Chapter Text
Boys who Beer Group Chat (Sex Addict Support for Hayden)
J.J.
Shane’s been weirdly happy tonight. Glowing after the win… suspicious as hell.
Patrice
He smiled at a reporter. Like. Full teeth. I got the pic for proof 📸
Gilbert
Someone’s getting laid. I’m calling it.
Hayden
You three are exhausting. Fine. Yeah, he’s got a sneaky link.
J.J.
HAYDEN WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK 😂😂😂
Patrice
SHANE??? OUR SHANE??? MR. PERFECT??? 🤯🤯
Gilbert
NO WAY 😭😭😭
J.J. reacted 🤯🤯🤯
Patrice reacted 💀💀💀
Gilbert reacted 😭😭😭
J.J.
You’ve been sitting on this intel and said nothing???
Patrice
How long, Hayden. HOW. LONG.
Hayden
Long time. Very long. He’s private as hell. Like, Shane never tells anyone anything. Ever. The guy is a vault. I only know because I room with him and I notice shit.
J.J.
A vault?? Bro deflects everything. I’ve asked him straight up “you dating anyone?” and he just hits you with that polite smile and changes the topic to hockey sticks 😂
Gilbert
Facts. He’s the king of deflection. You ask anything personal and suddenly we’re talking about nutrition plans.
Patrice
That’s why this is insane. Mr. “I don’t kiss and tell” is out here with a secret Boston sidepiece?? 😳
Hayden
Whenever “Lily” texts him, he turns into prime Shane. Phone buzzes → instant grin → unstoppable.
Gilbert
Lily. Cute. Innocent sounding.
Hayden
Except he only gets the real flood of texts from her when we’re in Boston. Or playing Boston. Clockwork.
J.J.
…
Patrice
…wait
Gilbert
…
J.J.
LILY IS A BOSTON FAN??? 😱😱
Patrice
OUR CAPTAIN IS SLEEPING WITH A RAIDERS FAN DURING THE RIVALRY??? 🇨🇦❌🇺🇸
Gilbert
This is treason. Spiritual treason 💀
Hayden
Purely casual. Just sex. Been going on forever.
Patrice
FOREVER??? And he’s letting enemy hands on him??
J.J.
So Wait, is his routine: text → disappears → comes back smug?
Hayden
Every time. Never stays the night. Always showers before though. Always. And for ages!
Gilbert
I thought he was a monk. Turns out he’s getting hate-sex from a Boston fan and then torching her team. Absolute king 👑 Never staying the night is throwing me though!!
J.J.
Hayden. Live updates next time. For science.
Hayden
You’re children. Fine.
— Boston hotel night —
Hayden
He’s staring at phone grinning like a moron.
J.J.
IT’S HAPPENING 🔥
Patrice
PICS OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN 📸
Hayden
NO PICS! Blushing. Ears red. Never seen it this bad.
Gilbert
SHANE BLUSHES FOR THE ENEMY 😳😳
Hayden
Shower. Timer started
Hayden (20 min later)
20 minutes exactly.
Dressed in seconds.
Out the door.
Patrice
20 minutes?? Oh that’s kinda cute though. He wants to be so clean for her 🥺
J.J.
Aww yeah. Full fresh-and-ready vibe. Respect ✊ she must be so so hot
Gilbert
He’s in enemy territory rn. Legend 🫡
— 2 hours later —
Hayden
Back. Hair wrecked and he’s grinning. Straight to bed!!
J.J.
I’m deceased 💀
Gilbert
Boston Lily owns him.
— Another Boston trip, weeks later —
Hayden
GUYS I think Shane is sexting her rn AHAHAHAHA 😂😂😂
J.J.
SPILL NOW
Patrice
WHAT
Gilbert
DETAILS
Hayden
Lying on his bed, staring at phone, massive idiot grin, ears BRIGHT red, then suddenly SLAMMED the phone face-down like he got caught red-handed.
Hayden
HAHAHA BABY’S FIRST NUDE I’M SCREAMING TRYING TO ACT NORMAL 😂😂
J.J.
NO FUCKING WAY 😭😭
Patrice
SHANE HOLLANDER GETTING SPICY PICS FROM A BOSTON FAN 🔥📱
Gilbert
He’s blushing over enemy tits. I can’t breathe 😂
J.J.
Panic slam?? Guilty as charged ⚖️
Hayden
Full guilty slam. Then fake stretch and “casual” bag check. I’m dying. I literally just bit my own fist to stop from busting up
Patrice
Man gets nudes and still has to go play pro hockey. The discipline 💪
Hayden
Update: towel grabbed. Shower time. Timer is onnnnn ⏱️
Gilbert
Sexting success = hat trick incoming 🎩
— Later that same trip, post-shower —
Hayden
20 min shower. He’s off to see Lily.
J.J.
Clockwork. Man’s predictable ⏰
Patrice
Okay but that’s SUCH a long shower every single time. TWENTY MINUTES? Waste of water! You already shower after the game bro…
J.J.
Right?? Cute at first but… what is he actually doing in there??
Gilbert
If I’ve got a chance to get laid I’m in and out in 4 minutes max. And I mean max. Maybe I don’t even shower
Patrice
Exactly! Rinse, soap, gone. 20 minutes is next level.
J.J.
Is he shaving his whole body for her? Full manscape??
Gilbert
Chest, legs, everything?? For Boston Lily??
Patrice
Maybe he’s sneaky kinky and she pegs him. Needs the extra… prep time.
J.J.
PEGS HIM??? 💀💀💀PATRICE JAIL STOP
Gilbert
I’m just saying! 20 minutes is mad suspicious!
J.J.
Wait. Oh my god is he jerking it first so he lasts longer??
Patrice
OH THAT ACTUALLY MAKES SENSE 🤯 THATS THE MOST LIKELY REASON
Gilbert
Y’all are disgusting.
J.J.
Nah but think about it. Man’s taking a full 20-minute solo session just to make sure he gives her the full performance. That’s dedication 😂😂😂
Patrice
He’s so disciplined hahahahaha. Performance focused even off the ice. Captain energy 24/7 💪
Gilbert
Bro is treating sex like a power play. Edging for the clutch goal. I’m crying 😂
J.J.
Imagine the mental strength. Gets nudes, jerks it in the shower to reset the clock, then goes and absolutely rocks her world for hours. Legend 🐐
Patrice
That’s why he never stays the night though. Man’s spent after round two because he’s already pre-gamed himself 😂😂
Gilbert
Shane Hollander out here optimizing stamina like it’s training camp. “Gotta last for the third period, boys.” 🏒
J.J.
I’m proud and jealous. My horny ass would bust in 30 seconds if I got those texts.
Patrice
Facts. He’s built different. Hockey IQ AND bedroom IQ off the charts 📈
Gilbert
If this chat ever leaks I’m moving to Siberia. Guys stop!
J.J.
Too late. We’re all doomed. But also… respect the process 😂
Hayden
You’re all idiots. I’m just the messenger 😂😂 AND I HAVE TO SHARE A SHOWER WITH HIM
— Pre-game a few weeks later —
J.J.
Ever since I found out about Lily I can’t be normal when I see Shane texting before a game 😂😂
J.J.
He’s just sitting there grinning at his phone and I’m like bro is that her?? Is the ritual starting?? I have to look away or I’ll start laughing 💀
Patrice
Same 😂 I catch myself staring waiting for the blush
Gilbert
We’re all ruined. Every phone buzz now I’m like “Lily alert” 🚨
— After hat trick game —
Gilbert
BOYS BOYS BOYS 🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨First official welt sighting… bright red stripe across his ass in the room. Fresh. Hand-sized but at a glance it could be from a belt 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀 You could see it from space when he turned to grab his towel.
J.J.
HOLY SHIT 😱😱😱
Patrice
NO WAY 🤯
Gilbert
Clear as day. BRIGHT RED ALMOST PURPLE. Brutal.
J.J.
BOSTON LILY SPANKED OUR CAPTAIN 🔥🖐️
Patrice
She marks him up and he drops a hat trick on her team. Iconic and terrifying 😂
Gilbert
I wasn’t even staring bro it was impossible to miss
J.J.
Sure Bud 😂
Patrice
Yeah Gilbert?? 👀 What’s the zoom level on that mental screenshot
Gilbert
Shut up. Anyway he caught me looking. I panicked and just blurted “Big night?” like an idiot.
J.J.
AND????
Gilbert
He froze. Full deer-in-headlights. Face went pink instantly, then he literally spun halfway around and yanked his towel down lower to cover his ass while stammering “Oh uh no, I uh I fell. Tripped on… uh… something. Yeah. Just clumsy haha.” Man was spiraling 😭😭 I almost felt bad
Patrice
SHANE HOLLANDER STUTTERING AND COVERING HIS BUTT LIKE A GUILTY TEENAGER 💀💀
J.J.
He literally tried to hide the evidence live. Hand on the towel pulling it down, ass out of view now. Then he speed-changed and bolted to the showers mumbling “Gotta… stretch… yeah” under his breath. Never seen him that flustered off the ice 😂😂
Gilbert
I felt bad for like 0.2 seconds. Then I remembered he’s getting spanked by the enemy and dropping points on them. Respect restored.
Patrice
We’re actually becoming those crazy fans with the conspiracy boards and red string. “Lily did this. Boston game → long shower → welt → hat trick pipeline” 😂
J.J.
Fr. I’ve been through all his social media like three separate times. Scrolled back YEARS. Every post, every story, every tagged photo, every like history I could access. Not a single thing. No Boston tags. No girls in the background. No suspicious follows. No “Lily” anywhere. Man is a digital ghost. How is she this invisible??
Gilbert
He’s either got her on a completely separate burner account/phone or they literally only exist in hotel rooms. Zero digital footprint. That’s next-level op-sec for casual sex 💀
Hayden
Told you guys. Vault. He doesn’t leave crumbs. Ever. TRUST ME I HAVE TRIED I EVEN ASKED YUNA THERES NOTHING
Patrice
So we’re out here playing detective with locker-room welts, shower timers, and blush sightings like proper schizo fans. I hate that I’m this invested. IM SICK IN THE HEAD
J.J.
Same. But I need more intel. For science. Keep the live updates coming Hayden.
Gilbert
If he ever finds this thread we’re cooked. He’ll make us run drills until we forget our own names.
Hayden
Delete delete delete. I’m just the innocent roommate bystander 😂
— Months later —
J.J.
FELLAS FELLAS FELLAS 🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨ANOTHER WELT HAS HIT THE TOWERS. Fresh. New spot this time. Clear HAND outline. Caught it in the mirror reflection when he was changing. AGAIN IT IS From SPACE obvious.
Patrice
She’s collecting real estate on his ass at this point. Signature collection growing 🔥
Gilbert
Why are we all still clocking his butt changes I’m begging y’all to stop making us look sus 😭
J.J.
It finds us bro. The evidence is too loud.
Patrice
Shane knows we’re watching now. The eyebrow raise he gave me last week when I glanced too long? Chilling.
Hayden
He’s never spilling. We’ll be 40 years old still whispering “Lily alert” every Boston trip.
J.J.
Worth it. The saga continues 🕵️♂️
Gilbert
Pray this chat stays buried. Forever. 🙏