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I set the note down on the coffee table with shaking hands. This is it, my final message to my best friend, my brother.
I can’t help but feel it’s so fucking cold and practical. Just like I’ve always been.
I can’t rewrite it now, though. I clutch my luggage closer to my chest and hurry out of my house (Fipp and I’s house, my brain unhelpfully supplies). I didn’t pack much, only the necessities. I grabbed all my money as well.
I stepped out of the doorway, the cool wind blowing into my face making me shiver, but it also felt freeing in a way I didn’t know it could. I gripped my suitcase harder and hurried into the town.
I kept my eyes in front of me the whole time, not wanting to look back. I can’t look back. I can’t look back and see the memories of the people I loved, the memories of those who loved me.
I hurried up and didn’t stop until I almost ran someone over. I stopped at the last second and nearly tripped, dropping my suitcases and bags. “Shit— sorry—“ I breathed out, stumbling to try and regain my balance.
I didn’t hear anything back so I slowly looked up, shocked to see Little Sally peering up at me. I opened my mouth to say something, but the words got stuck in my throat.
I’d never really known Little Sally. Sure, I’d run into her once or twice when I was sent out to tell of new fee hikes or other announcements, but I never spoke to her directly. I tried to limit my contact with the poor as much as possible. Except for Harry, but he was technically my brother.
Lockstock spoke highly of her, though. He’d get defensive whenever she was brought up and I’d never seen the man so paternal until I saw him hanging around Sally. Due to that, I had a baseline respect and protective instinct for her. Plus, she’s 8, not like she could’ve done much bad that young.
“Mr. McQueen?” She asked cautiously, clutching her stuffed bunny to her chest. That thing was filthy, and it was missing an arm, I noticed. I opened and closed my mouth a few times before nodding dumbly.
“Call me Ryder, dear.” If she heard my voice crack, she didn’t say anything.
She furrowed her brows at me and I thought she kind of looked like an angry cat. “Where were you going, Mr. Ryder? I thought you and Hope were going to talk about your new ideas for the town?” She asked innocently, yet somehow also accusingly. “And Penny wanted to speak to you.”
Crap. I forgot about that! I forgot I had responsibilities, even with Cladwell gone. (I want a break. I don’t want to be buried in piles and piles of paperwork anymore, forced to read each death and their crimes in horrid detail. Something so small resulted in a horror so unimaginable. I just want a break. Please.)
I took a moment to gather myself, slowly rounding up the bags I had dropped. “I was…uhm…going to Theodore’s! My house is rather empty after…everything.” I kept my gaze firmly on my backpack, my knuckles white around the straps.
Little Sally looked confused. “Theodore’s?”
I finally made eye contact with her, her eyes were dull. It reminded me of myself, in a way. “Officer Lockstock. His first name is Theodore,” I clarified, clearing my throat.
“Okay,” Little Sally said softly. “So…you weren’t going to run away?” She asked suspiciously. I stared at her for a moment before sighing. A little white lie never hurt anyone.
“No, Little Sally, I was not. I just needed to be with a friend. These are rough times, aren’t they?” I’d never been good with children, I wasn’t sure how to speak with them. I finally gathered my things and set them in front of me.
Little Sally nodded slowly, eyeing my bags on the floor. “I get that. I’m gonna miss Bobby…I used to sleep at his house but I can’t do that to Old Ma Strong. She isn’t doing too well…” Tears welled up in the little girl’s eyes and I felt both bad and awkward.
I’m not quite sure how I feel about Josephine. She’s always been a bit odd to me. She would always try and strike up a conversation with me whenever I was in the bad part of town. Nice lady, though. It was awful to hear that she was struggling.
I slowly crouched down and placed a hand on her shoulder. “It’s alright, dear,” I mumbled, unsure of what else to say. I’ve never been good at comforting people.
Before I could muster up some cliche about how everything will be okay, Little Sally started sobbing. Tears streamed down her cheeks and I hesitated before stepping over my luggage and hugging her gently. I was tense and unsure of what to do, but Little Sally figured that out quickly. She buried her head in my chest and I wrapped my arms around her more firmly. That seemed to be the right move.
I slowly guided us over to a small bench and sat her down, my hands tense and awkward as I gently pet her hair.
“It’s all my fault!” Sally cries, her hands accidentally smacking me as she shakes them. I gently grabbed her wrists and set them in her lap, keeping one arm around her. “They’re all gonna die and it’s all my fault!—“ she started sobbing louder and I felt ill.
God, she sounds like me. She sounded like my thoughts while I was packing. That guilt? That blame you place solely on yourself? All the doubt and hatred you keep bottled up because it hurts to talk about it? Jesus fuck, she’s eight.
I swallowed thickly and pulled her closer. “It’s not your fault. Don’t worry, dear. Do you…do you want me to get Lockstock?” I asked quietly. Staring into her teary eyes, I saw myself. I saw a version of me that I kept locked up, a version of me no one had ever seen besides Theodore and Isaac. I just held her tighter. So, so young.
How could she be so young yet have that same haunted look I’ve always tried to hide? Why did this poor angel have to be so beaten down by a world that was supposed to protect her? I’ve read her files, I know she’s an orphan. I know she has nowhere to go. I see myself in her and it hurts. It hurts so much.
Little Sally shook her head and clutched onto my arm. Her nails were beginning to hurt, but I didn’t say anything. I was at a loss, so I began humming.
I don’t remember what the song is, but I remember Penny humming it when I would get overwhelmed with the amount of work I had that day. I remember her humming it while watching the poor struggle to get enough money for the day. I don’t think she even realized she did it. But I remembered, I’d listen and feel at home. I’m glad Penny is my mother.
Oh god, what was I thinking?! Running away? Did I actually think I’d be any happier in Brazil? Did I actually think running away would help anything? I thought leaving my family would be better? I’m such an idiot.
I slowly remembered the lyrics, rubbing Little Sally’s back. She seemed to be calming down.
“Blackbird singing in the dead of night…”
Little Sally curled further into my arms and I rested my head on hers.
“Take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life…”
“You were only waiting for this moment to arise.”
She stirred in recognition and sleepily mumbled along with me. I smiled and relaxed slightly. Poor Sally.
I continued humming and Little Sally slowly fell asleep. Once I was sure she was out, I picked her up and kicked my luggage aside to keep it safe before heading to Theodore’s house.
I knocked on his door the best I could with a little girl in my arms, and the door opened almost immediately.
Theodore stared at me, then Little Sally. “Hey Ryder,” he said slowly. I muttered a greeting and gestured into his house with my head. He nodded and I entered, immediately going to set Little Sally down on the couch. Once she was settled, I stood up and turned to Theodore.
“What the hell?” Is the first thing he asks.
I rubbed my temples. “I ran into her while I was leaving. She asked me where I was going and…” I trailed off, trying not to shrink in on myself at the glare Theodore was giving me.
“Where were you going?” He asked.
“You don’t understand, I had to get out of here—“
“Ryder.”
“I’m sorry Theodore I just couldn’t—“
“Ryder.”
“I couldn’t handle it! I can’t handle losing Isaac and Fipp and Caldwell and Billeaux— and everyone else! But I’m not going to run anymore, you have to understand! I realized how stupid that was. I can’t leave you and mother and…and Sally. I’m sorry, Theodore. I really am.”
He looked taken aback. I guess I’d never really been that honest with him. Sure, he knew how stressed and angry I could get, but I’d never really told him how I felt, not what I really felt, anyway.
Theodore said nothing and pulled me into a hug. I sniffled and buried my face in his shoulder, letting myself cry. I tried to keep it down in order to not wake Little Sally but it was difficult.
“It’s okay, Ryder. I’ve got you…” Theodore whispered. I just bit my lip to keep from sobbing and held him tighter.
“I’m sorry— I’m so so sorry Theo..”
“I know, I know. It’s alright. Everything’s going to be alright. Don’t worry.”
I’m glad I didn’t run.