Chapter Text
“That looks painful.”
Startling at the voice, it took everything in Bodhi not to snarl back with a no shit, knowing fully well that Garrick did not deserve his frustration.
None of them did, really, and even if they did, Bodhi was not the type to take his anger out on anyone.
He was the steady one, the reasonable one, the easy one, the soft one.
He had always been, and always would be. Even now.
“Bodhs?” Garrick’s voice took a softer hue, and the man sat down beside him, letting his legs dangle off the balcony like him, “I’m not sure sitting up here on your own with a mauled arm is your brightest idea, you know?” he commented gently, somewhat cautious like approaching a wild animal.
“It is,” Bodhi answered, absentmindedly, before he caught himself with a soft chuckle, “painful, I mean. And also not my brightest idea, admittedly. Cuir is pissed about it” and fussing, if he might add.
I do not fuss, the dragon protested on cue. Forgive me for not wanting my chosen one to end up like bird’s stools on the ground below, he grumbled, although their bond gave away his worry and made the weight on Bodhi’s chest worse.
Grotesque choice of words, he shot back.
But accurate, Cuir rebuked, almost bringing a smile to the rider’s lips.
Garrick did not say a word, apparently lost in his own conversation with his dragon, and his eyes were glazed over with sadness when he turned back to face him.
“I saw that happen, you know?”
“What,” although Bodhi’s chest was filled with dread already. He was careful not to let it show, however.
“You know what. The– accident.”
Bodhi did not meet his eyes, opting for staring at the emptiness below, which mirrored the one he felt somewhere between his heart and his stomach.
“You… shit, Bodhi. I’m not good at this, you know it. So just tell me already,” Garrick nervously brought a hand to rub his neck, tilting his head as if to massage a sore muscle Bodhi knew well was not there, “did you let that happen on purpose?”
Air flew from the younger man’s lungs, but he did not make any move to speak, nor react in any way.
Which was enough of a reply, anyway.
Garrick shifted restlessly next to him, and if he was to turn around, he knew he’d be met with a familiar look he couldn’t bear to handle right now. Nor ever, if he was being honest.
“Bodhi, come on. It’s me, you can tell me.”
He was right, of course. He could, just like he always could go to him with anything and expect it to be met with nothing but care and readiness to help, but how was he supposed to tell him that? It was not even only his secret to tell…
I doubt it would make a difference now, Cuir offered, not unkindly, but with the typical dragon-like bluntness that hurt him to the core. Regret immediately flooded their bond in apology.
Bodhi really did want to tell him, wanted to just break and scream and cry until he no longer could hold himself up, until it all faded to blissful black like it had moments after his arm had shattered under the venin’s blow.
But he couldn’t break. He was the hopeful one, the steady light. And even though Garrick could handle his darkness and support him for a while, eventually he0d be expected to bounce back and be alright, like he always did, even right after the apostasy.
Except he hadn’t, even back then, and only Imogen had been there to see him stopping, standing still in the middle of fucking Parapet, waiting, contemplating…
He had eventually forced himself to push forward, put one foot after the other and throw his arms out for balance, proceeding quickly but no longer recklessly, but that was because back then he still had a reason to fight, a light to look forward to the next year.
He was completely in the dark now, and it really, fucking hurt, but at the same time he felt so numb, like nothing mattered anymore.
Eventually, Garrick made the choice for him, and he did not bother to protest. He let himself be pulled back on solid ground, leaning heavily on the bigger man. Maybe, if he kept his eyes closed for long enough, he could trick his brain into believing that in his stead it was–
That would be cruel on yourself and I will not allow it.
There was care in Cuir’s rough words, but it did not warm him as it usually would.
“Let’s get that arm mended first, alright?”
Somehow, Garrick’s unusually gentle and reassuring touch made something break within him, and before he could help it, he found himself sniffling pathetically, unable to stop the tears now dripping from his eyes.
“Brennan’s too tired,” he muttered between gasps, “needs strength for Sorrengail.”
Garrick cursed quietly under his breath as he gently guided him to turn around so they were facing each other, mindful of his arm, but Bodhi couldn’t notice anything anymore.
He did not blame Xaden for rushing them here, or Brennan for prioritising his dying sister.
A broken arm could be healed the typical way, no matter how badly it had been snapped, a stab to the side with a poisoned blade, instead, needed mending… and a miracle, probably.
He did not blame anyone, and he prayed to every god that Violet survived, dreading the consequences of her not making it. He was not even sure he would survive it if she died and Xaden followed, if she died and it all became for nothing…
Gods, do I reall have to lose everyone?”
Cuir definitely heard that, but his response went lost in the raging pain within him.
Garrick lead him back inside after commenting that, mending or not, he would get his arm fixed, and for a moment Bodhi considered screaming at him that he could not give two fucks about his godsdamn arm, not when his very own heart had been ripped from his chest the moment that venin had jumped in and attacked as he was trying to get to him. How could it fucking matter that his arm was broken in multiple places, when it wouldn’t ever be wrapped around him again? Why should he care about a pain so dull, compared to the shredding of his own soul to pieces?
But instead, he kept quiet and clumsily let himself be half-dragged to a healer he couldn’t even acknowledge.
He wouldn’t break.
He couldn’t break.
He couldn’t mourn.
Because nobody had ever known about him and Liam in the first place.
***
Sorrengail finally woke up, much to everyone’s relief, but by then they were all too focused on what should be their next move to bother noticing him, or his absence, really.
You need your friends, Cuir chastised him gently for the umpteenth time, however he remained curled up around him in a protective manner, as he always did lately whenever Bodhi snuck out to find him. If you do not, I may accidentally slip and mention something to Chradh, Glane… or who knows, maybe even Sgaeyl.
The threat was subtle, but Bodhi fully startled.
You wouldn’t dare.
Warm steam brushed his face as a reminder of who he was glaring at. Do not test me, little one.
Of course, he wouldn’t… but who was he supposed to tell, even if he wanted?
Everyone was grieving Liam’s and Soleil’s loss, everyone was worried, planning, scheming, considering options… Why should he bother them, when he would be fine, eventually.
Bones healed, and so would hearts.
Hopefully.