i'll be fine (save me)

by wxtherbush

Summary:

"Are you sure you’re okay?” She asks, brows furrowed.

“Jihyo-ssi, why would I lie to you? You’re my leader and best friend.”

“I’m not asking as your leader, I’m asking as your friend.”

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Or: The 5 times Jihyo comforts Jeongyeon through an anxiety attack, and the 1 time Jeongyeon seeks for her comfort.

Notes:

Hi chat the worms have come to supply you a meal. Enjoy!

Sshibal.

Shooting pain rises from the side of Jeongyeon’s neck, immediately halting her movements. The girls all turn to her in concern at the sudden yelp she had involuntarily let out when the searing pain happened, their expressions wide and ever so slightly nervous.

“Jeongyeon-ah, are you okay?” Sana is the first to come to her aid, moving up from her position to bring a hand towards Jeongyeon’s arm.

She nods, not wanting to have her members doting over her when they were halfway through learning the choreography for their latest comeback’s title track. They had things on their plates a single neck pain shouldn’t join in on. 

With a few days before the debut of their upcoming mini-album, More and More, Jeongyeon cannot afford to add more to their piling list of things to worry about.

“Are you sure? We could always take a short break if need be, that little scream you made sounded painful.” Jihyo moves close to her next, ever so firm yet gentle at the same time. A true leader balancing everything given to her with poise and ease - a side of herself she only lets crumble when the group wasn’t drowning in work and rehearsals to perfect.

A side of herself Jeongyeon didn’t want to disrupt, not with something as trivial and common as a small neck pain.

Nevertheless, a short break does sound really good right now as she figures out which part of her neck gave her such a strong sensation enough to jolt the whole group from their focus.

“I’m okay, promise. Probably just strained a muscle, a break sounds nice though.” She forces out a smile sheepishly, a hand moving to the side of her neck to rub at the area.

Jihyo nods, calling out a break for 10 minutes but refuses to move from her place in front of her friend.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” She turns back towards Jeongyeon, expression softer as she asks not as her leader and bandmate, but as her best friend.

“Yeah, I’ll be back to normal in a day or two, maybe I didn’t sleep in the right position last night and all this dancing’s gotten it to flare up.” 

Jihyo nods with a hum, “I’ll hold you to that.” 

She drops the conversation, moving back to the couch to also take a breather from their rather strenuous dancing day.

Things move really quick after that.

For starters, Jeongyeon did not go back to normal in a day or two. 

In fact, here she was now in the hospital, getting an MRI Scan of her neck, shoulders, and torso.

Turns out, ignoring a sharp searing pain like that was not at all the right choice of action. Neither was not telling her bandmates what exactly she was feeling since now, the agency had no choice but to push back the release of their comeback by another week, just enough to let her potentially recover.

The scan doesn’t come out the way she had wanted it to. 

A herniated neck disc.

The diagnosis rushes through her body like wildfire, but it does nothing to warm up the ice cold drop of her chest straight into the pit deep in her stomach.

“Wh-what’s the treatment for it?” She asks, fighting the shakiness in her throat at the possibility of not being able to perform if her treatment plan was anything more severe than she was hoping for. Maybe just some medications to ease the pain? As long as it wasn’t getting an oper-

“Surgery.” 

Surgery.

The doctor cuts through the small spiral Jeongyeon had found herself going down.

“I’m sorry, Jeongyeon-ssi, but the sooner we operate on the disc, the better for you.”

All she can do is nod, entering a state of dissociation as she’s given papers and request forms to fill out for the impending surgery.

“How soon can I go back to performing?” The question feels dry on her mouth, she can’t take a break, not now when they’re about to release another comeback. 

Not now when they were just getting started on truly breaching the worldwide market despite the pandemic.

“Minimum six weeks, if all goes well. I truly am sorry, but we can schedule you in for the surgery in two days. Our specialists and I will take a close look at your scans and have a meeting tomorrow to identify the best course of action for your procedure.”

Six weeks.

“I don’t have that time, Doctor-nim. Isn’t there any other way?” She rushes out, desperation nearing the precipice of her expression.

“We’ll have to wait and see what the next course of action is after your procedure. We’ll see you in two days, Jeongyeon-ssi. We’ll do what we can to ensure the appropriate outcome.”

After the diagnosis, the mini-album release gets pushed back another week, to June 01st.

Everyone was well understanding of the situation at hand, still, it didn’t lessen the feelings of disappointment in Jeongyeon’s chest in the days that followed.

Even despite the ideal outcome of her surgery and the likelihood of her fully going back to the swing of things in six weeks’ time, Jeongyeon was lost in her head with feelings of inadequacy with how much things have changed just because of her injury.

Especially now with the maintenance and pain medications she was given to at least help her recover quicker asked for by the company despite the doctor’s recommendations.

Why couldn’t you have just gone one more week without looking or feeling injured so this wouldn’t have happened?

“Jeongyeon-ah?”

Why couldn’t you have been just more careful with your movements and prevented all this from happening in the first place?

“JEONGYEONI.”

She gets snapped back into herself, looking up at the source of the harsh voice screaming her name.

Jihyo.

“Gwaenchana? You’ve been staring at the floor the entire time we were monitoring the choreography.” She takes a seat next to her friend, careful not to let Jeongyeon move her neck brace too much.

“Y-yeah, yes. I’m okay, just thinking of things. Sorry, is it back to practice?”

“Almost, the others just went to the bathroom before we go back, are you sure you’re okay?” She asks, brows furrowed as she fully takes over Jeongyeon’s frontal view.

“Jihyo-ssi, why would I lie to you? You’re my leader and best friend.”

“I’m not asking as your leader, I’m asking as your friend.” Jihyo huffs, trying her best not to look agitated but her face reveals all the concern and worry laced through every crevice Jeongyeon could see.

“I am, really. Just need to keep taking it easy, all that.”

To Jeongyeon’s credit, she appeared to be fine for the remainder of the week leading up to the comeback despite her doctor’s advice, taking into account that their title track’s choreography has just taken the top spot for most intensive dance amongst all of their discography.

Despite appearing okay for everyone around her, Jeongyeon had begun feeling changes in herself on account of the medications she had been given - namely the steroids.

While it did keep the pain of her recovery bearable enough for her to continue with her schedules, it had one side effect she just couldn’t ignore.

By August, Jeongyeon had begun wearing longer, more oversized clothing in an attempt to hide more skin, much to the unease this had brought to her bandmates; her measly excuse being trying a new fashion style since Winter was almost arriving.

Whether she thinks her girls believe it or not, it was the excuse she kept using regardless of who would ask - giving her excuse more credibility in its consistency.

They’re gonna find out sooner or later, and they’re going to dislike you for letting yourself go.

The voices in her mind have done nothing but be a sore pain more prevalent than the one from her surgery - which by now had almost fully healed. Her stint of pushing her limits the immediate week after her operation had caused minor damage, delaying the overall recovery time from a minimum of six weeks to ten weeks.

You don’t belong in the group, you almost cost them the comeback.

The pressure to get better was growing exponentially, Jeongyeon merely reduced to forcing herself to come into work daily, weekly, monthly - if not for her then for her girls. She would not disappoint them a second time. Not when they were going to have an online concert in a few weeks.

The voices got louder as well, becoming unbearable as it continued to tear through her self-confidence. She could barely look in the mirror nowadays, having covered up most mirrors in her own home. 

Seeing herself dancing in the practice room where two of four walls are just mirrors? An utter nightmare.

Having to sit through practically the entire online concert in a corner because she couldn’t move nor stop shaking enough to properly partake in the choreography? The end of the world.

By October 2020, Jeongyeon had to call for a hiatus. She needed a break from it all, just until she felt completely better and wasn’t moving on autopilot day after day.

It was heartbreaking seeing the expressions on her bandmates’ faces when she had told them before telling their manager, they deserved that much at least. The sadness, the worry, the chagrin, the dismay.

Especially since they were just a mere few days away from releasing and promoting their second full length album: Eyes Wide Open.

Jihyo had been in her personal space trying to convince her they all would rather go on hiatus and cancel any and all upcoming concerts until she felt better, that they cannot go through another tour incomplete - something all of them know all too well from Mina’s hiatus only a mere year ago.

Jeongyeon shakes her head, a firm no escaping her lips as she forces out a smile, not wanting to harm the rest of the group’s career all for her sake.

Still, Nayeon had hugged her tightly, squeezing at Jeongyeon’s torso as she whispered a small, “At least let us convince you to still partake in the songs and music videos. No promotions, no dances.”

Pulling away, Jeongyeon pauses to ponder on that offer, “I can’t promise anything.”

1st

The first time Jeongyeon experienced an anxiety attack outside of the confines of her own home was during her first dance practice back from hiatus.

She had forced herself to come back from her break against her doctor’s and psychiatrist’s wishes as the pressure of having disappeared from the spotlight for a good three months was reaching an all-time high.

Twice was set to perform at the 2021 Seoul Music Awards - the 30th anniversary of the show - and having all nine of them would’ve showcased, to not just their management but also their fanbase as a whole, that Jeongyeon was just as committed to the band as the rest of her members despite everything she had been through.

At least that was the reason she kept telling herself all throughout practice.

She snaps out of her self-deprecating monologue as her elbow hits the wooden floor, face a mere inch from scratching itself on the surface, knees making an audible thud as she feels the pain bloom upwards her legs.

“Jeongyeon unnie!” She hears Dahyun scream from behind her - quite probably one of the very few times she’s heard their third maknae raise her voice above her usual volume.

Her breathing quickens, palms immediately cold and shaky as her forehead meets the wood below her trying desperately to ground herself.

No, not like this.

They’re not supposed to see you like this.

Her inner emotional state laid out for all her members to see, there curled on the floor, with eyes shut so tight it looks like she could pop a vein.

You’ve done so well keeping it all in, such a shame it all had to crumble right here and now.

Footsteps rush towards her, effectively crowding her frame and darkening her immediate surroundings as she hears movements next to her, arms coming over to pat her back, her head, and trying to pry her arms away from her ears and hair - something Jeongyeon herself hadn’t even noticed she had done until the sensation of other limbs on hers.

They’re never going to see you the same way after this.

“Everybody steer clear! You’ll only make it worse!” She hears their manager, albeit muffled from where she was, breath still painfully out of reach as she musters up enough courage to sit up from her current position.

The cold hits her all at once as the limbs around her cease and she’s lifted up by her manager and practically dragged to the couches.

You’re so weak. Burdening everyone from practice by showing them this pathetic display of gaining their pity.

It takes a full 2 hours before she’s calmed down enough to drink water, all the while her bandmates kept sharing concerned glances with each other and at her as they kept practicing despite being one person short.

At the sight of her drinking water and her breathing finally having slowed down, the girls take another break to check up on their group-appointed mother figure.

“Jeongyeon-ah?” Sana cautiously walks closer, sitting next to her friend and waiting for a cue in any case Jeongyeon didn’t want any social interaction just yet.

“Mmm?” Her voice is hoarse, throat sore, and face red; but she turns towards Sana to acknowledge her friend’s presence.

“Do you want to talk about it?” She asks, quiet and unsure, like she’s walking on eggshells in front of someone she never should have been walking on eggshells around.

You don’t deserve their kindness.

Jeongyeon shakes her head, forcing out a smile she knows doesn’t meet her eyes as she takes another swallow from her water bottle.

“I’ll be okay, no worries.”

“Okay well, you can always come to us whenever you need, yeah? You don’t have to deal with all this alone. If not me, then there’s seven other people who would be more than happy to listen to you if you approach them.” Sana smiles, putting a hand on Jeongyeon’s shoulder for a small squeeze, then walking back towards the middle of the practice room.

The rest of the week goes by in quite the similar fashion: Jeongyeon messing up a step or two and causing everyone to be thrown off their rhythms, the girls practically cooing over her, and the cycle repeats.

Everyone seemed to have an unspoken understanding of taking it easy around Jeongyeon especially after everything their older bandmate had gone through in the past 8 months; to be gentle with her, be patient with her, give her more leniency than they usually do already.

All except Park Jihyo.

On their last practice day for the week, Jihyo walks up to Jeongyeon, much to the other’s confusion and fear plastered on her face.

She had gone into the studio appearing restless once more, eyebags drooping and cheeks puffy - like she had just spent another sleepless night in god knows how many nights in a row now.

Movements sloppy, the choreography slipping from her mind way more than it usually does as one of the three ‘worst choreo memorisers’ of their group.

“I’m sorry for messing it up again, the choreo- I- I just can’t do it.” Jeongyeon apologises for the upteenth time, looking at anywhere on Jihyo’s face except for her eyes as she fights back the incoming anxiety attack threatening to spill in public once again.

“Then don’t. Don’t do it anymore. You clearly can’t focus, so just don’t. You’re holding us back, none of us can practice well because we keep having to make sure you’re not overdoing yourself, we can’t keep doing that - at least not for the music awards. So if you feel like you can’t do it, then just don’t, Yoo Jeong-yeon.” Jihyo bluntly spills, annoyance and irritation dripping from her words.

Jeongyeon looks taken aback, all she can realistically do is flinch as Jihyo walks away, the itch in her legs screaming at her to go home.

So, she does.

The creak of the practice room opening and closing doesn’t ease the tension the rest of the girls were feeling - it only exacerbated the tension none of them seemingly ever wanted to address.

For as much it hurt, none of them could deny that Jihyo wasn’t right.

Realistically, it was too much of a concern having Jeongyeon come back to the group through the music awards. There were simply too many variables at play as well as keeping sure the information of her joining the performance does not get leaked anywhere lest it creates more unnecessary pressure than there needed to be.

None of them wanted to admit it, but Jihyo giving Jeongyeon a piece of her mind showcased her objective judgement regardless of personal relationships. Yes, she is their friend and fellow member, but she is also their leader - regardless of her own inner feelings.

If a situation were to get in the way of Twice as a whole, it was always up to Jihyo to handle it as best she could from the frontlines.

Even if it meant giving her own best friend a harshly worded scolding.

Jihyo returning to her position urges the others to do the same, knowing it was best they give Jeongyeon some space lest she ends up isolating herself after they had just gotten her back.

They will reach out to her after practice, allowing both them and her the needed time to breathe from the rather rough day they all had gone through.

Unbeknownst to the rest of the girls, their leader couldn’t get the exchange off of her own mind; they wouldn't be able to blame her though if they found out, it was one of the very few times they had seen their leader and back-up leader in that tense of a situation without the cover of it being just them two.

With the exchange of a few glances around the room, Twice continues on their normal work day despite their not-so-normal circumstance.

That evening, once everything was done as best they could for the day, Jihyo does not return to her house.

Instead, Jihyo drives past her home through the nearly empty evening streets of Seoul and heads towards Jeongyeon’s apartment.

Why? She thinks it was about time to give her best friend a piece of her own mind.

The apartment is dark when Jihyo uses her spare key to unlock the door, eerily quiet and still as she pushes the door further open to let herself slide in. Ahead of her, she can see the faintest source of light around the corner.

Sliding ever so quietly into the main hallway and out of the reception area, she walks into the living room, making her presence known by turning on the lights, uncaring for the person on the sofa getting disturbed.

“What’re you doing here?” A voice emerges from under a pile of blankets, hoarse and rough, like it had been unused for hours.

“I came because I want to know what’s wrong with you! Ssibal Jeongyeon-ah, maybe you should’ve listened to your doctors when they said you coming back from hiatus this soon in your treatment process wasn’t a good idea. Do you even understand the implications of what you’re doing to yourself? To the gro-”

The lecture begins to blur for Jeongyeon, her face contorting to that of resignation as she lets her leader scold her; in one ear and out the other.

Deep down, that tiny voice in her head tells her she deserves this.

You don't deserve any pity.

You deserve every single harsh word Jihyo lets escape from her lips.

You don't deserve to be with Twice, at least not anymore.

Not like this.

She snaps back into reality when she feels the sofa dip beside her, feeling her leader slump onto her side, huffing out a mixture of annoyance and resignation, head landing on Jeongyeon’s shoulder. 

“Please don’t shut us out again, don’t shut me out. We want to be there for you for as long as you need but we can’t do that if you're the one who keeps pulling away.”

She sounds tired, sad, upset, but with the tiniest hint of hope in her tone.

Jihyo doesn't leave until late into the night, simply just giving Jeongyeon some company in the silence she can only hope her friend finds comforting. They stay there on the couch mindlessly watching bad k-dramas and Jihyo breaking the silence every so often to tell Jeongyeon about something she’d seen online or stories from her sisters.

The following practice day, the girls have all assumed Jeongyeon realised she wasn’t ready to face the world so soon and was going to return to being in hiatus; especially as they all begin to pile into the dance room with not a hair of hers in sight.

That is, until she appears 20 minutes later, still looking sullen, but her eyes ever so slightly containing the tiniest shimmer nobody has seen since before the hiatus.

She’s still rusty and shaky with her moves, but she quietly pushes on despite herself, not knowing where this all had come from either.

She doesn’t know how she did it, but a week later despite all the inner turmoil and self-doubt, she manages to get herself onto the stage for their performance in the 30th Seoul Music Awards.

Winning their 4th bonsang in a row is nothing short of an amazing feat of collaboration between Twice and their fanbase . . .

. . . and Jihyo not letting go of Jeongyeon’s hand the entire time they were accepting the award is nothing short of a relieving presence grounding her to the present; despite all her shakiness and hesitance, she lets Jihyo envelope both her hands around her own.

2nd

The next time it happened was during her first concert back from her second hiatus. An unplanned appearance in their Los Angeles tour stop with barely any practice nor vocal warm up.

She already had to run off stage once and nearly missed her lines during the middle of the whole thing, but now they had just finished everything, and it was time for their final farewells unaware that her hand was shaking uncontrollably as she anticipated her turn for the ment.

With the tension building up in her body, she doesn't notice that her breathing has become ragged and unstable, just in time for Jihyo to finish her own and has passed the spotlight over to Jeongyeon.

The crowd cheers the loudest for her, chanting her nickname as she tries her best to gain control of her breathing.

“Hi I’m Jeongyeon!” She greets into the mic, their LA audience erupting into a clamour of rejoice, it was her first sighting from hiatus - her first stage in god knows how long, and her first exposure back into their fanbase - but this time she had no intentions of going back into hiding, not anymore.

Jihyo had held her hand during the opening ment, immediately noticing her shaky breathing and hands. 

Come to think of it, Jihyo hadn’t left her side the entire time when they weren’t performing; even walking around the stage during the encore, Jihyo hadn’t left her side for more than a few feet to read a sign or two.

Her breathing calms down noticeably as she lets the roar of applause bring her back to reality, “It’s been a long time since I was able to participate in a concert.”

She exhales.

She feels a hand on the small of her back.

She recognises those circular movements anywhere.

Jihyo.

She sucks in another breath, deciding to be a little more open to her fanbase.

“I was actually really nervous and really worried prior to the concert.”

“But once I heard the music, I felt like I really, really wanted to participate.”

The crowd erupts once more, she turns towards her bandmates on either side of her, Sana and Nayeon scream their own cheers alongside the crowd as Momo gives her a wide grin as she visibly tries to keep from tearing up.

Jeongyeon, on the other hand, doesn’t; letting her own fall down her cheeks and smearing whatever stage makeup she has.

Her abdomen gets engulfed by Momo almost immediately, the rest of her members quick to follow suit as Jihyo shields her away from the cameras, wiping her tears for her.

What an embarrassment, crying on stage after people finally think you’re ‘okay’ enough to have them not worry about you.

The thought quickly vanishes when she hears Nayeon urging the crowd to chant for her not to cry.

The thought gets buried deep in the back of her mind when she feels Jihyo bring a tissue to pat at her eyes.

She sucks in another breath, feeling all her girls around her, wordlessly letting her know how much they love her and how proud they are that she gets to stand here on stage in front of thousands after nearly a total of an entire year of not doing a concert.

When it was all said and done and the crowd began to dissipate away from the stage and onto the cold evening, Jeongyeon flops into the sofa in their make up room as she waits for her turn to get hers removed.

She sits there, staring at the wall as if it were the most interesting thing she had seen all day, until she feels hands massaging her shoulders.

“Lost in thought?” Jihyo starts quietly, rubbing at the tense knots, “I saw you shaking up there, I’m happy you still pushed through all of it. You did great, jagiya.”

Jeongyeon moves to sit properly, inviting Jihyo into the space beside her, ignoring the nickname she hadn’t heard being used on her since their rookie days being brought back seemingly out of nowhere.

“I’m okay,” is all she says, allowing herself to lean into Jihyo’s shoulder this time round rather than the younger one doing it first.

Jihyo freezes momentarily, suddenly aware of the physical affection the other was allowing herself to feel.

“Well, this is new,” She jokes, but doesn't make an effort to move, simply nuzzling herself in the space even more with a light chuckle, pushing aside the strange feeling in her chest at the contact.

“Today’s show got me feeling all sorts of things. I guess I’m just feeling more physically affectionate.” Jeongyeon doesn’t return her chuckle, instead opting to be at least a little more vulnerable. 

Whether it was because of post-concert feelings, some new realisations, or both remains unknown to Jihyo.

“Well, Sana did call you out during rehearsals the other week that you seemed to be more touchy lately.” She teases, “Not that anyone’s bothered by it, of course. We think it’s cute how you’ve been seeking us out whether you’re aware of it or not.”

Jeongyeon huffs out in faux offense, a small smile gracing her lips as her eyes shift focus to the floor, her left hand picking at some loose skin on her right index finger.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t consistent at showing up at the rehearsals. You’ve all been on tour for months already before I even decided to rejoin and I couldn’t even make up my mind whether to actually join you for this one or not till practically yesterday. I feel like I performed sloppily today because of that. I’m sor-”

“Nope. None of that, Jeong. You were dealing through so much. The mere fact that you believed in yourself enough to show up on stage and perform as well as you did today? That’s all any of us could ask for. You looked amazing on that stage and you performed like you owned the place. I'm happy the fire didn’t completely die out. We’re happy you’re back. We’re overjoyed that you got up there and gave it your all. We missed you. I missed you.”

“I may have looked like I knew what I was doing - and thankfully it looked like I did if you specifically thought so - but I hope one day I can start finding that love for performing again. I think… where I’m at right now… I'm doing it more for all of you than for myself. Our members, our fans, you. I don’t really have the capacity to love myself the way I used to just yet. Not after everything.”

Nayeon had walked in then, her face bare of all make up and clothing now being a crewneck and sweatpants, ready for their nightly tour dinner. 

She saunters over to Jeongyeon’s front and kneels down, forcing Jeongyeon to look at her by grabbing her hands and enveloping them both in her own.

“The stage is filled with only people who love you anyway, so even if you don’t have the capacity to do it for yourself, we’ll be more than happy to do it for you until the time comes that you can do it for yourself - and I’m very sure our fans would do that no questions asked.”

Jeongyeon swallows the lump in her throat and nods, looking directly at Nayeon then over at Jihyo then tears up some more.

“Thank you.”

3rd

It was the middle of spring when Jeongyeon found herself exiting onto the highway driving her own vehicle for the fourth time this week, the reason being Jihyo simply calling her over to spend the night at her apartment again in the span of five days.

Her best friend was preparing for her solo debut, dated for August that same year. It was now April and Jeongyeon wouldn't lie and say she wasn't as nervous as her longest friend if asked. 

Jihyo was having trouble writing some of the songs, inspiration seeming to flee from her mind right before she could properly grasp at the straws and turn them into something coherent or tangible. Unable to truly settle on the thoughts and feelings in her mind enough to turn them into a melody - much less proper lyrics. 

Jeongyeon doesn't know why, but Jihyo always seemed more inspired and energetic whenever she was around at her place; her songwriting notebook always ending up with more content and scribbles after each hangout and sleepover. 

As long as it helps her get her thoughts out, Jeongyeon thinks, as she pulls up into the building's parking lot and finds the extra slot Jihyo owns beside her own car's parking slot. She had negotiated the terms with the landlord when she had scouted the building, wanting to ensure she can have two cars parked on her own - and any visitor she may have’s - free will. 

She exits the elevator, then punches in the key code to get into the apartment; having been one of the very few people outside of Jihyo's immediate family and manager to be given the code for her to visit as much as she pleases. 

Or in this case, as much as Jihyo pleases for her to be there. 

“You’re here already, jagiya! That was fast.” She rises from her dining table, moving over to the hallway to give Jeongyeon a hug.

Jeongyeon returns the hug, a small smile gracing her lips as they pull away and she sets her bag down on the table, “I brought peaches, appa just came back from visiting relatives in the province and picked some from the farm for us.” 

True to her word, her bag opens and she pulls out a bag of about ten or so peaches, ripe and ready for consumption.

Jihyo smiles and takes the bag, pouring out the contents into her strainer to wash later on.

“One, thank you, and two, wanna drink? I feel like I need to loosen up because I can’t for the life of me finish these last two songs.” She reaches into her liquor fridge, pulling out two bottles of soju, and offers one to Jeongyeon.

The older chuckles, taking the bottle and moving towards Jihyo’s sofa, only to sit on the floor, the plush furniture merely serving as a backrest.

Jihyo moves beside her, setting her own bottle and shot glass beside Jeongyeon’s as she settles into the floor with her best friend.

Jeongyeon then reaches over towards the scattered papers on the table, “So, show me where the unfinished songs are.”

The younger nods, grabbing her notebook and some sheets of paper with the musical arrangement the songs are supposed to flow into. “This one’s called ‘Closer’, and the other one’s called ‘Wishing on You,’ they’re supposed to have the emotions of yearning for someone and wanting them to take the hint.”

“Oh? Does Twice’s leader Park Jihyo have a special someone in mind?” Jeongyeon teases, taking the papers given to her and reading the current lyrics, unable to explain the sudden twinge of hurt in her chest as she reads over the unfinished lyrics.

“Gods, no, I’d be caught dead before even thinking of trying to date again. That and we’re literally leaving for the first stop of our world tour next week, my upcoming solo debut, our other comebacks later on this year, plus any other schedules we might have in between. I don’t have time for that unless the person’s literally on the same schedule as us.” Jihyo pushes her friend, enough to have her lean over but not enough to really move her from her sitting position.

Jeongyeon nods, her heart thumping at the words as she continues reading the lyrics, a dry lump in her throat.

“I don't know what you mean to me
I don't care about whatever do I mean to you, make it easy
Tell me where this is heading”

“Oh wow, Ji. This is very- uh-” Jeongyeon starts, swallowing the lump and putting the paper down to face her friend.

“Vulnerable? Obvious? On-the-nose?”

“Yeah, that.” She pauses, words carefully constructing themselves in her mind before she lets go of them, “Are you sure there’s nobody in mind?”

“No you idiot! I’m just . . . I don’t know . . . bringing myself back to the headspace of yearning? That’s all I can really do, y’know, with how busy we all are, we realistically can’t do anything like that now and in the foreseeable future.” She takes the papers back, neatly returning them on the now-rearranged stack on the table, downing her fourth shot of soju as Jeongyeon downs her third, the atmosphere around them changing into something quieter, more private, intimate.

“Mmm . . . I get it. But with the way you’re writing these, it really does feel like you’re going through something.” She smiles, feeling Jihyo lean on her shoulder, eliciting a small chuckle from Jeongyeon.

“Maybe one day, but not today. I don’t even know what label I see myself under; and you know me and my labels.” Jihyo smiles somberly, her face looking up to properly look at her best friend.

“You don’t have to have one, you know. Nayeon-unnie doesn’t have one, but she knows she’s into anyone as long as there’s an emotional attachment established first before any feelings come up. You don’t have to find your label quickly, either. It’s a process. Like how it took Momo and Sana years before they realised theirs.” Jeongyeon feels her ears burning with the intensity of Jihyo staring at her like that.

Like she was something to devour.

Her heartbeat picks up, suddenly ultra-aware of the non-existent distance between them.

For the first time, her anxiety attack comes in the form of actively fighting against the urge to kiss her best friend.

‘I do not want to kiss her! She’s my best friend! She’s just drunk! Don’t do it!’ She rationalises in her mind, breathing picking up and getting shorter by the second.

“Jeong? You okay?” Jihyo pulls away from Jeongyeon’s shoulder, much to the older’s dismay, her friend’s expression changing into that of concern as she scoots a few inches away to give Jeongyeon some breathing room.

All Jeongyeon could manage was a shake of her head, hands now cold and trembling, her head swirling with all these not so platonic thoughts she’s having about her very platonic best friend.

Jihyo notices her hands, having seen this happen enough times for her to know how to calm the other down; gently taking both in her hands and rubbing each finger tenderly, lovingly, all her focus is grounding Jeongyeon back down from wherever her thoughts have taken her.

She’s gonna think of you differently if you say anything.

You’ll ruin the friendship and everything you’ve built together.

The band would be ruined if anything changes.

Just because a pretty woman says she doesn’t know her label doesn’t mean you have a cha- wait what?

“Breathe.” Jihyo, gentle yet stern, gains her attention, squeezing both hands in her own, placing hers and Jeongyeon’s intertwined left hands on her chest for her best friend to follow.

Jeongyeon’s all too familiar with this now, it’s become their routine whenever she’s having an attack and they have enough time to take it slow until she feels better.

She nods, closing her eyes and following along with Jihyo’s breathing; throughout all of this, she has been in an internal push and pull between herself: her anxiety telling her it’s wrong to have these feelings for her best friend but at the same time, Jeongyeon herself realising in real time that she does, in fact, have a crush on her best friend.

All with impeccably horrible timing.

Everything flashes in her mind, Jihyo’s presence in her life, Jihyo being pretty much the only one to fully ground her back to Earth after a bad episode, Jihyo wanting Jeongyeon to practically move into her apartment with her with how frequently they hang out at each other’s places outside of work.

Jihyo opening up the idea of giving away their surfing photos as posters for her solo debut - something that should be all about her - being shared with Jeongyeon. Jihyo wanting to put every ounce of Jeongyeon she can into this project because that’s just how much her best friend means to her.

Just . . . Jihyo.

It brings a huff out from Jeongyeon’s nose when it all slots into place, similarly to how she’s subconsciously leaned into Jihyo’s hold and them going from hand holding, to a full-on embrace, her breathing finally slowing down to something more manageable.

“You okay?” Jihyo was fully sober now, pulling away just ever so slightly to look at Jeongyeon and check.

“Y-yeah. I’m okay now, just got swarmed there, sorry.” The older nods slowly, swallowing in the sight in front of her as the last remnants of alcohol leave her body, forcing herself to pull away from her friend.

“Wanna talk about what happened in your head? I’m all ears.” Jihyo offers, eyes not leaving Jeongyeon’s at all, making the other feel bared open - and if she were being honest - quite scared.

Jeongyeon shakes her head, not wanting to open that can of worms so soon when she had just found out something new about herself and how she sees her supposed platonic best friend.

“I kinda wanna go for a walk.” She offers, knowing Jihyo would never take her deflections seriously and grant her anything she would ask of the other; no matter how many times the younger would deny this fact.

Jihyo smiles and nods, pushing herself up off the floor and moving enough to offer a hand towards Jeongyeon, “C’mon then, I know a place.”

And that’s how they ended up at Jihyo’s self-proclaimed Jihyo’s Park, a good 30-minute drive away from her apartment.

Eating corn at 1am, walking under a singular shared umbrella through dewy grass blades, and playing with playground equipment was definitely helpful in keeping Jeongyeon’s more spiral-ly thoughts at bay, a thought forming in her mind as a special little gift for Jihyo when the time comes.

She doesn’t tell Jihyo her plans, but the time eventually comes for her to give the gift she’d been planning for months; here, on Jihyo’s solo debut livestream, she gives her a small white box.

Inside? A silver ring she had designed and sourced the material herself - small, subtle, yet bears all the weight of the words the other had left unspoken.

To Jihyo, it was simply a gift of love and gratitude from her best friend; something thoughtful and sweet, a gift she would cherish forever and put her own hidden meaning behind.

To Jeongyeon, it was a promise that she would do whatever she could to be better for herself, for the girls, and for Jihyo. A promise that she would one day gain the courage to tell the other how she really felt about her. A promise that no matter what and how the world would turn out, there will always be a Jihyo and Jeongyeon.

 

 

4th 

Getting an anxiety attack a mere ten minutes before her solo performance was definitely not part of the plan, but here Jeongyeon is, palpitating out of her mind as she was getting her makeup retouched after she had changed into her solo segment outfit.

Sitting in the chair, all she can realistically do is stare at herself in the mirror; try as she might not to succumb to her thoughts however, it's the only thing wafting around her mind as her eyes practically glue themselves to her figure in the glass.

Despite it being quite a while now since her last major anxiety attack, Jeongyeon still kept her own mirrors covered back home, still tried to minimise seeing herself as much as possible if it wasn’t needed for work-related things.

However, as she was about to perform a cover song, the stakes have changed. Her ability to keep herself in check was wavering as her heart thumps harder against her chest, breathing tight and unmanageable. 

Nobody’s going to cheer for you.

You’re going to mess up your cover of Japan’s most popular rock band.

You’ll be an embarrassment to not just your girls, but the entirety of K-Pop.

So much for Twice being the lead contributor in reviving the hallyu wave in Japan.

All because of you.

"All right, all done Jeongyeon-ah, good luck out there!" Her make-up artist smiles, ushering her off the chair and back towards the exit to the stage. 

As she walks, her vision blurs, head spinning as her rampant thoughts go haywire through her entire being. Her hands are cold and sweaty, no amount of wiping them against her shirt seems to fix the problem. 

I'm going to mess up so badly. 

I should've stuck to the cover I was already doing. 

What was I thinking??? 

A hand lands on her shoulder, then, a squeeze follows soon after, breaking her out of the vicious storm going on in her own psyche. 

Nayeon was now behind her, makeup fully retouched and outfit worn as she too was now ready for her solo performance after Jeongyeon's own. 

"I can hear you think, Jeongyeon-ah. You'll be okay, I promise. I know it hasn't exactly been easy on you for the entire tour but please believe me when I say you've done amazingly throughout all of it. I may not be Jihyo so I don't exactly know if you'll end up listening but I'm still your unnie, and I say no matter what, those people out there? They'll love anything you put out for them. Plus, like I said last time, ‘the venue is only filled with people who love you anyway,’ so just have fun, okay? We’ll be here when you come back to finish the rest of our show.”

Jeongyeon takes a deep breath in and nods, before quickly realising something Nayeon had slipped into her reassurance speech, "Wait- what did you mean by ‘I'm not Jihyo so you don't know if I'll listen?’ What's that supposed to mean?" 

But just as Nayeon was about to answer, Jihyo enters the backstage area and sees her two longest friends waiting for her to get back from her solo segment, leaving Nayeon with just being able to answer Jeongyeon's question with a small grin and a wink.

She takes in the sight of them and immediately goes in to hug Jeongyeon - having already wordlessly picked up on what the other needed depending on just her expressions - tightening her embrace on her friend, lips ghosting the outer shell of the older's ear as both hands wrap around her best friend in that familiar grounding method Jeongyeon’s come to associate with warmth and safety.

"I can't wait to see you out there, jagiya. You'll do amazing and you get to prove those voices in your head wrong; and I'll be here cheering you on the loudest." 

Admittedly, something had changed between her and Jihyo since that day at Jihyo’s apartment last year. They’ve become more touchy, more flirty, and Jeongyeon was absolutely relishing every moment they’re together.

She doesn’t have the courage to confess just yet, much rather preferring to stay as they are, in this game of ‘will-they, won’t-they’ that she’s pretty sure Nayeon had pieced together on her own.

Snapping out of her thoughts, she takes the words from both of them to heart, Jihyo’s words having finally gotten through to her and - accompanied by Nayeon’s words of encouragement - she proceeds to harness everything she has in her to own the stage for her cover of Wherever You Are. 

Electrifying. Soul-Wrenching. 

(Jihyo had never seen anything quite like it before. Like her.) 

Unbeknownst to Jihyo and the rest of the girls, a lock had finally clicked into place in Jeongyeon's heart as she finished her solo performance. She felt lighter, happier, like she finally found her place once more. The tightness in her chest alleviates as she waves to the crowd.

(Jihyo smiles the widest she ever has, unable to take her eyes off her friend despite her staff urging her to head back to change into outfits for the third act.)

She sees the candybongs all flashing green for her, applause ringing loudly in her ears as she places the microphone back in its rightful place. 

(All the green lights may be for Jeongyeon, but something deep inside Jihyo illuminates brighter as she watches her best friend reclaim herself in front of the largest stadium they've ever had so far.)

It is here, in the roar of those who love her the most, surrounded by the very people she thought would no longer see nor like her the same way they used to before, that her heart finally sees the truth.

(It is here, in the roar of their audience, that her soul also roars; one with a different tone and purpose amidst everyone else’s. One attuned to not just her feelings on Jeongyeon finally gaining her spark back, but something else. Something more.)

They may not love her the exact same way they used to from before her hiatus, but they all still love her with all of the excess baggage she’s accumulated for herself.

(Jihyo realises she would love her in any way Jeongyeon would ever need, including all her baggage and unspoken secrets.)

Their love is new, louder, made from the remnants of how they used to love her before.

(Her love is reinforced, dangerous, and exhilarating all together, made from the remnants of how she used to love her best friend for years before this.)

And through that renewed love, Jeongyeon finds her own love for performing returning in full force, like a chain setting her free.

(And through that reinforced love, Jihyo finds herself terrified at the change, like a chain tying her to Jeongyeon, heavy with the weight of uncertainty.)

It is here, on the stage of their biggest stadium show yet, that she vows to herself not to go on any hiatus moving forward.

(It is here, in the backstage area of their biggest stadium show yet, that she vows to herself to do anything and everything to make sure Jeongyeon never has to go through what she did on her own ever again moving forward.)

It is here she realises she’s truly, undoubtedly, at long last, home.

(It is here she realises she can't live a life without Jeongyeon by her side.)

 

5th

It wasn’t supposed to be taken seriously.

It was supposed to just be a drunken dare, nothing more.

But here they were, with Jihyo’s lips just having left Jeongyeon’s own in a liquor-induced haze, and the rest of their bandmates reacting by flaunting their respective vocal cords.

Jeongyeon waits a little bit before deciding to disappear into the bathroom, not wanting to make it obvious that the kiss really did affect her had she run off immediately after. Instead, she heads out after the joke of Jihyo aiming to kiss Nayeon next.

When Nayeon refuses, Jeongyeon takes this as the perfect opportunity to excuse herself and head to the bathroom to calm herself down - and gain some semblance of sobriety, most importantly.

She all but stumbles into the bathroom, clutching the edges of the sink as she fights to stay upright, her breathing hitching as she begins to huff.

It didn’t mean anything to her.

It was all in jest.

None of it was real.

You’re imagining the connotations, she’ll never think of you like that.

She doesn’t know how long she was in there just trying to gain control of her breathing, but it was probably a considerable amount of time if the next time the door to the bathroom opened, it was Jihyo entering the space.

Jihyo.

Jeongyeon’s one what if.

“Jagiya? Gwaenchana? You disappeared and it’s been longer than 20 minutes, so I decided to check up on y- oh.” Jihyo freezes at the sight.

Busted.

“Oh, Jeongie…” Jihyo saunters over to her, carefully prying Jeongyeon's whitening knuckles - which were gripping the porcelain sink for dear life - to hold her hands properly.

Jeongyeon flinches at the touch, something that hasn't happened since her first rehearsal back from her first hiatus all the way back in 2021 for Scientist. 

Jihyo nearly lets go of her then, opting instead to loosen her hold on the other ever so slightly, enough to give Jeongyeon the option to pull away if she felt the need for it. 

Much to Jihyo's gratitude, she fortunately doesn't, instead opting to focus on the floor of the bathroom, hoping nobody else would come barreling in despite all the cubicles being free and open for use. 

“Let's move somewhere else then, yeah? Somewhere with fresh air so your attack doesn't get any worse.” Her leader and best friend guides her out of the bathroom, not once letting go of her hand as they take a quick turn through the hallway and onto one of the balconies peering over the forest behind their rented Airbnb for the shoot. Internally, Jeongyeon was thankful for both the change in scenery and also the foresight of their crew to book a place that contained beds knowing none of them would be sleeping early nor sober enough to go home after filming. 

“What's going on in your head, jagiya?” She opens quietly once they are settled onto the railing, voice hushed and full of trepidation at their current circumstance as she closes the glass door behind her; full attention now on Jeongyeon. 

Jeongyeon takes a deep breath, still reeling from her anxiety attack and just looks at Jihyo. 

In front of her she sees her childhood friend, someone she had gotten to know at just 13 years old, who had skipped her way over to her and immediately asked for her age before asking for her name. 

Who had immediately befriended her shortly after officially joining the company purely because of them being the same age. 

In front of her, she sees the aged wrinkles and tired lines of her friend who has been in the industry for 19 years at this point. 

The aged wrinkles of someone who was supposed to debut with her under a smaller girl group that didn't quite come to fruition. 

The tired lines of someone who fought and clawed their way up to debut under a newer, stronger team. Their team. 

The industry that has repeatedly tried to undermine them all in the beginning, only for Jihyo to fight for them and emerging battered, bruised, and victorious. 

In Jihyo's worried eyes Jeongyeon finds her leader, whom she has followed loyally without question - but with compromise and communication - through everything they've been through so far.

Her leader, who has given her countless tidbits over the years to improve her own set of skills when asked.

Her leader, who always made sure to keep her in the loop and updated on everything happening with their job during a time when she couldn’t even figure out how to keep her own mental health in check.

Her leader, who was always so patient with her, who saw her as someone to guide rather than someone to toss aside like so many other idol group leaders before her.

In Jihyo’s expression, Jeongyeon finds her best friend.

Her best friend who has been there with her for everything over their 14 years together - they’ve now been friends longer than they haven’t - to where Jeongyeon doesn’t remember what it was like not having Jihyo by her side.

Her best friend who saw her during her worst moments and decided to stay, to keep her company, to help her get back into the full swing of things.

Her best friend . . . who she can no longer hide her feelings for. Whatever happens, at least she’ll get it out of her system once and for all.

Jihyo squeezes Jeongyeon’s hands once more, reassuring her to take her time before getting her thoughts out into the irreversible spoken air.

Jeongyeon is snapped out of her thoughts, back to the question given to her by the very woman she’s been having dreams of being more than platonic for for years now.

Taking a deep breath, shakily, she asks, “What are we?”

Jihyo’s eyes widened at the question, “What do you mean? I-is this about the kiss? Look, if I was crossing any lines, I’m sorry about that I didn’t mea-

“Not just that. Everything else. The intimacy, the way we’ve been treating each other since that day in your apartment last year before we left for tour. Whatever, we can talk about this when you’re not drunk anymore.” She huffs, moving to get back to the rest of the girls before they get followed again.

“I’m not drunk.” Jihyo had grabbed her wrist, “Haven’t been since the kiss. I was aware when I did that, I wanted to do that.”

Jeongyeon turns back towards her, when Jihyo speaks up again, “can we please talk about this?”

Jeongyeon shakily moves back to the railing, Jihyo not making a move to remove her hand on her friend’s wrist, now moving to properly hold her hand, fingers cautiously slotting in place as if they were meant to be laced together.

“Okay.”

Jihyo breathes out relieved that her friend had accepted the request, but her heart begins to race at the implications of where this conversation could be heading.

“What did you mean by that? That you wanted to do it,’ wanted to kiss me.” Jeongyeon raises their intertwined hands and places them atop the balcony railing, not doing anything to pull them apart, just looking at how well they looked coiled like that.

Allowing herself to hope.

“I mean it. I wanted to kiss you. I think I have for a while now, and . . . I know deep down you feel the same for me.” It was Jihyo’s turn to swallow a lump in her throat, not wanting to be misunderstood but at the same time hoping that her reading of Jeongyeon was just as accurate as she assumed it to be.

“I think that’s incredibly selfish. We’re idols, for fuck’s sake. Regardless of how we feel about each other, we’re not allowed to pursue anything more than what we have right now,” Jeongyeon pauses, her voice turning quiet and somber, almost resigned to their fate, “no matter how much we both want it.”

“ . . . Am I not allowed to be selfish just this once? I've given the world everything I am and at the end of the day - after all the glitz and glamour, after all the applause and make up - I just want to come home to you. Are we not allowed to have that?” Jihyo’s voice is shaky, on the verge of something fiery yet dejected.

“As selfish as I want to be - and sshibal Jihyo, I want to - I’m more worried about the future of our careers. What about the girls? Twice? Our fans? We can’t drag them down with us.” Jeongyeon has tears in the corner of her eyes, wanting to give in so badly but knowing the factors at play preventing them from changing their dynamic into something they both wanted.

“I’m not saying I don’t care about them - about it all. I’m just saying I want to do something for me. For us. I don’t care about the logistics as long as I get to have you and we get to figure it out together. You said you want to be selfish too. Then let’s be selfish together. Let’s try this out. You and me.” Jihyo, too, now has tears in her eyes, threatening to spill, suddenly she was now uncertain of the outcome of this conversation compared to her nervous confidence a mere few minutes ago.

Jeongyeon contemplates on the offer, remembering all the dreams she’s had where she gets to wake up in bed with Jihyo by her side. Spending their day-offs together cuddling on the sofa or going on surfing trips not as best friends, but as more.

She opens her mouth, just wanting to make sure Jihyo was serious about this, ‘’If we do this, you're willing to put up with me? With all my bad days and anxiety attacks and body issues?”

‘’I'm not putting up with all those, I'm choosing to go through it all with you. I want to be there for every bad day, every anxiety attack, and I don't care if I have to kiss every part of your body so you get to see yourself the way I see you.” Jihyo - in all her trembling glory - takes her free hand and places it on Jeongyeon’s cheek, wiping a stray tear with her thumb.

“How do you see me?” She says unsure, cautious, testing the waters in case she ends up drowning in this moment they’ve found themselves in.

“I don't know when exactly my feelings for you became the way they are, maybe during your solo on our last show for the Ready To Be tour, but I always knew you were beautiful. Before debut, after debut, during hiatus, and even now after it. You're gorgeous to me, Jeong, I don't care what the world or your head says about your body. If anything, there's just more of you for me to love.” Jihyo winks, a wet chuckle escaping her lips as her hand laced with Jeongyeon’s is let go and she gets to use the opportunity to cup both of her cheeks in both hands.

“I’ve never felt this level of comfort and love and understanding from anyone else. Only you. I want to be able to give you the same feelings you’ve always given me - whether you’ve been aware of it or not. I love you, Yoo Jeongyeon. I hope getting to pour my heart out to you uninterrupted means you do too.” She smiles, in that cute, a little drooly way Jeongyeon always finds adorable.

Jeongyeon smiles, matching that goofy grin as she slowly pries Jihyo’s hands away from her cheeks and opts to hold them both the same way Jihyo had when she found her heaving in the bathroom she no longer knows how long it was ago.

“Thank you for being there for me through everything I’ve been through, for being my safe space even if most of the time it’s you just knowing exactly what I need without me even having to reach out to you to ask for it. Thank you for growing up with me, and for everything you’ve done for me. I love you too, Park Jihyo, thank you for being my leader, my best friend, and I hope . . . now this means I get to call you my girlfriend?” Jeongyeon’s blushing is unmistakable, despite the dim lighting of the balcony Jihyo couldn't ignore it at all; her own blushing now becoming apparent as the words have sunken in. 

“I would love that. But you gotta make it more formal than that, c'mon now.” Jihyo teases, an amused smirk on her features as Jeongyeon takes her hands back from their intertwined state with a half-exasperated sigh she knows Jihyo won't take seriously. 

“Wanna be girlfriends?” Jeongyeon asks casually with a voice that could only be described as giddiness masked as nonchalance, hoping that would be enough to satisfy the other. 

“Properly, jagiya.” Jihyo was grinning now, cheeks beginning to ache from how much this feels like a high school crush. 

Jeongyeon giggles lightly, enough to dust off the nerves in her system as she asks again, “Park Jihyo-ya, my leader, my best friend, and my co-parent of seven girls, would you do me the honour of stepping up from our current platonic relationship and into the uncertain yet fulfilling world of becoming girlfriends? Hanaman seontaeghae eoseo Yes or Yes?”

Instead of a verbal answer, Jihyo instead wraps her hands around Jeongyeon's neck and goes in for a deep kiss, Jeongyeon's hands instinctively wrapping around her waist. 

A real kiss. 

Without the pretense of alcohol in their systems nor a camera shoved in their faces for content. 

Without fans chanting for fanservice. 

Their first real kiss. 

When they pull away, Jihyo grins that adorable toothy grin of hers, mirroring Jeongyeon's own, “Yes, yeobo.”

“Okay, cool.” Jeongyeon laughs louder now, truly happy and content with everything that has just occurred. 

Jihyo shoves her then, just enough to give them some space, “You're the worst. I call you the cutest pet name and all you do is say cool? Also using our own song lyrics at the end there? You’re corny as hell.”

“Well, I've already filled up my quota of being soft and sentimental when I made that little spiel on asking you to be my girlfriend, so; and you can’t lie, you love whenever I get corny.” Jeongyeon winks at her, her hand moving back to wrap around Jihyo's waist, pulling her back to her side and mustering enough courage to kiss her cheek. 

Jihyo snickers, her blushing never quite fully dissipating, her tone slightly going softer as she asks, “You never did tell me what the cause of this one's anxiety attack was. Are you okay now? How're you feeling?”

Jeongyeon smiles down at her, their height difference more apparent up close like this. Nodding at her girlfriend as she decides to actually admit, “Yeah, I'm okay, now that you're here.”

A pause.

“No but seriously,” she starts, after seeing Jihyo's half-amused eye roll, “You kissing me back there made me go through intense thoughts in my head. Lots of me thinking I was making shit up and you didn't see me as anything more than a friend. That my crush on you for the past 2 years would amount to nothing. That's about when you found me.”

Jihyo nods, taking in the words and letting them be absorbed into her mind properly, “You've had a crush on me for two years?”

Jeongyeon nods bashfully, “I'm surprised that's the only thing you retained from everything I said,” she chuckles. 

“It's the part that stands out,” she states matter-of-factly, “but back to everything itself, thank you for telling me. I know you don't usually talk about what causes your attacks but I'm so proud of you for letting me know this one specifically. I can see why us having this heart to heart would calm you down; and also both of us finding out we had mutual feelings all along.” Jihyo goes in for another kiss, lighter than their first one this time, firm enough to ground both of them back down to Earth. 

“Let's get back to the girls, yeah?” Jeongyeon offers when they pull away, the blush dusting her cheeks intensifying as they walk back into the building hand in hand. 

Jihyo’s eyes widened at the mention of their team, a question immediately on her mind, “Should we tell them?”

Jeongyeon turns to her, equally pensive, “Well we can’t hide it from them since they’ll know almost immediately. But I’d also rather keep you as just mine for tonight . . . for selfish reasons. Maybe tomorrow? When they’re all no longer loaded with liquor - except for Dahyun-ah of course. Can we tell them over breakfast?”

Jihyo squeezes the hand locked in her own, nodding, “Yeah, tomorrow at breakfast sounds good. I’d like to keep us a secret too, just for tonight. Just for us.” She smiles, leading the way back to the room with the rest of their bandmates.

When they return, they face one of the four cameras left behind by their filming crew to film the rest of their drunken evening, Jihyo makes a small remark for the editors, “Cut out the parts where me and Jeong disappeared, it was about over an hour or so, just had to talk without the cameras around. Gamsahamnidaaa!” 

With that out of the way, they both return to their seats, Nayeon taking the opportunity to tease them for their disappearance. Momo and Sana follow suit almost immediately.

“Woah you both look messy. Anything happen between you?” Nayeon smirks, taking another sip of her liquor of choice.

Momo immediately picks up on it, “You were gone for a while! It’s a surprise we didn’t hear anything!” She barks out in laughter afterwards, garnering the attention of everyone at the table, even cutting through the seemingly deep discussion Dahyun and Sana were having in their little corner.

Jeongyeon simply laughs it off, sneaking a glance towards Jihyo to see how the other was to get them out of this situation - knowing with full trust she wouldn’t simply use Jeongyeon having an anxiety attack as a scapegoat excuse.

“We called all our managers to take tomorrow fully off. I know we have this place all to ourselves for the night and they were expecting us back at JYPE in the afternoon, but we talked them into letting us have the day off instead to cure whatever hangovers we might have considering we’ve been mixing different types of alcohol all night.”

Smooth.

A half-truth.

The managers had given them the day off before they had left, only mentioning it to Jihyo as she was the one closest in proximity to the crew; she had intended to prank the rest of them tomorrow morning, but in the sequence of events that had taken place, she needed to pull the trump card sooner to cover their tracks.

The girls seem to believe that, letting them off the hook and giving out their praises of gratitude at now gaining a day off from their otherwise grueling schedule, cheers echoing through the room as they each all take more shots of their desired alcoholic beverage.

A few hours later, when all was said and done with their mess all cleaned up, the members of Twice head towards the one giant bedroom in the entire rented house, sharing a room not being new to them at all in their almost ten years of friendship and teamwork.

The room was divided into three queen sized mattresses on the floor, with guests being able to freely move them around according to their preferences and roommate situations.

With Twice, however, they all just decided to push them together to make one giant bed, opting instead to maximise the space and sleep side by side. 

This gives Jihyo the perfect excuse to lay next to her starting-today girlfriend. The newest term to describe her best friend bringing a feeling of satisfaction and giddiness in her chest she simply couldn’t hide away from.

Jeongyeon automatically takes one of the outer edge spots, the members being well aware she liked to wake earliest amongst all of them purely for the ability to cook them breakfast in the morning on days they get to simply exist together, knowing they’d be more than delighted of her swiftly taking the spot. She sits on the edge of the mattress with her feet cross legged on the carpet under the mattress, now scrolling her phone, her back turned against the rest of the conjoined mattresses when she feels arms snake around her waist.

She squeals in surprise, turning around quickly to find Jihyo wrapped around her.

“You’re lucky everyone else is freshening up for the night.” Jeongyeon grins, stealing a quick yet firm kiss from an otherwise cocky-looking Jihyo.

“Me? I’m simply here claiming my spot next to you. If anyone asks, I’ll just say I’m going on an early run tomorrow when you inevitably wake up to make breakfast for everyone; you waking up means I get to just slide out with ease.” She chuckles, batting her eyelashes innocently, slowly closing the gap between them once again.

The moment is broken when the door swings open, revealing the newly dried heads of Chaeyoung, Mina, and Nayeon fresh from their respective evening routines.

Jihyo jumps off of her position against Jeongyeon, slamming her back onto the mattress just behind her girlfriend as if she had just jumped onto the bed.

“You guys are fast.” Chaeyoung smiles, removing her slippers and claiming a spot near the middle, equally bringing out her phone to scroll through social media, “Good thing us three came early, we still get to choose free spots.”

True to her word, Mina and Nayeon crawl onto the mattresses, with Nayeon taking the spot on the other side of Jihyo, and Mina settling in next to Chaeyoung.

The rest of the girls pile into the room, taking their own respective spots for the night as Jeongyeon finally lays down properly and hides under the comforter, immediately seeking Jihyo’s hand or waist without being too obvious.

Jihyo takes her hand from under the covers, rubbing circles all over the back of Jeongyeon’s hand with her thumb, trying to suppress the smile on her lips at the contact and how scandalous it feels hiding their new relationship from the rest of their friends, regardless of it being just for the night.

It takes less than a full hour until all nine members of Twice have simmered down for the night, all settled in and tucked under covers ending their day of simply having fun.

In the quiet, Jihyo ever so slightly turns towards Jeongyeon, lips grazing the edge of the other’s ear as she whispers the smallest, “Saranghae, jagiya,” her head moving to rest in the crook of Jeongyeon’s neck and shoulder, directly above where her surgery scar lays.

In the silence, Jeongyeon replies back by kissing Jihyo’s forehead and uttering an even smaller, “Saranghaeyo, aein,” closing her eyes and letting the exhaustion, drunkenness, and sleep envelope her senses.

As expected, Jeongyeon wakes first the next day without the need of an alarm clock.

She assesses her surroundings, finding that Jihyo had moved sometime in their sleep and was now back on her own pillow, her hands however were still tightly wrapped around Jeongyeon’s waist.

Carefully prying the other off of her, she rolls off the bed and onto the carpet, making the least amount of noise as possible.

Successfully making her way out of the room without any collateral damage, Jeongyeon allows herself to cheer ever so quietly, making her way down to the kitchen to begin cooking for her bandmates.

Now that she was fully busy with her task at hand, Jeongyeon was unaware that her girlfriend had woken up a little over 20 minutes after she had begun her cooking preparations.

Jihyo stretches awake, arm moving around searching for a body that she hadn’t had in contact with for a little too long for her liking, eyes blinking open against her will in the absence of a presence by her side.

She squints, head turning to her left, confirming her suspicions of Jeongyeon no longer being there beside her.

She lets out a huff of amusement, a smile of fondness gracing her lips as she decides to follow the older to help out with whatever she may need help with - not at all using the quiet morning air as an excuse to steal as much solo time with her new girlfriend before they have to come clean and tell the others the previous night’s sequence of events, nope not at all.

Jeongyeon is finishing up grating some vegetables for the japchae when she feels all-too familiar arms wrapping around her waist, “Well good morning, Jihyo-ssi,” she smiles, backing up to give the other some space to move towards her front.

“Just my name? No cute nicknames? I’m hurt, jagiya.” Jihyo sulks, but moves her position from Jeongyeon’s back to her front, placing her chin on the other’s shoulder, “Good morning to you, too.”

“Awh, don’t be so grumpy already, aein, it’s too early in the morning. Why don’t you get some more sleep? You look like you need it.” Jeongyeon pulls them away from their hug, kissing Jihyo’s forehead and looking her in the eye trying to convince her leader to take advantage of their day off.

Jihyo, despite being enticed, shakes her head with a determined look on her face, “I wanted to help out making food. Consider it our first activity as more-than-friends.”

Jeongyeon smiles at this, doing nothing to hide her blushing, “Oh good, that wasn’t a dream,” she teases.

“A dream come true, that’s what.” Jihyo rebuts, pulling away from her girlfriend and pulls out another bowl, “What other food were you thinking of? I can get started on those ones while you’re still finishing what you’re currently making.”

The older nods, giving Jihyo an apron as she returns to her own bowl of grated vegetables, “I’m currently in the middle of making japchae, you start the dakjuk? After that, I was thinking of kimchi soup since it’s rainy and cold outside . . . Oh! We can’t forget the egg dumplings and rice. Maybe some green or jasmine tea too for the hangover.

Jihyo looks awe-struck at the daughter of an ex-president’s chef; Jeongyeon cooking was nothing new to any of them, by any means, but there’s something special with how everything they do moving forward will always be painted in a new light now that their relationship has moved up a scale.

“Ji? Aein? You okay?” 

Jihyo snaps out of her thoughts, her expression unchanged as she reaches up for their first kiss of the day, “I’m more than okay. I love you.”

“Moving up already? Neither of us have brushed our teeth yet,” Jeongyeon jokes, yet kisses her back with no intent of denying the other of something she herself finds so intoxicating.

“But I love you too.” She replies as soon as they pull away, refocusing on their task at hand before anyone else wakes up hungover and hungry.

It takes about two and a half hours, but the couple are now finally almost done. Jihyo had decided to make fish-shaped bread with custard, chocolate, and red bean paste as fillings to provide a little sweet treat for all of them to enjoy after the main foods of breakfast were done.

As they were now just cleaning up the mess of cutlery, Jihyo decided it was the perfect time to do something cheesy she herself had always wanted to do for ages.

“Jeongie?” Jihyo calls out, her fingers ghosting Jeongyeon’s waist.

“Hmm?”

“Dance with me?” Her voice is small despite knowing Jeongyeon would say yes to her.

A small chuckle escapes Jeongyeon’s lips before she turns around to face her girlfriend, “Yeah, okay. Any song in mind?”

“Your cover of Wherever You Are. Sing it for me? I’ll sing with you.” She smiles a little shy now, ears turning red at the request.

“Why that one specifically?” Jeongyeon asks, adjusting her arms so now her left hand was laced with Jihyo’s while her right was around the other’s waist; mostly curious about the song choice rather than making any move not to oblige in her lover’s request.

“It’s the song that made me realise I fell in love with you for longer than I was even aware for.” Jihyo admits wholeheartedly, no longer having anything to hide when it came to her feelings for her best friend.

Now it was Jeongyeon’s turn to blush, eyes tearing up ever so slightly at the confession as she clears her throat and starts humming the intro verse, gaining a little more confidence as the song progresses.

Jihyo sings along happily, doing the second iteration of the chorus in unison with Jeongyeon’s first chorus, their voices hushed yet melodious, carefully crafted to just this moment between the two of them, their own little corner of the world too new and too precious to share with outsiders.

Wherever you are, I'll always make you smile                                          Wherever you are, I'll never make you cry
Wherever you are, I'm always by your side                                              Wherever you are, I'll never say goodbye
Whatever you say, kimi wo omou kimochi                                              Whatever you say, kimi wo omou kimochi
I promise you forever right now                                                              I promise you forever right now

In the quiet and solace of their duet and dance, unaware they were of peering eyes in the corner, through the open floor plan of their rented space were seven figures. One was holding a phone - its camera open - for the other six to properly see what was happening without giving themselves away.

When the song finishes and the two share a kiss, gasps can be heard from the unseen corner of the hallway, effectively startling the new couple.

“Well then, I guess it’s time to tell them.” Jeongyeon chuckles once they’ve settled back down from the momentary shock of the moment.

Jihyo mirrors her chuckle, nodding as she calls out, “Come on out, we heard you.”

Jeongyeon lets go of her, letting Jihyo walk towards the hallway to catch the rest of their members hunched over with eyes wide open, “You guys look like children, oh my god.” 

Nayeon is the first to say anything, standing up fully and moving to the front as the oldest, “Oh your god? Jihyo-yah! Jeongyeon-ah! What was that?! The singing, the dancing, the kiss?! Oh my god, the hell!” She smacks Jihyo’s shoulder - not out of any malice, but moreso the shock of it all.

“How about we all take a seat and have breakfast Jihyo and I made then we can talk all about this, yeah?” Jeongyeon steps forward, pulling up her still-hunched over members and guiding them towards the table from last night's drinking session.

It took a little bit considering only two people out of nine were fully awake to set up the table and chatter was all but calm around the place, but once all the food and cutlery were on the table, the members of Twice have silenced down to fully hear the tale from their leader and parental figure.

“Let’s do a question and answer type set-up so everybody gets to cover their bases.” Jihyo, ever the mediator, offers, gaining nods from everybody else.

“Nayeon!” Nayeon practically screams, raising her hand and herself from her seat before anyone else.

Jeongyeon rolls her eyes at her fondly, bracing herself for the onslaught.

“When? How? Who confessed first? Just those three from me, the others can take the more detail-heavy stuff.”

“Just last night, actually. The drunken kiss got us both to open up that, unsurprisingly, we were both into each other. Technically I confessed first but Jeongyeon had feelings for me longer than when I realised I had feelings for her, so. . .” Jihyo blushes, opting to start serving herself food to ease the atmosphere of being interrogated.

“Aha! I felt it in my bones that there was something between you!” Tzuyu surprisingly speaks up, more enthusiastic than she usually is during group meetings seeing as she was one of the three members who often didn’t say anything unless it was something they were heavily opinionated on.

“Oy! Tzu-yah, didn’t know all it’d take to get you to be more talkative was dating news.” Jeongyeon half-scolds, but with no real malice in her tone, jokingly pushing their maknae just enough to make her lean to her side and bump into Chaeyoung.

The table erupts with chatter at the word. 

Dating.

Jihyo and Jeongyeon are dating.

“So . . . what about the fans? The band?” Sana breaks the ice, turning the joyous aura of their breakfast into something more tense, quiet, and serious.

Jeongyeon answers this time, now knowing an answer after she herself was in Sana’s shoes just 12 hours ago when everything had happened.

“We hide. They’ll all think it’s fanservice anyway, as long as we don’t put out a statement confirming nor denying anything, we should be good. No PDA in public, and very careful screening of photos and videos before posting. We talked about it last night . . . how terrifying it feels to have these feelings, how selfish we sound risking our entire careers for this. But I’ve realised I want to do something for me, now. We’ve spent our teens and twenties grueling over this industry. I don’t want to spend my thirties giving and giving without taking every once in a while. We’re allowed to want things too.”

Jeongyeon turns to Jihyo now, her eyes practically drilling holes into the other’s, “And right now, all I want is to give my girlfriend all the love she’d let me give her.”

Almost like a vow.

An oath just for them and their group of witnesses.

“Eh?” Momo wears that cheeky grin of hers, “Who knew Jeongyeon-ah can get more sentimental than she already is?!” 

Chaeyoung couldn’t hold in her snicker as she continued to eat her breakfast, “Momo-unnie, this just means Jihyo-unnie has permanent immunity from Jeongyeon-unnie’s scolding from now on.”

Jeongyeon pouts at this, realising they were most likely right - at least until she finds her footing back and is able to retaliate against Jihyo once more.

Jihyo joins in on the laughter, subconsciously leaning herself onto Jeongyeon’s side, head landing on the other’s shoulder.

Her safe spot.

Her comfort zone.

“Are you going to tell our managers and team?” Dahyun asks as the chatter simmers down and they start digging into their breakfasts properly now.

“Maybe our managers. In a week or so. Jihyo and I wanted to let you all know first and foremost before anyone else. It’s all so new so we wanted to keep it ours for now, I hope that’s alright with you all.” Jeongyeon answers for both of them, the question having been tackled in their discussion the night before.

“I hope you both know this means our teasing’s just gonna get worse.” Nayeon smirks, her eyes narrowing as if being challenged of her own capabilities.

“Oh we know, and we’re ready.” Jihyo challenges back.

“Thank you for being open and honest with us,” Mina speaks up, saying the words the others had in mind but hadn’t mentioned out loud yet. “We know it probably wasn’t easy especially since it hasn’t even been a full day since it all happened, but thank you for keeping us in mind and immediately planning around the logistics to make sure not just Twice is safe, but also you both.”

The couple nods at her, Jeongyeon dotting away an unexpected tear from one of her eyes at how loved they both are.

Despite everything, she’s here, surrounded by her best friends-turned-found-family, and her now-girlfriend.

She’s allowed herself to want this, to claim this for her own. 

Maybe one day she’ll allow herself the comfort she seeks without having to be found first.

.

.

.

.

.

 

 

+1

This is it.

Opening day of their movie.

The finale of their 10-year anniversary gift for themselves and the world.

Jihyo wakes up to an absence from her bed.

It’s been a little over a year since their not-so-drunken kiss and confessions, and a little under 4 months since she and Jeongyeon decided to live together, Jeongyeon moving into the spare bedroom 2 weeks before they were set to start their This Is For world tour.

Jihyo had put up a fuss, then, questioning her girlfriend why she needed to settle into a different room rather than share Jihyo’s own, to which Jeongyeon had replied with a valid reason.

“So we don't get sick of each other. We work together and live together, the least we could do is have separate rooms for when we need alone time every now and then. I wouldn't want to get sick of my beautiful girlfriend.” Jeongyeon had kissed her afterwards, smiling into it the way Jihyo absolutely adores.

“Plus, having sleepovers in each other’s rooms sounds fun.”

Jihyo chuckles at the memory, she was so right.

She lets herself wake up fully, sitting up in her bed and moving to properly lean on her headboard, proceeding to scroll on her phone.

If she knew Jeongyeon, and lord knows she does, the other was making them breakfast in bed.

A morning tradition whenever they spent the night together with a loose schedule the next day.

True to her expectation, the door opens a little under five minutes later, revealing her very pretty girlfriend still with a messy bedhead that was just beginning to calm down, and their bed-tray in her hands.

Jihyo stretches out a greeting, letting go of her phone as she grins, the tray’s legs opening and being set down in front of her.

Jeongyeon chuckles, letting go of the now-set tray and moving to give Jihyo a loving embrace, “Good morning, aein.”

“Mmm, good morning jagiya.” Jihyo holds her tightly, letting go just enough to ask for a kiss, Jeongyeon indulging in her request.

“Now sit,” Jihyo pats the empty space next to her, to which Jeongyeon obliges almost immediately, carefully moving to rest against the headboard and wrap an arm around Jihyo’s shoulder as the other leans into her shoulder.

Silence falls on the couple for a few moments, just breathing in each others’ presence in the morning atmosphere, nothing heard but their content breathing.

“You gotta eat before it gets cold.” Jeongyeon half-scolds, nothing serious, as she breaks their tranquil moment, sitting up properly and pulling Jihyo along with her.

She grabs a fork, feeding Jihyo a piece of one of the scallion pancakes she had made.

This was their normal.

Their solitude.

Their little bubble of peace in a world that keeps ushering them from one activity to another.

Their morning routine goes on as normal, with slower movements and more wandering touches as they had time to kill, not being needed at the company for another three hours or so to get them properly ready for opening night of their documentary.

When the time had come for them both to get ready, the reality of it all sinks in.

The movie.

The raw emotions that went into making it.

Their fans’ potential reactions.

It rattles Jeongyeon to her core, choosing to ignore it by smothering herself in a hot shower.

None of the girls had seen the film, despite countless offers by their company to book their own cinema to watch it on their own. They all unanimously agreed to watch it alongside fans, choosing to keep whatever they had said about each other quiet; wanting to provide a truly blind experience for all of them.

A fitting pact for their 10th anniversary.

Jeongyeon would be lying if she said she wasn’t nervous thinking of all the things her friends have said about her - fully knowing her segment of the documentary was probably the heaviest in terms of emotional content - if Jihyo’s little hints over the months weren’t enough to wriggle their way into her mind.

She steps out of the shower and goes through the motions of dressing up to head to the company, receiving a text from her manager that a van was now on its way to pick them up.

Without her consent, much like everything that happens in her brain, she stands there unmoving; her mind flooding her with scenarios of their fans potentially seeing her as lesser after seeing her segment of their film.

Of disappointment.

Of shame.

Jihyo knocks on her door 20 minutes later, opening it momentarily and checking to see if her girlfriend was now as ready as she was.

“Ready?” She had asked, stepping into the space and finding her lover fully dressed on the floor, back leaned against her bed, breathing ever so slightly heavily.

Jeongyeon looks up at her, eyes red with tears that have yet to fall, and lets go of her legs that have found themselves tight against her chest.

Jihyo immediately moves around the room and makes her way towards the other, noticing the telltale signs of an anxiety attack about to hit her girlfriend and how she was here, on the floor, asking for Jihyo’s touch.

Albeit nonverbally, it was more than enough to get Jihyo moving.

She lands on the floor, knees bumping into Jeongyeon’s thigh as she wraps the other in her embrace.

Throughout their entire relationship thus far, Jihyo had picked up on certain things that Jeongyeon needed during an anxiety attack depending on how severe they were - alongside their conversations surrounding the topic and how they move to tackle it as a couple. 

One of the biggest things - Jihyo had found out for herself - was that Jeongyeon tended to sink to the floor if the space permitted her to do so, seeking the comfort and stability of the hard surface, followed by a communicated need for physical affection to ground her back to reality.

It was still far from Jeongyeon’s own personal goal of just being able to approach Jihyo whenever she felt an attack coming on, but it was already such a huge step for her to open up about what she needed during moments like these, and Jihyo couldn’t be any prouder of the development regardless.

After about 10 minutes, Jihyo breaks the silence, “What’s in your head, Jeongie?”

A pause.

“Would people think of me differently after today?” She croaks, pulling her head out of Jihyo’s shoulder to look her in the eyes, brows furrowed with apprehension.

Oh.

“Oh, jagiya.” Jihyo reaches forward to kiss Jeongyeon’s hands, kissing each palm and thumb, “I won’t lie and say no, they probably will. But that’s only because your segment . . . is rough. Talks about a lot of things you went through and the headspace you were in throughout it all. If anything, I think they’ll cry with you because now they’ll finally get to see how strong you are for surviving the darkest two years of your life. I know I did.”

Jeongyeon breaks out into a chuckle, then, a mix of annoyance, “Thank you,” is all she chooses to say.

The younger nods, kissing the other’s forehead, “Feeling better?”

“Yeah, I just needed you to say out loud the things I was already thinking, just needed to hear it from someone else and not just my own head.”

“Well then I’m glad we’re on the same page and I was able to figure out what you needed to hear.” Jihyo smiles, standing up and offering a hand to help her girlfriend up, “C’mon then, or we’re going to get a strongly worded voice message from Nayeon-unnie if we’re late.”

The other takes her hand, jumping up and sneaking a kiss onto Jihyo’s lips, “You always know just what I need, aein. It’s one of the things I love about you.”

Jihyo rolls her eyes at this, just happy to have calmed her lover back down enough to get her being cheesy again, “No more of that, the van’s just pulled into the parking floor.”

“Okay.” Jeongyeon smiles, bright and toothy, as she gets dragged out of their home.

The couple arrives at their designated hair and makeup studio at the company 20 minutes later, much to Nayeon and Momo’s discontent at being unable to tease them for being late as they were still three members short of being complete after Jihyo and Jeongyeon had walked into the room.

“We thought you’d be late.” Momo jokes from her seat in front of the mirror, her makeup artist scolding her for smiling while she was doing her job.

“Us? Late? Pshh, never.” Jihyo scoffs, being called by her makeup artist to begin her preparations.

It takes an hour and a half to get the entirety of Twice fully ready and styled for their big event.

It takes another 15 minutes for them to be driven from the JYP Entertainment building to the theatre they had reserved seats for, choosing seats in the far last row so as not to take attention away from their fans also watching the documentary alongside them and their staff, giving all parties involved a nice experience for this very special movie.

They arrive with much reception from fans and fansites alike, cameras flashing in their faces from the moment they exit the vans, to walking the carpet, to sitting in their seats.

The fans begin to take their seats five minutes after Twice themselves have settled in, each fan being startled at the sight of all nine members sitting in the back row, their staff and security being seated in the rows beside and in front of them for extra measures; unaware that the group would be watching with them rather than having their own private theatre showing.

Jeongyeon’s heartbeat gets increasingly quicker as the wait towards the movie gets shorter and shorter, looking all over the theatre at their fans filling up more and more seats.

Each minute felt like an hour.

And it wasn’t just Jeongyeon feeling the nerves; all the girls felt progressively antsy in the build up towards show time.

When the lights finally switched off and the previews began to roll, Jeongyeon took the opportunity to raise the arm of her seat and scooch closer to Jihyo; not enough to be obvious, but enough to quell the tension in her chest, hitching her ankle around Jihyo’s own.

The movie goes on as planned, with Sana instantly crying the moment it began as the realisation of it being exactly 10 years since their debut hits her hard.

The theatre is silent, no sound emitting from anything or anyone aside from the movie on the big screen.

“It’s been so long since we clapped like this, since SIXTEEN.” 

A montage of them winning music shows plays, from their first daesang to their billboard awards; the prestige and reputation they’ve garnered not just from their home country, but also overseas following immediately after.

An hour into the movie, Jihyo’s segment appears; talking about her solo venture and how that all made her feel as well as being the leader and ‘main’ face of Twice.

“During contract renewal, I’m sure it was hard on everyone, but Jihyo-unnie must’ve had it the hardest. Because she had to gather all our opinions, communicate with the agency, and talk with the members.” Chaeyoung had spoken up, it was that part of the evening where they began speaking on heavier topics under the light influence of alcohol.

“Since it was our first renewal, we really didn’t know what was right and there weren’t many people around to ask.” Sana had chimed in on the conversation, Nayeon following suit with praise towards Jihyo.

“A leader who loves our team and has more affection, more passion, and the will to work hard . . . that’s someone you end up following.”

“I don’t think I would’ve been able to do 10 years without Jihyo. Because we have Jihyo, we have everything.” Mina declares, the whole circle cooing at her and each other.

Jihyo had cried, then . . .

. . . and here she was back in the present tearing up about it once more.

“I was one of the members who was torn about renewing. Jihyo really held onto me too.” Jeongyeon’s voice can be heard throughout the theatre.

“Back then, of course I was grateful. A friend who really changed my mind.”

Jeongyeon looks closely at her girlfriend and takes her hand, squeezing it three times.

Their way of saying a non-verbal ‘I love you.'

“I learned that good members make a good leader.” Jihyo’s own voice reverberates through the room.

Nayeon had turned towards her, taking her other hand and holding her tightly, small sniffles can be heard from around them as their other members let sink in the words Jihyo had confessed.

“When I listen now, I have a lot of regrets. But having regrets is how you do better next time,” Jihyo had said about her own solo debut, words she had only really told one other person before and had planned never to say out loud for their audience to hear.

Said person was there, right beside her, holding Jihyo’s hand in the darkness.

Said person being a large influence on her album and served as inspiration for multiple tracks neither of them were aware of at the time.

Jeongyeon had leaned into her then, now having considerably calmed down compared to when the movie had just begun, and kissed her cheek.

Risky, but Jihyo felt elated.

The movie goes on, highlighting the immense impact Twice has had on the industry, their world tours, record-breaking stadium shows, and how on top they’ve been a decade into the game.

It didn’t seem like they were ever going to slow down.

Until Mina’s hiatus.

“Mina was the first in our team to take time off.” Sana had introduced, her eyes reflecting an era that had long been passed, but its effects still palpable to this day in small sequences.

“Even before I paused, everything was really frightening. I often wondered whether I belonged in Twice or not.” Mina confessed, words careful and thought-out, despite having moved on, she still had the occasional anxiety attack here and there.

The group thought they were out of the woods once Mina had shown significant signs of improvement after a few months of her hiatus. 

That they were finally back to being whole and back to pushing out music and performances as a group of nine.

Until Jeongyeon’s hiatus.

That was the introduction to her segment, the hiatus that put the entirety of Twice into a near full stop.

Jihyo’s hold on her hand tightens, her thumb caressing the back of Jeongyeon’s as the segment goes on.

“During our world tour at the time, for the concerts in Korea, I couldn’t do them even while practicing . . . It was a very difficult time. As I missed one show, then two, then three, I felt truly sorry. I ended up not being able to do the Korean concerts.”

Jihyo raises Jeongyeon’s hand up to her lips, giving it a small kiss to reassure and ground the other.

“To be honest, I don’t remember what was happening then. I don’t remember how I lived or got through it. I don’t remember what I did.”

Jeongyeon hears sniffling around her, breaking out of her focus on the documentary to look around, only to find herself also tearing up from how vulnerable she was being. Letting herself be laid bare.

“I felt like I wasn’t myself.”

“I was extremely anxious, and it was hard. I worried I might hurt the group and lost all confidence.

Jihyo remembers those days, where Jeongyeon would give up immediately after getting one mistake during a dance practice.

Or a flat note during song rehearsals - and even during recording.

“But then the members stayed by my side, and something Nayeon-unnie especially, said something that really stuck with me: ‘The stage is filled with only people who love you anyway. No matter what you do, they’ll still like you.”

“It helped me a lot.”

Nayeon reaches over to her from across Jihyo’s other side and rubs a hand on Jeongyeon’s arm, her own eyes unmistakably teary despite the darkness hiding most of it. She had no idea her little sentence would be carried all these years later by the person who had practically no memory of the darkest two years of her life.

Jeongyeon herself hadn’t noticed her anxiety once again spiking, feeling her own bouts of self-doubt creeping back up as she heard herself through the screen.

“I think sometimes I still get scared when she looks a bit worn down. It would remind me of that time. But in front of all those people, I don’t think she would have wanted to show that side.” Sana raises up her seat’s arm and wraps her arms around Jeongyeon, knowing fans wouldn’t bat an eye at the physical affection between them specifically, simply just wanting to hug their second eldest as her own voice echoes through the theatre.

“I don’t know if I should even say this . . .” Jihyo pauses, choosing her words carefully, “I thought I might permanently lose my best friend. That’s how badly Jeongyeon struggled.”

Hearing Jihyo’s words, Jeongyeon feels her heartbeat quicken its pace; remembering one specific moment from her hiatus where she very nearly ended things in a way she couldn’t take back.

“So I wondered how I could bring her back. How to bring her back to the passionate girl she used to be. I agonised over that so much.”

She turns to her girlfriend, feeling Sana let go of her and simply opting to keep their legs touching to comfort both herself and Jeongyeon.

“You did, you brought me back.” She whispers, tears flowing down her own cheeks now.

“Jeongyeon wanted to overcome this and do it with the members. I said a lot of things that were harsh. For me, saying those words left such a scar.”

Jihyo turns to her in reciprocation, voice barely above a whisper, “I don’t care how many times you say you’ve forgiven me, I will keep moving forward trying to make it up to you.”

Jeongyeon shakes her head with a small smile, wiping a tear from Jihyo’s chin, mouthing a small ‘I love you.’

Jihyo mouths it back, not being able to resist the urge to lean in for a quick kiss, whatever happens they’ll deal with it in the future.

“The extra efforts from the members, and from all my family, friends, and staff . . . all of them tried to look out for me, and that’s why I can stand here like this now. I think that’s why I’m able to keep working well, and I mean it.”

Most of the theatre was sniffling now, little blubberings being heard from here and there.

Jeongyeon honestly couldn’t believe she still had this much impact on their fanbase, especially after everything.

“What kind of person does Jeongyeon want to be?” She had been asked by the interviewer.

“I hope many people think of me at least once a day. That’s the Jeongyeon I want to be.”

“Yoo Jeongyeon-ah, saranghae!!!” The quiet sombre moment of the scene is broken by two fans screaming, snapping everyone out of their collective trance of tears to chuckle at the tension-breakers.

The scene of the girls all moving in to hug her is shown on the screen.

Applause can be heard during it, immediately dying down as Jeongyeon’s solo rendition of Cactus begins to play.

The song Jihyo wrote for her.

Wrote about her.

So eloquently composed and carefully crafted.

Delicate.

Fragile.

And here she was, singing it with all her heart and soul, turning the theatre into a mess of tears and puffy eyes.

After the movie had finished, it was time for the girls to stand up and give a few words for their fans who had shown up to the premiere and experienced it all with them.

When it was Jeongyeon’s time to give a speech, the crowd erupted in cheers of her name, giving her and Mina praise for pushing through their hardships, and especially giving Jeongyeon the affirmation that, despite everything, she is still loved by all who knows her.

She all but bursts into tears the minute her and Jihyo close the door of their van, now heading to the restaurant they all had agreed to privately book to celebrate the release of their movie, also as a way to thank their staff for joining them and for all the work they’ve done together throughout the years.

Jeongyeon stands up from her seat, and moves to sit on Jihyo’s lap, arms instantly wrapping around the younger’s neck as she hides her face in the crook of it.

“Woah, okay, what do you need jagiya?” Jihyo looks concerned, arms instinctively coiling the other’s waist as she adjusts her seating to make sure they’re both comfortable.

“Sorry. Just need you. Just hold me. Please.” She says in ragged breaths, letting her sobs out with a little less control than she initially planned.

Jihyo nods, tightening her hold on her girlfriend as their driver understands the situation and takes them for a longer route to give them more time before having to face everyone else.

“No need to apologise, yeobo, I’ll always be here. Thank you for telling me what you needed.”

Jeongyeon sits there on Jihyo’s lap for ten whole minutes - not that Jihyo ever thought about complaining - before her breathing eventually begins to slow down.

Once she had felt more in control, she raised her head up from Jihyo’s very obviously tear-stained shirt, voice hoarse and unstable, “They still like me.”

Jihyo’s expression shifts into something softer, more fond, “Of course they do, as I keep telling you,” she chuckles lightly, “but now you got to see it with your own two eyes. You belong in Twice just as much as any of us. All your baggage and everything. Okay?”

She kisses Jeongyeon’s cheek, right where a tear had fallen.

Jeongyeon, with all the strength she can find within her after her little episode, tilts her head down, meeting Jihyo’s lips once more, “Okay.”

Back at the restaurant, the girls had all arrived, now just waiting for the couple.

In the absence of their leader, the eldest takes on the leadership role.

Nayeon is who their head manager approaches, looking alarmed with a phone in hand; the eldest taking it and reading through the article.

It started out as any other news article they had surrounding the group. A brief introduction, what they were doing, where they were, and a few photos.

However, this one in particular stood out, sending a chill down Nayeon's spine as she kept reading.

There, the photo at the very bottom of the article is the seemingly sneaky kiss Jihyo and Jeongyeon had shared in the theatre they thought nobody had noticed.

 

~  E  N  D  ~

Notes:

hey hey this idea has been Itching in my head for months since i saw the documentary back in october and it punched me in the gut so much i watched it Again a day later (this is my first work in the fandom and part of that is cuz im scared i couldnt get their characterisations right but i think i did a good job???)

anyw thanks for reading !! :D lemme know what parts got yall kickin screaming throwing up

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 1 of i got my eyes on you, you got eyes on me too