Chapter Text
Annoying.
“Hey, didja catch the new Madoka last night? It was super amazingtastic!”
Annoying.
“Ah, I’m afraid that I have not had the chance to watch that series. Would you be capable of providing me with a summary?”
Annoying.
In the span of four months, I have gone from a quiet, peaceful lunch table where I can read and eat without even an iota of interruption to being surrounded by extroverts—
“So anyways, after that twist, we find out that Homura’s—”
—that appear to be physically incapable of shutting the hell up for ten seconds straight.
Day in and day out, they chatter to no end, discussing such pointless drivel as TV shows, ‘funny’ videos, or whathaveyou, seemingly hellbent on infringing on the very idea of ‘conversation’ being an exchange of intelligent thought. I scarcely believe the gibbering mouthers that I am surrounded by to be capable of such tasks, so I suppose that—
“That sounds so interesting! I wish I could’ve seen it, but I always end up having to turn in early since I need to get up early to cook.”
“Your lunch is homemade? That’s amazing.”
“Woah, Saa-chan talked! How rare!”
Um.
“Shut it.”
“Ow! Hey, what gives?!”
Anyways.
Perhaps that is the reason that I associate with these people—Kaho’s head is simultaneously durable and a satisfying target.
And it isn’t as if there’s been no improvement; Amaori learned her lesson when her initial attempt of provoking me into conversation yielded a nearly twenty-two second long silence interspersed with the turning of a page in my novel. I have read with significantly less interruption ever since.
And I am not some isolationist hikikimori; I enjoy my time alone, but I know better than to relegate myself to bathroom stalls and isolated classrooms—even in college, I wouldn’t want to risk any rumours flying.
Still, that option would have been on the table if it were not for a certain oversized baby who I’ve found myself lumped in with.
I won’t bore you with the details; you know who Mai Ouzuka is. What is less well-known is that from the moment the spotlight fades, Mai Ouzuka becomes a spoiled baby who runs crying to her childhood friend over every little trifle that dares to cause her even the mildest inconvenience.
In the end, every snag, hurdle, and roadblock in the path of my peaceful life was hand-placed by a certain whiny child who’s only developed physically in the last eight years
For one, Mai has been staying over far less often in the past month or so since entering school—undoubtably due, in some part, to Amaori. I had anticipated another two years of putting up with Mai’s loneliness, but apparently, some no-name run-of-the-mill girl had drunk a sufficient amount of liquid courage to request Mai's hand in friendship in front of the entire school after the entrance ceremony. How a girl with such obvious social anxiety had managed that, I remain clueless even today. I’ll admit that even I have to give her some level of respect for being capable of quelling Mai’s temperament.
So, college has not been too much of a headache. Barring Kaho and Sena, to a lesser extent, our group holds more of an ‘admire from afar’ kind of popularity as opposed to the ‘chat it up and party all night’ kind of popularity. It’s a perfect arrangement—I provide ‘an air of mysterious, traditional Japanese beauty’ or whatever drivel Kaho had spouted when I’d first sat with them while keeping a lid on Mai’s ever-inflating head and they provide a shield against unwanted interaction.
“Hey, hey! You know what’d be totally amazeballs? If Rena-chin and Saa-chan cosplayed MadoHomu!”
It’s only natural, then, that the thing that would eventually pierce my armour came from within.
“W-what? Um, I-I’m not sure if I’m cut out for that…”
“C’mon, it’s no prob! Saa-chan and I’ll show you the ropes, yahear? I mean, the two of us are totally vets, so—”
Kaho’s voice abruptly cuts out.
Far, far too late.
“I didn’t know that you cosplayed, Satsuki. I suppose that it would only be natural for a model as gifted as yourself to venture into other avenues of fashion.”
I never should have trusted that little devil.
“H-hey, um, Saa-chan—”
“S-Satsuki-chan? I-it’s alright, I-I think it’s totally normal that—”
“Satsuki-chan? Is everything okay?”
That’s enough. Out of all of you.
I reach my feet in an instant, not bothering to soften my gaze as I stare down at each of them.
Kaho and Renako look as though they’re scared for their lives. Good.
Mai is smiling as if there isn’t a single thing wrong in the world. Which there probably isn’t, at least, as it pertains to her. Annoying.
And Sena…
I turn on my heel and exit the classroom without a second thought.
###
The cool, spring breeze serves as a refreshing backdrop to my stroll across campus.
There are ten minutes until my next lecture.
I cannot possibly hope to make it to the library and there in time.
…I truly am a fool.
Why did I lose my patient in such an extreme manner? Well, the answer is fairly self-evident—Kaho decided to be a pain and tell everyone something she’d explicitly agreed to keep quiet. I’ll have to make sure that I never make the mistake of trusting her with anything of mine ever again.
I still have no idea as to how I came to trust her in the first place; her extrovert persona is so put-on that even I might be able to do a better job if I truly pushed myself. I mean, honestly, who meows at the end of half their sentences? I’d thought that discerning the intentions of those around me was a talent of mine, but somehow, Kaho had entirely eluded me. Is she another closeted introvert? It feels so close to the truth, but something doesn’t add up quite right. Perhaps I ought to dig up whatever dirty laundry she might have tucked away and air it for the world to see as payback? Ehehehe, the possibilities are endless…
…What am I doing?
What kind of person thinks of revenge as their first instinct? This whole encounter was obviously an accident on her part; a child could tell you that much. I ought to reserve this kind of vitriol for Mai Ouzuka, and even that is morally tenuous at best.
Though I suppose that this sort of thinking is only natural for someone like me.
Perhaps someone with as twisted a personality as I should never have attempted to associate with such blindingly outgoing people. I hadn’t seriously wanted to associate with them, especially not Mai, did I?
No. The thought of being included in discussions, having people wait on my responses, or talk about the books that I enjoy, or greeting me in the halls, it…
I…
I would never want such a thing.
I can tolerate it, I suppose. But I would never go out of my way to receive it. Yes, those people are nothing more than a shield and they couldn’t even succeed at that—
“Satsuki-chan? I know you don’t like being around others too much, but Rena-chan ran off too, and Mai-chan went off to go find her, and I thought you might want someone to be with too…?”
…Of course it would be her who finds me.
Kaho could be deflected with a sharp flick of my tongue and a timely application of percussive maintenance courtesy of my fist. Mai can be parried with nary a glance. Amaori wouldn’t even bother.
It happens at lunch; on days where Amaori slept on the right side of the bed, or didn’t stay up late gaming, or had the bright idea to fill up her empty skull with some useless information, where she just won’t. Shut. Up. She’ll go off on tangents about the history of Mesopotamia, or the origin of forks (yes, the utensil, not the chess move), or Taylor series’ and their applications, and rather than deal with it, I go off to the nearest unoccupied bench to eat by myself—no one is brave enough to disturb me.
No one, save for a certain Sena Ajisai.
Before I know it, she appears, and strikes up some small talk, and even when I give the most milquetoast responses, she seems happy. As if she’s glad her head wasn’t bitten off. And if I dare to voice my opinion? Even when it’s something like ‘Oh, I didn’t care for that show’, then she becomes overjoyed. And then, she forces explanations out of me; ‘What parts didn’t you like, Satsuki-chan? What could they have done better?’ And because I never voice disdain for any media without reason, I always have long-winded explanation after long-winded explanation that would bore anyone but the most hardened of bookworms
And Sena?
She listens. And she asks follow-up questions that actually make sense based on what I’ve said, so I know that she isn’t just pretending to listen to be polite. And she looks as if she’s having the absolute grandest time of her life. Just by talking to me.
It’s terrifying.
No one is that good an actor—not myself, not Mai Ouzuka; no one. I’m sure that beneath that veneer of charm and care, Sena is just as rotten as the rest of them—as shifty as Amaori, as infuriatingly self-absorbed as Mai, as dishonest as Kaho, and—
I’m doing it again; I’m assuming things and making connections where there are none.
“Satsuki-chan?”
“…Do what you want.”
I know better than to attempt to evade me—any such attempt would result in her finding me and attempting to comfort me the next time we see one another. May as well do it on my—
It happens so quickly that I almost don’t register it.
One moment, Sena is walking towards me without a care in the world.
The next, she’s tumbling towards the ground.
You know, the human body can be surprisingly durable. So long as you protect the vitals, all you really have to concern yourself over is maintaining the amount of blood you have. There have been reports of people falling off rooftops and out of planes, even reaching terminal velocity, and walking away with nothing but a few scrapes, scratches, and broken bones.
On the other hand, just a little bit of uncoordination, just a dash of bad luck, and even a fall from a sitting position can be deadly.
And I have no shortage of bad luck.
My body moves before I can think.
A moment before Sena cracks her head open on the pavement, I catch her.
But my luck is not done making a fool of me—a cry of pain escapes her nonetheless and I wince as I watch her foot slip and bend just a little too much as she attempts to right herself.
A few moments pass. I help her to the ground, her injured right leg stretched out in front of her. A crowd starts to form and I stare every last one of them down until they move along. Which one of these heathens was so careless as to do such a thing?
If only I’d paid more attention.
If only I hadn’t hesitated to let her join me.
If only I hadn’t lost my temper in the first place.
If only—
“Owwww…”
…There were too many people.
I didn’t see it happen.
I should focus on making sure that Sena’s…
That she gets assessed.
“I can provide first aid; do you give your consent to being touched for me to do so?”
“Y-yes,” she manages to get out through gritted teeth. “Do… Do what you nee—ah!”
There’s no time to waste. I slip one arm behind her back and two beneath her knees, allowing a faint grunt to escape me as I hoist her up; now is no time for concerning myself over my appearance.
“W-w-what are you doing, S-Satsuki-chan?!”
“Propping you up against a wall—it’ll make administering care and awaiting further aid easier.”
“R-right, gotcha…”
It doesn’t take long for a suitably shady spot and I set her down, taking great care not to jostle her injured leg as I set it out in front of her.
“I’m taking off your shoe and sock now.”
“Go ahead…”
“You weren’t wincing when I carried you; it looks like a mild sprain to me, but you should visit a doctor to make sure.”
“O-of course.”
Hm, I don’t seem to have any bandages on me; I really need to refill my first aid kit. Oh well. I can improvise.
“U-um! Satsuki-chan…?!”
I stop halfway through undoing my tie.
“…If you are uncomfortable with me providing aid, then just let me know and we can wait for someone else to arrive. I won’t be offended.”
“No, it’s…! It’s fine! Really! G-go ahead! Please!”
She’s gone completely red.
I should stop. She’s clearly uncomfortable. Anyone would be around me; I never fail to manifest discomfort.
But I don’t want her ankle to start swelling. So I continue.
It doesn’t take long for me to stabilize her ankle. A tie isn’t an ideal wrap, but it’ll do for now.
“I’m going to put your leg on my lap to elevate it while we wait. Is that okay with you?”
“Yes, that sounds wonder—I mean! Yes! It’s okay!”
…Weird.
I would expect Amaori to get all panicky over that, but Sena? I always had her down as the type of person who would give a simple yet sincere ‘thank you’ in situations akin to this.
Goes to show what little I know.
It occurs to me that I still haven’t called for help.
“Would you like me to call emergency services, Sena?”
“No, it’s, um, fine. It doesn’t hurt too much.”
“I’ll get you a ride, then.”
I flip open my phone and begin to punch in a series of messages.
{Number 1 Pain in the Ass}
[Mai]
[Satsuki?]
[Oh, thank goodness. Are you returning? Kaho would like to apologize as would I.]
[Sena is hurt. Send us a ride.]
[Could you send me your location?]
I do just that before closing my phone and slipping it into my bag.
Which means that there’s nothing to do.
Just Sena and I, sitting here.
…Hm.
“This kind of sucks, doesn’t it?”
Sena breaks the silence. Again, I didn’t take her for one to complain in situations like these, but…
“I’m sorry.”
“Wait, no, that’s not what I meant! It’s just, I thought it must suck for you to be taking care of me like this right now.”
“It’s my fault that you’re hurt. This is the least I can do.”
“It’s not your fault, though. It’s the fault of whoever it was that bumped—actually, they probably didn’t do it on purpose, so really, it’s no one’s fault. I really shouldn’t be forcing you into looking after me—”
“Hey, they still should have been watching where they were—”
…Sena freezes under my piercing gaze.
Was I just about to snap on her…?
Something about the timid look on her face doesn’t sit right with me.
It’s wrong—more wrong than Mai Ouzuka suffering defeat, or Kaho Koyanagi actually putting in a sincere effort to study for a quiz worth two percent of our final grade.
I don’t like it.
“You really are an idiot sometimes.”
“Wha—huh?”
She looks shocked. Hurt.
Classic Satsuki Koto.
“Do you honestly believe yourself to be persuasive or powerful enough to force me into doing anything against my will? Impossible. I am Satsuki Koto—a twisted, selfish person who doesn’t care one bit about the people around her. If I was against looking after you, I would have left you there; that’s the kind of person I am.”
“Satsuki-chan—”
“If it were Amaori, I’d prop her leg up on my bag. If it were Mai, I’d make her do it herself. If it was Kaho, I’d make her prop herself up and smack her on the head for good measure.”
“And I’m special because…?”
Because…
You aren’t a two-faced baby who throws a fit whenever things don’t go her way.
You don’t lie and make promises that you don’t keep.
You listened to me ramble about the plot of A Face you Shouldn’t Show for half an hour and actually meaningfully commented on it why the hell would you do that
“…I don’t mind the sound of your voice.”
“Well, either way, your legs are pretty soft for someone so ‘cold’.”
I have half a mind to smack her for saying that.
But she’s Sena. She doesn’t deserve that.
“Please. I’m only doing this to ease my conscience.”
“You must have a strong moral compass, then.”
“Are you even capable of insulting people?”
“Well, I could, but I wouldn’t want to upset you. That would be mean.”
Hmph.
I’m not getting through to her. It’s as if she’s received a list of all of my worst traits and is now attempting to spin them to put on a resume.
“After all, from what I’ve seen, you’re a little rough around the edges, but you’re really a good person, Satsuki-chan.”
“False. Insult me.”
“Wha—Satsuki-chan? Why—”
“Fine; don’t, then. I’ll ask you this: would a good person spend their time ruminating on how annoying they find the people who they call friends? Would a good person spend hours on-end, dissecting everyone she meets for flaws, usefulness, and how much trouble they could keep her out of?” She says nothing. Good. “Because that’s what I do. I do everything in my power to see the worst in people, picking them apart until their every failing lies at my fingertips. I relish every chance I get to sink my teeth into the inadequacies of others. Do you know how irritated I became, when after months of ceaseless examination, I had failed to find a single chink in your armour? Surely, there must have been something that I missed—some blind spot of mine, perhaps, but whatever the reason was, I couldn’t find it. How messed up would you say it was for me to be that horrified simply because I couldn’t find a weakness of yours to abuse?”
“If you really see everyone else as that flawed, then I think it’s all the more impressive that you went out of your way to befriend them in spite of that.”
…She’s gone insane.
Maybe that’s Sena’s flaw: being unable to recognize wretchedness when it’s staring her in the face.
“I’m not the most perceptive, but I can tell how much you all care for one another. How you give Rena-chan the space she needs, or how you’ve helped Kaho-chan fulfill her ambitions, and how you’ve been looking after Mai-chan all this time.”
Shut up.
They’re just convenient to have at my disposal.
I don’t care—
“But you know, I’m not the perfectly kind person you think I am either.”
Oh? What’s this? Does Sena Ajisai have some sort of dark, tucked-away secret?
A sense of vindication washes over me before a wave of guilt follows at having experienced the initial emotion.
No. She’s just trying to comfort the person in front of her. As usual.
“I’m only really friendly for my own sake, you know? Honestly, all of my smiling and trying to look cute all the time is just to liven the mood. To me, other peoples’ happiness is my happiness.”
…The hell…?
“It’s selfish, really. In the end, it’s just all about me, me, me. I want people to think I’m nice because me being nice makes them happy, which makes me happy.” She hesitates for a few moments, flicking her eyes up to meet mine before they dart away. “I’m sorry for… well, it wasn’t really lying, but it was deceitful. I’m sorry for being deceitful all this time.”
…Honestly.
This girl…
“What a completely and utterly meaningless load of pedantry.”
“Ehhhh?!”
“So what if you only choose to put your everything into spreading cheer to those around you for your own pleasure? Do you expect me to lambast you for displaying basic empathy? This kind of self-pitying hogwash makes me sick to my stomach. You say that I am a kind person because of the intentions behind my actions, but anyone with two brain cells to rub together would disagree—the result of my actions was a silent lunch table and an entirely avoidable cloud of stress. Meanwhile, the result of your actions is a livelier, happier classroom in which every single person who you talk to walks away with more joy in their hearts than when they started talking to you. The two don’t even compare. Don’t you dare claim the title of a ‘bad person’ for yourself, Ajisai Sena; you’re lightyears away from even being qualified to take the test to earn it.”
By the end of my rant, I’m breathing heavily and my face feels hot, my vision clouded over with emotion. I almost feel smug, seeing the shattered look on Sena’s face.
She looks shattered.
Like she’s about to cry.
…I hate it.
She doesn’t deserve it.
Why is it that every time I attempt to comfort her, I speak so clumsily that it ends up tearing open all the wounds I was trying to—
“Were you trying to comfort me there, Satsuki-chan?”
…She’s smiling.
Why is she smiling?
I insulted her no less than five times in the last two minutes.
So, why…
Why does she look so happy?
“Ehehe. I didn’t know you were this cute when you blushed, Satsuki-chan~”
Wha—
I try to zip backwards, but my legs are still trapped under hers and all at once, I’m made acutely aware of just how supple her calves are against my thighs, and her face, dotted with soft, welcoming features as she giggles, stealing the words from my lips as she turns my brain into mush, and—
I can deal with a scumbag like Kaho’s joking advances just fine. Mai is more than twice as annoying, but still manageable. But Sena? Kindhearted, endlessly pure Sena who has lavished me in a sickeningly genuine love care and affection?
I’m helpless. I can only crumble under her.
Curse this weakness of mine.
“My, my, I thought that I was needed, but the two of you appear as though you are getting on just fine on your lonesome.”
“Wha—Mai!”
“A limo?! Mai-chan, you didn’t have to!”
Sure enough, smack dab in the middle of the parking lot of the building is a Queen Rose owned limousine.
“W-well, then. If that’s all, I-I’ll go attend of my next lecture—”
“Gosh, Maii-chan, thank you so much for the ride! Now, if only someone here would help me get in…?”
“Of course, Ajisai-chan. I wouldn’t dare to suggest that you attempt to enter on your own—”
“If only someone here would help me get in…?”
Oh, to hell with it.
I slip my arms under Sena as before and before I can sling her over my shoulder, she wraps her arms up and around the back of my neck like some kind of marsupial, giggling as I walk towards the car.
“Gosh, this is a little embarrassing, isn’t it?”
“…Put up with it.”
Since when have I given even the slightest bit of care for embarrassment?
“Perhaps I am unneeded; might you wish to accompany her in the doctor’s office, Satsuki?”
“Shut your damn mouth and get Sena to the hospital.”
“Of course. I’ll keep you updated on her condition, okay?”
With that, Mai enters and shuts the door, waving back at the same time that Sena does, forcing me to respond in kind. The damn cheat.
…She’d better keep me updated.
###
“We’re sorry!”
I had thought that I would be able to put off seeing Dumb and Dumber until tomorrow, but apparently, one of them had hatched the bright plan to corner me after my lecture concluded.
“I shouldn’t have spoken so carelessly—”
“I shoulda taken better care o’ your secrets—”
“Shut up. Both of you.”
They obey, thankfully.
“Do you honestly think that something like this can be undone with a simple apology? Trust takes weeks, months, and years to earn, but it only takes a moment for every ounce of it that you hold to slip out from your grasp. Honestly—”
“If you really see everyone else as that flawed, then I think it’s all the more impressive that you went out of your way to befriend them in spite of that.”
…Why did I think of that, just now?
I don’t care about them.
I don’t.
I never will.
Even if Sena thinks I do.
…I won’t.
I…
……Hmph.
Without saying another word, I smack Amaori on the head.
“Ouch! U-um, why didn’t Kaho…? Eep! Um, nevermind, I’vegottagobyeeeeee!”
Could she question me with any less gravity?
“It’s cause ya love me, right?”
“It’s because you’ll be paying damages later. In completely unrelated news, I’ve heard that Moon-san’s decided to temporarily double her rates. Something about ‘a lying, dishonest employer’ and ‘needing to ensure collateral damages are awarded’?”
“Argh! You’re really twistin’ my arm here, Saa-chan! But fair’s fair, I guess…”
“So, we’re even, now.”
“…You’re not gonna chew me out any more?”
“No? What would be the point in that? I can certainly arrange—”
“Nooope, that’s fine! I’ll catchya on the flipside, ‘kaykay? Kaykay! SeeyalaterSaachanbyeeeeeee!”
…Honestly.
What kind of person throws a fit over some minor trifle and extorts money out of it?
Even if Kaho didn’t seem all that torn up by it.
Even if Amaori looked oddly happy with herself as she ran off.
…The unknown variable called ‘Ajisai Sena’ truly is a terrifying beast.
###
Sena returns to classes the day after the next in crutches.
Which I’d known would happen already—I was informed of this at 16:32 on the day of.
Our shared lecture ends and almost instantly, she’s crowded by a sea of people as she clears a path to the hallway.
“It’s nothing, really! I just got bumped into and took a fall; it wasn’t that bad, honest! Plus, I got to ride in one of Mai-chan’s limo’s, so really, I’m doing great. Here, I brought a clipboard—feel free to sign it!”
The crowd eats her words as if they’re the first home-cooked meal it’s had in ages, almost instantly forming a line as Sena humbly laughs to herself at the front.
We meet gazes, and… she brings a finger to her lips. Hnnngh… Unfair. Wait, is she—
She’s pulled another pencil from her purse, and she’s holding it towards me. No thanks, I’m good.
…This is a rather lively atmosphere, isn’t it?
“I want people to think I’m nice because me being nice makes them happy, which makes me happy.”
Hm. The moment she lets me in on her secret, I begin to notice things like this.
…I suppose that, having caused her injury, the least I can do is come up with a good signature for her damn clipboard.
###
“You wanted me, Satsuki-chan?”
At my behest, the two of us returned to the wall where I’d taken care of her administered first aid.
I walk up to her, handing her a cheap 16-page workbook.
“You missed your lectures yesterday. I did the best I could, but we might have different styles of note-taking, so feel free to discard them. Also, I apologize for not writing them electronically like you usually do—I don’t have a laptop, so I transcribed my notes by hand.”
Um.
Is she just going to stand there, or…?
“Thank you, Satsuki-chan.”
Why did she have to grab my hand…?!
“I-it was just half an hour of c-copying notes; nothing particularly taxing.”
“Thank you so much. You really are amazing, you know?”
She’s, um.
Getting really close.
“I’m not; I’ve made that much clear by this point, haven’t I?”
And I’m running out of room.
Is she pinning me against the wall on purpose? No, that’s something that Mai would do. Sena is—
“Nope~ You’re an amazing, cool, strong, hardworking girl who cares more than she’ll admit about the people she chooses to be with.”
“That’s—”
“Wonderful. You’re wonderful.”
—getting closer. And she’s really warm. Um.
“I’m not sure if I’ve really internalized what you told me yesterday. It was all kinda one big stream of thought, you know? But it meant a lot to me. I wasn’t quite sure, but I did a lot of research over the past two days, and…”
She somehow gets even closer. I-I think our noses just brush—her breath is so warm. Her lips are hypnotisingly soft, two strips of warm taffy that melts under one’s tongue, that folds, bends, and sticks under one’s fingers as she says,
“I wasn’t quite sure, but I think I am now. I’m in love with you, Satsuki-chan. Please go out with me.”
Behind the central teaching building, under a tree next to the parking lot, Sena Ajisai told me that she was in love with me.
What in the actual fu—