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"When Vecna attacks, he weakens you by turning your own mind against you, by bringing out everything inside you that hurts."
Joyce nods looking at her kid with understanding. She graps Wills hand to indicate she'll always be here for him, knowing how difficult it must be for him to talk about it.
"So I fought back by focusing on happy memories", he continues, "memories from when I was a kid, when I wasn't scared, and when I felt most happy. That's how I took control and was able to kill those demos. I was so sure it would work on Vecna too but he found a way past. He showed me things."
Will avoids her gaze, he didn't know how he could ever voice these horrible visions Vecna implanted in his mind. Firmly anchored, spreading, increase his anxiety, making him overthink. He knew Vecna couldn't see the future, he knew Vecna was trying to scare him. Still it did not help. There was this doubt in his head, what if it actually turns out to be true? What if they leave him? What if Joyce yells at him the same way his farther did? What if Joyce sends him to conversion therapy? What if Mike really looks at him that way, with shock, disgust and then anger. What if he really ends up all alone? He still remembers the day he became friends with Mike, he had been all alone and had felt like an outcast, but Mike had been there. Smiling at him, talking to him. He didn't want to be an outcast again, he didn't want to be made fun off, he didn't want to be different. In a way he supposes he always was. Always was different,
"zombie boy",
"that weird guy",
but that wasn't the worst he had been called. Not by long.
"You're a faggot?", repeats in his mind, Mikes voice but not Mikes words. He had been called a fag before, often. It got better when people saw him dancing with a girl on the snowball. The only issue was that he didn't feel anything for that girl. Objectively she had been pretty, but it didn't make his stomach flutter, didn't make his heart race. He only started to slowly accept he was gay when he was away from Hawkins. And it had hurt, really hurt. He did feel ashamed, pathetic, foolish and cried. Cried so much, cried endless nights. It had felt awful.
He had no one to tell, he coudln't even tell his bestfriend because he realized he liked Mike. More than he should. And Mike would never like him back. He was in love with Eleven. And Will was happy for him. Truly happy. At least Mike would never feel the shame, the loneliness or despair he did, but it had hurt. It had hurt soo bad, it still does. He was hopelessly in love with Mike. Even knowing Mike would never like him back, Will coudln't help himself but hold on to a very small strang of hope, that maybe, just maybe, one day he'd be loved by a guy the way he loved, and his heart desperately longs for that guy to be Mike.
Vecna reminded him of how less Mike called him, how less Mike did care about him. He did not only show him 'future' visions, he also showed him how weird Mike looked at him when he visited Eleven and him in California. Or rather when he visited El. Will had felt very unwelcome when they went ice skating. Mike did not want you there. That was probably true. Mike had held Els hand and had not even once looked back to see if Will was still there. He seemed happy though. He's happier without you. You are pathetic you even helped them get back together.
Will shock his head. Yes he did help them fix their relationship issues back then. Not that it matters anyways. Mike wasn't into guys and Eleven broke up with him a month later. Causing Mike to finally call Will more often, meet up with him more often again, just to talk about Eleven. A painful reminder Mike would never be into him.
Joyce voice pulls him out of his own thoughts, "listen. Whatever Vecna showed you, it's not real. He plays tricks. He lies."
And she was right. Even though Vecna manipulates people based on real thoughts, real memories and secrets, "you're right mom, he shows a distorted reality. That's why I want you to know the truth. If I already face my own fears I know his vision can't be true, right?" Will lets go off her hand fidgeting with his sleeves nervously.
"I- I wanted to tell you.. I'm gay", he can't look into her eyes as he forces the words out. His body is shaking his voice sounds strange, his heart clenching, his throat hurting and he feels ashamed, so ashamed. He doesn't dare look at her face. He doesn’t need to see the shocked expression. How could she accept him if he still hadn't fully accepted himself? "I'm sorry I can't control it, I-". Before he could finish his sentence he felt warm arms around him, hugging him tight.
"It's okay", Joyce pulls back gently looking into his eyes. "You're still the same person, regardless of your sexuality and I love you so so much Will. You're very brave for telling me your secret.. for trusting me enough". She smiles at him. "Whatever Vecna showed you about my reaction, it is not true. This changes nothing between us, okay? It may only strengthen our trust in each other."
Will relaxes, tension leaving his body completely. He nods and a slight smile forms on his lips. Joyce pulls him closer again. This time he feels overwhelmed, in a good way. His heart pacing from relief and happiness, a warm feeling spreading in his body. He finally felt understood and not that lonely anymore. The hug goes on for a few minutes, before he finally pulls back. "Mom?"
"Yes?", she wipes away tears from his cheek, he hadn't noticed rolling down.
"Do you think I can find someone who loves me as much as I love.. him?", he hesitates, "romantically".
To his relief his mother nods. "Yes, I believe that. It may take a while but you definitely can. You're a sweet, smart boy. And other gay people exist. Someone will love you more than you think you deserve. Someone will think you're the best thing that happened to them in their life. And you can find that guy. I'm just sorry you won't have an easy dating experience. But it definitely can happen and it will"
Unknown to both of them a black haired boy was standing outside the door, listening in. Had been for 10 minutes. The boy swallows, his hands shaking. Every word he had heard was a stab to his chest but at the same time a hug to his heart. He couldn't admit it right now, but his heart was racing, his hands sweating from hearing Will was into guys. The boy knew once Will felt comfortable coming out to him, he would be ready to face his own fears.
Until then Mike buried his longing deep inside of him.