Chapter Text
June 20th 6:30 p.m
Shinichi stared out at the city. It was shining brilliantly in the setting sun. The tower where all of this had started so many months ago was tauntingly beautiful. He shivered, remembering that night more clearly than he ever wanted to. He remembered the way that his ribs had ached and how his head had been throbbing in pain. He remembered the way that Connor’s smile looked. He remembered what it felt like to not know the man. To not understand exactly what he was capable of. He remembered exactly how terrified he’d been. How his bruises had ached after being tossed around like a ragdoll.
It was odd, to think about how willing he was to die for the people he cared about. Worse, how willing he was to hurt other people just to protect them. He had ruined people’s lives, killed people, just because of his own selfishness. Just because he couldn’t bear to let the people he loved get hurt. Every time he thought about it, he felt like throwing up. He was just as bad as Connor when it came down to it.
The wind picked up, ruffling his hair. It was too long now. He needed to get it cut. He let his feet swing as he looked out across the skyline again. He was sitting on the edge of the balcony with Megure beside him. Neither one of them said anything. They’d said all there was to say.
He hadn’t really been sure what he was expecting when he knocked on Inspector Megure’s door that afternoon. He felt terrible really. It was the man’s first day off in almost a month and here Shinichi had come to ruin it.
Megure hadn’t been too surprised to see him. He had gently chastised him for leaving the Mouri’s without telling them where he was going, but he’d invited the boy inside. Midori was out and so it was just the two of them. Megure sat down on the couch across from the armchair he motioned the boy towards. They had just finished a cup of tea when Shinichi started explaining why he was there.
Megure had met his eyes, “You want me to arrest you?”
“You know Connor keeps making comments about an accomplice.” Shinichi had looked away, shame eating its way up his spine. ”I’m the person he’s talking about.”
“Conan…” Megure said. “You weren’t an accomplice. You were a victim. You’re a child, and-”
And whatever else he was about to say didn’t matter because Shinichi had to stop that before he misunderstood.
“But I’m not.” He said.
“What?” Megure asked, confused but not unkind.
“I’m not a child.” Shinichi said, still not meeting the man’s eyes.
The detective raised his eyebrows. “I’m not sure what you mean.”
Shinichi felt his heart pounding in his throat. He had to get through this. He’d already told Ran and Old Man Kogoro, he could tell Megure. He needed to tell Megure, or else he wouldn’t understand and Shinichi would be allowed to get out of any consequences for his actions. He would be no better than all of the murderers he’d caught-
He forced himself to take a deep breath, closed his eyes, and managed to convince himself to speak. “I know that it sounds crazy. I need you to believe me anyway. Please.”
“You can tell me.” Megure said, because he never made a promise he couldn’t keep. “Whatever it is, we’ll figure it out together okay?
So he did. He forced himself to explain everything. From the first night he’d woken up small, to all the times he’d almost caught up to the Black Organization, and then finally to how Irish had managed to track him down. Then he explained everything from the last four months, how he’d faked his own death and how he’d planned the assassinations of more than a dozen people and ruined the lives of countless more. How he’d done it all because he was afraid and cowardly and selfish.
Megure hadn’t interrupted. Even though the whole story had taken more than an hour to tell. And eventually, once all of the words had come out and Shinichi found himself crossed somewhere between panting and sobbing, he’d reached out and placed a hand on his small shoulder.
“I don't understand everything yet. But, I’m not going to arrest you.” He’d said, and he continued even past the protests that Shinichi started. “The only thing you need to know is that I’m so glad that you’re alive and that you are safe. I will never let that man hurt you again. Do you understand?”
Shinichi had finally managed to look up and meet Megure’s eyes. And the solemn severity that he saw there sent a wave of comfort through him. Ran and Kogoro were his family and they promised to protect him, both with such dark expressions that he’d wondered exactly how far they’d be willing to go for the interloper that had lied to them for several months straight. His parents had offered to move him out to America with them. Heiji and Kaito had both sworn that if Connor tried to take him again, that there wasn’t a police force in the world that could keep them from killing him. Every promise made his shoulders loosen just a little more.
He wasn’t sure which one made him feel better. If it was knowing that they knew who they were dealing with and that they wouldn’t be caught unaware. Or if it was knowing that if he was taken and dragged underground again, that he wouldn’t be trapped in the same way. They wouldn’t be in danger because they would know. All he would have to do is hold out until they found him. And they would find him.
He took in a shuddering breath, and then between one second and the next he was being held in Megure’s arms as he tried to wrestle his emotions back under control.
And now, they were sitting on the balcony together because Shinichi needed to remind himself that he wasn’t underground anymore. He wasn’t with Connor. He wasn’t going to be held underwater until he eventually gave in and did whatever the bastard wanted. He was free.
He was guilty, and deserved to be locked up and put away where he couldn’t hurt anyone else. And for some reason, even though he wasn’t sure he deserved it, he was free.
…
June 22nd 4:00 a.m.
Shinichi jolted awake, strangling a scream before he woke up Kogoro. He pressed his palms into the ground on either side of him and forced himself to breath.The therapist that it had been universally recommended that he see after his experience had taught him several different techniques to calm himself. The only one that seemed to work for him was the square-breathing method.
Even though his chest felt like it was constricting and his lungs didn’t want to cooperate, he sucked in a strangled breath. Then another, until he managed to get a bit of control. He breathed in, counting to four inside his head and closing his eyes. Then he held still, letting the breath stop in his chest and listening to the quiet around him while he counted to four again. Then he breathed out for another count of four. He stilled at the bottom too, visualizing his breath as a moving line that traced the edges of a square. The images of his friends dead flashed behind his eyes and he had to fight not to let his panic explode again. He kept breathing.
Eventually, his racing heart started to slow down. The breath came more easily and eventually he was able to elongate his increments to six seconds instead of four. The whole process took him an embarrassingly long time, and when he finally opened his eyes it was to Kogoro blinking at him blearily from across the room.
“You okay, kid?” He asked, voice low so as not to wake Ran.
Shinichi swallowed heavily and his throat was dry, but he said. “I’m sorry for waking you up.”
“Eh..” Kogoro waved a dismissive hand. “Don’t worry ‘bout it. I need to be up soon anyway.”
Which was a lie. And not even a good one. Shinichi didn’t call him out on it though.
“Are you going to try to go back to sleep?” The man asked. “Or are you getting up?”
Shinichi looked at the clock. 04:45 a.m. He hadn’t gone back to school yet. They hadn’t even really talked about that. So he didn’t have anywhere to go. He didn’t need to be awake. But, the thought of going back to sleep- back to the nightmares of the water and the-
He shook his head softly, “I’m getting up, but you should go back to sleep.”
“And let you get away with eating all the good snacks?” Kogoro scoffed, pushing himself to his feet. “Not on your life, kid.”
He wasn’t even trying to be subtle. And somehow that made Shinichi feel warm and fuzzy. He really should go back to sleep. He did have cases to solve and no one was letting Shinichi come to a crime scene yet. Which… considering how he was still feeling about Dianna, might be for the best.
They made their way into the living room together, and Kogoro hummed one of the pop songs he liked while he made two mugs of hot chocolate. As he set it down on the table in front of Shinichi one hand reflexively ruffled the boy’s hair. It was common and habitual, and Shinichi cherished it more than he’d ever say out loud. He’d been worried that he’d lose that love of it after- Well Conor had tried very hard to poison that too. And while he still couldn’t take a bath, to his eternal shame, he was glad that he hadn’t lost the ability to let Kogoro ruffle his hair.
His therapist, and everyone else that he’d managed to work up the nerve to confess his fear to, had said that it was normal to be afraid of something that had been used to hurt him. None of them expected him to bounce back as quickly as he himself did. After lots of practice, he’d managed to start taking showers. Which had been a big improvement from the even more embarrassing fact that he used to need to use a wet towel. Every time he thought about it, it sent a blush to his cheeks and he wanted to bury himself in the earth and never come out. He knew that no one else judged him. He knew conceptually that there was no reason to be ashamed of what was a normal response to trauma, but some days he felt like he should have figured out a way to avoid the whole situation. He should have been smarter. Should have known better. He regretted ever leaving anything to chance.
He sipped his hot chocolate and watched the skyline as the first tendrils of sunlight started to peak over the horizon. The apartment was silent save for Kogoro as he started to sort through some of the bills on the table. That was probably the only good thing that had come from the entire ordeal. He’d really pulled himself together and started taking things a lot more seriously.
He set his mug down beside him and started leafing through one of his novels. He didn’t have much else to do until he went back to school or he was allowed to work on cases again. Sometimes- well, most times- he almost regretted telling Ran and Kogoro the truth because it made it harder for him to get away with sneaking onto crime scenes. It had also made everything with Ran a million times more awkward, but they were decidedly not discussing that yet. There was the veiled threat that they would be discussing it.
He smiled at the memory of her terrifying expression. How her cheeks had tinted red with a cross between rage and embarrassment. How her shoulders had stiffened and her breathing had leveled. How her stance had shifted and she was subconsciously preparing herself to fight, before she calmly informed him that the conversation was not over. Yeah… he was doomed.
But she was beautiful. Incredible. Smart, capable, reliable. And even though she could dodge a freaking bullet- and Shinichi was probably more intimidated by her than almost anyone else in the whole world- he would do anything to make sure that she was safe. He knew without thinking that if it ever came down to it again, he would choose Ran Mouri over the world every time. Admittedly, his experience had taught him that he loved more people than he thought he did. He would sacrifice his morals for the Detective Boys, for Kazuha, Heji, Agasa, Kogoro, and a handful of others. He would die for them.
But he lived for Ran. She was everything and even if she hated him, if she never spoke to him again, he would never stop loving her. There was a sort of dedication inside of him that could never be given to anyone else. It was like his love of mysteries. There wasn’t a question about what he would do if he stopped loving them, because he wouldn’t. He couldn’t. He was a detective. He always would be. It was who he was. And loving Ran Mouri was like that.