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Rumi lies in bed, unable to sleep, tracing her patterns with her finger. She thinks about the scars underneath that can only be seen if you know to look for them. She's glad Mira and Zoey haven’t noticed them (yet). She really doesn’t want to have that conversation. Besides, they’re all (mostly) healed now, so what does it matter?
That habit started in her early teens. She tells herself that she did it because she thought it would make the patterns go away; but the truth is, she knew that would never work. No, the real reason she started was… well, there wasn’t really a reason. It wasn't for no reason, but it wasn’t for a reason. She kind of just... did it. And didn’t stop. Maybe she felt like she deserved it (which she does). Maybe she felt like she had to see her pain for it to be real. Who knows? She doesn’t even know.
She already had to hide her patterns anyway, so it was no trouble to hide the wounds and scars. She always made sure to stay inside the purple lines already staining her skin. She had never let herself think about what the scars would look like after her patterns were gone. And now, she doesn’t linger on the thought.
Her mind drifts to that day at the tree; about her conversation with Celine — what she asked the person who raised her to do. It wasn't the first time Rumi had had Those Thoughts, of course. They had been a constant throughout her life. Not too intense most of the time, but always in the back of her mind. The only thing pushing them down was the thought of finally sealing the Honmoon. She always figured Those Thoughts would disappear along with her patterns (and scars). And although those events didn’t exactly go as planned, the outcome was still relatively the same. The Honmoon is stable, and Gwi-Ma can’t control her. She’s free.
So… why? Why is she still having These Thoughts? She knows now how much Mira and Zoey truly love her and care about her — they had a big, long conversation about it after the events of that night. They reassured her that her patterns don’t change anything, that they both still love her no matter what. (Rumi wonders if they would still say that if they knew about her scars.…) Although… she still hasn’t told her girls what she asked Celine to do. She just… hasn’t felt it necessary. …Okay, that’s a lie. She knows she should tell them. She just doesn’t want to face it. She doesn’t want to face Those Thoughts and the fact that she had asked for them be acted on. She doesn’t want to face the two people she loves the most and tell them that she almost… that she almost left them, willingly.
She doesn’t want to face Mira and Zoey with the truth, and to burden them with her problems. She's already done enough of that lately.
And so she lies alone in bed, letting The Thoughts consume her. It’s strange… they’re comforting, almost. They’ve been with her her whole life. She suddenly thinks that it would’ve been worrying had they vanished completely like she thought they would. She knows it’s not healthy, and she should probably talk to someone about it. And she will… eventually. For now, she welcomes The Thoughts like an old friend as she drifts off to sleep.