Chapter Text
The first time it had happened, the majority of the team had laughed their asses off and was unconsolable for the next several days. Not even Blazer could pry the full story from anyone on the team without them breaking down, lest at all from Robert, and it became a sort of an inside joke initially.
"Watch out for the goon whisperer," They'd joked to other coworkers, earning Robert more curious glances. "He might take over LA if we weren't looking."
As earlier on that accursed day, Robert was right in the midst of his usual dispatching shift when a golden rift shattered open right under his chair. He barely had the time to blink before he comically dropped into someone's house that had seen better days.
And out of anyone he had ever expected to spontaneously abduct him, it was the guy he had faced once during his pre-coma nap Mechaman days. The name escapes him now-- it was some low grade goon who had a very understandable crashout against his asshole employee and created huge rifts into the fabric of reality to 'destroy this world as we know it', but Robert remembers clearly how the 'fight' ended.
If the SDN had those stat graph data on him, he would've maxed out his conversationalist level already. And this was not a brag, all Robert did was that he tried to empathize with the villain whose life was certainly in a midlife crisis and the guy just bursted into tears and started clinging onto his mech suit in a desperate embrace. It was very baby koala-esque all things considered.
They never actually caught the guy since, surprise surprise, guy with portalling power can just vanish at the drop of danger. But it was still a very memorable time for Robert to have an encounter not end up with a massive bill to foot for repairs.
And right now, the same goon was shit-faced drunk in his civvies of a faded band t-shirt, short khakis and mismatched socks. His nose is noticeable red, and Robert politely didn't react to him crying openly.
"Oh shit." The guy grumbled, staring up to Robert before scrambling around his pockets. "Are you my doordash driver?" He didn't wait for an answer as he found his phone and furiously scrolled on it, probably double-checking his order.
"Uhhh no. I'm never working under food service ever again."
Portal guy blinked, increasingly chagrined.
"So what use are you to me right now?"
Now is probably not a good time to switch on the wireless headset that was still on his head-- especially with the cutting glare the guy was directing at him, but the urge to call for help is very tempting right now.
Robert took his time to answer him, choosing to swivel his chair left and right in contemplation. It left behind quite a squeaky noise that thankfully didn't aggravate the (ex?)-villain.
"I don't know. Why did you summon me here specifically then?"
"I wanted Mechaman." The guy whispered, eyes blinking up again with a fresh batch of tears. "He was so cool back then, listening to a-- hic-- nobody like mee..."
"And somehow you mixed up Mechaman with me, a nobody from corporate."
"I'm sorryy, the powers man-- they just, they just activate and ruined my life. Dummy dummy, nothing but a waste!"
Great. Seems like the guy haven't went into therapy like he suggested months ago.
"Wow. Listen, you look like a guy who's lost right now in the world--"
"I AM! I really am, lost, I can portal anywhere and still I don't know where I'm headed." The guy made an odd 'hoo hoo hoo' noise. What an interesting character. "I am a ship with no captain, headed nowhere and everywhere."
"-- right... so you clearly just need a clear sense of direction right now." Robert none-too-subtly tapped on his headset to reconnect back to his team. He's well and done with this eggshell of a conversation, as he prefer the comfortable atmosphere of talking in his bullpen thank you very much.
And to think that he once considered the office as a safe haven...
"FINALLY. Chase said you disappeared in a puff of yellow, whatever that means, so Mal is out of the suspect list immediately. Where the hell are you?" Prism asked immediately before the others can, with accompanying "yeahs!" from the background.
Maybe it's not a good idea to try and subtly hint them that he's in a middle of a conversation with a stranger, but he can't help but want to reassure the team that he was okay after disappearing.
But multitasking. He can do that. It was in the dispatching 101 guidebook after all.
"And I know it might seem... tough, trying to find purpose again in you life after, what, spending so much of your effort being someone's underling, but I promise you things will get better, if you want to be better."
"I do... I miss... I miss being useful with my powers." He sniffed, eyes lost in memory. "But I teared my old boss into three ways with my portals, nobody wants a goon who can do that. Nobody wants a goon far stronger than you can handle."
"Bob-bob, where the hell are you? Who is that sad bitch you're talking to?" Flambae asked, incredulous.
"From uh, what I remember... from the news... you were pretty competent with how you controlled your powers. You wanted your shit boss gone, so you did, heaven knows how often I wanted to shake my old manager for asking the impossible out of me-- err, maybe not to the point of killing them but you understand my point."
Robert sighed, and continued.
"I know a lot of places that would still hire you despite your background, so you can be useful again. Maybe not as a villain anymore, I feel like that's not a healthy environment for you, but you can be worth something in your mind. There will be people out there who would kindly accept you. There will be a world still waiting for you."
"..."
Oh no. Robert recognized that wild look in his eyes. It's the face of someone's who's gonna suggest the most idiotic idea in the world and expect to be rewarded for it. It's a face he knows quite well after working with the Z-team so closely.
"You're really convincing you know that? Maybe it's the voice. You sound like someone with authority, someone who knows what he's doing." Shakily, the guy stood up and promptly kneeled in front of Robert like he's royalty. Robert carefully pushed the chair back a little to preserve his personal space. "I would follow you, I think. You seem kind. I could break people into pieces if you ask."
A howl of laughter echoed in the voice chat. Seems like they caught the tails of that conversation with the close proximity. Just another thing Robert has to suffer through.
"Uh the fuck did I just hear?"
"YOOOO congrats on getting your first goon Bobbert, knew you had it in you!"
"I think that's the fastest I've heard someone fold just from acting nice. You're a dangerous man Robert."
"So no MTG session this night Robertson the Third? I was... looking forward to it..."
"Pause. Hold on." Robert pinched the bridge of his nose and felt like he was rapidly aging at the moment-- probably what Chase had to go through whenever he handled the Z-team before him, poor bastard. Suffering through his power wasn't enough of a curse in his retirement.
"Right focus, I need you guys to save me right the fuck now before I get into a gang or something."
"Right behind you," Malevola said, still chuckling in amusement. "Chase's been trying to identify your location with the headset's signal, I should be geared up to portal in."
But mistaking his words as a confession for help, the goon jumped up and looked around with startling clarity. It's like a total shift from his earlier pathetic demeanor as he prowled around protectively, not unlike a lion guarding his steak.
"I'll .... I'll protect you." He snarled. "No gangs will steal you boss. Together, we will be unstoppable." Oh my god he has reverted back to textbook npc dialogue like a sleeper agent. Robert needs OUT.
CRACK.
And there's Malevola's own signature portal being opened right in front of him. Thank fuck. She seems unhurried, judging by her business-casual smile, but the subtle crease in her brows made Robert wonder if she was worried for him.
Realization sets in for the goon quick at her sudden appearance. Teleportation powers are quite rare so it's possible they're well acquainted with one another's existence before, judging by the grimace he now sports.
"YOU! YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM!" Mal didn't even have time to reply before the goon started tearing the world apart in a rain of glinting, cascading gold.
What follows is the most intense fight that has ever transpired between two portal users. Robert wouldn't be able to tell you how they've even moved throughout it, as there's portals atop other portals being made. He sees one of Malevola's briefly opened up to the SDN's break room, and he tiredly waved at a very confused Royd. At one point, someone pulled in a boulder and destroyed a portion of the back wall.
He swore he even saw Malevola actually being cut in half from a rift placement before the air around her shivered. She had stabbed open a new portal to make her limbs reconnect back. It was utterly incomprehensible.
It seemed like Malevola was even having fun...? Yeah no, he needed to end this now.
"GOON!" Robert shouted, cringing at the word use in the current internet era, but it did the job.
Like an overeager dog, the idiot forgot he was in the middle of fighting and snapped towards Robert. "BOSS?"
And that was exactly the split second distraction that Malevola needed to tackle the guy and beat him up unconscious. He ended up puking on himself before passing out, so Malevola simply cut open a portal underneath him to the SDN's holding cell-- a direct parody to what happened to Robert in the first place.
Robert barely left his chair through all this, and he's grateful because he would rather not leave it anytime soon.