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Wylan had been Jesper’s boyfriend for as long as he could remember.
Well, scratch that.
Wylan had been Jesper’s pretend boyfriend for as long as he could remember.
They had been playing this game for so long, that Wylan didn’t think he’d know what it would be like to not be Jesper’s ‘boyfriend’.
The first time it had happened, he had no idea what to think.
Wylan was freshly seventeen and at a house party hosted by someone in their year Jesper knew that he couldn’t name for the life of him. Not that it mattered though, Jesper had invited him (and the rest of their friend group), so Wylan had gone.
He had spent most of the night attached to Jesper’s hip, whether they were in the kitchen trying to find something to drink that wasn’t disgusting, dancing in the middle of the living room like it was just the two of them, or sitting in a circle playing some stupid game. They had been together the whole night.
Now, though, Wylan found himself alone as he leaned against the wall, holding two cans as he waited for Jesper to come back from the toilet. It was late, definitely into the early morning, and though Wylan was enjoying his night and enjoying spending time with Jesper and their other friends, he was secretly hoping Jesper would say they could call for a taxi soon.
“Hey.”
Wylan turned, hand already outstretched to give Jesper his drink back, but stopped and frowned when he saw someone he didn’t recognise standing in front him. “Um, hi? Sorry, am I in your way?”
“No, no. I came over to talk to you.” The man smiled.
Wylan frowned again. “Sorry, do I know you?”
“Not yet you don’t.” He smiled and took a step forward, and Wylan instinctively took a step back, his back softly colliding with the wall. “I’m James.”
“Er, Wylan.”
James laughed, though Wylan didn’t find anything funny. “Yeah, I know. I’ve seen you around school.”
Wylan just blinked, unsure how to respond. He didn’t recognise James at all. He was cute, slightly taller than Wylan with soft brown that to match his brown eyes. Sure, he looked nice, but not rememberable, not like-
“You here with friends?”
“Um, yeah. I’m waiting for one of them to get back from the bathroom.”
“And they left you all alone, how sad.” James took another step towards Wylan, and Wylan had nowhere to go. “Luckly, I’m here to save the day.”
“… Right.” Wylan was never big on words, but he was struggling to even come up with a full sentence in front of his guy. “I’m sure he’ll be back soon.”
“Let’s hope not.” James put a hand on the wall, leaning down slightly so their faces were a few inches from each other. “I think I’d like to get to know you better.”
“Um, I-”
“Wylan!”
Wylan whipped his head to the side, with James jumping back just in time to not be smacked in the face, and Wylan let out a sigh of relief when he saw Jesper making his way towards him.
The relief was short lived, though, when Jesper frowned at James, and wrapped an arm around Wylan’s waist, smiling at him and taking his drink back. Wylan instinctively leaned into Jesper’s side, the touch familiar and comforting to him. Jesper had always been a physical person, likely from how often his mother would hug and kiss him when she was alive, and it lived in Jesper, spreading to all of those around him.
Though when Jesper opened his mouth and spoke, Wylan’s brain short circuited, and the comfortability quickly turned into confusion. “Hey, babe, thanks for holding my drink.”
Jesper leaned down to give Wylan a kiss on the cheek, and Wylan knew that Jesper would have been able to feel how hot his face had turned. “What are yo-”
“Hey man, I was just talking to Wylan here.”
Wylan turned to watch James talk, and then turned back to look at Jesper’s face, seeing it in an uncharacteristically blank expression. “James, didn’t think you’d turn up here.”
“Oh, and why is that?” James lifted a single eyebrow, and Wylan could practically see the tension between the two of them. Jesper wasn’t unfamiliar with confrontation, Wylan had seen him fight many people both verbally and physically, but there was always reason. Wylan couldn’t see what James had done to annoy him.
“Because last I heard, Melanie dumped you for fucking her best friend. Didn’t think she’d let you near her house again.”
James laughed without any humour in it. “She’s too busy trying to get with Damian, fuck knows why, the guys a freak. Anyways, I’m not interested in her, or Zemira, I have my eyes on someone else.”
James turned his eyes back to Wylan, the first time he had looked at him since Jesper had joined them, and Wylan felt the hand around his waist tighten. Wylan finally understood what was happening, why James had been talking to him, and if Wylan wasn’t so uncomfortable with the situation, he would’ve been flattered that this man wanted him.
“Yeah? Well, he’s not interested.”
“I think he can speak for himself.”
“I think his boyfriend can speak for him just fine.”
And Wylan’s brain broke.
Wylan had been waiting to hear those words for the three years he had known Jesper, since he was fourteen and stepping into a public school for the first time in his life, looking shyly at the boy from his homeroom class that had been assigned to give him a tour of the school (an alternative for detention, Wylan had later learned, and he thanked Miss Walker for giving Jesper into trouble every day). He had longed for Jesper to look at him the way they did in romantic movies. To hold him or kiss him or to do anything with him. But this? This isn’t what he expected.
Honestly? He had expected these feelings to last forever, and to never have them acted on, only to have them crushed and break him in the process when Jesper would introduce him to his partner for life. It would never be Wylan Van Eck.
And it still wasn’t. So why had Jesper said they were boyfriends?
“You’re dating him?” Wylan didn’t like the tone in James’ voice, the infliction towards Jesper. As if Wylan could be too good for him, what a laugh.
“And?”
“And?” James’ laughed right in Jesper’s face, and Wylan could feel Jesper’s arm grow stiff where it was still holding him. “And, I’ve never seen you with someone longer than one night. There is no way the whore, Jesper Fahey, has settled down, and not with innocent little Wylan.”
The hand around Wylan ripped itself away, and Wylan stumbled to the side as Jesper took a step forward towards James’, his face murderous and his nostrils flaring. “You better watch your fucking mouth.”
“Or what?”
“Or-”
“Enough.”
A cane shot through the two men, and Wylan let out a deep sigh of relief when he saw Kaz standing there, quickly glaring at Jesper before turning to James, the look on his face mirroring Jesper’s. Wylan often forget just how brotherly they were, sometimes it made his heart hurt seeing them interact with each other.
“Kaz, did you fucking hear what-”
“Yes, I heard, and I’ll deal with it. Walk away before you end up murdering someone in plain sight.” Wylan wasn’t sure how he felt about the emphasis being on witnesses and not the crime, but then again, he wasn’t surprised.
“But I-”
“Walk.” Kaz snapped, and then he sent a pointed look at Wylan, who quickly got the memo and grabbed Jesper’s arm, pulling him along until Jesper succumbed and followed Wylan away from the scene. Wylan pointedly did not look back to see what Kaz was doing, until they were outside in the bark garden, far away enough from everyone else that only Wylan and Jesper were near.
“I’m sorry.” Was the first thing Wylan blurted out, watching as Jesper’s face turned from anger to confusion.
“Why the hell are you sorry? That guy was an arsehole.”
“I’m sorry you had to step in to help me. I didn’t realise he was hitting on me. I’ve never…” Wylan swallowed, folded his arms against his chest, and looked down at his shoes. “I’ve never had someone interested in me.”
“Oh, really?” From the little of Jesper that Wylan could see, Jesper wasn’t moving an inch, wasn’t rolling on the balls of his feet or wringing his hands or doing anything. Wylan didn’t know what to make of it. “Did I… did I make a mistake with interrupting?”
Wylan blinked, looked up at Jesper’s face, and couldn’t read the expression on there. Normally, Jesper was like an open book, everyone knew what he was thinking and what he was feeling from just glancing at him. But right now, Wylan didn’t have a clue. “No, you didn’t. I didn’t know what was happening or why he was talking to me. I guess it’s nice to know someone saw me and was interested enough to speak to me, but he was horrible.”
“Good.” Jesper took a step forward, smiling down at Wylan and reaching his hand out to tuck a lose curl behind his ear. “You deserve a prince, Wy.”
Wylan laughed, though Jesper didn’t smile at it. “I think that’s pushing my luck. Like I said, that’s the first time someone’s ever been interested in me, and he was an idiot. Not a great track record so far.”
Jesper sighed, pulling his hand away from where it had been resting against the side of Wylan’s face, biting his lip and looking so intensely at the boy in front of him, that Wylan felt stuck on the spot from the stare. “You don’t know that. He might have been the first person to come up to you, but I seriously doubt that there hasn’t been many people interested in you. You’re perfect, Wylan, better than perfect. Don’t settle for less than what you deserve.”
Wylan didn’t know how to feel. This soft spoken, sweetly smiling Jesper was rare, coming out far and few between, but it was one of Wylan’s favourites. Jesper loved to laugh, he loved to be loud and boisterous, but every now and then, when it was just them two, Jesper would let his guard down just that little bit, and Wylan cherished every second of it.
Despite how much he loved to see Jesper like this, it also broke his brain. Sometimes he would think it meant that Jesper felt something for him, that he felt the way Wylan had felt for years, but then the next day he would find Jesper locking lips with some random person, and Wylan would feel his heart break over and over again.
Loving Jesper Fahey was a sure path to disaster. But it was one Wylan had accepted a long time ago.
When had his feeling even turned into love? Wylan had never been in love before, he hadn’t even felt love since his mother left, so how was he entitled to call what he felt for Jesper love?
But when he thought about it, how could it not be love? When he woke up each morning, his first thought was of Jesper, if he was awake yet and how he had slept the night before. When he arrived at school, his first instinct was to search for Jesper, not feeling right until he looked into his grey eyes and saw that gorgeous grin directed towards him. When he made his way home after a long day, he wondered what Jesper would do when he got home, whether he would go straight to his homework (probably not), whether he would help his da on the farm, or whether he would call Wylan, as he had been doing more and more often of late. When he laid in bed at night staring up at his dark ceiling, he would wonder if Jesper was asleep yet or not, if he was in bed in the same position as Wylan, if he was thinking of him.
Yeah, Wylan loved Jesper. Wylan was probably put on earth just to love Jesper.
“I’m sorry he said that about you. What he called you.”
Jesper smiled at him sadly, exhaling a small laugh. “It’s not like it isn’t true. Everyone knows I sleep around. Everyone knows to come to me for a quick night of fun.”
“It doesn’t mean he should have called you a whore.” Wylan replied, deciding to be bold and reach out for Jesper’s hand, taking it in his and squeezing it lightly, holding back his delight when Jesper squeezed back. “There’s nothing wrong with not wanting a committed relationship. He shouldn’t have called you that.”
“Yeah, well, I don’t think he’ll be saying anything to me again after Kaz deals with him.”
Wylan snorted. “That boy both hates you and loves you way too much.”
Jesper laughed then, a true laugh, and Wylan had never heard something so beautiful. “I know, it’s like whiplash.” Jesper’s smile then quickly turned into a frown, and Wylan liked that much less. “He shouldn’t have called you innocent either.”
“What?” Wylan looked at him confused, then realised and waved his hand in dismissal. “Oh, it’s fine. I don’t care.”
“You should.” Jesper said quickly. “It’s like calling you a child. It’s stupid.”
Wylan shrugged his shoulders, looking down at their still linked hands. “Well, I don’t think he was really wrong… I’ve never even kissed anyone.”
“I don’t think that makes someone innocent or not.” Jesper said, then a wicked grin took over his face. “I’ve heard some of the things that comes out of your mouth, definitely not innocent.”
“Ugh, be quiet.” Wylan groaned, not being able to help the small smile on his face when Jesper chuckled.
Jesper smiled at him, and Wylan wasn’t too sure if his heart was still beating. “I’m sorry about calling you my boyfriend too, by the way. It was the first thing I could think of to get him away from you.”
Wylan could now feel his heart beating wildly in his chest, was he having a heart attack? “Oh, it’s fine. You’re not the worst person to be shackled to.”
Jesper laughed, letting go of Wylan’s hand to wrap an arm around his shoulders and guiding them back to the house.
They quickly got lost in the music and the drink, and forgot about the confrontation or their conversation for the rest of night (though Wylan did spend a few hours when he was lying in bed trying to imprint the feeling of Jesper calling them boyfriends), and Wylan thought that would’ve been the end of it.
And it was, for about a week.
“Jesper Fahey and Wylan Van Eck!” Wylan looked up from his sandwich, watching Nina stomp over to the lunch table they were sitting at. Wylan stole a glance over at Jesper sitting next to him, who just shrugged in response, looking as clueless as Wylan felt.
Nina threw herself down in the seat next to Matthias, and the five people around the table all stared at her.
“Nina, darling, care to explain why you look like you want to murder us?” Jesper asked, raising one eyebrow and leaning back slightly.
“I want to know why you didn’t tell me you two are dating?”
“What?” Wylan and Inej both shrieked at the same time.
“Why did I have to hear it from Thea of all people?” Nina glared at the both of them. “Why the hell wasn’t I the first to know? She didn’t even hear from you, she was told from James. That’s like… Third-hand information!”
And then it clicked in Wylan’s brain, and a sinking feeling in his gut had begun to grow. “Oh, no, we-”
“Are we not allowed to be a little mysterious?” Jesper smirked, looking over at Wylan and winking. Wylan frowned, trying to figure out what the hell Jesper was doing. “We didn’t tell you because we knew you would go batshit crazy.”
“Of course I would!” Nina threw her hands up in the air, sighing and leaning into Matthias’ side. “It’s about time you two got together!”
“Sorry?” Wylan felt like he was ten steps behind the conversation.
“Oh, don’t give me that look, Wylan. You’ve both been obsessed with each other for so long, you were bound to get together eventually. Inej, back me up!” Nina responded, looking over at Inej, who just shrugged her shoulders innocently and smiled.
Wylan could feel his cheeks growing red, and he ducked his head to try and hide it from everyone at the lunch table. It was a few months ago when Wylan confessed to Nina and Inej about his crush on Jesper during a late-night sleepover at Inej’s. Of course, he hadn’t outright told them, but had been persuaded to tell them everything after Nina cornered him, nearly strapping him to a chair and putting a lamp in front of his face. It was deeply embarrassing, Wylan’s plan was to take his crush to the grave, but he had to admit that it was comforting to be able to tell someone about his constant thoughts of Jesper, to be able to just scream over text at any time and be understood.
So, he understood them being excited about ‘getting together’, and he was grateful Nina had said they were both into each other, instead of Wylan just being creepily infatuated with Jesper, even if it was a lie and Wylan knew Jesper wasn’t interested in him.
“Yeah, well, I think we make a pretty hot couple.” Jesper grinned, wrapping an arm around Wylan’s shoulders and pulled him closer, who went with no protest, though the blush was beginning to feel permanent on his face. “You scared we have you and Matthias beat for best couple in the school?”
Nina scoffed. “Not a chance. Enemies to lovers’ trumps friends to lovers’ every day of the week.”
“You were hardly enemies.” Wylan was finding it harder and harder to concentrate on the conversation, especially when Jesper started moving his thumb side to side on Wylan’s shoulder. “It was more like two people who disliked each other slightly but all you really wanted to do was fuck.”
“Can we please end this conversation before it delves into Nina and I’s private life.” Matthias chimed in, his cheeks bright red and his head dipped down.
Wylan watched as Nina turned to look at him, grinning unapologetically and kissing him lightly on the cheek, only resulting in his cheeks growing a deeper red. Wylan both wished that Jesper would do that to him, and hoped that Jesper would get as far away from him as possible.
Jesper done neither though, he just laughed and squeezed Wylan, pulling him closer to him.
Wylan’s heart didn’t stop racing until he and Jesper had parted ways, Jesper going to gym, and Wylan making his way to the other side of the school for chemistry.
“Wylan.”
Wylan jumped in his skin, managing to narrowly avoid slamming himself into a row of lockers. Turning around, he saw Inej standing there, staring at Wylan nonchalantly.
“Aren’t you supposed to be going to dance?”
“I told the teacher I had to get my shoes from my locker.”
“Your locker is nowhere near here.”
“Is it not? Oh well, I guess I’ll just walk you to class while I’m here.”
Wylan knew she was lying, but he indulged her, shrugging his shoulders and walking in step with her to his class.
“So,” Inej began. “You and Jesper?”
Wylan held back a groan. He didn’t want to lie to one of his closest friends (not that there was many), but part of him wanted to give into the fantasy. He wanted to be Jesper’s boyfriend, even if it wasn’t real. He knew this wouldn’t last forever, Jesper would grow bored and forget about it, and everyone would move on when Jesper was seen hooking up with someone at a party. But for now, Wylan wanted to have fun. “It’s still new, we wanted to figure it out and get comfortable before we told anyone.”
Inej looked over at him, but Wylan refused to make eye contact, knowing the guilt of the lie would be plastered right on his face for anyone to see. “I just imagined that you would run to me and Nina straight away after Jesper asked you out.”
Wylan stopped in his tracks, and Inej turned around to look at him, raising one eyebrow. “What makes you think he asked me out? It might have been me.”
Inej smiled at him, a knowing smile that Wylan glared at. “Wylan, you know I love you, and I don’t mean this in a rude way at all, but I just don’t see you asking him out. Or am I wrong?”
Wylan blinked, then blushed. He wanted to tell her that she was wrong, because Jesper would never be interested in him, and so would never ask him out. Jesper was gorgeous, his smile was radiating, his fashion sense (while bright) was so captivating and so him, his muscles were pronounced and swooning, his hair, his earrings, his laugh, his touch, his everything. It was too much for Wylan, and Wylan was not enough for Jesper.
That was what he wanted to tell her, but instead he said, “You don’t always have to be right, you know.”
Inej laughed softly, moving back to walk side by side with Wylan. “Both Nina and I are expecting a sleepover soon so you can tell us every detail.”
Wylan wasn’t surprised. What he actually was surprised about, was not having a million texts from Nina already telling him the date and location of their next sleepover so they could corner and confront Wylan.
When the final bell for school rang, Wylan wasn’t all that shocked to find Jesper outside his classroom, waiting for him to leave. “Did you ditch last period again?”
“It’s only maths. You know I avoid that like the plague.”
Wylan rolled his eyes, pulling his satchel further up his shoulder and beginning to walk to the nearest exit, Jesper right beside him. “You’re not going to be singing the same tune when you fail your exam.”
“That won’t happen. I’m planning to get you to cram teach me everything I need to know the night before.”
Wylan looked over at him, raising an unimpressed eyebrow to Jesper’s grinning face. “And why would I do that?”
“Because you’re my boyfriend and you’re supposed to help me in moments of crisis.”
Wylan stopped walking, and Jesper stopped too. They looked into each other’s eyes, and Wylan couldn’t focus on anyone around them. He didn’t hear any of the other students complaining about them standing in the middle of the corridor, didn’t see teachers ushering them to move along, nothing else mattered but Jesper standing in front of him. “Jesper, what are you doing?”
Wylan watched Jesper swallow, and there was an almost shy look on his face. “Are you getting picked up today?”
“No.”
“Is your dad expecting you to come home straight away?”
“He’s out of the country on a business trip.”
“Perfect. Want to go get ice cream?”
An hour later, Wylan found himself sitting in a booth across from Jesper at their favourite ice cream parlour. Wylan had gotten his typical order of mint chocolate chip with crushed Oreos and chocolate sauce, while Jesper, always changing his order, decided to go for bubble gum with frozen strawberries and caramel sauce. Wylan thought it looked disgusting, and refused to try any of it, but Jesper seemed happy enough.
“I panicked when Nina came barrelling over to us.” Jesper explained, surprisingly discussing the conversation straight away, rather than taking his usual route of ignoring it until Wylan forced it out of him. “I panicked that James would find out it was fake and do something stupid to you.”
“You know if we told our friends the truth, they would have kept it a secret, though.”
“Yeah, I know.” Jesper said, and Wylan could see a small smile on his lips. “I thought that at the same time as I panicked. And then I thought it would be funny to mess with Nina and lie to her.”
Wylan stared at his best friend, narrowing his eyebrows and giving him an almost glare. “That’s silly.”
Jesper just shrugged his shoulders. “I know, but the girl annoys me all of the time. I thought it would be a good opportunity to get her back.”
They were silent for a moment, Wylan unsure how to respond, and Jesper clearly having a mental battle and what to say next. “I’ll phone her later and explain it’s a lie.”
“Why?”
Jesper looked up from where he was stabbing his ice cream to Wylan, cocking his head to the side, and Wylan had to take a deep breath in an attempt to control the beating of his heart. “Um… Because I was being stupid continuing this lie with our friends. Because you’re obviously uncomfortable and I’ve clearly overstepped a line.”
It was rare for Wylan to see Jesper embarrassed, to see him awkward and quiet. He didn’t like it. “Well, Nina can get on my nerves sometimes, too.”
Jesper smiled softly, giving a little chuckle. “She’d kill us if we kept up this lie.”
“She won’t if she doesn’t find out.”
Jesper let his spoon drop, leaning back into the booth and frowning. “Are you saying you want to continue this lie? To pretend to be dating?”
“Why not? It could be fun.” Wylan wouldn’t tell him the main reason he wanted to do this so badly, which was so he could get a taste of what it would be like to date Jesper Fahey. He would never get the chance to actually be his, so who could blame Wylan for taking this chance? “It’ll also stop creeps like James from cornering me again. Plus, it’ll be my shot at having a sweet high school romance.”
“You’re acting like no one wants you, Wylan.”
“Do you see anyone knocking down my door to take me out on a date? James was the first ever.”
“Maybe you’re just not looking hard enough.”
Wylan coughed, taking a bite of his ice cream to try and cool his reddening cheeks. “So, how are we doing this?”
“Well, we can’t tell anyone the truth. One stupid person spilling their mouth will ruin it.”
“Kaz will probably find out. He knows everything.”
“I can deal with Kaz.” Jesper said. “If there’s one thing he loves more than humiliating me, it’s humiliating Nina.”
Wylan laughed. “I really don’t know how you put up with being friends with him.”
“Hey! You’re friends with him too.”
“I’m not as close to him as you are. You’re his best friend.” Wylan said. “That takes guts.”
“And a lot of alcohol.”
Wylan laughed, but then grew quiet as a thought popped in his head. “If we do this, people are going to think you’re off the market.”
Jesper frowned. “So?”
“So, I know you’re not into relationships or dating or anything, real ones I mean, but people won’t want to… be with you for a night if they think you’re taken.”
“Oh.” Jesper was quiet then, swirling the quickly melting ice cream in his bowl. “Sex isn’t everything to me, Wylan.”
Wylan blushed, but this time out of shame.” No, I know! I just meant- I know that- I know you… Fuck. I didn’t mean to make you sound like…”
“Like a whore?” Jesper said with a light laugh, though Wylan felt like anything but laughing. In fact, he felt like he was going to vomit the ice cream he just ate. “I don’t care if you think I sleep around, Wylan. I mean, I do sleep around. And sure, I enjoy it, but I’m sure my dick will handle a little less action. Plus, there’s always some weirdo who’s into being a mistress if I’m really craving it.”
Wylan didn’t want to speak, he didn’t want to open his mouth and say something he didn’t mean and be the worst friend in the world and have Jesper hate him and have Jesper never speak to him again-
“Wylan. Come back to me.”
Wylan’s eyes zeroed in on the hand that Jesper’s own hand had covered, his thin plain fingers being enveloped by Jesper’s ring filled fingers of his own. “Wylan, hun, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. I know you don’t think of me that way. I don’t even really care that people see me that way. It’s true, it doesn’t bother me.”
“Saying you’re a whore makes you sound cheap, though.” Wylan said softly. “It’s makes you sound like some horrible person, rather than just someone to enjoys some fun.”
“I know that, you know that, so fuck what everyone else thinks of me.” Jesper said, and then grinned. “You know, you’re doing pretty well at this whole supporting part of the relationship.”
“Oh, shut up.”
The rest of their afternoon was spent eating their ice cream and teasing each other, both growing comfortable with their usual dynamic. Wylan liked this, he liked spending time with Jesper, being able to talk about anything and everything. But he also liked the idea of someone walking past the window they were sitting next to, looking at their pair of them and thinking what a cute couple they were. Wylan hoped people were thinking that.
When they were standing at the side of the road, waiting for the taxi Wylan had ordered to take them both home after refusing to fight to get on an overcrowded bus, Jesper stuck out his hand. “Give me your phone.”
Wylan frowned, but done so without complaint, watching Jesper fiddle with it for a minute before giving it back. “What did you- oh.”
Wylan’s home screen was no longer a picture of his flute lying on top of sheet music, but was now a photo of him and Jesper that Inej had taken for them months ago. They had been at a theme park all day, and they were nearing to the end of the day when Wylan left their group of friends to find somewhere quiet to breathe before going back to the chaos. Jesper had found him after a couple of moments, sitting next to him on the cub and letting Wylan rest his head on his shoulder and putting an arm around him. Inej had snuck up behind them, taken a photo, and sent it to Wylan later on that night.
Wylan loved that photo, he had always thought it made them look like a couple.
“Most couples have photos of each other as their home screen. I just thought we shouldn’t be any different.”
Wylan loved it. He had actually thought of making the photo his home screen when Inej had first sent it to him, but then he imagined the pain of having to look at it multiple times a day, knowing that Jesper wasn’t really his, and decided against it. “That makes sense. Are you going to change yours?”
“Of course. I just need to find a good photo.”
“Wait a minute.” Wylan pocketed his phone, turning to face Jesper and crossing his arms across his chest. “You get to choose my home screen, but I don’t get to choose yours?”
“You can if you want.”
“Obviously I want to. Give me your phone.”
“Hold on.” Wylan watched Jesper take out his phone and unlock it, clicking on his camera roll and clicking a few other buttons before handing it over to Wylan.
“What, you don’t trust me with your phone?”
“I have way too many photos for you to sift through, and some of them are not appropriate for your eyes.” Wylan blushed hard. “Besides, I thought it would make it easier if I went onto your album.”
“My album?” Wylan looked down at the phone, and could make out his name at the top of the screen, one of the few words he could recognise and understand from memorising the pattern of the curves and swoops of the letters.
“I have an album of all of my photos of you and us.”
Wylan felt his heart skip a beat, quickly scrolling through the album, there must have been hundreds of photos. “Do you do this with all of our friends?”
“… Yes.”
Wylan secretly wished the answer was no, that Wylan was special enough to Jesper to be the only person worthy of an album. But that was childish thinking, and Wylan was rational. “Okay, okay, let me look through them and pick something.”
“Be nice to me.”
Wylan was really tempted to pick something awful, especially when he saw a few that were definitely not flattering to Jesper (though he still looked gorgeous, or maybe Wylan was just biased), but he ended up deciding on a photo taken nearly a year ago when the group had been out for dinner, probably during one of those times they were trying to be sensible people, rather than just lounging around one of their houses and eating junk food until they felt sick. Wylan and Jesper were sitting next to each other, and Jesper must’ve said something funny, because Wylan was leaning into his side, mouth open and head thrown back slightly in laugher. Jesper was looking down at him, smile on his lips and eyes slightly crinkled, and the look he was giving Wylan, well, if Wylan didn’t know better, he would say it looked like Jesper was in love with him.
“That one. Change it to that one.”
Jesper looked at the photo for a few seconds, long enough for Wylan to nearly snatch the phone back and pick a different one, before Jesper nodded and changed it. “Good choice.”
Their taxi pulled up in front of them, and both boys climbed into the back, Wylan giving the man the address to Jesper’s house.
“You know,” Jesper said as the taxi began to pull away. “A lot of couples make out in the back of taxis.”
Wylan pushed his face away with his hand.
Later than night, when Wylan was doing his ritual of lying in bed and staring at the ceiling while thinking of Jesper, he heard his phone ping. Reaching over to take it off the nightstand, he clicked on the text and listened to this text-to-voice read it aloud.
Jesper: You know, out of everyone in the school to fake date, I’m glad you’re mine
And so they quickly fell into a routine, one that was strangely almost identical to what they had been doing before. They would message in the morning while getting ready. They would often meet outside Jesper’s locker to chat before the bell rang for first period. They would go to their group’s usual hang out spot under the tree during break, gravitating to each other like they always had. When the bell rang, Jesper would walk Wylan to class before making his way to his own. They would meet again at lunch at the table their group had claimed, sitting so close together that their legs pushed against one another, and Jesper would always give Wylan the extra packet of biscuits he always seemed to pack for lunch.
They would go their separate ways to their final classes, and once school was done, they would either go out to town or back to Jesper’s farm if Wylan wasn’t being monitored by his father, or they would call each other as soon as they were home, talking for hours until one of them was summoned to dinner. Late at night, they would text the odd thing, before one of them would fall asleep first. And like always, Wylan would fall asleep with the thought of Jesper Fahey on his mind.
There were only a few noticeable differences between them being friends and being in a ‘relationship’. Jesper had gotten even more touchy in public, constantly wrapping his arm around Wylan, kissing his cheek for a greeting, holding his hand and squeezing it as a goodbye. He would often look over to Jesper, whether he was next to him or across the room, and find him staring at him, a small smile spreading on his face before he either winked or just looked away.
Wylan also noticed the looks other people gave them. Kaz and Inej both looked at them like they were trying to read their mind, Wylan wasn’t surprised if they had already figured out it wasn’t real. Nina watched them like a hawk, but Wylan knew she was just trying to get any information she could out of them, learn any gossip and see any movements. Matthias seemed to just carry on life as normal, and Wylan was grateful for that.
He didn’t expect the rest of the school’s reaction, though. Quite a few people he didn’t know had come up to him asking if he really was dating Jesper (Wylan found he was a terrible liar, but they all seemed to buy it). He had also been on the receiving end of a number of scowls from both guys and girls, some he knew had slept with Jesper in the past, others he knew were into Jesper, and the rest he had no clue who they were, but he assumed they had been interested in a night with Jesper.
Wylan felt awful. Every time he walked through school, he felt like he had a target on his back, and he was waiting for the ground to open up under him and for some evil being to take him to the underworld.
But he wouldn’t give up being with Jesper Fahey to get rid of the guilt, it was too good to lose.
A couple of weeks after they had ‘gotten together’, Wylan couldn’t put off spending the night with Nina and Inej any longer, and so he found himself sitting on Inej’s bed in his pyjamas, legs tucked up to his chest with his arms wrapped around them, with both girls facing him. “This feels like a police interrogation.”
“Maybe it is.” Nina replied. “How have you managed to go over a month without telling us every detail of you and Jesper?”
“I’m good at changing the topic?” Wylan said, more of a question than a statement, plastering a small innocent smile on his face. It was mainly the truth, also with a mix of trying his hardest to avoid being alone with Inej and Nina, and trying to keep their text messages brief and distant. Wylan hated it, he felt like a terrible friend, but he didn’t know what else to do. Was all of this effort really worth it to be Jesper’s fake boyfriend? Somehow, Wylan still thought so. Maybe that made him a bad person, and definitely a bad friend, but Wylan couldn’t find it in himself to care.
“Yeah, well I want all of the details right now.” Nina said as she leaned forward slightly.
“I’m not really sure what you want to know.”
“How did you get together? Who asked who out?”
Wylan knew the answer to this, the real answer and the answer that Wylan and Jesper had made up a few weeks ago after school when they were hanging out in Jesper’s bedroom.
“He asked me out. We were walking around the woods just outside of the farm when he told me he liked me and asked me to be his boyfriend.” Wylan wished with all of his heart that the words we were saying was true.
“Of course he asked you out.” Nina said. “I was beginning to think you would just hide your feelings forever, Wy.”
I still plan to.
“Yeah… Well, I guess I’m glad he jumped the gun for us. I’d never have the guts to do that.” And I never will.
“Was it romantic? Did he plan it, or was it spur of the moment.”
“Um… More spur of the moment, I guess? We were just walking next to the little pond when he told me.” Wylan shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t really remember much of it, it was like… the last thing I expected him to say.”
“Well, I for one, am not surprised about this.” Wylan looked at Nina, raising one eyebrow questionably, but Nina just laughed. “Wylan, that boy has been crazy about you for Saints knows how long. The only person that couldn’t see it, was you.”
Wylan felt his signature blush reach his cheeks. “What are you talking about?"
“Are you kidding me?” Nina laughed, but Wylan wasn’t sure what was funny. “Jesper is obsessed with you!”
“I think you’re being ridiculous.”
“I’m not!” Nina said, exasperated. “He’s always trying to be close to you, literally making people move seats so he can sit next to you, and following you when you leave a room. He’s always staring at you, whether you’re next to him or across the room, and it’s either a look of absolute love or he’s just staring at your lips. He always talks about you when you’re not around. He’s always messaging you, and when you text or call him first his face quite literally lights up like a Christmas tree. He’s always sad when you have to miss school, like a part of him is missing too. Do I need to go on?”
“No, please stop it.” Wylan muttered, putting his head in his hands to hide his blush, though he suspected it was all over his body. He didn’t know where Nina was making all of this up from, what she was seeing from Jesper that caused her to come to that stupid conclusion, but he knew it couldn’t be real. Wylan knew Jesper, knew him better than anyone. He didn’t like relationships, didn’t do love or anything remotely near feelings. He liked no strings attached and no complications. Everything Nina had said went against everything Wylan knew about Jesper Fahey. “Can we please talk about something else.”
“We’re just happy to see you happy.” Inej said softly, and Wylan spied a little smile on her face when he looked at her between his fingers. “You’ve liked him for so long, and we knew he liked you, so we’re just happy it all worked out.”
“Please.” Wylan begged, refusing to hear any of these lies any longer. He loved hearing them, he loved to pretend that Jesper actually liked him, that Jesper actually wanted to be with him, but knowing it was a lie, knowing it wasn’t real, it was like stabbing him in the heart over and over again.
During the next few weeks, the routine of lying to everyone became easier and easier, almost like second nature to Wylan, sometimes he even had to stop himself from thinking of the relationship as a real thing, reminding both his brain and his heart that it wasn’t real, that Jesper didn’t actually like him.
Three months after they had ‘gotten together’ Wylan had been walking through the corridors of school, sent on an errand by his chemistry teacher after he had finished his work early, when someone turned a corner and stepped into Wylan’s path, standing in front of him and stopping him from moving with their cane.
“Wylan.”
“Kaz.”
Kaz stared at him for a moment, long enough to make Wylan squirm, before he spoke. “What is the point of being in a fake relationship?”
Well, fuck.
“Um…”
“From what I understand, people normally get into these agreements for some sort of benefit, such as avoiding an ex, or pleasing their parents. But neither of them applies to you and Jesper, so, why would you bother with all of the trouble?”
“Um…”
“Don’t act dumb, Wylan, it isn’t a good look.”
Wylan blinked. “How did you know?”
Kaz just rolled his eyes, wiggling the hand which was holding onto his cane. “Neither of you are very skilled in lying to me. Jesper especially.”
Wylan chuckled. “That’s because you scare him.”
“Good.” Kaz wasn’t smiling, but Wylan could tell the signs of amusement on his face. “So, the reason for creating a fake relationship?”
Wylan sighed, leaning against the row of lockers and shrugging his shoulders. “I don’t know. We thought it’d be funny?”
“And is it funny?”
“… Not really, but I don’t want to stop it.”
“Why? Because you’re in love with Jesper?”
Wylan’s eyes went wide, his breath caught in his throat, and his heart stopped beating. He knew he wasn’t the best at hiding his feelings, and Kaz was good at figuring out people’s brains, but he didn’t think he had been that obvious. “I wouldn’t call it love.”
Kaz narrowed his eyes, glaring at Wylan. “Don’t you think, if you believe that Jesper does not share your feelings, that you’re taking advantage of him?”
A cold shiver went over Wylan, and he immediately felt horribly sick. He hadn’t thought of it that way. He had been so focused on his excitement of being giving an opportunity to be with his crush, that he hadn’t thought about the implications. What if Jesper found out about how Wylan felt about him? What if he was disgusted? What if he never spoke to Wylan again?
“Please don’t tell him.” Wylan begged, close to getting on his hands and knees in front of Kaz. “Please. I know he’s your best friend and you have some weird brotherly instinct over him, but please. I’ll end it before it becomes anything serious that could hurt him, I just want this little bit of happiness while I can have it.”
Kaz just raised a single eyebrow, looking Wylan up and down before he spoke. “I don’t think you’re stupid Wylan, but I do think you are the most oblivious person I’ve ever met.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“… Nothing. Forget it.” Kaz said after a minute of silence. “I won’t tell Jesper, but I am watching you. And I don’t have a ‘brotherly instinct’ over Jesper, don’t say anything like that again.”
Wylan smiled, despite the fear still residing in him. “Thank you. And you can deny it all you want, but you’d go to war for that boy.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Kaz said with a roll of his eyes, walking past Wylan and leaving him in the corridor alone.
Later that night, when Wylan was sitting in his room catching up on homework, he saw his phone light up out of the corner of his eye. An automatic smile lit up Wylan’s face, and he quickly put in some earbuds before answering the call. “Well, hello Jesper.”
“Kaz knows.”
“He told you?”
“He’s spending the week at ours, and he practically cornered me after dinner and confronted me about our fake relationship.”
Wylan frowned to himself, pushing away his homework and opening his sketchbook instead. “He’s staying at yours? Is everything alright?”
“Hm? Oh, yeah, he’s okay. His foster parents are being arseholes again, so he’s staying here to avoid them. I think social work are talking about moving him to another family soon.”
“I don’t know why he can’t just stay at yours permanently. He’s there almost all of the time anyway.”
“Ugh, I know, but trust me, we’ve tried. My da would need to become a foster parent to let him live here legally, and by the time he got all of the paperwork complete and the house was inspected and everything, Kaz would probably be eighteen. Anyways, that’s not what I called about. I called to say Kaz knows!”
“I already knew. He confronted me at school this afternoon.”
“What? And you didn’t think to tell me?”
Wylan rolled his eyes to himself. “I didn’t realise I need to tell you everything that happens to me.”
“Um, yeah you do? You’re my boyfriend, I’m supposed to be weirdly overprotective of you to the point it becomes bordering stalker behaviour.”
Wylan laughed into the phone. “Ah, I see. Well, this morning I woke up to my first alarm, and I got out of bed and put my slippers on to make my way downstairs. I was given breakfast by Myranda, and after eating that at the table, I grabbed my lunch and went back upstairs to get dressed for school and pack my bag. Then, I-”
“Wylan, darling, I know you’re doing this just to irritate me, but I could listen to you talk all day without a single complaint. So, unless you really want to talk about your day in grave detail, then you might want to spare yourself.”
Wylan was grateful that they were just on the phone, so Jesper couldn’t see the deep red blush staining his cheeks. Jesper done this often, said beautiful sentences that made Wylan’s heart both stop and soar, and Wylan had no clue what to do with them.
“Um. Yeah, anyways… He found me when I was in the corridor doing something for Miss Walker and told me he knew it wasn’t real.”
“And? What did he say to you?”
“Oh, um… Just… You know. Asking what the point in us doing this was, and basically calling us idiots for doing this.”
“Ah, so pretty similar to the conversation he had with me.”
“Really? I thought he would have just called me an idiot for it.”
“Why?”
“Well, you are his best friend, isn’t it like, bro code to watch out for your friends’ new partner?”
Wylan could hear Jesper laugh on the other side of the phone, and the noise brought a smile to Wylan’s lips, and instinct he couldn’t help. “I don’t think Kaz, or I, are particularly bothered about ‘bro code’. And besides, he threatened me to make sure I don’t upset you too. Kaz has this weird need to protect you, almost like you’re his kid.”
“Ha! I said to him that he has a brotherly instinct over you.”
“He really does care for us, doesn’t he? If only the bastard would show it once in a while.”
“I don’t think he’d be practically living with you full time if he didn’t like you.”
“That’s true. Sometimes it’s just hard to remember that he’s actually friends with me because he wants to be, and not because I can be useful to him.”
Wylan wasn’t a violent or angry person, but hearing anyone, even Kaz, made Jesper sad, well, it made Wylan want to commit some very illegal acts. “Jesper.”
“It’s fine, don’t worry. I just can’t believe he found out so quickly. I knew he’d figure it out, but it’s not been that long!”
“We must just be terrible liars.”
“That, and Kaz is a mind reader.”
“Ha!”
“He did say that he won’t say anything. Saints knows why, but it’s a positive.”
“You do understand he’s going to hold this over our heads though, right?”
“Ugh, I know. I cannot be bothered with- oh, hey Kaz!… No… Wait, hold on a min- hey!”
“Jesper?”
Wylan listened to rustling over the phone, but couldn’t make out anything else over the call, until a voice spoke. “Wylan.”
“Kaz? Where’s Jesper?”
“I’m here. You’re on speaker now, because Kaz must know everything ever and we can’t have any privacy.”
“When you’re talking about me, I believe I’m allowed to interject.”
“Not when it’s a private conversation!”
“You two are both insufferable.” Wylan muttered into the phone, even though a smile was dancing on his lips. “I’m hanging up. Speak to you later, Jesper.”
“No, wait-”
Wylan pressed the end call button with a laugh leaving his lips.
Being Jesper’s fake boyfriend became the new normal. In fact, it became so comfortable, that Wylan wasn’t too sure what the difference was between being best friends, and being in a relationship. He felt like they had always been together, in some way or another.
Of course, though, there was the odd moment that Wylan remembered that it was all fake, that he wasn’t Jesper’s.
Wylan had just gotten out of the taxi at Jesper’s house. It was the weekend, and while Wylan hadn’t told Jesper he was coming over, he knew he’d be welcome. Wylan was over at the farm so often that it was like a second home to him. He had his own toothbrush that lived there, his own mug, and even his own drawer for his clothes in Jesper’s room. If Wylan moved into the farmhouse, there would be nothing else he’d need to bring to live.
He used his key to unlock the door, knowing Colm was away for the weekend at a farming conference, and Jesper would most likely not be awake yet, which is why Wylan had a McDonald’s breakfast in his hands.
He made his way up the stairs, and was about to enter Jesper’s bedroom, when the door opened and he was face to face with someone.
“Oh, um, hey.” Wylan stared at the girl, who was standing at the door to Jesper’s bedroom, wearing one of his jumpers and shorts (at least, Wylan hoped she was, he couldn’t see anything but her bare legs). “I was just leaving.”
Wylan blinked, nodded, then stepped to the side, letting the girl, who he was pretty sure was in his maths class, go past. The girl walked down the hallway, before stopping and slowly turning around. “He… Um… He told me it was an open relationship, was he lying?”
Wylan couldn’t get his brain to catch up with the words she was saying, and the words he needed to say in response. “No, er, no, it’s fine. You’re good.”
At least the girl looked a little less guilty, though maybe she didn’t deserve the comfort, since she was still happy enough to sleep with someone when she knew they were in a relationship, open or not. Or maybe that was just Wylan’s hopeless romantic way of thinking. “Oh, good. I was worried for a minute. See you on Monday!”
Wylan waited until he heard the front door click shut, before making his way into Jesper’s room, seeing him still lying in bed, barely awake. “Coming back to bed?”
“… She’s gone. It’s me.”
Wylan watched Jesper shoot up, his quilt dropping to reveal his bare chest, and, much to Wylan’s relief (and slight disappointment), a sliver of the boxers he was wearing. “Oh, shit. Hey, Wy.”
“I brought breakfast.” Wylan put the bags down on the bed, throwing Jesper the first t-shirt he saw lying on the ground, before taking his own food from the bag and going to sit at Jesper’s desk. “I got your favourite.”
Jesper tugged on the t-shirt, looking at the takeaway bag and blinking rapidly. “Oh, um… Thanks. Hey, listen-”
“We really don’t need to talk about it.” Wylan said softly, opening his breakfast wrap and taking a bite. “I mean, really.”
“I feel bad.”
“You shouldn’t.” Wylan replied. “We agreed that you could sleep with whoever you wanted. We’re not even together, so it’s not like you cheated on me. I was just caught off guard, is all.”
Jesper didn’t look any more comforted, and Wylan had the sudden urge to leave the house and just walk home. It was a strange feeling, Jesper’s home had become a place of comfort, a place of solitude, he didn’t like feeling like he needed to run from there.
Jesper looked at him, opened his mouth, before closing it and picking up his food. “I think you have too a high opinion of me, and not high enough of yourself.”
Wylan didn’t have the words to reply to that. He didn’t have the words to explain how wrong Jesper was. That, in fact, he believed Jesper held too high of an opinion of him, and that it broke his heart that Jesper, despite the confidence he exuded on the daily, really didn’t think he was worth anything.
Wylan didn’t have the words to explain that Jesper could sleep with everyone in the world, and Wylan would still want him.
“Have you… Have you been with anyone?”
Wylan blinked at Jesper. “What? No, of course not. I’d have told you if there was someone.”
“Oh… Am I supposed to tell you?”
Wylan sighed. “No, I didn’t mean like that.” Wylan rubbed the back of his neck absently. “I meant I would have told you because it’s like, a one in one million chance of happening.”
Jesper looked up at him over his food, frowning slightly. “I don’t understand how you can’t see how amazing you are. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.”
Wylan both hated and loved this version of Jesper. He loved feeling wanted, feeling important and seen. But, he hated knowing that those words had no heat behind them, and that, at the end of the day, it wouldn’t lead to Wylan being in Jesper’s arms. “You got chores you need to do?”
Jesper groaned, flopping backwards onto the bed. “Don’t remind me.”
Wylan just smiled, feeling the tension slipping away from the room. “Come on, we’ll finish eating and I’ll help you out.”
“You don’t need to help me do them. You can just sit on the backsteps and be a work of art for me to look at.”
Wylan’s blush ran so deep that he thought it might become permanent on his face. “Shut up and eat your food.”
Before they knew it, they we’re thrown into exam season, and Wylan forget about everything else but equations and multiple-choice answers and sheet music and everything he needed to know to get the grades he wanted. The grades that would keep him safe from his father.
He survived exams, and finally, he was free until the new school year.
When school was let out for the summer, Wylan didn’t know what it meant for him and Jesper’s situation. There would be no eyes from other students, there would be no forced proximity, there would be no expectation to pretend to be together anymore.
So, it caught Wylan by surprise when their friend group met up, just under a week after school was let out, and Jesper arrived, sat next to Wylan, and pulled him closer by his chair, kissing him on the cheek and smiling. “Hey, honey, I’ve missed you.”
Wylan felt his insides go to mush. He both wanted Jesper to forever call him that, and for him to never say it again. “You were speaking to me on the phone last night.”
“That doesn’t replace seeing your magnificent face in person.”
And so, Wylan knew their arrangement would continue through the summer, and though he wouldn’t admit it to anyone, especially Jesper, he was relieved he could stay in the fantasy.
Wylan spent most of the summer at the Fahey farm, either trying to avoid his father, not wanting to be in a big empty house when his father was away on business. That, and also wanting to see Jesper as much as he could.
Him and Jesper were sitting in the latter’s bedroom one summer night, trying to decide on a film to watch. Jesper wanted to watch a corny and poorly aged cowboy film, and Wylan would rather watch paint dry.
Wylan, lying diagonal on the bed with his head resting on the bottom half of Jesper’s leg, was about to cave, when the bedroom door opened and Colm stuck his head inside. Wylan jumped up into a seating position, his face going red even though he knew they weren’t doing anything wrong.
“You alright, boys? I made some cookies and thought I’d bring you some.” Colm walked over to the nightstand, placing down the plate and walking back to the door. Just before he left, though, he looked back over towards the pair and smiled awkwardly. “Keep the door open, yeah?”
Wylan watched, face burning, as Colm left the bedroom, leaving the door slightly ajar. He turned to Jesper, who, when he saw Wylan’s face, started laughing loudly. “Oh my God, your face!”
“It’s not funny!”
That didn’t stop Jesper from laughing, but he did wrap his arms around Wylan and pull him closer. They were now both lying on the bed, Wylan resting on top of Jesper. Wylan hoped that Jesper couldn’t feel the erratic beating of his heart.
“It’s fine, Wylan, it just means we’re very believable. You know my dad always sees through my bullshit.”
“This is humiliating, we need to break up.” Wylan hoped he didn’t imagine Jesper tightening his hold on him. “I am not coming round here anymore if your dad is going to be awkward with me.”
“He won’t be awkward.” Jesper said with a smile. “He was probably just surprised. You know what he’s like, he’ll be fine when we go down to dinner later. Probably make some joke about it to embarrass me.”
“I think I’d rather pass away.”
Jesper laughed lightly, the sensation causing Wylan’s head to move up and down slightly, and what Wylan wouldn’t give to stay like that forever. If he died right then, right there, he would die a happy man.
“I think you’re forgetting my da is the honorary father of the Kaz Brekker.” Jesper replied. “There’s nothing we can do that will give him more grey hairs than that boy has already.”
Wylan smiled. In that moment, he had never felt happier. For all of the hurt he had been through, all of the abuse and thrown books and locked doors, if this is what he got, here with Jesper, then maybe it was all worth it.
Maybe it was a bad way to think, to see every bit of pain as a necessary part of life so he could be allowed Jesper. Maybe he put too much on Jesper’s shoulder, maybe he relied on their friendship too much. Wylan didn’t care though. The simple thought of Jesper’s face, of his smile and his laugh, was enough to get Wylan through some of his toughest days.
It wasn’t healthy, but Wylan couldn’t stop.
Jesper had always been there for him, no matter what state Wylan was in.
It wasn’t uncommon for Wylan to text Jesper after an incident with his father.
That particular night had been brutal. Another failed reading lesson with his new tutor, causing her to be fired on the spot without pay, and for Wylan to be beaten with a dictionary until his nose made a cracking noise and he could barely stand without holding onto a wall for support.
When he made it up to his room, he managed to grab his phone before collapsing onto his bed, thanking the heavens he could use his speech recognition to work it without actually having to press any buttons, as his left eye had been permanently closed since he had walked out of his father’s study.
Wylan: talk to me?
The response was immediate.
Jesper: what’s wrong???
Jesper: do I need to come over?
Wylan: no I’m fine
Wylan: just talk to me please
Jesper: i’m going to call you give me two minutes to go to my room
Wylan: I don’t think I can speak
Jesper: physically or is he still around?
Wylan: both
Jesper: wylan
Jesper: let me come get you
Wylan: he’s still home it’ll just make it worse
Wylan: I don’t want you to get hurt too
Wylan: I’m fine promise
Jesper: i’m in my room, answer my call
Jesper: you don’t need to speak, just let me do the talking
Wylan could hear the soft vibrations of his phone, and managed, after a few tries, to accept the call.
“Wylan, love.”
Wylan, without even knowing he was at his breaking point, let out a soft sob at Jesper’s voice, at both the concern and pure affection coming through the phone.
“Oh, Wylan, I’m so sorry for what he done to you. Whatever it was, please know you don’t deserve it. I wish I could hurt that son of a bitch.”
Wylan wished he could, too, but it wouldn’t be enough. No amount pain inflicted onto Jan Van Eck would ever equal the torture he put his own blood through.
Wylan made a little hum through the phone. His voice was raw, and it was the most he could give, but he wanted Jesper to know he was there, wanted him to know he was okay and he was listening.
“You’re so strong, Wylan. You’re so fucking incredible, and it kills me that not everyone sees you the way I do. You deserve so much more.”
It hurt. Sure, his body was sore and he knew he wouldn’t move from his bed for the next day or two, but somehow, Jesper’s words hurt more than anything his father had done to him. The love, the care, but also the knowledge that Jesper didn’t truly mean them, that if he did, he would be with Wylan in a real relationship, not the complicated predicament they had.
“How… How badly are you hurt?... Hum if you can walk.”
Wylan kept silent, so Jesper spoke again. “Hum if you think he broke something.”
Wylan made a little noise that time, and he could hear Jesper swear under his breath before there was rusting over the phone. “Fuck this, I’m coming to get you.”
“No.” Wylan managed to speak out, his voice stabbing at him in protest.
“I don’t care, Wylan. You’re in pain, you can’t walk, you can barely talk. I can’t just sit here knowing you’re hurting. I can’t do that.”
Wylan could feel a small tear rolling down his cheek, not enough to start fully crying, but enough to know that seeing Jesper in person would probably set it off.
“I’ll stay on the phone with you, but I’m on my way to come get you. I’ll bring you back here, and you’re staying until you’re better.”
Wylan wanted to protest, wanted to insist that he was fine, that he had been taken these beatings since he was a small child, and, in comparison to others, this one really wasn’t all that bad. But he was so tired, and so sore, and he wanted to see Jesper so badly, that he just let it happen. “Okay.”
“I’ll be there as soon as I can. I’ll break the speed limit for you. I’ll break the speed of light or whatever the hell it is for you.”
Three words stuck in the back of Wylan’s throat. Three foolish words he knew he must not say aloud.
Jesper lived just over an hour from Wylan, possibly closer to two hours on a busy day, but after forty-five minutes, Jesper said over the phone, “I’m here, I’m going to climb up to your window.”
Wylan wanted to go to the window, to open it for him and watch him climb the wall, stretching and flexing his toned muscles (from years of working on the farm, which Wylan was very grateful for), but he hadn’t moved an inch since going to his bed, he had barely spoken at all through the phone while Jesper had made his way to Wylan’s, allowing Jesper to lead the conversations with his rambling, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to make it across his room alone.
Jesper hung up the phone, and Wylan moved his head slightly to the window, but then closed his eyes after waiting for a few minutes.
Soon though, he heard the jingling of his window, and when he opened his eyes, he saw Jesper swinging his legs into the room.
“Jesper.”
Jesper was kneeling next to his bed in an instant, and Wylan couldn’t help the sob that ripped through his throat, ragged and raw. Carefully, like he was working with china, Jesper moved over to lie down on the bed, manoeuvring Wylan so he was resting in his arms, his full body weight on top of him. “Oh, my Wylan. My sweet Wylan.”
Even if Wylan’s voice worked properly, he didn’t think he’d be able to speak through the tears flowing out of his eyes. He buried his face into Jesper’s chest, and his hands clung onto Jesper for dear life. Jesper held him tight, like he was afraid he was going to slip between his fingers.
“Wylan, you can’t stay here anymore. You can’t live like this. It breaks my heart seeing you in pain, you don’t deserve any of this. Please.”
Wylan wanted to stay in that moment forever, even with the pain, even with feeling like his body would never mend, he wanted to stay in Jesper’s arms, to hear his sweet words, for the rest of his life.
When Wylan had calmed down enough to be able to breath properly, helped by Jesper’s soothing voice and his hand raking through Wylan’s curls, Jesper spoke to him a little louder. “Is your father still home?”
“I think so, he’s got a late dinner party soon though.”
“We’ll wait here until he leaves, then I’m taking you to mine. I don’t think you’ll make it through the window.”
It took another hour until they heard Jan leave through the front door, and a couple more minutes until they heard a car roll out of the driveway. Jesper left Wylan lying on the bed as he packed a quick overnight bag (though he didn’t need much), and soon, with one of Jesper’s arms around Wylan’s waist, they were leaving his room and walking down the stairs.
It took them ten minutes to leave the house, and then another ten minutes to make it to the car, which Jesper had parked down the street. Jesper helped Wylan into the passenger seat, leaning over him to buckle his seatbelt, and if Wylan was in a right frame of mind, his cheeks would have been as red as a tomato. Jesper jumped into the driver’s seat, and they were off.
“Jesper, you don’t have a licence, how did your dad let you drive this?”
Jesper was quiet for a moment, before looking over at Wylan and smiling shyly. “Well… He doesn’t know, I’ll deal with it when I get home.”
“Jesper.” Wylan said as loud as he could. “You shouldn’t have done that, I would’ve been fine.”
“Wylan,” Jesper said, his voice a whisper, like a prayer. “There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you. I would give up everything for you.”
Sometimes, Wylan liked to entertain the idea that maybe, just maybe, Jesper liked him back. It was delusional, but sometimes, when Jesper said lines like that, things he had only heard in romance movies, Wylan felt a little hope. His heart flipped and he felt both sick and elated at the same time.
He didn’t know what to say, how to speak without it becoming a declaration of love, so he said nothing.
They made it to the farm in a decent time, even with Jesper going gentle on the roads to avoid jostling Wylan, and before he knew it, they were walking through the front door.
“Shit, the living room lights still on.” Jesper said.
He was about to speak again, but a voice rang through the house. “Jesper, get in here boy!”
“Fuck, wait here.” Jesper said with a groan, making sure Wylan was okay to stand on his own, before leaving him and walking into the living room.
Wylan leaned against the hallway wall, listening to the conversation unfold.
“Jesper Llewellyn Fahey, explain to me where you have been, and why my pickup was missing.”
“Da, Wylan was-”
“Oh, so you stole my pickup to spend time with Wylan. Do you understand the seriousness of the crime you just committed? Do you understand what would’ve happened if the police spotted you and pulled you over?”
“I know, da, but Wylan was in a really bad way.”
“How so? What could justify you sneaking out and driving underage without a license?”
Jesper was silent, with Wylan knowing he didn’t want to reveal Wylan’s darkest secrets. But Wylan didn’t want Jesper to get in trouble for him. He didn’t want to be the cause of a drift in Jesper and Colm’s relationship.
So, he stepped forward and into the living room.
He watched Colm’s eyes move from his son to Wylan, frowning at him, before the shock took over. “Wylan! What happened you, my boy?”
“I got hurt, Jesper came to get me.” Wylan said to him, leaning to the side to let his bodyweight fall against the doorframe. “Please don’t give him into trouble, it’s my fault, I’m sorry.”
Colm just looked at him for a moment, before standing up and quickly walking in the direction of the kitchen. “Don’t just stand there, Jesper. Help Wylan to the couch.”
Jesper done as he was told, guiding Wylan until they were both sitting on the couch, letting the latter rest his head on his shoulder. Colm came back a moment later, a green first-aid box in hand. “This won’t do much, but I’ll be able to clean you up and disinfect your cuts. I think your nose is broken, though. I think we need to take a trip to the hospital.”
“No.” Wylan said, closing his eyes as Colm began to wipe away the dried blood under his nose. “It’ll only make it worse.”
“Wylan, son. If someone done this to you, they could help stop it.” Colm was so gentle, so sweet, but so naïve of how the justice system treated people with wealth and power.
“It won’t, I’ve tried.” Wylan snaked an arm through Jesper’s, clinging onto him to remind himself that his best friend was there. “It’s okay, really.”
Wylan opened his eyes, seeing Colm’s conflicted expression, but a glance passed between Colm and his son, and the subject was dropped.
“Just… Next time you need to go help Wylan, speak to me first and I’ll take you, rather than stealing my car. I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”
The next few minutes passed in silence, with Jesper comforting Wylan, and Colm cleaning him up the best he could. Eventually, he sighed in defeat, and put the first-aid kit away, telling both boys he would be in his room if they needed anything, before retreating upstairs.
“Come on, let’s go to my room.”
Wylan managed to make it up the staircase with only minimal help from Jesper, though when he made it to Jesper’s room, he practically collapsed onto the bed.
“I’ll get you a change of clothes.”
Wylan watched out of the corner of his eye as Jesper began to riffle through the drawers, finding a pair of pyjamas that Wylan had left over months ago. He shoved them under his arm, giving Wylan a smile. “Come on, I’ll help you walk to the bathroom, and you can change and brush your teeth.”
Wylan nodded, and they slowly made their way down the short hall to the bathroom, Wylan becoming more and more exhausted by each step. When they made it, Wylan sat on the closed toilet seat, watching as Jesper placed the clothes onto the countertop, turning to Wylan and smiling softly. “I’ll sit outside the door and wait for you. Shout if you need me.”
Jesper left, closing the door behind him, and Wylan stood up and made his way to the clothes, not having the energy to go to the door and lock it.
He began to take his jumper off, groaning in pain and feeling exhausted after only one clothing item, not knowing how the hell he was going to manage the rest. His shirt was easy, the buttons were simple and he just let it slide off his shoulders and onto the floor.
When he got to his tank top, he reached for the bottom and tried to tug it up, to get it over his head and off his body, but every movement hurt, every moment standing was exhausting, and he had to stop and hold onto the counter to stop himself from fainting.
After another failed attempt, which he ended by sitting on the toilet to relieve his legs, his face paled as what he realised he’d have to do. “Jesper.”
“Yeah?”
Saints, he managed to take a violet beating from his father, but he felt like he wouldn’t survive the embarrassment of this moment. “… I can’t get my clothes off.”
There was a moment of silence, and then the door opened slightly, Jesper just sticking his head in and looking over at Wylan. “Do you want me to help?”
“Not really, but I don’t think I have another choice.”
Jesper didn’t move for a second, his eyes darting around the room unsure, before he stepped into the bathroom, locking the door behind him and moving over to where Wylan was. “It’s no trouble, Wylan. I want to help.”
“This is mortifying.” Wylan whispered, but didn’t protest as Jesper manoeuvred his body, managing to get his tank top off and leaving Wylan shirtless.
“I understand, Wylan, but this really doesn’t make me think any differently of you. I still think you’re just as strong and just as beautiful.” Jesper looked down at him after putting Wylan’s night shirt on him, and suddenly grinned. “Though, this isn’t how I imagined I would finally get to undress you.”
Wylan managed a small laugh, even if smiling hurt. “Shut up.”
“You know I can’t do that. Now, can you stand up so I can take your trousers off?”
Wylan closed his eyes as he stood, not being able to look at Jesper as he removed his trousers, but to Jesper’s credit, he done it quickly and with minimal pain for Wylan, and soon he was back sitting on the toilet seat, now fully changed.
Wylan watched Jesper as he reached for Wylan’s toothbrush, wetting and putting toothpaste on it. Though, when Wylan reached for it, he frowned when Jesper didn’t hand it over to him. “What?”
“Open your mouth, I’ll brush your teeth.”
“What? Ew, no.”
“It’s not ‘ew’.” Jesper said with a roll of his eyes.
“I’m not a child, you’re not brushing my teeth.”
“Wylan, honey, you can barely lift your arms. I just want to help you, please.” Jesper crouched down, holding Wylan’s chin with two of his fingers. “This isn’t embarrassing, or gross or degrading. It’s just me helping the person I care about most in the world.”
Wylan could feel every beat of his racing heart. He didn’t know what to make of Jesper words, of his touch, of the look he was giving him. It was like they were in a real relationship, it was like they were in love. Wylan couldn’t handle it.
“Fine, but be quick about it, I can only handle so much humiliation in one day.”
“Think of it as a pampering session. Now, open your mouth please.” Wylan done as Jesper asked, and closed his eyes as Jesper gently began to brush his teeth, not wanting to see the disgust he was sure was written on Jesper’s face.
Once his teeth had been brushed and his mouth rinsed, he opened his eyes to see Jesper right in front of him, a smile on his lips and his eyes crinkled slightly. “You’re so beautiful, Wylan.”
Wylan tilted his head to the side, chuckling lightly. “Even with all of these ugly cuts and scars?”
“Even with. They show how strong you are, how much you fight and how, despite what the world has put you through, you still persevere and come out as the kindest person I have ever met.
“The world doesn’t deserve you, Wylan. I don’t deserve you, and your father certainly doesn’t deserve you. I’ll say it till I’m blue in the face so you believe it.”
“Jesper…” Wylan’s voice was a whisper, afraid that if he spoke any louder, he would wake up from this beautiful dream. This Jesper in front of him, it was heavenly, it was like he was his real boyfriend, so much so that Wylan forgot that they weren’t dating, and had to remind himself before he said or done anything stupid.
How Jesper was still single, how more people weren’t flocking to him and begging on their knees to be his, Wylan couldn’t understand. Though, this type of Jesper was rare. Sure, Wylan had been exposed to this soft side of his friend more and more recently, but when they were in public, when they were around other people, Jesper never said things like that, he never spoke to anyone else like that.
Wylan didn’t know what to think about it. Part of him wanted to believe that Jesper wanted to be his in the way Wylan had dreamt of for so long, but another part of Wylan was convinced that it was all an act, that every word Jesper said was to make fun of him, to give him hope and crush it eventually.
Jesper leaned forward, their foreheads touching lightly, their breaths mingling with one another. Wylan wanted to close his eyes, to bask in the feeling of Jesper against him, but he didn’t want to miss a moment, he wanted to drink in everything he could.
Jesper wrapped one arm around Wylan’s waist, pulling him slightly closer, while his other hand reached up to cup the side of Wylan’s face. Wylan didn’t know what to do with his own hands, so, after a moment of panic, he decided to be brave, and placed them on Jesper’s chest, feeling his solid muscle under the thin jumper he was wearing.
Their breaths were one. Their bodies were one. Their souls were one. If Wylan leaned just slightly forward, their lips would become one too. And God, did Wylan want to. And what was really stopping him? Jesper had been kind, he had showered him in compliments and touches and looks and… Wylan was going to do it.
He inched forward slightly, preparing to pucker his lips, when Jesper pulled back, giving Wylan a small smile. “It’s late, we should go to bed.”
Wylan blinked, moving his hands way from Jesper and letting them fall to his lap. Gosh, he was an idiot. Why had he thought it would be a good idea to try and kiss Jesper? Jesper Fahey, the hottest, kindest, best person Wylan knew, what made him think Jesper would want him?
Stupid. So, so, stupid.
“Come on, I’ll help you to my room.”
Wylan let Jesper wrap his arms around him, and they walked slowly to Jesper’s bedroom. Wylan hated the touch, he loved being close to Jesper, he loved any attention the boy gave him, but he couldn’t handle it, not when he had been so close to connecting their lips a moment ago.
Jesper helped Wylan to the edge of his bed, where Wylan sat and watched Jesper rummage around for a while, until he came back and sat next to Wylan. “I’m going to detangle your hair.”
Wylan nodded, unable to find his voice anymore, and let Jesper begin to work on his curls, separating all of the strands, wetting them with the spay Wylan had left one night, and then brushing and styling each curl. Wylan knew that Jesper was well versed in this due to his own hair texture, but Wylan had a small feeling that even if Jesper had straight hair, he still would have learnt this for Wylan.
Wylan was so loved, and all from one person.
After a while, when the end was mainly just Jesper giving Wylan a head massage (which Wylan spent the majority of his focus on not letting out any suggestive noises), Jesper removed his hands and bumped his side into Wylan’s. “All done. Let’s go to sleep, yeah?”
Wylan nodded, but then frowned as Jesper stood up, picking up his own pyjamas and moving to the door. “Where are you going?”
Jesper stopped, turning around to look at Wylan and blinking. “Um, to go sleep on the couch?”
“Why?”
Jesper blinked again, and Wylan felt like he was missing part of the conversation. “Because you’re going to take my bed, and Kaz is here so I can’t sleep in his room, so I’ll go sleep on the couch. And don’t argue about this, your body needs rest, so you’re taking the bed.”
Wylan looked at him, turned to look at the double bed, then looked back at Jesper. “It’s big enough for both of us.”
“Huh?”
Wylan sighed, feeling like a child, but managing to speak anyway. “Stay here, stay with me. Please… I don’t want to be alone.”
Jesper didn’t move for a minute, but then he walked back over to the bed, putting down his pyjamas and taking Wylan’s face in his hands before giving him a kiss on the top of his head, a small smile gracing his lips. “Okay, okay. I do need to get changed, though.”
“Get changed in here.” Wylan said before he could think about the words leaving his mouth, and a deep blush stained his cheeks. “I-I mean, I won’t look. Plus, you just seen me nearly naked, it only feels fair you have a bit of embarrassment.”
Jesper laughed. “Wylan, you know I have no shame in stripping in front of people.”
When Wylan saw Jesper reaching to take his top off, he manoeuvred himself on the bed, getting under the covers and turning his back to Jesper to give him privacy. He listened to the rustle of clothes, until eventually the lights went out and he saw Jesper in his vision, watching as he got into the bed next to Wylan, both of them now facing each other.
“I’m glad you’re here, Wylan. I’m glad you’re safe now.” Jesper whispered, reaching out to tuck a curl behind Wylan’s ear. “I just wish I could keep you safe all of the time, wrap you in bubble wrap and never let anything hurt you.”
Wylan smiled sadly at his friend. “I know, but don’t worry, I’ll be fine. A few more years and then I’ll be able to move out. To live my own life.”
“Would you leave town?” Jesper asked. “Would you want to get as far away from him as possible?”
Wylan paused, searching Jesper’s face for… anything. “I don’t know. I think it would be nice to get away, to be somewhere where people don’t know Wylan Van Eck, they just know Wylan. But…”
Jesper stayed silent, waiting for Wylan to finish, but when he didn’t, Jesper prodded. “But?”
Wylan sighed, looking down to avoid his friends’ eyes. “But… I don’t want to be away from you. If you stayed here, I’d stay.”
Wylan looked up when he felt a hand interlock with his own, seeing Jesper staring right at him, and Saints, was he the most beautiful person Wylan had ever met. “Wylan, I would go anywhere for you. Say the word, and I’m there.”
“Jesper… I…” I love you. “I’m so glad you’re my friend.”
Jesper smiled, letting go of Wylan’s hand and moving into a more comfortable position. “I’m glad you’re my friend too. Now, go to sleep, your body will thank you.”
And so, after a few moments of willing his heart to calm down and his mind to settle, he eventually went to sleep. And despite the stress of the day, it was the best sleep he had gotten in a long time.
When he woke up, he was greeted with an empty bed, and he let the panic take over for a second, before he looked up and saw someone step through the bedroom door. “Hey, Wy. You just wake up?”
“Yeah.” Wylan stretched his arms and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. “What time is it? Is it late?”
“It’s nearly nine. Not late, but not early on a farm.” Jesper sat next to Wylan on the bed, and only then did Wylan notice what Jesper was holding. “I woke up early and thought I’d make you breakfast in bed.”
Jesper placed the tray on Wylan lap, a plate of eggs, bacon, and avocado toast, with a small glass of orange juice on the side. It was vibrant, and well cooked, and so lovely, and Wylan’s favourite. “Jesper, I… Thank you.”
“No problem, sunshine.” Jesper said, settling down next to Wylan and watching as the boy ate. “My da got people to take over my farm duties for the weekend, so I am yours the whole time.”
Wylan swallowed the bacon in his mouth, looking over at Jesper and frowning. “You didn’t have to do that, I don’t mind going home and getting out of your way.”
“Wylan.” Jesper said seriously, sitting up and placing a hand on Wylan’s shoulder. “First of all, you are not in my way at all, I want you here. And second, if I had my say, you’d never go back to that house, I’d have you move in here permanently and never look back.”
Wylan shook his head. “You’re too kind to me, Jesper.”
“No, Wylan, the world isn’t kind enough to you, I’m just trying to balance it.”
Later in the day, when Wylan’s body wasn’t screaming at him and he was able to make it out of the bedroom and down the stairs, Wylan found himself sitting on the couch, watching some crappy game show while Jesper was outside, trying to help catch an escaped heard of cows (only once Wylan convinced him that he’d be fine on his own for an hour or so, practically having to shove him out of the door himself).
He heard creaking coming from the staircase, and saw Kaz descending, then making his way into the living room, sitting on the armchair he had long ago claimed as his. Wylan had almost forgotten that Jesper had told him that Kaz was here.
“Rough night?” Kaz asked, looking over at Wylan, most likely counting the number of cuts and bruises he could see over Wylan’s face.
Wylan let out a small laugh. “You could say that. I’m fine now, though.”
They were in silence for a little longer, but then Kaz broke it again. “I could end it.”
Wylan looked over at him, frowning in confusion. “Sorry, end what?”
“Your father.”
“What? Are you talking about murder?”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Wylan.” Kaz said, twirling his cane in his hands. “Murder is messy, and a waste of my time. No, but I can take him out of your life.”
“And how do you propose you do that?”
“I expose the fraud he is currently committing. I take the countless tax evasions to the council. I report the child abuse he had been inflicting on you for years.
“Wylan, if you really wanted to, you could put him into jail with a click of your fingers, all you need to do is ask.”
Wylan paused, turning back to the television without actually paying attention. It sounded too good to be true. Free from his father, free from the verbal lashings and the beatings and the expectations and the fear and the…
Free from the comfort he had in knowing the routine. Sure, it wasn’t a good routine, but it was what he knew.
“I can’t, Kaz.” He said softly. “Trust me, there’s nothing I want more than to see him rot. But… They’d put me in foster care, I’d be shipped off to a random family who are Saints knows where and who could be just as bad as him.
“He isn’t a good person, but I know what he is like. I know how to work around him. I can’t start from rock bottom again.”
Kaz looked at him, considering, then nodded. “If that is your wish.” And with that, Kaz stood up and walked out the front door.
Wylan blinked, not being able to understand how easily Kaz took his decision. If that was Jesper, or Colm, or hell, even Nina or Inej or Matthias, they would’ve protested, would’ve told him he deserved to take a stab in the dark, to have chance of happiness and to be away from his father.
But maybe that was the point. None of them knew what it was like. Sure, they had all been through their hardships, Nina with her drug addicted parents who she was separated from as a baby but adopted by a loving family, Matthias who had a horrible military camp experience as a kid, but still had parents who, despite all of their mistakes, still cared for them, and Inej, who had been through more than Wylan could even begin to imagine, but still went home every night to her mother and father who loved her more than air. And then, of course, Jesper, who had the best father anyone could ask for.
They didn’t know what it was like to fend for yourself, truly, to have the people who are supposed to love you, the people who are supposed to care for you and nurture you, be the people who are your ruining.
But Kaz knew that. Kaz had known it time and time again. With his parents who left the world too soon. With the man who took him and his brother in and broke them. With his brother who, in the end, cared more about money than his own blood. With foster parent after foster parent, who weren’t interested in caring for a disabled kid who had more baggage than an airport, instead focusing on the money and recognition they received for taking in such a troubled teen.
So maybe, that’s why Kaz was quick to agree. He knew dysfunctional homes better than anyone, and he knew, sometimes you can run and you can make it, but other times you need to stay, even if it might kill you, because the fear of the unknown is too much to handle.
Wylan agreed to spend the weekend at the Fahey household, and when he went back home on Monday morning, his father acted like nothing had happened, and life went back to normal.
“Get in, bitch!”
Wylan was glad that his father was not home that day so he couldn’t hear Nina shouting and blaring the horn of Matthias’ car. Wylan climbed into the back seat, smiling at Inej and reaching forward to slap Nina’s shoulder. “Nina, everyone down the street could hear you shout!”
“Good, got you here quicker.” Wylan just rolled his eyes at that. “Jesper and Kaz are meeting us there, so we need to leave quick.”
“It’s Jesper, they’ll be twenty minutes late.” Inej added.
“Nah.” Nina said to her. “Kaz is driving them.”
“Oh, so ten minutes late?”
“Yeah, probably.”
They made it to the park, slightly longer than the satnav said, due to Matthias’ cautious driving, but they were still there before Jesper and Kaz.
“Matthias and I will grab the stuff.” Nina said as she opened the boot. “You two, take this blanket and find a nice spot for us.”
“You mean I’ll grab the stuff while you watch me?”
“Exactly, darling.” Nina said with a peck on Matthias’ cheek, which shut up his grumbling and produced a smile on his face.
Wylan grabbed the blanket, turning to Inej and walking into the park. “We need somewhere with shade for Kaz, but with quick access to sunlight and the grass for Jesper.”
“Yeah. They’re like plants, one wrong environment and they wilt.” Wylan agreed. “And somewhere pretty for Nina’s Instagram.”
“Gosh, we have high demanding friends.” Inej said with a laugh. “Thank the Saints for Matthias and his simple life.”
“We could sit next to a bin and Matthias would be happy.”
They walked around the park for a while, eventually finding a spot on the biggest patch of grass under a tree, with it also being right next to the flower bushes.
Wylan set down the massive blanket, and with the help of Inej, they laid it flat. Wylan then took a quick photo of it, sending it to their group chat and speaking into his phone.
Wylan: we found a spot under a tree!
Wylan: come through the main gate, follow the path to the golf course, and we’re on the huge patch of grass next to the flower garden
Nina: I love it!!!! me and the hunk are on our way
Matthias: :D
Jesper: omg I love it I’m so excited
Jesper: we’re like 5 minutes out
Jesper: I couldn’t find my sunglasses
Inej: I’m surprised it’s only 5 minutes
Jesper: hey!
Jesper: Kaz did hit me with his cane until we were out the door
Nina: LOL I love our little gremlin
Jesper: he says he’s now going to hit you with his cane
Nina: oh I’m fucking shaking
Nina: Wy Nej I see you
Wylan pulled his phone away from his ear, smiling when he saw Nina and Matthias walking towards them, Matthias juggling all of the bags, and Nina bouncing along next to him.
“Well, isn’t this a lovely spot.” Nina said as she sat down with a flourish, her dress spreading out around her beautifully. If Wylan wasn’t completely, utterly gay (and completely, utterly into Jesper), he was sure he would be in love with Nina. “This will be stunning on my Instagram.”
They spent the next while sitting on the blanket talking to one another, catching up on what they had been up to over the summer (despite them constantly texting and having only seen each other last week), when Wylan looked up and saw two figures making their way towards them.
“Hello, you gorgeous people!” Jesper said with a huge grin on his face. “What a sight for sore eyes. Nina, that dress is magnificent.”
“Ugh, I know!” Nina replied, leaning up so Jesper could kiss her on the cheek.
After he fist bumped Matthias and kissed the top of Inej’s head, while Kaz sat next to her, he moved to sit behind Wylan, wrapping an arm around him and pulling him back into his chest. “Hey, handsome.”
Wylan blushed lightly, still not used to Jesper’s increasing affection, but he placed his hands over Jesper’s on his stomach. “Hi. You’re very chipper today.”
“Because I’m around my favourite people.” Jesper replied. “And I’m hugging my favourite person.”
“No PDA boys, I will throw up.” Nina said as she pretended to gag.
“Nina, I’m pretty sure that’s just pure homophobia.” Jesper said to her, smirking and tightening his arm around Wylan.
“It’s not because you’re queer, it’s because you’re you.”
“Don’t listen to her, Wy, we’re adorable.” Jesper whispered into his ear. “She’s just jealous because Matthias has as much romance as a stick.”
“Hey! I heard that! And I’ll have you know that in the bedroom, Matthias is very-”
“Nina!”
The next hour or so consisted of them continuing to catch up, annoy each other, and eat the various foods Nina had brought for them. Eventually, though, as the sun grew higher and the park got busier, they all left to do their own thing one by one.
First, Nina and Inej left to go on a walk and take some pictures. Then, Kaz left after spotting Anika, claiming he had some business to take care off, smacking Jesper on the back of the head when he joked that they were off to murder someone. And finally, Jesper left to go join in a game of football with some of his other friends from school.
That left just Wylan and Matthias on the blanket.
Wylan liked Matthias. People often overlooked him, either seeing him as uninteresting or flat, or writing him off as a bully due to his size and stiff attitude. But Wylan knew him, and he knew that Matthias, despite his insistence for being blunt and brutally honest with people, would do anything for the people he cared for. Wylan admired that. One day, he hoped to be like Matthias.
“So, how are you and Jesper doing?” Matthias asked, passing Wylan a small apple. “Are you two well?”
Wylan blinked. “Um… We’re good, really good… Jesper is good to me.”
“I’m glad, though I wouldn’t expect anything less from him.”
“What do you mean?”
Matthias looked over at him with a small smile. “Well, Jesper has been infatuated with you for a long time. It wouldn’t make sense if he got with you and then mistreated you.”
Wylan gave a true laugh. “’Infatuated’? That sounds a little dramatic.”
“Trust me Wylan, it isn’t.” Matthais said seriously, and Wylan stopped laughing. “Before you two got together, a long time before you two got together, he always spoke about you at any given opportunity, and the way he spoke about you was as if you’re royalty.
“He really does care for you, Wylan, more than he cares for anyone or anything, more than he cares for himself. I just hope you know that.”
Wylan hated these conversations with his friends. He hated when they lied to him about the apparent feelings, the supposed affection that Jesper harboured for him. He loved hearing it, and he loved imagining it, but the heartache when he remembered it wasn’t real, when he is reminded it is just an act and, at the end of the day, Jesper is only his friend, and that’s all he’ll ever be, well, he can’t handle it.
“You’re a very sweet couple.” Matthias finished with. “I hope you stay together.”
“So do I.” Wylan said, though, in his mind, he was just hoping they’d actually get together in the first place.
Wylan turned his head to the side to watch Jesper. He watched as Jesper was passed the ball and then sprinted to the other side of their small pitch, kicking his foot out and launching the ball into the back of the net.
All of Jesper’s (albeit small) team rushed over to him, crowding around him to hug him, high five him, and slap him on the back. Wylan watched him ignore all of them though, instead, Wylan’s heart stuttered when Jesper instantly looked over to their blanket, locking eyes with Wylan as a huge grin grew on his face.
Even if it was only for a moment, even if it was a stupid game that didn’t mean anything, Wylan felt like the most special person in the world.
Life had continued to be peaceful, for the most part, until he got a text from Nina one afternoon.
Nina: Inej and I are staging an intervention starring you
Nina: come over to Inej’s asap
Wylan: I’m pretty sure you’re not meant to tell people they’re going to an intervention
Nina: whoops
Nina: Inej and I are hosting a fun afternoon with no serious conversations
Nina: coming? :D
Wylan: lol on my way
Wylan spent the whole taxi journey worrying himself sick, and when he knocked on the front door and Inej opened it, she smiled reassuringly at him. “You look like you’re about to vomit.”
“I wouldn’t rule it out.”
Wylan followed Inej up the stairs and to her bedroom, where Nina was already sitting on Inej’s bed. “Hello, I love that jumper on you!”
“Stop trying to butter me up.” Wylan muttered, sitting on Inej’s vanity chair, while Inej placed herself next to Nina. “What did you two want to berate me about?”
“We’re not berating you.” Inej said in her soothing, almost mother-like voice. “We’re just a little concerned.”
“About what?”
“… The dynamic of yours and Jesper’s relationship.”
Wylan frowned, looking between the pair as if the silence would offer up some type of clue, but it gave him nothing. “I’m not following?”
“We’ve heard some things that has us a little worried.” Nina said as she took over the conversation. “Some of the people in school have said that Jesper’s still available for a one-night stand?”
Wylan’s cheeks went red, and he looked away from their faces and out to the window. “Um… Yeah, that’s true. It’s an open relationship.”
“Okay, that’s good.” Inej said, though it sounded anything but. “But we’re also still a little worried about that.”
“Why?” Wylan said bluntly, hoping the quicker and less he spoke, the faster this conversation would go and he could leave.
“Well, we know how much you liked him before you started dating.” Nina replied. “We just don’t want you feeling like you’ve been pressured into this type of relationship by Jesper, when it might not be what you want.”
“We just wanted to make sure that you’re happy with the arrangement.” Inej continued. “Because if you’re not, we could help you speak to Jesper. It’s not right for him to sleep with other people if it makes you uncomfortable.”
Wylan had to stop himself from gritting his teeth together, though he did manage to look over at the two girls. “Who said I was uncomfortable with it?”
“Well, we just thought-”
“I don’t understand why I can’t make my own decision on this?” Wylan interrupted. “If I didn’t like it, I would’ve spoken to him about it. I would’ve told my boyfriend how I felt. I’m more than capable of standing up for myself.”
“We know that!” Nina said defensively, though also in a gentle voice, like she was trying to calm Wylan down. “We just know that sometimes you let people… well, walk all over you. We wanted to make sure it wasn’t happening.”
“Well, it’s not.” Wylan retorted. “I’m nearly an adult, I’m able to stand up for myself and use my own voice. I don’t need you two looking out for me and undermining or belittling my relationship.”
The room went silent, and with every breath, Wylan felt the anger leave his body, instead being replaced with a deep embarrassment. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have spoken to you two like that.”
“No, it’s okay.” Inej said, though her voice was soft and slightly far away.
“No, it wasn’t.” Wylan said with a shake of his head. “I was angry, I shouldn’t have said it like that. I appreciate that you two care for me this much, I really do. But I also want to know that you trust me to deal with my own life. I get so little choices given to me in my life, and while this relationship dynamic might not make sense to you two, it’s what we’ve chosen. Please understand.”
“Oh, sweetie, of course we do.” Nina said as she stood up and walked over to Wylan, wrapping her arms around him tightly. “I’m sorry too, we shouldn’t have spoken to you like a child.”
“Yes, I’m sorry as well.” Inej said, giving him a sweet smile. “We just can’t help worrying, it’s in our blood. You know we’d do it for the other boys as well.”
“Yeah, I know.” Wylan said quietly. “I just got in my head and worked up about it.”
“Well, let’s get you out of your head.” Nina said, pulling back and grinning. “How do you feel about a movie marathon of all of the worst movies we can think of?”
Wylan laughed, but stood up and moved to go sit at the headboard of the bed. “That sounds terrible. I’m so in.”
Soon, summer came to a close, they received their grades (Wylan passing with exceptional results, Jesper happy with his C’s and D’s), and the new year began. Their last year of high school, their last year as a friend group before they’d all be on their own journey. Wylan didn’t want to think about it.
His father’s driver dropped him off over an hour early, as they normally would so Wylan would be associated with Van Eck as little as possible, never mind that everyone in the school knew he was Jan’s son.
He collected his timetable from the office, then made his way to his locker, unloading his bag and putting away his jacket. None of his other friends would be in for a while, Kaz was the only one who often came into school as early as Wylan, but he always stayed at Jesper’s on the first day of school, so he’d be running on Fahey time.
Wylan took a photo of his timetable and sent it to Jesper.
Wylan: *photo attached*
Wylan: can you tell me my timetable please?
Wylan: even just today so I know where I’m going
Jesper: *voice note attached*
Jesper: *voice note attached*
Jesper: *voice note attached*
Jesper: *voice note attached*
Jesper: *voice note attached*
Jesper: <3
Wylan listened to the voice note, hearing Jesper’s smooth voice read out ever lesson he had for the entire week with each day broken down into a new voice note, including his classroom number and his teacher. Wylan saved each voice note and replied with a smile.
Wylan: thank you!
Jesper: of course darling
If Wylan could swoon at a phone, he would.
Jesper: guessing you’re in school already?
Wylan: yeah you know what my father’s like
Wylan: I’m going to sit in the library for a while
Jesper: cool!
Jesper: Kaz is trying to get us going mega early so if I get in before the bell I’ll come find you
Wylan: :)
Wylan put his phone in his pocket and made his way to the school library. He wasn’t a big fan of libraires in general, but the school one also served as a computer lab and a study area, with lots of table for him to sit and hide at.
Finding a small table at the back of the library, he sat down and put in his earbuds, connecting them to his phone and opening his music app. He wasn’t too into making playlists, but Jesper loved to do it, and a few months ago Jesper ‘stole’ Wylan’s phone and made him many, very specific playlists. Wylan loved them all.
He scrolled through his phone, trying to not be so bored, when he saw someone sit across from him. “Hey.”
Wylan looked up, seeing a girl he didn’t recognise sitting in front of him. “Um… Hi?”
“I was hoping I’d find you before school started.”
“Sorry, who are you?”
The girl smiled, as if they were friends. Wylan did not reciprocate it. “I’m Nahita. I just had a quick question. You’re still dating Jesper, right?”
Wylan blinked. “Yeah, I am.”
“Oh… Cool.” She said, now sounding anything but happy. “I just… I was under the impression it was an open relationship? That Jesper was still getting around?”
“Uh… Yeah, it’s an open relationship.” Wylan wrung his hands under the table.
“Okay, that’s what I thought. So why isn’t he responding to my messages?” She said with an accusatory tone, like it was Wylan’s fault.
“I have no idea. I don’t make it a habit of going through his phone and seeing who he does or doesn’t message.”
Nahita rolled her eyes at him. “I just assumed that you told him not to message me. That you got jealous or something, because I’m clearly a better fit for him, I’m just not into the whole relationship thing.”
What the hell is she on about? “Yeah, I didn’t do that.”
“Well, I just think it’s funny that-”
“Hey, Wy!”
Wylan turned around in his seat, seeing Jesper’s grinning smile walking towards him. Jesper placed a kiss on his cheek before taking the seat next to him. Only then did he looked over and notice Nahita. “Oh, hi, Nahita. I didn’t know you two were friends.”
“We’re not.” They both said at the same time, causing Jesper to frown between the pair.
“Right…” Jesper said, stretching out the last syllable, still looking between them for any clues. “So, what’s happening?”
“Why aren’t you responding to my texts?” Nahita blurted out, glaring at Jesper, who’s eyes went wide and darted to Wylan for help, but he just shrugged his shoulders in response.
“Er, I’ve been busy, haven’t had time to look at my phone.”
“I know that’s a lie, because your Instagram says when you’re active.”
Jesper looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Wylan wanted to help him, wanted to step in and save him from the awkwardness, like he knew Jesper would do for him, but Wylan wasn’t a saviour, and his mind was completely blank.
“Nahita, can we not talk about this later?” Jesper asked, rubbing the back of his neck and angling his body more towards Wylan.
“No, we can’t, because you’ll just ignore my texts again.” She said to him. “I just want to know if you want to sleep together, or if I’m just wasting my time and I should go to someone else.”
Jesper looked at her, looked at Wylan, then looked back at her. “You’re wasting your time, I’m not interested. Not that there’s anything wrong with you, you’re great! I’m just not really looking for anything like that right now.”
Nahita sighed, rolling her eyes before grabbing her school bag and standing up. “Whatever. Next time, figure that out before you string someone along.”
She walked out of the library, leaving Jesper and Wylan alone. “Well, that was awkward.”
Wylan forced a laugh, but he looked over at Jesper and frowned. “You didn’t have to say you weren’t interested just because I’m here. You can… You can sleep with her if you want to.”
“I don’t want to.” Jesper said easily. “I wasn’t lying when I said I wasn’t interested.”
Wylan felt like Jesper was staring into his soul. Right past his skin, through his muscles and his bones and his organs, to the small little part that made up Wylan, the small little part that Jesper didn’t even know he owned, didn’t even know he had control over.
A few months later, when Wylan’s birthday rolled around, Wylan was so grateful that it fell on a school day. That he didn’t need to spend the day treading around his father and praying one of the staff of the house would remember his birthday and bring him an extra cookie.
Sure, school wasn’t much different, but he was happy there, and he would take that for his birthday.
Jesper: are you at school yet?
Wylan: yes just got here
Wylan: are you here already?
Jesper: come to our tree
Wylan: are you there?
Jesper: wylannnnnn
Wylan: fine fine I’m on my way
Wylan pocketed his phone and made his way to their groups regular tree near the running track. He could feel the nerves in the bottom of his stomach, but it was just Jesper, it would be fine. Though, him being early to school was already setting off alarm bells.
When he left the school building and turned the corner, he could see Jesper sitting down and leaning against the tree, his head tilted up to the sky and his eyes closed. He looked beautiful, even in the cold October morning. It was like the sun was shining down on just him, marking him for all to see, or maybe just highlighting him for Wylan’s eyes only.
He was like an angel. And Wylan had been praying so hard.
Jesper opened his eyes and turned his head to look at Wylan when he came closer, a smile blooming on his lips and his eyes crinkling in delight. “Wylan, my favourite sight.”
Wylan took a seat next to him, placing his bag down and smiling shyly. “Hey, Jes. You’re in early.”
“Don’t sound so surprised.” Jesper said as he elbowed him in the side lightly. “I came in early to see you.”
“You’d see me if you came in late anyways. We spend break and lunch together every day.”
“Yeah, but we’re also with everyone else. I wanted a minute with you alone.”
“Why?”
Jesper scoffed, but the smile never left your face. “To tell you happy birthday!”
Wylan just rolled his eyes in response. “Oh for Saints sake, Jesper. You could’ve told me that in front of our friends.”
“Shut up and let me do this.” Jesper said with a laugh, suddenly turning away from Wylan and riffling through his bag. Wylan sat there for a moment, fighting between peeking over Jesper’s shoulder, and looking away to keep the surprise. But soon, Jesper turned back around, a huge grin on his face.
“Happy birthday to you…”
Wylan’s eyes went wide, looking at the little cupcake with a single lit candle in Jesper’s hands, as he continued to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to Wylan. When he finished, Jesper looked at him and his smile turned softer. “Make a wish and blow it out.”
Wylan looked down at the little flame, closed his eyes, and blew it out.
I wish you were mine.
Jesper cheered and took out the candle before handing the cupcake over to Wylan, which Wylan took and placed on top of his knee. “I have a present for you, before you start eating that.”
Wylan looked over at Jesper, seeing the wrapped gift in his hands. “Oh, Jesper, you didn’t have to.”
“Of course I did, you’re my bo- my best friend.”
Wylan took the present from him, moving the cupcake before placing the present on his lap. He pealed back the wrapping carefully, until he was able to slide the contents out of it.
“It’s a sketchbook.” Jesper explained, suddenly sheepish and rubbing the back of his neck. “Moneys a bit tight at the minute, so I didn’t have much I could afford, but I know you like to draw and paint, so it’s an all medium sketchbook.
“I also already drew on the first page. I know you get scared and hate ruining a new sketchbook, so I thought I’d start it for you. It’s not great, so feel free to rip it out when you start drawing in it, but it’s a start.”
Wylan flipped to the first page, letting out a little snort at the drawing. It was two simple stick figures holding hands, one much taller than the other, who had a huge head of curls. There was love hearts and flowers drawn all around the page, and there was also the date of when Jesper drew it in the top hand corner of the page, just like Wylan always did with his own drawings.
“Jesper, this is amazing, thank you.”
Jesper smiled at him, wrapping an arm around his shoulder and chuckling. “I mean, it’s not great, but I wanted to at least give you something I thought you’d like.”
“Jesper.” Wylan placed the sketchbook on the ground and turned to face him, raising his hands and placing them on his friend’s chest. And suddenly, they were close, so close Wylan could feel Jesper’s breaths leaving his mouth. “It’s perfect, thank you.”
Jesper smiled, lowered his wrapped arm so it was now around Wylan’s waist, and Wylan watched Jesper’s eyes flicker from his eyes down to his lips.
Wylan couldn’t take in a breath, it felt like that night at Jesper’s all over again. Wylan wanted to try again. He wanted to kiss Jesper and have Jesper kiss him back. He wanted to love and be loved. He wanted-
“Wylan!”
The two boys ripped themselves from each other, and Wylan turned to see Nina rushing over to them. “It’s the birthday boy!”
Wylan coughed as Nina wrapped her arms around him, so tight he couldn’t breathe.
When she finally let go, he turned to see Jesper standing up, bag on his shoulder and eyes not meeting Wylan’s. “I need to go speak to Miss Croziee before school starts, I’ll see you two later.”
If it was socially acceptable for Jesper to sprint away from them, Wylan was pretty sure he would have.
Mock exams passed, Christmas came and went, with a horrible secret Santa being exchanged between their friend group which had been organised by Nina (Wylan received a bomb kit from Kaz), and soon, it was January and they were back at school.
When Wylan went into school early one day, he completed his usual routine of going to his locker to dump everything from his bag that he didn’t need, and then made his way to the library to hide from everyone until the bell rang.
However, when he entered the library, he saw Jesper was already there, sitting in front of a computer with his chin in his hand.
“Hey, you’re here early.” Wylan said as a greeting, taking the chair next to Jesper and dropping his bag on the ground.
Jesper turned to look at him, smiling sheepishly before turning back to the computer. “Yeah, I wanted to try and work on my university application.”
Wylan raised his eyebrows. They had spoken about university a few times over the past few months, but it was always about Wylan’s application, about what he was going to apply for (mainly music, with some maths and chemistry mixed into it to please his father), where he was going to apply (two close by and the rest far away at his favourite universities), and what he could include in his personal statement (his struggles of being dyslexic, with the family issues mixed into it to tug at their heartstrings and make them feel sorry for him). Wylan had no idea that Jesper was interested in further education. “Oh, what are you thinking of applying to?”
“See, that’s the thing. I have no idea.” Jesper said with a groan, leaning back in the chair. “I was thinking it would be logical to do something with agriculture, so I’ll be more equipped to take over the farm, but that just sounds so boring. Plus, what am I going to learn about running a farm that I don’t already know or can’t learn hands on?”
Wylan looked over to the computer, at the application, with all of Jesper’s personal details filled, but his personal statement and his choices completely blank.
“You can do whatever you want, it doesn’t need to connect to the farm. It doesn’t even need to lead you to a future career.” Wylan said to him. “What do you want to do?”
“Not a single clue.” Jesper replied quietly. “I don’t really have a lot of choice. I guess something with drama would be interesting, but I’m failing the class, so that’s probably out of the question.”
“You never know until you apply.” Wylan said to him. “What about a physical education degree? Or sports science or physical therapy?”
Jesper sighed, crossed his arms in front of his chest, and shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know. I’m not very good at PE either. I can do the running and the physical side, but I’m crap at the writing, which is the main part of the grade, so I probably wouldn’t get into it.”
“There’s still time to get your grades up, Jesper.” Wylan told him. “Like I said, you never know until you apply. Better to try and fail than not try and never know.”
“I guess.” Jesper said. “It’s just scary. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, and yet I need to apply to university now.”
Wylan placed a hand on Jesper’s arm, and Jesper immediately turned his head to look at Wylan’s face. “You can always change your mind. You can decide you don’t like your course and change it. You can go into a job and decide it’s not for you. You can decide further education isn’t your thing halfway through. You can do anything.”
Jesper smiled at him, and Wylan could feel his heart beating loudly in his chest. “You’re amazing, Wylan. Now, help me look through the courses and decide which is the best of the worse.”
And so, life continued as normal.
One Monday night, Wylan was sitting on the floor of his bedroom annotating his sheet music. He had wanted to try practicing, but his father had already threatened him that night, and he didn’t want to play with fire and make it worse.
He was so absorbed in his work, that he almost didn’t see his phone flash with a notification. When he picked it up, though, he was glad he noticed when he saw a purple heart for Jesper’s contact.
Jesper: one year anniversary this Sunday, want to go out to dinner?
Wylan smiled at his phone, feeling his stomach flutter lightly. Jesper was horrible with dates, it was a running joke in their friend group that Jesper wouldn’t remember birthdays, school terms dates, holidays. Anything with a date, Jesper was bound to forget.
Wylan: you remembered?
Jesper: you didn’t?
Of course he did.
Wylan: where are you taking me? :)
So, that Sunday, Wylan waited outside of his house for Jesper to come pick him up. He hadn’t been told anything except to dress nicely, whatever that meant to Jesper. Wylan just kept it simple and wore one of his more expensive woollen jumpers over a shirt.
Wylan looked over at the road when he heard a honking horn, smiling as Jesper pulled up and parked.
Wylan walked over and got into the car, smiling at Jesper. “I bet your father had a heart attack about letting you drive yourself.”
“Hey!” Jesper said, putting a hand to his heart. “I’ll have you know I passed with only eight minors. I am a very competent driver.”
“Let’s just hope we make it to the restaurant in one piece.” Wylan replied, pretending to hold onto the inside of the door for dramatic effect, but laughed when Jesper slapped him lightly on the shoulder.
They sat mainly in silence, only the soft radio station playing between them. Wylan didn’t mind it, but it was strange to not have Jesper’s constant rambling fill the air.
“We’re here.”
Wylan blinked and looked out the window, only then realising they had pulled into a carpark and had stopped driving. He looked above the doors of the entrance, trying to see if he recognised the colour combinations or the order of the letters, but it was no luck. “What does the sign say?”
“La Marble and Ember.”
“Sounds fancy.”
“I think it’s one of those places that tries to be fancy but can’t pull it off perfectly.” Jesper said. “Perfect for us, don’t you think?”
Wylan turned to Jesper and smiled. “Yeah, let’s go.”
Jesper got out of the car, and before Wylan could even put his hand on the doorhandle, Jesper was sprinting around the car and opening Wylan’s door. “Sir.”
“You’re ridiculous.” Wylan said with a laugh while getting out of the car.
“Just trying to be a perfect boyfriend.”
“You don’t need to try.” Wylan said without thinking, eyes bulging and cheeks reddening when he processed the words. But when he dared to sneak a glance at Jesper, he could see him smiling softly, his own cheeks stained pink.
When they entered the restaurant, Jesper said his name for the reservation and the waiter showed them to the table.
“Jesper, you don’t need to do this.” Wylan said with a grin as he watched Jesper pull out a chair for him.
“I don’t need to, but I’d like to.” Jesper replied, pushing Wylan’s chair in when he had sat down, and then took his own seat opposite Wylan. “So, first impressions?”
“Of you or of the restaurant?”
“Both.”
“Well, let’s see.” Wylan said, putting a finger on the tip of his chin and pretending to think hard. “The restaurant is lovely, very romantic, so well done on that front. Regarding you, when I first met you, I thought you were loud and bright.”
And had the most perfect lips I had ever seen.
Jesper laughed, and Wylan committed it to memory. “‘Loud and bright’?”
“Well, you were wearing that awful neon yellow waistcoat, and I don’t really need to explain the loud part.”
Food and drinks were ordered, and they fell into a comfortable conversation while waiting for their food to arrive. “There is no way Kaz said that.”
“I’m telling you the truth!” Jesper said, arms moving around wildly. “I swear on my father’s life, he told the little girl that he was a monster hiding under her bed. You should’ve seen her face!”
“I can’t believe he is real.” Wylan said with a small chuckle. “How did you two become friends anyway? You always seem at each other’s throats, I can’t imagine you being nice enough to each other to become friends.”
“I don’t think we were ever nice to each other.” Jesper replied, leaning back in his chair and looking up. “We met in primary school, he had just moved after his brother died, so he didn’t know anyone and he hated literally every human that walked the earth. I was asked by the teacher to show him around for the first week, and I just never left him alone after that. Da says he liked me because I didn’t treat him different to the other kids, but I don’t know.”
Wylan smiled at the boy across from him, placing his chin in the palm of his hand and tilting his head lightly. “I can believe that. Kaz has the biggest soft spot for you, it’s adorable.”
“Don’t let him hear you calling him that.” Jesper said. “I don’t want to have to give you mouth to mouth.”
Wylan swallowed hard, multiple images and fantasies blooming in his mind. “Hey… Um, Jesper… Don’t you think it’s weird?”
Jesper looked at him for a moment, before frowning. “Do I think what’s weird?”
“That… You know… That we don’t kiss or do anything romantic.” He said. “In public, I mean!”
Jesper didn’t reply for a moment, and Wylan seriously considered running out of the restaurant. “Well, we can if you want to, I just didn’t think it’s something you’d want to do.”
“No, no! I mean, not ‘no’ but like- well you know… I just thought that… Well-”
“Wylan.” Jesper said, leaning forward and putting a hand on Wylan’s arm. “It’s okay, don’t freak out. We don’t need to do anything. We were always physical when we were just friends, hugging and holding hands, it’s not any different now, the only thing we don’t do is lock lips.”
“Oh for Saints sake.”
“So, we can just continue as we are. Everyone believes we’re together, no need to change it if you don’t want to.” Jesper looked at him, and Wylan looked back, but then Jesper spoke again. “We don’t need to keep doing this, you know.”
Wylan felt his heart stop beating in his chest. “What?”
“This fake dating. We only ever done it for a laugh.” Jesper continued. “But it’s been a year. If you don’t want to do this anymore, I’d understand. I don’t want to hold you back from meeting someone you’d actually be interested in.”
Wylan frowned at him. “You’re hardly holding me back. It’s not like there’s much choice for me here out there.”
Jesper rolled his eyes at Wylan, and Wylan suddenly felt very uncomfortable, like he had said the wrong thing, but it calmed when Jesper spoke again. “Wylan, dear, how many times do I need to tell you that any guy would be lucky to have you. You’re perfection.”
Wylan felt like he was being thrown about on a roller coaster, one minute convinced that Jesper hated him and didn’t want to be his (fake) boyfriend anymore, and the next believing that Jesper in fact did want him the way Wylan dreamed he would one day.
“Well, um…” Wylan coughed, took a sip of his water, then went on. “I don’t want to end this, if you don’t want too either. Other than the occasional person getting jealous and giving me a hard time, being your boyfriend is like a blanket of protection in school… It’s nice.”
Wylan glanced up at the boy across from him, seeing a smile on his lips. “Good, I don’t want to break up either.”
“Really?” Wylan couldn’t help but say. “What are you getting out of this?”
Jesper looked at him from across the table, and Wylan felt like he could see right through him, down to the very essence of his soul. “I get to see what it’s like to be with someone romantically, rather than just sleeping with them. I get to not feel broken and unlovable, that all I’m good for is a fun time in bed. I get to feel wanted and I get attention on me. I get to make you smile, and blush, and laugh more than I ever have before.”
“Jesper.” Wylan’s voice was a whisper, worried if he spoke louder, he would break the vulnerability that Jesper was showing him. “You don’t need to date me to feel those things. I’ve always cared for you and seen you, boyfriend or not.”
Jesper gave him one of those rare, soft smiles, and Wylan memorised and catalogued it like he did with all of the others. “I also get to date the kindest, hottest, and most selfless person in the school. I get a pretty good deal out of this.”
“Shut up, you’re just saying that because I’m sitting here.”
“I’m not.” Jesper shook his head. “I’m really not.”
When Wylan was lying in his bed later that night, looking up at his ceiling and thinking back on the night, from their dinner at the cozy restaurant, to a late night drive which ended with them lying on the ground of a faraway park and looking at the stars, it was that conversation that kept replaying in Wylan’s mind.
Before anyone knew it, classes were finished and study leave began, their final exam looming over their shoulders. Wylan was grateful they were still allowed into the school to study. Unless he was spending time with his friends, he was at school, trying his hardest to stay out of his house.
Jesper: you going into school today?
Wylan: yes the plan is to study history
Jesper: any chance you want to change your plans and come to mine and help me study?
Wylan: Jesper the last time we tried to study together you convinced me to binge the Marvel movies
Jesper: this will be different I promise!!
Jesper: my maths revision is kicking my arse, I need a smart persons help if I have any hope of passing this exam
Jesper: *photo attached*
“Oh Saints.” Wylan said as he looked at the photo Jesper sent, his bedroom floor completely covered with papers of maths scribblings, the order making no sense at all.
Wylan: okay I’ll come over
Jesper: YES
Wylan: I’ll phone for a taxi and be on my way
Wylan: I expect payment for this, tutoring isn’t cheap
Jesper: I’ll give you a big smooch
Wylan put his phone into his pocket, not trusting himself to answer.
After two hours, where he got himself ready, phoned the taxi, and got into the car, he had made it to the Fahey farm and was entering the house. It was quiet, Colm likely having already been out on the farm for hours, Kaz either not there or couped up in his designated room, and Jesper in his room drowning in maths work.
Wylan made his way up the stairs and entered Jesper’s bedroom.
“Wylan!” Jesper said with a huge, relieved smile when he saw Wylan enter. “You don’t know how happy I am to see you.”
“Hey, Jes.” Wylan shifted some of the loose paper so he could sit next to Jesper, his bag being placed beside him. “Is there method to the madness here?”
Jesper looked back down at the papers, before turning back to look sheepishly at Wylan. “It’s all maths?”
Wylan snorted, putting some of the papers towards him and beginning to organise them. “Okay, give me five minutes to organise these and then we’ll tackle studying.”
“Wylan, you don’t need to actually do this.” Jesper said as he placed a hand over Wylan’s, their skin touching and sending the usual sparks all over Wylan’s body. “I know you need to study, I just wanted the company and someone to hold me accountable when I slack.”
“No, no, it’s fine, I want to help you.” Wylan said as he brushed him off. “This will get me into the studying mood and then I can fly through my history.”
They spent the next few minutes organising the notes into different topics, then made a list of each topic in order of importance, considering how much (or how little) Jesper knew of the subject, and how weighted it was likely to be in the exam.
They then began on one of the heavily weighted, but more simple topics, Wylan showing him how to do it, and then helping Jesper go through a couple of examples. “Okay, I think I’ve got it. You go on with your history.”
“You sure?” Wylan said, beginning to reach for his bag but not looking away from Jesper.
“Yeah, yeah. I’ve got this.” Jesper said with a wave of his hand, and Wylan nodded before grabbing his laptop and his notebook (which was full of drawings to try and help Wylan remember the facts of their topics), plugging his headphones in and opening his notes.
They worked in silence for the next while. Wylan wasn’t sure if he’d be able to work with Jesper in the same room as him, most of the time they got distracted and ended up just talking to one another, but the stress of their final exams must’ve been getting to them, as even Jesper hadn’t broken their silence.
After two thirds of an hour of studying, Wylan happened to glance over at Jesper, immediately pausing the recording he was listening to and taking out his headphones. “Jes?”
Jesper’s head was in his hands, notebook in front of him, which had been filled with his working, but was now completely scribbled over, dark harsh lines covering the page.
Jesper didn’t respond, so Wylan put his laptop to one side and scooted closer to the boy next to him. “Jesper, what’s wrong?”
“I’m fucking stupid, is what’s wrong.” Jesper said, and Wylan could hear his voice struggling.
Wylan reached out a hand and pulled away one of Jesper’s from his face, seeing it had been covering the tears staining his cheeks. “Oh, Jes.”
“Don’t pity me. I don’t need it.” Jesper responded, but he didn’t stop Wylan from wrapping his arms around him and pulling Jesper into his chest. It was slightly awkward, with Jesper being so much taller than him, but they made it work, and Jesper melted into his hold. “I can’t do it.”
“You can, Jes, you just need a little more practice.” Wylan tried to wipe away the tears, but Jesper shook his head, and more new ones continued to fall.
“No, you don’t understand. I’ve been trying to learn this for months, and I’m not any better than when I was first taught it. I just can’t do it. I’m too fucking stupid for basic maths that people three years younger than me ace.”
“You can’t compare yourself to other people, Jesper” Wylan rubbed a hand up and down Jesper’s arm, trying to comfort him. It was a strange situation, Jesper was so good at masking his emotions and controlling them until he was alone. Even with Wylan, so it was rare that he saw Jesper break down. “Everyone has things their bad and good at. You wouldn’t call me stupid because I’m bad at English, so don’t call yourself that for struggling with maths.”
“That’s because you have a disability, and when you got the accommodations you needed, you got a good grade in English.”
“You have ADHD.”
“But there’s millions of people who have ADHD and are smart. There’s no reason for me to be bad at maths, I’m just an idiot.”
Wylan’s heart broke when he heard Jesper sob, and he wrapped his arms tighter around the taller boy, trying his best to keep him together. Jesper kept talking through his cries, and Wylan wasn’t even sure if he was aware he was speaking, or if the rambling had just gotten the better of him. “I’m not going to go anywhere in life. I’m shit at everything in school, even the subjects I’m meant to be good at like PE and drama, I’ve been failing.
“All of our friends are so smart, you’re all so good at every subject, even when you’ve been through so much. What excuse have I got? I’ve had a pretty perfect life, and yet I can’t pass a single exam. I’m just fucking dumb and I’m going to have a shitty job and a shitty life.
“What is wrong with me, Wylan?” Jesper’s voice was a whisper, his crying finally taking over and no longer being able to talk.
“There is nothing wrong with you, Jesper.” Wylan replied, kissing the top of Jesper’s head out of instinct, trying his best to not think about it and instead focus on comforting Jesper. “There is plenty of things you are good at. You’re kind and selfless, you’re always the first person to come running when someone needs help, and you always calm me down and make me laugh when I’m spiralling.
“You’re so smart when it comes to the farm work, you know how to work every machine and how to control the animals. You’re an amazing shot. You’re a great cook. You’re an incredible runner.” Wylan could’ve kept talking forever about how perfect Jesper was, about how much Jesper meant to him. “There are so many things you’re good at Jesper, school isn’t everything, and you can have a great life without grades. You always say that you wish I could see myself how you see me, well, I wish you could see yourself how I see you.”
“Oh, Wylan.” Jesper whispered, a small sob coming through, but when Wylan looked down, he could see a smile on Jesper’s face. Jesper lifted his head, and Wylan reached out to brush away the tears. Jesper placed a hand on Wylan’s back, pulling them close to each other so their chests were practically against one another. “I really do love you, Wylan.”
Wylan sucked in a breath, eyes bulging. Jesper didn’t move though, just smiled and gave the occasional sniffle. Wylan moved his hand from Jesper’s cheek to his neck, holding onto him.
Jesper leaned forward, and this was it, they were going to kiss, Wylan was ready for it.
He closed his eyes in preparation, but he didn’t feel lips against his. Instead, Jesper rested his forehead against Wylan’s, letting his breath tickle Wylan’s face. Wylan wanted to shift their faces, wanted to connect their lips and kiss Jesper until neither of them could breathe, but he didn’t dare to.
They had been through this moment so many times as of recent, where Wylan was convinced they were going to kiss, that they were going to end their fake relationship and turn it into a real one. But every time, Wylan had been wrong. He didn’t want to kiss Jesper and be rejected. If they ever did kiss, if there was ever a small flicker that Jesper might like him back, then Wylan would let Jesper instigate it.
Before any of them knew it, study leave ended and exam season began.
Wylan threw himself into them, studying until the last moment of him walking into the exam hall, and spending every second of his allotted time completing the questions, and then going over and over them until his throat hurt and his ears couldn’t listen anymore.
He felt proud of himself, a rare thing he didn’t let himself feel often. But he was happy with all of his exams and confident in the results he would receive.
On the day of his last exam, he was over the moon to find out that Jesper also had his final exam the same day as him.
Jesper: my exam finishes at 12:30
Wylan: mine is at 1
Jesper: I’ll wait for you and we’ll go have a celebratory lunch?
Wylan: sounds perfect!
Jesper: <3
Jesper: okay I need to go we’re heading in soon
Wylan: good luck!
Jesper: thank you wy
Jesper: I don’t even need to wish you luck I know you’ll crush it
Wylan smiled down at his phone, then locked it and got back to his final cramming session.
When he went into his final exam, his music theory, he had never felt as good.
He left the room with a big smile on his face, and it only grew bigger when he saw Jesper standing near the exit of the school. “Wy!”
“Hey!” Wylan said, walking over to him and hugging him tightly, ignoring the panic coursing through him at being so openly affectionate. “I can’t believe it’s over.”
Jesper laughed, wrapping his arms around the shorter boy and hugging him back. “I know, complete freedom for the next few months.”
Wylan pulled back, looking into his eyes and being unable to wipe the grin off his face. “How did the exam go?”
He was prepared to focus on Jesper’s face for any tell of a lie, for any self-deprecation or panic, but there was none of that. Jesper just smiled at him, a true smile. “A lot better than I thought. What about you?”
“It went great. We’re going to get amazing grades.” Wylan replied. “Can we go now? I’m starving.”
“That is the best thing I have heard all day.” Jesper said, opening the school doors and letting Wylan walk through them.
They made it to Jesper’s car, putting on their seatbelts and turning on some soft, quiet music. “Where do you want to go? You’re pick.”
Wylan was quiet for a moment, trying to think of somewhere nearby that they both liked, or that at least Jesper liked. “What about the little café down the street? The one you said does amazing burgers.”
“Oh Wylan, you know the way to my heart.” Jesper said, starting the car and beginning to drive away from the school. “You don’t even really like burgers, though.”
But I like you.
“They do nice loaded fries.” Wylan replied, looking down at his hands to distract himself.
Jesper found a parking spot easily, and they made their way inside. The hostess led them to a table near the back, and Wylan took the booth while Jesper took the chair opposite.
She handed them two menus before leaving, but Wylan didn’t bother opening his, just looked over at Jesper.
“They have chili cheese, buffalo chicken, or pulled pork loaded fries. Unless you fancy something else? A sandwich or a salad?”
“The chili cheese sounds nice.” Wylan said to him. “What drinks do they have?”
“Pretty much everything.” Jesper replied. “They have soft drinks, milkshakes, lemonade, juice, coffee, tea, hot chocolate, mocktails. Any of them sound good?”
“What’s the milkshake flavours?”
“Just the regulars. Chocolate, strawberry, banana, or vanilla.”
“I think I’ll get vanilla. What are you getting?”
“The same as I always get.” Jesper said as he closed the menu. “The fried buttermilk chicken burger and a coke.”
“You’re so predictable.” Wylan said with a laugh. “You grew up trying every cuisine under the sun, and you go for the most basic burger.”
“Hey!” Jesper said as he put his hands up in defence. “Don’t fix what isn’t broken.”
Their waiter came over, and Jesper said their order for them, and a couple of minutes later, their drinks were served. “So, plans for the summer?”
Wylan shrugged. “Try to avoid my father as much as possible. Spend half of the time stressing over my exams and getting into university. Hopefully spending a good chunk of my time at yours?”
“That’s a given.” Jesper said. “You know you’re welcome anytime. You could show up at three in the morning with no warning and we’d let you in.”
Wylan felt sick. He felt like the time was coming very soon where he wouldn’t be able to look at Jesper without having to physically stop himself from jumping on him. It had been nearly a year and a half since they had begun their fake relationship, and everyday Wylan found it harder and harder to hide his secret. He didn’t want to let it eat him up and ruin his friendship with Jesper, but he also didn’t want to confess and be rejected and ruin the friendship anyway.
“No wonder everyone believes we’re dating, when you say things like that.” Wylan said, forcing a light-hearted laugh out of his lips.
Jesper just tilted his head and smiled softly. “Well, it’s not difficult to pretend when my fake boyfriend is the most perfect person to exist.”
A few weeks later, prom was upon them. Wylan was grateful that his father and stepmum were out of town for the weekend, leaving the house to himself, otherwise he would have never been allowed to go. He was fixing his collar when he felt his phone ping.
Jesper: shit I never asked you out to prom fuck
Jesper: I swear I meant to
Wylan: I mean, as your fake boyfriend, it’s probably expected that we’d go together
Jesper: does that mean you’ll go to prom with me?
Wylan: yes you weirdo
Jesper: thank the saints
Jesper: I’m outside (in a taxi)
Wylan: JESPER
Wylan: coming now give me 5 minutes
Wylan spent the next few minutes rushing around his room to grab his things, checking himself in the mirror a million times, and putting a small mint in his mouth, before leaping down the stairs and leaving the house.
“Hey!” Jesper said with a grin as Wylan got into the back of the taxi next to him, but the grin quickly disappeared, and he looked Wylan up and down fully before speaking again. “You look… You look magnificent. Woah, Wylan.”
Wylan looked down at himself a little self-consciously, fixing his blazer before looking back and smiling shyly at Jesper. “Thanks. You look great too, Jesper.”
Jesper kept his eyes locked on him, before shaking his head and reaching into his pocket. “I got you a present.”
Wylan took the small box from him, opening it and seeing a small green flower sitting inside. “It’s a corsage. Green to match my suit. I thought you could wear it, if you’d like.”
Wylan blinked back the sudden tears in his eyes, smiling as he took the flowers out of the box. “I love it, thank you. Put it on me?”
Jesper took the flowers from him, their fingers brushing lightly and sending lightening through Wylan’s body. He held his breath as Jesper, very delicately, pinned the corsage to Wylan’s suit, smiling at his work when he was finished. “Perfect, we look like a real couple.”
Wylan looked down at the flower, at how perfectly he fit next to Jesper, at how this must’ve been a dream and he was sure to wake up soon. “I thought Kaz was pregaming and getting ready at yours?”
“Oh, he was. He left in his own taxi to go pick up Inej.” Jesper said with a little waggle of his eyebrows. “You should’ve seen how nervous he was, I’ve never seen him like that before.”
“Almost like he’s a real person.”
Jesper laughed, and Wylan had never felt so happy.
When they entered the hotel ballroom that their school was hosting the prom at, Wylan felt like he was in a high school romance movie. The lighting was a soft yellow with the occasional spotlight on the dance floor, the tables had a white tablecloth over them and each had a huge flower arrangement in the middle, the food and drink stands around the side of the room were decorated with flowers and beautifully designed glassware, and there was various backdrops for photos.
Wylan could hardly take it in fully before he felt a pair of arms engulf him. “Wylan, you look so hot!”
“Thank you, Nina.” Wylan said with a laugh, hugging her before pulling back. She was wearing a signature low cut red dress, and from the look Matthias was giving her, he approved immensely. “You look amazing.”
“I do, don’t I?” She said, before turning to Jesper and giving him an equal amount of compliments and death gripping hugs. She pulled back and smiled at them, before linking arms with Wylan. “Our tables this way, Inej and Kaz are already there.”
They made their way to their designated table, and Wylan smiled at Inej when he saw her, complimenting her on her beautiful dark blue dress, before nodding at Kaz and taking his seat. Jesper done his quick round of hellos and compliments, before taking a seat next to Wylan, scooting his chair slightly closer to him. He then leaned in, so his lips were inches from Wylan’s ear, and Wylan had to hold back his shudder. “I still think you’re the hottest person here.”
The room began to fill, and soft music began to play. They had their quick three course meal, which was pretty mediocre (but honestly better than they were all expecting it to be), and then the DJ entered and the music was turned up.
“Jesper, this is our song!” Nina said, taking Jesper’s hand in a death grip and pulling him to the dance floor.
Wylan watched with a smile, unable to take his eyes off of Jesper, but honestly, when had he ever been able to?
“You want some?” Wylan turned his head to Kaz, seeing him holding a seemingly innocent drink in his hand, but Wylan knew otherwise. “It must be tiring to have pretended to be his boyfriend for so long, this’ll help you relax.”
Wylan considered for a moment, before taking the glass and drinking half of it in one go. The alcohol burned as it made its way down his throat, but the warm feeling was welcomed, and he smiled when Kaz told him to keep the glass and come find him whenever he needed a refill.
Wylan sat at the table for a while, watching his friends dance to the upbeat music, before one of the songs ended and all of their friends made their way back to the table, with Nina speaking immediately. “We need to do photos before we all get too drunk.”
They let Nina pick her favourite backdrop, which was one of the white and pink flower walls. “Okay, me first, then me and Matthias. Inej, take my phone, I don’t trust anyone else taking my photo.”
The next ten or so minutes consisted of photo after photo, Wylan stepping in whenever Nina ordered him too. He had photos with himself, photos with Nina and Inej, photos as a full group, and then-
“Okay, Jesper and Wylan, get in there!”
Jesper looked over at Wylan, smiling at him before walking to stand in front of the flower wall. Wylan followed him, unsure of what to do with himself, so he just stood next to Jesper, hoping he would take the lead. Jesper wrapped an arm around him, resting his hand on Wylan’s hip and letting their bodies go flush against each other. Nina took a few photos, before rolling her eyes. “Come on guys, do a better pose than that, something that actually shows you’ve been together for a year and a half.”
Neither of them moved, but then Wylan felt Jesper move him so he was standing in front the taller man. Wylan then felt Jesper’s hands snake their way around his waist, and when Wylan turned his head to the side, he was met with Jesper staring right at him, his eyes crinkled and twinkling.
Wylan could hear the clicking Nina taking photos, but he wasn’t focused on that, all he could think about was the man staring at him, the man he loved more than anything but could never have.
Jesper then moved and kissed Wylan on the cheek, and Nina practically squealed before taking rapid fire photos. “Perfect, got it!”
They stayed like that for a moment too long, before Jesper pulled himself back and smiled. “I’d say we’re the prettiest couple here, Wy.”
Finally, Nina let them all go, and Wylan planned to make his way back to the table, but was stopped by Jesper taking his hand in his. “Oh no, you’re coming to dance with me.”
“Jesper, I don’t dance.” Wylan said, but nevertheless allowed himself to be dragged by Jesper.
“Neither do I, we can make a fool of ourselves together.”
The music was loud and upbeat, and Jesper led them to near the middle of the dance floor, before taking both of Wylan’s hands in his own and beginning to dance, leading Wylan with the moves.
Despite the initial embarrassment, Wylan soon found himself lost in the music and Jesper’s presence (and the second drink of whatever the hell alcohol Kaz had brought in). A good hour passed of them jumping around and making a fool of themselves, and the whole time Wylan had a huge grin on his face, just happy to be there and with Jesper. Though, he silently prayed a slow song would come on and change the mood.
“Okay, okay, I need a break.” Wylan said, looking at Jesper and chuckling. “I’ve got nowhere near as much energy as you.”
Jesper smiled at him, putting his hands on Wylan’s cheek and giving him a kiss on his forehead. “Don’t go too far, I still want to dance more with my sunshine!”
Wylan laughed and left the dancefloor, he wasn’t sure how many drinks deep Jesper was, but he guessed a few. He made it back to the table, taking a seat next to Inej, the only other person there. “Hey, Inej, you okay?”
Inej turned to him and smiled softly. “Yeah, just taking a break. It’s a lot in here.”
Wylan just hummed in agreement, content enough to sit in silence, but then Inej spoke again. “You having a good time with Jesper?”
Wylan blinked, looking over at Inej and nodding slowly. “Of course.”
She looked at him for a moment, as if assessing him. “Have you two spoken about the future? About university and moving away?”
Wylan swallowed and looked away from Inej. “We… We’ve spoken about it in broad terms, but nothing specific, nothing about us.”
“Do you not think you should? Especially if you’re going to different universities.”
No. Wylan did not think they should talk about it. Wylan actually thought they should avoid the conversation until the last possible second. Because Wylan knew, if they spoke about it, the only logical conclusion would be to end their ‘relationship’. So Jesper could be free, and Wylan would be broken.
“Have you and Kaz had that conversation yet?” Wylan retorted. It was a low blow, a deflection, and he immediately felt bad for saying it, but Inej just laughed lightly.
“I think you need to drink more.” Inej said, sliding a glass to him, which Wylan gladly downed.
They spoke for a few minutes, before Nina dragged Inej away, and Wylan could only stand being alone for a little while longer, before he got up to find Jesper.
He done a quick lap of the dancefloor with no luck. He wasn’t at any of the tables, or on the outside balcony, or at the bar, or in the toilets.
Wylan was about to give up, when he saw something out of the corner of his eye.
He felt like his heart wasn’t beating as he watched Jesper pin a girl against the outside wall, making out with her like she was his breath. Wylan’s eyes were locked on the scene, on how well they fit together, on how hungry Jesper was, on how alone he felt, and like Jesper could sense it, he broke away from the girl and turned his head, eyes locking with Wylan’s.
Like he was in the wrong, Wylan immediately looked away and walked back into the ballroom, trying his hardest to not let the tears in his eyes escape. It was idiotic, it was stupid. Just because Jesper complimented him, just because Jesper held him, just because he had been given a stupid corsage and had been made to feel special, didn’t mean he was loved.
“Wylan! Wylan, wait!”
Wylan didn’t respond, but he was forced to stop and look back when Jesper’s hand latched onto his wrist. When Wylan looked at him, he looked just as shocked as Wylan felt, and Wylan nearly pretended to just forget about it, but his eyes immediately went to how plump Jesper’s lips were, and how ragged his breathing was.
“Wylan, I-”
“It’s fine.” Wylan said instinctively, putting a smile on his lips to hide the heartbreak he felt. “It’s an open relationship, we’re not actually together. You’ve been with other people since we started dating. It’s fine.”
“No, it’s not, Wylan. Please just let me speak.” Jesper took a step forward, going to place a hand on Wylan’s neck, but Wylan just politely smiled and pulled back.
“Honestly, it’s okay. I’m going to find Kaz and get a drink.”
Wylan didn’t remember much else of the prom. He remembered being handed many drinks off Kaz. He remembered dancing with Nina and Inej. He remembered being on top of Matthias’ shoulders. And he remembered trying his best to avoid Jesper for the rest of the night. But the rest was a blur.
Soon, though, the night came to a close, and all of their friends piled into two taxis’, heading to Wylan’s house to spend the night.
He got into the taxi with Inej and Nina, leaving the other one for the three boys. They spent the journey singing songs they had danced to, and trying their best not to throw up, but soon they made it to Wylan’s home.
All six of them made their way inside, taking off their shoes and their jackets. Nina was the first one to speak. “Okay, guys, as much as I love you all, it is three in the morning and I am shattered. Matthias, we’re going to bed. Usual rooms, Wylan?”
Wylan nodded, and Nina and Matthias headed upstairs to the room they always stayed in when the group managed to stay over at Wylan’s house.
“I’m going to bed as well. Night.” Inej said, kissing Wylan and Jesper on the cheek before heading upstairs, with Kaz close behind her. Wylan knew they wouldn’t share a room for the night, but he also knew they wouldn’t be asleep for a while, and would spend that time in each other’s company.
Wylan didn’t realise he was alone with Jesper, until he was completely alone with Jesper. “Well, um… We should go to my room, everyone will expect us to share.”
Jesper just nodded, and let Wylan lead the way. They made it to his bedroom, and Wylan fished out a pair of pyjamas for both himself and Jesper, handing the latter’s over to him before holding his own to his chest. “I’m going to go into the bathroom and get changed.”
Wylan went into his adjoined bathroom, locking the door and slowly getting undressed, trying to prolong his time before going back to Jesper as much as possible. It was a rare feeling, normally he wanted to be as close to the man as possible, to crawl inside his skin and never leave, but he didn’t know how to act around him, how to be normal and not show the devastation he felt every time he looked in his eyes.
He got changed, brushed his teeth, and then left the bathroom, seeing Jesper still in his suit, sitting on the edge of his bed and just staring at his hands. He looked up when Wylan entered the room, and they stared into each other’s eyes, before Jesper broke it by turning away to grab his pyjamas. “I’ll go in now.”
Wylan nodded, not moving until he heard the lock from the bathroom door. He put his clothes into the hamper in the corner of his room, before turning the lights off and climbing into bed, facing the wall and away from the bathroom. He knew he should’ve fished out a blanket and pillow for Jesper to sleep on the floor, but he was way too tired and way too drunk to do so. He just hoped Jesper would be able to find them in the dark.
A few moments later, Wylan heard the bathroom door open and close. There were a few minutes of listening to Jesper shuffling about, then there was a pause, and then Wylan felt the bed dip. Wylan didn’t move, but he also didn’t protest as Jesper climbed into bed with him. He felt Jesper’s body press against him lightly, his front against Wylan’s back, and then an arm snuck around his waist, the hand resting lightly on his stomach.
Wylan didn’t move, didn’t breathe and didn’t speak, and neither did Jesper. for the next five or so minutes, they just laid there together, and Wylan nearly found himself drifting off, but his eyes shot open when he felt Jesper’s hand begin to move, just brushing up and down his stomach.
Wylan didn’t touch him back, didn’t do anything, just hoping Jesper was asleep and moving in a dream, but that quickly went out of the window when he felt a pair of lips connect with the space between his neck and his shoulder.
Wylan sucked in a breath, lying there as Jesper peppered kisses all over his neck, leaving pecks as first, but then staying for longer and longer, and soon he was sucking and biting, fully making out with Wylan’s neck.
Wylan felt on fire, he felt sick and euphoric all at the same time. Jesper began to suck harder, clearly trying to leave a hickey, and the hand on Wylan’s stomach began to move lower, now caressing Wylan’s thighs.
Wylan had to bite his bottom lip to stop himself from moaning into the quiet room. He didn’t want to move an inch, didn’t want to make any noise in case it broke Jesper out of his trance, and he remembered where he was and what he was doing. He knew it was wrong, he knew they shouldn’t be doing this, but he didn’t want to stop.
Wylan felt Jesper move his hand to his waist, and Wylan allowed himself to be manoeuvred so he was lying on his back. Wylan looked up, seeing Jesper hovering over him, staring right at his eyes, right into his soul. His eyes were barely open as he looked down, but Wylan could see the desperation in them, the wanting and the desire.
“Jesper.” Wylan whispered, unable to keep silent any longer. It was like his voice broke Jesper out of his small daze, but instead of pulling away, he leaned in, connecting his lips with Wylan’s neck once again. Wylan’s hand instantly went to Jesper’s hair, threading his fingers in before even realised he had done so. It only spurred Jesper on, though, who let out a deep breath and sucked on Wylan’s neck harder, and Wylan knew there would be a nasty bruise there in the morning.
Wylan closed his eyes and let Jesper continue, and he could feel the boys hand caressing the side of his thigh, nearly tickling Wylan. Wylan wanted to let go completely, he wanted to give in and guide Jesper’s hand where he wanted it, but the back of his brain couldn’t forget earlier in the night, couldn’t forget that he wasn’t the only person Jesper had tried to please that night. “Jesper… Jesper.”
Jesper hummed against his neck, and it took all of Wylan’s power to focus on what he wanted to say, and not give into the feeling of Jesper’s lips. “Jesper… Why did you kiss that girl earlier? At prom?”
Jesper stopped moving, then pulled back to look in Wylan’s eyes, and Wylan silently prayed he hadn’t ruined the moment by speaking. Jesper’s breathing was ragged, like he was the one being attacked at the neck, and when he spoke, his voice was both soft and deep. “To forget about you.”
Wylan sucked in a sharp breath. It felt like his heart had both stopped beating, and was beating too hard. They stared at each other for a moment, Wylan unsure what to say, unsure where they lied between the line of friendship and more, but Jesper then moved, going back to Wylan’s neck, kissing and sucking and biting with more vigour and energy than before.
Wylan let himself get lost in the feeling again, but he was brought back down when he felt Jesper’s hand toying with his trousers, beginning to move under them. Wylan was hard, he had been for a while, and he knew Jesper was too, evident from the bulge pressing against his leg. “Jesper, we’re drunk.”
Jesper’s hands and lips froze, and he didn’t move a muscle as he spoke. “You don’t want to?”
“… We’re drunk. We can’t.”
Not that they shouldn’t. Not that he didn’t want to. But that he knew they couldn’t. That he knew if they did, it would ruin everything. That they would wake up in the morning and never be able to go back to what they were. That Wylan’s heart would be broken for the final time, and he wouldn’t be able to come back from it. That he would lose the one person who meant everything to him, the one person he couldn’t breathe without.
Jesper let out a small breath, but gave Wylan’s neck a small peck before retreating, moving to lie down next to Wylan, a breath of space between their bodies.
“I’m sorry.” Wylan whispered into the darkness, feeling the tears begin to pool in his eyes. It was stupid, he was stupid. Here Jesper was, wanting to get with him, and Wylan had refused it? But he knew, deep down, if he ever got with Jesper, this isn’t how he wanted it to go. He wanted them to both remember it in the morning, and not be filled with shame and regret.
Not that Wylan would ever regret it, no, not a chance, but he knew the same couldn’t be said for Jesper.
“Oh, Wy.” Wylan felt a pair of arms wrap around him and pull him sideways. Wylan let himself be moved until he was lying on top of Jesper, his head resting on his chest. Jesper kissed the top of his head, and Wylan could feel the smile on his lips. “Go to sleep, gorgeous.”
Wylan took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and found sleep took him quickly.
When he woke up in the morning to the sun shining through his window and into his eyes, he could still feel Jesper underneath him.
It took him a moment to remember the events of the night before, but when he did, his cheeks turned a deep red and he shot up.
“Woah.” Jesper said, rubbing his eyes and sitting up himself. “What’s wrong?”
“Sorry, sorry.” Wylan said, wiping a hand down his face and taking in deep breaths to try and control his panic. “It’s just… We… Last night-”
Wylan stopped when he felt a pair of arms wrapping around him from behind, making their bodies flush against each other, and Jesper rested his chin on Wylan’s shoulders. “It’s okay. We were drunk, and we didn’t actually do anything. We don’t need to speak about it.”
But Wylan did want to speak about it. he wanted to ask what last night meant, if it meant for Jesper what it did for Wylan. He wanted to ask how they could go on after Wylan knew what it was like to feel Jesper’s lips on his neck and his hand on his thighs. He wanted to ask Jesper why he never kissed him properly.
“Jesper, I… I don’t want this to be awkward.”
“Then let’s not make it awkward.” Jesper whispered. “Friends do stuff when they’re drunk all of the time. That combined with us being in the same bed and having faked a relationship for a year and a half, it’s not surprising. It doesn’t mean anything.”
Wylan closed his eyes, desperate to stop the tears from falling. He wanted it to mean something. He wanted it to matter and for it to change their situation. But it was for the best. Jesper obviously regretted it. better to have an awkward friendship than nothing at all.
“Yeah, yeah… Okay.” Wylan said, leaning back into Jesper’s hold. “We’ll need to go downstairs and have breakfast, everyone will be wondering where we are.”
Jesper hummed, then kissed Wylan’s shoulder and let go of him, moving off the bed and going into the wardrobe to find a hoodie he had left in Wylan’s room months ago. Wylan stood up too, taking his own hoodie that Jesper offered him, before they both left the room and made their way downstairs.
“Morning, sleepyheads!” Nina said from the kitchen, where she and Matthias were preparing breakfast, and Kaz and Inej were sitting at the kitchen island, speaking softly to each other. Jesper took a seat next to Inej, while Wylan made his way to the coffee machine.
“Woah, someone had a good night.” Wylan turned to Nina with a frown, staring at her grinning face, before his eyes went wide and his hand shot to his neck.
“Oh fuck.” Wylan whispered to himself, rushing out of the room and to the nearest bathroom. Closing the door behind him, he looked at himself in the mirror and sucked in a breath. The entire left side of his neck was covered in huge, deep purple bruises, not mistakable at all.
“Wy.” A voice came through the door after a soft knock, and then the door opened, Jesper peaking his head inside.
“Why didn’t you tell me my neck looked like this?” Wylan practically shrieked, whipping his head round to look at Jesper, who shyly stepped into the room and closed the door behind him.
“I didn’t even realise. Your room was dark and I wasn’t looking at your neck.” Jesper said. He took a step forward, placing his fingers under Wylan’s chin and tilting his head sideways so he could get a better look. “Shit, I done a good job last night.”
“Yeah, no kidding. There’s no way I’ll be able to hide this.”
Jesper winced. “I’m sorry, Wy. I wasn’t thinking when I was doing it.”
Wylan sighed, turning to look back at himself in the mirror. “It’s fine… It’s not like I stopped you from doing it. I’ll see if Nina has a stronger concealer to hide this.”
Jesper moved so he was standing behind Wylan, leaning forward to rest his hands on the countertop, enveloping Wylan. “I really am sorry. I fucked up last night, didn’t I?”
“It’s fine.” Wylan repeated, beginning to lose focus on his hickey and concentrating more on the flexing muscles in Jesper’s arms. “Like I said, I didn’t try to stop you. I’ll just need to deal with it.”
“Okay, okay.” Jesper said, smiling at him in the mirror. “Nina is going to give us hell for this, you know.”
“Oh, I know.”
Later that night, after Nina had dried all of her tears from laughing and given Wylan a lend of her concealer which was a lot stronger than Wylan’s (even though Wylan’s was bought specifically to cover bruises), and everyone made it to their own homes, Wylan was sitting in his room, trying to pick a movie to watch, when his phone pinged.
Jesper: I really am sorry about the hickey, I had no idea I went that hard
Jesper: I just want to say though, even though I don’t remember much of the night, I really enjoyed it
Jesper: I really enjoyed being with you
Jesper: but I don’t want anything to change and ruin what we have
Jesper: do you get me?
Jesper: am I rambling?
Wylan: I do get you
Wylan: you are rambling
Wylan: I don’t want anything to change between us either
Jesper: so, still fake boyfriends?
Wylan: still fake boyfriends :)
Summer began, and plans were constant, all of them knowing it was their last summer together before they all parted ways. Wylan didn’t want it to end, he didn’t want the possibility of them drifting apart and no longer being friends, but he was also so excited to leave his father’s house, to be his own person and follow his own rules.
One evening, they had decided to go bowling (Matthias’ idea, since it was his birthday, which they had all only agreed to when Nina gave them a very stern look). Wylan was sitting in the little couches after just taking his turn, watching at Nina and Kaz argue over the rules of adults using the ramp helper, when Jesper sat down next to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and pulling him close. “This is awful.”
“I know, but Matthias is having fun, so that counts for something.” Wylan replied, looking over at the blonde man, who, despite his girlfriend arguing with the devil reincarnated, was grinning from ear to ear. “This is terrible, though. I wish he just chose to go to a park and get drunk like everyone else.”
Jesper snorted, and Wylan wriggled until he was comfortable in Jesper’s arms, resting his head and smiling softly. “Hey, Wy, don’t you think we should talk about university?”
“What about it?”
“Well, we’re planning to go to different universities across the country. Do you not think we should speak about what that means for us, for our relationship?”
Wylan froze, turned his head and looked up at Jesper. “For our fake relationship?”
“Wy-… Yes, for our fake relationship.”
Wylan frowned at him, tilting his head slightly. “Well, I just assumed that you’d want to end it.”
“What? Why?”
“Um… Because there’s no reason for us to continue this, especially when we’ll be across the country and not with any of our friends here.” Wylan explained like it was simple. “You’ll be meeting loads of new people, Jesper, you’re bound to find someone you want to be involved with. How are you going to explain that you have this fake boyfriend that lives across the country that you’re fake dating for no real reason other than you thought it was funny?”
“That’s not the onl-… Wylan, I… I don’t want to break up.”
Wylan pulled back slightly so he could look Jesper in the eyes, seeing him staring right back at him, with a rare, vulnerable look on his face. “Why? I don’t understand what benefit you would get, especially when we’re not going to see each other for months.”
Jesper just looked at him, raising one eyebrow, but when Wylan stayed silent, he sighed and looked away. “You really don’t know?”
“I really don’t.” Wylan responded. “Explain to me.”
“We… I… Us…” Jesper sighed and shook his head, as if he was going to say one thing, but then changed his mind. “I don’t know, Wylan. I’m comfortable with our arrangement, I feel like I don’t remember not being your boyfriend. I don’t want to change that.”
Wylan stared at him, waiting for the ball to drop, waiting for Jesper to laugh and tell him that he was kidding, waiting for the camera to pop out of the corner and tell him it was all a prank. But none of that happened, and Wylan just sighed. “Okay, Jesper. But if you go to university and you find someone you’re interested in, we end this, I don’t want to hold you back from finding the person you love.”
“Sure.” Jesper said softly. “But I doubt that’ll happen.”
Wylan blinked, frowned, then laughed lightly. “You’re so strange, Jesper.”
“Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?” Jesper said with an overexaggerated gasp, but a smile was beginning to play on his lips.
“It means that you could have the pick of anyone you want, in a completely new city across the country, and you still want to stick with me.”
Jesper dropped his smile, but he pulled Wylan closer and moved his head down so his lips were a breath away from Wylan’s ear. “I’ve told you before, Wylan, you’re perfect. No one compares to you.”
Wylan felt the shudder roll through his entire body.
“Hey, lovebirds! Stop making out and come take your shot!”
Summer ended too fast for Wylan’s liking, and it felt like it was only the blink of an eye before he found himself packing his bags, preparing to move across the country and never come back to his father’s house.
It was only a week before he had to leave, the last one of his friend group to go. Unfortunately, Jesper was the first to leave.
Wylan: are you all ready to go today?
Jesper: no not really, but I don’t have a choice
Wylan: Jesper :(
Jesper: don’t give me a sad face I am barely keeping it together
Jesper: and my dad hasn’t even given me his going away speech
Jesper: even Kaz is being nice to me today
Jesper: Wy I can’t do this I’m going to be a mess
Wylan: :(((
Wylan: but think how happy you’ll be at university!
Wylan: you’ll meet so many cool people and be studying so many cool subjects and going to so many cool parties that you’ll forget about everything here!
Jesper: I won’t forget about here
Jesper: I never could
Wylan: never say never
Wylan: remember little old me when you’re famous!
Jesper: LOL
Jesper: I’m going to stop at yours before I leave
Jesper: I want to see you
Jesper: I’ll be there around 10?
Wylan: I’ll be waiting
When the clock struck quarter to ten, Wylan went to the window at just stared out, waiting for the black car to park in front of his house.
He wanted to see Jesper, but he also didn’t want to say goodbye. He wanted Jesper to be free and find himself and become the best person he could be, but he also didn’t want Jesper to leave him behind.
When he saw a car pull up, he didn’t even wait for it to park before he rushed downstairs and out the front door.
“Hey, Wy!”
Wylan didn’t respond, he just rushed over to Jesper and wrapped his arm around him tight. Jesper let out a breath, but laughed and hugged him back.
Wylan buried his face in Jesper’s chest, trying to memorise every curve of Jesper’s body, every point where Jesper connected with Wylan. “I don’t want this chapter to end.”
Wylan felt Jesper’s grip on him go tighter, and Wylan found it very hard to control himself. “Neither do I, Wylan. I wish we could stay here forever and never become adults.”
Wylan laughed, but then pulled back so he could look into Jesper’s eyes. “We’re still going to be friends, right? We’ll text and phone all of the time, and visit each other whenever we can, and still be best friends.”
“Of course, Wy.” Jesper cupped Wylan’s cheek with one hand, smiling down at him, and Wylan had to stop himself from doing something stupid. “They’d have to pry you from my cold, dead hands. You’re not getting rid of me.”
Wylan wanted to throw up. He wanted to hold onto Jesper and never let go. He wanted to push him away until he could breathe normally. He wanted to open Jesper up and crawl into his chest and fuse themselves together. He didn’t know what he wanted, but he wanted Jesper, that much, he knew.
“I don’t want to go.” Jesper whispered, wrapping an arm around Wylan’s back and pulling him close. “I don’t want to leave, Wy.”
“You’re going to do so good at university, Jesper.” Wylan said softly. “You’re going to have the best time. You just need to take the leap and go.”
“Wylan.” Jesper said, his voice more of a breath. He leaned down until their foreheads were inches apart, and Wylan felt like he couldn’t breathe. “Ask me to stay. Ask me to stay and I will.”
“Jesper.” Wylan let out a shudder, his hands reaching up to hold onto Jesper’s forearm.
“Please. Ask me to stay. Tell me to stay. Tell me to go with you. Anything. Don’t let me leave.”
“Oh, Jesper.” Wylan moved one of his hands to Jesper’s chest, pushing the taller man away from his slightly. He looked into Jesper’s eyes, seeing a line of tears threatening to fall, and Wylan could physically feel his heart breaking. “Jes, you need to leave. You can’t stay here, I can’t ask you to stay.”
“Please.” Jesper’s voice cracked, and Wylan nearly shattered himself.
“I can’t, Jesper.” Wylan pushed him a little more, creating distance between them. “You’re going to go to university. You’re going to meet new people and learn new things. You’re going to have an amazing time. And you’re not going to regret it.”
Jesper sniffled, wiping his eyes roughly and then coughing to disguise it. he then looked down at Wylan and smiled, but Wylan could see through it, could see the pain in it. “I’m going to miss you. I’m going to miss you so much.”
“I’m going to miss you too, Jes. But I’m only one phone call or one train journey away.” Wylan said to him, giving him a soft smile and trying his hardest to keep himself together. “This isn’t the end, Jesper.”
Jesper closed his eyes, took in a deep breath, and then opened them and outstretched his arms. “Okay, I’m okay. One last hug and then I’ll go.”
Wylan laughed and walked into Jesper’s arms, letting himself be crushed by the hug.
He didn’t want to let go, he wanted to stay in that hug forever. He wanted to ask Jesper to stay, he wanted to beg him not to leave. But he couldn’t, because he knew Jesper would stay, and he couldn’t be the one to hold him back. “Okay, you really need to go now, or you’ll never make it in a reasonable time.”
Jesper sighed, but pulled back, looking at Wylan as if he was committing his face to memory. “I’ll phone you as soon as I’m there.”
“I’d expect nothing less.” Wylan said. “I want a full dorm tour.”
“Of course.” Jesper said, then leaned down and kissed Wylan on the cheek. “I really do love you, Wylan.”
“I love you too, Jesper.”
“You’re making this harder and harder to leave.”
Wylan laughed, then shoved Jesper lightly. “Go.”
Jesper smiled, then turned around and walked to his car. He unlocked it and opened the door, but then turned around to have one last glance at Wylan, smiling at him before he got in the car, shut the door, and drove away.
Wylan walked onto the middle road, watching until Jesper’s car was no longer in sight, and Wylan felt his heart break over and over again.
A week later, when Wylan left his father’s home and found himself sitting on the floor of his empty dorm, the first thing he done was call Jesper.
“Hey, Wy! How’s the dorm?”
Wylan didn’t speak for a moment, feeling like there was a frog in his throat, but he managed to swallow and let out some words. “Jesper.”
“Wylan. Are you crying? What’s wrong?”
“This was a mistake.” Wylan said, feeling the tears begin to fall as he brought his knees up to his chest.
“Oh, Wy. It wasn’t a mistake, it’s just a change and its scary, but it’s a good change.”
“I don’t know anyone here. I don’t know the city. I don’t know my way around. I don’t know what to do.”
“You’re just panicking, Wy. Take some deep breaths. Listen to me and follow it.”
The next five minutes was spent with Wylan listening to Jesper’s breathing and following them, until he felt like he could control it himself and think properly. “Thank you.”
“Anytime, Wylan. You know I’m always here for you.” Jesper said over the phone. “How you feeling now?”
“Still scared, still nauseous, but a bit better.” Wylan leaned back until his back was against the bed, moving his head so he was staring up at the ceiling. “It’s just a lot at once. I know I needed to get away from my father, and I know it’ll be so much better here, but I don’t know the routine, I don’t know who I am here, and I hate it.”
“Then you just need to learn who you are without him.” Wylan closed his eyes, letting Jesper’s voice soothe him. “You’ve been in that hellhole of a house your whole life, pretending to be someone else to please him. It’s time you find out who you really are, and it might be terrifying, but it’ll be worth it.”
Wylan hummed to himself, then smiled. “Have I ever told you how amazing you are?”
“Once or twice, but it’s always nice to hear it again.” Wylan just laughed in response.
It took a couple of weeks, but Wylan learned how to live life without his father, without his hometown, without his friends, without Jesper. He hated the latter. Knowing he couldn’t jump in a taxi to Jesper’s farm when he needed comfort, it was like a hole in his chest.
He enjoyed his lectures. He enjoyed his dormmates. He enjoyed his freedom. He really loved being at university, but it would never be complete without one person. He wasn’t idiotic to drop it all and run to Jesper, as much as he wanted to, but he was counting down the days until they both graduated and they could move in together-
No. they could move in near each other.
It wasn’t like they never spoke. They texted every opportunity, it was like the conversation never ended, just went on pauses when they were busy. And they facetimed almost every night, whether it was to talk about their day with each other, or just to have company while they go about their separate lives.
It was nice to see Jesper enjoying his life at university, making friends and living his life. Sure, it hurt Wylan that he wasn’t the main person in Jesper’s life anymore, but he could deal with it.
When Wylan was in his dorm studying one night, he looked over at his phone and smiled when he saw Jesper’s face light it up. He answered the facetime immediately, but frowned when Jesper wasn’t on his screen.
“Hey, it’s Wylan!” A girl over the screen shouted. The call was loud, some strong bass thumping in the background, and Wylan could see lots of bodies close together and coloured lights flickering and moving around the room. “Wylan! How are you?”
“Um, I’m good, thanks. Who are you?”
“I’m Amelka. You’re so cute! Jesper picked right!”
Wylan blinked, feeling very uncomfortable. “Thank you? Where is Jesper?”
“He’s on the dance floor. Look! Look!”
Amelka turned the camera around, and Wylan looked at the many people before he found Jesper. He had bodies all around him, but it was like the light shined directly onto him, making him the focus of the room. Wylan could see people trying to dance with him, moving up closer to him, but Jesper paid no mind to them, only focused on his own world.
“Jesper! Jesper!”
Jesper broke out of his trance, looking over at Amelka and grinning before making his way over to her. “Hello, lovely, I was wondering where you were. Is that my phone?”
“Yeah, say hi to Wylan!”
“What?... Oh, Wylan, my love.”
Jesper had taken the phone now, and the screen was filled with his bright and grinning face. “Hi, Jesper. Having fun?”
“So much! I’m so drunk… I miss you, Wy.”
Wylan smiled, putting his chin in his hand. “I miss you too, Jesper. It’s only a couple of weeks until we’re back home visiting for Christmas.”
“I know, I can’t wait!” Jesper’s smile had somehow managed to grow bigger. “You’re still staying at the farm, yeah?”
“Of course. I’m not going back to my father’s.”
“Good!” There was a pause, where Jesper looked around before moving his face closer to the camera. “I can’t wait to share a bed with you again.”
Wylan swallowed loudly, looking away to hide the blush from Jesper. “Jesper, you can’t say things like that.”
“Why not? You are my boyfriend.”
“Jesper, I…” Wylan frowned to himself, trying to figure out the conversation, trying to figure out Jesper. “What are you doing?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Just… Never mind. I’ll let you go. Bye, Jes.”
“Okay. Bye, Wy. I miss you.”
Wylan smiled and pressed the red button on the call.
Soon, exams came, and Wylan sunk right into them. He knew he would do okay in them. His love of his degree, plus his lack of a social life due to declining all social events (they all seemed to be focused around going clubbing and drinking, which Wylan’s wasn’t particularly fond of with strangers), he knew he would be more than prepared for any questions that came up in his exams.
But the fear of failing was eating at him. The fear of being kicked out and having to go live with his father, well, it was enough to have him studying until ridiculous hours each night.
Jesper: Wy it’s three in the morning, why are you active on Instagram?
Wylan looked away from his notes on his laptop and down at his phone, struggling to properly hear the voice to text and make it compute in his brain.
Wylan: studying, got my first exam soon, was trying to find educational videos
Jesper: but it’s 3AM, you’ve been studying for hours each day since the induction
Jesper: you’re fine Wylan, you’re smart, you could not study a lick from now until the exam and still ace it
Wylan: I just don’t want to mess up
Jesper: you’re not going to mess it up, you know that
Jesper: talk to me?
Wylan paused, speaking, deleting, speaking, and deleting again, before talking again and trying to get it all out in one breath before he lost his nerve.
Wylan: I’m just scared that I’m going to fail and disappoint everyone, I don’t want to mess up and be the only one in our friend group without a degree, I don’t want to be one of those people who excels in high school and flunks university, I don’t want to be forced to move back in with my father, I don’t want his words of me being a failure and disappointment to be correct, I don’t want my disability to define me and ruin my life, I want to make something of myself while I still have the chance
…
Wylan: I’m sorry that was too much, pretend I never sent that text
Jesper: I’m going to phone you
Wylan hesitated for a few seconds before answering the call. “Hey, Jes.”
“Wylan, you know none of what you said is true. None of what you said is going to happen.”
Wylan sighed lightly. “I know, I guess. I’m just scared that if I don’t work hard enough, I won’t achieve what I need to.”
“I get you, but I need you to know that you’re so smart. You’ll do amazing in your exams, you’ll do amazing in your degree, you’ll do amazing in life. You’re going to get everything you want.”
“Maybe not everything.” He whispered, but Jesper caught it.
“What wouldn’t you get?”
“Oh, nothing, nothing! Forget it.”
“Is there something you want but you don’t think you can have?”
“No! No! Forget it, seriously.”
“You’re a strange one, Wylan.” Jesper said, but Wylan could hear the smile in his voice, even over the phone. “Are you feeling any better?”
“Yeah, talking to you always helps.”
“I’m glad. Now, to go sleep.”
“Okay, okay.” Wylan sighed and began to organise his desk so it wasn’t so much of a mess, but suddenly paused and frowned to himself. “Wait, what are you doing up?”
“Um… Will you judge me if I tell you I was watching a deep dive about the tinker bell cinematic universe.”
“Jesper, what the fuck… Tell me about it.”
Finally, Wylan sat his last exam, and when he walked out of the exam hall and into the frost, he had never felt so relaxed.
When he got back to his dorm, his winter holiday bag was already packed, full of clothes (though, Jesper’s bedroom still had plenty of his own), his toiletries (though the Fahey household already had a designated shelf in the bathroom for him), and his presents (one for each of his friends, Colm, and his stepsister, which he was hoping to just drop off at the front door of his father’s house without anyone seeing him).
As soon as he grabbed his bag, he rushed out of the dorm building and made his way to the closest taxi rank to take him to the train station.
He managed to make his long-haul train just on time, and he sat back as it made its way towards his favourite place on earth.
Wylan: on the train to home
Wylan: the farm, sorry autocorrect
Jesper: I don’t think you can do autocorrect when you’re speaking? Farm sounds nothing like home
Jesper: you can call it home if you like :)
Jesper: da would be over the moon, and you’re there all of the time anyway
Wylan: LOL okay
Jesper: I can’t believe you’re getting to the farm a whole day before me
Wylan: I’m just Colm’s favourite child
Jesper: I know you’re trying to joke, but the sad fact is that statement is 100% true
Jesper: but I’ll be there in the afternoon tomorrow, as soon as I can
Wylan: I’ll be waiting for you <3
Jesper: you’re making this very hard to not jump on the next train and go down there now
Wylan: good luck on your last exam Jesper, I’ll see you tomorrow
Wylan smiled the whole train journey home.
When he stepped off the train, hauling his suitcase behind him, he was surprised to hear his name being called out. “Wylan, my boy!”
Wylan turned to the direction of the voice, eyebrows rising when he saw Colm standing there. Wylan made his way over to him, and laughed in surprise when he was pulled into a barrel hug. “Wylan, look how mature you look, university has done a good number on you.”
“Thank you, Colm.” Wylan said with a small laugh, patting him on the back. “You really didn’t need to come pick me up.”
“Nonsense, you’re one of my kids, you’re family. I wasn’t having you take a taxi all the way to the farm.” Colm pulled back, and Wylan could see the huge grin on his face, identical to Jesper’s. “Now, give me your bag and we’ll get going.”
Wylan got into the front passenger seat of the car, and soon Colm joined him and they were off on the road. “So, tell me, how is university? Is it everything you thought it’d be?”
Wylan looked out of the window, from the numerous city buildings that slowly turned into farm after farm the further they got from the main town. “I’ve really enjoyed it. I like my studies being focused on what I want to learn, and I like the freedom and independence.”
“That’s good, I’m glad, though I sense there is a ‘but’.”
Wylan sighed, pausing for a moment before answering. “I miss being here. Not at my fathers, of course, but I miss my friends here, and the farm… and Jesper.”
Wylan looked over at Colm, seeing a small, sweet smile on his face. Colm turned to meet his eye before reaching over and patting Wylan on the shoulder. “He’s missed you too, bud, we all have.”
They made it to the farm just after the sun began to set, and Wylan, after a small argument, let Colm take his bag inside and up to the spare room (or known as Kaz’s bedroom, which he had allowed Wylan to use when he wasn’t there). He knew that Kaz coming back to the farm for the holidays in the next few days, but he’d figure out where to sleep then.
Dinner with Colm was quiet, but comfortable. Sure, it was strange not having Jesper there to fill every silence with his nonsensical rambling, but Colm was easy to talk to, and, despite Wylan knowing he had no idea what he was talking about, he seemed genuinely interested in hearing everything Wylan had learnt at university so far.
When Wylan climbed into bed that night, he fell asleep to the thought of seeing Jesper in person tomorrow.
There was shouting all around him. He was in a library, with books thrown around all over the room, like a tornado had hit it.
“Why can’t you just learn?” Wylan heard the booming voice reverberating throughout the room, and though he couldn’t see the source of the voice, he knew who it was. “Just read, it’s not hard!”
He felt sick. He felt like his ears were full of cotton and his chest was too small for his lungs and his throat was burning and his hands were sweaty and he couldn’t-
“How did I have you as a pathetic excuse for a son?”
Wylan tried to spin around, tried to find his father, but he was moving in slow motion, and the room was so fuzzy.
“How could anyone love you?”
Suddenly, it wasn’t his father’s voice speaking anymore, but the accent leaned more into a Zemeni twang, with the smallest hint of Kaelish in the mix.
“And you thought I’d actually want you?”
Wylan turned, and he could see Jesper standing there, arms crossed against his chest and his face a look of pure disgust that Wylan had never seen on him before. “So repulsive, so hideous, so worthless.”
Wylan couldn’t breathe. Why was Jesper saying those things to him? Is this how he truly felt? Was it all a joke? The friendship? The relationship? The near kisses? The heartwarming words? Did it all mean nothing?
“You really should just go kill yours-”
Wylan woke with a start, hand going straight to his heart and his chest moving up and down rapidly. What had that dream been, and what had it meant?
Wylan tried to focus on his breathing, slowly in his nose and slowly out his mouth, but he couldn’t control it. The nightmares about his father were nothing new, he had learned to deal with and practically ignore them a long time ago, but he had never dreamt of Jesper taking place of his father. He didn’t want to think about why his brain had done that, if it meant anything for Jesper’s coming home tomorrow.
When Wylan knew he wasn’t getting to sleep anytime soon, he done the only thing he could think of to consol himself. He got out of the guest bed, crept through the small hallway, and opened the door to Jesper’s bedroom.
Not much had changed, it seemed. Wylan didn’t even think Colm had been in to do any tidying, most likely wanting to respect Jesper’s space. Wylan made his way to Jesper’s bed, burrowing himself under the covers and inhaling deep to make himself drunk on Jesper’s scent, which was still strong despite him having not slept there for months.
Even though he wasn’t tired anymore, even though his heart was still racing and his mind was anything but calm, Wylan managed to fall asleep.
When he woke up, it wasn’t to the sound of his alarm from his phone, which he had left in the guest room, but to the sun shining on his face and the birds chirp ringing in his ears. He sat up and stretched, expecting to be greeted by the sight of his small dorm room, but smiled when he opened his eyes and remembered where he was.
And he smiled even harder when he remembered who was coming home that day.
When Wylan went downstairs for breakfast, he found Colm already in the kitchen. “Sit down at the table, son, it’s almost ready.”
Wylan complied. “You didn’t need to make breakfast, I know you’ll be busy with the farm.”
“Nonsense.” Colm said, walking over with Wylan’s plate and a glass of juice. Even though Colm drunk an excessive amount of coffee, he refused to give any to the kids. “I’ve missed making you all meals, makes me feel useful.”
Wylan smiled, muttering a small thank you before tucking in. Colm sat opposite with his own plate, and didn’t even begin to eat before he spoke. “So, enjoyed sleeping in Jesper’s bed last night?”
Wylan nearly spit his eggs all over Colm, but managed to just save himself, giving a hard cough instead. Colm just shook his head and laughed, and Wylan felt his cheeks go red. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to… I couldn’t sleep.”
“It’s alright, son.” Colm said with a small smile, still chuckling. “Jesper will be glad to see you.”
Wylan wanted the conversation to end immediately.
He spent the rest of the morning and most of the afternoon trying to distract himself, listening to audiobooks, or watching television, or doing cleaning. Anything to avoid just sitting there until Jesper came home.
Jesper: trains about an hour away from the station
Wylan: is it strange how excited I am to see you? It’s only been a few months
Jesper: I’d be upset if you weren’t excited to see me
Jesper: not long until you’re in my arms <3
Wylan did not swoon at that message.
When Colm came into the living room to announce that he was leaving to go pick up Jesper, Wylan felt like his heart was sitting right in his throat, refusing to budge.
As the minutes ticked by, excitement turned into fear. What if Jesper was different? What if Jesper thought Wylan was different? What if Jesper met better people and decided he didn’t care about Wylan anymore? What if everything changed and Wylan couldn’t fix it?
Wylan couldn’t stand sitting in the house anymore, and so decided to go outside for a walk on the edge of the woods, visible, but far away enough to be alone.
He heard the birds singing to each other, the leaves crunching under his feet, the rabbits and squirrels scuttling away, the farmers grunting and heaving, the cows and sheep talking.
He didn’t hear the car pulling onto the gravel driveway, but he did hear someone calling his name.
“Wylan!”
He turned around, unable to hide the smile blooming on his face. Jesper was jogging over to him, his smile bigger and brighter than Wylan had ever seen, so large that Wylan was sure it must be hurting him. How had Wylan thought Jesper could hate him? How had Wylan thought anything could be any different?
“Jesper! I’ve missed you so mu-” Wylan stopped mid-sentence when Jesper caught up to him, and his breath caught in his throat when Jesper placed both of his warm hands on Wylan’s pale face, pausing to catch his breath, before giving Wylan a small smile, looking him right in the eyes, and then leaning down to connect their lips.
And it was fireworks.
Wylan didn’t know what to do, his brain felt like it had frozen in the moment, but just as Jesper paused and went to pull away, Wylan managed to grow some common sense, and gripped onto Jesper’s jumper, locking him in place.
Wylan kissed him like his life depended on it, like Jesper was his oxygen and he had been deprived for so long. He put all of his years of wanting Jesper, of needing Jesper, of loving Jesper, into the kiss, hoping he would understand, hoping he would reciprocate.
When they eventually broke apart, only so they could take a breath, their faces inches apart, Wylan opened his eyes and saw Jesper smiling, with a single tear falling down his face. “Oh, Jesper.”
“You have no idea how long I have wanted to do that.” Jesper whispered, his breath tickling Wylan’s face. Wylan reached up and wiped the tear away. “No idea.”
Wylan laughed, placing both of his hands onto Jesper’s chest. “Well, why don’t you try and show me.”
Jesper gave him one of his signature cocky grins, before diving back in, like he wanted to devour Wylan. Wylan took it all and gave some back, just as hungry as the taller man was. When Wylan opened his mouth slightly, Jesper seemed to take it as his opportunity to take more, to feel more, to show more.
The air was so cold, but Wylan was so warm, his skin flushed and his whole-body vibrating. He had never felt this good, he had never felt this peaceful.
This time, when they pulled apart from each other, they managed to pull their faces fully back, and Wylan was able to fully take in the man in front of him. He looked even better than Wylan remembered. He had filled out his muscles more, and he stood taller, his confidence seeming to have grown even more, but it seemed true and comfortable, rather than the façade he often wore in high school.
“I had been thinking about doing that the entire journey home.” Jesper said, chuckling slightly and tucking a curl behind Wylan’s ear.
“Really?”
“Yes.” Jesper said softly. “In fact, I’ve been thinking about doing that for a lot longer than that.”
Wylan’s voice was barely a whisper when he spoke. “How long?”
“Years.” Jesper replied, kissing his forehead. “Ever since I met you.”
Wylan sucked in a breath, his eyes going wide and his heart near beating out of his chest. “Jesper… So have I. I’ve wanted this for so long.”
Jesper laughed, moving his hands down to Wylan’s shoulders. “We’re so stupid, we could have been like this for years.”
“I thought you didn’t see me that way.” Wylan said truthfully, and Jesper’s laugh stopped. “You dated other people, you slept around, you looked at everyone but me. I thought for sure that my feelings were one sided and delusional.”
“Oh, Wylan.” Jesper said softly. “I’ve been such an idiot. I’m so sorry.”
Wylan went to speak, but Jesper just shook his head. “No, I really have been. I liked sleeping around, I liked feeling desired and wanted, because I knew, or I thought, that I’d never get that from you. But overtime, they stopped being fun, and all I could think about was how I wanted them to be you, or how I would rather be sitting studying with you or something equally as terrible than being in bed with them. I stopped sleeping around a long time ago, I haven’t even looked at anyone at university.”
“Jesper.”
“I don’t deserve you, Wylan, not as a friend and certainly not in any romantic sense. You’re so smart, and so funny, and so witty, and so many things that I can’t match up to be. There are so many people you would be better off with, and that’s the only thought that stopped me from doing anything drastic.
“But being away from you is awful. Knowing that you could look at any guy and go to him instead of me, I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t breathe thinking about you in another guy’s arms, it physically hurt me. No one else compares you to, Wylan.”
Wylan felt like he had been struck in the heart with an arrow. Hearing Jesper speak about himself like that, it was a punch in Wylan’s gut. “Don’t say those things, Jesper.”
Jesper frowned, but Wylan continued. “You’re none of those things you say you are, and you’re more than good enough for me, better than me, I think. Don’t put me on some high pedestal that is unattainable for you, because all I want is to stand next to you.”
More tears fell from Jesper’s eyes, and Wylan reached up again to brush them away. “The only reason I agreed to be your fake boyfriend is because it was the closest I could get to being something real to you.”
Jesper shook his head and laughed. “The only reason I wanted to continue it was because I thought it was the only way I would get to be more to you.”
Wylan joined his laugher. “We really are dumb.”
Their laughed slowed, and Jesper moved his hand’s back to Wylan’s cheeks. “Wylan, will you be my real boyfriend?”
It was the easiest question Wylan had ever answered.
“Of course I will.”
Jesper grinned, then surged forward to capture Wylan in another kiss.
Wylan had been Jesper’s pretend boyfriend for as long as he could remember.
But now, he was excited to find out what it was like to be his real boyfriend.