Work Text:
Annie: Jeff, I'm all alone in bed trembling and I really need your help. Can you come over as soon as you can? Make sure you bring protection!
Jeff: Annie... wow. Okay. Look, I'm flattered, but you're eighteen and I just got back from a really good date that I have a follow-up to, so I think maybe we should both forget you sent this message.
Annie: What’s that got to do with anything?
Annie: I think the homeless guy that lives outside my building - the one who always tries to get me to call him ‘Spaghetti’ - is trying to break in. Can you bring a baseball bat or something?
Jeff: Ah…
Jeff: That makes more sense. I’ll come straight over. What’s your address?
Annie: Never mind. He’s just walked off.
Jeff: You sure?
Annie: Yep. Sorry for waking you.
Jeff: No worries. Don’t worry about contacting me late at night if it happens again.
Jeff: See you tomorrow.
Annie: Thanks! Goodnight, Jeff :)
Annie: Jeff! Emergency! I need you. I'm alone and something needs to get stuffed ASAP.
Annie: I need your big hands.
Annie: …and don’t tell anyone.
Jeff: ???
Annie: I’m in the home ec kitchen preparing the turkey for a surprise Thanksgiving dinner for the group. I've never stuffed a turkey before and my hands are too small. You’ll be able to reach inside better.
Jeff: This shirt is Italian silk. Exposure to turkey juice is not in its future.
Annie: Jeff, I've been working on this for three hours. I bought all the ingredients with my own money because I wanted to do something nice for everyone. For you. But if you're too worried about your shirt...
Jeff: This isn’t going to work on me this time.
Annie: I understand. I'll just tell everyone tomorrow that I tried to make a nice surprise Thanksgiving dinner for everyone but couldn't finish it because you were too busy protecting your precious silk.
Jeff: FINE. I'm coming.
Annie: I'm having trouble getting the position right. I've been trying different angles with it for 20 minutes and I'm getting all worked up. Can you come and show me what I’m doing wrong?
Jeff: Before I respond to that, what is the "it" in this scenario?
Annie: The Dean has asked me to put up a news article of our victory in the debate over City College in the trophy case but I can’t get the nail in properly.
Jeff: Fine. But Annie, you have got to see how these read!
Annie: Are you free? I want to try that thing we discussed. I've bought some knee pads so I can stay down there for as long as it takes.
Jeff: WHAT thing we discussed??
Annie: The CPR training.
Annie: Remember after Pierce faked a heart attack to get out of his oral exam, I suggested we should all do a bit of first aid in case we ever have a ‘Boy Who Cried Wolf’ situation.
Jeff: Annie, for both our sakes, please could you add context to your texts BEFORE the suggestive part, not after.
Annie: What do you mean?
Annie: Jeff, can you come to the study room? I'm dripping wet and desperately need a big strong man to help me.
Jeff: Okay, I'm starting to think you do this on purpose. What is it now?
Annie: My jacket zipper is stuck! I got caught in the rain and now I can't get it unzipped. Please? I have an exam in 10 minutes.
Jeff: On my way.
Jeff: But we're workshopping your texting skills when I get there.
Annie: Jeff! I need you here NOW. I'm ready to go but I can't do this alone. It’s really big and I need someone experienced to show me how to handle it properly.
Jeff: Let me guess. Furniture? Appliance? Heavy object?
Annie: Power drill! I bought one to hang shelves but I'm scared I'll drill through a pipe or something. You've used one before, right?
Jeff: Yes. Coming now. But next time try: "Hi Jeff - I need some help putting up some shelves."
Annie: Are you busy? I want to try doing it from behind and I want to do you first.
Jeff: What innocent thing are you doing now?
Annie: I need to retake the headshots of the study group that I took for my photography class because of the shadows. If I put the lighting behind you rather than in front, it should solve the problem.
Jeff: Sure. But maybe rephrase that text before you send it to anyone else.
Jeff: Especially Pierce!
Annie: Why?
Jeff: No reason.
Annie: Can you come help? It's bigger than I expected and I don't think I can take the whole thing by myself.
Jeff: Right. Deep breath. What won't fit where?
Annie: My couch delivery! It won't fit through the door. I think we need to tilt it or take the legs off or something.
Jeff: You know, I think I'm actually starting to build up an immunity to these now.
Jeff: 5 PM okay?
Annie: Help! It’s malfunctioning and won't stop! It's vibrating out of control and making so much noise! I need to stop it before my neighbours start to complain about the whining.
Jeff: On my way. What is it this time?
Annie: My blender! It's stuck on high and it's shaking so violently I'm afraid to touch it!
Jeff: Just unplug it.
Annie: ...Oh.
Annie: Sorry! Don’t know why I didn’t think of that.
Jeff: No worries. At least this one had a simple solution. Usually I have to actually show up.
Annie: Can you help me get inside? I've tried everything, but it's still really tight.
Jeff: Sure, Annie. What are we opening today?
Annie: The package of books I ordered for the new semester has arrived at the library but the plastic is sealed so tight I can't tear it. Do you have any scissors?
Jeff: I’m on my way to the study room anyway but the library should have some at the front desk.
Annie: Jeff, can you stop by? I'm trying to get it in the hole but it keeps slipping. I think I need to hold the flap back while you force it in.
Jeff: Plug under your desk?
Annie: Yes.
Annie: Wait.
Annie: How did you know?
Jeff: I'm becoming fluent in Annie-crisis text.
Annie: Come quickly. You’re about to be screwed in the biology room.
Jeff: On my way.
Jeff: I’ve given up asking at this point.