Work Text:
The Light Within
There was something calming in the bustling activity of a Christmas meal celebrated with family. Despite the hubbub, the voices, the clinking classes, the cutlery on china plates it was comforting to know to be among loved ones.
Kathryn Janeway closed her eyes and sighed happily. This was her family. This was where she belonged.
The warmth that radiated not only from the lights and candles, but also from the food and the people around her melted her heart.
She happily rubbed her swollen belly, knowing that she, too, would add to the family soon. And then her eyes sought out him at the other end of the table.
The man she loved so much. He was a part of her family now, too. And she was so excited to become a mother for him.
He beamed when he saw her looking at his direction and Kathryn knew that she had finally found her place.
Among her mother, her sister Phoebe and her husband Jay, her niece and nephew. This was where Kathryn belonged. Had always belonged.
This was home.
"Sad, Kathy?"
Her family vanished abruptly. The warmth of the farmhouse was replaced by the coldness of space.
"Leave me alone, Q," Kathryn growled. She put the book aside and sat up in her armchair, shaking the remnants of the dream from her.
She squinted to see the intruder in the darkness, but it was only Q's voice.
"Every year when it's Christmas you hole up in your quarters with a dry book," the voice observed.
"What business is that to you?" Kathryn hissed. "It's my choice how I spend the evening."
"Oh, Kathy, don't be like that," the voice said in that annoying tone that conveyed both mocking and softness. "I've seen what you really want. A homely farm, a family. A little one in your belly. But instead you're alone out here, feeling sorry for yourself."
"And even if I do? It's my prerogative!" Kathryn argued. She got up, hoping to see Q somewhere in her quarters just to punch him.
The most annoying part was that this damn trickster was right. Every year at Christmas she got a painful reminder that she had cut off her crew from their friends and family because she had decided that her values overrode the needs of the people under her command. And so, when they sought out community in the mess hall, ate together, celebrated together, Kathryn briefly visited for morale before retreating to her quarters with a book.
When Neelix had found out about the holiday of Christmas he had jumped on the occasion to celebrate it and in the weeks leading up to it he did everything to make it as authentic as possible. Which meant that it was well meant at best.
"Even your pet Talaxian gets what this is all about," Q must have read Kathryn's thoughts. "Granted, his decorations need work, but at least he tries. Whereas you…"
"Shut up!" Kathryn screamed. "Leave me alone!"
"Oh Kathy, I have left you alone for the last two years. And look where you are now."
"Closer to home, no thanks to you!"
"A fair point. But then again, you could be home, at your cozy farm, carrying as many babies as you wish, if you just had listened to me," Q pointed out.
Kathryn had to concede that he did have a point. But she would rather swallow a toad than to ever admit that to him.
"But I'm generous today. Must be the season's spirit. It's rather flattering that you humans still remember the one time I decided to experience the whole mortality thing after all."
Kathryn just groaned inwardly.
"And so I have prepared a little gift for you my dear. No, no! No need to thank me."
"I hadn't planned to," Kathryn snarked. "The best gift you could make me is to vanish where you've come from and let me spend the evening in peace."
"In that case you will probably hate my gift. Farewell Kathryn, see you next year."
And then the quarters fell silent.
Kathryn exhaled and fell back into her armchair after it seemed that Q was gone for good.
That's when the beeper on her quarters sounded.
She rolled her eyes. Her crew knew better than to disturb her. She had made herself quite clear in that regard. And yet.
"Come in," she groaned.
The doors opened and it was hard at first to make out the figure entering her quarters with the sparse illumination from the corridor.
"Merry Christmas, Kathryn," Chakotay greeted her softly.
Kathryn relaxed. From all the people deciding to seek her out now Chakotay was the least horrible option. For a moment she had feared that Neelix would have taken it upon himself to force her back to the party.
"Thank you," she said.
He came closer. "I have a little gift for you."
"You shouldn't have." And yet she got up to take it out of his hands, moved by his thoughtfulness. It was wrapped in fabric and soft. "What is it?"
"Why don't we open it together?" Chakotay suggested.
"I don't even have anything for you," Kathryn muttered with some regret.
"I didn't expect that. I just thought that you needed some company tonight. You seemed preoccupied when you left."
Observant as ever. "Maybe," she admitted. And wondered if sending Chakotay after her was Q's Christmas gift. If yes it wasn't so horrible after all.
"Computer, light 50%," Chakotay ordered so it got a bit brighter. Then they sat down together on the couch. Kathryn had put the gift on her knees and started unwrapping it.
"Since when do your people celebrate Christmas?" she asked while working herself through the ribbons.
"We don't," Chakotay replied good-naturedly. "But Christmas is more than a religious holiday. It's an idea of community and charity. Of being there for the people that need you. And that is universal, I think. In a way it's even the philosophy of the Federation. And just tonight it felt to me that you needed a bit of community, too. Because it seems to me that you're sometimes forgetting that we all not only need you, but highly respect you. You're the leader of our community, Kathryn, but you often set yourself apart because you believe you're not really a part of us."
Kathryn sighed. "Touché," she murmured. She had almost disentangled all the ribbons.
Chakotay chuckled. "I wouldn't be a good first officer and friend otherwise."
Slowly Kathryn unwrapped the bundle and when she was done it was a small fruit cake. It smelled wonderful, spicy and sweet.
"A cake?" she asked.
"I tried my hands on one when Neelix wasn't watching," Chakotay laughed. "What better way to celebrate community than by sharing food?"
"That's…" Kathryn had to swallow the lump in her throat. "That's very thoughtful. Thank you."
"So, want me to cut it?" Chakotay asked. He was already getting up to procure plates.
"Yes, please."
Moments later they shared the delicious cake Chakotay had brought. And for the first time in five years since they had been stranded in the Delta Quadrant Kathryn felt a sense of belonging during a time she had usually set herself apart.
Outside the window one of the stars was shining especially bright. And Kathryn knew that in that direction was the way home.