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Sungho hasn’t seen him in a while.
More like forever, actually. It’s not like he didn’t want to see him at all. You know, he’s always had a soft spot for Jaehyun after all and did almost everything to clear his schedules just so he could see him like the boy wanted him to.
Life just happens eventually… and you drift apart.
He’s seated in a table filled with familiar faces back from high school that he could still vaguely recognize were Jaehyun’s friends back then. He knew a few people then and there, and could even share a conversation if he really wanted to since almost all of them had something in common anyway—which was knowing Jaehyun from high school. They would bring up past occurrences that only their table would understand, inside jokes that Jaehyun would be known for back then, and Sungho laughs. Genuinely—bright in a way that ached a little due to not doing it so often anymore.
They ask each other about their jobs, how they’ve been, and how they kept up after graduating college. Sungho only brings up his art exhibit when someone he assumes is curious enough asks him directly. They all congratulate him which ends up with him shyly smiling, some nodding in realization and mentioning that Sungho had always liked art back in high school.
He hates that this conversation is all in past tense. Like they’ve all passed and they’re only here to reminisce about the crumbs that it left and it makes Sungho realize something unsettling in his stomach because maybe he was the only person in the table that hadn’t moved on just yet.
He really should’ve though—should’ve let it go way long ago before it lingered around just because he let it happen. Just because he let it stay.
Feeling himself drifting in and out of the conversation, he ends up excusing himself, bringing his drink with him and looking around the venue to find a place quiet enough for him to hear his own thoughts and make them all go quiet at once.
✶
“Yah, hyung,“ Jaehyun’s voice cuts through the silence between them, the familiar hum of the breeze passing like a wave through them.
They were at the rooftop, choosing a considerable time where not many students had gone due to classes and Jaehyun might’ve not just urged Sungho to skip and Sungho might’ve not just given in after seeing his pleading eyes and that stupid definitely not cute pout on his face.
Jaehyun’s lying down on the bench with an arm over his eyes, covering where the sunlight was hitting him and Sungho’s gaze doesn’t linger. His pencil doesn’t move on the sketchbook he brought with him and he doesn’t capture Jaehyun’s free side like a memory, he doesn’t draw him.
“What job would you choose if money didn’t exist in the world?“ Jaehyun continues despite Sungho not acknowledging him at all.
He doesn’t let out a snort. He doesn’t explain to Jaehyun that if the concept of money didn’t exist, there quite literally won’t be any jobs in the world. Jaehyun sighs dramatically in frustration and just explains what he meant.
“I mean, like—if money didn’t matter, or wages, or salaries—what would you want to be, hyung?“ He tries again, now sitting himself up and it doesn’t bother Sungho because his portrait of Jaehyun lying down wasn’t exactly finished yet so he doesn’t end up drawing him out of memory.
Sungho doesn’t think about it. He doesn’t hesitate before responding. “I don’t know. I think I’d want to work in a flowershop. Or maybe become a filmmaker—but it seems too hard. If we’re speaking realistically about money not mattering, then maybe I’ll just retire early and live in a province with not much city stuff going on. Like, you know, own a farm or something and grow old with the cats I have.“
Jaehyun perks up. “I think I’d like that too, hyung. What if we just become neighbors instead? Then we trade each other organic stuff like I bake you pies and you give me freshly harvested honey.“ He rambled excitedly, adding to Sungho’s fantasy.
“I don’t see you baking pies. That’s a little too much.“ Sungho doesn’t chuckle. “You can’t even fry yourself an egg without it burning half-way. At least make it realistic!“
“Hey! I could really learn how to bake if I wanted to, you know!“ He defends himself with an accusing tone. “I’m Myung Jaehyun. This is Myung Jaehyun you’re talking to!“ He grumbles, and Sungho doesn’t let out a bright laugh. He doesn’t notice Jaehyun’s eyes lighting up after either. He really doesn’t
“If you really want to be realistic then maybe… I’ll just be a writer instead. You know that, right? How much I want to write?“ Jaehyun is starting to speak excitedly now. “Maybe I’ll write stuff like Franz Kafka and then you turn it into a movie when you become a filmmaker.“ He changes up the scenario. “I want a movie like the Dead Poets Society.“
Sungho doesn’t smile fondly at Jaehyun mentioning his favorite movie. His heart doesn’t jump at how Jaehyun knew him a little too well and memorized all the little ways to make his heart flutter.
“Or maybe I’ll just write you letters like Kafka did to Milena instead.“ Jaehyun suggests a little proudly.
How ironic. “Weren’t they in an affair?“ Sungho doesn’t murmur. His thoughts doesn’t drift to Jaehyun writing to him in a way that mirrored his usual buttery words towards him.
“Yah, does it matter? I don’t really care—it doesn’t matter if they were in an affair or not, it doesn’t matter if they were lovers—I want to write to you someday just like how Kafka perfectly depicts the feeling of longing.“ Jaehyun murmurs. Sungho doesn’t think in his head do you long for me? Do you long for me like I long for you? He doesn’t consider reading Kafka when he gets home later on.
Jaehyun ends up peeking into his sketchbook which Sungho eventually showing him his drawing of Jaehyun, the boy reacting very much dramatically but he knows it’s genuine anyway.
He doesn’t tell him how pretty he looked while being carefree like that. He doesn’t push back Jaehyun’s hair behind his ear and he doesn’t tell him how much he likes him.
He wishes he did anyway.
✶
The breeze from the balcony feels less suffocating than inside the venue. His hair flows easily with the wind. It grew longer now—and he didn’t wear those stupid glasses anymore that made him look awfully like a nerd.
Recalling the memory—Jaehyun actually did write to him. More so often emailed him a lot when the two of them had moved to different cities due to pursuing their dream universities since it was more practical and worth it that way. It kept him going for a while, actually. Jaehyun talked about his day and finished it with not-so-sweet messages saying he didn’t miss him at all and he didn’t want him to come back knowing the boy felt the exact opposite and he’d just end up responding with I miss you too, Jaehyun.
Though college wasn’t that easy. And Sungho had to deal with his time management as well—unable to give Jaehyun longer hours of the day who always insisted on calling each other as soon as they got out of class.
He regrets it now, because he still remembers the very email that Jaehyun had sent him, talking about how he liked someone in his class—having no clue that it would lead into something else that will ultimately have him in this very position of leaning on the rails of the balcony while staring at the view below.
Sungho turns his head after hearing a few footsteps just behind him and finally comes across Jaehyun after the whole day of just watching from afar. There’s also a drink in his hand, that same stupid smile displayed on his face that always has Sungho’s heart racing no matter how many times he’s seen it already.
“Hyung,” He starts, voice deeper and laced with maturity compared to how he sounded the last time he’d seen him. “You look well.”
Well, fuck.
✶
From: [email protected]
Subject: very important!!!
To my dearest bestfriend, Sungho,
I hope this reaches you well because I have rather big news to share. Like big big news.
But before any of that! I just want you to know that I’ve been doing just fine and I’m having way much more fun in my major than what I expected. I mean, I’ve known that I liked music in high school back then and I can pursue my passion of writing somehow by creating songs of my own like this. I’m really thankful that you’re here to encourage me along the way and I know you’ll support me no matter what.
I find myself thinking of you often these days. I want to know how you’re doing. If you’re eating your meals properly or taking care of yourself enough because I know how you can get during midterms season. I hope you’re okay, hyung. We have yet to see each other soon, so stay healthy, okay?
Back to the main topic! Remember the guy I’ve been talking to you about recently? Well, we’ve been going on dates for a while, right? So far so good and I told you that it’s probably worth a shot getting to know him because he seems like a pretty genuine guy despite me getting intimidated by him at first because of how stoic he looked. And you know what? He really is a nice person, Sungho-hyung. He takes care of me better than I expected and he remembers every small detail that I tell him.
I like him, a lot. And he’s been very transparent about his feelings towards me as well.
He made me a song. Can you believe that, hyung? I don’t think anyone has ever done something so moving for me like that. I liked it so much that my heart ached a little. And I kinda cried in front of him which was really dramatic btw now that I’ve recalled it. You’re the only person who I let myself become vulnerable to just like that, you know? But then again, you also know that I’m just a big crybaby. But it really is different with him, hyung. I feel like I can be myself around him. Like comfortable in a way that I only feel around you.
So, long story short, I have a boyfriend. Myung Jaehyun, your bestfriend, has an actual boyfriend. Are you happy for me? I hope you are, because I’m really, really happy, hyung.
I talk to him about you a lot and when I mentioned that I’m going back to Wonju this summer, he asked me if it would be okay if he comes as well because he wants to meet you too. Here we are now. Please make some time for yourself, and for me, Sungho-hyung. :( I’m really sad that we haven’t been able to talk much recently these days but I know we’ll be just fine with the break coming soon.
P.S. I miss you, Sungho, and I really mean that this time. All the time, really. I can’t wait to see you soon, and so does Taesan. Respond when you can. I love you, always!
Your dearest, Jaehyun
Sungho finds himself staring blankly at the computer screen in front of him. He had just come home from a very long day with his professors being a bitch and which only resulted to him being disappointed in himself because things just wouldn’t go his way today. Opening Jaehyun’s email just made everything even worse, adding a heavier weight on his shoulders.
Did the universe hate him? Why couldn’t anything go his way? Why did things have to be this way every single time? Is it because he always puts up with it? Because he did nothing about it?
The email in front of him starts to blur, only then realizing that tears were now running down his cheeks. He clenches his jaw before letting out a soft sob, letting himself become undone before bringing both of his hands to cover his face, letting the tears stain his cheeks.
He could write a song for Jaehyun if he asked him to. He could sing. Jaehyun heard him sing before. He would do anything for Jaehyun if he asked him to. He would even do more than that. He hates that he can’t blame anyone but himself. Not Jaehyun, not his boyfriend Taesan—no one but himself.
What did Taesan have that he didn’t? Why couldn’t Jaehyun see that there was someone doing all the same things for him all along? Why didn’t Jaehyun notice that whenever he would rush to school all late, Sungho would hand him his water bottle when he met him along the way through the gate without him needing to ask? Why didn’t Jaehyun notice that when they’d have their lunch in the cafeteria, Sungho would already place down his favorite drink and grab the olives in his meal without him needing to ask because he knows he didn’t like olives.
You know, Sungho didn’t even like olives either but he still ate the ones Jaehyun had picked out from his tray anyway.
Why didn’t Jaehyun know that? If he knew, would he end up liking him too? If he told Jaehyun that he didn’t actually like olives, would he end up realizing that Sungho was there all along?
He responds to Jaehyun’s email a few days after everything had sunk into him in a very giddy tone, matching the boy’s excitement and congratulating him while giving a brief overview of how he’s been doing these days as well and which is of course, a lie. He ends it with saying I miss you and I love you too and he wonders if Jaehyun had ever considered saying it in a way that Sungho had always meant ever since.
✶
”You’re married.” Is the first thing that Sungho says right after Jaehyun had complimented his looks like the idea hasn’t sinked in just yet. Jaehyun settles beside him with a laugh, glancing at whatever he saw Sungho staring at before approaching him.
”Yeah,” Jaehyun breathes out, turning his head towards Sungho. ”I’m married.” He shrugs, lifting his glass up with a smile and Sungho clinks his own with his, downing in his drink to hopefully numb whatever he was feeling for Jaehyun at the moment.
Silence easily surrounds the both of them. Sungho is too much of a coward to say anything first—he always has been, really. But right now, he just didn’t trust himself with the words he wanted to say and he definitely wouldn’t be able to handle having the talk with Jaehyun right now. Maybe it’s better off that Jaehyun stays not knowing anything.
”You know, I can’t really believe all of this.” Jaehyun breaks the silence, wind tousling his hair perfectly in a way that made him look even more beautiful with his grown features. ”Getting married, and all that stuff. It feels like we really are growing older.”
The thought of Taesan being able to love every beautiful part of Jaehyun while all he can do is just stare at him from afar without being able to do anything else hurts him a little.
Though he chuckles beside him. ”We are, Jaehyun-ah.” He says softly with a smile on his face. ”I find it hard to believe either.” He admits, only himself knowing what he really meant.
Jaehyun easily lets out a chuckle as well, breathing in the fresh, night air and speaks without looking at Sungho. ”I’m really glad you’re here, Sungho.” He says, sounding too genuine for Sungho’s sanity. ”I couldn’t have done it without you.” He looks down. ”You’re kind of the reason why I’m Myung Jaehyun right now, do you know that? You’ve taught me a lot of things as a hyung and I could never be more grateful.”
Sungho swallows a lump down his throat. He doesn’t open his mouth to respond, not trusting himself enough because he already knows his voice will break even if he tries to say one word.
”You probably don’t even remember this, but I hope it made you feel gloomy if you actually did,” Jaehyun giggles to himself and Sungho turns his head to the sound. ”You know when we were in high school and we kind of made this promise to just marry each other if we still didn’t have a partner by the age of thirty?” He laughs easily while recalling the memory.
Sungho only smiles at the childishness, realizing how much they relied on each other back then. He actually remembers it. Thinks of it more often than he knows. But he doesn’t say that.
”Are you sad that I got married first?” Jaehyun attempts to tease him and Sungho only rolls his eyes.
”Yes, I’m sad that you’re getting married and you’re abandoning me as a bestfriend.” Sungho indulges him defeatedly, smiling at Jaehyun who laughs, all bright and familiar just like how he did when Sungho watched him in high school.
”I’m not abandoning you.” Jaehyun insists. ”If anything—you were first. Even Taesan himself knows that.” He adds to the joking atmosphere, and no matter how light it feels with Jaehyun—Sungho tries not to notice his chest growing heavier with each passing minute.
It’s unfair, really. That Jaehyun is saying all this stuff to him yet he’s bound to marry another man anyway. Sungho hates that it ends up making him think about what could’ve been even more.
”Han Taesan doesn’t know shit.” He chuckles and Jaehyun laughs with him as well, nudging Sungho using his elbow playfully.
”Yah, don’t do my husband like that.” Jaehyun grins, the word husband slipping from his mouth confidently like he’d accepted it a long time ago. Too proudly that makes Sungho remember that he really was getting married after all—is becoming a husband and probably starting a family of his own—all the little things Sungho had dreamt of doing with Jaehyun when he was on the other side of the world.
”I don’t think we could’ve been a good couple if we married each other anyway.” Jaehyun starts again, shrugging.
Sungho blinks, acknowledging the idea. “Why not?” He gives it a thought now that Jaehyun had mentioned it. Him watching Jaehyun walk in the altar with a bouquet he had in his hands, exchanging their vows and Sungho kissing him like all he had ever wanted in his life.
”There’s that saying where some couples are better off as friends sometimes because they don’t really click as lovers, you know?” Jaehyun murmurs, tipping his glass.
”You never know.” Sungho shrugs, feeling himself growing braver after finishing a few glasses of whiskey.
Jaehyun seems amused beside him, smiling at Sungho earnestly. ”What?” He chuckles, biting his lip. ”Are you saying you want to marry me?” The question is lighthearted and playful and Sungho knows Jaehyun means it as a joke but his heart still stutters after hearing it anyway.
”I’m saying that I would be a good husband.” He smiles, the words leaving his lips easily. ”Would treat you well and all that husband stuff.” He doesn’t even know he would be able to have a conversation with Jaehyun like this.
Jaehyun laughs, rolling his eyes. ”I know. That’s why I made that promise back then, dummy. Obviously I considered what it would be like to marry you.”
Sungho’s breath hitches just slightly, but he hides it by forcing a laugh out of his throat, ignoring the way his chest pressed a little tighter and how his heart hammered against his ribs like it was about to reach past every bone just to grab on Jaehyun and tell him why didn’t you? Why didn’t you marry me then?
”Yeah?” He wets his lips. ”What did you think?” He turns to Jaehyun this time.
Jaehyun meets his gaze, a soft smile on his face. ”I think we would’ve been happy. And I would’ve baked you pies while you harvested all those healthy stuff in our farm that I didn’t exactly like due to them being vegetables most of the time.”
”And then you would’ve read the new chapters of your novel to me before we slept with our pet cats that you were scared of at first, hm?” Sungho laughs, but his eyes are tearing up, and so are Jaehyun’s.
Jaehyun breaks first, like usual. Lips trembling and nose slowly turning red as he lifted his arm to wipe the tears running down his cheeks. A smile instinctively forms on Sungho’s face. He was such a crybaby. He always has been.
”I still don’t think you’re able to bake pies, Jaehyun-ah.” He jokes, voice breaking just slightly due to the tears running down his own face as well—and just like he wanted him to, Jaehyun laughs.
”I think we would’ve loved each other a lot, hyung.” Now Jaehyun was starting to get sentimental, which clearly didn’t do Sungho any good because he was on the verge of breaking as well if he continued to keep this conversation up.
”We love each other plenty right now, Jaehyun-ah.” Sungho smiles despite him. Despite tears of his own running down his cheeks. Despite his heart clenching so badly. Despite his brain screaming at him to tell him, tell him you’ve loved him all along, Sungho, tell him you would make every single fantasy come true, make him achieve every single dream he’s ever had—but he doesn’t.
Because he knows this is how far it’ll go. They’ll go.
Jaehyun stares at him with glistened eyes for a moment like he was taking in Sungho’s appearance before wrapping his arms around him, engulfing him into a hug while tucking his head onto the crook of his neck. Sungho can feel Jaehyun’s tears dampening his suit and he can’t help but smile because of it.
He wraps his arms around Jaehyun’s back, resting his chin on his shoulder as he caresses his back to soothe his tears. Jaehyun was crying even harder than him when he was the one whose love was unrequited anyway.
”I love you, hyung.” Jaehyun murmurs, sniffling against his neck.
No matter how many times Jaehyun says it to him, he knows it’ll never be just like the way he wants him to mean it anyway.
”I’m happy for you, Jaehyun.” Sungho says. ”I’m really happy for you.”
So maybe this was okay. Maybe Sungho is fine with keeping his love for Jaehyun as a memory like this.
He can give Jaehyun away to someone who deserves such a precious person like he was. Someone who’ll love him the way he does—but never more. Fuck no. Sungho had loved that boy all his life and like no one else ever had—in a way that exceeded the concept of money—boundless—more than Kafka had loved Milena, and maybe more than Han Taesan.
And maybe he’ll just end up doing it forever. Loving Myung Jaehyun in his own quiet way.
But a thought lingers—that maybe, just maybe, if they have inyeon—maybe they would be sharing vows in a church and Sungho would proudly say that he married his bestfriend in the afterparty speech and he’s happy. They’re both happy.
✶
From: [email protected]
Subject: how are you doing?
To my dearest bestfriend, Sungho,
How are you doing? It’s been a while since we’ve last talked nor seen each other and I can only really keep up with you on social media these days (not that I’m complaining because I love seeing your art work. And what?! You’re hosting an art exhibit of your own? I can’t believe I’m not the first one to know about it… I’m definitely coming with Taesan and analyze every single brush stroke knowing how much of a perfectionist you are.) so I hope this is not too sudden.
Thank you for being the bestest friend I’ve ever had. And for doing so, I’d like you to be the best man at me and Taesan’s wedding considering that you’ve done so much for me and for him.
That’s not an offer, by the way! That’s me straight up deciding that you’re my best man and you have no choice but to put up with it because your bestfriend is getting married! Get a suit ready and bring a plus one if you can! I’m sure Sanghyuk-hyung will be more than happy to accompany you that day. ㅋㅋㅋㅋ
Please contact me soon once you’re free from all that very much famous artist stuff! You have a wedding to attend to. :) I miss you much more than you know. And I love you even more.
Your dearest, Jaehyun
From: [email protected]
Subject: Congratulations!
My dearest, Jaehyun,
I have no words left to say but: I’m really happy for the both of you. Getting married is a very big responsibility and I would be lying if I said I’m not worried, but I know you and Taesan will do just fine. I’ve seen it coming anyway since Taesan had told me to come with him when buying the ring for you because he said I was your bestfriend and I knew you better than anyone else ever had. (And yes, I opened an art exhibit. I told you about it, didn’t I? What’s there to sulk for? ㅋㅋ Please visit as well, Jaehyun-ah. You and Taesan can go ahead and pick a piece that you like and it’ll be my gift for the both of you. How does that sound?)
I’d love to be your best man, Jaehyun. I don’t think I would have it any other way. In fact, you’d lose the bestest friend you’ve ever had if you even choose someone else to be the best man at your wedding, you know!
I really can’t believe I’m growing old with you, Jaehyun. We’ve seen every side of each other and here you are now, getting married. I can still remember the first time you met Taesan-ah. You were so giddy in your emails that you wrote to me and how you always rambled about him whenever we called. I would’ve never expected for things to go this far between you two.
But I’m glad it’s him. And I’m happy you chose to settle down with him. I’m happy you’re happy, Jaehyun-ah.
I hope you two will take care of each other well. I hope he takes care of you even better than I do. ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ I will let Sanghyuk know! And I also know what you’re trying to do, you’re not as slick as you think! (How do you even know about him? I don’t think I’ve mentioned anyone to you just yet!)
I hope we can meet soon while arranging the wedding! Congratulations, Jaehyun. I miss you too, and you know I love you. Sending my best wishes to both of you.
P.S. And tell Taesan he still owes me a drink!
Your dearest bestfriend, Sungho