drunk again, sipping on your bath water

by pinklicour

Summary:

Wolfwood hears the cussing first. Loud, grumbled words beneath- was that a shower?? Who the hell is showering at a party?

Wolfwood hears the cussing first. Loud, grumbled words beneath- was that a shower?? Who the hell is showering at a party?

He doubled back to the door he just passed, cracked open with a little steam bellowing out. He pushed it open slowly, hand on his hip where his gun was hidden. If the lady of the house finds out he pulled a firearm at her big event he’ll be on lab review for a month. The voice became clearer as he stepped in and softly shut the door.

“Fucking stuck up…thinks I’m too…if she knew!”

Whoever it was, their voice was pitchy with frustration. Wolfwood inched forward until he was at the far end of the shower and could slowly pull it back. Inside, a man was having some kind of breakdown.

He was hunched around the water with a hand towel scrubbing at a soaked wet shirt. He was clearly trying to stay out of the spray, but water had soaked the bottom of his pants. The condensation was slowly deflating his spiked hair, along with the sunglasses he kept shoving up into his hair absently. He was flushed red from his cheeks down, where scars and bruises littered his naked torso. He hadn’t shut up for a single moment.

In the back of his mind, deep in that place that had been beaten into him over and over again since he was young, Wolfwood sensed something dangerous about the man, no matter how ridiculous he looked now. Like happening upon a leopard taking a nap feet from where you were standing.

Wolfwood had always been told he had terrible survival instincts.

“Well, hello,” he said, leering.

The man screamed as he turned around and held his shirt up to his chest. His shock put him directly in the line of the water, soaking him completely. He spluttered at the water in his mouth, flailing around so much that he nearly fell.

“Shit,” Wolfwood said, hurrying to step over the tub to grab his elbow. “Careful!”

The man yanked his arm back forcefully. The pull brought Wolfwood further into the tub until his shoes squeaked against the porcelain and the front of his clothes got sprayed.

“Don’t- Who the hell are you?” the man asked, parting the wet bangs in front of his eyes with his free hand.

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” Wolfwood held his hands up in front of him in a calming gesture. “Take it easy, ain’t nobody comin’ at you, baby.”

“You followed me into the shower and you have a gun,” the man replied, his eyebrows raised.

“Ok, well first of all, so do you,” Wolfwood said, pointing down to the man’s ankle where a hidden holster was slowly getting soaked. “You’re gonna have to drain and re-oil that, by the way. And I don’t think anyone would blame me for interrupting the relaxin’ shower of a party crasher, do you, doll?”

The man glared. “I can’t shower?”

“During a baby shower?”

“Why else would they call it that?”

“Honey, no way you’re as dumb as you look right now.”

The man gasped and shook his shirt in front of him to splatter Wolfwood with water.

“Fuck, ok, jesus!” Wolfwood held his hands out to block the attack. He grabbed the fabric in a tight fist and pulled it forward, dragging the man closer as he refused to let go.

“H-hey!”

Wolfwood kept pulling forward until the man was inches from his face. He ignored the glistening water dripping from the man’s clavicle to his chest by sheer force of will.

“Listen, blondie, I don’t know what the fuck you’re doin’, but this ain’t a party, capiche?”

“Oh? I thought it was a baby shower?” the man asked, voice low and sarcastic like he was imitating Wolfwood.

Wolfwood gave him a flat stare. “I’ll ask one more time before I gotta get mean. Why are you here?”

The man sighed angrily, turning around to shut off the shower.

“Meredith said my gift was tacky,” he mumbled.

“What?” Wolfwood asked, brow furrowing.

The man faced him, tossing his hands in the air and splattering more water around from his soaked shirt.

“Meredith said my gift was tacky, so I told her that her gift had bad energy because she’d said six months ago that Kim wasn’t even really pregnant and now she’s gifting her a bunny and it’s like, just be real, ya know? Then she lets out- I kid you not- a single tear! Like a movie! Because she’s fake. And I told Kim that when she sent the invites out but noooo-“

“What the- wait, wait, your friends with Kim?” Wolfwood’s eyes about bugged out of his head. This guy, looking wet and pathetic in slowly cooling steam, was friends with the boss’ wife?

It was the man’s turn to give him a flat look. “Obviously. Why else would I be here?”

Wolfwood gave the man a once-over again. True, he didn’t look like the typical thugs that tried to sneak past security during the boss’ family gigs. They usually had some manner of stealth, for one. But Wolfwood couldn’t ignore the wiggling feeling that the man was being dishonest.

“How’d that lead to takin’ a soak?” Wolfwood asked, jutting his chin forward.

“Well, you know how us girls are,” the man said, waving a hand in the air. “One thing led to another and-“ A shrug. “I dumped a whole bottle of champagne on Meredith’s big, stupid head.”

Wolfwood barked a laugh automatically before faking a cough to hide it. The man had let out a small smile as he arched his eyebrow.

“And then she threw the shrimp platter at me, so I think we’re even. Anyway, I came up here to soak the shirt but some guy was busy rifling through the ventilation and he had all this equipment spread out on the sink, so I was like, ugh, I’ll just get in the shower real quick! I’m usually pretty coordinated, you know, as long as some hot, Bond type doesn’t sneak up on me!”

“There was a guy in here?” Wolfwood asked, suddenly inexplicably pissed. “Did he see you get naked?”

“What?” the man said, startled. After a pause, he looked unbearably amused. “That’s your question after what I just said?”

“W-well, the men here know not to bother the guests,” Wolfwood answered, clearing his throat and trying to look stern. He didn’t question the man’s validity now- the man looked genuinely irritated, and Meredith was a known nightmare. He needed to move on to the truly concerning pieces of the story: who else had gotten to see the man’s damp chest? He was gonna put them on latrine duty so fast. “The boss values his family’s privacy, so they shouldn’t be, you know, checking out or- or ogling any of the misses’ friends, even if they’re taking their shirts off! Especially two of them! What did the other guy look like who came in here and snuck up on you?”

The man stared at him for a second, mouth parted slightly before the sides turned up.

“Wow,” he whispered. “You’re really something, Wolfwood.”

“Oh, um,” Wolfwood realized, suddenly, that the man was just inches from him again in the cramped shower. He was staring down at Wolfwood, soft and curious. There was a bead of water sliding down his temple that Wolfwood’s mouth was parched to taste. “I-is that a good thing?”

The man nodded, slowly. “And…you have… the kindest eyes.”

“O-oh,” Wolfwood stuttered. He could feel his pulse speed up like he was in a fight, but they weren’t even moving. The man was just standing there, tempting Wolfwood with his proximity and- “Wait, he was messing with the ventilation?”

Something in the man’s face shifted slightly-almost sadly- as he pulled back. He shook himself before nodding animatedly.

“Yeah, it was super weird! I guess I thought it was broken or something, but then he hurried out once I started taking my shirt off, so-“ The man shrugged.

“Shit,” Wolfwood cursed. “Fuck, okay, just- stay here, alright? Stay-“ Wolfwood waved a hand in front of him to capture the man’s everything as he stumbled out of the shower. He was briefly caught in the shower curtain as he tried to move out while still getting one more good look at the guy. The man stifled a laugh as he reached out to help Wolfwood untangle himself. “Stay right here, ‘kay? When it’s safe I’ll come grab you and bring you back to the party, or- or something. Do you have plans for dinner?”

The man’s eyebrows raised.

“No, no- never mind, don’t answer that! Or answer later? No, forget it, I’ll be right back, ok?” Wolfwood stuttered out. He squeezed the man’s hand before he let go, hurrying out of the room and calling a code seven on his radio.

——

Vash sighed as he watched Wolfwood run downstairs. Vash had seen pictures of him in his dossier, but wow. He was really- Vash shook himself. Get out now, daydream about hot evil guy’s bodyguard later.

He slid on and buttoned up his dress shirt before reaching up to unlatch the little sky light above the shower. He quickly pulled himself up and through the slight opening. He inched himself along the roof until he got to the awning of the front porch. Looking around to make sure the coast was clear, he dropped down to crouch into the bushes. He waited a minute to make sure no one had seen him. After everything stayed quiet, he stepped out of the bushes and ran his hand along his hair, brushing out a few loose leaves as he made his way to the valet.

“Valentinez Charton-Haymoss Kaiser,” he said, nodding to the young man. As the valet ran off to fetch his car, Vash rocked himself on his heels.

He’d thought for a moment there Wolfwood was going to kiss him. Terrible idea, obviously. Vash was currently dismantling the criminal organization that had trained and raised Wolfwood from birth by putting a fake software in the ventilation system to distract from the real software he’d put in his tacky baby shower gift. Grounds for a healthy, committed relationship these were not.

Still, Wolfwood looked very dreamy when he’d come storming in, calling Vash all kinds of sweet names and not-so-subtlety checking him out. Flirting was not Wolfwood’s M.O., so Vash was fairly certain there’d been genuine interest there. Vash’s certainly had been.

He guessed he had to thank Meredith for being such a witch and throwing cocktail sauce on him. Not part of the plan, but a great excuse to go to the bathroom to plant the fake software. And if he hadn’t had to clean his shirt he wouldn’t have gotten to meet Wolfwood at all.

After his car was pulled up, Vash handed the valet a tip before settling into the front seat. He shut his door on the beginnings of a muffled alarm system going off inside the house. He slid his sunglasses down to his nose before looking back to see the front door burst open. Standing on the doorstep was a still slightly damp Wolfwood, his sweet mouth agape, as Vash pulled away.

Well, Wolfwood’s file did contain his home address. Perhaps Vash could pay him a visit.

Notes:

i literally had a dream about this so

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