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She could feel the rain on her skin, dripping where her umbrella covered her not, where the fabric clenched and warped and weighted her in the taste of white noise and freshly hewn mud from the face of the earth. Her hands carried a mere purple parasol that was not nearly waterproof enough to hold back a torrent. The poor thing was trying its best to keep dry the caramelized hair and black capelets of an undeserving friend.
A foreign name, a foreign script, yet readable all the same, carved into the rough texture of grainy granite, written on a small headstone that rested in front of her. Not the one they had for her abroad, but the one here at home.
The one without the fancy funeral and built with whatever Renko had saved up after she... gave up.
It's the one that she takes care of. The one that gets her flowers every single day from whatever's leftover from her share of the book royalties. A little garden a ways away from everything else on a little plot owned by no one in particular, not too far from all the nostalgia and all the places that they both had the courage to investigate.
A purple hyacinth.
A striped carnation.
A white poppy.
A small shrub of anemone.
A red camellia.
A white one.
A yellow one.
A cutting of hibiscus.
And roses.
Far too many roses in all the strange colors scientists have gotten it to work with. It's kind of the easiest to get, even if it's so far from its home country. Easy to grow, too.
So, even if she might not always bring something new, she doesn't have to think too much when adding another little cutting to the collection.
But if they keep on growing, they might be a hassle once she hits year two or three of this operation.
She sighs.
That's... very much okay with her, though.
It's not like she has anymuch in particular she wants to do. Just be with Merry for a bit. Or be where her spirit might have ended up if she ever decided to do a home world visit from the afterlife.
Maybe it's nice there in the other world for Merry.
Maybe she's already visiting.
Watching over her as she thoughtlessly thinks to herself about these stupid things.
It's not like she has too much to say anyways.
It feels a little too late for an apology.
For not being there at the right place and the right time to save her.
For not doing what she promised... for not keeping Merry grounded. Keeping her sane. Letting her spiral because she didn't bother herself enough to worry too much about it.
Because she never really had much of a spine to confront the things she didn't have an approach to.
Because Merry was complicated and lovely and sweet and she didn't want to damage their relationship by asking if something was wrong when Merry seemed like she was about to break from any little thing but if she just—
"It's okay, you know?"
A giggle ran out behind her, washing out into the noise of the rain.
It was as if a little hug came in from her back, a cold touch of gentle embraces she longed to have. A moment plucked right out of a day in yesteryear.
Yet, there didn't seem to be anyone there.
"Merry!"
She shouted into the sprouting little garden. She wandered into and out of it, leaving her parasol behind as she ran in her formal little dress shoes she always wore when she visited to look a little better. Mud and dirt and water seeping into her clothes, the stain a future Renko problem as she chased that feeling of cold around each step off and on the beaten path.
"Merry?"
She said again, in a whisper.
"Maeriberii Ha'an."
"Maribel Hearn."
"Merry."
"Please. Please don't leave me."
She could hear the torrent of the rain on her skin as it lingered with a taste of slightly acidic water and dirt and dust stinging on her lips. The chorus of a million pitter patters harmonizing up as they fell onto metal and stone and wood and dirt and mud and water. The wind pushing and fluttering every single soaked piece of fabric on her person, the gale ruthless as it swept up leaves and branches and everything else in a brilliant march of noise and clatter and a hundred faint whispers she could barely even hear.
But it wasn't Merry.
It wasn't that sweet silly little creature she loved.
It wasn't... it wasn't the woman she failed.
It wasn't anything but perhaps her lucid imagination, taunting her with a memory long past.
And she wasn't...
Wasn't with anyone at all.
…
Alone.
Whispering to voices in her head.
That's what she was.
There were a hundred thousand thousand moments where she and Merry spent time together. And she was...
—Was somewhere back there, for a moment.
Somewhere in between all the things they dared themselves to do, in the quiet moments of an apology she did get to say.
...
But, really, did it matter that she was already too late?
That she would never get to change her mistake.
That's... how it goes for all mistakes.
She just had to give out her apology.
"Merry."
"If... If you're really out there, somewhere."
"I'm sorry. And I love you."
"...sorry."
The girl ran away, parasol retaken and dirty and wet from all the rain...
...
...
...Only to come back on the next day.
The morning tasted like honeydew and cotton, like earth and bitter sweetness and the bark of burnt maple trees. There were still tears in her eyes, a blubbering, bubbling feeling in her chest, the constrictions of a thousand words she had never brought herself to say. Or perhaps a picture she cannot bear not to think of, one she could not part with.
A fantasy, so to speak.
She was clinging onto it by the chains of every little bit of feeling in her heart, every little fleeting moment she spent with her before it fades out of clear memory. A sort of double vision to see what isn't to be seen, lost in a reality that is no longer reality. Looking for bits and pieces in an utter moment of confirmation bias, trying to...
To...
Understand.
Trying to know the unknowable.
It's sort of science, in a way.
She walked into it, falling for the traps and vices of every grieving day. Remembering what was in replacement of what is—
April 17, 21XX, Kyoto University
Light pierced through the veil of the moody morning melancholy of the misery-making Monday. One of many first days in a very, very long time. There were cherry blossoms still hanging in the air, slowly stripped from their branches as the wind brushed them off with gentle grace. Her walk towards class was slow as she came neither too early nor too late — plenty of time to look around the campus, but not enough of it to linger.
A flier was carried around in her hand, something she had to do as part of an alumni thing her family had going on. This was the Secret Sealing Club's grand revival. Yet, without any connections or particular interest, it looks like it might have to stay in the dust.
It wasn't... a particularly flashy promotion, completely handmade in a couple hours on the presentation software she had pre-installed on her laptop. But, it looked nice-enough to join. She would join a "Secret Sealing Club" if it was advertised like this!
...
No interest yet, though.
She even wore her fancier clothes today to really get into the mood of it, the hat, the capelets, the—
"Excuse me," echoed out in a perfect, if a bit usually unaccented English. A pleasant smile placed itself in front of her, with a pretty weave of blonde hair glittering under the simmer of morning light.
Someone interested!
She needed to make a good impression— "Do you know where... the, uh, School of Letters building is? I have an ethics class I need to take in an hour."
Oh...
"It's just over there, on the same side as the cafeteria." she puts on a smile. "Goodluck on your classes!"
The mysterious foreigner seemed to walk away after that, running along in her adorable purple dress and white mob cap. It was unusual, but fascinating, going abroad in Japan to pursue her studies...
Before turning right around and walking right back towards Renko.
"Well, I also wanted to know a bit more about this Hifuu Club you have going on. What's it even about?" she grabs one of the fliers, inspecting it before stuffing it into her bag.
"It's a club about investigating the occult in the boundaries of the world!"
"The boundaries?"
"The forefront of mysterious and unexplainable phenomena approached logically and scientifically."
"Mmm... I'll consider joining. We need a club for our first year here right?"
Renko nods. "The first one is mandatory, but you're free to take as many as you want."
"Write me down on your member list, then." the girl winks, "I'm Maribel Hearn, a Relative Psychology major."
"Maeriberii Ha'an?" she repeats to herself, "I'm Usami Renko. Super-unified Physics major."
"...Just call me Merry, then." she brings out her phone. "Do you have any classes after four?"
"Uhm— I don't think so!" she replied, pressing her phone against Merry's. A buzz of a small motor inside signifies a swap of contacts. "I'll send a message if anything comes up. You can decide on where we'd meet if you want."
"Aren't there other members?"
"...Not yet."
A sweet giggle escapes from her lips, a breathful, joyous little thing. "Then I guess that makes us partners, right?"
"Partners. Right..." she nods, finding herself in a smile at the laughter—
June 19, 21XX, Cafe de Lune
Merry stormed in from the door of the cafe with a very heavy expression somewhere across the frown on their face. Dressed in purple and white, plopping themselves down in the seat.
"What happened?" Renko asked, as she waved down a waiter with their coffee. "You need help—"
A ticket slammed into the table, a small, if a little sad fine, along with the statement "Property Damage" written across it.
"This happened."
"You were a... little reckless with the gravestone." Renko pulled the slip a little closer, "We did break it."
"Oh? It's not for that, I made sure to cover our tracks." Merry giggled, as if a little proud. "We're apparently really good at breaking and entering aren't we?"
"Uhm... yeah. We are." she smiled along with her—
August 7, 21XX, Kyoto Imperial Garden
"Do you think we'd be able to see any boundaries here, Merry?" Renko stared at some of the traditionally made walls as they walked past, layers of shingles and finely made wood layered on top of each other like a little fortress. "Maybe one between modernity and tradition?"
"I don't think I'm nearly strong enough to see that yet." Merry tilted her head. "But, if you think about it, everything about Japan would be in that boundary. Especially you."
"Especially me?"
"You're literally trying to investigate things from tradition in a modern perspective! Continuing the traditions of a long-dead club!" the girl giggled at the sheer denseness of her partner. "Have a little more self-awareness, Renko—"
October 30, 21XX, Hifuu Club Room
"I reckon we could spot a couple youkai tonight, what do you think, Merry?"
"Boo!" An adorable vampire dressed herself in purple and black tonight, losing the mob cap.
"That's so cute!" Renko giggled, "It's not even—"
February 12, 21XX, Merry's Sole Mathematics Class—
September 24, 21XX, On the Banks of—
December 17, 21XX, Suwa Lake—
May 6, 21XX, Shinkansen—
July 15, 21XX, Toky—
November 18, 21XX—
January 13, 21—
August 10—
October 12
February 16
June 22
July 13
May 17
Oct 5
Dec 7
Jan 3
04/13
04/25
03/18
06/13
07/02
11/28
09/10 12/25
12/07 09/10 06/20
10/01 09/17 11/06 06/24
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07/28 10/30 10/22 06/09 10/01 10/03 08/07 11/01 02/13 02/14 07/14 12/17 10/16 10/18 04/13 01/21 03/12 03/30 09/22 07/29 03/10 07/30 09/12 03/01 11/22 08/19 09/27 09/26 03/30 03/09 01/02 06/23 03/25 03/07 04/07 02/03 05/09 01/06 06/26 —
And then one day.
One day.
One day,
One day...
One day.
She woke up, texted her. Greeted her with all the normal flairs of bored greetings and pained messages about morning classes to no response.
Went to her apartment.
Searched every piece of woodland in the Kyoto area.
Every single spot of minor and major spiritual significance.
Everywhere you might have been, even the ones not on the police report.
And one morning.
And another.
And the one after that.
And again.
And again.
And again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again—
And she just. Had to wake up one day. one morning. and say to herself that...
That.
That..
That....
She's gone.
Merry was gone.
No matter how much she might've hoped she wasn't. That little piece of her happiness was leaving her behind in this little garden. To bury her without bones and without a face.
To love a person written out of history. Written out of existence by some cruel and malicious fate beyond her control.
Today was June 27, 21XX.
...
"Happy Birthday, Maribel." she places a present onto the gravestone. Another bundle of flowers. Hyacinths. "I'm sorry."
She leaned her head onto the cold granite, sighing as she rested, bringing out a bottle of wine from a different box, along with a few glasses.
"I was saving this for when we both turned twenty-five. It's... from the Old Adam Bar. I got it while you were busy scrutinizing other people's stories." Renko giggled to herself, "Saving it for when our livers were a little more mature..."
"Here's..." she poured, into her glass and into Merry's, "...to everything you did in your life. Everything we did together. Everything we almost did together. And... everything we never got to do."
She downs the cup, the gentle sting of alcohol warming up her face. "Happy Birthday, Merry. I love you... you sweet, wonderful, brilliant woman."
"And even if you'll never hear it, I love you. Even if you've never loved me back. Even if we were just friends for most of it. Even if... even if... "
...
God.
"Even if I'm just here— here, alone, drinking and crying by your grave- I-I love you. I love you."
"I miss you. And... just..."
"Please.... ugh... please come back. Please."
"Sorry." she sighed again. "Just... be okay out there in the universe. This... cruel and indifferent little universe of ours. The one you lived in with me. The one where... we were happy for a long pretty while."