Chapter Text
Kylo has never been this powerful and strong. It has been three months since his first IV dose and the force was so light around him and he succeeded every mission he had. He was craving to fight, he felt good, so good
He felt no pain, didn’t even feel the blaster shot until some General mentioned it.
His head was calm, no more voices and memories. Only excitement and violence.
He found himself obeying Snoke in particular. He stopped going against orders and his master praised him so well, giving him a stronger shot. More strength.
As the weeks went on, one dose of the Force amplifier quickly became three per day.
That General where he can’t replace his name has even dared to ask if he was high sooner this day, right after he landed on the Finalizer with another successful mission.
“Ren, are you freaking high?”
“What?” Kylo mumbled. “I’m not a spice addict you fucking idiot.”
The General just rolled his eyes while Kylo walked away. How disrespectful.
Now, Kylo took another injection for the night, because of course he needed to fight all the time even if it meant to skip the sleep schedule.
Everyday was the same:
Injection because he couldn’t sleep.
Going on the bridge to receive a mission.
Injection to be ready for battle.
Doing what he was told to do.
Come back and inject because he’s tired and the effects started to fade.
But, did he really need it now? Now that he won every battle and gained so much muscles and strength in the force? Only Snoke would know.
“Oh, so you think you’re powerful?” Snoke mocked.
Kylo couldn’t help, but look at the floor. It was a dumb question and knew Snoke didn't waste his time with that.
“If I gave you the Force amplifier it’s because you need it, but you seem to forget how weak you truly are.”
Kylo winced. He tried so much to be the best and yet his master sees him as weak.
He felt a familiar pressure around his throat.
“Yeah, that’s right… Fear. Fear of not being enough. You’ll never be enough, boy.”
Kylo ended up on his knees screaming. Of rage, pain or sadness? He didn’t know he just screamed while there was enough air in his lungs.
****
Kylo walked back to his quarters by muscle memory.
You’ll never be enough, boy.
The door closed behind him. Tears filled up his eyes, his breath became quick, his head spinning and the voices were screaming.
You’re not enough.
You’re weak
Animal, uncontrolled, useless
A MISTAKE
“STOP!”
“Please stop.” Kylo managed to beg as he fell hard on the floor while hyperventilating.
He needed a dose, but his body felt so heavy but he needed one, HE NEEDS IT!
Desperate, Kylo started to crawl to his bedroom to reach his bag where all his syringes and serum were. With trembling hands and a blurry vision, he filled his syringe without knowing the quantity he took and tried to inject it in his vein. His vein wouldn’t take it. Hard beneath his skin, ruined from too many injections, his left arm, then the other, both useless. He tried again, but he felt like his whole damn arm was on fire, both of them.
They were destroyed after a whole year of injections. He’d ruined them himself. Even his body was rejecting him.
You can’t even inject yourself
You’re meant to be broken
“Why? WHY?” He said before losing it and stabbing multiple times his left arm with the needle.
Blood felt warm on his skin, his arm was on fire, he cried out as shame buried him and ended collapsing on his side, on the floor.
You’re a failure
“I’m a failure.”
You worth nothing
“I worth nothing.”
You should die
“I…” He hesitated.
“I should die.”
Kylo found no energy to find shame about his situation. He was laying on the floor, blood everywhere, consciousness slowly slipping away and his eyes had no tears left.
He felt miserable.
With some effort he looked down at the bloody needle then at the veins on his hand and injected his dose.
He needs it. For…strenght and..control.
His head started to spin before losing consciousness.
He was losing himself in the abuse, blinded by Snoke because he had something Kylo never did.
Control.