Chapter Text
“You’re giving me what?!” John’s eyes nearly bugged out of their sockets as he goggled at the ridiculous offer.
“A Waifu System!” The thing masquerading as a goddess exclaimed. “It’ll let you summon a ton of sexy girls who would do your bidding. It’s the stuff of dreams for lonely virgins who have never touched naked breasts in their lives! You can have them do anything you want, too. Clean your house, make you a sandwich, get down on their knees and –”
“Nope! None of that. Nuh-uh, no ma’am. We are NOT going there!”
John snapped out of his shock just in time to interrupt what would have been a highly inappropriate suggestion from the little menace. She, in response, had the audacity to pout.
“Why not? I was just getting to the best part.”
“I don’t care! There is literally nothing that would interest me less than whatever snake oil you’re peddling. I’m done here. Just send me to the afterlife or something.”
That seemed to finally cut through her veil of smugness. It seems no one had ever refused this lump of turd wrapped in silk before.
“You… you can’t be serious! Do you have any idea what you’re turning down? The most bangable babes in the multiverse would be at your beck and call! The hottest honeys willing and able to jump on your dick! You can tie them up, spank them, humiliate them, inflict your every depraved desire on them! Why wouldn’t you want that?”
It took a second for John to reply because he had to pick up his jaw from the floor. Every word that came out of her pie hole caused mini aneurysms in his brain. Kinks weren’t exactly news to him, but holy shit!
“I got a better question. Why the fuck would I want any of that? I couldn’t even handle a single woman throughout my disastrous series of relationships. What makes you think dating more than one would turn out any better for me?”
The so-called goddess then gave John a look of absolute confusion.
“Who said anything about dating them? This system is about giving you fuck toys, you moron! It’s about putting your dream girls within your reach! Haven’t you ever seen anyone on TV or in a movie that you wanted to leave panting and cross-eyed while spraying your stuff all over her tatas?”
It was at this moment that John decided he was in hell. For what else could this be but perdition for all the sins he committed?
Closing his eyes and sighing in defeat, John chose to beg, “Please, oh please, just grant me eternal peace. I’m done. I lived, I loved, and now I’m dead. All I want to do is close my eyes and never have to think again.”
She regarded him more closely this time, a contemplative expression gracing her face. John had to admit, if she wasn’t spouting disgusting rhetoric and wearing a repellent smile, she would actually be quite lovely.
“You know what, John? You’re right.”
At this, the recently deceased bastard finally relaxed…
“But I can’t let you pass on, just yet.”
…Only to tense up once more.
“Why the hell not?” he asked dully.
“Because, dear boy, I’ve already made the preparations! After going through all this effort, it would be a shame if it all went to waste. Besides,” she added, a demented grin forming on her lips, “the system was keyed to you the moment you arrived here. I can’t assign it to anyone else now. It has to be you.”
John gaped at the woman whom he now saw as the manifestation of Satan. This bitch was insane!
“And if I refuse to use it?”
The grin grew wider.
“Oh, you won’t have a choice. I’ll make sure of that.”
Before he could say anything else, a circle of light suddenly appeared under his feet. It then launched tendrils that wrapped around his form, tightly binding his arms and legs.
“It’s also quite too late, Johnny boy. Your destination is set, where lots of adventures await you. Be sure to have fun, okay? Toodles!”
Unable to move, John Sinclair, decorated veteran and newest victim of cosmic shenanigans, disappeared into motes of light.
Levania, the Deviant Goddess of Neckbeard Perverts, Writers of Detestable Smut Fanfictions, and Closet Incels could only laugh at this absurd turn of events. To actually meet a reincarnator who wasn’t a complete piece of shit. What a novelty, indeed.