Chapter Text
This party sucks.
Lottie stood awkwardly in the middle of Jackie Taylor’s kitchen. Clusters of teenagers laughed over the blasting music. She swirled her cup and watched the beer pool.
Lottie had learned her lesson the last time she drank—It wasn’t voices, not like her father said mockingly. More like visions. And when she drank, they only got more frequent and much more frightening. The first time she had more than a few sips of a beer she snuck from the fridge, she had expected anything other than what she got. She knew that maybe it wasn’t the best idea to mix alcohol with her meds, but she hoped a little wouldn’t hurt. She thought maybe she could try it and feel normal.
She realized she couldn’t ever be normal when her palms got all sweaty and her heart pulsated and suddenly she was pacing around her room and every footstep sounded like a gunshot.
She stayed like that for a while, it felt like forever that indecipherable images flashed in her mind over and over again. She wasn’t in her room anymore and the cold was seeping into her bones—
She was screaming before she even realized why.
When her mother slammed the door open Lottie immediately locked on to her eyes as they darted across the room and down on her daughter’s curled up body.
It was the only emotion she had seen in her mother’s eyes in a long time. That emotion quickly faded from her mother’s eyes when they reached the empty beer bottle next to Lottie. She threatened to hospitalize Lottie the next time she pulled something like that. The threat was empty but it stung all the same.
That was in sophomore year.
Now she’s a senior clutching a plastic red cup, faking a sip every few minutes.
Maybe she’s not normal, but she can pretend. Or at least try.
Lottie shifted through the group of people, not really sure where she’s going, or why she came really. She leaned against the kitchen counter and watched as Jackie Taylor drunkenly danced in the middle of the room. Lottie squeezed the cup a little tighter.
Her head hurts. Each pulse of the speaker hammered into her head over and over again. The thick smell of sweat and cheap perfume only served to make her more nauseous. Lottie kept squeezing the cup tighter until the liquid inside threatened to overflow. The girl beside her—too close beside her—was laughing loudly, cackling even. She crossed her arm and dug her nails into the soft fabric of her shirt. Jackie was still dancing. Lottie found herself laser focused on Jackie’s smile. That wide careless smile. Jackie can be normal. She is normal. And here’s Lottie, sweating in her kitchen.
Lottie closed her eyes for just a second and a body slammed harshly into her side. She abruptly opened her eyes to see a boy already halfway across the room yelling some half-assed apology at her. She turned to see Jackie’s wide eyes meet hers as she shoved through a group of people to reach Lottie.
“Wow, what an asshole.” Jackie smirked as she leaned on the counter.
Lottie forced out a chuckle, digging her nails deeper into her skin. Jackie kept talking but Lottie could barely make out what she was saying.
She’s gotta get out of here.
“Hey, you ok?”
“Uh—yeah…” Lottie’s voice cracked due to not speaking for hours now, as if this wasn’t embarrassing enough.
“You don’t sound that sure.” Jackie looked at Lottie with an earnest worried smile.
“I need some air.” Lottie blurted out, already heading out of the kitchen.
“Wait!” Jackie grabbed onto the back of Lottie’s shirt and Lottie almost screamed.
She’s gotta get out of here now.
“Have you seen Shauna? She kind of disappeared on me.” Jackie didn’t wait for Lottie to respond, “If you see her outside just let her know I’m looking for her, ok?”
Lottie quickly nodded and pulled from her grasp, bumping into a few people on the way to the front door. Her eagerness to get the hell away from Jackie probably came off as really rude, she barely cared. It wasn’t personal.
Lottie stumbled outside and filled her lungs with the crisp fall air. It always ends up like this, she never knows why she keeps coming.
Maybe parties aren’t really for her, but she wants them to be.
She inched across the front lawn. Finally taking in the embarrassment of what happened in there, now that she can breathe. Jackie asked her to look for Shauna, that’s a rare occurrence. Seeing Shauna anywhere except for glued to Jackie’s side was nearly impossible. She figured maybe she could help Jackie out, maybe it’ll cancel out how weird she was being.
She found herself drifting down the street without really knowing where she was going. The hum of the music getting quieter with each step. She lazily scanned the cars lining the street, looking for Shauna’s car. Everyone knew what Shauna’s car looked like, it was Jackie’s horse-drawn carriage of choice, after all.
Shauna probably wasn’t even out here, why would she be hanging out in her car? Unless she’s as much of an anti-social freak as Lottie.
Lottie’s thoughts were interrupted when her eyes landed on the tiny white car parked at the end of the street, isolated from the bustling party on the other end.
She started to walk toward the car, but a face came into view.
She stopped in her tracks.
Beside Shauna was…Jeff?
Jeff Sadecki?
Lottie wondered for a second if she was seeing things right. And she let her mind wander with the implications of this. Technically, it was perfectly innocent. But what was Jackie’s boyfriend doing, all alone with her best friend like this?
At least, it seemed innocent until Shauna started to look impatient, almost hungry. Lottie couldn’t make out the subtleties of Shauna’s expression in the dark, but she certainly didn’t look happy. Until Shauna grabbed the back of Jeff’s head and their mouths crashed together into a kiss, a disgusting, messy, kiss.
Lottie watched the way Shauna’s nails dug into Jeff’s shoulders, the way she bit down on his lip with complete disregard of his reaction. When she pulled away, she had a look in her eye that had nothing to do with the boy in front of her.
A darkness. The whole interaction was so violent without there being any violence at all. Shauna said something to Jeff, and Lottie could tell it was said with venom.
Jeff nodded.
Shauna leaned in again, but paused. Lottie only realized she had been inching closer when she thinks she can see Shauna’s eyes flickering over to her direction, but they are aimed back at Jeff in no less than a second. Lottie isn't sure Shauna saw her at all. Something in Lottie wants to keep watching, wants to examine every twitch in Shauna’s eyebrow, every squeeze of Jeff’s shoulder, everything.
But she wouldn’t be able to do that without being caught. So she turned on her heel and ran back down the road, the image replaying in her mind over and over again.
Monday morning, Lottie woke to a silent house.
It wasn’t surprising, that’s all she’d ever known. Though this particular morning was different, this morning was the first one in a while that her head wasn’t as empty as her home. What she saw last night, it was like it woke her up. She couldn’t get Shauna Shipman out of her head. That look in Shauna’s eye was burned into her mind, so different from the sweet, passive, Shauna who always stuck to Jackie’s side. That same poor Shauna who was dubbed “lapdog” by jealous girls who would like to be by Jackie’s side instead.
The truth is, Lottie sometimes looked at Jackie and Shauna’s friendship with those same jealous, longing eyes. She would wish she could have something like that, something real. To her, Jackie and Shauna were her idols of true friendship. Perhaps it was a silly idea Lottie thought up in middle school, but even now she never let go of that image.
So how interesting it is to see Shauna shatter that image.
Lottie was jolted away from her thoughts by a sharp knock on her door. Her mother didn’t wait for permission to open the door.
“What are you doing just staring at the ceiling? You’re going to be late.”
Her mother walked away muttering something under her breath.
Every morning is the same. Lottie throws on the perfectly prepared outfit she laid out last night. She touches up her perfectly minimal makeup. She eats her perfectly arranged breakfast in silence. But this morning was different, her mother was on the other side of the dining room table that seemed like it stretched on for miles.
“Where were you last night?” her mother asked after only a few minutes of silence.
“A party.”
Neither of them looked up from their breakfast. Lottie’s eyes wandered to her glass of orange juice. She wondered, just for a second, what would happen if she just shattered it. Would her mother look up?
Lottie went to stand up, her mother clicked her tongue and hastily reminded Lottie to take her meds,
Right, how could she forget?
She slipped the pill onto her tongue.
Lottie shuffled through the crowded hallway, keeping her eyes alert for a certain brunette. Instead, she spots Jackie jogging to catch up with Lottie.
“Hey Lottie!” Jackie shouted and Lottie slowed her pace, they settled side by side.
“I guess last night Shauna felt sick or something and had to head home, it’s kind of weird she didn’t tell me considering she was my ride home but whatever.” Jackie rambled on and Lottie couldn’t help but feel horrible for her, she awkwardly nodded.
“Oh shit, sorry, you don’t care about that. Anyway I wanted to ask if you got home alright, you looked kinda stressed last night.” Jackie looked up expectantly at Lottie.
“Um, yeah I got a ride home. I was just—it doesn’t matter.” Lottie stumbled on her words, talking with Jackie never failed to highlight her awkwardness.
“By the way, you said Shauna was sick, is she here today?”
Jackie looked a bit taken aback at Lottie’s sudden concern for Shauna for a moment.
“Yeah, you know her, so dramatic about attendance.” Jackie let out a chuckle.
“Anyways, I gotta run. See you later!”
Jackie turned and bounced over to Jeff, he smiled big and waved her over. Lottie felt a pang of guilt and disgust hit her. But at the same time, her fascination only grew deeper. Despite what some may say, Jackie isn’t mean. So why? Why did Shauna do what she did? It couldn’t have been about Jeff, Shauna looked right through him. Lottie felt an itch to find out.
She turned the corner into her first period class, and there Shauna was, sitting two seats away from Lottie’s seat. As she always is. Shauna had her eyes glued to the door, as Lottie walked in, their eyes met. She quickly evaded eye contact. Her eyebrows furrowed.
Lottie sat and tried not to stare, but it was impossible. She wanted to study Shauna until she had an answer. She thought back to last night, and how she swore she saw Shauna glancing over to her. Lottie started to sweat. Did Shauna see her? For this one time in her life, Lottie hoped she was seeing things.
Class dragged on, and every time she thought she felt intense eyes staring at her, she turned to find them instead focused on the front of the classroom. With each time this happened, Lottie became even more convinced she was seeing things.
The bell rang and Shauna collected her things and marched out, not taking a second to look back. Lottie followed her out, she told herself following Shauna Shipman around was worth being late to her next class.
Shauna met up with Jackie outside Jackie’s first period, Shauna had to jog a little, Lottie assumed it was so she wouldn’t keep Jackie waiting. Jackie and Shauna walked side by side, Jackie was the only one talking. Shauna kept her responses short, Jackie didn’t seem to notice or care. They stopped outside of Jackie’s class and talked for a second, before Jackie stepped in beaming, and Shauna turned around.
By now the hallways are nearly cleared out, and there's nobody for Lottie to duck behind. Shauna’s eyes meet hers with a determined look in her eye. She marches past and grabs onto Lottie’s arm, dragging her through the hallway. Lottie stumbled to keep up. Shauna only released her tight grip on Lottie’s wrist once they’re in an empty staircase
“Why have you been following me?” Shauna crossed her arms and glared.
“Uhm—I just—” Lottie stuttered, looking down at her shoes.
“Listen, I know you saw.” Shauna said, her tone unwavering. “Lottie I swear to fucking god if you tell anyone—”
“I won’t!” Lottie interrupted, Shauna raised an eyebrow.
“Huh?”
“I won’t tell anyone.” Lottie finally looked Shauna in the eye, and she froze. That look again. That intense, dark look. Suddenly Lottie regrets interrupting Shauna.
“What would you do if I did?”
Shauna scoffed, “Are you threatening me?” Her voice pitched up again.
Lottie stepped closer, Shauna barely managed to stumble back. Lottie placed a firm hand on Shauna’s shoulder and Shauna flinched under it.
“I want you to tell me why.” Lottie tightened her fingers without even realizing. “Why did you kiss him?” Lottie said steadily.
Shauna abruptly pulled herself from Lottie’s grasp.
“You better fucking watch yourself, Lottie.” She said, barely above a whisper.
She stormed off, clutching her bag.
Lottie watched in awe as the Yellowjacket’s sweet little lapdog Shauna Shipman seethed. And she decided, without a doubt, she likes this Shauna better.