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Protip #1: Getting that date...
1.a. Drop hints.
(Subtlety is key. You’re pretty sure she likes you back, but in case it’s just wishful thinking, well… a little flirting never hurt anyone, right?)
1.b. Drop lots of hints.
(Forget subtlety. At this point, you can probably have it written in the sky and she’d probably just think you were being nice or something. Flip your hair a bit and hold her gaze a little longer than usual. Touch her arm in conversations. Laugh at her jokes — even the dorky ones. Kiss her on the cheek — or fuck it, kiss her on the mouth.
1.c. When it doesn’t work, get fed up and ask her out.
(Fuck subtlety.)
Protip #2, 3, and 4: On cooking, food, and how to not accidentally poison each other...
2.a. Brave through the poorly cooked meals because she really, really tried, and you know it.
(You’ll wonder how on earth someone can mess up a recipe with three ingredients. Or how it’s possible to burn pasta. She’ll tell you later that she pretty much survived on hot pockets and ramen in college because she dormed all four years and didn’t have a kitchen, and you’ll wonder a little less.
It’s fine. You’re not the best cook either, and you have years to get better at cooking for each other. And if you never get better, well, there’s always takeout.)
2.b. But also let her know when it's undercooked.
(It won’t be worth getting sick over — again. She’ll feel bad enough about the first time you got sick and you definitely won’t want a repeat of that. It won’t ruin your night. You’ll order something from Postmates and end up making out on the couch while you wait for some guy named Caleb to deliver your food. Caleb will take longer than the app promises, but you’ll be on such a good mood that you’ll tip him plenty and give him five stars anyway.)
2.c. 6.b. Learn how to make her favorite mac ‘n cheese.
(You’ll get her mom’s recipe from Perry.* Tobin’s been stressed at work and a little homesick, so you’ll want to cheer her up a little. You’ll be too nervous to get it right, and you’ll toss out the first two batches. She’ll come home on your third try, and she’ll take one look and tell you it’s perfect. You’ll roll your eyes because she hasn’t even tried it. You’ll know it’s not perfect, anyway — there’s some sort of universal rule that no one can truly replicate their mom’s recipe, much less someone else’s mom’s recipe. You’ll worry you didn’t put enough bacon or used the wrong brand of cheese or messed up some other way. But later when Tobin’s done clutching at her stomach and groaning because she really shouldn’t have had that third helping, she’ll kiss your cheek and tell you again that it’s perfect. That the secret ingredient in the recipe is love, and she’s sure you’ve put just enough of that into it. You’ll roll your eyes again and call her a sap because it’s just mac ‘n cheese.
You’ll walk into the kitchen in the morning to find her humming to herself as she packs the rest of it for work the next day — because it’s so good and none of it should go to waste — and you’ll catch yourself thinking that, yeah, you put just enough of love into cooking it, but she also put just enough of love into eating it. And ugh, maybe you’re becoming a sap, too, but at least you’ve managed to make her shitty week just a little better.
*To know how you somehow managed to get your hands on that famous Heath bacon jalapeno mac ‘n cheese recipe, refer to Protip #6.a.)
3. When you decide to eat out (no, not that kind of eating out), be prepared to choose the restaurant.
(Until a chain opens up called Whatever Is Fine By Me, you either choose or you both starve to death.)
4.a. Remember that she’s allergic to nuts.
(Really, really allergic.)
4.b. This means no nuts for you, too, if you plan on kissing her that day.
(Hershey’s spreadable chocolate isn’t quite Nutella, but that’s okay. You’ll think it’s worth it, because you’ll pretty much want to kiss her all the time.)
4.b. Learn how to use an epipen. Just in case.
Protip #5: On sports rivalries...
5.a. When your favorite sports team beats hers, try not to brag… too much.
(Listen, the Tar Heels consistently do better than the Golden Bears, so when your other sports teams beat hers, it’s completely acceptable to rub it in her face a little — especially when the win also makes you fifty bucks richer.
Save the bulk of the bragging for when Stanfurd loses. It’s a win-win situation: you’ll get to gang up on Kelley, and Kelley won’t be able to try to — keyword: try, because, boy, will Tobin try — withhold sex while she sulks through the rest of the weekend.)
5.b. And when your team loses… definitely resist the urge to throw out all her team gear.
(Whatever. Go Bears.)
5.c. The one she is currently wearing, though — feel free to rip it off. ;)
Protip #6: On family...
6.a. Get her family to love you.
(Start with Perry. She’s the closest to Tobin, and you’ve already met when she visited Tobin three months ago. She played tennis in college, so don’t pinch your eyebrows in frustration when she edges you out 2 matches to 1. Breathe. Take a quick look at the grin and thumbs-up Tobin shoots you from the sidelines — and kiss her on the cheek later for cheering you on. You’re not here to prove your tennis prowess, and losing’s not too bad when you gain an ally in Perry — you’ll at least have her on your side when you attend their family barbecue a month later and meet the rest of the Heath clan. Thank Perry for treating you two out to lunch afterwards, and genuinely consider her offer of doing it all again sometime soon.
Jeff likes to fish. He surfs, too, but stick to tagging along on his and Tobin’s fishing trips — even when you find fishing so boring — because swallowing saltwater when you insist you can handle the waves they try to catch is worse than having to deal with the worms that refuse to stay put on your fishing hook.
Make sure you have some quarters on you. You’ll spend three of them buying Jeff a snow cone from the little kids two doors down from their childhood home because you’ll let him win when he challenges you to 1 v 1 in their backyard. That’s right. You’ll let him win. His smile reminds of you Tobin’s, and when you let him get one past you, she’ll fish out 75 cents from her pocket and treat you to a snow cone of your own because Thanks babe, his ego’s fragile.
You’ll find that Jeff’s approval is the easiest to get — that you’ve had it all along since he heard about this girl that makes his sister so happy — you won’t find out til later, though. He’ll pretend you’ve only earned it after you reel in your first catch that morning. He’ll even try to give you The Speech when Tobin’s off fetching you beers, and he’ll look so earnest about it that you can’t help but be endeared by his protectiveness. He likes you already, you’re fine.
The hardest one is Katie. You’ll fall in love with her son, Cole, possibly as fast as you fell in love with soccer — he’s a cutie. But Katie’s the eldest, and she’ll have her reservations about you at first. You’ll understand. You know from her previous relationships that Tobin trusts easily and falls hard, and it’s gotten her hurt a few times in the past. The fact that you’ve been there for her through the last one will probably win you some brownie points, and it’ll definitely help that Cole won’t stop talking about you from the two times you and Tobin offer to babysit, but it’ll still take a bit of time. So give it some time. You’ll grow on her.
You’ll be the most nervous meeting Tobin’s parents. Tobin’s never brought a girl home to meet them before, so you won’t really have any stories to compare. But two hours into the barbecue, you’ll find that they’ve already welcomed you into the family. Cindy will greet you with a hug — they’re a family of great huggers — and before Jeff is done grilling you’ll have made plans for brunch the next time they’re in town. You’ll try a little harder with Jeff. You’ll compliment him on his grilling technique, bring him a beer when he asks for one, and try your best not to cringe when he talks about the Giants. At the end of the night, he’ll smile and bid you goodnight, and he won’t say anything when Tobin guides you to her bedroom. And when you’re cuddling in that small twin bed — because you both can’t decide who should take the air mattress — Tobin will tell you that she knows he likes you. That they all like you.
This all sounds like a lot, but don’t worry. They’re a good bunch, and you’ll grow to love them just as much as they grow to love you.)
6.b. Get your family to love her.
(They already do.)
Protip #7: On traveling...
7.a. Always specify who's bringing the toothpaste when you travel together…
(A week of Tobs, start packing your suitcase — It’ll be fine, Al, we’re only packing for four days — will eventually turn into days of Tobin, why is it only half-full? — because I haven’t done laundry — I did your laundry, now pack — and minutes of Kelley's on her way to drop us off at the airport, it doesn't matter which snapback you bring. She'll sigh as if she's giving away her firstborn when she tosses her PDX one onto the bed — as if she doesn’t always end up with that one — and you'll find yourselves rushing out the door. It’ll drive you a little crazy; you hate rushing, and you’ll worry that you’ve forgotten to turn off the bedroom light — but don’t worry, you did.
Later that night when you're both knocking shoulders to fight for room in front of the bathroom sink, you'll blindly rifle through her toiletry bag — you’ll have taken off your contacts by then — for the brand new tube of Colgate you're so sure she packed, only to come up empty-handed. You’ll argue a little, because why didn't you pack it? and you bought it, so I thought you would and they give us five extra mini shampoo bottles but no toothpaste?
You'll feel a little bad when she throws on a hoodie and walks three blocks to the nearest Walgreen's to buy some, and maybe a little worse when she comes back with the toothpaste and two blue raspberry Push Pops — your favorite flavor. You’ll smile and kiss her, and you’ll cuddle in bed while you try to see who can finish their Push Pop first. You’ll be ahead, of course — because you’re competitive in just about everything — by the time you both get too distracted making funny faces and sticking your tongue out at each other and forget you were competing at all… until you decide to figure out who has the bluer tongue.
And later, when you finally both get around to using the toothpaste, she’ll casually suggest that you consolidate your toiletries into one bag next time, and you’ll smile so wide at the thought of a next time. You want there to be a next time — every single next time, really.
You can’t wait to see the world with her.)
7.b. …and don’t forget to pack an extra pair of socks.
(No matter how many times you remind her to pack extra clothes, she’ll almost always end up miscounting and running out of something. And nine times out of ten, it’s socks.)
7.c. When your favorite hoodie goes missing, you’ll probably find it in her dresser — or when you’re traveling, in her suitcase.
(She’ll deny knowing how it got there. She’ll wear it to sleep anyway. She’ll say it’s comfy. That she likes it because it’s soft, because it keeps her warm. All that is true, but really, she likes it because it smells like you.)
Protip #8: On anniversaries…
8.a. Remember that Kelley is horrible at keeping secrets.
(It’ll tumble out when the three of you are at lunch and Tobin disappears to find the bathroom after chugging a glass of water — Do you dare me to do it, Al? — Not really. — Okay I’ll do it. Kelley will keep forking through her salad in the same fashion she has been for the past six minutes, then — It’s a necklace. A very nice necklace. Tiffany and Co. and shit.
You’ll nearly choke on your iced tea because It’s supposed to be a surprise, you asshole and you’ll kick at Kelley’s shin under the table because I know — shrug — but I never promised her I wouldn’t say anything. You’ll glare at her so hard, the same way you glare when Tobin balls up her clothes and tosses them in the general direction of the closet despite you nicely asking her to fold them, and she’ll just snicker shrug like she’s used to it. Which, okay, she is.
Tobin will return to her seat a minute later, unaware of her best friend’s utter betrayal. You’ll end up sending glares in Kelley’s direction the rest of lunch, because damn it, okay, this is helpful — you weren’t sure if you and Tobin were at the stage where expensive gifts were a thing, and you were afraid that the watch you got her was going to be too much — but you really wanted to be surprised. You wanted Tobin to see you surprised.
You’ll have the foresight to not have told Kelley about the watch, thank god.)
8.b. Feign surprise anyway.
(The look on her face will be so worth it.)
Protip #9: When things get rough...
9.a. Learn to apologize (first).
(You’re both stubborn in different ways, but this, you’ll learn this from her. God knows she’ll have apologized fifty times for every one time you have. She’ll say it’s because she cares about your relationship more than she cares about being right. So learn. Learn, because sometimes she’s right, as much as you hate to admit it. But more importantly, learn because she’s the best person you’ve been with — the best person you know, really — and you’ll find that you care more about her than being right, too.
Plus, the makeup sex will be great. Trust.)
9.b. Give her space.
(You prefer fighting it out until things get worked out. You’ve always been the hot-headed one, the impatient one, and you like unloading your feelings as soon as you feel them. It’s cathartic, but also a little unfair — especially when you decide to unload via yelling.
She won’t be able to keep up with your snappy comebacks, won’t immediately understand just why you’re so angry that one time she took an extra shift the day of your anniversary when you clearly told her it was fine. She doesn’t process things the same way you do. She gets quiet, feels the urge to run.
You’ll freak out the first time she does. It’ll be okay. She’ll come back and apologize, then you’ll apologize, and you’ll both spend the night showing each other just how sorry you are. You’ll learn that she needs time to sort out her head sometimes. To understand.
So give her space. Give her space and trust that she’ll come back to you when she’s ready. You’ll usually have cooled off by then, too — sometimes because you’ve already been talked down by a very irritated Kelley that you’ve woken up at 7am on a Sunday — so really, the time apart — and the occasional fresh perspective — will help you more often than it won’t.
Some days she’ll take a little longer, and you’ll find your eyelids drooping as you wait up on the couch, refusing to go to bed without talking things out — without her. Once or twice you’ll worry because it doesn’t feel like she’s coming back. Don’t.
She’ll be back. She knows you hate going to sleep angry, and she’ll apologize for taking so long, for making you wait. She’ll carry you to bed and climb in after you, burying her face into your shoulder and mumbling things like I’m sorry and I was being a dumbass and you still love me, right?, until you grumble for her to go to sleep, and we’ll talk in the morning, and yes. She’ll probably know that it means yes, you were being a dumbass. But she’ll also know it means yes, I still love you.)
Protip #10: And finally...
10.a. Love her.
(This is both the easiest and the hardest step. And sometimes, you’ll love so hard, you won’t know what to do with yourself. Love her anyway.)
10.b. Let her love you back.
(Because once she does, she loves just as hard.)
Bonus:
Never let her go.