
- Consulted a divorce lawyer (if married)? No
- Withdrawn from the relationship? No
- Engaged in emotional or physical infidelity? No
- Physically restrained, harmed, or hurt the other? Yes
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, please elaborate: Mu Qing and I settle problems with our fists sometimes. Not sure if that’s relevant since this therapy stuff isn’t about him.
How important is it to you to improve the relationship? 7 out of 10 (somewhat important)
How willing are you to make the relationship a priority? 7 out of 10 (somewhat willing)
Is there anything else you’d like to share? Xie Lian is way too attached to Hua Cheng and it’s clouding his judgment. Possibly Hua Cheng is using some kind of evil sorcery to ensnare him? Does the counselor provide any services to ward off evil?
Please note that your answers will be discussed during sessions, but this form won’t be shared with your partner(s).
Couples Therapy Intake Form
Patient name: Mu Qing
[see demographic information]
Name of partner(s): N/A
Relationship status: Single
Length of time in current relationship: N/A
What do you hope to accomplish through counseling? Forcing Xie Lian to face the truth that his boyfriend is a psycho, so I can wash my hands of the whole situation and ideally never speak to Feng Xin again.
What have you already done to deal with the challenges? I’ve already shown him the receipts, and it’s not my fault he’s in denial.
What are the biggest strengths in your relationship? N/A
What are the biggest weaknesses? Xie Lian is too naive and trusting, and for all we know Hua Cheng is a serial killer. Even if he’s not, he’s still an arrogant bastard who flaunts his wealth and stalks Xie Lian for some nefarious purpose. Feng Xin’s weaknesses are too many to list, if that’s clinically relevant.
What action can you personally take to improve the relationship, regardless of the actions of your partner(s)? It’s not my relationship so I don’t need to.
Have you previously attended couples counseling for your relationship issues? No
Have you attended individual counseling before? No
List your top three concerns about the relationship, ranked in order of importance:
- Hua Cheng has an ulterior motive. Possibly many ulterior motives.
- Xie Lian acts like he trusts this weirdo more than his LONG-TIME friends.
- Unrelated to their relationship, Feng Xin must be missing at least half his brain. Otherwise, I don’t know why he’s such an idiot.
Have any of you:
- Threatened separation or divorce? Yes
- Consulted a divorce lawyer (if married)? No
- Withdrawn from the relationship? No
- Engaged in emotional or physical infidelity? No
- Physically restrained, harmed, or hurt the other? Unknown
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, please elaborate: We’ve threatened separation on Xie Lian’s behalf, but Xie Lian has refused to withdraw, presumably just to spite us.
How important is it to you to improve the relationship? 2 out of 10 (not very important)
How willing are you to make the relationship a priority? 2 out of 10 (not very willing)
Is there anything else you’d like to share? I’m mainly coming to watch the show. I don’t need to participate.
Please note that your answers will be discussed during sessions, but this form won’t be shared with your partner(s).
Feng Shi Counseling Group
Relationship Coach: Shi Qingxuan
Intake Session Evaluation
Persons Present:
☒ All primary partners
☐ One partner only: __
☐ Two partners: __ and __
☒ New intern: He Xuan
☐ Others
Purpose of Counseling
☐ Relationship problems: Mild to moderate
☒ High relationship distress
☐ Separation or pending divorce
☐ Premarital counseling
☐ Other
Functional State of Relationship
Conflict Frequency
☐ Infrequent
☐ Occasional
☒ Frequent
Negative Communication Patterns Noted
☒ Criticism
☒ Contempt
☒ Defensiveness
☒ Stonewalling
☒ Triangulation
☒ Escalating to violence
☐ None noted
Impact of Issues on Marriage/Relationship and Family
☒ Relationship satisfaction
☐ Financial
☐ Parenting and/or parent/child relationships
☒ Sexual relationship, frequency, and/or satisfaction
☒ Home environment
☐ Relationships with friends, in-laws, and/or extended family
☐ Career or work responsibilities of any partner
☐ Community, church, or outside responsibilities
☐ Legal
☐ Other
Severity of Impacts on Marriage/Relationship and/or Family
☐ None
☐ Mild
☐ Mild to moderate
☐ Moderate
☐ Moderate to severe
☒ Severe
Immediate Prognosis of Marriage/Relationship and/or Family
☐ Excellent
☐ Good
☐ Fair
☐ Poor
☒ Rock bottom
☐ Undetermined
Intake Session Notes
Clients Xie Lian, Mu Qing, and Feng Xin seem to be in some sort of toxic polycule?? Note: I haven’t worked with anyone in a polyamorous relationship before, but it’s probably not that different from a monogamous one, except that this situation seems REALLY messy.
There was a lot of yelling and not a lot of answers to my questions, so here’s what I’ve gathered after googling some stuff:
- It was originally a “vee” polycule with Xie Lian having relationships with both Mu Qing and Feng Xin
- Feng Xin and Mu Qing don’t (yet?) have a romantic relationship with each other
- They do have a physical relationship, in the sense that they like to beat each other up, which seems bad
- Xie Lian has added two(???) new partners into the mix, Hua Cheng and San Lang(???)
- His other two partners can’t accept these new additions and have concerns about Hua Cheng specifically in terms of his viability as a romantic partner
- Their thoughts on San Lang are unclear
- So...everyone’s unhappy?
- I really don’t know how they’re expecting me to sort this out bc WHAT is going ON
- I had to drink like 5 cups of coffee during this session
- But He Xuan sighed loudly every time I asked him to get me coffee even though I think that’s his job??
- Idk I’ve never had an intern before
- To google: “intern responsibilities”
Here’s what we know about San Lang:
- He’s very gentle
- He’s really good-looking
- He’s super trustworthy
Here’s what we know about Hua Cheng:
- He’s the literal devil from the Bible
- He looks like a villain
- He’s extremely untrustworthy
Immediate counseling goals:
- Convince clients to bring San Lang and Hua Cheng for a session (I’m so intrigued)
- Stop Feng Xin and Mu Qing from trying to kill each other and/or Hua Cheng (bad for relationship morale)
Assigned homework for next week: Try having one (1) conversation without insulting, yelling, or punching each other!
He Xuan’s Notes
Boring. Nothing to report.
Feng Shi Counseling Group
Relationship Coach: Shi Qingxuan
Intern: He Xuan
Session 2 Notes
Results of homework: Mixed? Xie Lian said he had pleasant conversations with all of them, but Mu Qing and Feng Xin failed to have a civil conversation with each other or Hua Cheng. In their words, he provoked them. In Xie Lian’s words, “they all have strong personalities.”
New Hua Cheng lore unlocked:
- His NICKNAME is San Lang
- Or possibly his criminal pseudonym (sources vary)
- So there’s no extra person named San Lang
- Well how was I supposed to know that??
- Hua Cheng is an artist
- He refuses to make art for anyone except Xie Lian
- He’s filthy rich
Where does his wealth come from then?
- Xie Lian: “He has very good luck and many skills”
- Mu Qing: “Criminal activity”
- Feng Xin: “I don’t know, but nowhere good”
Exercise: Building conflict resolution skills!
Method: Start a fight! And then observe, like a nature documentary
Prompt: What do you hate most about each other?
Xie Lian:
- “I’ll just let them work this out!”
- Despicable!
- You know, I’ve always liked Xie Lian (ever since we met a week ago) but he’s kinda the root of all evil in this polycule!
- And his refusal to take responsibility makes him a bit of a scumbag!
Feng Xin:
- “Mu Qing is so petty. He holds on to the tiniest most unimportant grudges from like 800 years ago and makes it everyone’s problem”
Mu Qing:
- I’m not able to do it justice by recapping it because he listed at least 10 ways Feng Xin and Xie Lian have wronged him just this year
- Mu Qing and Feng Xin do not seem to agree on the difference between “questions” and “accusations”
Shi Qingxuan:
- I was so tired after this exercise!
Assigned homework: Come up with one thing you like about each person (including Hua Cheng)!
Note for posterity: Quotes may not be exactly verbatim, but close enough!!
He Xuan’s Notes
Difficult to focus on eating with all the yapping. Nothing to report.
Feng Shi Counseling Group
Relationship Coach: Shi Qingxuan
Intern: He Xuan
Session 3 Notes
Results of homework:
Xie Lian’s answers:
- “Feng Xin is very loyal”
- “Mu Qing has good attention to detail and can be thoughtful”
- “I like everything about San Lang”
- Blatant favoritism!!
- I think that must violate SOME unspoken rule of polyamory
- Need to google or maybe ask He Xuan if he knows
Feng Xin’s answers:
- “Xie Lian is a really good person”
- “Hua Cheng is rich so he has a lot of nice stuff probably”
- “Mu Qing is spiteful and assumes the worst of everyone for no reason, but I don’t hate him or anything”
- A bit unclear to me if Feng Xin understood the exercise
Mu Qing’s answers:
- “Xie Lian has a better temper than Feng Xin, but that’s an incredibly low bar”
- “Feng Xin is extremely simpleminded”
- “Hua Cheng seems like he would be difficult to apprehend if he were murdering people”
- Super clear to me that Mu Qing did not understand the exercise at all!
Hua Cheng’s answers:
- Unknown because he still hasn’t shown up!! Sad!
I tried to dig more into how they all met so here’s the lore I’ve excavated so far:
- The three of them have known each other since they were kids
- Xie Lian’s family was in a higher social class so that has left some lingering tension for some of them (cough Mu Qing cough) (though it’s rather unclear whether Mu Qing wants to eat the rich or be the rich)
- Xie Lian’s family went through some extreme turbulence that caused them all to lose touch for a while but they eventually found each other again
- Shortly after coming back together, Hua Cheng entered the picture!
But how did Hua Cheng enter the picture??
- Xie Lian was getting mugged (??? bro was way too chill about this detail)
- And then a knight in shining armor came to save the day!
- Or an evil villain who probably hired the mugger in the first place inserted himself into the situation for evil villainous purposes as of yet unknown
- The accounts are murky
- And that’s when time ran out!
Assigned homework: Come up with one (1) thing you’ve always wanted to say to each other!
Note for intern: Can you put a little more effort into your notes???? Also, it might be a tad bit unprofessional that you’re always eating during sessions. Just saying!!
He Xuan’s Notes
Hua Cheng is evil, or maybe he’s not. Inconclusive. He apparently has a lot of money, which makes one wonder why he’s so stingy about it. Xie Lian said he likes him for some reason.
Feng Shi Counseling Group
Relationship Coach: Shi Qingxuan
Intern: He Xuan
Session 4 Notes
To prep for this session, I analyzed all of their Zodiac signs to determine their compatibility. Here’s what I learned from a random website:
- Xie Lian and Hua Cheng: Cancer and Gemini. Totally incompatible!!!
- Xie Lian and Mu Qing: Cancer and Aquarius. Also pretty incompatible!!!
- Xie Lian and Feng Xin: Cancer and Scorpio. Totally compatible!!!
- Mu Qing and Feng Xin: Aquarius and Scorpio. Neither compatible nor incompatible!!!
- Mu Qing and Hua Cheng: Aquarius and Gemini. Totally compatible!!!
- Feng Xin and Hua Cheng: Scorpio and Gemini. Slightly compatible!!!
Conclusion: It seems like maybe this whole polycule thing isn’t working out, so the pairs designated by the planets or whatever are actually Xie Lian/Feng Xin and Mu Qing/Hua Cheng. However, I don’t think the clients are ready to hear such harsh truths, so I’m not sure how to break it to them!! Will wait and see
Results of homework: A little tense! For this exercise I asked them not to reply to each other’s statements and just listen!
Xie Lian:
- “I think you’re both being a little unfair to San Lang. He’s always been really good to me. What has he actually done wrong?”
- Yeah guys the main problem in this dysfunctional polycule is Xie Lian!!!
- He’s the one running around having all these boyfriends who hate each other!
- We really need to address this in future
Feng Xin:
- To Xie Lian: “It sucked that we lost touch for so long. I felt like you didn’t trust me enough to stay in your life when you were having a difficult time”
- To Mu Qing: “The fact that you’re always so paranoid that everyone is scheming against you says more about you than anyone else. Other people aren’t as narrow-minded as you! If you just took your head out of your ass for once you’d see that it’s literally never that fucking serious”
- Okay go off I guess
Mu Qing:
- To Feng Xin: “Who the fuck are you calling paranoid? You’ve never trusted me, and you always made that abundantly clear when you were accusing me of every evil misdeed under the sun. What else am I supposed to think?”
- He actually went on for longer than that but it’s too much work to transcribe
- My fingers hurt
- He has a LOT of opinions about Xie Lian
- It’s making me wonder if maybe they just have some kind of toxic sexual relationship???
- Otherwise what the hell kind of romantic relationship is this
- He said Xie Lian’s niceness is performative and just for attention and praise
- Then he said Xie Lian isn’t better or more skilled than him just because he grew up wealthy
- Xie Lian’s response btw was basically “Sir this is a Wendy’s”
- Jk I’m not sure if Xie Lian actually knows any memes he seems to have the soul of a boomer
- But bro was so chill he was just like damn do you have to say these things to my face??
- Yes he does!!
- That’s the exercise!!
- There’s no such things as inside thoughts in therapy
- Unfortunately Feng Xin took great offense to Mu Qing’s assessment of Xie Lian and they argued about this for the rest of the session
- On the bright side, I got to see Xie Lian’s nifty little trick of forcing them to play word games
Assigned homework: Play devil’s advocate with yourself and come up with one (1) counterargument for the things you said in today’s session!
He Xuan’s Notes
Mu Qing has a lot of feelings bottled up that no one cares about. Especially not me. Xie Lian thinks those two should be nicer to Hua Cheng. Not convinced Hua Cheng has done anything to warrant this defense.
Feng Shi Counseling Group
Relationship Coach: Shi Qingxuan
Intern: He Xuan
Session 5 Notes
Results of homework: Actually some progress today!!!
Xie Lian:
- Counterargument: “You guys don’t know San Lang like I do, so it makes sense that you’re wary. You should spend more time with him! Well, with a mediator”
- What I’m hearing is we need to get Hua Cheng here ASAP
- I’m a mediator!
- That’s like my whole thing!!
- It’s perfect
Feng Xin:
- Counterargument for Xie Lian: “You had a lot going on back then, so it makes sense that you just weren’t in a good place to keep in touch. At least we’ve found each other again now”
- Weirdly sweet for Feng Xin! A+
- Counterargument for Mu Qing: “Sometimes I don’t think before I speak and you seem to read a lot into it when really I’m just asking a simple question. Maybe that’s because you think I hate you or something, but I already said I don’t, so stop fucking thinking that”
- Like B+
Mu Qing:
- Counterargument for Feng Xin: “It’s possible, theoretically, that I at times slightly misinterpret what you may or may not be trying to say, which is mostly your fault for being unclear but I could potentially be a little less combative”
- Why does he say these things like we’re torturing it out of him
- He’s literally paying to be here!!!
- Deep down I think he’s really insecure and he wants to fix this relationship but he doesn’t know how or believe it’s actually possible
- Counterargument for Xie Lian: “There’s a lot of things I don’t like about you, but I guess I’m a little in awe of you too, and I always wanted to be friends”
- Xie Lian: [surprised Pikachu meme.jpg]
- That was SHOCKINGLY vulnerable
- We’re all shocked
- Literally I think we all sat in silence for 30 seconds while Mu Qing’s face turned the color of Hua Cheng’s allegedly numerous red flags
- Then Xie Lian said “But we’re already friends?”
- Mu Qing: [surprised Pikachu meme.jpg]
- Feng Xin: “Are you a fucking idiot? Of course you’re friends”
- That’s when we got off a productive track so I didn’t get the opportunity to ask if they mean friends with benefits or what the heck is going on here
Assigned homework: Reflect on what we discussed today!
Note for next session: Xie Lian told me after the others left that it might be good if the next session just focuses on Mu Qing and Feng Xin working things out, so he won’t be present. He’s trying to evade responsibility again???!!! But also this may be a good opportunity to get the tea
He Xuan’s Notes
Xie Lian suggested that the others spend more time with Hua Cheng. Hah. Good luck.
Feng Shi Counseling Group
Relationship Coach: Shi Qingxuan
Intern: He Xuan
Session 6 Notes
Results of homework: I’m not sure if Mu Qing and Feng Xin followed the prompt to “reflect,” exactly. It might be more accurate to say they’ve been “stewing” or perhaps “letting everything fester”!
The fact that Xie Lian did not attend this session really derailed the first part, because they were insistent that he’s the only reason they’re here. Well, obviously I agree! Which is why we need to break down this toxic polycule before Xie Lian tries to add another limb to it!!! They kept trying to turn the convo back to Hua Cheng, but is he really the root cause or just a symptom? Check and mate
I asked how this foursome came to be:
- Mu Qing: “Ew don’t call it a foursome”
- I guess foursome is not a politically correct term for a polycule
- Feng Xin: “I don’t associate with anyone but Xie Lian by choice”
So I asked them to describe their individual relationships with Xie Lian and here’s what I gathered:
- Feng Xin is insecure about Xie Lian leaving him behind again
- Mu Qing is just insecure about everything, in general
- He feels like Feng Xin and Xie Lian look down on him, and he knows for sure that Hua Cheng does
- Feng Xin agreed that Hua Cheng thinks he’s better than them and that makes it impossible to get along with him
- Feng Xin feels like Hua Cheng is judging them for not being good friends to Xie Lian in the past but Feng Xin doesn’t know what he could’ve done differently
- I think Mu Qing does have some things he would’ve done differently if he could go back but there’s obviously no way to change the past
- So what now?
Do you think Xie Lian blames you for the past?
- Feng Xin: “No, but that almost makes it worse”
- Mu Qing: “He definitely secretly resents us”
- Feng Xin: “Not everyone is like you”
- Normally this would set Mu Qing off again but he actually just rolled his eyes and didn’t say anything else
What do you wish you could say to Xie Lian?
- Feng Xin: “We couldn’t help you before, but we can’t just watch now as you date a maniac”
- Mu Qing: “Anyone with eyes can see that Hua Cheng is weird. If he’s dating him just to spite us, that’s like dropping a rock on his own foot”
- I told him that was a good idiom and he just glared at me
Why do you think Xie Lian is dating Hua Cheng out of spite?
- Mu Qing: “What other reason is there? As I said, Hua Cheng is weird and probably dangerous”
- Feng Xin: “I mean, I guess if you think about it, Xie Lian is kinda weird too”
- No kidding!!
- He has two and a half boyfriends who all hate each other!!!!
- Mu Qing then accused Feng Xin of taking Hua Cheng’s side just for the sake of disagreement and that derailed us again
I also asked them to try an eye contact exercise but it did not really work out because after about 10 seconds Mu Qing kicked Feng Xin and then said that’s his natural reflex when he sees Feng Xin’s face
It’s time to get to the bottom of this Hua Cheng fellow once and for all!!! Next session, it’s going to be just Xie Lian and Hua Cheng! Nonnegotiable!!
He Xuan’s Notes
Hua Cheng has to attend the next session. Lmao.
Feng Shi Counseling Group
Relationship Coach: Shi Qingxuan
Intern: He Xuan
Session 7 Notes
FINALLY we get to meet Hua Cheng, the man, the myth, the legend, the potential homewrecker. (Maybe you can’t wreck an already demolished home though.) First impressions:
- He’s definitely hot but in an evil pirate kind of way
- Actually I’m not sure if it’s ethical to call patients hot so nvm
- He looks at Xie Lian like Xie Lian is the sun and he doesn’t even care if he’ll go blind
- He will only answer my questions if Xie Lian repeats them (offensive!! I think!!!)
- He really couldn’t care less if Mu Qing and Feng Xin lived or died
- I know that because he said “I really couldn’t care less if Mu Qing and Feng Xin lived or died”
- And Xie Lian said “I care though!”
- And Hua Cheng said “Your charity work is so admirable, gege”
- “Gege” is crazy btw
Clinical assessment: I thought Feng Xin and Mu Qing were just projecting their dissatisfaction with Xie Lian on Hua Cheng, but actually now I get why they hate him. They’re probably really jealous too because I’ve never seen Xie Lian look at them like he looks at Hua Cheng. Yikes!!!
Unclinical assessment: I lowkey think Hua Cheng and Xie Lian make a weirdly compatible couple?? But their Zodiacs are so incompatible!!! Will this really work? Also Xie Lian probably needs to stop jilting his other lovers and just set them free. But Feng Xin seems like the clingy type and Mu Qing seems like the type to slash his ex’s tires so I can slightly understand the hesitation
I asked Hua Cheng to step outside for a bit so I could have a heart to heart with Xie Lian and ask him why he’s stringing along Mu Qing and Feng Xin:
- He pretended to have no idea what I was talking about!!!
- And I said I’m an ally so I support ethical nonmonogamy but I haven’t found one thing ethical about this whole mess
- Xie Lian once again looked confused, which may just be the boomer in him not being hip to the lingo yet
- Maybe he created this toxic polycule organically without actually knowing anything about polyamory
- But that’s not an excuse!!!!
- I said he can’t date multiple people if he’s not going to take responsibility for everyone’s feelings!!!!
- And then he DENIED dating multiple people!!!
- This is worse than I even thought!
- He’s actually demoted Mu Qing and Feng Xin now that Hua Cheng is in the picture?
- No wonder they’re always acting like bitter concubines who want to poison the main wife
- What a disaster!!!!!
- Xie Lian said Hua Cheng wouldn’t like it if he dated other people
- My brother in christ do you think your other lovers are okay with it??
- Of course not!
- They want to kill the main wife!!!!
- We’re so cooked I fear
- This is NOT a polycule it’s a HAREM
- Should I ask Reddit for advice??
Then Hua Cheng came back and he just gave me an extremely unfriendly smile for the rest of the session!! It was so frightening!
Next session: All four of them must attend!! We have to hash this out!
Note for intern: I’m really not getting the impression through your notes that you’re learning a lot from this internship??
He Xuan’s Notes
I’m not. I’m just eating a lot of melon seeds.
Feng Shi Counseling Group
Relationship Coach: Shi Qingxuan
Intern: He Xuan
Session 8 Notes
Finally, the WHOLE harem was here today! This has been my goal all along, but I was kinda scared!!
We all sat in excruciating silence for at least a few minutes, and I read their body language. They were ALL turned slightly toward Xie Lian like sad little sunflowers, which I thought was really tragic!!!
First hard-hitting question: Do you think this polyamorous relationship is salvageable?
- Feng Xin googled polyamory on his phone and then spit out his coffee on Mu Qing!!!
- Hua Cheng reacted so quickly he pulled Xie Lian into his arms and away from the coffee
- Mu Qing shoved Feng Xin and stormed out to go wash his shirt in the bathroom
- Hua Cheng gave the coldest laugh I’ve ever heard (even more spine-chilling than He Xuan’s laugh at the spit take. I think that’s the first time I’ve ever heard He Xuan laugh actually??)
- This is where it gets really crazy
- Feng Xin asked who else is Xie Lian dating?!
- So I thought he was just in denial and I tried to explain that he’s dating Hua Cheng!
- And Feng Xin said “Yeah but who else?”
- You!! And Mu Qing, maybe!!
- And Feng Xin gave Xie Lian a horrified look and said “How come I didn’t know???”
- By the time Mu Qing returned and sent Feng Xin a venmo request for his shirt, we had unraveled the slight misunderstanding that I’ve been operating under for the last two months
BOMBSHELL: There is no harem! Or polycule!!! Xie Lian and Hua Cheng are totally monogamous! And Xie Lian’s relationships with Feng Xin and Mu Qing are totally platonic and always have been!!
Hua Cheng laughed at my expense and then said, very seriously, that if anyone ever gets any romantic ideas about Xie Lian they’ll find themselves entering the reincarnation cycle early. Honestly I don’t believe therapy will really work for Hua Cheng. I think he’s just Like That
What a whirlwind. My adrenaline was going so crazy I kind of forget the details of the rest of the session (hopefully He Xuan took good notes?)
Next session: I asked them to return for at least one more session so we can wrap up everything we’ve worked on!
He Xuan’s Notes
A lot of drama over nothing. The end.
Feng Shi Counseling Group
Relationship Coach: Shi Qingxuan
Intern: He Xuan
Termination Session Notes
Final status of counseling goals:
- Bring Hua Cheng to a session: Accomplished! Thrice! I’m not sure how productive his attendance actually was but he seemed to enjoy himself. Possibly he was just reveling in the discomfort of other patients but still!
- Prevent murder: Accomplished, probably! I don’t think I’m liable if it does happen in future? But I think after the groundwork we established in these sessions, Mu Qing and Feng Xin probably won’t kill each other or Hua Cheng
Individual progress:
- Xie Lian: Thank God he wasn’t an evil unethical polygamist, because I was starting to feel a little guilty about liking him as a person!! I thought my instincts about people must be rusting. (He Xuan says I have no instincts about people, but what does he know? I’m the counselor here!)
- Feng Xin: A bit awkward and abrasive, but his heart is definitely in the right place. I think he’s become much more tolerant toward Mu Qing and Hua Cheng! As in, he probably won’t punch them unless they punch him first! He seems to understand that he has a lot to unpack with Xie Lian (Not Romantically, Thank God) but that’ll take time and much of it he’ll have to do on his own. I did tell him that individual counseling could be a helpful resource!
- Mu Qing: This man is so emotionally repressed that I’m shocked he managed to admit that he wants to be friends with Xie Lian! HUGE progress for him, actually! I offered to make him a certificate of progress in case it would encourage him to be more open about his feelings in future but he Really didn’t like that. I also suggested that he invest in individual counseling for the approx 100 million issues he has yet to unpack but he did not seem keen on that idea either. Still I think his conviction that everyone hates him and is out to get him has decreased by at least 25%!
- Hua Cheng: He’s only been in counseling for five seconds and I don’t think he learned anything in that time but he hasn’t burned down my office or anything so a win’s a win!! Also he and Xie Lian really do seem very sweet together even though their Zodiac signs are not compatible. It’s nice when weird people find each other!!
This last session was an opportunity to negotiate a ceasefire! I asked Xie Lian to explain to his friends why he likes Hua Cheng:
- He listed so many things
- Hua Cheng looked like he was going to ascend to the divine realm at any second
- Even though Mu Qing scoffed, he didn’t give his usual refrain about how Xie Lian must be personally spiting them by dating Hua Cheng. Actually now that I think about it, if Xie Lian isn’t running a harem, that was a crazy take from Mu Qing in the first place!
I also asked Hua Cheng to explain his interest in Xie Lian:
- He said “None of your business”
- And then Xie Lian was like “We don’t need to get into all of that, but maybe you could just reassure Feng Xin and Mu Qing that you’re not trying to harvest my organs or something”
- And Hua Cheng took that as a challenge to wax poetic about every single thing he likes about Xie Lian until Feng Xin finally said “Fuck, okay, we get it! Just shut up!”
- Mu Qing said he still thinks Hua Cheng is creepy but he won’t intervene anymore because he doesn’t care
- Mu Qing is the fakest idgafer I’ve ever seen but I actually think he has realized that Hua Cheng is not an active threat
Honestly all these people are a little insane so I don’t think there’s much more I can do for them but I hope they can find a solid equilibrium that allows them to stay good friends! Also I hope they never, ever, ever form a polycule together
Termination Session Evaluation
Persons Present:
☒ All involved parties
☐ One patient only: __
☐ Two patients: __ and __
☐ Three patients: __, __, and __
☒ Intern: He Xuan
☐ Others
Functional State of Relationship
Conflict Frequency
☒ Never (Xie Lian/Hua Cheng)
☒ Infrequent (Xie Lian & Feng Xin)
☒ Occasional (Xie Lian & Mu Qing)
☒ The normal amount for people who don’t really like each other but probably won’t kill each other (everyone else)
☐ Frequent
Severity of Impacts on Marriage/Relationship and/or Family
☐ None
☐ Mild
☒ Mild to moderate
☐ Moderate
☐ Moderate to severe
☐ Severe
Immediate Prognosis of Marriage/Relationship and/or Family
☒ Excellent (Xie Lian/Hua Cheng)
☒ Good (Xie Lian & Feng Xin)
☒ Fair (Xie Lian & Mu Qing)
☒ Poor (everyone else)
☐ Rock bottom
☐ Undetermined
He Xuan’s Notes
Not a good use of my time but it was fairly lucrative. Also, I’m quitting.
Feng Shi Counseling Group
Relationship Coach: Shi Qingxuan
Intern: He Xuan
Intern Evaluation [EXCERPT]
When you wrote in your letter of resignation that you were “sent here by Hua Cheng as a spy,” did you mean you felt a divine calling to work here because you could sense a tricky case involving someone named Hua Cheng was about to land on my desk?? Also what do you mean you’re quitting? Is it because I didn’t pay you? I thought all interns were unpaid! Also, you did say this position was “lucrative,” which I’m assuming means in terms of experience, since I didn’t pay you any money, so I’m not sure why you would want to quit??
Feng Shi Counseling Group
Relationship Coach: Shi Qingxuan
Client Satisfaction Surveys
Xie Lian
Thanks for your help! I guess we all had a little more to discuss than I thought. If I may offer a suggestion for future clients, it would perhaps be best if you clarified the nature of a relationship at the start to avoid awkward misunderstandings. And maybe read those forms you made us fill out at the beginning, since you mentioned you didn’t really look at those. Just a thought!
Feng Xin
I don’t think I approached this therapy stuff with the purest goals, but now I have a better idea of what’s actually important. Even though you made wild assumptions and didn’t actually know what was going on half the time, thanks.
Mu Qing
Worst experience of my life. Thank god it’s over. I’m never talking about my “feelings” ever again. Also, you have to be an even bigger idiot than Feng Xin to think I would ever be interested in any of those people! Disgusting! You should be ashamed of yourself for making totally outlandish assumptions and maligning my character. As if I would ever lower myself to compete with Hua Cheng! Do you even hear yourself?
Erase from your mind EVERYTHING I ever said in front of you. And burn all those stupid notes!! You better take all that shit to the grave, or I swear to god I will not hesitate to file a complaint and get you stripped of your license. Do you even have a license???
Hua Cheng
Xie Lian is willing to forgive your ineptitude, but I will not forget the utterly revolting accusations you made. Still, even a broken clock is right twice a day, so you got a couple things right amid a sea of stomach-churning misapprehensions and blunders. Really good job.