True Feelings

by Ladria

Summary:

After they settled their differences on Chen's island Cole and Jay are finally friends again, but Cole just can't forget what Jay said to him: "I was more upset about losing you."

So Cole decides to finally talk about feelings and their fight over Nya with Jay so they can truly resume their friendship. Just that Cole longs for something more than just friendship. But Jay can't have feelings for him, too, right? (Wrong.)

Or

Cole and Jay talk about the love triangle. Gayness ensues.

Notes:

I've actually had this ready for a few days now and just forgot.
This is the first oneshot of a series I've been planning for a while and that'll ultimately lead to somewhat canon compliant mudshock (with Nya and Cole being queerplatonic).
Set after Season 4.

After saving the world from Chen and his fake anakondrai life should be good for Cole. The team was together again. Zane was alive and doing great. And Jay finally was his best friend again. 

 

But some things just wouldn’t get out of his head.

‘I was more upset about losing you’. Cole just couldn’t forget those words Jay had told him. They barely left his mind, keeping him awake at night even when he pondered over life instead of sleeping. 

 

Cole had known he wasn’t straight for a long time, even though he’d tried to deny it as long as he could remember. But he couldn’t deny the feelings he had for Jay. He couldn’t deny the warmth he felt whenever they were close to each other, the slight prickling on his skin whenever they touched - and they touched a lot, with Jay giving out physical affection like free candy. The fluttering of his heart when he looked at the blue ninja.

 

But Cole tried to just ignore those feelings. He couldn’t risk their friendship again, not after he just got it back. Not after him and Jay just started to be normal again. It had still been a bit awkward the first few days, but when Cole just plopped down next to Jay grabbing a controller suddenly everything had been as it used to be. As it was supposed to be. No, Cole couldn’t give in to these feelings. He couldn’t let anything destroy their friendship again.

 

But those words just wouldn’t leave Cole’s mind, and he still felt like they had to talk about a few things. Cole really wanted to talk to Jay about it, but Jay just acted like their time as rivals, their time fighting each other, had never happened, and Cole feared that reminding him of it would only make things worse.

 

And so they kept playing video games together and joking around - though Cole sometimes hesitated to make the same jokes he would have dropped without thinking just a year ago, and he also noticed Jay was holding back - and making fun of Kai together and just ignoring the last year. Their friendship was back, but it still felt kinda strained.

 

After a week of that Cole finally managed to speak up. They were the last ones still awake on the bounty, sitting on the couch, shoulder on shoulder, playing lavazombies together. 

“Jay… Can we talk?” He asked. 

Jay looked at him and shrugged. “Yeah, sure. Anything wrong? We’re… we’re good, right? I mean… is there really anything to talk about?” Just as Cole suspected. Jay was still insecure about everything and just tried to ignore what happened, the same way Cole had tried to ignore it. 

 

“Yeah, we’re good, don’t worry Jay. But… just ignoring what happened feels kinda wrong. I mean, I’m glad we’re best friends again. I missed this. I missed you. But… It feels like there are so many things we still have to talk about,” Cole explained. “Like the fact that I never even liked Nya that way.” 

 

Jay blinked and tilted his head. “Okay, waitwaitwaitwaitwait. YOU’RE TELLING ME THAT NOW?” The blue ninja burst out. 

“Why didn’t you tell me that when I started to be a jerk to you? Why only now???”  

 

Cole let out a nervous laugh. “When did I have the chance to tell you? I tried to, actually, but you wouldn’t listen, and you were, as you just put it so nicely, a jerk to me. Honestly at first I didn’t even realize what was going on. I just knew that my best friend was suddenly fighting me, and I was completely confused, so I just fought back. I thought… it was some kind of elaborate prank, or something like that.” 

Cole sighed, remembering all that confusion. The one person he’d thought he could always count on, the person who’d been the first true friend he’d had in years, was suddenly screaming at him and trying to fight him.

It had been the worst he’d felt for years. 

 

“Oh… right. Yeah, I probably wouldn’t have listened to you… I’m sorry, Cole. I should have. I mean, I should have let you talk to me, I should have thought about it, but… I didn’t. I was just so hurt that you were Nya’s perfect match, especially since things already weren’t going that well between us, and… I didn’t think, and then I lost you both. I’m so, so sorry, Cole. I would have totally understood if you didn’t want to be my friend anymore after I messed up so badly. I always mess up, I always hurt the people I love the most, and… If you still rather would not be my friend anymore… I’d totally understand it,” Jay rambled, looking like he was about to cry. Cole put a hand on his friend’s shoulder. 

 

“I understand. It wasn’t fair that all of that was happening and… Yes, I was hurt. I just walked in and joked around and… suddenly you tackled me, and… I probably shouldn’t have fought back. This isn’t just on you, Jay. But I’d never not want to be your friend. I never wanted to lose you as a friend. I just… I thought you hated me for whatever reason, and… even after I realised what it was about… You weren’t backing down, so neither did I, because… You know how stubborn I am. Just backing down would have felt like admitting defeat, and I just couldn’t do that at the time. That’s on me, Jay. I should have tried to talk to you,” Cole said, slightly squeezing Jay’s shoulder. 

 

The other leaned against him a bit, almost instinctively. They used to cuddle a lot, especially when it had been just the two of them at the monastery. 

Jay had always been an extremely affectionate person, and Cole had been completely touchstarved after falling out with his father, attending a school he’d hated and then running away and living on the streets for a few weeks, so naturally he hadn’t minded when his new friend had cuddled up to him during movie nights and gaming sessions, and neither had he minded all the hugs and other affections Jay had shown him - even before he had slowly started to develop a crush on the other teen. 

 

Not that he could tell him that, because telling Jay that he had romantic feelings for him would probably destroy the friendship again, especially because Jay seemed pretty straight. He had no chance with him, but that was okay as long as he didn’t lose him again.

 

“I’m sorry that I hurt you that badly. I should have thought before just attacking you, I mean…  we’ve known each other longer than anyone else on the team, and… You were my first true friend, Cole. I never had any friends at school, because I was the nerdy poor kid from the junkyard, and I always talked to much and I just don’t get social cues most of the time, so no one wanted to be my friend until I met you, and you didn’t mind my ramblings, or at least you didn’t always tell me to stop, and… You just accepted me as your friend. I never had anything like that as a child. And then the moment the girl I like seems to be more interested in you I just… destroy everything.” 

Jay was shaking now, obviously trying to keep tears down, though Cole could see his friend’s eyes watering. 

 

“I’m a terrible friend, Cole. I should have never let Nya come between us. I mean… Yeah, I still have feelings for her and everything, but… you’re my best friend. I should have known that you wouldn’t try to… how did I put it? Steal my girl? And now she barely even talks to me anyways, so it was all for nothing. You’re not to blame for any of this, Cole. I’m the one to blame here. And maybe that stupid perfect match machine, and that Nya listened to it. I’m so, so sorry, Cole…”

Jay stopped talking, tears streaming down his cheeks now, and Cole softly wiped them away and pulled Jay into a full hug. 

 

“I didn’t have many friends either, you know? I had some in my early childhood, but then my mom got sick and my dad tried to coach me so I could make them both proud, and I just didn’t have any time for friends anymore, and I also didn’t feel like making friends, and… I was always a rather quiet kid. You may have noticed or not, but I’m actually pretty introverted. Too many people at the same time tend to scare me. 

I used to be really shy, and then I met you, and suddenly I had a friend who didn’t mind me being rather shy and quiet, and… and I finally found what I was missing all those years. You’re not a terrible friend, Jay. Most of the time you’re the best friend I could have ever wished for. So… Of course I accept your apology. Nothing will come between us again, okay? Nothing. From now on we just talk about our problems before they become too big to handle, got it?” Cole did notice that Jay seemed to circle around the same things over and over again, but he didn’t mind. 

If his friend needed to get those things out he would listen, and he would reassure him over and over again. But he still needed to ask Jay about those words about being more upset about losing him than losing Nya, they just wouldn’t leave his mind. 

 

Jay nodded, burying himself into Cole’s hug, and Cole just held him for a moment, soothingly rubbing his back, patiently waiting for Jay to catch his thoughts. He would always be there for Jay, even if it meant keeping his feelings for his best friend a secret. He couldn’t do anything to risk their friendship ever again.

 

“I’m glad… Not being your friend was the worst thing ever,” Jay finally said. “And… I was scared… that if I acknowledged what had happened after we made up I would lose you again. That’s why I didn’t say anything. I can live with having lost any chance of a relationship with Nya, as long as I have you as my best friend back. I missed you, Cole. I wouldn’t have admitted it just a few weeks ago, but I really missed you, and I didn’t know how to fix things, so I just ignored it and kept fighting you, because I thought I could never fix this. But… Can I ask you something…?” 

 

Cole nodded. “Of course. You can ask me anything, Jay. Open communication, you know?”

“You said… you fought because you were confused, but then… You didn’t just fight me, you also tried to get Nya’s attention. Why? I mean, you don’t have to answer, I’d just like to know,” Jay asked a bit hesitantly. 

 

Cole had to think about that for a while. Not because he didn’t know the answer, but because he wasn’t sure how much he could tell Jay without risking anything again. 

Because the truth was that, even after he had accepted that he was gay, he was scared because of it. 

He was scared his father would disown him, so he was still hiding it. He was scared how the other ninja would react, so he didn’t tell them. He was scared of not being normal, which was ridiculous because he was already a ninja, which was very much not a normal occupation, but being gay was a different kind of not being normal than just having a really weird job that included saving the world every few months. 

But Jay was his best friend, right? He could tell him and he could trust him not to ditch him because of that, right?

 

“I saw it as my chance to be… normal,” he quietly admitted, and Jay blinked at him in confusion. 

“What do you mean with that?” He asked. “You know, having a normal hetero relationship which is accepted by society without anyone thinking it is wrong. That kind of normal,” Cole said awkwardly. 

Jay looked even more confused. “Cole, I have no idea what exactly you’re talking about. Please, enlighten me.”

Cole took a deep breath. “Well… uh… I’m… I’m gay,” Cole managed to bring out, not daring to look at his friend’s face. 

 

“Oh.” 

That was not the reaction Cole had expected. He wasn’t even sure what he had expected, but… 

“Oh? Seriously? All you have to say to that is ‘Oh’?” He questioned, completely confused. 

“Yeah. Oh. I think that’s a valid reaction. Like, Oh. You’re gay. That’s nice. Guess now is a good time to tell you that I’m bi?” Jay said cheerily.

 

Now it was on Cole to just say “Oh”, getting him a playful punch from Jay. 

“Seriously, Cole, you think I would mind you being gay? I’m happy for you that you figured it out, and it doesn’t change anything between us. Seriously, I doubt anyone here would mind, like, you really think there is one entirely straight person besides maybe Sensei Wu on this ship?” Cole did notice that Jay was blushing just a bit, and Cole didn’t even know what to feel.

 

Did this mean he did have a chance with Jay? No. No, it probably didn’t, because even with Jay being bi, Jay loved Nya. He did just say that he still had feelings for her. There was no way the blue ninja had a crush on him too. There was no way he’d want Cole that way.

 

“Yeah… I’m glad I finally told you. I’ve kinda known for years, but… my dad’s kinda homophobic. He doesn’t mean it in a mean way, but he said some things in the past, and… You saw how he reacted at first to me being a ninja, and… honestly, I’ve never told anyone before,” Cole admitted. He was glad about his dark skin - at least Jay wouldn’t be able to see if he was blushing. 

 

“Yeah, I get that. I guess in that case I’m honored you’re the first one to tell me. Your secret is safe with me, though I still think you don’t have to hide it here. I doubt any of us will judge you in any way, but it’s your decision, and I’ll support you no matter what you choose to do,” Jay reassured him, and Cole pulled Jay into a hug. 

“Thank you… I really appreciate it. I’ll think about telling the others, just… I’m not quite ready for that yet. You’ll be the first one to know when I am ready,” he said. 

 

For a moment they just sat there, enjoying each other’s company, both lost in their own thoughts. Cole knew he still wanted to ask about those words Jay had said back in the arena, even though he probably already somewhat had that answer. Jay had already stated that he the friendship was more important than anything, right? But he knew this was his one true chance, and…

 

“Did you ever have a crush on someone I know? Do you have a crush on someone I know? I mean, you don’t have to answer those questions, but you’d totally tell your bestie, right?” Jay interrupted his thoughts. 

 

Once again Cole was glad it was hard to notice him blushing due to the dark color of his skin, because he felt the heat in his cheeks. What was he supposed to say? That the person he had a crush on was sitting right next to him?

 

“...Hold on, zaptrap. I’m not gonna answer that question this easily so you can tease me about it,” he said, trying to play it off. 

Luckily, Jay just laughed. “You know me too well,” he said, and Cole awkwardly joined the laughter. 

 

“There’s something I wanted to ask you about,” Cole finally said after they stopped laughing. “You… you said that… while you were hurt over losing Nya… you were more upset about losing me. What did you mean with that…?” 

 

Jay seemed to think for a moment. “I mean… Isn’t it obvious? You’re my closest friend. You were my first real friend - we’ve talked about that, didn’t we? And… I didn’t know how to fix it or if there was anything left that could be fixed, and that hurt. Badly. So… instead of talking about it with you I just doubled down on everything because I felt like that was the only way to move on? Also… Imightlikeyouinmorewaysthenfriendship.” 

The last part was said incredibly fast and rather quietly and Cole thought he had heard wrong. He blinked in confusion, though he felt some hope.

 

 “What was the last thing?” Cole asked, raising his eyebrow. 

“Nothing, nothing, just forget that, I’m so stupid, I shouldn’t have said that, because it’s gonna destroy our friendship again when I likeyouinmorewaysthanjustfriendship,” Jay immediately rambled on, backing away a bit from Cole. 

 

“Jay, calm down, okay? Calm down and say it more slowly so I can understand it, because you’ve said it twice now, but even I can’t keep up with that speed,” Cole said, his heart beating faster.

 

Jay blushed violently. “And I said forget it. Our friendship is more important than some stupid crush,” the lightning ninja said, sounding almost angry.

“Wait, what stupid crush? You mean… on me?” Cole asked, trying to piece everything together. 

 

Jay nodded before he started rambling again: “I’m so so sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything, now I’ve destroyed everything again, I mean… It’s really not a big deal and I’m happy to just continue our friendship and ignore it and…”

 

Cole interrupted Jay. “Shut up!”, he said. His heart was beating faster. Maybe he did have a chance with Jay after all. 

“What?” Jay asked. “I mean, I am the most terrible friend ever, we just made up and now this, and…”

“Shut up,” Cole said again, and when Jay opened his mouth once again Cole did something he hadn’t expected of himself - he pulled Jay close and kissed him on the lips. He felt Jay stiffen for a second before leaning into the kiss before they both pulled away. 

 

For once, possibly the first time in his life, Jay was speechless while Cole tried to comprehend what had just happened. He had just… kissed Jay on the mouth. After the other had confessed that he had a crush on him, which had seemed impossible just an hour ago. They just looked at each other in shock and awe. 

 

“Uh… I probably shouldn’t have done that,” Cole finally said after what felt like an eternity. “But… well… I also have a crush on you?” 

 

Jay blinked at him, apparently still trying to comprehend everything. “Waitwaitwaitwaitwait… So… You… like me. Like, that way. And… uh… wow. But also, why would you like me like that, I mean, I’ve been nothing but a jerk towards you the last year and…”

 

“Jay, I wasn’t sure how to tell you. Like, you asked me why I was a jerk back to you? Well, one of the reasons was that I was jealous. I was jealous of Nya, because you love her and I wanted you to like me that way, but I was sure that would never happen. 

I’ve had a crush on you for quite a while now. Like, you’re so funny and smart and sweet, and it’s just so easy to like you, but I thought I’d never have a chance anyways because I thought you were like the straightest person ever, and you were dating Nya, and I was scared to admit to anyone that I’m gay, so… I never thought we could be more than friends,” Cole explained. He could almost see the gears turn in Jay’s head. 

 

“Okay, okay, but like… why me? Like, I’m nothing special, I’m the weakest ninja, I’m the guy who always needs help, I wouldn’t have even made it through that tournament without your sacrifice. I’m just… I’m just some poor kid from a junkyard who talks too much, doesn’t understand social cues and for some reason is able to harness lightning. Like, there is nothing special about me, compared to you, compared to anyone else from the team, and…” 

 

“And you were the first person to ever just take me as I am after my mom passed away. I wasn’t doing well at the time we met first. I was still grieving my mom, I had run away from my dad, and I didn’t know what to do with my life, even after Sensei Wu took me in, but then I met you, and you were everything I wasn’t. You brought joy back into my life, Jay. You’re the brightest person I know. What is there not to fall in love with about you?” Cole interrupted his friend, taking both of his hands. 

 

“I suppose that’s a rhetorical question?” Jay asked. “I… I’m not sure when I started to realize what I was feeling for you, but… It’s been not that long ago. I think… Maybe I realized once I thought I really lost you for good. After… after Zane defeated the overlord, and we would keep arguing, and then you left and… even though I didn’t want to I, was sad about you leaving, and that’s when I also left. And then Lloyd tried to bring the team back together, and… I wanted to still be mad at you, because otherwise I would have to think about losing Nya, and… when we suddenly had to fight each other, that’s when I realized, I think,” He explained. 

 

Cole listened and thought for a moment. 

“But… you still love Nya, right?” He finally asked. He didn’t want to make himself too much hope. He was fine with keeping their relationship as a friendship, the only important thing was that Jay was in his life again, that they were on good terms again, and if Jay still would prefer to try and win Nya back… It was fine with him. 

 

Jay looked at him, his expression utterly miserable. “Yes, I do, but… Let’s be honest. I don’t have any chance with her anymore. She barely talks to me, and things are just awkward between us, so… I doubt I have any chance with her again anytime soon,” he said, and Cole gave him a supportive pat on the shoulder.

 

“I understand. I’m sorry you lost that… But you know who you do have a chance with? Me. I’d love to… I’d love to be your boyfriend. If you want that too, I mean,” he said softly, and Jay’s face lit up. 

“Really? You want to date me?” He asked, a grin blooming on his face.

 

Cole nodded. “That’s what I just said, bluebell. I’d love to date you if you want that.” The nickname came out just naturally, said with fondness this time, and suddenly Jay threw himself into Cole’s arms. 

“If course I want to, Cole! This… Wow. Uh… can I kiss you?” He asked. 

o

“You didn’t even have to ask,” Cole said with a chuckle, and this time, there was nothing awkward about it when their lips met.

 

Notes:

I hope you enjoyed. This was my first time writing Cole and Jay in a romantic sense.
I'm not sure yet which of the many planned oneshots I will write next, but more will come eventually.

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 1 of Mudshock Collection