Chapter Text
“You told them what?" Olivia has never felt sleep deprivation like this, until she cradled Noah in her arms, so surely she's hearing things. She bounces her son gently in her arms as she looks at her best friend incredulously.
“That we’re dating.” He nods with a pained look on his face, like he knows how much he’s fucked up.
“Start from the beginning, Stabler.” She needs wine, fuck, but not with Noah awake. She kisses the top of his drowsy head and looks between him and Elliot. “Actually– I’m going to put him down for his nap, then we are going to sit on that couch and you’re going to tell me from the beginning how you found yourself telling your family that we’re dating. Since we are obviously not!” She’s trying to calm how her heart thunders in her chest. He'd been retired for almost three years now, but not straying far, especially after the dissolution of his marriage.
They were still friends, great friends, best friends. He'd been the reason she'd been found after two days in the clutches of a madman, he'd been there for her when she was lost beyond belief as a new mom. She'd love to be doing this thing, life, with him, but every time she felt like things calmed down, she was too scared to rock the boat with something like: Oh by the way I've been in love with you for 16 years. So instead, he's godfather to her son, one of the best babysitters she's got on speed dial, and definitely, most certainly, still her best friend.
And somehow, he'd told his family he was her boyfriend.
Elliot reaches out and brushes his fingers down Noah’s soft dark hair and he kisses the top of the boy’s sleepy head. “Okay, have a good nap buddy, sorry if you hear your mom reaming me a new asshole.”
“Elliot,” she scolds. “Language.”
“He hasn’t even said mama yet, Liv.” Elliot smiles but the look she throws him says now is not the time for jokes.
When she comes back to the living room, clicking Noah’s bedroom door shut, she sees him guiltily staring at his shoes while sitting on her couch. She makes a pit stop in her kitchen, grabbing him a beer and her tall glass of red before she ultimately plops down next to him.
She hands the beer over. “Speak.”
Elliot unscrews the bottle top and takes a swig, shifting uncomfortably on the couch. “So you know, mama had that health scare and she’s been staying with me instead of at her house on Long Beach Island.”
Olivia nods, thinking of the early morning phone call she’d received at the beginning of November about his mother’s minor stroke. She’d scooped up Noah and met him at Mercy, bleary eyed and then stayed, curled up in a plastic hospital chair next to him, head on his shoulder, long after Lucy had picked Noah up.
“Well, last week, at Thanksgiving we were all together for the first time since then, except Kathy and Eli, they were with Mark’s family for Thanksgiving and…” He scratches the bridge of his nose with his thumb. “The kids kept asking me when I’d be having a plus one for Thanksgiving. Kathleen brought her boyfriend, Lizzie brought her girlfriend, Dickie was swiping on some new dating app I’d never heard of while he ate pie. They were incessant. And then mama…” He lets out a deep sigh. “She says that she wants me to be happy and she only sees me happy after I see you and Noah–” They both duck their heads and blush. “And I told her well of course, you’re my best friend and I’m Noah’s godfather and–”
“And what?”
“The kids kept insisting we were dating and my mom got confused and thought that meant we were and she told me I didn’t have to hide it and I could’ve invited you guys to Thanksgiving and they were all talking on top of each other and finally– I just blurted out that yes we were dating but you were still getting in a routine with Noah so we were keeping things private, very private.”
Olivia grabs her glass of wine and downs half of it before she speaks. “Oh.”
“It was like a train wreck. I couldn’t stop it and of course the kids had a million and one questions but God, Liv, they were so happy, I couldn’t tell them then and there I was lying. And mama… she… they all… especially my mom, want you to come by as often as you want, they were all so frenzied about this that we didn’t get around to decorating for Christmas and we’re doing that this weekend and they want you and Noah to be there and of course Christmas. I told them that I don’t want to overwhelm either of you and you might not be by as much as they want and that seemed to placate them but…”
“They still think we’re dating.”
Elliot rests his elbows on his thighs and his head in his hands, peeking a look at her. “Yeah.”
Olivia presses the cold wine glass against her forehead before she speaks. “I would love for Noah to get a big crazy first Christmas because I never did, but I don’t know Elliot… I don’t feel right lying to your family.”
Elliot nods. “I understand. I’ll come clean this weekend and make sure they don’t bug ya.” He places a hand on her thigh. “I just don’t… I don’t wanna confuse mama more but…”
Despite the rapid beat of her heart, despite the overwhelming feeling in her stomach, she swallows hard. “What if we broke up?”
“What?”
She licks her lips. “We pretend through the holidays and ‘break up’ after the new year. That way we can just skirt around the truth with your family.” She worries her bottom lip into her mouth. When he doesn’t respond she looks away, taking a sip of her wine. “Never mind. That was stupid of me to suggest. I’m sorry I–”
“If you’re comfortable, Liv, that would… that would make my mama’s Christmas. She’s already trying her best in PT to use her hands well enough to knit Noah a stocking in time.”
Her heart swells, and tears collect in the corners of her eyes. She glances at Noah’s closed bedroom door and then back at Elliot. Her son deserved this: the big, loud, loving family. Even for just a little while. He deserved an incredible first Christmas, captured on camera with stories for her to tell him for years to come, even if next Christmas it’s back to just the two of them curled up under the tree.
She reaches out, taking his hand off her thigh and holding it in hers. She wishes the next words she utters could be true. But this was for Bernie, and for Noah. “Then let’s do it. For the next four weeks, you’re my boyfriend, Elliot Stabler.”
The Following Weekend
Olivia doesn’t know what she’s walking into when she parks in front of Elliot’s house in Queens that Saturday. She spots scattered piles of unhung Christmas lights in the yard and deflated Christmas lawn decorations as she hoists Noah on her hip. She continues up the steps, and feels more and more uneasy as she does so. She’d be expected to look like she and Elliot were dating, for however long Elliot had insinuated.
Dating.
Fuck.
She swears under her breath, hope her son doesn’t hear with his face nestled into her neck and she presses a kiss to his head. “Mama is doing something crazy, baby boy, but I hope that it means you get the Christmas I never got.” She presses another kiss to his head and finally raises her hand to knock on the door.
No knocking necessary as the door is thrown open and there’s Kathleen on the other side.
“Liv!” She smiles brightly. “And this must be Noah! Come in! It’s freezing!” She steps aside to let Olivia in.
Olivia wipes her feet on the welcome mat and steps in. The house is warm, smells faintly of a savory meat slow cooking along with the whiff of something sweet like cookies baking. The decorating hadn’t started yet, she spots a few stray paper turkeys on the console table just inside the front door and she hears thumping from above, assuming Elliot is probably upstairs in the attic compiling decorations.
“Can I take your coat?” Kathleen asks. “Dad and Dickie are trying to get the tree down, mostly arguing about if they need to buy a new one this year or not, but an attempt is being made!”
Olivia nods and tries to finagle herself out of her coat with Noah in her arms just as another figure comes up behind Kathleen.
“If you need to free up your arms, I’m happy to hold the little man.” Bernie Stabler says with a smile. “I have enough of my strength back, I promise.”
Olivia tenses, she really had no choice with her coat hanging off her on the side she isn’t holding Noah, so she nods and gently passes her son off to the Stabler matriarch. She makes sure he’s secure in Bernie’s arms before she sheds her scarf and coat and hands them off to Kathleen.
When she turns back, her heart squeezes in her chest at the sight of Bernie holding Noah so tenderly. Would Serena have done the same if she’d still been alive? Or would his origins have discouraged a relationship between grandmother and grandson, too painful of a reminder of Olivia’s own beginning? She swallows and offers a brave smile, stepping towards them to unzip Noah’s coat and tugs his tiny arms gently from it, then kisses the top of his head and passes the coat to Kathleen. She’s checking him over for any sign of distress at being in a stranger’s arms (she finds none) just as she hears movement on the stairs.
And there’s Elliot. Grey henley with the sleeves rolled up, jeans, and a backwards baseball cap on. She hides the flush that wants to creep in at how good he looks. Retirement looked good on Elliot. He'd carried so much of who he was expected to be for so long, and not having to be that, to just be Elliot, made her friend come alive more than in the 16 years she'd known him. She liked this side of Elliot. The casual dad DILF side of him. He was the best parts him, the parts that made her fall in love wit him.
“Liv, hey.” He greets and his eyes land on Noah in Bernie’s arms. There’s a softness in his gaze after that as he steps towards the crowd in his foyer. “Hey, Noah.” And the boy, recognizing someone other than his mother, offers Elliot a gummy smile.
Olivia sees Bernie looking between her and Elliot (the somehow growing resemblance between the two men, despite not sharing an ounce of DNA often startled Olivia herself) and she swallows thickly, hoping to change the subject before Bernie does. “Is there anything I can help with?”
“You, me, and grandma are on living room decorating duty.” Kathleen says, looping her arm through Olivia’s. “Dad, Dickie, and Lizzie, are gonna start on the outside decorations. Maureen is gonna come by later, she had a thing with her boyfriend’s family. Eli is sick so he's staying with mom an extra weekend.”
Olivia nods and with both her and Noah free of their coats, she holds out her hands to take him back from Bernie. “I know you said you had your strength back, but I don’t want you to overexert yourself, Bernie. I got him.”
And then Noah immediately twists his little body away from his mother and curls into Bernie.
Olivia and Elliot both balk at her son’s dramatics. “Well, alright then.”
Bernie, proud as a peacock, runs her hand down Noah’s back. “Mmmm that’s right, nothing better than being held by Grandma.” She kisses his head. “You two catch up and I’ll take Noah into the living room with Katie.”
The way Bernie had said ‘catch up’ definitely sounded more like an expectation that they would be throwing themselves at each other, which just raises another flush to Olivia’s cheeks.
And now they’re left in his doorway alone, with the faint sounds of Kathleen and Bernie fawning over Noah behind them.
“Are you sure you’re okay to be here? If it’s too much, just tell them Noah isn’t feeling well and I’ll help you make your exit.” He leans in low so hopeful prying ears can’t hear.
Olivia ducks her head and smiles. “I’m okay for right now, thank you. I think my biggest challenge today is getting my son to leave your mom’s arms without throwing a tantrum.”
“I swear it’s her perfume, it’s like a drug to the kids.”
“Chanel No. 5 with a spritz of White Diamonds?”
“Wow, okay I should've just asked you instead of snooping through her duffel bag to see what perfume she wears for Christmas.”
Olivia just tips her head back and laughs, placing her hand on Elliot’s arm. “My mom used to wear the same combo.”
Elliot offers her a small smile and gestures towards the living room. “I think they’re waiting on you.” He looks to where Bernie and Kathleen immediately distract themselves with Noah, and not appear as if they were trying to read Elliot and Olivia’s lips.
“And I won’t keep you from manual labor outside.”
Elliot offers her a playful scowl and grabs the bag of tools by the door. “Dick! Lizzie! Grab the ladder from the garage! We’ve got lights to hang!”
“When do you guys do the tree?”
“Tree is last, if you can’t stick around because of Noah’s schedule or anything, I understand.”
She shrugs. “I didn’t want to be presumptuous but I did bring his pack’n’play. It’s in my car. Wasn’t sure how late we were welcome.”
“You’re always welcome, for however long you want. I’ll go grab it,” Elliot insists. She offers him her keys and he puts the toolbag down before slipping outside and returning a few minutes later with the pack’n’play.
Without another word, he sets it up and she swallows thickly at the sight of Elliot making sure it’s secure, before he leans down and tickles Noah’s stomach where he sits in Bernie’s lap on the couch. He drops a kiss to the top of Noah’s head, then Bernie, then Kathleen’s before he returns to her.
“All set.” He gestures before picking up the toolbag again.
“Don’t hurt yourself.” She teases as he scowls and slips out the front door.
She turns, still trying to push her nerves away as she steps into the living room. Bernie and Kathleen smile at her and Noah turns his head at the footsteps. She settles on the ottoman in front of the couch and leans over, tickling her son’s stomach.
“How are you adjusting, dear? With Noah? You can be honest. I’ve done this six times.” Bernie bounces Noah in her lap and kisses the top of his head.
Olivia sighs, muscles relaxing, shoulders dropping. “I’m doing okay. I’m pretty much constantly tired, despite spending more time behind a desk as a sergeant cause someone still has trouble sleeping through the night sometimes.” She narrows her eyes playfully at Noah and he offers her a gummy smile. “But really really good. I love him with everything I have.” She leans over, kissing his head. “Something inside me feels settled, like I was always meant to be his mom, not just a mom. From the moment I found him.”
Bernie and Kathleen nod. “Elliot told us about how you found him.”
“And about how you were always going to the hearings for him. I’m sure you’re killin’ it at the mom thing, Liv.” Kathleen nods. “Noah is such a sweet boy.”
“Just wait until he needs a nap, or fed, or his diaper changed,” Olivia teases.
Bernie shifts Noah in her arms and kisses the side of his head as he tucks into her neck. “Oh he’s already much quieter than any of my boys, Elliot included, so I’m sure even then he’s a perfect angel.”
“You’re on for his next diaper change then,” Olivia points at Bernie and the three women laugh.
"And how are things with you and Elliot? Oh I was just so thrilled to find out you two are seeing each other. He's always... brighter almost... content... and definitely happy after he's come from seeing you." Bernie smiles.
Olivia swallows. She could do this. She'd give Bernie a general enough answer that didn't feel like lying and all would be well. "Elliot's my best friend-" Truth. "He and I are great." Another truth. "Seeing him with Noah is everything I hoped for when I wanted to become a parent. He's the most important person to me other than my son." Vulnerable but true. "And I'm really happy to be here and give Noah this great big first Christmas."
"The first of many!" Kathleen cheers. "Noah's already an unofficial Stabler."
The way Kathleen says it, makes Olivia think the girl is heavily implying until he officially becomes a Stabler and she tries her best to hide her disappointment, knowing it'll never be true. She does so with a change of subject. “Okay, what can I help with?”
“Well, dad might have mentioned but we do the tree last and so we’ll just swap out any lingering fall decorations for the Christmas ones from that bin.” Kathleen points to a grey tote on the floor in front of the fireplace. “And then we’ll probably have to poke our heads outside and ask Dickie and Lizzie to come help us finish up cause they’ll be driving dad crazy while hanging the outdoor lights.”
Olivia lets out a laugh at the mental image and nods. “Okay. Hand me some tinsel and we’ll get started.”
It doesn’t take her and Kathleen very long to decorate the whole living room. They cleared away the pre-determined space for the tree and walked towards the front door to observe their handiwork.
“I think the Stabler family living room is officially Christmas-fied!” Kathleen holds her hand up to Olivia to high five and Olivia obliges with a laugh.
She glances to the couch, where Bernie and Noah have both dozed off, Noah sleeping soundly on the older woman’s chest, pacifier halfway hanging out of his mouth. Olivia reaches into her purse and pulls out her phone to snap the picture, she just can’t help herself.
For a moment she completely forgets the false pretenses that have brought her here. For just a split second she’s in a parallel universe where she and Elliot are together, Bernie is and forever will be Noah’s grandmother. Kathleen is not just her former partner’s daughter but something closer to a step-daughter, and Noah will grow up seeing Elliot as his father. It’s all too easy to picture.
Until there’s shouting from outside. She feels like she’s been doused in a bucket of fresh snow and she sighs. She isn't Elliot’s girlfriend, not really. She is in her former partner’s house, the one he’d kept after his divorce from Kathy. The shooting at the precinct had been his wife’s final straw, and until they decided who kept the house (ultimately Elliot after Kathy almost immediately started dating her now husband Mark) he’d couch surfed between hers, Fin’s, and Munch’s couches for months while he figured out his retirement and processed the trauma.
Munch and Fin had even made comments surprised they weren’t dating by now, Elliot being single for more than a year at this point.
She’s thrown back to the last time he and Kathy separated and how had that ended? With her heart shattering her in a courthouse when he told her Kathy was pregnant with Eli.
After everything, the two days Lewis had held her, until Elliot had found her (though that never made it into IAB’s official record), finding Noah, getting the chance to foster Noah, she couldn’t risk her heart and give her son the life he deserved.
But she could give him the first Christmas he deserved.
And that somehow meant letting Elliot’s entire family think they were dating.
“Liz! For fuck’s sake I said to the LEFT!” She hears Dickie yell.
“Language!” And there’s Elliot, like she didn’t hear him say the word at least once an hour.
“Yeah Dickwad, LANGUAGE!” Lizzie mocks.
There’s indistinct grumblings until finally the front door opens and the twins bumble inside, glaring at each other before Lizzie storms upstairs and Dickie makes a beeline for the kitchen.
Olivia shakes her head. “Do we need to go talk to them?”
Kathleen shakes her head. “Nah they do this every year. Dickie will eventually offer some leftover pie as a peace offering, all will be forgiven. Dad is usually left to finish hanging the lights by himself though.”
Olivia clasps her hands together. “I’ll go see if he needs help.” Was she avoiding the opportunity for Kathleen to ask more prying questions about her and Elliot’s would-be relationship? Maybe. She places her hand on Kathleen’s arm. “Will you come get me if Noah wakes up fussy?”
Kathleen nods. “Course! Take some mistletoe to hang out there while you’re at it. Though I’m sure dad doesn’t need an excuse to kiss you.” Kathleen elbows her playfully.
Olivia blushes and heads towards the coat closet, grabbing her jacket and slipping it on before she goes outside. She stands on the stoop, arms crossed as she looks to her right and sees the ladder and Elliot’s legs as a string of lights swing.
“Need some help, partner?”
The string of lights still and Elliot backs down a few rungs of the ladder. His face is flushed from the manual labor in the cold and putting on his best dad voice five minutes ago. Her breath hitches, he does look good, still in the backwards baseball cap, winter coat shed on the ground.
“What are you doing out here? Where’s Noah?” And it’s endearing really, his mind immediately going to her son and his safety.
“He’s currently dead to the world, asleep on your mom. Who is also taking a nap.” She laughs and steps closer to the ladder, standing at the base now.
Elliot thinks for a moment and then nods. “So everything is going okay?”
“Everything is actually really good. Your living room is fully decked out except for the tree and they haven’t asked too many overly personal questions. Not about us anyways.” She smiles.
Elliot tosses the remaining bit of lights onto the roof and they catch in the gutter so they don’t fall and he starts to make his way down the ladder. “I like the sound of that. You know– even with what they think is going on between us– you deserve a good Christmas, Liv. And I hope spending it with us can do that.”
“I am excited for Noah to have a really great first Christmas.” She nods in agreement.
“You’re allowed to want a good Christmas for yourself, too, you know.”
Olivia’s cheeks flush and she shakes her head. “I get that already by being Noah’s mom. Best gift I could’ve ever asked for.”
“You are great at it.” He says and gets to the final two rungs of the ladder when his boots slip. Olivia reaches out to steady him and the ladder. Elliot pitches to the side and before she knows it, she’s falling and twisting. She lands on top of Elliot with them both letting out a loud “OOF!” and she laughs.
“This probably would’ve been a softer landing if it’d snowed recently.” Elliot laughs. “Sorry.”
Olivia shakes her head, still holding onto him for dear life and stares into his baby blues. “It’s okay. You got me just in time. Are you okay?”
“Great.” The way he says it is slow and gravely and his eyes shift to something more sincere, intense, almost, romantic? And her breath hitches.
She licks her lips as their breaths visibly mingle in the cold December air around them. “I uhh–”
“LIV!” She hears Kathleen’s voice from behind them. “Noah’s awake!- Ew dad can you make out with Liv somewhere other than our front lawn?”
Elliot groans, head falling to the ground beneath him. “We’ll be inside in just a sec, Kathleen!”
“Gross,” is all she says and slams the front door shut.
Olivia shakes her head. “Well look at that, we convinced them we are in fact dating and didn’t even have to kiss.” She finally stands and holds out her hand to help him up.
Elliot’s finally vertical and she’s turning to head back inside, brushing the dead grass off her coat, when she hears him. “Yeah. We’re great actors.”
And as she pushes open the door, she pushes away the fleeting thought that he sounds disappointed.