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There’s blood on his hands. It's slippery and viscous beneath his fingers. His gloves are gone, and the crimson liquid has seeped through the bandages wrapping his hands and arms. He feels like it's staining him irreparably - a forever reminder of his sin. It seeps through his fingers where they are pressed desperately over Regto’s wound. Cloth rumples as he grips tighter, the fabric bunching and twisting under his hands.
He knows Regto’s body has long gone stiff and cold. There's nothing he can do anymore to save him. Rudo keeps his hands pressed down anyways - maybe if he prays hard enough, desperately enough, his dad will come back. That he'll wake up laughing, and telling him ‘Don't cry Rudo! It's just a prank. Awww did you miss me?’
The form beneath him remains silent, oblivious to his grief. Overcome with emotion Rudo rips his gaze away. He refuses to accept it.
The sword that once pierced through Regto’s chest now lays off to the side. Another painful reminder that he won’t ever hear his dad’s voice again. The puddle of shame and regret spreads in his chest as he chokes on his breath. Why couldn’t he have been faster getting home? If only he had arrived sooner. Maybe then his dad wouldn’t be dead.
But really, what could he have done - he’s just a kid. Reluctant as he is to admit it, he knows it. Rudo sniffles. Slumping forward and burrowing closer, he tucks his head under Regto’s chin. He tries to remember what it felt like to be held by his dad. The warmth, the safety. He doesn’t even mind the stench of spilt life stinging his nose with iron. He just wants his dad.
Peaking up through his bangs he peers at familiar golden fringe and sharp eyebrows, tops of swirling tattoos and thick hoop earrings. It's Enjin. He huffs and drops his gaze again.
Wait.
Enjin?
No
Nonono
Not again. He can’t do this again. He’s still grieving one dad, he can’t lose another Anyone else so soon. Chest heaving for breath Rudo searches Enjin’s face for any sign of life, no matter how far-fetched it is. Blood is spilling from the wound again, flooding the room with red. He feels hands grasping his arms and shoulders and they start to pull him away from Enjin's body.
Rudo shouts desperately, kicking the ground with all his might. Despite his efforts he remains powerless, unable to break free; held back by unseen forces. Forced to Watch as the Apostles suddenly march in from behind him, and through the shack door. As they circle around the figure sprawled on the ground. As they carelessly loop arms under various limbs and start to drag Enjin's body away.
Rudo screams, sobbing. “NO! You can’t take him! Give him back! Dad! DAD!!”
He jolts awake gasping for breath, heart beating rapidly. He brings a hand up to grasp his shirt over his heart in a half hearted attempt to stop his pulse from speeding. The blankets draped loosely over his legs are damp with sweat. His gloves are on his hands, pressing down comfortably over the bandages. Sitting up slowly the dim room comes into view showing mounds of to-be-fixed nicknacks and plushies.
The horror and fear from his nightmare are fresh in Rudo’s mind - the bandages wrapping his hands feel wet. His gloves slide off one by one to confirm that it's just sweat, not blood, that has soaked his bandages as he slept.
Almost immediately his hands protest, a deep rooted ache flaring to life and reminding him of his reality - his dad is dead, and there’s no bringing him back.
The bandages are loose near the top showing twisted skin and angry scar tissue. As the adrenaline wears off a sharp stabbing sensation shoots through him, starting at his fingertips and sweeping upwards in waves like lightning. Curling forward in agony he gasps for air, embarrassment welling up inside as tears prick in the corners of his eyes. He slips his gloves back on, minimally dimming the pain.
Maybe he’ll get a glass of water. That should help. (He briefly entertains the thought of going to Enjin’s room before shaking away the thought - there’s no clock in his room, but it's obviously late, and he shouldn't bother him with something so trivial.)
(Never mind the fact that Enjin is up late normally anyways.)
Slipping off the bed, the chill of the concrete shocks him further awake. Rudo shivers once before shuffling forward to the door, gently nudging a wrench out of the way with his foot. He really should clean his room soon.
The door provides a challenge he didn’t anticipate: it's a knob style door, and his hands feel like they’ve just been plunged into a bucket of needles. Grunting quietly he fumbles with the knob. Eventually Rudo gives up and uses his forearms, one on either side of the knob, to turn it open and he stumbles out into the hallway.
Tattered cloth slips down further as his bandages loosen more. The past week or so has been incredibly busy. Between all the missions defending cities from trash beasts with Enjin, Riyo ambushing him for impromptu hangouts, and Zanka pushing him to the limit in training he just hasn’t had enough time to change them.
Silence fills the cracks in the walls of the hallway Rudo ambles down, pressing all around and emphasizing the steadily growing pain his arms bring him. He remembers the last time his bandages were changed - Enjin had finally seen his scars, and offered to help him change them.
Rudo’s washing his gloves again, the cold water seeping into the looping cloth that covers his greatest insecurity. Half of them have fallen down into the water but he kept scrubbing - he’ll change the bandages afterwards. The bathroom sink in his room probably wasn’t the best place to do this, but it's not like he could do this anywhere else - not without being seen.
He couldn’t imagine what he would do if Zanka looked at the twisted and gnarled flesh and spat curses, if Riyo changed her mind and turned away in disgust, if his dad Enjin saw his fucked up arms and told him he was too broken; that he wouldn’t be of any help to them, and that he didn’t want him there anymore.
“Knock knock brat! Better answer quick or I’m kicking your door down, and we both know that's coming out of your paycheck and not mine!” Enjin’s voice floats through the door. Speak of the devil, or something.
Rudo panicked. “Gimmie a sec! Don’t come in or I’ll kick you, turdface!” He drains the sink and tries to pull on his gloves regardless of the wet status. Anything to keep his worst fears from becoming reality.
“Too late! Way too slow there kid, you gotta - Woah!” His head shoots up just in time to see Enjin standing in the doorway fully decked out in cleaner gear. Looks like he just came back from a mission. Grimacing, Rudo halfheartedly hid the gloves and his arms from view. Hopefully Enjin would drop it (however unlikely that would be.)
He did not.
“Those scars look pretty bad. Do you need help re-bandaging them?”
Rudo glances up at Enjin's face. It was blank, a near perfect mask of nonchalance. He only looks that way when he’s really angry. Rudo cringes.
Enjin jolts, regret flashing through his eyes. The tension leaves, his expression relaxing into something softer and kinder.
“Listen. Rudo, I’m not mad at you. I noticed before that you seemed to have some sort of injury to your hands, but I never pried due to it being none of my business. However.” He takes a deep breath. “Seeing how bad it truly is, I wish I had done more so that you would have felt comfortable enough to come to me.”
Rudo stares at him blankly. “But... They look gross. People say I’m cursed.” His hands shake.
Enjin stares back, dumbfounded. Squinting slightly he whistles, “I knew people could be shitty, but wow. That really takes the cake.” His eyebrows furrow and he leans forward frowning, eyes serious.
“They may look jarring, but they are not gross, and you are certainly not cursed.” Rudo glances away, not fully believing him. Enjin lets out a quiet sigh and stands tall again; “Like I said, they look pretty bad. Real inflamed. Need help?”
Slouching, Rudo nods silently. His hands hurt too much to attempt anything by himself, and Enjin has already seen almost everything now. Might as well.
“Alrighty. What do you need, other than new wrappings? I can get you a lollipop.”
Rudo snarled at that, despite perking up at the mention of sweets. “I’m not a kid!! I don’t need a treat for this!”
Enjin cackles. “‘Not a kid!’ Whoo boy, you sure are a little pipsqueak. You’re what, 15? That's basically still a baby!” He shakes his head chuckling. Turning away he waves a hand behind him gesturing for Rudo to follow before making his way down the hall to the infirmary.
Rudo trudges behind silently, sulking. He didn’t want to be seen as weak, but this time he really needs the help. (It reminds him of Regto. Almost so much that it hurts.) His gloves are tucked under his right arm, out of harm's way.
They arrive, and Rudo sits on an empty cot while Enjin rummages around various cupboards and drawers gathering supplies. He hums under his breath, something upbeat and catchy. Looking around Rudo doesn’t see Eisha anywhere; probably asleep, since it's almost midnight and no one is holed up in her area due to injuries.
“Ah ha!” Enjin holds up a nondescript jar in one hand, rolls of gauze and a towel in the other. The jar looks short and ovalish, like something someone might store a face cream in. Rudo’s seen them in trash piles before. He squints, suspicious.
“Don’t give me that look, kid, it's just numbing cream.”
Rudo tilts his head. “...Thats a real thing?” Medication was rare on the Sphere, so he hadn’t encountered many of the things Cleaners seemed to take as normal.
He sees Enjin’s jaw tense briefly, hands tightening around his finds. “Right. I forgot you haven’t seen a whole lot of the ground yet.” With a huff, he comes and sits next to Rudo on the cot. “Come on, don’t be more difficult and show me those arms of yours.”
Wordlessly Rudo sets his gloves aside and moves his arms over, eyes downcast and mouth twisting. The pain had gotten worse again. Though squinting, he sees Enjin set down everything and start to unwrap the dirty bandages slowly, careful not to touch anything. Concern flashes briefly over his expression before returning to neutral.
“Okay. I have a towel here; I’ve dampened it with warm water. I’m gonna gently wrap one arm at a time, and the heat should help some with the pain. Part of what makes scars hurt so much is that the skin becomes inflamed, and tightens. But because the scar tissue is much less forgiving, it pulls against healthy skin, which hurts like a bitch.”
He pauses, staring off in the distance. “...Not sure how well this applies to you, but sometimes bad scars can get nerve damage. It feels a little like static on good days, and on bad days, well.” He shakes his head. “Not important. The heat helps with that too. Hopefully it works well here.”
He slowly drapes the warm towel over Rudo’s left arm, the one closest to him. “The warmth of the towel should help the muscles and skin relax.” As he talks he opens the jar of numbing cream - the smell of antiseptic mixed with medicinal herbs wafts up. It's almost sweet smelling at the same time, which confuses Rudo. “This is called Bag Balm. It acts as a numbing cream, but also as a moisturizer. It always works wonders on my scars.”
The towel is lifted, and a new one takes its place on the opposite arm. Rudo’s hands hurt, but his left is less now; the towel did work. It reminds him of, “Regto..” He whispers softly.
“Hmm? Am I hurting you at all?” Enjin has taken some of the cream and is gently applying it to his arm. The soothing coolness spreads throughout and the pain fades to a background sting almost immediately.
Rudo shakes his head a little before speaking. “Regto, my dad, used to do this for me. We didn’t have any creams, but any time my arms hurt too much he would heat up water, wrap them in towels, and rebandage them for me.” He stares at the floor, trailing off softly.
Enjin removes the towel on his right arm and begins to apply cream to that one, giving Rudo a moment. Pausing to wipe off his hands and screw the lid back onto the jar, Enjin speaks: “He sounds like a good guy. I’m glad he was there for you.” Grabbing a roll of bandages he starts wrapping Rudo’s left arm.
Rudo nods silently, and quietly thanks him when Enjin finishes. They get up and trail down the hallways of HQ to go back to bed. Rudo feels a warmth start to return to his chest as he falls asleep.
He blinks rapidly to clear the memory, eyes focusing on the cupboard in front of him. He must have been on autopilot moving through the hallways to the kitchen - he has no recollection of the journey here. It's dark, but the window on the far side of the living room lights up the area just enough to let him see. Just like on the walk over, everything is silent. Leftover dishes from last night's dinner fill the sink; Gris must have been really tired, to leave dishes like that.
Shaking his head to refocus, Rudo sighs quietly. Better to get this over with so he could go back to bed. Reaching up he gently nudges the cupboard door open. There's only one clean mug left: a wide white one with a chip in the top, with red (red like bloo- no. Don’t think about it) sprawling letters spouting “Worlds Angriest Child” that Zanka and Riyo had gotten for him shortly after he joined.
It was a gag gift; something to poke fun at his attitude. Enjin had joked about how at least it wasn’t a plunger (something he now regrets picking up, not knowing what it was before) while Zanka screeched in rage at the memory. Riyo reached over to ruffle his hair briefly, before joining in on the ‘Making Fun of Zanka and Rudo’ train.
Rudo bares his teeth together, grimacing in his best attempt of a smile at the memory. He should get everyone something soon, as thanks. He coughs lightly into his fist. Clearing his throat, he hums to himself; right, he's getting water.
Looking up he sees the cupboard looming before him, the task daunting. It's such a mundane everyday movement, but everything seems dire with his hands hurting this bad. He really needs to change his bandages more often. Letting out a huff, he starts to grab for the mug.
His hands shake as he reaches up.
(it hurts.)
The mug clatters noisily against the shelf as his hands make contact. He prays Enjin doesn't wake up at the noise.
(It Hurts.)
Shaking fingers almost lace through the handle before slipping, tugging the mug down with them.
(IT HURTS.)
Almost as if in slow motion, Rudo watches as his hands fail and the mug slips, falling to the floor.
(IT FUCKING HURTS-)
The mug shatters.
His knees hit the floor with a dull thud. His limbs have gone weak and limp, feet splaying outward almost in mimicry of the scattered pieces of porcelain that now litter the floor. Tears well up in the corners of his eyes uncontrollably. That was his favorite mug. His first gift from family in the Ground. It's gone. Destroyed. His hands really do ruin everything, don't they?
Blood wells up from where he bites his lips in an attempt to stifle the sobs that rack his body. He wishes Enjin were here. He would know what to do, how to fix this. His dad would wrap up his arms again, telling jokes and humming softly, ruffling his hair and telling him everything would be fine. Really, if only he were-
“-udo. Hey. Rudo. Kid, you’re gonna hurt yourself. Can you hear me?” A voice whispers softly. It's Dad Enjin. (Use only his name, he reminds himself. It's better in the long run.) Rudo looks up to see him crouched down next to him, concern swimming in his eyes. He reaches a hand out towards Rudo, stopping before touching. Rudo watches distantly as Enjin’s eyes flicker down to the mess of the mug on the floor before settling on his face, eyebrows raised slightly.
“...I broke it.” Rudo speaks hesitantly, answering the unspoken question. Tears stream down his face silently, body still shaking for breath as he cries. His hands still hurt, and he feels like it can’t get any worse than this. The fear that Enjin will suddenly decide he doesn't want him here anymore wells up in his chest.
Enjin starts at the sight. He gently reaches out a hand to pat Rudo's head comfortingly. “It's okay. I'm not mad at you for that. I just need to know, did you get cut anywhere?" Rudo shakes his head no, dislodging Enjin's hands in the process.
Enjin’s face relaxes, eyes softening. He smiles at Rudo in a familiar manner. Rudo stares at him, baffled. Shouldn't he have cared more about the fact that Rudo broke the mug? (Then again, it's Enjin. He's known to not give a rat's ass about other things around HQ.)
Rudo curls in on himself a little more as Enjin continues from before. “I’m sorry about your mug, Rudo. I know that meant a lot to you. But right now we need to take care of you.” Enjin lets out a breath, softly. “After we get you help, I can pick up what's most salvageable of the pieces for you, and find some glue.”
Wiping his eyes dry with the back of his gloves, Rudo sniffles once more before looking up again. His eyes shine with hope at the possibility of his mug not being completely unfixable. “Do you really think we can fix it?” He questions, quietly. The guilt from breaking it recedes lightly. Enjin nods before reaching over to tousle his hair.
Rudo leans into it slightly before flinching, another wave of pain pulsing through. He sees Enjin squint at his arms, worried. “Hey, kid. Are your arms bothering you again?” Rudo looks away quickly, trying to hide the shaking in his hands. He hears a quiet tired sigh ring through the air.
“Alright. Com’ere, let me pull you up. I’ll only touch your upper arms, promise.” Enjin stands up, reaching out a hand to Rudo gesturing for him to hold out his arms. Rudo turns away as much as his jelly-like limbs will allow, pouting. He doesn’t want to be treated like he's fragile just because his hands hurt.
Enjin frowns disapprovingly. “Either you accept my help getting up, and we can walk together, or you're getting moved there by force.” Rudo stays stubbornly silent, arms coming up to cross over his chest.
Enjin squints at him, hands coming to rest on his hips for a moment. He drops them, speaking at the ceiling. “Ooookay. You asked for it, kid.” And Enjin, suddenly and without warning, scoops Rudo up into his arms like a misbehaving child having a tantrum.
“HEY! WHAT’RE YOU DOING? TURDFACE!” Rudo screeches, legs kicking and arms flailing. His hands hit both a countertop and Enjin's chest, hard. He curls them inward as the pain spikes more like stabbing hot knives.
Enjin hisses in sympathy, his eyes scrunching up: Unseen by Rudo “Yikes. But hey, listen. I’m just bringing you to the couch, where you can get comfy. I’ll wrap your arms, and then make ya something to drink before bedtime.”
He hikes Rudo up further, curling him under his chin and against his chest into a large lump of traumatized teen. One arm under Rudo's knees bringing him close, the other wrapped protectively around his back and side. Rudo’s arms are cradled safely in the center of the whole bundle.
The first thing Rudo registers after the pain subsides back into the level it was before (Still horrible, but not mind numbing) is the feeling of warmth and comfort. He curls into it instinctively, the sensation reminding him of when Regto would sit near him and read, lulling him to sleep. A hand reaches up to grip Enjin’s shirt, pulling himself tighter in. He hears a loud rhythmic thudding as the sound of life rings in his ears - a heartbeat. His Dad is here, and hopefully the pain will stop.
The slight rocking of his body and the sound of shuffling slippers on concrete flooring as Enjin carried him soothed the ache in his chest. Rudo became suddenly very aware of just how exhausted he is - limbs sinking down, eyelids drooping slightly. He shook himself more awake as Enjin deposited him gently onto the fuzzy couch, blankets already splayed over the back for easy access. Rudo sank deep into the cushions; nestled in between two throw pillows that seem almost larger than himself when he curls into a ball.
The warmth stays even as Enjin leaves the room silently, spreading from his chest into his limbs and soothing something he didn’t even know ached. The tears that had previously stopped started to flow again, running down his face and dripping into his lap. The last time he felt so safe and cared for in this sort of way had been almost a year ago, right before the fall. (Right before Regto was killed.) (Don’t think about it.)
He hears Enjin return, the floppy ears of his bunny slippers wiggling in the air appearing from where Rudo peers out under his bangs. Little Umbrellas and faces with plus sign eyes dot his pants where they drape over the slippers dragging against the ground. He hadn’t noticed them before, eyes too unfocused and mind blurry to focus on anything. A strip of bandaging falls down, and Enjin curses under his breath.
“Hey kid. I’m back, got you more of that numbing cream from last time. It seemed to work really well then, so hopefully this’ll getcha back to baseline.” Rudo tilts his head up at that, Enjin appearing in full - arms full of bandages, the little jar from before, two towels, and a few treats. He shuffles over to come lounge by Rudo’s right side, letting out a quiet ‘oof’ as he sits down. Rudo stares at him saying nothing, arms wrapped around his knees.
Enjin just grins at him and holds out a hand, the other holding one of the towels. “Alrighty, I have a warm damp towel here. Mind letting me see your arms there?” He leaves his hand out, not moving. Rudo nods slowly and places his right hand onto Enjins. The glove covering his scars is gently removed and placed between them left in sight. Cloth pools onto the ground as everything is unwrapped, and the towel is draped over his arm covering the angry blackened tissue.
“I was already up when I heard the crash,” Enjin mentions. “I know that it's pretty late for anyone but me to be up, so I came out to investigate. Imagine my surprise to see that white fluffball you call hair to be in the kitchen.” Enjin holds the towel against his arm - his grip is loose and unrestrictive, but Rudo can’t hold back the little flinch he does at the sting. He relaxes into the warmth seeping into his scars. Enjin looks relieved, and pensive as he stares at the towel.
“...Say, Rudo. What are you doing up so late anyways? You’re normally asleep by this time of night.” He speaks low, voice carrying some unknown emotion with it. Rudo looks off to the side for the second time, avoiding Enjin's piercing gaze. He chews on his lips some more before responding. “I had a nightmare.” He inhales sharply, hissing as Enjin takes the towel off and begins to apply the numbing cream.
Enjin hums softly in acknowledgment, encouraging him to share more. Rudo stares off into space a little as he continues. “It started with when Regto died. He had been .. stabbed. In the chest. And I was trying as best as I could to save him. To stop the bleeding.” He paused, steadying himself as Enjin finished wrapping up his right arm, sliding the glove on. Rudo switched hands and continued.
“He had already passed. There wasn’t anything I could do, and.” He chewed on his words before speaking. “When I looked up from where I was, his face had changed. To uh, yours.” Enjin cooed a little at that, eyes sympathetic as he replaced the dirty bandages with another towel. Rudo continued. “By the time I registered it was you, I was already being dragged off by the Apostles.” A questioning noise sounded out. “Oh, uhh, basically the Spheres version of enforcers.” Enjin nodded at that, still holding the towel onto his arm.
“They came in and started dragging your body away. I tried to stop them, but I couldn’t do anything. And then I woke up.” Rudo winced as the towel came away, being replaced with the cooling effect of the ointment. Enjin stayed quiet for a moment working in silence. Rudo spoke again attempting to avoid explaining further. “I got up to get some water, but my hands were hurting really bad - and I didn’t want to wake you up, in case you were sleeping, because I know that you don’t sleep well and-” He stopped short at the devastated expression that had washed over Enjin's face.
He reached out to pull Rudo closer, his hand not covered in the salve resting in Rudo’s hair and guiding him to rest his forehead just under Enjin’s head. He felt the hand in his hair petting it slowly in an attempt to comfort. “Before I worry you, I’m not mad. Far from it.” He took in a shaking breath. “I just wish I was able to help, and that you would have been comfortable enough to come get me.” Rudo tries to protest, half a syllable leaving his throat before being shushed gently.
“I know. Trust me, I understand. But Rudo, as much as you try to deny it through independence and lashing out, you’re still just a kid.” Enjin sighs quietly. “You’re allowed to rely on those around you. You’ve been through some really traumatizing things, and I’m not gonna lie and deny the fact that I haven’t exactly helped in that department.”
Rudo makes a noise at that. He’d long since forgiven Enjin for that - he had been trying to help him understand, in his own (if albeit fucked up a little) way. Enjin continues; “It’s normal to get nightmares after a traumatic event. I just hope that next time, no matter what you need, you know you can come get me or another member of team Akuta. Or hell, even Gris.” The petting ceases and Rudo pulls away after a moment to look down at his hands.
“..Okay.” he confirms quietly. Enjin nods once at this, reaching behind him to retrieve the last of the bandages. He unravels a bit from the roll, wrapping the end around Rudo’s palm before twisting it over and around each finger. The pain in Rudo’s arms has subsided significantly. Enjin finishes wrapping his arm and slides the other glove back on. They sit in silence for a moment, digesting everything that was just shared.
Enjin nods once before getting up. “I’m gonna go get you that glass of water now. You must be pretty parched after all that talking and crying.” He wanders over to the kitchen, humming under his breath some sort of pop song. It sounds vaguely familiar.
The pillows flop over silently as they are no longer supporting another person, making a quiet puff sound. Rudo sits there tucked into the couch and broods. Memories sift by, being compared and discarded within seconds of each other. Regto and Enjin seem so similar and yet so different; he wonders if Regto would approve of Enjin. Memories with Regto move to that of Chiwa - how before everything happened, she seemed to be the only other person caring for him other than Regto. How when he was accused, she immediately believed them. He is a murderer’s son after all. Forever tainted by the memory and sins of his birth father. He thinks of the rage he holds that seems to have no end. The fear and anxiety of being thrown out rear their ugly maws to his throat and clamp down, almost feeling as though it was choking him from the inside out.
Enjin returns with a cup in his hand, the shhff shhff sound growing closer as Rudo gulps for air. He hears the subtle clink of glass on a table, and Enjin crouches down in front of him placing his hand on Rudo’s shoulder.
“Hey there bud, you doing okay? Arms flaring up again?” Rudo feels him rub his shoulder comfortingly, Enjin’s eyebrows furrowing. “The numbing cream should have kicked in by now, but I can always find something else that might help.” Rudo stares ahead, throat bobbing and eyes tearing up again. They fall, softly, dripping down his face and landing on his gloves. He’s cried so much tonight, and he hates it. A burning question sounds in his mind and out his mouth -
“Dad, am I broken?”
Enjin makes a soft ‘oh’ noise and pulls Rudo forward into a fierce hug. He leans into it, waiting a moment before slowly bringing up his arms to wrap around Enjin. Enjin keeps ahold of him as he shifts sideways to sit on the couch, bringing Rudo up to curl closer and in his lap much like a cat. Quiet sniffles fill the air as Rudo rubs his face on Enjin’s shirt, smearing snot into it accidentally. Enjin keeps him tucked close, hiding his expression at the same time. Rudo looks up, about to repeat himself, when he suddenly tenses.
He called him Dad.
He just called Enjin Dad.
He just called Enjin Dad.
Absolutely mortified, Rudo freezes and looks back down, avoiding eye contact. Oh god, is he going to get thrown out for this? Or just ridiculed?? He doesn’t know what he would do if his Dad NO, ENJIN, were to look at him with the same expression of disdain and contempt, even disgust, as everyone on the Sphere did.
Rudo pushed against his chest attempting to run away. To avoid the possibility of being looked at like he was worth nothing. Enjin squeezed Rudo tighter against himself, adjusting his hold to be more secure. Rudo finally noticed he was shaking, breathing fast and panicked.
“Hey! Hey, Rudo, it's okay. I’m not mad, okay kid? Far from it.” Enjin speaks low and urgently. He starts breathing deep, chest moving Rudo with each inhale. “Follow my breathing. Take a slow, deep breath in, hold it for a second, and release.” He repeats the cycle with Rudo once more, before he starts to attempt to follow it. They just sit there and breathe together, Rudo calming down from his panic, limbs shaky from adrenaline but no longer gasping for air.
He twists in Enjin’s hold and crawls over to the side, collapsing face first into the couch. He half-heartedly attempts to move further away before giving up, legs and torso left slumped in Enjin's lap while he buries his head into the cushions.
His face feels like it's on fire, embarrassed to no end. Enjin turns to face him, placing a hand gently on his head and just resting it there. Rudo turns his head to the side and risks a glance up, only to see Enjin has his face turned up and away, likely giving him space to process his emotions.
Rudo turns his head back down into the cushions again. He feels Enjin take a deep breath, before hearing him speak. “Okay. There are two parts to what you asked that should be addressed. I think the first one is a more pressing question to answer.” He takes a breath before continuing. “However, I know that you’re probably feeling uncertain right now; so I want you to know that I am very much not mad about the second part.” Rudo looked up at him at that, confused but hopeful. Shuffling forward and up, he turns and ducks under Enjin’s arm to lean into his side seeking comfort. He drops his head against Enjin’s shoulder and loosely grips his shirt in his right hand.
Enjin chuckles softly at that, arm coming down to rest over Rudo’s back and shoulders holding him closer. Rudo hears a hum before Enjin starts speaking again. “To answer your question, no you aren’t broken. I know it all seems endless, and that things will never get better. But that's just not true.” He pauses for a second, shifting to lean further back against the couch. “I still get nightmares.” Rudo blinks at that. Enjin always seems so put together, unbothered by most things.
Enjin continues: “I also have skeletons in my closet too, so to speak. It took me a long time to heal and come to terms with myself. Something that really helped me was talking to someone. Having someone be able to listen, so that I wasn’t alone with my thoughts.” Rudo huffs a little at that. It might have worked for Enjin, but that's for people who haven’t been stained with the actions of their parents. ‘He can take care of himself most of the time - why bother someone with something trivial?’
Enjin pets his hair once at that. “Another important thing to know is that healing isn’t linear. You will have good days, and bad days. Sometimes you feel like you’re finally getting better; that you don’t have to worry anymore. Other days, it feels like everything has reset, like you’re back at square one.” He sighs. “It takes a lot of work, but also having people to rely on is important. I know I’ve mentioned it a lot, but it’s true. Team Akuta, Gris, and everyone in HQ is here for you.”
Rudo nods at that. He still doesn’t want to be a burden, and probably will struggle with asking for help for a long time, but he thinks he can learn to lean on his family. Regto always told him to tell those he trusted when he hurt; that it’s important to accept help. He remembers when Regto walked around with him trying to find something he liked; how patient he was with him. It seems like Enjin wants to help him, too. It’s probably okay to go to him for support. Rudo reaches out to grip the glass of water abandoned on the table in his hands and takes a drink.
Enjin coughs. “Now, about you calling me Dad.” Rudo jolts against him and almost inhales his water, coughing. He hoped that Enjin would just forget it, despite him mentioning discussing it later; but no such luck. Enjin pats his back, helping to clear his lungs of anything. “Hey kid, don’t choke yourself. I didn’t mean to startle you, sorry.” He rubs soothing circles into Rudo’s back as he finishes coughing out anything and collects his thoughts together.
“I, uh....” Rudo starts, voice quiet and unsure. He places the water glass back onto the table before continuing, “I kinda see you as like. My father? Like Regto, but.” He searches for the right words. “I don’t know if it's okay. For me to call you that. Because Regto was my dad, yaknow? I still think of him like that. And I don’t want to replace him by calling you Dad, too.” He stares down at the table wringing his hands together. Enjin is silent next to him, contemplating.
“Rudo.” He sounds somewhat sad. “No one can ever replace Regto. He was your dad, and that will never change.” He sighs quietly. “The relationship you had with him is something special and can’t be recreated, and that's okay.” Rudo nods once, curling up into a tight ball against Enjin's side.
Enjin moves his hand into Rudo's hair and starts petting it slowly. “But it’s also okay to see more than one person in a fatherly light. Our hearts aren’t made for solitude.” He hums once, thinking. “Team Akuta is my family, and that includes you too. However that relationship is defined varies from person to person.”
Rudo feels him take another deep breath as if to brace himself. “And me personally? I see Zanka, Riyo, Eisha, Shikage, and you as my kids.” Rudo’s head snaps up at that to see Enjin already looking back at him, smiling fondly. “In short, I’m honored that you see me as a father and am okay with you calling me Dad.” Enjin finishes speaking, eyes soft.
Rudo stares at him, eyes flickering around searching for any hint of a lie. Finding none, he collapses back against Enjin's side and buries his face there, sniffling once. They sit there contentedly, Enjin petting Rudo’s hair giving him a side hug while Rudo cuddles up close for comfort.
Enjin sighs at the ceiling before gently repositioning Rudo to lean against the back of the couch. He groans and hauls himself upright, bones creaking. Hands on his hips, he turns to face Rudo; “Okay. That was a pretty heavy conversation, and something that always helps me when I feel like shit is a cup of warm milk and honey.” Rudo stares at him, eyes wide and sparkling at the thought.
“That's a thing??” He states in wonder. Enjin looks down at him questioningly, before it registers. “Ohhh man. You’ve never had honey in milk have you.” He runs a hand down his face once.
“Okay, sit tight, I’ll be right back.” Rudo watches as he shuffles off to the kitchen for the second time, humming to himself. He reaches out and grabs a pillow to hug to his chest. It feels kind of childish, but after everything that’s happened tonight, he feels like this is okay. Clinking and the sound of a wooden spoon scraping the bottom of a pot drift through the air. Enjin bustles around the kitchen opening cupboards and checking the pot on the stove, stirring it occasionally. A sweet smell mixed with some sort of spice reaches Rudo’s nose. He doses off, the sound of life and the sweet smell lulling him to sleep.
Some time later he feels his shoulder being shaken, Enjin’s face swimming into view as Rudo blinks blearily. “Hey there kiddo. Sorry to wake you, I thought you wouldn’t want to miss this.” He holds out a steaming mug for Rudo to take, a light yellow color with a half open umbrella painted on the side. Rudo sniffs the drink once before taking a sip.
He immediately spits out the milk huffing in air, “Hot!!! Ow!” He fans his tongue in an attempt to cool it down. Enjin laughs quietly, setting down his own drink on the table in front of the couch before settling next to Rudo. “Sorry about that. Should have warned ya.” He leans back into the couch, elbows resting on the back of the couch and hands hanging limply.
Rudo stares at him accusingly, huffing once before looking at the mug on the table - it's light blue with a car on it. The words “East Ward Annual Racing Champion Year 21XX” decorate the front in bold, angled letters. “Were you in a race?” he asks, curious. Enjin hums questioningly, turning his head to look at Rudo and then the mug.
“Ah! No, that’s Gris’ mug. Believe it or not, he used to be suuuper into street racing. He won that when we were in our early 20s ish?” Enjin smiles fondly, almost smug. “He beat all the other competition that day by at least 2 laps. It’s why he’s so good at driving carefully now - he knows how to control the car in any environment.”
Rudo stares blankly at the mug, trying to process the fact that Gris - the same guy that puts everyone to sleep when driving - did street racing. He knows a little about it; some of the older teens in the slums held races from time to time. What he does remember, is how high stakes and fast the driving is.
He gives up almost immediately. It’s been too hard of a night for him, and he can always ask Gris about it later. Enjin reaches out to take the mug from the table and takes a sip, encouraging Rudo to do so as well. “It’s cooled down enough. Try it; I think you’ll enjoy it.”
Rudo reaches out to grip the mug again. Inspecting the top, he sees little brown specks decorating the surface, the same sweet smell from before wafting up. He takes a sip and feels like he’s just been given liquid gold. It tastes sweet and rich, a creamy flavor making itself apparent with a slightly spicy and nutty undertone trailing behind it all. He eagerly drinks some more, the flavor filling his mouth and soothing any leftover worry from earlier. Enjin chuckles at his enthusiasm, drinking some more himself before holding his own mug between his hands warming them up.
“Like it? I mixed up heated milk with a little bit of honey, and I added some cinnamon and nutmeg. Corvus used to make this for me when I was a kid.” He pauses to drink a little more. Rudo hums in response to the information given but stays quiet. Dad doesn’t talk about himself often.
Enjin continues, “I used to get really bad night terrors. Corvus would wake me up, and sit me down on this exact couch, and make me a cup of warm milk. It never failed to put me to sleep soon after.” He smiles softly at the memory. “Now I can do the same for you. It’s a gift, to be able to help others in the same way.”
Rudo savors the last of his drink and hums softly. The milk was really soothing, and he couldn't help but be glad that Enjin heard the mug fall and came to get him, despite the tragedy of it breaking. He yawns wide, eyes scrunching shut and tongue curling a little before setting his mug down on the table, blinking slowly.
Speaking of his mug. “Hey Dad?” He asks hesitantly, testing out the word. Enjin turns to him, setting down his own drink in front of him and looking at Rudo with a soft look. “What happened to the pieces of my mug?” He doesn’t remember seeing what happened, especially since Enjin had almost immediately scooped him up.
Enjin reaches over to ruffle Rudo’s hair again. “Don’t you worry about that. I saved all of the salvageable bits, and maybe later today we can visit August to get it all fixed up.” Leaning over to set his now empty mug on the table, he smiles contentedly.
Rudo nods in acceptance at this, yawning again. He reaches a gloved hand up to rub at his eyes, finally tired enough he feels like he can sleep. Fumbling forward he crawls into Enjin's lap again and leans his whole body into him. His head comes to sit under Enjin’s chin, and his arms curl in and together like a cat.
“Night Dad..” Rudo mumbles sleepily. Enjin chuckles fondly above him and grabs a blanket, draping it over the both of them and tucking Rudo in. They fall asleep like that - comfortable, safe, and warm.