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Looking up at the ceiling, Kaeya had gotten an odd feeling from his brother for the past few days. The young knight prided himself on his investigative skills, but nothing was amiss with any of Diluc’s surroundings. Their father had been just as supportive as ever, and his occasional disappointed comments sparked a much different reaction. A conversation revealed that Diluc’s work as Cavalry Captain was in a slow period at the moment, so he wasn’t stressed out at work. Looking over at his brother, all Kaeya could do was press his lips together in thought.
Diluc had always been good at smiling when things got tough. It was what made the people around him happy, and Varka had even encouraged it at times. Kaeya didn’t quite agree that it was the best option, but frequent cracks in his facades and confidence were too blatant for a good brother to ignore. Perhaps it had to do with his 17th birthday arriving soon, but he was always extremely excited about birthdays. It all made very little sense. The memories resurfaced after a moment or two of thinking, down to the odd fashion in which Diluc had been moving. The awkward momentum of his hands while holding his sword was something that even the most unobservant treasure hoard could notice. It reminded him of the way that Diluc would fidget with his vision whenever he lied to their father, but he hadn’t yet said anything that could warrant such a behavior. He was uncharacteristically quiet, spacing out a little more than normal.
It was in the way he walked, as if every step had to be perfect. Each time his heel came in contact with the floor, he seemed convinced that each step was a display of strength and confidence. Every one was slow and calculated, but it all seemed a little extra paranoid to Kaeya. He thought that nobody saw the way he would walk around on his platforms whenever he was alone, but that had all but stopped entirely. Each time that he caught himself with his heels off of the ground, they shifted back down. It had been something that made him happy for years, but the sudden halting of behaviors like that were enough for alarms to ring in his ears. Many of his interests in his appearance had suddenly stopped, abandoning clothing accessories entirely and stopping at brushing his hair instead of styling it properly. He almost seemed uncomfortable everywhere that he went, despite wearing the clothes that had been tailored to his comfort.
Diluc was reading a book right now, though Kaeya couldn’t quite see what it was about. He was holding it fairly close to his chest, but that wasn’t too far out of the ordinary. He’d always been embarrassed about reading the cheesy romance that he liked. At least that hadn’t faded along with his other hobbies, to which Kaeya felt somewhat relieved. There were still things that he recognized; for one, Diluc wasn’t flipping any of the pages. It was obvious that he was only pretending to read it while thinking about something else, or it was some kind of knight handbook that he didn’t want to read.
“What’cha reading, Luc?” Kaeya looked over at Diluc, who seemed almost startled by his voice.
“What?” Diluc flipped a page, already knowing he was caught. “Bird encyclopedia. You know, what I always read.” Though, judging by the lack of pictures, Diluc was probably lying. He had never been good at lying to anyone, but Kaeya was impossible to fool.
“Really? Come on, you memorized that thing years ago. What’s on your mind?” Kaeya walked over to sit on the end of his brother’s bed, as the book was put on the nightstand. He managed to catch a glimpse of the cover– a pretty woman holding a small mirror while winking at her reflection. It didn’t look like a fairy tale, nevermind a bird encyclopedia. Still, it probably wouldn’t be good to corner him if he had something to admit.
Diluc frowned, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear. “It’s really nothing, Kae. Just… thinking about something? I don’t want to talk about it.” That much was an odd sentiment. He liked to tell Kaeya everything, and it was hard to get him to stop talking once he’d started thinking about things. The only thing that sparked any kind of reaction like this was their father criticising him somehow, even if it was small. That couldn’t be it, though. Master Crepus was in an excellent mood, and had only recently returned from a business trip. He’d hardly had time to find something wrong, and they both seemed happy with each other.
“Is it a secret? Come on, I promise I won’t spill. Is it about Jean?” Taking the chance to tease his brother, a glint of pink dusted the other boy’s cheeks. He always babbled nonstop about his crush on their fellow knight, so maybe something happened between them. He doubted that she rejected him, at the very least. Diluc would’ve certainly told Kaeya if he planned to confess before Windblume anyway.
Managing to crack a small smile, Diluc shook his head before leaning back on his pillows. “No, no, I just… Found out something. No, figured it out. It’s hard to see things the same way.”
As soon as the words left his lips, the room seemed to run cold. Kaeya felt his jaw tighten as it all dawned on him. Diluc knew. He must’ve known everything. Kaeya hadn’t been careful enough, he’d slipped up somewhere. He heard his heart beat loudly in his chest, forcing his best smile. “Not many options for world shattering secrets, right? Must be pretty important.”
“World shattering.” Diluc mumbled, avoiding Kaeya’s eye. He almost seemed unfocused, as if he wasn’t fully engaged in the conversation. To be fair, Kaeya wasn’t either. Diluc couldn’t find out about Khaenri’ah, it would destroy everything. This was his worst nightmare. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“For sure.” Kaeya kept up the smile. If he flinched or slipped up any more, it could all come crashing down. “What book were you reading, anyway? Catching up on any history?” The topic change wasn’t very smooth, but he couldn’t risk any more of this conversation. If the book was about Khaenri’ah, somehow, then he needed to swipe it as soon as he could. Diluc couldn’t find out anything more, if he was looking into it. He needed so much more time if it was all going to come out.
Going silent for a moment, Diluc picked up the book again. “A book about girly things. I was looking for a birthday present for Barbara.” Thankfully, he seemed just as eager to get off of the topic of Kaeya’s spyhood.
“Her birthday’s over a month away. You’re rather early, aren’t you? I suppose I should get on that, too.” Kaeya nodded, grabbing the other end of the book. “You should really focus on your birthday, shouldn’t you? It’s the day after tomorrow. You aren’t excited?”
“I’ve got a lot on my mind. Of course I’m excited, but things feel different this year.” Diluc’s admission did nothing to help with Kaeya’s anxieties. How much did he know if it was enough to ruin his birthday? He really should start explaining his side before assumptions are made, but he also had a duty to hide the plot for as long as possible. He wasn’t ready for everything to collapse, not yet.
“I bet you do.” Barely managing to choke out the words, the blunette had some thinking of his own to do. What would he even say to explain himself? There was nothing that Diluc loved more than Mondstadt. Being a harbinger of justice is what had defined his entire life. What would he even do knowing Kaeya was a spy for another nation? Would he tell the city and arrest him? Worse? “I’ve got to talk to Ernest about Winery stuff for Father. You should think… really hard about this, alright?”
Diluc only frowned as Kaeya got up from the bed, dusting off his pants. Something was wrong about the way his eyes narrowed. His gaze refused to meet Kaeya’s, only nodding slowly. Voice shaking for a moment, he forced the words through the tight sensation of barbed wire in his throat. “I will, Kaeya. I am.”
Exiting the room meant leaving his brother with the weight of the secret, but there was nothing else that Kaeya could do. As the door clicked shut behind him, the burden on his shoulders only weighed heavier and heavier with every step away from his brother. Someone knew, and there was nothing that he could do about it. The thoughts haunted him for hours afterwards, as he thought about what he could possibly say. What would explain his betrayal? He hadn’t decided anything yet, he needed more time. He loved Diluc, but there was no way that he would understand. Nobody could, especially given the fact that Kaeya hardly even remembered the other nation that he was fighting for.
Hypotheticals and nightmares wouldn’t leave him alone. He loved Mondstadt, almost as much as Diluc did. He’d devoted his undying loyalty to this nation, but Khaenri’ah was relying on him. People were waiting on him to save them. He had a duty to his brothers to try. He was only here because they had placed so much faith in him in the first place. Very few were lucky enough to stay alive, their only option being to depend on a child who had a destiny to fulfill. Mondstadt had offered him so much, and that was all that Diluc would be able to see. How had he even figured this out?
His dreams knew that Diluc would react badly. The sobbing and yelling about betrayal echoed in his mind, despite knowing that it was a figment of his imagination. Still, he didn’t fall asleep again. He would give anything not to return to a world where Diluc knew, but the waking reality was better than the ones from his imagination. Even as the dawn broke, the pit in Kaeya’s stomach hadn’t passed. All that he could think about was what Diluc would think, and when they’d talk about it.
Pen anxiously tapping on his paper, Kaeya hadn’t been able to focus all day. He had a loose script written out in front of him, including a small flow chart of things that Diliuc might ask. Why? How long have you been doing this? Are you in contact with the Abyss Order? How does the plan work? What’s Kaeya’s role? Will Mondstadt survive? Does he even care about Mondstadt?
Each question had a perfectly phrased answer, though most of them were only half-truths or complete fabrications. There was no way that he could simply answer ‘I don’t know’ to the questions that Diluc deserved answers to. He hated lying to his brother, but it was the only option to ensure that everything was erased instantly. He would sort out his lying later, if Diluc ever found out about that. Tomorrow was his birthday, and his 17th needed to be special. Crepus had been especially excited about it, so there was no way that he could ruin it for both of them. He just had to keep his mouth shut for two more days.
Shaking his head, he tried his best to focus on his work. He wouldn’t want to provoke Diluc by making him pick up Kaeya’s slack, but the first page was something that he needed to turn in immediately. It was one of the things that the redhead requested a few days prior, and was fairly urgent. He couldn’t risk holding onto it for any longer. Pressing his lips into a line, he’d have to face his brother again. He’d have to be seething by now– Diluc had always had a short fuse, and would more than likely get angrier the more that Kaeya thought about it.
Footsteps echoing through the hall, Kaeya felt more and more nervous as he stepped into the Cavalry Captain’s office. His heart had begun beating loudly again, swelling up in his throat. His hand shook as his cold hands twisted the golden doorknob, a gentle push revealing the office. It was neatly organized, but a lot of work remained undone. Diluc was tapping his pen on the paper in front of him impatiently, clearly upset about something.
“I got that report that you asked for. Sorry that it took so long, the Investigation Team took a while processing it. What are you up to?” Kaeya asked, trying his best to seem like things were alright. He wasn’t ready to talk yet, despite the script that he’d written. He couldn’t bear to imagine the look of betrayal in his eyes.
“Just… put it on the pile. I’ll get to it after this one. I’ve got to read it first.” Diluc mumbled, keeping his eyes glued to the page. Judging by the amount of dots from the pen, he’d clearly been reading it for a while despite the relatively short length.
“What’s wrong with it? Is the grammar bad?” Kaeya asked, determined to keep the conversation away from the elephant in the room.
“No, it’s good, I just… I can’t read it. I keep forgetting what the last words were. I can’t process what it means. I’m thinking too hard about other things. My head hurts, Kae.” Diluc looked down, pressing his cheek into his hand. “I need a break, but I haven’t done any work. I’m already missing tomorrow because of my birthday. Just one more day. That’s all that I need to get through.”
Putting the page into the large stack of documents, Kaeya frowned. “So we’ll talk after your birthday, then?” The hard deadline made him swallow thickly. He had a day and a half to come up with the perfect response to every question and memorize them.
“Maybe. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to talk. I just… Not before my birthday. I can’t ruin my birthday.” That much was an odd line of thinking, but Kaeya didn’t argue. The longer the wait, the longer that they could pretend things were alright.
“We can wait, then. As long as you don’t tell anyone else, we’ll be alright. I get that it’s stressful, though. You really can’t tell anyone about it, though. For me?” Kaeya offered a hand of comfort, but Diliuc’s frown didn’t fade.
Hesitantly, his hand grabbed onto Kaeya’s. The squeeze was tight, like he would slip away if he let go. “I’m really trying– I’m trying really hard. You have no idea. This would change so much if it all came out”
“I know that you are. Thank you, really. …I know it would. We were always good at secrets, though. What’s one more?” The vague conversation didn’t leave Kaeya with much, but it was almost confirmed that Diluc knew what they were talking about. Nothing else could carry that much weight.
Somehow, Kaeya didn’t leave his brother’s office. The paperwork seemed easier for Diluc whenever there was someone reading to him, even if it technically should’ve been confidential. The pile got cleared up in a matter of a few hours, even if Diluc hadn’t entirely calmed down for the whole time. He was abnormally tense, and his shoulders never dropped. It almost looked like he was getting scolded by their father for hours on end. As the pen finally hit the desk below them, Kaeya didn’t bother to continue with his own work. Instead, escorting his brother home took far more precedence.
Diluc didn’t seem to sleep at all, that night. That was Kaeya’s first thought whenever they first saw each other that morning. He didn’t miss the chance to be the first one to tell him happy birthday, and the smile that he was given in exchange filled him with some kind of relief. Diluc wasn’t too angry at him, it seemed. That almost seemed impossible, given the circumstances, but this could be Kaeya’s last birthday with him before it all fell apart. He needed to enjoy this with him as much as possible. Adelinde made Diluc’s favorite breakfast, and Crepus gave him a present early. It was a very nice tie that had once belonged to their grandfather– Diluc’s grin as he received it was slightly off, but Kaeya didn’t call him out on it directly. As the guests arrived, the air shifted with the festivities. Many people were there, including many of Diluc’s friends that Kaeya had only met a handful of times. Varka, Fredricka, and Jean had all come together to wish him a happy birthday, and Kaeya was almost a little shocked to see the older woman stay for any substantial amount of time. Seamus and Barbara had come around an hour later, but something with his brother wasn’t right.
Two hours and thirty-seven minutes had passed since the party started. Diluc had been completely missing for fifteen minutes, and Kaeya wasn’t sure what to tell the people that were looking for him. A pit swelled in Kaeya’s stomach, knowing that something was wrong. Diluc loved being the life of the party, so suddenly disappearing was unlike him unless it was something important. He wasn’t telling someone, was he? Jean was also nowhere to be found. He wasn’t telling her, was he?
Searching both of their rooms, the balcony, and even Crepus’s office, Diluc was nowhere to be seen. The last place to check was the bathroom, and a swift knock was all it took for Kaeya to give up on that idea. Just as he was about to turn and leave, the door gently swung open as if it wasn’t even latched shut. Diluc stood in front of the mirror, tears staining his cheeks. The sight wasn’t one that Kaeya had ever expected– it must’ve hit him all at once. Of course Diluc was just lying to himself.
Frozen in the doorway, Kaeya’s mouth went dry. His brother looked one breath away from collapsing, and there was nothing that he could do about it. Every premeditated word vanished from his memory, his scripts falling off of the page. It was time to confess, and Kaeya had nothing to say.
“I can’t do this anymore, Kae. I– I just can’t. I can’t do it.” Diluc’s inhales were sharp, a quickness slicing through the distant sounds of a party below. His breaths out were soft and shaky, trembling almost as much as he was. His eyes were glued to the mirror, refusing to look at Kaeya directly.
Managing to close the door behind him, Kaeya scrambled to Diluc’s side. Nothing was wrong with the way that he looked, so the jarring obsession with the mirror was one that Kaeya didn’t know how to handle. He’d helped Diluc through his panic attacks before, but this was different. What made it so different? “What can’t you do? What’s wrong?”
“Hide. I can’t hide it, Yaya. I can’t do it for any longer.” As the words left Diluc’s lips, Kaeya felt his blood freeze solid. He couldn’t leave without convincing him to hide it for just a little bit longer. Who was he planning to tell? He could feel iron begin to swallow his heart, ice filling his lungs. If Diluc spilled, everything would be gone. Everything that he loved would be gone soon, and there was nothing that he could do. He wasn’t ready to tell their father how he’d betrayed him, he wasn’t ready to tell Jean that their friendship was worth nothing. He wasn’t ready to lose his brother.
“What?! No, no, please– you have to keep it hidden for me, okay? It’s best for everyone, please. I’m begging you, Diluc. I need this to be kept secret. This favor would mean everything to me.” Kaeya wrapped his brother in a tight hug, burying his face in his shoulder. His own tears started soaking Diluc’s nice, specially ironed clothes. This was the beginning of the end.
Diluc hugged him even tighter. “Yeah. Just… keep it hidden. I can do that. I– I need to do that. What was I thinking, anyway? It’s such– a silly feeling. Too much trouble.” Despite the time bought, the knot in his gut wouldn’t dissipate. Kaeya couldn’t make any sense of what Diluc was talking about, but he’d bought more time. The redhead only tightened his hug on Kaeya, taking a trembling breath before continuing. “I could nev–er be a girl. What was– was I thinking? Father would be so dis– disappointed if he found out.”
Shoulders falling, Kaeya’s heart stopped dead in its tracks. Blinking twice, he attempted to process what he heard. “You… You want to be a girl?”
“M–ore than anything.” Diluc sobbed, breath picking up again. “I just need a– a minute. I can go back out th– there. Like you said.”
Diluc didn’t know.
Kaeya’s secret had been safe this whole time. Every comment about it had been pushing Diluc even further into her own doubts. She didn’t even know about Khaenri’ah yet. He had his time back. Moving away from the hug, he looked his sister in the eyes for the first time. Attention was lured away from the mirror, Diluc’s eyes glistened with tears. “What are you talking about? We can make you the prettiest girl in that room. Master Crepus is going to be so proud of you.”
Confusion stained her expression, before she stared back at the mirror. “But it wouldn’t be real, Kaeya. I–I want to be a girl forever. What time do I even have left? It’s way too late, and– and the knights need–”
“You’re a girl if you want to be, Luc. You can be my sister forever. None of that other stuff matters, it’s never too late. You’ll be okay.” Kaeya’s heart almost broke for her, with how much she was pushing herself. He needed to make up for everything that he’d said– Khaenri’ah could wait a few more years. “Let me do your makeup, alright? I think that I have just the dress for the occasion, if you’d want to try it.”
Her eyes flickered with interest, and she nodded. “...Yeah. I’d love that.” She glanced over at her reflection, as Kaeya got to work. He’d always been a fan of makeup, so products were no issue. The red eyeshadow looked phenomenal on her, and Diluc’s smile only seemed to grow with each passing moment.
Kaeya didn’t exactly have access to many dresses, but Adelinde had a few from when she was younger. She had whispered a secret to him many years ago– they were kept as a potential gift to a daughter. She never ended up having one for reasons unknown to Kaeya, but Diluc was the best fit that Kaeya could think of. A long red and white dress caught his eye, and Diluc’s eyes had begun sparking the moment she laid eyes on it.
Humming to himself, Kaeya Ragnvindr watched as Diluc hesitantly faced the party that she had abandoned. He grabbed her hand as a silent word of comfort as they descended the stairs, the world itself seeming to pause for their entrance.