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It was a few days before Christmas, and Harvey was determined to give Mike a special present. He’d thought of countless ways to confess to Mike. He’d even tried several times in person, but he’d chickened out at the last second. Every time he made a move to confess, thoughts of everything that could go wrong would be all he could think of. He’d start saying something and his words would falter when he looked at Mike. He didn’t want to just blurt out a confession. Mike deserved a heartfelt confession. He deserved to hear how much he mattered to him. Instead he decided to put everything he’d thought since he met Mike, on paper.
Harvey stared at the blank notecard in front of him for what could have been hours. His glass of scotch laid off to the side, all but forgotten. The ice he’d put in there had long since melted. He took a sip and grimaced at how watered down it was. Another testament as to how long he’d been sitting there.
The voice of Elvin Bishop floated around the room. He’d put on his album Struttin’ My Stuff. It had already looped around once and he had reset it. Fooled Around And Fell In Love played softly in the background. His heart lurched. What a poignant time for that song to come on. It prompted him to think about what he was about to do, write Mike a letter and bear his heart and soul to him.
The thought drove a spike of fear into his heart.
There was no telling how Mike would react. But this would monumentally change their relationship. For better or worse, he could not tell.
He continued to have a staring contest with the notecard. One from his personal stationary collection. He’d never admit it out loud, but he’d bought these ones specifically thinking about Mike. The soft baby-blue color reminded him of Mike’s brilliantly colored eyes. His monogrammed header at the top of the page mocked him. ‘From the desk of Harvey Specter’. Of course he had to have it personalized. He hadn’t bought them with the specific intent to confess to Mike. But as he ruminated on his feelings more and more, it seemed the obvious choice. Would Mike notice the color, the thoughtfulness? He shook himself out of his head with another sip of watery scotch.
His pen sat next to the card, waiting to be put to use. He sighed and picked it up. There was no time like the present. It hovered over the page and for a moment he was unsure of what to write.
“Jesus, just write something.” He mumbled to himself. How could he think of Mike all the time, but when it came down to this his mind went blank? He shook his head and gripped the Mont Blanc tighter. He pressed it to the page. Then something clicked and the words poured effortlessly.
Dear Mike,
I don’t know what you’re going to think of me after this, but I have to tell you. I’ve spent too long pushing everything down and keeping it to myself. Typical of me, I suppose. You would know that. To be honest, this is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. But I owe it to you to tell you what’s been on my mind.
Puppy, where do I even begin?. You play in my head on repeat. Like you’re a vinyl I can’t get enough of. I know you’re the one with the photographic memory, but sometimes it feels like mine is like that too. Only mine is only like that with memories of you.
I don’t think I’ll ever forget the day we met. You walked into the hotel room and my whole world halted in its tracks. The sight of you alone had my breath caught in my throat. Once you started talking, I knew I was in trouble. How could everything you say sound so perfect? The look you had on your face when the briefcase broke open is something that will play in my head on repeat.
I guess what I’m trying to say without actually saying it, is that you have bewitched me, body and soul. I simply cannot picture my life without you in it. You are the object of all my desires. You have bled into every aspect of my life and stained it in the most beautiful way. I couldn’t imagine scrubbing you from my life. I go to sleep with thoughts of you running on repeat. I wake up from the most tantalizing dreams about you and only wish to go back to sleep. It’s torture knowing they aren’t real. I can’t escape from you. Not even sleep could take you from me.
Putting all of this on paper is honestly terrifying, but I can’t keep this from you anymore. I need you to know.
I hope I can be yours,
- Harvey
Harvey stared at the page before him. The ink hadn’t even dried yet. He grabbed the scotch glass and took a deep drink. The watery scotch burned as it went down. He hadn’t even given the letter to Mike yet, but his heart pounded wildly. The envelope sat on his desk, patiently waiting for him to put the letter in. It mocked him. He could hear it.
“You can’t even put this in the envelope because you’re so scared of rejection.”
He cringed internally and took another sip. The bottle of scotch wasn’t far away. He could pour another drink and try to calm the raging storm in his mind. With a deep sigh he reached for the bottle and topped the–frankly–sad amount he had in there. He swirled the scotch around before he knocked it back His fingers shook slightly as he opened the envelope and slipped the letter inside. All that was left to do was put it in the outgoing mailbox. Then within a couple of days it would arrive at Mike’s apartment. He took a deep breath. He tried to keep his hand steady as he wrote Mike’s name and address across the center of the envelope. The ink dried slowly. While he waited he stuck a stamp on. It went on straight, not even one bit crooked.
He felt a small smile grow on his face. As much as this absolutely terrified him, he was excited. Excited about what could come from this. His mind was prompted to provide him with imaginary scenarios of what life would be like after. Granted, that was if Mike was receptive to his confession.
With everything dry, he walked down to the mail room. His heart pounded wildly. There was a part of him that wanted to rip up the letter and destroy all evidence that it had ever existed in the first place. Every step he took brought him closer to having his fate sealed. He stopped in front of the mailbox. There was a simple slot on the side of the wall. All he had to do was slide the letter through. His pulse hammered in his ears. How was something so simple, so hard? He closed his eyes and took a deep breath in and out. It did little to help his anxiety. It pulsed beneath his skin, itching to escalate into something more than just a quickened heartbeat.
“Come on, it’s just a letter. Get out of your head and send the damn thing. Jesus Christ.” He muttered out loud.
He shook his head to clear the negative thoughts that had gathered there. He could do this. Without another second to dwell on what would happen, he slid it into the mailbox. He watched the letter fall away. That was it. There was no turning back now.
He turned and walked back to his place. If the walk there was torture, the walk back was even worse. Everything welled up inside him and threatened to burst. At least he decided against having it sent from work. All their outgoing mail ended up in a bin. Anyone would’ve been able to see his handwritten note addressed to Mike. Rumors would have spread like wildfire. This was a much safer alternative. He let out a sigh he hadn’t realized he was holding. Only a few days and then everything would change.
—
The five days that it took on average for a letter to arrive were pure hell for Harvey. He was in an almost constant state of anxiety. He tried to hide exactly how he was feeling, but Donna obviously saw through it. On day ten of hearing nothing from Mike, he was ready to quit so he would never have to be reminded of him again. More than enough time had passed for the letter to have been delivered, so why hadn’t Mike said anything yet? Donna walked into his office and shut the door behind her.
“So, what’s going on?” She said, cutting straight to the point. The look she gave him meant she was down to business. Harvey glanced at her and turned his attention back to the document in front of him.
“Nothing.” He said nonchalantly. He hoped if he kept his focus on the document she would give up on him. Donna crossed her arms and stared at him.
“Bullshit, it’s nothing. You’ve barely said a word to me all day. You’re on at least your fifth cup of coffee and it’s barely past lunch. You know caffeine can make anxiety worse right? Which, speaking of lunch, you usually go out with Mike, what changed?” Her last question made her stop in her tracks.
“Wait this has to do with Mike, doesn’t it?” She arched a brow at him. Harvey tried to act like she didn’t hit the bullseye. He calmly set his pen down and put on his best poker face.
“What do you mean this has to do with Mike. What are you even talking about?” He kept his voice as even as he could. Donna’s face grew into a smile.
“Oh it totally does. What happened? Did you guys finally get together? Or wait, you didn’t get together? Because there’s no way finally hooking up with him would have you acting like this.” She paced around the room, deep in thought. “Let me guess, you confessed and it didn’t go as planned?” Harvey pursed his lips. Her expression softened.
“Oh Harvey.” She said in a soothing voice. He turned his attention back to the document.
“It’s nothing.” He said calmly. Even though on the inside he felt like he had slowly slipped into the realms of insanity.
“Harvey.” She said sternly. He knew she wanted him to talk. But if he talked, he’d have to bare his soul again, and he already felt so tender from the last time. Which granted, was a little over a week ago, but that was besides the point. He didn’t have to tell her anything. He could just continue with his plan, to put in his letter of resignation, quit law, and move across the country. He’d never have to see Mike again, whether that was a pro or a con, he hadn’t quite figured that out yet. He grit his teeth together as Donna continued to stare at him. He exhaled heavily.
“Donna, it’s really nothing. Now can you let me get back to work?” He asked, not daring to look up from the paper. He heard her sigh heavily.
“If you say so. I’ll be here if you decide to let me in, ” Donna said as she shut the door behind her, “I’m always here for you.”
Harvey sighed and dropped the pen onto his desk. He had to calm down and get his emotions in check. It was totally realistic that he hadn’t heard from Mike yet. Maybe Mike needed some time to come to terms with his confession. Or worse, this was Mike’s way of letting him down easy. No confrontation, no awkward conversations, just silence.
That could be the case, except for the fact that Mike had stopped by earlier with notes on their newest case. It took all of Harvey to not ask him what he had thought about the letter. He had wrangled his emotions to the best of his ability. Although Mike had shot him several looks throughout their conversation. Silently asking if everything was okay. He pretended he hadn’t noticed them.
—
On week three of hearing nothing from Mike, Harvey had given up.
He just had to accept the fact that Mike had all but rejected him. Mike had acted like nothing had even happened between the two of them. Which had slowly driven Harvey insane. Every interaction had him questioning if things were really over between them. There would be these moments where Harvey would lose himself in Mike’s eyes. Moments where their fingers brushed and it sent sparks shooting up his arm. Moments where Mike would say something that made his heartskip a beat. Moments where Harvey wanted to ignore the fact that Mike had rejected him. Moments where he wanted to grab him by the tie and kiss him senseless. But as usual, he pushed everything down and internalized everything. He knew it wasn’t healthy, but it was so familiar, so instinctive. He would clench his jaw and tell himself to put the mask back on. To act like he was the hot shot lawyer that had everything going for him. Act like his whole entire world hadn’t been flipped upside down by Mike’s silent, inconceivable rejection.
What Harvey couldn’t understand was why Mike still acted the same. He would have expected Mike to ask to be someone else’s associate. He tried not to dwell on that too long. At least he could still have Mike in his life. He couldn’t bear the thought of him leaving. At least he still had these small interactions. At least Mike was still there. As much as he wanted to run away and bury himself in a hole, he couldn’t give Mike up. He still loved him. Everything he had said in his letter was still true. It had been since the day Mike had stumbled into the room at the Chilton and weed spilled from his briefcase. Harvey had been smitten before a single word had even left his mouth. That’s what kept him going.
—
When the fourth month had passed since the letter had been mailed, Harvey accepted his fate. Mike would never be in his life the way that he truly wanted him to be. He’d all but given up. Scotch became his new best friend. It had replaced Mike somewhere around month two.
Seeing Mike at work not only kept him going but also kept breaking him. He thrived on the fact that Mike still wanted him in his life but, whenever Mike was around, he couldn’t help but think about what could’ve been.
He cycled through the same albums about heartbreak. He couldn’t even bring himself to look at Struttin’ My Stuff by Elvin Bishop. The vinyl was tainted with the memory of Mike’s rejection.
His mood had gotten so bad that even Louis asked him about it.
“So Harvey, here’s the plan. You, me, mudding, and a Yankee’s game. This Saturday. What do you think?” Louis asked. He moved his eyebrows up and down in excitement. Harvey sighed.
“No.” Was all he could manage. He could barely even manage a simple conversation. He felt like he was trapped in molasses. Everything moved so slow. Louis didn’t back down.
“I’m not taking no for an answer.” He said stubbornly. Harvey frowned.
“Well, I’m not agreeing. I have work to do, so either take the no, or leave.” Harvey picked his pen up and made a move to work on the documents in front of him.
“Come on Harvey, everyone can see what an awful mood you’re in, we’re just trying to help.” Louis admitted. Harvey huffed.
“Well I don’t need it. I’m doing just fine on my own. So take your pathetic excuse for an opportunity to help and walk out the door. And do yourself a favor, don't come asking again.” Harvey spit out. He didn’t need people to feel bad for him. He was handling it. He didn’t bother to watch Louis leave. If he did he would have seen him and Donna talk in hushed tones at her desk.
No one could help. No one could make this better except for Mike. All he had to do was tell Harvey he felt the same. Even after all this time, he still wished for those simple words to come out his mouth.
“I feel the same.”
“I want something with you too.”
“I love you.”
Something, anything. Anything besides the absolute silence he’d gotten in the past months. Harvey’s eyes burned, but he blinked the feeling away. He couldn’t cry at work. He sniffed and steeled himself. He could get through this.
—
In month seven, Harvey tried something new. He was out to dinner with Donna, who had all but dragged him along. Saying something along the lines of “You have no way out of this.” Thoughts of Mike had been running rampant in his head since he sent the letter. He was determined to not let Mike control his thoughts anymore.
He glanced at their waitress. She was objectively pretty. She seemed nice, at least in the small interactions they’d had throughout the night.
“What do you think about her?” He said as he nodded in her direction. Donna gave him a look but followed his gaze anyways.
“The waitress? Really?” She asked. “You could do better.” She said pointedly, knowingly. Since she deduced what was really going on, all those months ago, she hadn’t let up. Harvey rolled his eyes. He knew what she was implying.
“Mike? Really? You know there’s not going to be anything between us.” He said, as he made a point to look at the waitress.
“Oh so now you want to share what happened?” She shot back. Harvey looked down at his plate. Even though it had been months
“Nothing happened, and nothing's going to happen. Just drop it. I was talking about the waitress anyways.” He said as he purposefully looked at the waitress again. Donna looked at him. He knew she wanted to pry, but he wasn’t going to let her. He needed to get his mind off Mike, and he could do that with the waitress, whatever her name was. He’d find out when she came over with the check.
“Well, I still think you could do better. Is she even your type?” She asked incredulously. He rolled his eyes.
Blonde hair? No. Blue eyes? Also no. Tall? Not in the slightest. Eidetic memory? He wasn’t sure about that one. Fake lawyer? She was a waitress. Mike? Not even close. He sighed. Okay, so what if he was still in love with Mike? Maybe this girl could be the cure. He caught her eye and held a hand up to signal that he wanted her to come over.
“She’s close enough.” He said before he took a sip of scotch.
“Right.” Donna pushed her food around her plate.
“Did you need something else?” The waitress whose name was escaping him at the moment said. Maybe it was something with an S? Stacy? Sasha? He wasn’t sure. She batted her eyelashes at him. If Mike would have done that, he would have folded instantly. How could he resist those baby blues?
“Yeah, I was wondering what time you get off? Maybe the two of us could get a drink?” He said with a smile. Donna narrowed her eyes at him from across the table. He knew she didn’t approve. He just had to get a distraction. He just wanted some relief from the thoughts plaguing him.
The waitress smiled at him.
“I’d love to. But is your girlfriend going to mind?” She looked over at Donna, who turned to hide her laughter.
“We’re not together.” He said flatly. Donna coughed into her hand, but it sounded suspiciously like a laugh.
“Oh. Well then I get off in 30 minutes, think you can wait that long?” She said flirtily.
“I’ve got all the time in the world for you, darling.” He said, his voice silky smooth.
“Well, I’ll see you in thirty minutes then.” She smiled flirtily at him and winked. He returned her smile, with the brightness cranked to ten.
“Perfect, can I trouble you for the bill before you go?” He said.
“Already got it here for you.” She placed the bill on the table before she sashayed away.
“Wow, I don’t think I’ve seen you pretend to be interested before.” Donna said before she took a sip of wine. Harvey sighed. She wasn’t wrong. He was pretending. But that was besides the point. This waitress wasn’t going to be the end all be all.
“I’m not pretending. For all I know, she could be the one.” He lied, not only trying to convince Donna, but also himself. So what if she wasn’t Mike? Maybe she could become somewhat of a replacement. He tried to picture this going anywhere besides just the night. His brain unhelpfully supplied fantasies of Mike instead. He grabbed his glass of scotch and took a sip. The burn grounded him slightly.
“Right. You keep telling yourself that. If you want to spend your time wallowing in your self-pity instead of actually doing something about it, be my guest. All I can tell you is that you’re being stupid.” She said. Harvey pursed his lips. As usual, she had seen right through him. His hands wrapped around the scotch glass tightly.
“You don’t get it, Donna.” He muttered. His gaze was fixated on the amber liquid. If he looked at her, he’d let her glimpse into his soul. As if that would stop her. Knowing her, she probably already knew exactly what he was thinking and feeling.
“Then enlighten me! I know you think talking about it isn’t worth it, but trust me it is! Just let me know what’s on your mind. I’m here to help you, Harvey. It’s not my fault you don’t think it makes a difference. Burdens are easier to handle when they’re shared.” She set her glass down and covered one of his hands with her own.
He inhaled sharply. It would be so easy to just spill everything. The confession, the rejection, the heartbreak that followed. But he’d already been burned once by sharing. He’d put his heart on the line and it had gone horribly. It had all but squashed every chance of baring his soul again. If he held everything close to his chest, no one would be able to hurt him again.
“Maybe another time, Donna. Can’t spill everything with a hot girl waiting.” He tried to flash one of his signature smiles, but he was sure it fell flat.
The look Donna gave him was laced with something he couldn’t quite place. Sympathy, pity, and something else. Regret, maybe? He turned away from her.
“Well then I guess I’ll leave you to it. Just know I’m always here for you.” She said as she grabbed her bag. As she walked away she turned around once more and gave him a sad smile. He gave her a smile of his own. He knew she was too far away to see how it didn’t reach his eyes. Even if she noticed that it fell flat, she was already out the door. It was just him and the glass of scotch now.
It wasn’t much longer before the waitress came over. She placed her bag on the table and leaned over.
“I’m ready whenever you are, babe.” She said sultrily. He kept the smile on his face, but it just sounded wrong. There was only one person he wanted to call him by that name. Too bad that hadn’t gone to plan. Too bad he was stuck here with what's her name.
“Then let’s go.” He stood up and graciously offered her his arm. She curled her arm around his and they fell in step together. She leaned her head on his shoulder. He could smell the fruity shampoo she had used. She barely came up to his shoulders. Which wasn’t a bad thing, he just had to slow his pace down to match hers. Which he did because that's what a gentleman does. It was basically written in the Harvey Specter code of conduct. It’s what he did for anyone he dates, gives them the whole nine yards. It’s what he wished he could do for Mike. It was only slightly awkward with what's her name, not as good as it could be, but not the worst thing in the world. His mind spurred his imagination to act. With cheap cologne and footsteps that were more in step with his own. So close, but no cigar. He had to make do regardless, because that’s what Harvey Specter did.
Ray had parked nearby. He ushered her over to the car and opened the door for her like the gentleman he was. She slid into the backseat gracefully. He followed her and shut the door. He tried to just enjoy the night until she slotted right next to him. An uneasy feeling pulsed through him, but he pushed it aside. This could still work. No, this had to work.
Now the question was, where to go? A bar was the obvious choice. He wondered absentmindedly what bar he would take Mike to. Would he take him to the one where you had to have a membership to even get your foot in the door, let alone on the list? Or maybe one that was more lowkey? One where Mike wouldn’t feel out of place? Or maybe to that jazz bar he frequented. Their live music was the best. He shook his head slightly. He had to take her someplace nondescript. Somewhere that still gave the impression that he put some thought into this.
“Ray, take us to The Studio please.” He said. The girl curled herself deeper into his side. If that was even possible. She leaned in and pressed a kiss to his neck. It was nothing like how he imagined kissing Mike, but he could manipulate the scenario. He angled himself towards her and he gently tilted her face towards his and he kissed her properly. She smiled against his mouth. Her lips were soft and warm. He tentatively licked at her lips, silently asking for permission. His heart may be elsewhere, but that didn’t have to stop him from kissing her properly. As he got lost in the kiss, his mind supplied an image of Mike without asking. If he just didn’t think about it at all, it was like Mike was there instead of what’s her name. She bit down gently on his lip and he gasped. Her tongue melded with his.
He wondered what kissing Mike would be like. Would it be gentle or rough? Sensual or lustful? Heated and passionate or slow and tender? There were so many possibilities and he wanted to experience every single one. He got lost in the scenarios.
The girl, or was it Mike, bit down on his lip again and pulled. He She gasped into his mouth as he gently pulled on his her hair. He undid one or two of the buttons on his shirt. He kept kissing him her. He wanted to hear those delicious sounds Mike the girl made. He She moaned into his mouth and his her hands drifted down his body. They stopped at his belt buckle. He made a move to unbuckle it and he let him. His hand drifted lower still.
“Fuck, Mike.” He mumbled into his mouth. She jerked back and broke the kiss.
“Did you just say Mike?” She asked sharply. Harvey froze.
“I meant Michelle.” He said, trying to save himself. Her frown deepened. She crossed her arms.
“My name is Avery, asshole. Can you just let me out at the next light? I’ll find my own way home.” She said angrily. He hoped Ray had heard her while she ranted. Luckily for him, Ray stopped the car at the next light. She all but jumped out of the car. Clearly she was eager to leave his presence. He guessed if someone moaned out the wrong name while making out with him, he’d probably have a similar reaction. That was probably the worst thing to happen tonight. It truly couldn’t get much worse than this.
“Just take me home.” He said. He couldn’t keep the dejection out of his voice. Nothing had gone his way all night. And it was true. He’d blown off all of Donna’s probes, and he had moaned the wrong name while making out with, god, he couldn't remember her name. And she had just said it too. Jesus Christ, he was ruined. Ruined for one man, who couldn’t even give him a proper rejection. He was forced to live with Mike all but ghosting him. He wondered if he would ever get over him. It didn’t help that Mike had wormed his way into every aspect of his life. He couldn’t escape from him.
—
In the tenth month, Harvey had thought he was almost over Mike. Sure, seeing him gave him the inexplicable butterflies, and made his heart flutter. But wouldn’t that happen to anyone who was still head over heels for someone? He kept trying to convince himself that Mike was just his associate, and would only ever be his associate. That didn’t stop him from conjuring scenes of what could have been. By now, he was convinced that the fifth stage of grief was a lie. There was no getting over this.
It only got worse when Mike came into his office one day. He carried files as usual, but he started running his mouth the second he walked through the door.
“Why do girls have to be so difficult?” He groaned out. Of course Mike hadn’t stopped seeing Rachel. Harvey knew that was the real reason that Mike had rejected him. He was still dedicated to his relationship with Rachel. He’d see them around the office. Seen them in Rachel’s office, close enough to touch while they chatted aimlessly. He’d seen the way Mike would hover over Rachel’s shoulder, a hand gently rested on the back of her chair. It wasn’t fair. How could he see Mike act like that with someone that wasn’t him? Harvey knew better than to answer, but that didn’t stop him.
“What’s going on now?” He asked simply. He glanced up and saw Mike throw the files down. He watched as Mike threw himself onto the sofa. Harvey felt like Lucy from the Peanuts. Maybe he could get a sign and pin it above his desk. ‘Psychiatric help, for Mike Ross only.’ Maybe that would finally get Mike to realize that he was desperately in love with him.
Mike sighed audibly. “It’s Rachel, she wants me to come with her to dinner with her parents. But I know her dad doesn’t like me. She wants me there for support, because I mean you know what her dad is like. So, what should I do?” He groaned out the last part. He looked expectantly at him. Those wide blue eyes drove a knife into Harvey’s heart.
Harvey bit down on the inside of his cheek. His hand tightened around the Mont Blanc. Why did the universe have to torture him so? Every time he thought he was close to getting over Mike, something would happen and he’d be pulled right back into his feelings. They deepened with every interaction. With every second he spent in Mike’s presence.
He doubted he would ever truly get over him. He was in too deep. His feelings felt deeper than the Mariana Trench. Deeper than a black hole. His feelings for Mike spanned to the edges of the universe. Or maybe past that. He’d lost track.
Now here he was, patiently waiting for an answer. However, Harvey didn’t even know how to answer. All the answers he had to say were along the lines of : “Don’t go, come to dinner with me instead” or “Rachel doesn’t deserve you” or the worst “I need you more than she does” . He shook his head slightly to clear those unwanted thoughts. Mike was looking for advice. The obvious choice was to tell him to go and support Rachel. She was his girlfriend after all, what kind of guy would he be to not tell Mike to go. He cleared his throat of the emotion that had gathered there.
“Obviously you should go. Rachel needs you, so it’s only the right thing to do. I’m sure she’ll be more than happy to see you there.” He had to force every word out through the bitter taste in his mouth. He couldn’t even bring himself to look at Mike. He kept his gaze focused on the folders Mike had haphazardly thrown down. What could he do about it though? Mike had made himself clear. It was only up to him to accept that. Every day was harder than the last.
Mike sighed loudly again. It broke him out of the reverie inside his head. Harvey spared a glance at Mike.
“Ugh, you’re right,” He groaned and sat up to face him. “She asked me for support and it would hurt her feelings if I didn’t go. Thank you. You give the best advice, you know.” He said warmly. Harvey felt a piece of his heart crumble into dust. He barely managed a smile.
“Of course, kid. It’s no problem.” The crack in his mask grew inch by inch the longer this conversation carried on. Soon the cracks would reveal everything. It was only a matter of time.
—
Month twelve rolled around on one of the absolute worst years of Harvey’s life. After he’d discovered Lily’s affairs he was sure that he’d never feel loneliness, regret, and turmoil to that extent again. This year had unfortunately proved him dead wrong. It all came to a head a few days before Christmas.
Mike knocked gently on the open door of his office. He looked up from the glass of scotch he had been nursing. He wore a bright smile on his face and held something behind his back. To be honest, he didn't feel up for whatever Mike was here for. His heart was so incredibly raw and tender. The memories from this past year had welled up inside him and craved to be released.
“What’s up kid?” He could hear the tiredness in his voice. How he wished Mike would just eject him from his life and free him from the internal torment. He hated how he didn’t have the strength to do it himself.
Mike’s smile grew even wider and he approached the desk. He took what he had been hiding behind his back and placed it on the desktop. Harvey’s jaw worked at the sudden appearance of two neatly wrapped presents. He ground his molars to try and keep himself together.
“What’s this?” He fought to keep his tone and emotions in check. Why was Mike all of a sudden showing more interest in him?
“Well, it’s almost Christmas, and you’re my best friend, so I um. I wanted to get you something. It’s probably stupid, but yeah. Um, just open them.” Mike’s voice was tinged with apprehension. His hand had come up to run through his hair.
Harvey set the glass of scotch off to the side and pulled the boxes closer to him. His hands shook slightly as he unwrapped the top one. He hated the way his heart sang at the small gesture. He loathed the way he wanted to see what Mike had got him. Anger boiled just beneath the surface of his skin.
The first box was rather small. It rattled slightly as he carefully unwrapped it. The striped paper fell away onto his desk. It was a jewelry box. He fought the urge to throw it across the room. He opened it and saw white gold cufflinks that rested against black velvet. He ran a finger over one of them. There was something engraved on them. He held them up closer to the light and saw the USS Enterprise lasered into them. What. The. Fuck.
Harvey’s mask cracked dangerously. It had all but shattered. There was no repair that could be done. All he could do was desperately hold onto the miniscule pieces that remained.
“Open the next one.” Mike said eagerly.
Harvey couldn’t hide the way his hands trembled this time. Countless emotions toiled inside him. He felt as if he were trapped in a hurricane of emotion that he had created himself. He was much less careful with unwrapping this one simply because he wanted this horrible scene to end. His breaths came quicker and he could feel the way his mask cracked even further. This box was thinner and longer. He took the top off and there were two season tickets to the Yankees. His jaw worked overtime. His left eye twitched. The mask crumbled completely into dust. Mike mistook his silence for admiration.
“I was thinking when we had time we could go together maybe? I thought it would be fun to get a chance to hang out outside of the office.” His smile was blinding. It wounded him to see Mike delight in this torture. He swallowed thickly. The emotion that had built up behind the dam he’d carefully constructed this year finally spilled out. He couldn’t help it.
“What the hell is this? What exactly was the meaning behind these?” He stood up forcefully and his chair hit the window. Rage spilled out from him. It was red hot and the words scorched him coming out of his mouth. He glared at Mike. He watched as Mike’s expression morphed from excitement to shock to hurt. Mike’s mouth opened and closed several times.
“And you pick now of all times to quit running your mouth. Fucking answer me Mike.” He spat out. Mike’s face crumpled.
“Sorry.” He whispered
“Really? That’s all you have to say? Is that you’re sorry? Jesus Christ Mike,” he pinched the bridge of his nose, “You know something funny, is that a year ago I would have been over the moon to receive something this meaningful from you. But I have spent the past twelve months berating myself. Because of you. You had countless opportunities to show me even an ounce of reciprocation. Countless chances to say something, anything. Instead you left me on my own.” He said bitterly. Everything he wanted to say all year had finally been said. All the heartbreak and resentment was poured into every word that fell from his lips. With the rage that clouded his vision, he had failed to see Mike’s expression change yet again.
“What are you talking about?” Confusion bled into his words. Harvey didn’t stop to pay that any attention. He barrelled on, his rage fueling every word.
“Don’t act like you don’t know exactly what I mean. Don’t pretend that you haven’t been spending this whole year quietly trying to let me down easy. I deserved an explanation. I deserved something more than just you acting the same as always. If you didn’t feel the same you could have told me instead of whatever the hell you did this past year.” His voice betrayed him towards the end. It cracked and the bite in his words dissolved into something more fragile. The raw emotion came out. His eyes stung. He turned away, he couldn’t bear this anymore. He’d never pictured things turning out this way. He’d never felt more exposed. He took a sharp breath in and tried to stave off the tears that threatened to flow, he squeezed his eyes shut and pinched his nose bridge. He heard Mike move closer towards him.
“Harvey. I’m so confused. What do you mean?” His tone sounded genuine, but what if this was just a trick to keep him in the same position he was already in? Harvey frowned and turned back towards Mike. Disbelief spread into his system. After a year of knowing and believing that Mike had all but rejected him, there was no way for him to know if Mike was being honest for sure?
“Don’t play with me, Mike.” He said shortly. Mike threw his hands out in exasperation.
“Harvey I’m being honest here, I have no idea what you’re talking about. And I certainly didn’t try to let you down easily? How could I have let you down if I didn’t even know?” He asked pointedly. Harvey felt a small glimmer of hope appear.
“So you didn’t get the letter?” He asked slowly. Mike groaned and ran a hand over his face.
“No, I didn’t get a letter. I didn’t even know you sent one.” Mike said desperately. Harvey froze. Time stopped still. He couldn’t believe he had spent this whole year mourning the loss of something he never had for nothing. Mike hadn’t received the letter. He hadn’t spent the whole year letting him down easy. Harvey felt like a fool. Realistically, he could have saved himself all this trouble if he had just asked Mike about the letter. Instead, he had tortured himself all year. God, he was an idiot. The great Harvey Specter had been played–by himself.
“Um, what was in the letter?” Mike said shyly. It broke him out of his head. Harvey looked at him now. He felt like he had been hit by a truck. Mike had a soft expression on his face, but he looked at him with something in his eyes that he couldn’t quite place. Tenderness? Fondness? Maybe a combination of the two? He cleared his throat, Mike was expecting an answer. The one thing he had avoided this whole time came back to bite him.
“Well,” he stepped closer to Mike, “it was something of a confession. Something I had been meaning to tell you for a long time.” The rage he’d felt had subsided into something softer. He felt a shy smile appear on his face. For some reason now that he was standing in front of Mike, confessing didn’t seem that scary anymore. He could tell Mike everything that was in the letter and more.
“What is it?” Mike said softly. Harvey took a deep breath. This time there was actually no turning back. No pen and paper he could hide behind this time. He had to tell Mike what he was so scared to tell him in the beginning. Everything would change from here on out. The words cascaded out of his mouth–once he started, he just couldn’t stop.
“Well, to say the least is that my heart has been captured by you. You have left a Mike shaped hole inside my heart. I can’t even go to sleep without thoughts of you playing. Your laugh sounds like a symphony to me. The sound of your voice is something I look forward to hearing every day. I can’t go shopping without thinking of what you would like from any store I walk into. Not one minute passes where I’m not thinking of you. I can’t help it. Not to mention that you’re stunningly handsome. I could take a million pictures of you and it still wouldn’t be enough. They still wouldn’t capture your beauty the way I see it. I love the way your handwriting appears in the margins of documents like you’ve run out of space. I love the way you’ll find a new song and listen to it on repeat for weeks straight. I could go on forever about my love for you Mike and I still wouldn’t run out of things to say.. I love everything about you Mike. I can’t imagine a life without you. That’s what was in the letter I sent you last christmas.” Harvey exhaled shakily. One of, if not the most, terrifying things he had ever done. He looked at Mike and saw something unfamiliar on his face, a new wall that wasn’t there before. A piece of Harvey’s heart shattered inside him.
“Harvey, I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to think about all this.” Mike said uncertainly. He shifted his weight from side to side.
So it wasn’t an acceptance, but it wasn’t a rejection either. Harvey felt the glimmer of hope grow into something bigger. He desperately didn’t want this moment to end.
“Let me show you.” He blurted out. If he could just show Mike what he could have, maybe that could help convince him. He wanted to give Mike the Harvey Specter treatment. Show him what it was like to be loved by him. Mike blinked at him. Those bright blue eyes stared at him expectantly. Harvey stepped closer to Mike.
“Let me give you the Harvey Specter special. I’ll pull out all the stops for you.” He said softly. Mike gave him a shy smile.
“That- that sounds great,” Mike said in an equally soft tone, “What’s included in the Harvey Specter special? I’m curious.” His smile grew as he spoke.
Harvey stepped closer still, he was close enough to touch him. With bravery flowing through his veins he gently took one of Mike’s hands in his own. His hand was soft and warm. He experimentally ran a thumb over his knuckles. Mike squeezed his hand in response.
“Well, I was thinking about dinner at One if by Land, Two if by Sea, and then maybe a drink or two, either with dinner or somewhere else. And then I’ll take you home. We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, okay?” Harvey said calmly. On the inside, anxiety pulsed beneath his skin. He wanted this to work out so bad. He was willing to do whatever it took to keep Mike with him. He didn’t want to let go. Not yet.
Dinner was a quiet affair. The nervousness initially had melted away the longer he spent in Mike’s presence. They chatted aimlessly. Harvey tried to keep work off the table, but it managed to get brought up briefly anyways. When the check came, Harvey graciously took it. He didn’t even let Mike attempt to pick it up. He batted his hand away and said something about the Harvey Specter special. They got drinks with dinner so it felt moot to go somewhere else.
In the car on the way to Mike’s, Harvey reached out for Mike’s hand. Their pinkies touched and Harvey felt honest to god sparks. Mike looked over at him with a smile that made him melt. Mike had intertwined their hands together. It felt so real, so natural. Like the only place Mike’s hand belonged was in his.
The best part of the evening by far was the tender kiss shared after Harvey had dropped Mike off at his apartment. Their lips met and Harvey had never had a kiss like that one. He tried to make it last as long as he could. He never wanted this moment to end. He wanted Mike’s lips on his every hour, minute, second, of the day. A million kisses from him wouldn’t even be enough. When Mike broke the kiss, he’d pulled back and gazed at Harvey with a softness in his eyes Harvey had never seen before.
“See you tomorrow puppy.” Harvey had said, with nothing but love in his tone. His hand cradled Mike’s head. He pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth. He watched as Mike looked over his shoulder on his way inside. He gave him a wave from where he stood on the sidewalk. Before he knew it, the night had come to an end.
As he lay in bed, Harvey’s fingers ghosted over his lips. He felt like he could still taste Mike, could still feel his lips pressed against his. His lips still tingled from the kiss. This night had gone so perfectly. It played over and over in his head as he drifted off to sleep.
–
Harvey stood in the elevator. His leather briefcase hung at his side. After months of despair, he could finally see light at the end of the tunnel. He could see his future and for the first time it was finally bright. There was a spring in his step as he walked to his office. He smiled to himself as last night came up in his memories. He glanced at the breakroom and he stopped in his tracks. His smile dropped to the floor along with his heart.
It was Mike. And Rachel. He watched in absolute horror as he cradled her head and pressed his lips to hers. Harvey wanted to throw up. His blood ran cold, but he couldn’t tear himself away from the scene. They pulled away and Rachel said something. Mike nodded in response. Harvey’s heart faltered. His eyes burned with unreleased tears. He couldn’t take this. How had he let that small spark of hope fan into something so huge? Everything he had repressed this year crashed over him in full force. It took every ounce of strength in him to not let tears roll down his cheeks. He grit his teeth. It burned on his tongue, asking to be released. Without a second thought he forced himself to walk to the breakroom. Something had broken in him and it wasn’t just his heart. Rage pulsed through his veins melting the ice that had formed. Everything that he had felt for Mike this year burned away with unbridled rage. Mike couldn’t spend an evening with him, kiss him, and then come into work the next day and throw it all away. Pretend like nothing happened for her.
“Mike, my office. Now.” He said, barely being able to contain his rage. Mike jumped away from Rachel, visibly startled by the intrusion.
“Oh, um-” Mike started.
“Now.” Harvey cut him off. Without another thought he made his way to his office. If he had to look at the two of them any longer he would have lost it. More than he already has. He was furious. At himself, and at Mike. At this point he was startled by a terrifying comparison. If Mike was still with Rachel, then he technically cheated on her with him. Harvey was the other woman. The breakfast he had eaten earlier threatened to come up. He really was no better than Lily. He swallowed the bile down.
Mike came into his office shortly after he did. He seemed anxious. Harvey didn’t care.
“What’s up?” He said as he shifted from foot to foot. There was somewhat of a smile on his face. Harvey curled his hand into a fist. How could he smile at a time like this, or after what he did? Mike had taken everything away from him. He could do the same.
“You’re fired.” He said coldly. He watched as Mike’s anxiousness dissolved into shock.
“What? What did I do?” He asked desperately.
“Don’t tell me you didn’t see this coming. How could we keep you on as someone who didn’t even go to law school? Someone that doesn’t even have a real degree. To be fair, we have kept you here much longer than we should have,” he couldn’t keep the malice out of his voice. “Turn your badge in and clean your desk out. I expect it to be done before lunch.” He spared a glance at Mike.
“What? Harvey, please. I need this job. I need y-” Mike pleaded with him. Harvey cut him off.
“Don’t try to fight me on this. Get your shit, and go.” The finality of his words hung in the air. Harvey forced himself to stare at the laptop. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Mike, it was too painful. He barely even heard him leave.
The silence in his office was deafening. He was alone with nothing but his emotions. The weight of them was unbearable. He sat down hard in his chair and dropped his head into his hands. He tried to will away the burning sensation behind his eyes. A few escaped, and he wiped them away harshly. He couldn’t cry in his office. What would people think if the great Harvey Specter had a breakdown? He cleared his throat and slipped his mask back on. More tears leaked from his eyes. They rolled down his cheeks and dropped onto his suit. He wondered if tears would come out of Tom Ford. It didn’t matter, he would never wear this suit again. He didn’t even want to step foot in this office again. At first it was just the Elvin Bishop album that Mike had tainted, but now it was everything. Mike had invaded every inch of his life, his job, his mind, his condo– there were memories like shards of glass that covered every single place, every single thing, every single person in Harvey’s life. How was he supposed to move on? How was he supposed to recover from the devastating blow Mike had dealt him?
His eyes drifted to the corner of his computer. The date taunted him. It was December 23rd. Merry fucking Christmas to him.
Alinanvjsmom Thu 01 Jan 2026 07:16AM UTC
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