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"I still don't see why we have to do this, J'onn,' Ted sighed, his slightly crooked paper hat matching his mood. 'Or why you invited...' He inclined his head to the ominous figure standing in the shadows on the far side of the New York embassy's meeting room.
'and I still don't see how he's doing that,' Booster added, adjusting his own suitably festive hat. 'The rest of the room is lit just fine, all the lights are on-- is he bringing his own shadow with him?'
'Everyone brings their own shadow with them, genius,' Ted said. 'That's how shadows work.'
'Batman was invited because he's a part of this team,' J'onn replied. He'd gotten tired of reminding his teammates of this fact as of late. 'Human traditions such as this make for good team-building.'
'And this team needs all the building it can get,' Batman scowled. It wasn't easy to scowl when faced with the full might of the Martian Manhunter in a cheap Santa outfit, but he'd gotten accustomed to absurdity around the embassy. Another reason to avoid the place. Although, he considered, if it could maybe get everyone to work as a team for a change...
'Well is it too late to uninvite him?' Guy Gardner grunted, from the far side of the room, his oversized boots resting on the conference room table. Batman took no small amount of pride in just how much distance the Lantern had seen fit to keep between them. Maybe if I go over there, he thought, Guy will leave the room... Although he'd still be on the team. Still, small mercies.
'So by my count,' J'onn said, 'we're just waiting on three more. Beatriz, Tora, and--'
'Y'know, Beatriz da Costa said, striding into the room, 'it's rude to talk about a woman behind her back.'
'If I see one I'll let her know,' Guy retorted. His withering gaze melted as Tora followed Bea into the meeting room.
'We were just getting dressed,' she beamed. She was the kind of girl who beamed about things: another reason Guy liked her.
Booster looked the pair up and down. (Booster being Booster, mostly up.) 'Well what went wrong?' He asked. 'Looks like you gave up half way through.'
'Unlike some people I could mention, I'm at least dressed for the occasion.'
'I'm wearing green, ain't I?' Guy protested. 'Green's a festive colour!'
'You always wear green,' Ted replied. 'At least the rest of us got dressed up.'
'Except Batman,' Booster added.
'Except Batman,' Ted agreed. 'Festive bat-suit at the dry cleaners, I take it?'
'I think I've a third elf costume somewhere,' Bea smirked, 'although I don't think it's in your size, Bats.'
‘We could string some tinsel on him,’ Booster offered.
‘Hang some baubles from his little bat ears,’ Ted added.
'Can we hurry this up?' Scott Free asked, speaking up for the first time in a while. 'I've dinner with Barda and Oberon in an hour.'
'Hey, c'mon,' Guy said, standing up. He paced over to Scott, took a seat beside him, put his feet up on the table once more, and wrapped a conspiratorial arm around Scott’s shoulders. 'Cancel your dinner plans and we can hit the town, meet some girls. What your wife doesn't know can't hurt you.'
'Maybe not,' Scott said, 'but Barda can definitely hurt you. And if I'm so much as a minute late for dinner, I'm telling her it's your fault.'
Guy was suddenly very, very quiet. He swallowed. ‘Give her my regards.’
'So,' Tora said, ignoring the chilly atmosphere between her colleagues, 'are we doing presents first, or...?'
'Let's just get this farce over with,' Batman sighed. 'I still don't see why Maxwell Lord got out of this but I didn't.'
'Max took L-Ron to the Maldives with him for Christmas,' Booster said. 'A shame, really-- I've had to get my own egg nog all week.'
'And I was in Gotham.'
'And now you're here,' Bea said. 'Just like the rest of us, Bats, you're here because you've nowhere better to be on Christmas eve.'
'I'm here because my dinner reservation isn't until eight,' Scott objected.
'I'm here because Kilowog decided to celebrate with those losers over in Europe,' Guy said. 'Me and scott here--' He gestured beside him and realised that Scott was no longer standing there: for a brief moment he wondered who, exactly, his arm had been around for the past minute or so. ‘I got better places to be later.’
'I...' Batman started. What was the alternative? Dinner with Alfred, like every night? Dick was busy with the Titans, and Kate with... whatever woman she was seeing right now. He hadn't been keeping track. Besides, the last time he’d joined the Kanes for christmas dinner had been unspeakably awkward: Kate had showed up with one of his exes. 'I had other options,' he lied. 'But this is some important team building.'
'And it's Christmas!' Ted said. 'Lighten up, bats!'
'Is he even capable of lightening up?' Booster asked. 'I mean, I'm pretty sure sometime when he was a kid, the wind changed and his face really did get stuck like that.'
J'onn resisted the urge to scream. All this will be over soon, he reminded himself, and there's fresh box of double stuffs in my room.
'Here, allow me,' Bea said, taking the bag of presents from J'onn. 'Let your helpers take care of this one.'
'First up is... Ted!' Tora announced, pulling the first gift from the bag and checking the tag. She handed it over and Ted eagerly tore into the packaging, then frowned. 'A year's subscription to the Richard Simmons Tape of the Month Club?' He gave his stomach a self-conscious glance.
'We agreed on a fifty dollar limit!' Booster exclaimed. 'That's easily a hundred, even with the offer!' Noticing everyone's expressions, he added, 'I watch a lot of late-night TV.'
'Wow, someone must really care about you to go over the spending limit by that much!' Tora beamed. 'Next up... Scott?'
Scott reached across the table and took his gift. 'It's a little refreshing sometimes to open something that's actually easy.'
'I think that realtor Bea went to dinner with last week said the same thing,' Ted said, and then yelped as she set fire to his novelty paper hat.
'I...' Scott said, ignoring them and examining the package's contents. 'I'm not sure this sweater is really my style.'
'Well we could always tie the arms together behind the back,' Booster offered.
'Try it on!' Bea insisted.
Taking off the ugly sweater he'd worn for the occasion, Scott pulled the new one over his head and examined his reflection in the window. 'Oh, I take that back,' he realised. ‘I could get used to this.’
‘Say the word and we can get you a whole new wardrobe,’ Bea offered.
'It really suits you,' J'onn agreed. 'And it was probably in-budget, too.'
'Guy, you're next!' Tora beamed, handing him a smaller gift than the others had recieved. He opened it and glared at the room. ‘This has gotta be a joke, right?’
‘What is it?’ Tora asked.
'Two, three, four... Five thousand Kooey Kooey Kooeyan dollars?!'
'You wouldn't believe how far that goes these days,' Booster said.
'Wait,' Bea frowned. 'That's about... fifty cents, right? They've been having issues with inflation ever since someone, who will remain nameless--' she glared at Booster-- 'tried and failed to open a casino.'
'I never said it was a lot,' he said, raising his hands defensively, 'only that you wouldn't believe how far it goes these days.'
'What about the rest of the money?!' Guy yelled, slamming a fist on the table. 'If one of you bozos short-changed me...'
'Maybe whoever pulled you recently went bankrupt,' Ted replied, with a shrug. 'Y'know, hypothetically.'
Guy chuckled. 'Right, yeah. Remindin' me o' that is a gift in and of itself! Priceless!'
'At least it's better than workout tapes,' Ted grumbled.
'Hey, you could stand to lose a few pounds, blue. Maybe whoever drew your name is just tryin' to help!'
'Next up,' Bea said forcefully, offering the bag to Tora.
'J'onn!' Tora announced, handing the smallest package thus far to the ordinarily imposing figure of the Martian Manhunter, who presently had a fake beard and a real headache. He opened it to reveal three sheets of paper.
'A... Heartfelt letter?' He opined, scanning the pages. 'Also a little under budget--'
'Some of us are broke,' Bea threatened--
'--But if you'd let me finish, this is... actually just what I needed.'
Tora smiled at him. 'There's also a few coupons for half price oreo thins at Wayne's Club. I’ve been saving them for you.’
'Bea, you're next!' Tora said gleefully, handing her partner the next gift: the largest so far. 'Wow, this one is heavy.'
Setting down the bag of presents, Beatriz tore the wrapping off hers. 'A... brand new WayneTech laptop?!'
'Definitely over fifty bucks,' Guy remarked.
'I got it for free,' Batman said. Noticing everyone's puzzled expressions, he added, 'I... saved Bruce Wayne from a man-eating plant a couple of years ago, so he's been sending me holiday gifts ever since.'
'Oh right,' Bea said, 'the whole Poison Ivy business with the hostages. Hey, next time you see Bruce, could you ask him if he knows what she uses in her hair? It always looks so soft.'
'So does the batcave have a mailing address now?' Booster asked. 'Must be handy for when someone kidnaps Robin. I mean, where else are they supposed to send the ransom note?'
'They could always tape it to the bat-signal,' Ted offered.
'Yeah, but it's hard for a super-criminal to get there. It's on top of a police station.'
'A police station in Gotham,' Ted reminded him. 'I hear they just installed revolving cell doors in the high-security wing over at Arkham. Saves a whole lot of time. The Joker probably has his own private elevator up to the bat-signal by now.'
'Just hand out the next damn gift,' Batman scowled.
'Next up is me,' Tora said, sitting down beside Guy. 'Oh, it's heavy...'
The wrapping fell away to reveal a wooden box covered in floral patterns.
'A rosemaled jewelry box?'
'I... know how it feels, living so far from home,' Booster said. 'So I-- so whoever drew your name asked Dmitri to pick you up a little piece of it to keep with you the last time he passed over Norway.'
Setting the box aside, Tora practically launched out of her chair and pulled Booster into a hug. 'Aww, but this is my home! All my friends are here!'
'And Batman,' Ted added.
'I consider him a friend, too,' Tora said.
'Bats has no friends,' Guy smirked.
'A little harsh,' Bea said.
'If he had friends, he'd be with them right now and not here.'
'Justice doesn't take the holidays off, Batman said, taking a menacing step towards Guy. 'I knew that agreeing to this was a mistake.'
'Here, hold the bag for a moment,' Bea said to Tora, digging through it. 'If you want to leave, you're getting your present first... ah, here it is.'
She offered the gift to empty space: Batman had already disappeared.
'I don't know how he does it,' Booster said. 'He didn't even open the door!'
'I swear, I was looking right at him,' Scott said. 'He's gonna have to teach me that one sometime.'
'Let's just... set that aside for him,' J'onn said.
'We could always mail it to the batcave,' Ted offered.
Booster nodded in agreement. Or tape it to the bat-signal.'
'Booster, you're next!' Tora smiled, handing over a small square package. The wrapping fell away to reveal a garish cardboard box with an image of a spray gun on its side.
'A Mister Miracle Miracle Mister?' Booster asked, puzzled.
'Oh, no, I just used the box from one,' Scott said. 'Open it, open it!'
'Okay, you're gonna have to explain this one to me.' Booster poured a number of loose electronic components out onto the table.
'I had Mother Box take a look at Skeets,' Scott explained. 'This should be enough to fix him up-- get him working again.'
'I... honestly don't know what to say.' Booster's eyes were fixed on the table. 'Thanks. Seriously-- thank you.'
'So that's it, right?' Guy asked, after a few moments of quiet. 'Batsy ain't interested in his gift from J'onn, so we can leave? Tora, how about a night on the town? They're playing the new Rambo at the multiplex-- my treat.'
'Oh, I'd love to!' Tora exclaimed. 'But I've plans with Bea. Maybe another time?'
'Rambo?' Ted asked. 'Seriously? You'd love to?'
'Oh, I just cried watching the first one. That poor veteran, abandoned by society! Such a tragedy!'
'You... haven't actually seen the second one, have you?' Booster realised.
'Actually, Guy, Booster is right,' Tora realised. 'We should really watch that before the third one.'
'Maybe you should leave it at the first,' Ted said.
'Far be it from me to agree with Ted,' Bea said, 'but I guess even a broken clock is right twice a day.'
'I've no doubt our last guest would be happy to accompany you to the cinema, Guy,' J'onn said. 'In fact, I insist you take him.'
'Guys' night out with the Guy himself, huh?' Guy smiled. 'Yeah, I could go for that. I just hope whoever it is can keep up with me.'
'Wait,' Ted realised. 'J'onn, who did you get a gift for? And... who got one for Batman?'
J'onn raised his hands. 'Before you say anything, he had nowhere else to go, and it's christmas. I believe humans place a great deal of stake in such things.'
'You didn't,' Ted said. 'J'onn, tell me you didn't.'
Scott's eyes widened. 'Look at the time! I really should be going-- can't keep Barda waiting.'
'Scott, please--' J'onn pleaded.
'What are you both...' Bea started, before realisation dawned on her as well. 'J'onn, if you did what I think you did, so help me God...'
'God can't save us now,' Ted moaned, his face pressed against the conference room table. 'Go, Scott-- save yourself.'
'From who?' Guy asked.
'J'onn--' Booster started. 'Oh no. Oh, god, no.'
'I'm afraid so.' J'onn sighed. '"A time of goodwill to all men", I believe the saying goes?'
'What are you losers talking about?' Guy asked.
'Open the last gift, Guy,' Booster said. 'You'll see.' He slid the package along the table to Guy.
'Ha! Which one of you idiots bought Batman a chew toy? He doesn't even have a dog!'
The colour drained from his face.
'You agreed to go to the movies with him,' Ted realised. 'He's not our problem this time!'
'J'onn,' Guy said, turning as green as his ring, 'you can't do this to me! Goodwill to all men is one thing, but goodwill to him--’
The conference room door flew open. 'Gee, sorry I'm late!' Their guest exclaimed. 'But I saw this postal service van on the way over and the next thing I knew, I was three blocks away chasing after it. Then there was this fire hydrant...'
'Have a nice night, Guy,' Bea said, struggling not to laugh as she took Tora's hand.
'You taped Santa Claus Conquers The Martians a couple nights ago, right?' Booster asked, standing up and dragging Ted along with him past their guest. 'I'll go get us some beers…'
'Scott?' Guy pleaded. 'Don't make me do this alone, man.'
'Sure, I'll tell Barda I can't make dinner because you've forced me to go to the movies with you and our guest.'
Guy considered this for a moment. It would get him out of spending time with G’nort, but it would also likely get him out of eating solid food for the next few weeks. 'Enjoy your dinner, Free,’ he decided.
'Merry Christmas, G'nort,' J'onn smiled, reaching under the table to hand the Lantern the last gift he’d hidden. 'Here you are.'
'Milk bones!' G'nort exclaimed. 'Delicious! Oh, where are my manners-- anyone else want one?'
'No, thank you,' J'onn said. 'I've a box of Oreos and a week’s worth of soap operas waiting for me upstairs. But those will make a perfect snack for the cinema. Guy, I believe the movie starts in half an hour?’