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“He went and got himself killed cause he didn’t listen. He just had to be the fucking hero.”
Steve hears himself yell and oh, all the fight in him leaves as he processes the words, sliding down the wall as tears gather in his eyes. Dustin had already left the room with a slam but Steve could still see the hurt expression he had behind his closed eyes.
He hadn’t changed. He was still the same fucking asshole he once was. This was like calling Nancy a slut again but so so much worse.
Who gets mad at someone for sacrificing themselves to keep someone else safe? To keep Dustin safe. Steve knew he would have done the same. He was such a hypocrite.
He had no right to be mad. But he was.
He was. They weren’t ever a thing, not really.
He had known there was something when Munson came into the ice cream store and bought nothing. Sly glances his way, always talking, drawing Steve’s eyes toward him without meaning too.
He knew there was something when he would find himself looking forward to Munson’s arrival, admiring his birds nest of a hair while giving him the family discount like he would to one of the girls who came in with their gloss, acting all shy.
Maybe if it stopped there he wouldn’t be here. He was fine with physical attraction. He was a teenage guy, he was used to it.
But then Munson had been accused of murder. He had found out about the upside down.
He hadn’t run. He hadn’t even accused them of lying. Just accepted it. Went with it. Followed their plans.
He’d been there. All doe eyes and curly hair with words like “big boy” and telling Steve that he was smart (no one had ever said that to him before) —
Steve whimpers. They weren’t a thing. But there was the promise of something. A future. Coparenting the rest of the kids, the six little nuggets.
He could feel it. Everytime they stood too close to one another. The way he had stared intensely at Eddie’s lips, wondering if it was worth kissing him but instead settling for “Don’t be the hero”.
And Steve wishes he could take it back. Wishes he wasn’t such a coward. Maybe if he hadn’t said something maybe just maybe —
He wasn’t mad at Eddie, not really. He was mad at himself. Another person he couldn’t protect, another person to add to his list of failures.
And Dustin — Steve knew he was struggling. Steve knew he should have been there for him. But he couldn’t bring up Eddie, trying to keep it in that black box he does to all of his trauma but well, Eddie was never meant to be confined was he?
Eddie and his hanky, proud and unafraid, even in a town like Hawkins. Eddie, who learned about the upside down and stayed to help them, to protect his kids. Their kids.
Eddie, who died trying his best.
Steve sighs, the anger all gone as the grief hits him, all consuming. He regrets storming away.
He was the older one here. He couldn’t be acting out like a toddler. God, he had hurt Henderson. Not only with his words but also his fists.
He really hasn’t changed. Steve thumps his head on the wall, uncaring of the dirt and grime and who knew what else the upside down was covered in.
His ribs hurt and he starts laughing.
Henderson had really cleaned up his right hook from the last time he had taught him.
Steve sobers up quick though, knowing what that meant. He’d known. The bruises, the anger simmering under his skin, Dustin must have been picking fights with anyone and everyone.
He knew. Cause that was exactly what Steve used to do, before he had changed.
Dustin had always looked up to him and look where that had gotten him.
Steve scoffs, laughing bitterly. Clearly he hadn’t changed that much, if at all.
Still, he needs to apologise. Dustin was better than him. He deserved better.
Like Eddie Munson. A voice whispers in his head.
This time, instead of angrily shoving thoughts of Eddie away, Steve welcomes it.
He smiles, briefly entertaining the thought of an alternative universe where he was there. Alive.
Maybe they would have been together. Maybe not. Maybe they would still have been dancing around each other.
But he doesn’t know and never will.
That’s what grief is. All the what ifs and extra moments cause you took something for granted.
Steve’s not letting that happen again.
Those won’t be his last words to Dustin.
Steve’s going to find him. He’s going to apologize.
If you die. I die.
Steve still had a job to do.
No more deaths on his watch.