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You and your husband Logan were having an early dinner date one Friday at the Blue Moon Saloon, just the two of you. Andy had been invited to spend the night at Alo’s as Catori would take them to Catori World the next day. You and Logan decided to spend the rare opportunity to thoroughly reconnect with each other, but such activities require energy, so an early dinner at the Saloon was the best solution.
Lately, you had been devouring the newest novel that you had found in from a trip to the ruins. It was a book aimed at young adults and was a coming of age story following two teenagers and the realization their romantic feelings for each other. The idea of a teenager learning about the world and themself made you immediately think about your adopted son Andy. Puberty was definitely hitting him as he would come out of his room the next day with several inches added to high height and a deeper voice. This all got you wondering about things that you would bring up during your conversation with your husband on your date.
You and Logan were seated at your usual booth that stood alone in the center of the saloon. Since it was an early dinner, even on a Friday, the saloon was mostly empty aside from the saloon regular Ernest, who was absorbed in whatever he was writing in the booth in the corner of the room. Grace wasn't working that day, so Owen managed the saloon alone. After you had gotten your food and started eating, you felt like it was as good a time as any to voice what you were thinking about to your husband.
“Love?” you called to him to catch his attention while he ate.
“What is it, darlin’?” he responded, setting down his utensils to give you his full attention but was still in the middle of chewing his last bite.
“How did you learn about sex when you were younger?”
Immediately, he started choking on his food – his face flushed red, and tears threatened to spill from his cheeks. You offered him a drink to help wash down the food, but he raised his hand in refusal, his violent coughing doing most of the work to clear his airway. Still, at the sounds of his coughing fit, Owen ran over with a glass of water and started patting his childhood friend’s back. Even Ernest was approaching your table, though not rushed as he saw both you and Owen were already attempting to help your suffering husband.
Eventually, Logan’s coughing died down, and he gulped down the water that Owen had brought.
“You alright, man?” Owen asked once the coughing fit calmed down.
“Yea, yea. Thanks, Owen. Ah, jus’ had some food go down the wrong pipe,” Logan responded, needing to clear his throat several times before he could finish his sentence. “My wife-“ he shot you a lighthearted, playful glare “- jus’ couldn’t wait ‘till I finished eating to tell me something funny.” At that, you put your hands up in innocence, not having thought that your question would catch your husband so off-guard.
Owen chuckled. “Gotta time your jokes right, Builder. Don’t wanna tell a killer joke.”
Before Owen started laughing at his own joke, Ernest let out a groan, making his presence known. “That was such a dad joke,” the writer groaned, his palm pressed to his forehead as he shook his head in disapproval.
You, on the other hand, were trying to hold back your laughter at both the bad joke and the initial event that led to this small crowd. Though you hid your face in your arms on the table, the shaking of your shoulders made it clear you were dying of laughter.
No longer choking, Logan smiled at the absurdity of the scene playing out in front of him and mirrored Ernest’s reaction to Owen’s bad joke. Logan acutely remembered the conversation that his wife tried to start and wanted to continue it as soon as possible. He turned to the two bystanders. “I reckon I’m fine now, but thanks for bein’ concerned ‘bout me Owen, Ernest.”
Owen responded first. “No problem, man. Just try not to choke for the remainder of your meal. Would be a pain to deal with if it was more serious,” he joked half-seriously. “Though it could make a good story for Story Time.” Logan shot the saloon owner an incredulous look. “I’m kidding, of course.” Owen grinned.
“I’m also glad it wasn’t anything serious, Logan. I did read once how to do something called the Heimlich maneuver to help someone who’s choking and can’t breathe, but it’s another thing to actually try it…” pondered Ernest.
“I reckon’ it won’t come to that tonight, but thanks again you two,” Logan responded.
“Sounds good. Just give a shout if you need anything else,” Owen said before returning to work the counter once more. Ernest raised a hand good-bye and walked back to his corner booth.
Your face was still buried in your arms, face planted in the table. Your laughing had nearly died down at this point, and with the dispersal of the sudden audience, you lifted your head to face your husband once more.
“Shall we finish eating first, and then you can answer my question at home?” you asked with a coy grin. You felt a little guilty at making your husband suffer just because you couldn’t wait to get the question out of your mind.
He chuckled while shaking his head slightly in playful disbelief at his silly wife. “Alright, let’s do it like that then.”
You both made it home without further incident, though there was a close call. Logan had decided some payback was in order, so he scooped you up into a bridal carry without warning upon crossing the threshold out of the Blue Moon Saloon. His plan backfired though, since you embraced the closeness and wrapped your arms around his neck, successfully getting him make out with you. Your counterplan almost backfired when Logan, distractedly, was making his way over the train tracks and you both almost ate dirt. Thankfully, he only stumbled, and you two could continue making out like a pair of horny teenagers until you entered your shared home. Once the front door closed, you both added stripping into the mix, resulting in a trail of discarded garments that led to your shared bed with you both in it, unable to keep your hands off each other.
After several rounds, you both were finally satiated enough to lay still enough and cuddle. You both were lying on your sides, facing each other. He tucked you under his chin, and you rested your head on Logan’s arm that he was lying on. His other arm was draped over you, and he was slowly rubbing up and down your bare back. One of your hands was sandwiched between your husband’s cheek and a pillow, and your other was gently running through his hair.
Logan broke the silence first. “Sooo…remind me what your question was, love.”
You smiled at his sudden shyness. “How did you learn about sex?”
“Mmm, yep. I heard it correctly the first time then.” You giggled, and he continued, “I mean, I learned mainly from my Pa. Like other kids, at some point, I wanted to know where babies came from. ‘Course, it was a bit difficult understanding that at that time since it was jus’ me and my Pa, but some of the things we came across in the ruins, well, they were…educational.”
“And by that, you mean…?”
Logan tilted his head up, trying to recall specifics. “Well…some of it was actually educational, like books about the human body, so Pa took the time to go through them with me, including the parts ‘bout, er, well, lady parts. Then there were more…interesting things that we’d find hidden under beds and such.”
You had a fairly good idea what your husband was referring to based on your own experience, but you wanted to hear him say it. “Like…?”
You could’ve sworn Logan suddenly became several degrees warmer. “Like…magazines with lotsa images of naked ladies an’ things like that. Pa had to explain to me why those existed, so I was kinda forced at that point to learn ‘bout sex an’ how it related to babies.” The hand that was rubbing your back had found its way on his face, hiding any embarrassment that he might be feeling. As an afterthought, he added, “it was rare that we came across the guy equivalent.”
“That’s typical,” you commented, thinking about what you had found. “But instead of pictures of naked guys, it’s usually books with descriptions of them because they’d be stories with explicit sex scenes — most often, between a man and a woman.” You paused briefly to consider the implications. “The stories are usually told from the woman’s perspective, so I guess that would be the closest thing to something equivalent to the magazines with pictures of naked ladies, I mean.”
“…I think I just learned something new.”
“Have you never come across books like that in the ruins?”
“Not really but I also try an' avoid going into the rooms that were meant for ladies only. Felt wrong to go in there even if no one’s been there in a while…”
“That’s sweet of you,” you smiled. There was never an end to the things that made you fall harder for the man you married.
He kissed the top of your head in response, and his hand returned to rubbing your back absently. “Sooo then what about you, darling? How did you, uh, learn about sex?”
"Hmm, well..." You had to really dig into your memories since you were never really shielded from learning about sex and reproduction even from a young age. Your education on the topic started quite young, for better or for worse. Still, it was taught matter-of-factly and dryly, as you recalled it. "I learned some very basics as a kid in school since they wanted to make sure the girls were prepared before they got their first period. Since menstruation and reproduction are inherently linked, they really couldn't avoid talking about menstrual cycles, safe sex, conception...oh, and male anatomy. Ah, but if it makes you uncomfortable to talk about this, I can stop"
"Now why would I want that? I wanna know everythin’ ‘bout my wonderful wife’s body down to each strand ‘a hair.” He gave you a reassuring kiss. “I’m jus’ thinkin’ that sounds more...comprehensive than what I learned."
"I mean, you didn't really have the same opportunity growing up..." you quietly commented, not wanting to dip more of the tragic history of the previous iteration of the school in Sandrock. "Buuuut! You did get to learn a lot of other things hands-on, which sounds a lot more interesting than learning a bunch of theory."
"Maybe, but my wife is so capable even having learned most theory, it feels like I can never catch up" he playfully complained and rolled onto his back as if defeated. You adjusted yourself so that you your head lay on his chest.
"You're being silly. You are very capable, especially as a monster hunter, and you know and can do plenty of things that I can’t." You pinched his nose playfully to snap him out of that mindset.
"Alright, alright," he chuckled. "My wise wife does know best, so who 'm I to argue?" Before you could protest, he pulled up the blanket to cover you both and then caressed your face. "Let's get some rest now."
Right as you were going to agree with going to sleep, you exclaimed, "oh! I remember now! The whole point of why I brought this all up!"
"Mhm?"
"Well...Andy's getting older now, so I was wondering if you had taught him about safe sex yet…?"
Logan moved his arm to cover his face. "I, ah, a bit? We came across some interesting things in the ruins, so me an’ Haru tried to turn it into a learnin' moment like my Pa did, but..." Logan let out a deep sigh.
"...it didn't go well?"
"Me an' Haru, we did our best, but it was definitely..." He gave a nervous laugh. "...tough. I mean, it’s a bit of an awkward topic to bring up in the first place, and I think Andy found it a more than a little embarrassing." I think you also found it embarrassing, you thought to yourself with a smile
"So then...safe sex? You know that he's a teenage boy now, and I would rather there not be any unplanned pregnancies."
"Well, hey now! Andy's a good kid as well as Jas-“ He stopped himself and cleared his throat. “I mean, the other kids in Sandrock are a good bunch too. I’m sure he'd never do that."
"Maybe not intentionally, but he would if he lacked the proper knowledge. Weren't you also once a horny teenager?"
"I mean...yea. I get yer point. For me, I never really had a problem with it since I was too busy fightin' monsters and bein’ out an’ about with my Pa.”
"Makes sense."
"But that makes me wonder…how’d you manage as a horny teenage girl?"
You didn’t expect him to ask such a question given his previous shyness about the topic, so it took you a moment to respond. "Well...it's not too hard finding a hidden nook in Highwind to get...frisky."
"Ah, was that when you, uh, had your first time?"
"Erm, yea, but we used condoms and took all the precautions that we were taught about because I didn't want to have a kid so young...now that I think about it, they gave every student a bunch of condoms every year after having the sex ed lecture. I think they knew it would happen no matter what they warned, so they chose to take a more proactive response. Now that you mention it, when was your first time, love?"
Logan remained silent a while before finally responding quietly, "...with you."
Part of you was thoroughly surprised. "Why am I learning about this just now?" you mumbled, but you quickly added, "but it's nothing to be ashamed about!"
"Darlin’, I ain't ashamed, so don't worry 'bout me. Sure, I was nervous the first time we did it, but I jus’ did what felt natural and focused on makin’ sure I wasn’t hurtin’ you." His tone turned mischievous as he teased, "and I wasn't expecting my girl to be so direct and insatiable-"
"Hey!" you protested and slammed your body on top of him. "It's not my fault that my man just oozes sex appeal!" You pressed your lips to his as an offensive measure, and he responded in kind by wrapping his arms around you and pressing you closer. When you both finally broke apart for air, you continued adamantly, "and I think it's more accurate to say that you are an insatiable beast in bed. If I am, then it's because being a horndog is a contagious condition." You finalized your argument a grin and a boop to his nose.
"Mmm let's call it a tie then," he concluded and lifted his head to meet your lips once more.
"But we’re getting off-track now," you managed to say between kisses.
He gave an exaggerated sigh. "So teaching Andy about safe sex. What'dja have in mind, my clever little wife?"
"Well, my very sexy husband, I think it’d be good to at least make sure he knows the basics about sex, like what it could lead to and consent, definitely. Oh! and make sure that he knows how to put on a condom."
Logan suddenly stopped kissing. "I, uh, might need yer help with that last part."
"I thought you knew how to put on a condom– I've seen you do it before."
"Ah, er, you see, I just copied what you did the first time we, uh, were together. Back then, I was thankful that you took the initiative 'cause I didn't know how to, uh, bring it up. And then it wasn't long ‘til we got married and, y’know, stopped using them altogether."
"Ohhhh," you sounded in realization. Suddenly, a cheeky idea came to you. You pushed yourself up from Logan's chest and straddled him. Putting on your best seductive expression, you coyly asked, "then shall I give you a hands-on lesson right now, bandit boy?"
You felt his breath hitch, and he started gently kneading your ass. "Would really 'ppreciate it, little lady."
You leaned forward and grabbed an unopened condom from the bedside drawer, placing it then by Logan's leg on the bed. You indulged in a deep kiss, before peppering him with kisses, moving to his jaw, then to his neck, and finally further down until you reached his semi-hard cock. Using your mouth and tongue, you teased him to full mast. As you started opening the condom wrapper, you did your best to give your husband in the meanwhile, pushing out your chest to showcase your tits and grinding against his leg. Logan propped himself up on his elbows to watch as you began your makeshift lecture illuminated only by the moonlight.
"First, carefully remove the condom from the wrapper and check to make sure that there are no signs of damage. Then, place it on the head of the penis with the rolled side facing out." You felt Logan shudder when the unfurled condom made contact with his tip. "Next, pinch the tip of the condom to make space for the ejaculate before using the other hand to unroll the condom down the length." Logan tilted his head back and let out a delicious moan as you unrolled the condom down his cock. "And now the condom is put on and ready to use. Any questions?"
"Mhm, I got one, teach. What happens next?" he teased breathily.
"Show me what you think happens next, and I'll tell you if you're right."
It took several more rounds of "practice" before Logan felt confident enough to run you through the process himself. By the time you both fell asleep, the sun lay just below the horizon.
Logan decided to broach the topic with Andy on Sunday. You had prepared a simple wooden model for Logan to use for demonstration purposes. Of course, it had to look phallic, and you couldn't stop smiling during its construction, especially when you were rounding the tip of the wood rod and gluing wooden balls to the base. Logan didn't find it nearly as charming as you did, and he begrudgingly accepted the pedagogic tool.
You were clearing the dining table after dinner, and Logan and Andy were still sitting at their places across from each other, talking casually. You prepared hot chocolate (your own recipe that Andy preferred and not Logan's Pa's recipe) and took out some cookies in preparation for what was to come. You placed some on the dining table for the boys and then excused yourself to go and read on the sofa, though in reality, you were hiding just behind the dining room door.
"So, uh, Andy. Yer gettin' to that age now when yer Ma-" You lightheartedly rolled your eyes at being thrown under the bus. "-and me as well," he quickly added. "We jus' wanna make sure that you're staying safe an' not making dumb choices that can lead to serious consequences-"
Andy cut him off. "Are y'all trying to give me the birds and the bees talk?" he asked incredulously.
"Er, yea," Logan responded, surprised. "How'dja know?"
"You 'n Haru tried to do that once before but failed so badly!" Andy started cracking up as he recalled the memory.
"Hey! We're jus' tryin' to make sure that you can look out for yourself for when we're not around."
"I know," replied Andy with genuine understanding in his voice. "But 'nough talkin' 'bout ol' memories. What didja y'all want to talk to me 'bout today?"
"Well kiddo, I gotta make sure y'know how to be responsible when you do, uh, intimate things with another person, so 'n case you didn't already know, I was gonna show you how to put on a, er, condom and talk about some other stuff." Logan rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment at having to have this discussion with his adoptive son.
"Mhm, so show me then," said Andy slyly and sat back in his chair with his arms crossed.
"Alright then," mumbled Logan under his breath, surprised by Andy's nonchalant attitude. Logan pulled out the model that you had made and a few unopened condoms from a bag at Logan's feet. Using the mock appendage, you listened to Logan stutter and stumble over his words as he attempted to regurgitate what you had said to him two nights ago. You listened intently, trying to burn this moment into memory as you found your husband extremely cute when he felt embarrassed. Eventually, Logan managed to get the condom on the wooden phallus. "So that's about it. Got any questions?"
"Nah, but I am wonderin' somethin'." Loudly, he called out, "Come on out, Ma! I'm pretty sure yer listenin' in." Andy didn't use that title for you often, and it melted your heart every time that he did. But right now, you had mixed feelings since you knew he was using the title to be cheeky. You attempted to nonchalantly enter the dining room and take your seat next to your husband.
"Now that we're all here, I reck'n it'd be better to show what I know 'an to tell."
Andy moved the condom-donning model to in front of him and a grabbed a new condom. Deftly, Andy removed the used condom and tied it up as if it was actually a spent condom. He then took the new condom and correctly placed it on the wooden phallus without missing a beat.
He looked up at you and Logan as he finished. “Can I go now?” he asked with a shit-eating grin.
Amused, you dismissed him from this sex ed lesson. “Mmm okay you passed,” you said to your adoptive son and waved him away with your hand.
Logan chuckled and sat back in his chair, finally looking relaxed for the first time that day. He stretched an arm out behind you before resting it on the top of your chair. Turning to you, Logan sighed, “guess we had nothin’ to worry ‘bout, darling.”
“Apparently not.” You grabbed Logan’s hand that rested in his lap and gave it a squeeze.
Andy had left the dining table to leave his dishes to the sink but passed by the dining table once more with a devious expression. “Dunno why y’all would be worried. We learned this in school,” he grinned and shrugged. Just as the dining room door was about to close behind him, he stuck his head back into the room at looked directly at you two. As if it was an afterthought, he teased, “oh, but I also learned from personal experience.” He laughed treacherously as he quickly escaped to his room.
“You brat!-“ Logan shouted out and quickly rose from his chair to give chase. “We’re not done here!”
For the second time that weekend, your face was glued to a table, laughing uncontrollably at the shenanigans from the silly men in your life.