self indulgent vent fics I think maybe

by Anonymous

Summary:

idk smut/vent stuff I wrote when I feel like ass hahah ok. I also jerk of to it who's in it with me. ok these will mostly be short bc I'm learning how to write again sorry I also might forget tags feel free to remind me uh. kudos make me more motivated to write more :)

Chapter 1: feelings

Here i am on the bed staring at anything but him, anything but the reminder of the thrusts, of the squeaks of the bed of the frame hitting the wall but i had wanted this hadnt i? I had told him yes i had helped him undress and prepare, but yet here i am holding in tears threatening to spill, avoiding the problem as always , i could say no if i wanted couldnt i? But hes been asking for this for so long and it was always “later ivan, i dont feel like it right now ivan, im tired ivan”so i owe him right? Afterall hes allowing me to live with him, he didnt have to do that, he never needed to help me, this is such a easy way to repay him for all he has done .

All i do lay here and act like this is pleasurable, but yet hes still doing all the work isnt he? Hes still providing for me even through sex, perhaps its easier this way, letting him do whatever he wants, he never quite takes no anyways so whats the difference. sometimes I wish he just admitted to the abuse, so i could know its real, that this isnt all fake so i have a reason to be so messed up, this didnt exactly feel real , like im not here that all of this is just a show, or a game and i am the pawn .

 

I hadnt even noticed the thrusting had stopped until i looked at ivan above me looking at me with maybe worry in his eyes i didnt trust myself to speak, to ask why he stopped i almost hoped he would ask me what was wrong but he didnt he never did he simply pulled out and wiped whatever was left over on my leg making me shiver, i watched as he walked away and sometimes i wish i was more selfish.

Notes:

this is how sex would go for me

Chapter 2: she

Summary:

Ivan stalks Andrew and then jerks off immediately after he's done cuz he's a freak

Ivan was so close to him, so very close to him . the guy he has been admiring forever he was sitting at a bench a few feet away from the man he watched as andrew scrolled mindlessly through their phone watching as andrews hands moved rapidly trying to find something interesting, he bit off the skin around his fingers at the thought of him being able to feel andrews skin, he had a obsession with them since he first saw andrew, sometimes he wish he wasnt always in the shadow of andrew and that the guy would notice him for once hes always been there even if they havent spoken directly very many times infact he doesnt even remember how this obsession started… but he could feel himself almost drool at the thought of even walking up to andrew its not like he hasnt done it before but this is different ivan felt himself getting sweaty and achy now thinking about it.

Its not like ivan hasnt seen andrews every emotion before, every tear he shedded , every smiled he shared with people who didnt deserve it, his shouts and lashouts his body,its not like he didn know the way andrew dressed , the way hed brush his hair, or take care of himself even when he had no energy . he wish he could be there for andrew to keep him to have them glued together , forever stuck as one he hadnt even noticed he was staring until he saw andrew scrunch his nose up and sigh.

He watched as andrew got up and started walking away he didnt get up himself until he saw andrew a couple of feet from the park. He walked slowly his mind running he wished he could feel andrews skin or even sit next to him but he was always too nervous and andrew became a obsession of his. Andrew never seemed too good at watching his surroundings and he had a pretty straight day , bearly ever changing ivan wasnt the type to take things he didnt own but andrew was never too mindful either and often left stuff behind it almost felt like a tease , like he was daring ivan to take and ruin him.

Eventually after a bit of walking andrew made it too his apartment walking up the stairs and taking out his keys, ivan obviously couldnt follow andrew in there so he waited a bit after andrew walked in too his apartment before he went back down the steps and walked to his car and drove a bit until he found somewhere more secluded. He had a apartment, which was practically paid for by his mother but he had told her he found somewhere else to live, which he didnt but he was looking andrew lived so far it felt suffocating so here he was pushing his pants and underwear down to his knees.

Ivan closed his eyes imagining maybe it was andrew touching him or watching him atleast maybe that he was jerking himself off over andrews tied up body and fuck was that hot , he quickened his speed thinking of andrew sleeping, his face peaceful, him being in such a vulnerable position where ivan could do whatever he wanted to him and hed never know, he thought of humping andrews back while hes alseep, touching andrew feeling the wetness between his legs and the thought brought him closer then ever, he groaned holding the side of his car door he started to buck his hips as he spilled his seed into his hands as he tilted his head back he didnt stop until his leg was shaking.

He felt so dizzy he looked for a tissue, cleaning his mess all he could think of how disgusting he was.

Chapter 3: envy

Summary:

ichance idk. sorry lots of misspellings and stuff I'm lazy

Here i was at a party which i was honestly lucky i even got invited too since the one who invited him was my ex itrapped, i never really understand why i reached back out to him maybe out of pure loneliness , i felt broken after we broke up , like i was never quite good for anything else. Although i did kinda cause this by myself i mean its not like he was the one who broke up with me i did it all by myself, to be hones though our relationship honestly was nothing near normal, nothing even close to healthy but it was nice , it felt nice atleast for a while but i had gotten tired after a bit, i was aware that itrapped never truly ever loved me and if he did it was short lived but it still felt nice having him always around me , always having somebody to do stuff with , he wish it didnt end up the way it did but its not like i didnt come back like a dog, i missed him like hell and honestly i didnt know what to do without him , it felt like a part of me was ripped out.

i was on the couch scrolling through my phone trying to look at anything but him trying to do anything but looking pathetic , trying not to seem like i missed him a bit too much, trying to ignore itrappeds new quote on quote friend elternate it was almost heart crushing how easily itrapped moved on from me, while i ruined myself for just a bit of itrappeds attention it was pathetic and i knew it was bu i couldnt help myself. But watching them i almost wondered if itrapped only invited me to make me jealous of whatever he got on with this new guy. They were definitely flirting but in such a way that it could be excused as a joke between friends i didnt understand the point but god did it hurt. He clenched the phone in my hands trying too hold back tears threatening to spill trying to ignore how terrible i felt sitting here like a stupid bitch waiting for him, before this he almost thought they were gonna get back together, they have been flirting since they became friends again and itrappeds been nicer but this was a complete 360 and he hated how quickly he was replaced.

i watched as itrapped was sat pretty on ellernates lap, laughing and looking like he was having the time of his life, or atleast a better time then he could ever have with me, i grit my teeth , and god itrapped was never even half as nice to me as he is to ellernate , it upset me i never understood what i did to itrapped for him to treat me like this i would do anything for him. and i wished that maybe me and ellernate could swap places i was almost sure i could treat itrapped better then anyone could if i was ever given a chance , i put my phone down picking at my nails trying to distract my self again and i wondered if this was all just a big joke to make me jealous , or to hurt me. i watched as itrapped and ellernate both joked and kissed eachother and laugh together i was truly not trying to stare, i didnt even know why i truly cared because it wasnt like we were still together, he didnt belong to me and i didnt owe him, i really wish i never broke up with him.

i got up i needed to get water, or wash my face, or do anything but watch them flirt and god i needed a drink or something maybe thatll loosen me up, i walked to the kitchen trying to think a little less or distract myself from the whole thing so i poured myself some kinda drink from the fridge i didnt even know what it was honestly i was just taking a chance and hoping it was safe to drink although with the way the day was going already i dont think i would really mind if it was drugged or something but it would be embarrassing being so drugged up at a party infront of his situationship, perhaps still better then watching whatever he was watching before still.

When i went back to the couch i didnt see ellernate or itrapped anywhere, and honestly he wouldnt be shocked if they went to go fuck or something god they should have just done it right here with the way they were already acting my mind spiraling on thousands of different stuff they could have went and did, until itrapped announced his presences very loudly by slamming the front door so hard it shook the decoration on the side table. coming back into the house he looked pretty pissed and ellernate was no where to be seen. Itrapped came and plopped down right next to me this being practically the first time he interacted with me all day out of the fact he drove us here he scoffed and then spoke , “ i dont even understand whats his issue , always complaining the moment i do anything” i didnt understand quite what happened but i was already assuming something between him and ellernate happened , itrapped never seemed to feel bad cutting people off, so i wasnt too shocked but i was curious what happened but itrapped seemed a little to mad so i just nodded

 

After a while itrapped seemed to calm down decently , and started actually conversating with me talking about some band and i liked it so much better like this, no fighting or ignoring just me and itrapped talking like we used to, getting along like we use to and nobody taking him from me i knew it wasnt gonna last too long but it still felt good like this and he hoped that itrapped would be able to keep up the act a bit longer this time.

Notes:

I miss you micheal

Notes:

this is how I think sex would go for me unfortunately