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It all started with that human. That one damned human. The fungus was perfectly content, serving its colony and princess. When a group of meals walked in, the fungus wasn't worried at all, even as the meals killed extensions of the colony. It thought, "Oh lucky, a chance to prove my usefulness to the colony!"
Earlier, it had decided to take the form of something it had seen in one of the previous meal's possessions, a substrate made of flat, floppy, white wood with ink all over it. After the princess had absorbed the meal, she deemed fit to transfer the meal's literacy skills and some memories to the fungus. And that's where the fungus learned what moths were, by reading that book.
Along with that, humans, as most of the meals were called, really like things they consider to be 'cute', something the fungus didn't quite understand. However, the memories held many references for the word, so after some studying, it combined the moth with the 'cuteness' to create a new form: a black moth with big round eyes. But something was missing... It was then that the princess directed its attention to some inedible 'glasses' lying on the ground. She had no need of it, so the fungus decided to try them on.
Wearing the glasses brought a sense of completion to this form, so the fungus bid the princess farewell and left to find a good spot. A plan had already formed in its mind: copy its fellow fungi in pretending to be a victim, charm any meals it comes across, and lead them to the princess. Simple. It passes by some of the guard fungi, then takes a nice, comfy spot and waits. The guard fungi stand by it, prepared to ensnare any meals that come near.
Soon enough, it hears commotion and fighting. Hm, these meals seem strong... They'll be problematic, but at the same time, the princess will be quite pleased if it brings the meals to her. Hm... the fungus will just have to see these meals for itself. The fungus screamed for help, then the meals appeared and made short work of the guards to 'free' the fungus.
It didn't take much to convince the leader of the meals that the newly-dubbed 'Phillippe' was a friend. In fact, the cuteness tactic worked like a dream! The leader, Sam, kept smiling at it, utterly charmed by it! He even dismissed one of his party members so that Phillippe could tag along, and luckily, it was that small and toothy meal that didn't have much meat to begin with, so it wasn't even much of a loss to begin with.
Everything was going perfectly.
At least, that's what the fungus thought.
Against all odds, Sam and the remaining meals have been completely uninfected. The fungus doesn't know how or why, but their minds remained their own. And now... now the princess is dead. And the fungus is trapped in a bucket, hurting, hurting, hurting...
It's dry. Painfully dry. It can hear voices, footsteps, meals just out of reach. Sam keeps talking to it. Sam. Regicide. Everyone in the colony is dead, and it's because of Sam. And...
Itself.
It lead Sam to the princess. It didn't protect her. It wasn't strong enough. And now, the fungus is the only one of its kind. It can feel it. No mycellium songs, no dancing spores, nothing. Just this one insignificant piece of fungus and its catastrophic failure.
It's angry. So angry. It hates Sam more than anything else in the world. It wants to avenge the colony. Make Sam suffer the way it's suffering right now. Maybe the fungus could use him to start a new colony... Now that's a pleasant thought. The previous colony can rest easy knowing that it survives through the fungus, and a new colony will be born, stronger than ever thanks to such a powerful starting substrate.
But first, the fungus needs to grow a little more. It hasn't fully recovered yet, and it's in no state to fight. For now, all it can do is bide its time. It would try and take in its surroundings, maybe try to figure out weaknesses, but its senses haven't recovered, either.
Eventually, when its head is fully formed again, a figure comes into view. Its body casts a large shadow over the fungus, protecting it from the light. The fungus, not fully awake yet, relishes in this darkness.
"Wh... wha?" A feeling of calm washes over the fungus' body. It gets the urge to bring itself close, to lap up nutrients from its mother. "My queen, I... where am I? What is..."
The fungus grows dead quiet. Two legs, ugly dark cloth, one arm...
Sam. The human that ruined his life. The fungus can't even muster up anger. All it can do is stare in Shock. Sam stares back.
"Oh." The fungus gulps. "You... you won, huh."
Sam smiles down at him. "Welcome home, Phillippe."
The fungus leans its head back. "Home? What do you mean? Is..." The fungus knows the answer to the question it's about to ask, but part of it wants Sam to deny it anyway. To tell it that the princess is ok. "Is she dead? The, uh, princess."
Please let the fungus be wrong. Please. Please let the lack of mycellular connection be due to its location and nothing more.
"You're safe."
Safe...? What does that even mean?! Where are the others?! Where is the princess?! Please just tell the fungus that it's wrong about everything!
The fungus swallows its panic. No. Don't show fear. That's how predators get you. "But... why am I alive?" Then, a thought occurs to the fungus. Sam's words before killing him. "Y-you RESCUED me? Why?"
Sam pets the top of the fungus' head, keeping that same dumb smile. "I couldn't leave my best buddy behind."
Best buddy... Amusement fills the inside of its cellular walls in spite of the situation. "You GENUINELY still believe I'm real, huh. Incredible." It lets itself chuckle. "The spores should have cleared out of your system by now. I thought you would have snapped out of it. I thought there was no way you were actually THIS stupid."
Sam gives the spot behind its antennae some scratching motions. "I love you Phillippe."
The fungus shakes the hand off. "I feel bad for you. You're so INCREDIBLY naive." It sighs, mentally preparing itself to explain this to the dumb human AGAIN. "I am NOT Philippe. Phillipe ISN'T real. He was NEVER real. I made him up. I came up with the name on the spot when we first talked. It was between Phillippe and Roger."
There. Hopefully Sam will get it through his thick skull this-
"You're so smart, Phillippe!"
The fungus' jaw drops. "Are you even listening to a word I'm saying? I improvised the whole thing on the spot! To TRICK you. It's so FRUSTRATING that you haven't come to your senses yet." The fungus is about to groan, but then, a dastardly realization hits, and it can't stop itself from grinning. "You brought me back HOME! You brought me HERE! You are SO stupid! It's almost CUTE how trusting you are. I thought it was the spores talking before, but now I realize- it's just YOU.
Sam is STILL smiling. "You got me real good!" He accompanies that sentence with a wink.
A sadistic glee wells up inside. "You're in DANGER, you DENSE MOTHERFUCKER! I'll EAT YOU. It's MY PURPOSE." The fungus cackles, already imagining eating the several meals strewn about the home. Oh, how juicy and succulent they'll taste! The fungus must admit, it has always wanted to eat a meal itself, without having it filtered to him from the queen first. Maybe now is the day it finally accomplishes its dream!
The fungus makes eye contact with every meal at once before returning to Sam and continuing its carnivorous monologue. "The moment you FINALLY realize what's happening, you'll..." The fungus trails off as it starts to count the number of meals. "You'll... uh..."
For the first time, the fungus takes stock of the meals that surround him. There's... so many of them. Some of them the fungus isn't even sure are edible. There are...
-The Grinning Beast
-The tooth meal Sam had dismissed
-Female Jason Voorhees
-Several roaches in a trenchcoat
-A giant cricket man belonging to a mushroom-eating species
-A janitor with several galloms of fungicide
-A cultist
-A cross between a spider and a camera hiding its oversized body under a blanket
-A shadowy figure with a creepy white mask
-Some shadow spider thing that appears to be the child of the camera-spider and the shadow figure, that appears to absorb light
-Two arsonist teenagers, complete with molotov cocktails
-A... weird guy with acid leaking out of him
-A baby rat that Jason Voorhees has to hold back from chomping on the fungus
-A homeless man and his rat who the fungus swears it saw cooking and eating mushrooms the other day
-A giant vending machine monster
-That one annoying streamer
-The girl that causes chaos literally everywhere
-A spectral monster with no skin that stares at it with a single boggly eye, seeming to fade in and out of reality.
But last, and certainly not least, is the very same human that killed him: Sam. Sam, the stupid, delusional, crazed human that latched onto the moth named Phillippe, and brought it into this den of danger.
...WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT PHILLIPPE BEING SAM'S 'ONLY' FRIEND?!?!
"Oh...! HI!" The fungus screams. "T-thank you so much for r-rescuing me!" It backpedals so fast it swears it got a case of vertigo. Maybe it did, with its fungal body in this state. "I'm b-b-back! It's me, Phillippe again!" Please don't kill me please don't kill me please don't kill me.
Sam brings his face closer and closer and... wraps his arm around the bucket the fungus is in. "I love you, Phillippe."
"I love you too, Sam!" The fungus cries out, trying so hard to keep its voice steady. It's so scared that Sam is just going to place his hand on its head and twist. "I'm so s-sorry for being a meanie! That was the ugly no-good stinky fungus parasite in my brain! E-e-exactly like you said!"
Sam parts from the fungus with a smile. Is he actually buying this??!
"You were completely right." The fungus nods a little too hard. "You are SO smart. Don't l-listen to the mean mushroom guy! Mushrooms are famous l-liars!"
Sam's smile grows even wider. Then, a sniffle. Tears openly leak from his eyes. "I'm just so happy you're back."
The fungus shrinks a little at the open, messy display of joy. "W-wow. Uh..." How lonely can a guy be, goddamn. "I think I just need a little time! A-and maybe sone food! I'll be back to f-full bug strength!" The fungus' body churns at the word 'bug', but it must keep going. "I can feel my bug powers returning already! Even tax and accounting skills are coming back!"
Sam pumps his fist in the air. "I will get you so much food!"
"G-great!" At least that's something... "The mean m-mushroom might come back from time to time... just ignore him, okay?" There is no way it can keep this up forever.
"He's funny. I like him."
The fungus has absolutely nothing it can say to that.
The others shuffle off, confident that 'Phillippe' isn't going to jump out of the bucket and hurt anyone. Having less people watch it makes the fungus feel better already. Somewhat. Sam lingers, apparently not getting the memo that the fungus needs to EAT!
"Gimme some fucki-" The fungus catches itself just in time. "I mean, ah, my little bug belly is so grumbly! May I please have something to eaaaat?"
"What do you like to eat?" Sam asks, tilting his head to the side.
"Oh, I eat just about anything! It's how I got to grow so big as a moth, see!" The first part is true, fungi are not picky, unlike humans. That's one of the many reasons fungi are superior to humans.
Sam immediately pulls out a small spray bottle. "Would you like fungicide?"
The fungus freezes. "Say what now? F-fungicide? W-why?!?"
"To get rid of the parasite." Sam explains as though it's the most obvious thing in the world.
No. No no no no no no no. "P-please don't do that!" The fungus begs. "We m-moths are very s-sensitive to chemicals. I would probably d-die!" Is he messing with it?!?! Does he know?!
"Well..." Sam puts the fungicide away. "Think about it."
"T-thank you! You're so kind and thoughtful!" The fungus laughs in relief as Sam backs off. Does he KNOW??! Is this a MIND GAME?!
"Well, I'll make you something. Sit tight."
"Good! I can't wait!"
The fungus waits until Sam exits its view, then lets out a deep, deep sigh. What has it gotten itself into...
-----
When the bucket got too small for it, it knew that it was time to face the music. So it brings its arms out first, trying to ignore the way Hellen's gaze bores holes into it. It suppresses a shiver as the arms decompress and inflate. Ah, much better already. The fungus then leans over, bringing the bucket down so that it's on its side, and crawls out. With each move, more of its body is freed, expanding to its full size.
At last, the fungus is free of the bucket. It stands on shaky legs, which stop exanding after a few moments. It's nice to be mobile again. It was helpless before, after all. But that's all the fungus has got going for it, because everyone and their mother wants to kill him.
...Speak of the devil, Sam walks through the door, carrying a... a... kitchen knife. The same one that felled the princess. Carved into the fungus.
Carved and chopped and cubed and diced and julienned and minced and
Sam is standing in front of it! How did he get here so fast?!
The fungus must have yelped or something, because Sam looks at his knife and hands it over to Ernest before holding his singular hand up in what humans see as a peacemaking gesture.
"Hey." Sam gives the fungus a sympathetic look. "Are you feeling better?"
The fungus clears its throat as it regains its composure. "Oh hey. Yeah, uh... I'm up and about, now." A pause. Is Sam going to murder him?! "You did it! You rescued your friend Phillippe!" It says a little too quickly. Luckily, Sam's face doesn't seem to change.
"I'm glad. I was really worried about you, you know." Sam smiles again and places his hand atop where the fungus' cheek would be if it were human. "The whole time, I was wondering if you'd make it. Guess I should've never doubted you."
The fungus lets out a nervous laugh. It's all alone. Despite Sam's delusions, it's alone. It has no colony to go back to, and the monsters outside the apartment would kill and eat it. And it's certainly not strong enough to fend anything off by itself. The colony's whole survival tactic is... was strength by numbers and to work as a group. And now...
Now...
The fungus blinks away tears. It doesn't have a choice. To be alone means to die. If it wants to live, it has to stay with this crazy man, who's absolutely fixated on it.
The fungus swallows its pride (along with what might be bile) and takes a deep breath. "So... um. Can I..." Sam is waiting patiently for the fungus to finish its sentence. "Can I crash here for a while? I've never been-" Shit, it's rambling. "Uh, I mean," Stop stop stop. "I haven't been on my own in a long time! I'm used to be, uh, surrounded with friends. It's hard out there for a little moth!"
Shit shit shit, it almost blew its cover! Surely Sam is going to catch on and-
"Of course!" Sam grins from ear to ear. "You don't even need to ask!"
"Oh phew..." The fungus sighs. "I was worried you'd-"
"YAOI MOMENT!"
Everyone jumps at Dan's abrupt declaration. The fungus gets a good look at Dan's 'streaming setup' for the first time. It doesn't understand much, but there's text flashing across the screen, and every one-sentence paragraph has the word 'YAOI' in it.
Sophie looks up at Sam. "What's yaoi?"
"I'll explain later." Sam quickly says to her before directing his attention to Dan. "Dan, shut up! You're ruining the moment!"
"If you don't want me livestreaming yaoi, then get a room!" Dan cackles.
"WE'RE IN IT!"
"Then get a roomier room!" Dan puts his headphones on, then launches into a ramble about gaming.
Sam groans and puts his head in his hand. "Sorry about that, some people just want to butt their heads into everything."
The fungus frowns in confusion. "What's yaoi?"
"Yeah, tell us - hhh - what yaoi is!" Joel wheezes.
The rat baby, Joshua, scitters over to them. "YAOI!"
"Not you too, Joshua..." Sam groans. "Alright, new rule: the word 'yaoi' is banned."
That only serves to make the children start repeatedly screaming the word as they run around. Leigh laughs, though the fungus can't tell if it's out of genuine amusement or if it's just Leigh being Leigh. Ugh, why does it even matter? The fungus is sick of all this constant noise and chaos, especially thanks to Xaria and Monty.
The fungus steps away, into the bathroom. At last, a little bit of peace and quiet... It locks the door, then goes to the mirror. It stares into its reflection for a long time. This is the first time it has ever seen its own reflection. It looks different from that form the queen helped the fungus craft. It has turned white and gray, just like its original form. But it's also... different. It can't put its finger on how, though.
Ugh, whatever. It splashes some water on itself, relishing in the sweet sweet moisture. The water helps tremendously, helping the fungus to think more clearly. Not to mention how thirsty it is...
"Moth friend!"
The fungus jumps and whips around. The roaches 'face' it with their 'human eyes', which are covered with sunglasses.
"What do you want?!" The fungus bites out.
"We want new friend!"
"Fuck off! Can't you see I need some peace and quiet?!"
"We welcome friend! Welcome!"
The fungus grits the teeth-like hard mushrooms in its mouth. "Get out! I don't wanna be your friend!"
"But Phillippe, you're friends with Sam! Sam friends are roach friends!"
"OUT!" Phillippe points to the door.
The roaches slump over as it goes to the door. Then, the coat flattens to the ground, and the swarm crawls out through the crack at the bottom of the door. Ah, much better. The fungus keeps spreading water on itself, feeling its cellular structures fortify and grow. When not a single dry spot remains, it steps back from the sink and takes stock of its body again.
Even with this brief break from the people, the fungus' hearing has healed remarkably from the lack of noise and chaos. It never thought silence could be the most wonderful sound in the world... Anyway, the fungus visibly looks healthier, and less likely to wither. Maybe even stronger, too. But not strong enough. It can't kill Sam in this state. Killing Sam will have to wait until the fungus can take out the others by itself, or at least outrun them. A knock interrupts the fungus' plotting, and it sighs.
"What is it?"
"I want to talk to you."
Oh for the love of... Time to put on that moth persona, it guesses. The fungus fakes a cheery disposition, then steps out of the bathroom to face Sam.
"Holy shit, can you leave me al-" The fungus quickly catches itself. Seems like the mask cracked instantly. "Oops! I-I mean, um... even moths need a little 'me time' sometimes! Hee hee!"
"Can we talk for a bit?" Sam asks as he takes one of the fungus' hands.
"Suuuuure! I love love LOVE chatting with you!" Please leave the fungus alone.
"How are you doing? Do you want to go out at some point?"
Oh no. "O-ohhhhh, you want to take me out there with you? Ohhhh, great! Greeeeeat! Great! I can't waaaaait!" For the love of god don't take the fungus out there.
"That's wonderful, Phillippe! I'd love to take you out with me!" Sam squeezes the fungus' hand. "But first, how is your recovery coming along?"
"Ohhhh, I'm doing greaaaat!" Ash fills the fungus' mouth. "I'm so glad I don't have to worry about that wicked mushroom princess anymore! Yep! I'm doing greaaaaaaat!" The fungus' life revolves around tiptoeing around Sam's insane whims and trying not to get killed. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!
"Glad to hear it. We'll go out tomorrow."
"...Huh?"
"For now, just sit tight and get some rest. I've got some food in the oven, and plenty of games." Sam brings the fungus' hand to his mouth and presses his lips to it for some reason, then goes to the kitchen area.
What was that for? Ugh, whatever. The fungus takes a seat in the corner farthest away from the people, which happens to be the corner nearest the kitchen. Everyone's busy yapping away, off in their own worlds. Except for a few, such as the shadow the fungus is sharing the corner with. The fungus decides it likes this one better than the others. That's not saying much, though.
Sam works on some kind of sauce, from what Phillippe can tell. Lyle is sneaking over to him, and badly. Sam looks up at his approach, they share a kiss, then Lyle backs up to... flash a bright light at Sam? The fungus isn't quite sure what happened, only that they both seem pleased by the flashbang. Then, the shadow drifts over for a kiss as well. Then Spider. Spine does something different, choosing to wrap itself around Sam and making him shudder from head to toe.
It's disgusting, how all these people want the person that killed an entire fungal colony.
When the food is served, the fungus takes a portion for itself, then skulks back to its corner to eat by itself. The food isn't fancy, at least from what the fungus' implanted memories tell it. The meal consists of piping hot baked potatoes, slices of meat, some kind of shredded bread that smells oddly sweet, and the sauce from earlier. It's... different from what the fungus is used to. It's all hot... Does heating food make it unfresh? Would it be worse than the fresh humans that the colony used to eat?
Only one way to find out. The fungus fumbles with its fork until it remembers how to hold one, then stabs a piece of meat. It blows on the meat, then takes a bite... It's actually better than the nutrients that the princess gave him? The fungus stares at the meat. How could Sam's meal possibly be better than actual humans?
The fungus finishes the slice of meat, then tries the potato. Also better than human nutrients, especially with the butter. Same with the shredded bread, which tastes as sweet as it smells, with some kind of different sauce baked into it. Then, it tries the sauce with the meat. It's also good. Literally all of the food is good. And the fungus hates it.
Sure, it ate Sam's food before, but it was still out of it every time. It wasn't paying attention to taste, focused solely on recovering when it wasn't sleeping. Plus, having to be spoonfed by Sam killed the fungus' mood every time. Only now did the fungus get to appreciate the food. And it wishes it never noticed the taste at all.
A shadow gets cast over the fungus, and it looks up. Sam is looking down on him, with a plate of food in his hand and two glasses of water held between his arm and chest.
"You forgot to get a drink."
Ugh. Trust Sam to ruin every vaguely good moment the fungus has. It takes one of the glasses without a word and sets it by itself.
Sam carefully sits next to him, spilling a bit of food in the process, then sets the plate on his lap and struggles to set the glass down too. He fumbles with it, spilling water everywhere. When Sam loses half of the water to gravity, the fungus takes pity on him and puts the glass on the floor himself.
"Thanks." Sam smiles before he starts to eat. "Do you like the food?"
Ughhhhhhhh. "Oh, yes, I very much do! You're such a great cook, Sam! I love your food!" The fungus can't decide which is worse: the saccharine personality it has to take on, or the fact that it's telling the truth.
"Great!" Sam nods. "...You know you're welcome to sit with us, right?"
"Oh, uh, but everything is so very loud, and it's not good for moths to be surrounded by sound all the time!"
"I don't like it either..." Sam frowns as he cuts up a baked potato. "But we've just gotta deal with it for the time being. My apartment is one of the few safe places here, and I'd feel terrible about turning anyone out."
That explains all the people... If the fungus were in Sam's shoes, it wouldn't even let the janitor in through the door, let alone all these weirdos. ESPECIALLY Xaria and Monty. The two of them are a close third to Papineau in terms of how much the fungus hates them. Number one spot belongs to Sam, of course.
"Ah... you must be very generous indeed to let all of these smelly people scream their heads off inside your house! Veeeeery generous indeed!" The fungus can't help but let its sarcasm seep through.
Sam laughs a little. "Or maybe foolish. Either way, it's nice to have all these people around, even if they do get on my nerves. I've... been alone for most of my life. I was sad, and miserable, and lonely. But now I have you and the others!"
The fungus... wasn't expecting such a confession. "Why were you alone?"
Sam shrugs. "People just don't like me, for whatever reason. I'd try my best to get along with others, make friends, but no one would give me the time of day. It was... depressing, how often I got rejected. Eventually, I stopped trying altogether and resigned myself to being a broke middle-aged retail worker with no life and no partner. Then I lost my job. Then the..." Sam makes a vague gesture. "Everything."
The fungus searches its memories as Sam talks. It recalls endless labor, endless slogging away as humans treated the previous owner of the memories like garbage. Ouch. Best not to dwell on that too much.
"What about family?" The fungus asks. "Are they as strong as you? Where do they live? Do they keep their doors unlocked?"
Sam shrugs. "My parents are dead, the rest don't want anything to do with me."
The fungus pauses. "Huh?"
"I was disowned." Sam deeply frowns as he stares at his plate. "It... happened so suddenly. I still don't know what happened. One day, everything was fine, the next..." Tears well up in Sam's eyes. "I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring the mood down..."
"No no no! It's ok!" The fungus puts its hand on Sam's shoulder. "I... literally can't imagine what that's like..."
Sam sets his fork atop the plate and wipes his eyes on his sleeve. "Good. I wouldn't wish disownment on my worst enemy..."
The fungus thinks about what it'd be like if it was forced out of the colony just like Sam was forced out of his family. After a moment, it figures that the experience would be similar to what it currently feels in the wake of the deaths. Maybe that's what it's like to be dead to the people that once called you family...
Ugh, what is it even saying? It shouldn't sympathize with Sam. Sam is the one that took its entire world away.
The fungus takes a deep breath. "Just eat your food."
Sam does just that, taking another bite.
The fungus returns to its own plate. "Why does the bread taste so sweet?"
"That's bread pudding. One of the others taught me how to make it the other day."
The fungus quickly recalls the meaning of the word 'pudding', finding it to mean chocolate or vanilla semi-liquid semi-solid goop that comes in little plastic cups, and is eaten with a spoon. It's nothing like bread pudding, which keeps its shape, requires a fork, and tastes like spices.
"This isn't pudding..." The fungus reexamines the bread just in case. Nope. Still not pudding-like.
"It's from a time when the definition of the word 'pudding' was a lot laxer." Sam explains. "I don't know much more than that, but there's a scene in 'A Christmas Carol' where someone lights the pudding on fire." Sam laughs to himself.
The fungus can't help but laugh at that too. "Why would you do that? That's pudding!"
"It was a sort of spectacle for the guests. It was still edible afterwards, so they didn't waste it. When Christmas rolls around, I'll show it to you."
Oh, humans are so strange... "I hope there's no fire involved."
"Don't worry, I'll protect you." Sam presses a tiny kiss to the fungus' cheek. "I think you'll like the story. It's about ghosts terrorizing an old man into not being such a jerk."
The fungus freezes, barely registering the rest of the words. "Wh- why did you just kiss me?!?!"
"Because I love you." Sam smiles at him.
...Eh?
"Anyway," Sam takes a moment to finish off his plate. "I've gotta clean up here. It's getting late, after all. Lemme know when you're done."
Sam takes his empty dishes and brings them to the sink, then goes back to the table for the empty serving dishes. The others bring their own dishes to the sink one by one. And the fungus watches them all, utterly dumbfounded.
Sam... kissed it. Kissed the fungus. Kissed the fungus who's life he ruined. The fungus that he kidnapped. And now he's kissing his stalker partners like nothing happened. The sheer whiplash makes the fungus' head spin. It eats absentmindedly, not paying attention to taste.
Eventually, the masked shadow comes back over. It looks at the fungus curiously, then lowers itself to the fungus' level.
"What do you want?" The fungus grumbles.
The masked shadow opens its cloak to reveal a pillow, a blanket, and a teddy bear.
"Oh. Thanks." The fungus takes them.
The masked shadow presses its mask to the fungus' face before taking the dirty dishes and bringing it to the sink. Huh. Guess that thing likes the fungus too. Still not as weird as Sam kissing it, though.
Lyle is giggling as Sam poses for an impromptu photoshoot. His dark face is all pink as he uses several different hand cameras to snap photo after photo after photo. The fungus really can't see the point in it. Then again, it will at least give Lyle something to remember Sam by when the fungus inevitably murders Sam, so it guesses there's no problem with this.
"Ph-Phillippe!"
Phillippe stands up. "What?"
"Come p-pose with S-Sam!"
Oh for the love of... "Why?"
"I w-want a ph-photo of you both!"
Sam turns to the fungus. "Yeah, come join us! It'll be fun! We can celebrate your recovery!"
Oh no, now he got Sam going to... Guess there's no way around it, the fungus just has to keep being buddy-buddy with Sam. It goes over and stands next to Sam, not even trying to pretend to be happy. Sam wraps his one arm around the fungus and smiles like an absolute maniac.
"Say cheese!" Lyle points a camera with a slit at the bottom at them. Then, a bright light flashes, and the fungus finds itself blinded.
When the fungus' vision clears, it sees Lyle shaking some kind of paper. When he stops, he examines the paper and frowns. "Awww, you blinked!"
"Of course I blinked! I just got flashbanged, you idiot!" The fungus rubs its eyes.
Lyle shrinks back. "Sorry..."
"Don't mind him, he's just got a mean mushroom parasite." Sam goes over and kisses Lyle.
Lyle smiles and giggles, seemingly comforted by the kiss. Sam takes the paper, examines it, then tucks it into his pocket.
"Next time, turn the flash off, ok?"
"You got it, honey!" Lyle has regained his peppy mood. "Alright, let's try again!"
Sam goes back and embraces the fungus again. Lyle messes with the camera again, then after counting down, takes another photo. Another strange piece of paper emerges from the camera. This time, Lyle doesn't shake it.
"I didn't see either of you blink this time, so this one should be fine." Lyle sets the paper to the side.
"Can I see?" The fungus asks.
"Sure, but it hasn't developed yet." Lyle shows the paper to the fungus. The paper with a solid black square on it. "I only shook out the last one because I suspected it was a bad one."
"Any photo you take is great, Lyle." Sam reassures him.
Lyle giggles. "You flatter me too much!"
The fungus doesn't know much about photography, but it knows that photos are supposed to be, y'know, photos. "Was your finger covering the camera or something?"
"Ah, no, photos need time for the image to form. Most cameras need to be developed through a special technique, but in this camera's case, all we need to do is wait. Or shake the photo, if you're impatient. But that's bad for the photo, so don't do it." Lyle sets the photo to the side. "In short, just leave it alone for now, and you'll get your picture."
Fair enough. "Well, Sam, I guess that's our celebration picture!" The fungus squeals. "Now can you leave me al-"
"I've got a million more photos I could take!" Lyle butts in.
"Great!" Sam jumps up and down. "Let's take a million more!"
Oh no! "S-Sam! That's so many! We'd be up all night!" Not to mention the fungus REALLY doesn't want to keep posing with Sam...
"Awww, how about a few, then?" Sam bargains.
"...Alright. I guess I can squeeze a few more in for my bestest-estest-estest-ESTEST friend in the whole wide world!" Someone please shoot the fungus.
"Any poses you want?" Sam asks.
"Hm..." The fungus thinks for a moment. "How about one where I rip your belly open and spill your entrails everywhere? With oh-so-much blood everywhere!"
Sam laughs, but the fungus isn't sure why. "I don't have the props for that, but I can have you murder me! Lemme find something..." Sam goes around the room until he finds a toy knife that must belong to one of the kids. "Here, let's do two photos: One where you're about to stab me, and the aftermath."
"That sounds great!" The fungus takes the knife. It's not sharp by any means, but it'll at least help the fungus indulge in its fantasy. "I can't wait to kill you!"
Sam gets into position, then makes a terrified face as he holds his open palm to the fungus. The fungus gets a maniacal grin as it lifts the knife up. Seeing that look on Sam's face makes it feel amazing, even if it's fake. Both of them hold still as Lyle takes the photo.
"Got it!" Lyle calls out.
Sam drops the pose all too quickly. "Alright, I'm going to lay down, and I want you to put the knife in my armpit and pose victoriously over my body."
Sam does just that, and the fungus slides the knife between Sam's arm and torso. Lyle adjusts his camera angle as the fungus steps on Sam, places its hands on its hips, and smiles at the camera. Lyle pauses for a second, then takes the photo.
"Got it!"
Sam groans as the fungus takes its foot off. "Did you really have to put your weight on me?"
"Oh? Did I? Sorry, I must have gotten carried away, teehee!" The fungus puts on an innocent look before turning around.
A wall of woman stands before it, wielding a very real knife as she glares down at the fungus. It isn't remotely ashamed to admit that it screamed. And maybe tripped backwards, back onto Sam.
"Guys! A-are you ok?!" Lyle skitters over to them.
Hellen lowers her knife as she stares at the three of them.
The fungus crawls off Sam, then away from Hellen. "Wh-what are you doing?!"
"Posing." Is all Hellen says.
Sam groans as he pushes himself onto his hand and knees. "Hellen, maybe say something next time, ok?"
Hellen slips the knife into her shirt, still staring at the fungus. It can't help but let out a whimper.
"S-sorry I didn't say a-anything..." Lyle wears a guilty look on his face.
Hellen helps Sam onto his feet, who winces as he stretches his back out with a painful crack. Then, she steps towards the fungus. The fungus screams and scrambles back until it hits the wall, making Hellen stop and slowly back away.
"Urgh..." Sam stretches out his back once more, letting out a series of pops. "Hellen, please stop sneaking up on people. You almost broke my back there."
"...I'm sorry."
Sam straightens up, then goes over to the fungus. "Hey, Phillippe, you ok?"
"...Oh, uh, that lady really scared me!" The fungus lets out a nervous laugh. "She's, uh... Why do you keep her around, exactly?"
"Because she needs the shelter, just like the rest of us." Sam extends his hand to the fungus.
It takes several moments for the fungus to realize that Sam wants to help it up. The fungus frowns and stands up by itself. No need to be more touchy-feely than they already are. Sam seems... disappointed by that. Well, he'll just have to deal with it. The fungus isn't his friend, no matter how much he deludes himself.
"I... think I've had enough excitement for tonight. We moths are very sensitive to fear and stress, after all!" The fungus states, trying not to let the way Hellen stares at it affect it.
"Maybe tomorrow, then. It's almost bedtime, anyway." Sam gets some blankets and pillows and spreads them out. "So, the kids get the couch-" He abruptly stops as he notices Joshua staring up at him. "Oh. Are you checking in on me?"
Joshua nods.
"Aw, thank you." Sam gives Joshua a few scritches. "I feel better already, thanks to you."
Joshua tilts into the scritches. "Dada ok!"
"Yes, dada's ok."
Something about the scene reminds the fungus of... It turns away before Sam can see its face. It goes back over to the bedding that the masked shadow gave to it and gathers them up, quickly drying its eyes on the blanket.
Now, where to sleep... It definitely doesn't want to sleep near Hellen, or Dan, or Leigh, or Papineau, or any roaches, or... The fungus quickly realizes the list is getting long. Damn it.
"Phillippe, where did you go?"
The fungus sighs. "Over here."
Sam runs over to Phillippe. "So, as I was saying, kids get the couch, Morton and Papineau get the kitchen, Dan sleeps under the table, Spider and Mask stay in their corners, Hellen sleeps by the door, the roaches sleep in the bathroom and walls, Aster sleeps to the side of the couch near the wall, and Leigh sleeps by the tv. Me, Joshua, and Lyle sleep behind the couch. You're welcome to share our spot if you want."
That's... not a lot of spots. The fungus gulps as it mentally calculates where everyone would be, and finds that not a single spot would be a reasonable distance from the others. Looks like even trying to sleep is going to be a nightmare...
Shortly after, everyone is shuffling to their spots, except for the kids, who protest against bedtime. But Papineau manages to help Sam convince them to sleep. The fungus clutches its bedding to its chest. The only free spot it can think of is... the empty spot atop Sam's and Lyle's 'bed'. At least, it's the only free spot that's not directly next to someone out to murder the fungus.The fungus hesitantly walks over, bedding in hand, and lays down next to Sam, who is petting Joshua while Joshua lays atop his chest.
Sam looks over and smiles. "Joshua, look, it's Phillippe! Say good night!"
"Guh... Good nih!" Joshua waves to Phillippe.
"...Good night, everyone! I hope everyone gets lots and lots of sleep! ...Really!" Phillippe waves to everyone, then lays down. It vaguely registers some people saying good night to it.
It's exhausted. So exhausted. It didn't even do much, and yet the day just took so much out of it. Lyle wraps his arms around Sam as the fungus rests. Then, Sam lets out an oof as Spine lays down atop his legs.
"Is that even comfortable?" The fungus asks, noting all the bones.
"You mean Lyle? Yeah, he's fine."
"I meant Spine."
Sam's head suddenly shoots up. "You can see her?!"
"Sammy, not so loud." Lyle reminds him.
"Uh, sorry." Sam pauses for a moment, then starts to whisper. "You can see her?"
"Yes."
Spine makes eye contact with the fungus. Sam reaches down to blindly feel for her, but his hand passes through her.
"Spider's the only other person that can see her. She's invisible to everyone else."
...Huh? The fungus sits upright, and Spine keeps staring at it. Then, the fungus reaches out to Spine, its hand passing through her. Joshua briefly sniffs the fungus' arm, then curls back up on Sam's chest.
"Can you talk?" The fungus asks Spine.
Spine's mouth moves, but the fungus can barely hear the words at all.
"Can you hear her?" Sam asks.
The fungus shakes its head.
"Ah..." Sam sets his head back down. "Sorry, Spine. Guess I'll just have to visit you as usual."
Spine seems disappointed at that, putting her head down on Sam's lap. The fungus huffs and pulls a blanket up to its chest. Maybe if it closes its eyes, it can pretend that the blanket is made of mycelium instead of... What are blankets made from? Ugh, stop thinking, it'll only prevent sleep.
But try as it might, it can't find any sleep. The broken, unhealed state that lended itself well to a practical coma is gone, and now the fungus' body has decided that it has no excuse to sleep again. The fungus stares at the bumpy ceiling, trying to will itself to sleep. But no matter how much time passes, it just can't fall asleep.
Sam reaches over and finds the fungus' hand, taking it into a tight hold. The fungus gasps and jolts. Was its insomnia really that obvious?!
"Can't sleep either, eh?" Sam whispers into where the fungus' ear would be on a human.
"Nope." The fungus rolls onto its side. It contemplates ripping its hand away from Sam, but decides not to. No point in causing a scene this late.
Sam squeezes the fungus' hand. "I've... had a lot of strange dreams, ever since this all started."
"You mean with the...?" The fungus trails off as it realizes it doesn't quite understand what's actually happening outside.
Sam nods. "Did you look outside?"
Uh oh. Make something up, quick! "Did I look outside? Uh. Yes. I must have! That's how I got to be so big, right? That's what we're going with!"
"I've heard it's beautiful out there." Sam stares at the ceiling. "But I'd rather just have the ordinary outdoors back. What about you?"
The outdoors... The fungus only knows it as a concept, having spent its entire life in this building. But moths live in the outdoors, right? The fungus won't lie, it wants to see what's so great about the outdoors. But not yet. Every single person the fungus has ever met made it very clear how dangerous going out it.
"I'm just hoping my widdle moth friends and family are ok. They're not as strong as me, you know. Or big. Some of them even have broken wings!"
"I hope they're ok, too." Sam slightly scoots closer, careful not to disturb Joshua. "But... I wouldn't get your hopes up. I've seen random cars get turned into monsters."
Cars...? "I wouldn't know about that, I'm just..." The fungus yawns. "I'm just a moth."
Sam stops talking. The fungus thinks he went to sleep, until he speaks again. "What do you think will happen?"
"Uh... I don't know. I'm just a little moth! Hee hee!" The laugh is, admittedly, quite weak.
"I don't know either..." Sam sighs. "Anyway, I'm getting tired. Let's just call it a night."
"...Goodnight." The fungus closes its eyes. It hears both their breaths slow, and it drifts off to sleep.
In its slumber, it completely forgets to let go of Sam's hand.
-----
Guess what? It's Mazes and Wizards time! And the fungus doesn't understand a thing about it, only that it's joining a pre-existing 'campaign.' It would rather join a campaign to kill Sam, if it's being honest...
Lyle rambles the rules out and helps with character creation. After some thought, the fungus adds the finishing touches, then sits up and presents the character sheet with a smile.
"Hee hee! Of course! My character is a fat, stupid, bungling imbecile! He smells, he's ugly, and everyone hates him! Hee hee! He's a Human warrior named Sam!" The fungus declares with a giggle.
To its surprise, a second giggle comes from the seat directly next to it. Sam finds this funny, somehow.
"Oh, you sassmeister." Sam leans on the table with his elbows. "Did you work with your mushroom on it?"
"Uh..." The fungus sweats a little. "Teehee, the mushroom is always working with me! It's inside me, silly!"
Sam doesn't seem to react to that. "Anyway, love the character!
Lyle shifts around in his seat on the floor. "Ummm... Sam, are you okay with this?"
"Of course!" Sam wraps his arm around the fungus. "Phillippe is my best friend!"
Lyle glances at them both. "Well, um... o-okay... whatever you say... moving on..." Lyle clears his throat and gathers his notes.
Then, Lyle launches into an explanation of where they are, and who the bad guy is. Apparently, they're in prison, and they need to get out so they can kill a corrupt king. Seems simple enough, especially with multiple thieves in the very large party. The fungus doesn't contribute to the jailbreak, but it does put its character in several embarassing situations, which is far more valuable in its opinion.
As for Sam, he somehow still doesn't mind it. In fact, he laughs right along with the fungus no matter what it says. Does Sam even realize he's being insulted? Maybe he really is just stupid. Whatever. It's all the same in terms of the game.
Besides that, there's a lot of screaming from Leigh and Sophie. Some of the players are taking their characters quite seriously, while others... don't seem to care. Maybe... the fungus could sabotage everyone's efforts? ...Nah. Admittedly, this is really fun. The fungus has never toyed with its imagination before. It kind of wants to-
"I slap his bald head." Sam says out of nowhere.
"I also wanna slap his bald head!" Sophie shouts out!
"Me too." Xaria smirks.
"Me three, huh huh huh." Monty flicks his lighter on and off.
Huh?
"Okay, uh..." Lyle says, taken aback. "The four of you slap the general's head. 'Ouch, what was that for?'"
"I slap it too!" Leigh cackles. "I slap it a million times!"
"Eh... I slap it." Morton fiddles with a rubiks cube.
"Normally, I wouldn't do this, but... I join the slapfest." Aster says.
"I, hhh, jump up and slap it." Joel joins in.
"This is stupid." Hellen states, looking murderous as usual. "...I slap it anyway."
"Is everyone slapping his head...?" Lyle looks dumbfounded.
A can gets shot out of Audrey, and Sam reads it out loud. "Yes, count me in."
"Chat, I'm gonna slap this bald head SO hard!" Dan waves his hand in a circle before connecting it with his own palm, making a slapping sound. "Ow."
"I slap-est the man-est's bald head-est. And clean-est it afterwards." Papineau chuckles to himself.
"I lightly tap his bald head and say thank you." Ernest nods to Colonel Squeakums. "What about you?"
"Squeak!"
"I'll take that as a bald slap." Ernest feeds Colonel Squeakums some cheese.
Sam turns to the fungus. "What about you? Wanna join the slap party?"
"Golly, would I love to!" The fungus doesn't have to fake enthusiasm. "I slap him so hard that I hurt my poor widdle delicate hand and start crying like a baby! Wah, wah, wah!"
Some of the others look awkward as they look to Sam. Sam is still in his ever-blissful, stupid state where he finds everything the fungus says adorable and funny.
"Don't worry, Character Sam." Sam addresses to the fungus as he grabs his drink. "You'll get tougher soon."
"Oh, I'm not sure I could! My human muscles are sooooo weak and spindly!"
"We'll get your levels up in a bit, just hold on!"
Joshua, who's been sleepily nudging dice around up to this point, looks up at Dan and stares.
Dan, noticing Joshua's stare, stays silent for a few moments before saying: "What?"
"Bald!" Joshua points right at Dan.
"Wha-"
Before anyone can react, Joshua scrambles onto the table, makes a running leap at Dan, and starts slapping that bald scalp over and over. Dan tries to pry Joshua off to no avail as the chat blows up his, well, chat.
"Joshua, stop it!" Sam goes around the table to grab Joshua.
"Bald! Bald! Bald!" Joshua giggles as he keeps slapping, even as he's being pulled away by his father.
The fungus laughs. "No no, let him do it! It's not like he can get any uglier!"
"First my head, now my appearance!" Dan scowls before glancing at the chat. "Ugh, of COURSE you guys love my suffering!"
Lyle slowly covers his head with a second blanket. "Guys..."
Sam brings Joshua back to his chair, sets Joshua on his lap, and holds Joshua tight. "Sorry, Dan. Guess Joshua wanted to join in."
"Lyle?" The fungus pipes up. "Does the slapfest do any damage?"
"Uh, no, but the general is very slapped, yes..." Lyle clears his throat. "Anyway, moving on!" He briefly checks his notes before taking on the general's voice. "Now that you're all done slapping me for no reason, I'd like to direct your attention to this map." Lyle sets a map on the table. It's hand-drawn, with a light brown color from Lyle wiggling the side of a brown colored pencil across the paper and some damage that Lyle had done to it earlier. "If you want to reach the Lord of Sara without the king's troops finding you, you'll have to take these underground passages out of the city. But beware! No one's been in them in well over a century. Who knows what dangers lie in them?"
"Teehee, I'm probably going to poop my pants at the first sign of danger!" The fungus comments, glancing at Sam. Still hasn't realized what the fungus is doing. Damn. At this point, the fungus is hoping he does just so the fungus can see him be upset, potential danger be damned.
"I'll protect you, Character Sam!" Sam raises an imaginary sword. "I swear on my honor as a warrior!"
UUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH
What is even the point of this?! Sam's already killed the fungus once before, and he could easily do it again! He's a captor, not a savior! The fungus hates his guts, and will keep hating him for as long as it lives!
"I'll get the poop all over your sword!" The fungus randomly declares, due to not knowing what else to say.
Sophie and Joel laugh, for some reason.
"You'd have to have some explosive diarrhea to get that remotely close to my sword!" Sam keeps that irritating smile on his face.
"I do! I, Sam, have very violent and explosive diarrhea!"
The children laugh again, with a few others joining in.
"In that case, be sure to point it at the bad guys, not me!" Sam jokes. "Who knows, it might be enough to drown them."
...Alright, that's pretty funny. The fungus laughs at the joke. "I'll do my very best to paint the passages brown."
Lyle holds back laughter as he takes several breaths. "Ok, ok, is everyone ok with going through the passages, or do you want to find a different route?"
Everyone says that they'll either go through the passages, or that it doesn't matter to them. With everyone in agreement, the party takes a long rest to prepare before embarking on the trek. The fungus is sure to conspicuously ask the general for laxatives before the journey, to which the general says he doesn't have any. Shame. The fungus wanted to continue the bit.
Lyle rambles on for a bit as they go to the passages before they reach them, and he starts describing the location. "...As you venture deeper into the hallway, the white, mold-like growths on the walls begin to pulse. White spores drift through the air, causing you to choke, grow dizzy. The air grows so thick with spores, that you're not sure you can proceed."
"I don't see the problem." The fungus immediately states.
"All we gotta do is burn 'em, huh huh..." Monty keeps his lighter aflame.
"I say we try to find another way. This spore nest can't be the only route." Ernest helpfully suggests.
"It's, ehhh... inconvenient. But we just need to keep going." Morton also suggests.
"I'm with Ernest and Morton on this one." The fungus points to them both.
Sam ponders the mold. "I say we burn the spores."
What?! No! "NO! No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no! You can't do that! Don't... d-don't burn the spores. No fire. No fire, okay?" The fungus grabs onto Sam's arm and begs.
Sam turns to the fungus. "Why not?"
"B-because... ahhhh... I, uhh... I'm allergic to fire! I'm roleplaying a character allergic to fire and I'll die if you light one."
Please take it, please. PLEASE! The fungus can't bear to lose any of its kin again. The memories are so fresh. It can still smell the molotov cocktails burning its mother. No more mushroom deaths. Please.
Sam frowns ever so slightly. "You weren't allergic to fire before."
The fungus keeps desperately babbling, gripping Sam's arm tight. "It just started! Right now! I'm roleplaying a guy who just started being allergic to fire! Soooo... Yeah! No burning the spores, right? No spore burning?"
Sam looks into the fungus' eyes, then he sighs. "I guess I'll trust you this time."
"Oh, thank the Prince- I-I mean... thank God! Oh, thank you, thank you! We'll find another way, I swear!" The fungus smiles in relief as its grip laxes on Sam's bicep.
Maybe things will be ok. Sam listened to the fungus. It may have just been a game, but he listened. Maybe the fungus can make it in this househo-
"Don't care, I launch several torches at it anyway." Monty mimes the lighting and throwing of a torch.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The fungus leaps to its feet.
Everyone stares at the fungus, but Lyle continues without missing a beat.
"Running back to the entrance of the corridor, you light torches and toss them inside. Within an instant, the spores ignite." Lyle narrates.
"NOO!! NOOOOOO!" The fungus screams out.
NO! NO! NO! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!
"After a few minutes, the spores have completely burned out, leaving nothing but ash and smoke behind. The corridor is now safe."
The fungus slams all four of its hands down on the table. "YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!" Tears start to pour freely from its eyes. "HAVEN'T I SUFFERED ENOUGH?!?! I, I JUST WANNA FEEL SAFE!"
Sam touches the fungus' back. "Phillippe!"
"I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU ALL!" The fungus bawls. "I WISH YOU ALL GOT ASSIMILATED! I WOULD STILL HAVE MY MOTHER! MY FAMILY! AND I HATE SAM THE MOST!"
"Phillippe!"
The fungus doesn't want to see anyone. It runs out the door before anyone can stop it, blindly running around the building. As soon as it hears footsteps going after it, it goes even faster, running into and tripping over things to get away as fast as possible.
It doesn't know how long it runs for, only that it grows exhausted. Something soft cushions its exhausted feet. The fungus blinks away the tears blurring its vision. It's... home. The place the fungus grew up in.
The fungus looks back. The bodies of those assimilated humans lay there, unmoving. It goes deeper into the mycellular home. It can't smell the spores. Those wonderful little spores that would bring food and soon-to-be allies to the princess. The princess...
She sits at the end of the path, unmoving, face as serene as when she was alive. The fungus wipes its nose and kneels by her lap, just like when it was just a tiny little mushroom.
"Mom..." The fungus whimpers, voice cracking. "I miss you. Wake up..."
If the fungus closes its eyes, it can almost feel its mother caressing its head, whispering sweet lullabyes through the mycellium. Mom would coo over it as it fell asleep, instill into it its role in the nest as she grips it tight with various sharp edges and lifts it up.
Wait, what?!
The fungus is abruptly yanked through a wall, then another, then another. It lets out a scream as unidentifiable material cut into its body. Soon, it finds itself in what looks like a human living space. But there's no time to look around. Something blue with a gaping maw and many eyes and teeth cackle as it wraps its long, rubbery body around the fungus and squeezes. Hard.
The fungus has only been squeezed for a moment, and already, all the air has been forced out of its lungs. It squirms and writhes, but to no avail. Its arms are pinned to its sides, trapping it in place. The only parts of its body it can still move are its legs and antennae, and even then it finds itself losing feeling in them.
The fungus kicks wildly, but its feet can't connect with anything. It can't see... its vision is going dark. Something gives in its torso. Everything goes numb. The last thing it hears is the monster's sickening laughter...
...
Impact. Harsh impact. It gasps as air suddenly floods its lungs again. Then, gunshots. It blinks several times, registering light once again. The monster above it thrashes around, several gunshot wounds peppering its body. A single well-placed shot makes it collapse to the floor.
"Phillippe!"
"S...am?"
A shadow comes into view, followed by a worried face. "Phillippe, can you hear me?"
"Y... yeah..."
"Good." Sam takes its hand and tugs upwards. "Come on, you need to stand up."
Coughing. Wheezing. "I, I can't..."
"You have to! You're still in danger!" Sam keeps tugging painfully.
It hurts so much. Please, just stop... It looks up at Sam, about to plead, but then it spots a second monster sneaking up on Sam. "Sam! Look!"
Sam turns around just in time. He fires three bullets into the monster's maw, preventing the sneak attack. He pulls the trigger three more times, but the gun only clicks.
"Shit..." Sam drops both the gun and two clips of ammo on the floor. "Phillippe, you take those and help me!"
The monster lunges forward again, only for Sam to pull out a shortsword and plunge it into one of the monster's eyes. Both of them thrash around in their battle of close quarters.
Help... If Sam doesn't get any help, the monster will kill them both. It fumbles with the pistol, desperately trying to remember how to load it before a stray memory belonging to an American comes into consciousness, and it slips the clip in with ease. It cocks the gun, aims, fires.
The several gunshots succeed in distracting the monster. Sam slashes across a column of eyes, and it lets out a scream before joining its brethren. Several blue tubes that went unnoticed before collapse and deflate.
Sam pants as he turns around, bloody and sweaty. "Phillippe?"
Phillippe sits up as they both pant. "Is... is it over?"
"Yeah..." Sam nods.
Phillippe briefly checks how many bullets it has left before looking around. "Are these...?"
"Parts of Jeanne."
"Jeanne...?"
"The woman that lives here. Parts of her branched off and started attacking people." Then, Sam's face relaxes. "I'm glad I managed to get to you in time."
Phillippe takes a breath and... oh my god. With that sword, those bloodstains, and that flush on his face, he, he, he...
He looks like a storybook hero.
Phillippe feels itself heat up, and looks away. "How did you know where to find me?"
"Spider told me you were somewhere on this floor. When I saw what was happening, I knew the heads must have gotten you too."
Phillippe sets the gun down. "I was in the fungal nest. I got grabbed, and..." It vaguely gestures to one of the monsters. "You know the rest."
Sam sheathes his sword, then walks over to Phillippe. "Can you stand?"
"I... I don't know... My body still hurts..."
Sam crouches down and places his hand atop Phillippe's chest. His brow furrows as he feels around, applying pressure in various places. Phillippe holds still, feeling the warm hand wander all around. It feels... oddly good.
"Hm, I don't think it broke anything. You just need some rest, and you'll be good to go." Sam takes his hand away.
...Why does Phillippe feel so disappointed all of a sudden?
"Anyway, let's go check on Jeanne." Sam takes the gun and puts it away. "Bring your arm around me, and I'll help you up."
Phillippe does just that, putting one arm around Sam's shoulders, and another around his back. Sam stands with a grunt. It takes a moment, but Phillippe finds its footing and stands with support. They carefully walk together, mindful of the deflated... What part of the monsters' bodies are those?
But never mind that, they enter a new room, where another monster lays. Phillippe immediately lunges for Sam's gun, only for Sam to push its hand away.
"Phillippe, relax! This is Jeanne. She's friendly."
"Hi." Jeanne waves at Phillippe. "I'm so glad you're ok! I could feel the other heads killing so many people..."
"I'm just glad I could save the two of you in time." Sam rubs Phillippe's side. "Mind if we sit down for a while?"
"Go right ahead! You've both earned it." Jeanne backs up. "I'll see if I can get you two a meal." With that, she goes into another room.
Sam brings Phillippe over to a couch, and they both plop down on top. Phillippe leans back and lets its torso expand as much as possible. Ah, much better. It watches as Sam checks himself for wounds, treating whatever he finds. When he starts struggling with a bandage, Phillippe takes the roll and starts wrapping the wound on his side for him.
"You did good back there." Sam says as Phillippe works.
Phillippe pauses. "All I did was get kidnapped by that... thing. I should have been paying attention..."
"If you hadn't warned me in time, I might have been that head's next meal." Sam touches one of Phillippe's hands. "You also helped me take it down, and stopped it from hurting any more people."
Phillippe scoffs. "I was still a damsel in distress. That's not exactly helpful in any situation."
"Damsel or not, you still saved me." Sam wraps his fingers around Phillippe's hand. "You're my hero, Phillippe."
Phillippe feels warm again. This warmth is pleasant, exciting, yet it leaves Phillippe anxious. It growls as it hurries the bandaging job along. "Listen to me, Sam! I am NOT your hero! I just saved you because we both would have died otherwise! If given the chance, I would GLADLY kick you off a cliff!"
Sam just laughs in his face.
"What's so funny?!"
"You're not very good at taking praise, are you?" Sam squeezes Phillippe's hand. "Don't worry, just let it sit with you for a while."
Phillippe tugs the bandage extra hard, making Sam audibly wince. Then, it slackens the bandage and presses the end down. "How do I attach the end?"
Sam gives Phillippe a small metal thingy with some sharp teeth on the inside, which Phillippe uses to pin the end in place. Then, it leans back and admires its work. Not bad, for a first timer.
Sam seems satisfied with it too, giving Phillippe an approving nod. "See? You even helped patch me up."
Phillippe... literally can't refute that. Sam tugs his sweater back down, and Phillippe feels strangely disappointed again. Then, Sam leans on Phillippe and rests his head on Phillippe's shoulder, and Phillippe stiffens.
"You're so soft..." Sam mumbles with a yawn.
Phillippe heats up even more. "You're soft in the head."
"Mhm..."
"Did you even hear me?"
"Sure did, softie." Sam has that dumb smile on his face again.
Sam truly is stupid... Phillippe smiles despite itself. It pokes Sam's chubby belly, chuckling at the softness. Are all human bellies this soft? Whatever the case, Phillippe hopes Sam stays this soft forever, and it thinks Sam feels the same way about it.
Someone knocks on the wall. It's Jeanne, with a few boxes of cookies. Sam perks up as Jeanne brings the cookies over.
"Sorry I couldn't get anything hot," Jeanne sets the cookies down next to them. "Apparently, my oven is busted now."
"That's fine." Sam takes a box and starts fiddling with it while keeping it situated on his lap. "Maybe Papineau can fix it, or at least clean the place up."
"Here's hoping, I don't want any neighbors coming in and thinking I live in a pigsty..." Jeanne turns to Phillippe. "Anyway, what's your name?"
"I'm..." Phillippe gulps. "Phillippe. I'm a... moth."
"Isn't he such a cutie?" Sam nuzzles Phillippe. "Sometimes, he's mean to me thanks to his mushroom parasite, but that's just part of his charm! I love being his boyfriend!"
Phillippe opens its mouth, but Jeanne beats it to the punch.
"HOW MANY BOYFRIENDS DO YOU HAVE?!" Jeanne shouts at the top of her lungs.
"Let's see..." Sam starts counting on his hand. "There's Lyle, Mask, Spider, plus that meat woman I told you about, so counting Phillippe, that's five people."
"...At this rate, you're going to date the entire apartment!" Jeanne exclaims. "Leave some for the rest of us."
"Aw, don't worry, I'm only attracted to stalkers, with the exception of Phillippe." Sam thinks for a moment. "Or am I attracted to people that want to hurt me...? Eh, point is, you can have the regular people."
"Noted."
Phillippe scowls. "Refer to me as your boyfriend again, and I will strangle you in your sleep with my bare hands."
"Use an electric cord, it'll be easier for you." Sam suggests, not missing a beat.
"I'll string your dead body up for everyone to wake up to."
"Put me in a funny pose so they can get a laugh in."
"I'll slice you up and feed you to everyone."
"That's a terrible idea, I've eaten a lot of meat in my lifetime. The heavy metals that accumulated inside me will get the others sick. You're better off finding a way to compost me and growing vegetables or something out of my remains."
"AAAAARGH!" Phillippe hits Sam with a pillow. "I HATE YOU!"
Sam giggles and holds his arm up to shield himself. "Phillippe! I'm surprised you even have that much energy!"
"IT'S PURE HATRED FOR MY WORTHLESS HUMAN BOYFR- I mean, my worthless human bitch!"
Jeanne joins the laughter, much to Phillippe's chagrin. "I didn't think mean people were your type, but you two go well together!"
"STOOOOOOP!" Phillippe throws the pillow at Jeanne. "I WILL DESTROY THE ENTIRE BUILDING!"
"Before you do that," Sam picks up a cookie. "Try this. I'm sure you're hungry."
Phillippe glares daggers into Sam as it leans forward and eats the cookie from Sam's hand. It tastes good, but not as good as Sam's cooking. Maybe if Sam made these, they'd taste better.
"It's alright." Phillippe says after it finishes the bite.
"Yeah, storebought cookies are always just alright." Sam eats a cookie himself. "The besht coo'iesh are hommay."
"...What?"
Sam chews and swallows. "I said the best cookies are homemade. That goes double for when they're still warm."
...Phillippe has to admit, it's been coming around to warm foods lately. Maybe it ought to take up the implied suggestion in Sam's words.
"Anyway," Sam stands up, holding the box of cookies. "We can't stay here too long. The others are still looking for Phillippe, after all. I've gotta tell them that I found him."
"Ah, stay safe out there." Jeanne backs away to let them out. "You can take the cookies with you."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah! It's the least I can do for my heroes."
Heroes... plural?
"I'm not a hero." Phillippe states with an annoyed look.
"Oh, and you're humble, too!" Jeanne incorrectly assumes. "I wasn't expecting that. I guess you're more complex than I thought. Anyway, tell Lyle I said hi!"
"Will do!" Sam stashes the cookies underneath his sweater, then offers his hand to Phillippe. "Come on, let's go home."
Home... Phillippe takes Sam's hand and lets Sam bring him out of the apartment and into the halls. Luckily, two of his housemates are already there. Sam tells them to tell everyone to call off the search, and then they leave. Phillippe takes this chance to relish in the quiet air before they have to go back in their overcrowded apartment, where...
Huh. No one's in here, except for a few roaches. It feels so strange without all the people. Sam sets the cookies on the kitchen table while Phillippe stands in the middle of the room.
"I'm glad I don't have to listen to that blaring music for once..." Sam mentions.
"Me too, I'm surprised those edgelords haven't gone deaf by now."
Sam snorts before approaching. "Me too, Phillippe. Me too..."
Phillippe turns to fully face Sam. "Please tell me they're not going to stay much longer."
"...I told them they could stay as long as they needed."
"What?! No! Evict them NOW!"
"Don't tempt me." The corner of Sam's lip tilts upwards.
"Then at least do something about them!" Phillippe's antennae twitch in anger. "Don't let them walk all over you!"
"Like what?"
"Uh, I dunno..." Then, an idea. "Wait, didn't someone mention you had crap taste in cassettes?"
"Oh come on, I have ONE Christian music cassette, and I didn't even want it!" Sam throws his hand in the air. "Some annoying preacher on the street forced me to take it!"
Phillippe lets its entire mouth grin, showing its many, many teeth. "Don't you worry, that cassette was a blessing after all."
"What do you mean?"
"You'll see. Just show me where it is, he he..."
Sam looks at it funny, but takes Phillippe into the bedroom, where over-the-top gothic decorations are strewn haphazardly across the room. Phillippe stops to blow out the multiple lit candles (major fire hazard!) before joining Sam at the side of his bed, where he digs through a cardboard box filled with cassettes. Then, he pulls one out with a flourish.
"Here's the one." Sam hands it over. "Do whatever you want with it, I don't want it."
"I don't know, I think you'll grow to appreciate it..." Phillippe resists a cackle as it goes over to the cassette player, which was thankfully turned off when its owners left. "Especially when you see what I'm going to do."
Sam curiously follows Phillippe and watches over its shoulder as it ejects the previous cassette and inserts the new one. Then, it sticks its finger in, pours a few spores in, and closes the panel. It waits a few seconds, then presses the eject button a few times. No response. The cassette is officially stuck inside.
"What did you do?" Sam asks.
"He he he..." Phillippe laughs as it stands. "Nothing, I just put a few spores inside that'll act like a temporary glue. Now those stupid humans will be forced to either listen to this, or go without. But don't worry, the glue will only last about... Two weeks or so."
Sam cackles so hard he doubles over. "That is evil! I love it!"
"It's not evil if it's for the good of everyone around us!" Phillippe laughs as it palms the old cassette. "Ah, but one more thing..." It hides said cassette behind the player. "There. It's going to be REALLY funny if they look everywhere for this thing, only to find it when they pick the cassette player up."
"This is why I love you so much." Sam crouches down with Phillippe. "You're so dastardly when you're not being all cutesy-wutesy. If I had someone like you in... most of my adult life, I would've been much better off."
"You'd still be trapped in an apocalypse, though." Phillippe points out. "Maybe it would've even been worse for you. Instead of being an unemployed loser that spends all day inside without ever seeing the sun, you could have been outdoors giving a grand speech about your oh-so-grand life when everything started."
"You got me there." Sam points to Phillippe. "I guess the what-ifs don't matter, just the here and now."
Sam's hand is on the side of Phillippe's face. Once again, that exciting heat builds up, along with the warmth of Sam's human touch. Phillippe reaches up, hesitates, then sets its hand atop Sam's. Sam closes his eyes and grows closer, closer, closer...
So that's what a kiss feels like... The memories Phillippe obtained from the princess held kisses in high regard, but never actually contained any kisses. Phillippe decides it quite likes kisses, and the texture of Sam's slightly-chapped lips.
It brings its two lower arns around Sam's waist to deepen the kiss while its last free hand nuzzles Sam's cheek. Sam seems to like this quite a lot, as he doesn't raise any physical objection. Phillippe doesn't even mind the cold blood on the front of Sam's sweater, it just wants to feel Sam.
What feels like several days pass before Sam finally parts from Phillippe. He rests his chin on Phillippe, and Phillippe just holds him tight. It wouldn't mind holding Sam everyday. Sam is warm. Such warmth may not be conductive to optimal fungal growth, but Phillippe couldn't care less.
"...We need to get out of here, before Xaria and Monty catch us by their cassette player." Sam sleepily brings up.
Ah. That's right. If the two of them walked in now, they would know exactly who to blame for their 'busted' cassette player. With a sigh, Phillippe lets go and helps Sam up. Then, they walk out of the room together and make a beeline for the couch.
As soon as they sit down, Sam immediately goes in for another hug. Phillippe wordlessly wraps Sam in its insect-like arms again and holds on tight. As much as it wants to believe that Sam is out to get it, he saved Phillippe's life. He takes care of Phillippe. Makes sure Phillippe is ok. It's being forced to admit that Sam isn't the murderer it thought he was. That Sam is legitimately better than that. He even likes the kind of person that Phillippe truly is, and seems to prefer that over the cutesy act.
Maybe... everything will be ok. Maybe Phillippe could both rebuild its life, and keep Sam in its life. He'd be good at cooking for future mushroom children, if nothing else.