Chapter Text
It all started with a single statement. A string of words, which, seemingly meaningless, made one Kyle Broflovski completely lose his marbles.
It was the last day of spring break, a day two teenage boys could only be spending one way - playing video games and stuffing their mouths with chips. Stan Marsh was sitting on his bed, mindlessly clicking the buttons on his console, not really paying attention to neither the game, nor his visibly fuming more with each second companion.
“That fat piece of shit!” peace and quiet didn’t last for long, as Kyle finally erupted.
“Dude, not this again” sighed Stan, who did in fact enjoy the silence, which got so unapologetically ripped away from him just then.
“No, I’m telling you Stan” Kyle did not falter at his friend’s obvious disapproval for the upcoming rant, in fact it seemed to only fuel him more. “This is the last time I’m tolerating his stupid antics. Can you believe what he said after everything we went through?” Clearly waiting for Stan to ask him about it, Kyle did a dramatic pause. The interragation did not come, however, as all his friend did was continue to play the game, trying to ignore the angry redhead. Once again the cold response, or more so the lack of one, did not stop him.
“All I did was to call him a butt-fucker, something I do all the fucking time by the way and what did he do? He laughed Stan. Laughed about how I am the one who got fucking AIDS from another guy, so how is he the one fucking butts. Can you believe the audacity of this fat fuck? Joking about AIDS is not fucking funny, it’s ignorant and dumb. And this idiot had it himself, shouldn’t he know any better? AIDS is a serious medical condition that has taken millions of lives and continues to affect real people today. When people joke about it, they’re showing how little they understand and how little they care. Do you know how many gay people died from this? The illness he too fucking had? It’s beyond homophobic and simply uneducated to joke about serious stuff like this! What is wrong with him?!”
“Kyle, you don’t care about gay people.” Stan deadpanned.
“Well, I do now!”
“No you don’t. You care about talking my ears off about some dumb shit Cartman did or said every time we hang out. And that’s when I don’t have to listen to you two actually arguing with each other. It’s always “Cartman this, Cartman that, God how I hate Cartman, Stan did you hear what Cartman said this time, blah blah blah Cartman”, fuck dude, you’re like, obsessed with him.”
Kyle felt as if someone just poured a bucket full of ice over his head. Obsessed. Him. With Eric fucking Cartman. Kyle wondered if his intense monologue had sent him into a stroke and he’s now hearing things. Because there is absolutely no way that his best friend just implied what he thinks he did. “What are you trying to say?” he asked cautiously.
“Exactly what I just did.” came the annoyed response “And it’s not just you. Both of you, always talking about the other, acting oh so pissed off, when in reality, if you two truly did hate each other all that much, you would’ve stopped being friends long ago.”
“We’re not friends-” Kyle’s protest was quickly shut down.
“Well then why do you keep inviting him to do shit? Why do you even still talk to the guy? Neither me nor Kenny interact with him anymore, it’s because of you and your weird obsession that we are still forced to put up with him. Think about it, when was the last time any of us expressed any desire to hang out with the fatass? It’s all you.”
Kyle didn’t believe a single word that came out of his friend’s mouth. He was being stupid, there’s no way that Kyle could ever even tolerate Eric Cartman, let alone be obsessed with him. Sure, he did argue with the boy a lot, but that’s only because Cartman was the one pushing his buttons. And yeah, maybe he did talk about him all the time, but that was because the other annoyed him so much he just had to let it all out. What was so hard to understand about that? He told Stan exactly that, his voice carrying maybe just a little bit too much defensiveness.
“Sure Kyle, sure. I just don’t want to be the one who has to hear it every time. It got old like, ten years ago.”
“You’re acting as if I can’t go a single day without mentioning him”. The blank stare he had gotten in response almost made Kyle retreat. “What? I totally can!”
Stan sighed for what felt like a millionth time during the past ten minutes, his eyes returning to the game he had abandoned previously. “I’m just saying, it would’ve been a miracle if you didn’t talk to him for a few days. If you could make it to one week, I would just have to start believing in God.”
That made gears inside of Kyle’s brain start turning.
“What if…” he started “Instead of converting, you could just, I dunno… pay me fifty bucks?” Stan looked at him, a bit curious, but mostly understanding where his friend was going with this.
“Are you proposing a bet right now?” he asked.
“Sure, why not. One week of me not uttering a single word about Eric Cartman, in exchange for some money. Deal?”
“You would have to start ignoring him completely to make it worth fifty bucks. I need something to pay off all the pain killers your arguments cost me, don’t underestimate the headaches you two give me when you’re together.”
Kyle just rolled his eyes and his friend’s dramatics. He could already feel the crumpling of the fifty dollar bill underneath his fingers. There is absolutely no way that he could ever lose a bet like this. Not having to interact with his sworn enemy for a whole week? It would’ve been pure bliss, rather than anything else. Stan was honestly so dumb, basically giving his money away for free. Kyle held out his hand towards the letter and they shook on it.
“Deal.”