Chapter Text
It isn't that Yoongi is easy. It's not that he's weak. That's what he's telling himself.
In fact, the one thing that brings him comfort in this situation is the fact he says that he can always say no. He can stop it whenever he wants. He's having fun, he says. Nothing wrong with that. That's what Hoseok is doing too. It's fun. This is fun. There is no hidden, deeper feelings below his skin. Between either of them. It's just two boys fucking around while (most of the time) high or drunk. Just being warm bodies--or mouths-- for each other.
Oh, but isn't Hoseok so warm? so, so warm. His entire body radiates pure heat. He's like a sun, Yoongi thinks. His skin almost burns each time they're pressed up against each other, the friction could almost spark a fire. When Yoongi's rubbing himself up against Hoseoks thigh, panting like a puppy, it almost hurts, all of the heat between them.
It does hurt. Feeling the burning rays of Hoseoks body, or seeing the sunshine bursts of Hoseoks smile in any normal setting they're together and Hoseok isn't on top of him. It's like the contrast of looking at a sun in a childrens drawing, all yellow, Snoopy-styled crayon-colored in, versus staring directly into the sun and burning a hole in your own eyes. Or imagining the sun, the real sun that stands in space, bright red-orange, a flaming ball of death. And Yoongi likes all the different ways Hoseok burns. It feels nice to know the contrast, like he has a glimpse into someone no one else knows. In a twisted way, its like a one-up on anyone else who sees him, who wants him, or whos with him.
That's what keeps Yoongi going. That's what he tells himself.
Yoongi is greeted with a yellow, sunshine hug. It's a good type of warm. Hoseok always says that Yoongi must be cold blooded, and maybe that's true. But Yoongi thinks Hoseok just burns brighter than anyone else. Especially Yoongi.
It's winter break. Finals week is over. A whole month with no stress, at least academically. Not the big-this decides your future-immediate stress. Winter break stress is like, impending doom, but you can relax before it really hits the fan. It's Yoongi's favorite time of year. He enjoys the cold, (maybe because it matches his eternal temperature,) and enjoys the fact he doesn't have to think about anything related to school or work he needs to do. Besides his literal job, but that isn't stressful.
"I hope I didn't keep you waiting too long!! How long we're you out here?" Hoseok pulled away from the hug, and just gripped Yoongi's shoulders lightly. He beamed a smile at him, and Yoongi wearily matched it. In this position, with their height difference, Yoongi's stupid sun metaphor projected even further. It wasn't a big difference at all, only an inch, but with the way they carried themselves, it gave the illusion of something greater. Yoongi, with his bad posture, slight hunch back, and no projection of confidence at all, and Hoseok with his beams of pure confidence and long legs.
"Not long. I basically just got here, don't worry." Yoongi gently separated himself from Hoseok, and walked first into the coffee shop. The doorbell jingled as Yoongi walked in, then again when Hoseok opened the door Yoongi barely opened again. Despite Yoongi entering first, Hoseok approaches the barista first, and kindly orders his Americano and a sugar cookie.
"What would you like, Yoongi?" Hoseok says quick, as both him and the barista turn towards him, and Yoongi's eyes slightly grow wide.
"Ill have an Americano, too. But separate tabs, please." Yoongi waves his hands.
"No, no. It's okay. I got you." Hoseok beams at him again, and hands the waiter cash. Before Yoongi could protest and hand the barista his own money, she quickly dashes off to make their drinks.
"You don't have to do that." Yoongi firmly states, taking off his scarf and sitting down at their normal table, next to a huge, open window. He observes the tree standing outside, snow gently falling and lining the branches and concrete.
"Of course I don't. But I enjoy it. I like taking care of you." Hoseok reaches across the table and swipes at Yoongi's nose, smiling, like always, at him. Hoseok moves his fingers to Yoongi's forehead, and carefully drags a piece of his hair behind his ear. Yoongi hopelessly looks at him through his eyelashes from across the table and feels his cheeks flush.
As Hoseok pulls his hands away, the waiter approaches them with their drinks. She places each of them down on the pre-placed napkins, and sets down Hoseoks sugar cookie.
"Enjoy, you two!" She says sweetly, and walks away.
"She probably thinks we're together." Yoongi takes a sip of his drink and goes back to looking out the window, still absorbed in his head about Hoseoks touch.
"Aren't we?" Yoongi's heart skips a beat. Full halt. Until he realizes what Hoseok meant.
"No-I meant like-She probably thinks were dating." Yoongi's voice trails off at the end, looking into his cup to avoid Hoseoks gaze.
"So?" Hoseok giggles and Yoongi's eyes almost flicker shut to the sound. His heart feels lifted, and it's stupid, really. He sits on that for a moment, and Yoongi allows himself to get completely lost in the idea of Hoseok being okay with random people thinking they're together, and all the implications of it. Yoongi sits with those implications. Throughout this whole situation, Yoongi has worshipped those implications. The implication that Hoseok is fine with people thinking they're together. The implication that Hoseok would want to be seen with Yoongi that way in public. The implication of Hoseok being public.
Yoongi almost audibly sighs,
"Suga.." Yoongi's eyes snap open. He looks up to Hoseok, and he's looking at his sugar cookie.
"That's your stage name, isn't it?"
"Yeah, one of them.." Yoongi says quietly. He feels his cheeks flushing again and his throat close up and he lets himself swore into the clouds again. He remembered. Hoseok remembered one of his stupid online aliases for his stupid music. Yoongi didn't like talking about his work, even if it was his major. He was never proud of anything, never enough to show it off to people. But, with Hoseok being his best friend, as well as Hoseok being who he is, he told him the different names he posts his music under. He never played anything for him or showed him anything because he thought he might pass away from showing anyone besides a professor his music in person, but he assumed Hoseok would look it up the moment they parted ways, again, with Hoseok just being who he is. His theory was confirmed when about 45 minutes after he went home, Hoseok texted him screaming at him how amazing it was, how amazing he is, and how proud of him he is. Even recalling the memory makes his stomach feel warm again.
"Cute.." Hoseok mumbles, before taking a bite into the cookie. Yoongi thinks he's going to be sick.
The first time was over the summer. Right before school started again.
Hoseok, of course, had an apartment next to campus he let Yoongi stay in during the summer with him.
It was noon. The air conditioner was broken. Yoongi had shed just his shirt, keeping his basketball shorts, socks, and his drenched sweat headband on, while Hoseok was all naked except for his boxers. This only made all the much worse for Yoongi. He was grateful he could at least blame his bright red cheeks on the heat.
However, every possible factor just made everything worse. The fact that Hoseok spread himself across half of the couch, one foot on the coffee table, one bent and on the middle couch cushion, and one arm hanging off the back of the couch. The other, holding a bright red popsicle.
The popsicle, making his lips puffy from the cold, bright red and sticky from the sugar. The popsicle dripping, dripping, down, down down, onto Hoseoks chest. Hoseok not even noticing. Yoongi had to force his eyes away, focusing on finishing his own, blue popsicle. His eyes turn to the almost-empty pipe on the table. He takes the last hit.
"Lemme get that." Hoseok pops his lips off the popsicle and Yoongi forces himself to not look his way. As he inhales, he tries to gesture to Hoseok it's the last one some how. He lifts one finger off the popsicle to signal 'one'.
Hoseok leans up and crawls towards Yoongi. He takes his jaw with his freehand.
"Gimme." Yoongi's eyes grow impossibly wide. he blinks a few times before Hoseok pushes down on his chin with his thumb to open Yoongi's mouth. Yoongi finally understood what he meant and begins to blow the smoke into Hoseoks mouth. When he's done, Hoseok hums softly and flutters his eyes shut. but doesn't let go of his jaw.
Hoseok opens his eyes with half-lids, looking at his lips, then meeting Yoongi's eyes. and Yoongi sees a strange darkness in his eyes he's never seen before. He stares down Yoongi with a strange glint, and it makes his heart feel heavy and his stomach pool with heat. Hoseoks indecency already had him somewhat, embarrassingly, hard, and the shot-gunning just now did not help at all. But this stare, the glint in his eyes that made Yoongi feel like prey, like he was about to be devoured by Hoseok with no remains.
They stayed like this for a few seconds, before Hoseok slowly crept their faces closer together, dragging Yoongi's chin to his with his hand, and Yoongi completely stopped breathing. Their lips slowly crashed together, but not in a sweet, innocent way. This was dark and needy. But slow. Painfully slow. Like Hoseok was testing the waters, seeing how far he could go with Yoongi.
Yoongi, in the meantime, was going a million miles a minute. This was his best friend. Kissing him. His best friend that he has been hopelessly attracted to ever since first meeting him his kissing him right now. His best friend who has never been with a man in his life. This was Jung Hoseok. Hoseok was straight. No? Is he not? Do straight guys kiss their best friends? Knowing that their best friend is gay? Didn't Hoseok have a girlfriend?
Hoseoks hands were creeping up onto Yoongi's bare chest, then his back, then his shoulders, then his front again, and then he was under Hoseok. Yoongi wasn't even registering any sense of touch because all he could hear was his brain and all he could see was the back of his eyelids, too scared to open them and face his current reality, and all he could taste was artificial cherry and all he could smell was sweat and the buzz of everything around him silenced all of his nerves despite his best friend dragging his fingers all over his top side and smacking their lips together.
Yoongi only realized he still hadn't taken a breath until Hoseok pried himself off of Yoongi gently, still having his face inches from the others, and Yoongi slowly opened his eyes. and when he met Hoseoks glare, with that same predatory glint in them, he felt like a rabbit being pinned down by a fox, his eyes large, pupils completely dilated, and chest heaving. Hoseoks lips crept up to his chin, his jaw, the tip of his ear, the bridge,
"Tell me to stop." Hoseok whispered. The coldness of his breath on his ear compared to the heat of the apartment and the burning sensation of their sweat-glazed skin pressed against each other sent a shiver down Yoongi's spine. He stopped breathing again for a second, closing his mouth and eyes before coming back up for air and meeting Hoseoks eyes again. Hoseok placed kisses down his jaw as his hand dragged down his neck, shoulder, bicep, before stopping and holding Yoongi in place at his elbow. His lips went down to his neck and got rougher, harder, before he lifted up again.
"Yoongi, tell me to stop." He whispered again, louder this time, yet his voice sounded less convincing than before. He almost moaned it that time, and in response, Yoongi just whined due to the lack of contact. He heard Hoseok give a breathy laugh before going back to his neck and beginning to suck. Yoongi whined again, kicking up his knees slightly and twitching his arms. Hoseok responded by pushing him back down, this time with both hands on his forearms. He could feel the popsicle stick still in Hoseoks hand, and his breath hitched as he felt droplets drip, drip, drip down onto his arm. He looked to the side, craning his neck to see where the popsicle had dripped onto his arm. Hoseok noticed this and pulled off his neck. Yoongi breathed out hard at the lack of contact, but had to bit his bottom lip to not moan out loud when Hoseok moved the hand with the popsicle and licked off what had dripped onto Yoongi. Once he got it all, He raised up to lean back onto his hips. At this point, Hoseok was straddling Yoongi, Yoongi having his entire body flat to the couch. Yoongi Slowly looked up to Hoseok, who finished off the rest of his popsicle and tossed the stick to the side, before leaning back over Yoongi and placing his sticky, red-stained fingers onto Yoongi's bottom lip.
"Lick it off." His tone was dark and demanding, but still slightly stirred due to the both of them being high out of their minds. He had never heard Hoseok sound like this, but quickly obeyed, taking his thumb first and looking up to Hoseok for approval.
Hoseok smirked and slightly tipped his head back. "So fuckin' cute. Mm." He huffed, He rocked his hips once and the friction of Hoseoks ass through his boxers basically being on top of Yoongi's now completely hard dick through his shorts made Yoongi moan with his mouth over Hoseoks fingers, to which Hoseok responded by shoving his fingers deeper into Yoongi's mouth. And Yoongi gagged, completely off guard, and his eyes rolled to the back of his head before fluttering shut. Yoongi fully started to accept this reality now, and he never wanted it to stop. It's all he had ever wanted. It's what his teenage wet dreams were, What he would imagine when he would get off in his dorm when his roommate was away, imagining the porno in the background as Hoseok pounding into him. This is what he worshipped. What he prayed for.
"Did you like that?" Hoseok breathed as he took his fingers out of Yoongi's mouth and gripped his jaw with them instead. Yoongi quickly nodded his head and Hoseok laughed.
"Good." And Hoseok continued the rocking of his hips, to which Yoongi let out short whines of pure pleasure. Looking up to the ceiling and holding his hands above his head. Hoseok took his hand off Yoongi's jaw and took both of his wrists, pinning them to the arm of the couch above Yoongi's head. Yoongi let out a fully fledged moan to that, and Hoseok let out another breathy laugh. His voice was so much deeper than normal, and darker. This was a completely different side of Hoseok, something Yoongi never even imagined in his fantasies. And he loved it. He was so into it that he squirmed under Hoseok, begging for any more demanding pushed or verbal commands, wanting to do whatever Hoseok wanted him to until he was a puddle on the floor. Not like that was a new sentiment just because of their current arrangement, but Hoseok grunting and saying things like "Oh, yeah," and "Perfect," and "Just like that," "Stay still," "Mmngh, Yoongi.." completely melted him. His noises were relentless now, moaning and grunting and whining, cursing, wriggling, saying Hoseoks name over and over, no dignity left. Just wanting to get off the edge. He tried to meet a few of Hoseoks thrusts to try to help somehow, but Hoseok pushed down on his stomach with the hand not pinning his wrists, and said "Nu-uh." It only pushed Yoongi over the edge more.
The pace of the rocking increased, and so did Yoongi's desperation. He was a sweaty mess, begging Hoseok for release. He could barely keep himself from thrusting up or wriggling around. They were both so sweaty now, droplets were drip, drip, dripping onto Yoongi's stomach, and Hoseoks grip on his wrists was slippery. Yoongi's entire body was burning, like he was being swallowed up by the sun.
"Please, Hoseok--please--hah--I'm real-mm-I'm close--" The pace increased again and Yoongi almost growled, Hoseoks hand slipped off his wrists because of the sweat and he shot his hands up to Hoseoks shoulders, pulling him closer. They dragged across his back, not able to stay in one place at all, just rubbing across his whole back, mindlessly moving as Yoongi drove closer, closer, closer, till he couldn't even think anymore, all he could think about was Hoseok, Hoseok, Hoseok, and his own release.
"Please, Hoseok--Oh!-pleasepleaseple-" Yoongi had his eyes squeezed shut and his head was moving back and forth, he gave up trying to not wiggle and his fingernails were digging into the back of Hoseok.
"Come on, Princess." Hoseok breathed out lightly, grinding down harder and faster and Yoongi almost screamed. His entire body spasmed, and his vision blacked out. His nails dug deeper into Hoseok. He felt his legs kick back as Hoseok helped him ride it out, decreasing his pace slowly. He lived in the high of his orgasm for what felt like forever, refusing to open his eyes and face Hoseok. He quietly moaned and hummed as the waves of pleasure road out, and he eventually felt Hoseok crash into him, their sweaty skin sticking together instantly. It was extremely uncomfortable, but Yoongi didn't care. Yoongi couldn't care about anything else. Hoseok was on top of him. Hoseok just humped him. Hoseok just called him princess. Princess. He's Hoseok's Princess.
"Fuck.. Yoongi.. That was hot." Hoseok breathed. "So fucking hot..."
After awhile of them laying on top of each other, breathing heavily, Yoongi still refusing to open his eyes, Hoseok kisses the corner of Yoongi's lips, to which Yoongi tilted his head when Hoseoks lips came back down to get a full kiss. Yoongi took his hands off Hoseoks back and cupped his face, pressing more kisses into his lips, still not opening his eyes. Yoongi pushed both of them up and took his legs out from under Hoseok. Both of them on their knees now, Hoseok took his hands to Yoongi's waist, pressing more passion into their kisses. Yoongi put his hands in the space between both of Hoseoks arms and his torso, and slowly crawled them both to the other edge of the couch, Hoseok guiding Yoongi along as well by his hips. When Hoseoks back collided with the other couch arm, Yoongi brought his arms all over his chest, tracing his pecs, abs, sides, and making it up to his biceps, triceps, forearms. He was all so strong, which Yoongi already knew, of course, since Hoseok's an extremely skilled dancer, training since diapers.
When they finally take a step back to breathe, Yoongi crashed his head into Hoseoks shoulder. He wants to rub his face all over it, all over Hoseoks whole body. He want's to kiss every inch of his body, claim every cell, wants Hoseok to do the same, because Yoongi thinks this is a confession.
It's funny, looking back now. It's hilarious. Absolutely hysterical that Yoongi thought that was ever a possibility.
"God damn, dude..." Hoseok lets out between heaved breathes. His normal voice is back now, though its rough. "You got so worked up over just some humping. Can't even imagine if we actually fucked..." Hoseok traces a finger along Yoongi's entire side, and Yoongi stays rigidly still.
"Hold on, let me get something to clean us up." Hoseok gently wiggles out of Yoongi's limbs and stumbles out of the living room. Yoongi hears him curse faintly as he walks off. Yoongi's head is pressed into the couch arm, and his arms dangle off of the edge. He's still in a cloudy headspace, somehow missing Hoseoks heat even though his body already feels feverish. He still has his eyes closed, not wanting to leave this moment for anything. But still. He feels his heart sink out of his body and shatter into the couch.
"Can't even imagine.."
"Imagine if we actually fucked..."
"Imagine..."
"If.. If.. If. If..........."
Implications.
Yoongi worshipped those.
Long after their coffee 'date', (Hoseok refers to it as such, which makes Yoongi want to throw up every butterfly fluttering in his stomach,) he gets a text from the man himself, inviting him to a party that night.
It's hosted by Park Jimin, a mutual friend of theirs, introduced to Yoongi by Hoseok. He's a dance major, just like Hoseok, and a beautiful one at that. Hoseok and him typically do dances together, or at least practice together, so they've become close. When Yoongi comes to the recitals, Jimin catches his eye almost as much as Hoseok does. They would be a really good power couple, Yoongi thinks. And then that thought makes him want to vomit every thing he's ever put in his stomach, as well as his stomach, as well as all of his organs.
"Our friends will all be there!" Hoseok said.
"Maybe a few people you don't know, but that just means new friends!" Hoseok said. Yoongi just gets all the the more sicker.
Yoongi, of course, goes to the party anyway. Because Hoseok asked him to.
When he arrives, it was more like a few of his friends were there, and everyone else was a stranger. Not the other way around. Not the way Hoseok described it.
"I only lied to get you out!" Hoseok laughed, hitting him on the back. Yoongi wants to hear that he lied. The only thing he hears is that Hoseok wanted him out, that Hoseok wanted to see him.
For the whole night, Yoongi followed Hoseok around like a lost puppy. He greeted the people he recognized, but he never separated from Hoseok to have a conversation. He was slightly buzzed at this point, slowly sipping on the solo cup he was handed when he walked in, but he could tell that Hoseok was getting drunk. He would take every shot he was offered, played beer pong, and eventually, told Yoongi to come with him into the kitchen to make his own cocktail.
Yoongi allowed himself to be dragged off into Jimin's kitchen, nobody else was in there. It wasn't a closed off area, there was an open arch to enter, and he could still hear the music from the main area of the house, but everything was dulled. He followed Hoseok to the main island, where a display of different juices, toppings, and liquor was sprawled out. Hoseok got right to work. He reached up to one of the glass cabinets and grabbed an old fashioned cup, placing it down in the center. He began to observe the different liquor options while Yoongi leaned awkwardly on the other counter, still sipping from his solo cup.
Hoseok eventually picked up the dark rum, pouring a generous amount into the glass, before putting it down and replacing it with the lime juice.
"Yoongi, cut up this lime for me?" Hoseok offered him a lime from the bowl sitting on the island. Yoongi set his cup down and took it from Hoseok, grabbing one of the knives out of the block across from him, and sliced it into forths.
"Why do you need lime if you already have lime juice?" Yoongi mentioned quietly, holding out one of the slices to Hoseok.
"Hm, I don't know. I guess you're right." Hoseok takes the slice anyway, but doesn't hook it onto the rim of the cup. He steps closer to Yoongi. Yoongi steps back into the counter and grips the edge of it.
"Do you want it?" Hoseok holds up the lime to Yoongi's lips with two fingers. Yoongi looks up at Hoseok. That dark glint in his eyes is all too familiar now. He feels his stomach twist and churn.
"Can't let it go to waste." Hoseok says again, pressing the slice onto Yoongi's bottom lip. Some of the juice leaked into Yoongi's mouth, and the sourness seeps into his taste buds, making him flinch. Yoongi sticks his tongue out to lick off the rest of the leaking juice, before taking the rest of the lime and sucking out the rest. It's so bitter it makes Yoongi scrunch up his nose, but he swallows down all of it, and looks back up at Hoseok. He's smirking, still dark.
The main lights in the kitchen were off, and it was dark outside. The only thing illuminating the room was a sun lamp from the hallway outside, light leaking in through the arch and illuminating a streak of Hoseoks face, the warm orange light painting his face even darker than his expression is.
"Yeah, there you go." Hoseok places his other hand on Yoongi's hip and rubs the peel of the lime across Yoongi's lips before discarding it to the side. Without letting go of Yoongi, Hoseok reaches behind himself with his now lime-free hand and grabs 2 cherries connected at the stem from the jar. He hooks one onto Yoongi's lip, and the other cherry to his. As they both pick them off with their lips, Hoseok leans in further. Both of his hands fall onto Yoongi's hips as their lips meet, but only for a second, before Hoseok's lips right back away. Yoongi sighs softly.
"Good. 'Don't want you to taste sour." Hoseoks words are slightly slurring together, and that's when Yoongi realizes how drunk Hoseok actually is. Hoseok turns around again, letting go of Yoongi as he walks to the counter and finishes off his drink. Yoongi stays at his post, gripping the counter. He watches Hoseok with wide eyes. Yoongi feels that same sensation he felt the first night, a somewhat primal feeling. He's being circled by an apex predator with nowhere to go. Nowhere to run. All he can do is watch with wide eyes and feel his nose twitch.
Hoseok circles around the island and meets Yoongi again. He takes a quick glance towards the arch that opens to the kitchen, and locks back in on Yoongi. He takes his shoulders and begins to push him down. It takes a second to realize what he wants. As Yoongi goes down to his knees, he keeps eye contact with Hoseok. Hoseok follows him with his head. When Yoongi reaches his knees, Hoseok starts to unzip his jeans. Yoongi looks down shyly till he feels Hoseok tug at his hair, forcing him to look up. The sudden jerk of his head brings a sting to his eyes, but he blinks the tears away and looks up at Hoseok.
"You want it, don't you?" Hoseok says, slightly tilting his head to the side.
Yoongi knows that he can say no.
Yoongi knows that he's strong enough for that.
But he does. He does want it. He wants Hoseok.
He takes Hoseok in his hands and starts slow, licking up from the base all the way up to the tip, before taking all of it again. Until he's pulled off from another tug on his hair.
"Nu-Uh. No teasing today, princess. Just get me off." Hoseok loosens his grip, and runs his fingers through Yoongi's hair before placing the hand on the counter behind Yoongi.
Yoongi nods in understanding and gets straight to work.
Yoongi has lost count at this point, how many times they've done this together. All he knows is that he doesn't want this to stop. Yoongi knows that this is the closets thing he will ever get to Hoseok wanting him as much as Yoongi does wants Hoseok. Once it's over, they never mention it to each other. It's never brought up, not even implicated in any conversation they have. It's like a separate face they put on. Something always meant to be behind closed doors.
And Yoongi can be content with that. As long as it still exists to him. As long as he knows that Hoseok wants him in that way, he doesn't need Hoseok's publicity. Or a title. Love that exists privately still exists.
But this isn't love, Yoongi reminds himself. And he's okay with that.
Yoongi can be content with lust.
The implication of what that lust means is enough for him. Lust is meant to be private, anyway.
Hoseoks hands come back into Yoongi's hair, and the beautiful sounds Hoseoks making get more frequent.
"Mmm-Take it all-princess--" Hoseok breathes out quickly, and tightens his grip on Yoongi even more. He hollows out his cheeks and tries to take as much as he can, and only a little drips onto the side of his mouth. Hoseok raises Yoongi up gently by his hair.
Hoseok swipes his finger across the cum that leaked out Yoongi mouth. Yoongi makes a big show of swallowing down, and Hoseok smiles. He cups Yoongi's face with one hand, and dips his wet finger into Yoongi's mouth. Yoongi laps the rest of it off like a puppy, and looks up to Hoseok for approval.
Hoseok smirks down on him. He takes his finger out of Yoongi's mouth and runs it along Yoongi's jaw. Yoongi shivers and looks down to the floor. Hoseok presses a kiss to Yoongi's cheek bone and raises up to the tip of Yoongi's ear.
"Good job. Walk out a few minutes after me." Hoseok separates from Yoongi and doesn't look back.
Yoongi sinks into the floor. He wishes he was drunker than he was.