Chapter Text
September 18th
The flat smelled faintly damp and suffocating, the kind of place that absorbed everything and gave nothing back. Limping his way into the living room, where the constant dripping of his sink that his landlord was yet to fix, Remus turned on the radio, letting out a dragging sigh, closing his eyes, and listened to the weightless melody of Dreams by the Cranberries.
“Now coming up just in a moment ‘The Marauders’ hit song Throne. As of late there has been an uproar in the fandom, as well as legal issues as the bass guitarist we know as Benjy Fenwick has unexpectedly left the band. From what we now know Fenwick had stolen songs and sold them to opposing record company Godric Records. Of course the fans are heartbroken, and so are we, so to lighten up the mood for all the fans listening, this is Throne…”
The opening riff of the song sounded, Remus’ stomach twisted. The song filled the flat, letting the electrical sounds consume everything around him. For a moment he just listened, jaw tightening, Remus was swallowed by a mix of envy and admiration, as he always did when he heard one of their songs. And being a band as well known as they are, he felt this way often, sometimes feeling like he could never escape them.
When he heard them he could feel the memories of what he lost, almost as if he was back there, late nights in the dorm, sneaking out to get cheap beer in the local village, hushed secrets and stolen kisses.
He got up and turned the radio off. Taking out a cigarette lighting it and inhaling it as if it would help fill the aching cavity in his chest.
—
Later that night, the low hum of the pub was always a great comfort to Remus, though he didn’t earn much he felt a sense of ease here. The regulars nursed their pints in the silence and the occasional cheer of small groups who came in to watch whatever game was playing, drowning out the music that was almost a white noise to Remus at this point. It was the simple repetition of each shift, each night the same as the last. Standing behind the bar polishing various glasses, barely noticing the sound of the people who came in and out, not unless they came up to the counter to order their drinks.
He hadn't noticed the three people who came in through the door, he hadn’t noticed them sit down at a table towards the back corner in the low lighting, and he hadn't noticed the man who came up to the counter until he heard the sound of someone clearing his throat.
“Sorry their mate, could I just grab 2 pints and a coke.” The voice sounded casual and cool like someone who was unbothered by the world.
Remus turned, rag still in his hand, and froze, stuck to the spot. For a moment he thought he was seeing things, until the eyes of the man in front of him locked with his. It was him. Sirius Black. Remus, for a second thought this was some kind of cruel joke, or maybe even a trick of the light, all he could do was stare, throat tightening, heart thundering.
He saw the moment on Sirius' face when recognition dawned on who was standing in front of him, eyes widening, smirk faltering. Remus felt the weight of the past 6 years come crashing down onto him, for a beat no one moved, no one spoke, and Remus was sure he had stopped breathing.
“Remus?...”
Remus stepped back, hitting the counter behind him, he didn’t know what to say or what to do, his chest rapidly tightening. He thinks he might have muttered something or maybe he didn’t, all he knew was that he was behind the doors of the back room, out of sight leaning against the wall, chest heaving, trying to catch a breath. ‘What the fuc-, what the actual fuck just happened’ he thought.
*
Sirius stood there in complete shock, eyes squinting with a look of confused contemplation fixed to his face as he walked back to his table. For a moment he just stood there completely and utterly lost for words.
“Ooo you’re bac- where are the drinks?” Peter questioned suddenly, he looked to Sirius and turned to James subtly nodding towards Sirius.
James turned to fix his gaze on Sirius’ “Um… Pads? You alright?”.
Sirius was very fucking confused to say the least. He opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. He took a breath “Can we leave?”
“Leave? But we just got here-”
James elbowed Peter, “yeah of course mate…”
The boys all got up, trailing behind Sirius. For a moment he quickly took a glance back towards the bar in hopes of catching a glance of Remus, but to no luck. He was gone.
Outside the bar the crisp feel of the mid September air hit Sirius, finally feeling like he could take in a real breath. The boys all jumped into their car parked just down the street. Sirius could feel James eyes’ on him as they drove.
“Will you watch the road, please?” irritation plastered his voice.
“Ok, well can you please explain what just happened?” James' voice was laced in concern and confusion.
“Um… Remus was there.” James’ head snapped to Sirius, and Peter sat up urgently.
“What do you mean Remus was there, where? At the pub?” Sirius nodded.
“Are you sure it was Remus, like, our Remus, maybe it was someone else.” Peter added now leaning against the centre console.
Sirius shook his head, eyes fixed ahead of him. “Nope, it was him, he sorta… ran away when I noticed him.” Sirius let out a chuckle “typical right.” he huffed.
Silence ran through the car, Peter slumped back into his seat “welp. At least we know he’s not dead.”
“What the fuck Pete!”
—
The rest of the ride back to Sirius & James’ place after dropping Peter home was silent. Sirius let himself in first and went straight upstairs to his room. It felt colder than usual, sitting in the dark lit cigarette between his fingers, he tried to recount the night and collect his thoughts, picturing the look on Remus’ face, full of shock and fear. He felt the rip of an old wound open in his chest, all of the years he’s spent hating him, wondering what had happened and why he had left him, disappearing off the face of the earth with no word or goodbye. Remus had broken his heart, and it took so much to put himself back together.
Sirius decides in that moment, that tomorrow he would go back to the pub and confront Remus, he needed answers, an explanation, if at least a fucking apology. And he would get it. Stubbing out his cigarette, Sirius laid back into his bed, knowing he would be in for a sleepless night of tossing and turning.
September 19th
Sirius stood outside the dingy pub, nervous to walk in. He shook his head ‘you're being ridiculous Sirius’ he thought as he pushed through the door immediately looking towards the bar where no Remus to be seen. Scanning the almost deserted pub he spotted a head of brown curly hair leaning over a table scribbling in a book. Taking a breath he slowly trudges forward, each step feeling heavier than the last. He catches a moment to watch Remus, taking him in, despite the hatred and resentment he’s felt for this man for all these years, he can’t help but be captivated by him all the same.
Grabbing hold of a chair he pulls it out and takes a seat. Remus looked up with a huff, an annoyed expression on his face until the recognition hit him, Remus quickly drew his gaze away from Sirius.
“Mind if I sit?” Sirius asked with a smug tone.
Remus looked back at him, “You’re already sitting.” His tone clipt.
Sirius shrugged leaning back in the chair, arms crossed over his body, he took a minute to study Remus. Remus looked much the same as he did when he was 15, though taller (if that was even possible), his skin pale and freckles still covered his cheeks, his eyes the same green hazel that sparkled with flecks of gold, though they brought about a tiredness to Remus’ face, with dark circles that indicated many sleepless nights. What caught Sirius’ attention was the scars that littered his face, some coming down his eyebrow, over the bridge of his nose and down his cheek, another cut through his lip.
“So… funny seeing you here?”
“I work here.” Remus replied with an incredulous look.
There was a beat of silence, Sirius trying to keep a cool exterior, while feeling his heart beating in his ears. “Yeah, well…”
“What do you want, Sirius?” irritation laced his voice.
Sirius scoffed “What do I want!? What do I-Six. Fucking. Years Remus.”
Remus turned away, guilt clear on his face. “Look… Sirius, I’m really fucking sorry- I didn’t mean to just disapear like I did-but you need to understand… something happened…” Remus’s eyes closed, taking in a shaky breath.
Sirius rolled his eyes, “Yeah, ok sure.”
Remus looked at him with a pained expression “I swear to god, Sirius, I tried, I really really did. You have no idea how much it hurt to think I’d never see you- or the others ever again-” Sirius cut him off sitting up straight in his chair.
“I have no idea huh. Seriously Remus, what did you think I did when you never came back! You didn't think it would have broken my heart too?”
Remus looked at him for a moment as Sirius studied him. He’s angry at him, for it all. But looking back into those eyes, the same ones he first saw when he was 11, he couldn’t bring himself to push him away now that he had found him again. All the years of hating him and yet he never stopped caring for him. Sirius looked up, and took in a deep breath to calm down, hands coming up to run through his hair.
“Ok look, James and Pete… they want to see you, and I-we-we’re having dinner at mine and James’ tonight. You should come.”
Remus stared dumbfounded. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“It’s just diner Remus, please come.”
A few moments of silence passed between them. “Yeah… ok.”
Sirius smiled gently, grabbing a napkin and stealing the pen out of Remus hands, scribbling down his address.
“Here” handing back the pen and napkin, Sirius stood and Remus looked up at him “7 o'clock." At that Sirius turned and hastily left the pub, praying that he’d just done the right thing.
—
*
Remus arrived outside of Sirius and James’ Soho flat situated on a quiet street. There was a stark contrast that Remus couldn’t help but notice between these buildings compared to Remus’ small flat in Hackney. Standing outside the door Remus hesitated before knocking, trying to convince himself that this wasn’t a bad idea, that this was the right thing to do.
But he knocked nonetheless and after a short moment he was greeted with James’ wide smile, and before Remus knew it he was engulfed in a warm encompassing hug. “Holy fucking shit! Ya know when Sirius first said he saw you in the pub, I honestly thought he was full of shit.” James was beaming and Remus couldn’t help but feel an unfamiliar warmth through his body, something akin to family.
James led Remus in through the flat and down to the main room. There, setting the table, was a woman with bright red hair that he’d know anywhere. Lily. She turned around when she heard them come in. Immediately she caught Remus’ eyes, moving faster than expected; practically flying into his arms holding him ever possibly close. “You idiot,” she whispered, pulling back but still clutching tight to Remus, her eyes brimming with tears.
“I’m sorry.” He whispered back softly, pulling her in for another hug. In school Lily was Remus’ first real friend. Yes he had Sirius, James and Peter, but if he’s honest, they annoyed the shit out of him for half of that first year. Lily was always the one he would talk to when upset, or angry, or confused. She was the first person he told about having feelings for Sirius.
Remus moved to Peter next “Good to see you.”
“Uhg don’t be stupid Remus.” Peter laughed before pulling him into another warm hug. He doesn’t think he’s been hugged this much since he was a child.
The sound of bounding feet came running down the stairs and into the room. “Remus? You actually came!” Sirius stood in the archway. He was dressed in the same black jeans ripped at the knee adorned with a dark grey Radiohead t-shirt, his hair was tied back into a loose messy bun, and on his feet a pair of fuzzy red socks. He was so perfectly himself Remus smiling at him softly.
The night went on in a calm rhythm, Remus enjoying the first good meal he’s had in years. They spent the time recounting stories of their school days, James rambling on endlessly about Lily mostly. Remus was truly shocked to find out they were dating, but nonetheless he was so incredibly happy for them. Sirius largely kept quiet over the evening only chiming in occasionally, stealing silent glances towards him. Remus still thought Sirius was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.
—
Time slipped away unnoticed. As the clock was nearing 1. Peter had gone home as he lived just down the street, and Remus grabbed his things to head out as well.
“Woah, woah, woah, you” James said pointing at Remus, “are staying here. The couch is free, it’s too late to be wondering about by yourself at this hour.”
Remus went to protest but James was too quick. “No arguments Remus Lupin! I swear to god just take the damn couch.” Remus let out a huff but accepted the offer, Lily handing him a blanket and pillow with a kiss to the cheek.
“Goodnight Remus.” She smiled.
“Night, Lily.” He gave her a soft smile back before she retreated up to her room, laying down he let sleep take over.
—
Broken glass was under him, he could feel it sticking out of his hands, there was a warm trickle of something dripping down his body, screams could be heard, pain was coursing through his body, he tried to get up, tried to save them, but he couldn’t move his legs, he tried to yell back, he screamed for help.
A sudden jolt woke him from his sleep, gasping for breath, and shaking all over, his heart pounding a hundred miles an hour. The pain in his right leg radiated through him as Remus lay back down to try and catch his breath, slowly but surely calming down. Creeping into the kitchen, flicking on the light of a small table lamp, grabbing a glass of water and his book from his bag, sinking into a chair he continued scribbling, trying to distract his mind.
Remus didn’t notice the sound of soft footsteps padding into the kitchen. “Couldn’t sleep either?” Remus startled at the sound of Sirius’ voice. He closed his book and turned.
“Sorry… Did I wake you?”
“No.” Sirius walked to the fridge to pour himself a glass of water, sipping it slowly as he leaned back on the counter.
“Why are you up this late?” Sirius asks with a tilt of his head. Remus doesn’t respond, the images of his nightmare flashing through his mind.
Sirius eyes him sceptically. “Earlier at the pub… you said something happened, but… I don’t get why you never came back to school. And listen, you don’t have to tell me anything… but, I’m guessing there’s more to what happened, and if you're anything like you were when we were kids, you're keeping it all bottled up inside.” Remus stared at him, his hands starting to tremble, “I just… I want you to know you can tell me anything. I know that I’m still angry with you but… I hope you can understand why.”
“Yeah. I’m not really sure I want to talk about it though.” Remus looked down at his shaking hands.
"Want to watch something on the tv instead?” Remus nodded.
Back on the couch they sat next to each other almost close enough to touch. Flicking on the tv, the low volume filling the space, side by side the boys sat in silence with only the occasional chuckles Sirius would let out at whatever late night show was on.
“Hey Sirius?” Remus said quietly, almost at a whisper, turning his head to look at him.
“Yeah?” Sirius whispered back.
“I just wanted to say… I heard about what happened to Regulus. And I’m so sorry, I wish I could’ve been there for you.” Remus said earnestly.
Sirius turned his head to face Remus, a sad and regretful look in his eyes. “Yea-” Sirius' voice cracked. “Thank you Rem.”
Remus smiled hearing the nickname and slowly his eyes grew heavy, gradually fluttering shut, and leaning his head back on the couch, as he drifted off into a peaceful sleep.
*
September 20th
Sirius awoke to the smell of coffee, and toast. He noticed a weight on his shoulder, looking down to find Remus asleep with his head resting there. Sirius' heart skipped a beat. Gently he lifted Remus’ head off his shoulder, careful not to wake him, letting him gently fall back onto the couch as he pulled the blanket up to his shoulders.
Walking into the kitchen, Lily and James moved around mumbling good mornings to Sirius. He sat himself down at the kitchen counter with a cup of coffee, stretching his back and neck, feeling a low pain and stiffness from a night of sleeping upright on the couch.
“Sleep alright?” James asked, noticing.
“Yeah fine, fell asleep on the couch though.”
“The couch you say.” James said, waggling his eyebrows at Sirius.
“Oh shut up. We just talked, watched some tv and fell asleep.” Sirius said with an unbothered shrug.
“Mhmm.” Sirius rolled his eyes at James.
A few moments later Remus walked into the kitchen. Lily handing him a cup of coffee and offering him some breakfast.
“Oh, um, I should really get going actually.” His voice was quiet. Sirius trained his gaze onto Remus, a little disappointed that he’s leaving so soon.
“Wait,” James called to him, “Put your number into our phones. You’re not going anywhere this time.” James smiled at him handing his phone over to Remus.
Sirius got up next to walk to Remus, “Here” he said, handing him his phone, Remus looked up to him reluctantly, taking it and adding his number. Sirius took his phone back with the hint of a smile on his face. “Please don’t disappear again.”
“Well, not that it was my fault the first time.” Remus said, Sirius gave him a pointed look. A moment passed between them “I won’t. I promise.” For a moment the two of them stood there, Sirius felt a deep underlying fear that if Remus walked out that door he’d never see him again. Remus looked him pointedly in the eyes “I promise Sirius.” and in that moment Sirius took a step and wrapped his arms around him. Remus stood frozen for a second, until Srius could feel his body relax and he threw his arms around Sirius as well. The hug lasted maybe a second longer than normal and Sirius released him, said his goodbyes, and watched as Remus walked out the door.
Sirius would never let him disappear again.