with a flap of a butterfly's wings

by justoneinmany

Summary:

11 ways You Huo and Qin Jiu never kissed.

Notes:

sometimes a girl stays up all night and this comes into existence in her docs.

1. A childhood

     The sun in the boy’s hair made it glow auburn instead of chestnut, his eyes pumice instead of pebble, and before You Huo knew what he was doing, his lips found a soft cheek to rest on. Right next to the pink band-aid from a fight too dumb to mention between them, before they had realized they could touch without blood.

2. Hidden under covers

     He kisses You Huo quiet, hearing the creeping footsteps outside his door. There are muffled chuckles and his mother is clearly tipsy, clattering into the walls of the hallway as his father softly whispers to be quiet, the boys must be asleep by now, together in that room. Asleep, asleep, together, together.

3. Telling secrets

     “I’m scared of the dark.” “Aw, that’s not too bad. I’m kind of scared of fire, y’know? I know it’s dumb for a fifth grader, especially with all those pranks I’ve done using it.” “It’s not dumb.” “Hahaha, thanks. Your fear isn’t, either. If you thought that. Not that you should! Man, all these months and I’m still putting my foot in my mou—oh!” “Mm.” “...I’m a bit scared of that just now, too.” “Too much?” “No, too little. I think I’ll never have enough.”

4. Apologizing

     All the silly arguments that had led to Qin Jiu going out for a smoke at midnight and not coming back inside even when the rain started, stomped heavy footsteps in You Huo’s brain as he ran out. Still in his slippers, his students would be gobsmacked to see their quiet professor in such disarray as he rounded a corner to see a softly snoozing Qin Jiu crouched, cigarette long burnt out and eyes scrunched up even in dreams. Those eyelids awaken to raindrops and soft lips kissing them.

5. Apologizing, again

     You could have told him to come back. You could have told him to come back. You knew he would be forced out of the exams. You knew he would never have remembered, anyways. You could have apologized for the secrets and the lies and the plans and the love you could never give him fully, not without leaving your heart too vulnerable to breaking. You could have kissed him without a lie to accompany it. But you didn’t. What did you protect, you bastard, it’s all broken under his feet as he walks past you without looking back. He’ll never know.

6. In public

     She’s just trying to get some good photos of the city plaza as she walks around, her first time travelling, her first time being on her own. She’s so new to being lonely, it makes the world feel big. She’s not sure how she feels about it, yet. In her camera lens, two men catch her eye, walking side by side with groceries in their arms. They’re beautiful, but it’s the way they keep drifting apart and closer over and over that makes her notice them. The way the cheerful one leans in to whisper in the other’s ear and—she moves her camera away quickly. Loneliness would’ve been exciting as the trapped teenager she was, it feels a bit like death right now. One day, she’ll find that as well.

7. Drunk

     It’s his first time drinking, roped into with his older college roommate and his friend. If some of that sway came from the other man’s sparkling grin, there’s nobody to tell. The gin doesn’t even burn down his throat, mixed with some cheap soda, as their “shots” fill up in mismatched cups. It’s just the two of them now, talking about a billion things he’s never told anyone, his head lolling even while his mind remains clear. He’s not drunk. He wants to be drunk enough to kiss that story off Qin Jiu’s lips. He wakes up the next morning and touches his mouth, it stings a bit.

8. In a hospital bed

     Age comes for everyone, Qin Jiu supposes. Even them, especially them, a life hard won and hard fought for. Years and years of making their bodies weapons and then shields. The system was an enemy that took decades to defeat, their memories a patchwork with fraying threads. He feels a tight, weathered hand holding his own, and tries to clench back. His body is limp. He leaves a kiss the other man will never feel and

9. Over a phone call

     “How many more weeks until you’re home, dear?” “Hopefully, three. This mission has been irritating.” “From you, that means it’s been hell. Poor A, me and Chu Yue will drink on your behalf.” “Is that supposed to be comforting?” “No, but this is.” A rustle. “What was that?” “A kiss!” “It sounded like static.” “Should I do it again? I can hear the smile in your voice.” “Do what you want.” A rustle. The call ends.

10. Crying

     It smells like blood and smoke, and Qin Jiu can barely keep his eyes open, but he wants to, he wants to remember this. He trembles as he moves his scarf to hopefully hide the wounds on his chest. In his vision that’s whiting out at the edges, it’s hard to make out much beyond You Huo’s figure, which looks uninjured. He wants to see his dear’s face, and his wish is granted when he says something which makes You Huo kneel in front of him. Without daring to look until his work is done, he completes his last task first, bequeathing his last gift. Breathing hard, the blood rushing in his ears, You Huo’s face is finally clear up so close. Qin Jiu wants to scream. You Huo’s eyes are a quarter open, the honey barely visible due to all the blood leaking out. Like tears, like the crying angels Qin Jiu could never dare pray to. He’s crying now too, You Huo a weight against him that feels too sacred to touch, too bloody to leave behind, to beloved to not kiss in desperation, not like this, not like this, not like this

          THE EKG IS SCREAMING AND THE DEFILLIBRATOR SHAKES AND THE SCALPELS TEAR UP.

               there is a body on the hospital bed and eyes that will never leave it there is another body on another hospital bed that will not know how to miss the eyes that would follow his back

                    Qin Jiu dreams of all the things that never happened before he wakes—

11. Happy