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Ilya looked out at the lake and sighed, hearing Shane's footsteps disappear back into the cottage, their empty plates in tow.
Ilya had screwed up somehow but he wasn't quite sure how. He knew coming out wasn't easy - even if he had parents who loved and supported him, he wasn't sure how comfortable he would feel telling them, but he got the sense Shane wanted to tell his. Ilya had been trying to be supportive of that. But Shane was annoyed and now he was inside, alone, and Ilya was out here, alone, and they only had two weeks, so that wasn't okay.
Ilya stood, filled his arms with condiments and used napkins and followed Shane into the cottage, sliding the door open and closed with his foot. He deposited his armful on the counter next to where Shane was washing dishes, his shoulders a tight line. Ilya thought about what he could say to break the tension, but it was harder when he didn't know where he'd gone wrong. He started by packing up the extra burgers and tucking them away in the fridge with the ketchup and the mustard.
"I don't have one," Shane said abruptly, like there hadn't been a break in the conversation.
"What?" Ilya asked even as he was rewinding his previous words and putting it together.
"I don't have a list of guys I'm fucking." There was something sharp in Shane's voice, and Ilya was starting to feel thrown off by not knowing what had caused it. He could usually read Shane like a book, but he was missing something here.
"I know," Ilya said. "Was a joke."
"Yeah, but if I did, have a list, it'd be easier to tell them, you know?"
Ilya's brow creased as he tried to follow the English and the logic. He shook his head a little. "No, I do not know."
Shane set the dish scrubber down and turned, facing Ilya, his hip leaned against the counter and his arms crossed. "Cause the second I tell them I'm gay, you know what the first question will be?"
Ilya suddenly realized why he was lost here - he didn't know how to imagine that. He knew, vaguely, what a positive coming out to your parents could be like, but he couldn't solidify it into words, into a detailed fantasy. What does a loving father ask first when finding out his child is queer? Ilya had no idea. He shook his head again. "No."
Shane frowned a little, like he wasn't expecting that one to be a stumper. "They'll ask me if I'm seeing anyone."
"Oh."
"It just feels like stepping from one lie into another. If I had a list, I could say no, you know, cause that's not really - I mean, they don't want to know about my sex life, they'll want to know about…" Shane's eyes dropped to the floor.
Ilya reached out and cupped Shane's cheek in his hand. That was a sentence he could finish. They'll want to know about my love life. "If you are bringing someone home for Christmas next year, yes? That is what they will want to know."
"Yeah." Shane leaned into Ilya's touch.
"Okay, yes. I see it now. I get it. I'm sorry." What was the point in coming out as gay if he couldn't tell them who he was with? Ilya supposed it was easier to hide it all, instead of trying to tease apart what things were okay to talk about and what things weren't.
Shane stepped forward and burrowed himself into Ilya's arms. "It's okay. I wasn't like - I'm not upset with you. I just - I wish none of this had to be a secret."
"Me too."
Shane leaned back a little, met Ilya's eyes. "You're my whole list," he said carefully, pointedly. "I'm not sleeping with anyone else."
Ilya smiled. "Yes, I got that when you said it had been months."
"No, I mean, I'd like - I'd like us to be each other's whole list all the time," he muttered, eyes dropping to Ilya's chest, his finger coming up to trace the collar of Ilya's v-neck shirt. "You said it's been a while, but like…I know it's not a fair thing to ask you. We're not going to see each other for months at a time. And you like women so you can still…have fun without it being a secret, but I just - I would like that."
Ilya hooked his knuckle under Shane's chin and drew his gaze back up. "I told you I had not been with anyone since our last time."
"I know, but that doesn't mean you're saying it's always going to be like that. Waiting sucks."
"It does," Ilya agreed. "But you want me to wait for you?"
Shane gave a self-conscious half-shrug, and Ilya smiled.
"Is okay. You are my whole list too. Only one I want."
Shane's eyes went wide. "Really?"
"Yes," Ilya laughed out the word. "I thought you got that from what I said before. Has never been this long for me, not ever. But somehow I am still alive, so I think I can do it."
That made Shane laugh properly this time, he shoved a little at Ilya's chest, but drew him in closer at the same time, his shirt caught in Shane's hand. "Okay, good. It kind of drives me crazy to think about you with other people."
Ilya remembered how he felt when he saw the news about Shane and Rose Landry, remembered his promise to try to be honest. "Me too."
"Okay, good." Shane pressed their lips together, and what started as a soft, reassuring kiss, turned into something fiery in a heartbeat. Shane gasped, sucking in air around Ilya's mouth, and Ilya dipped to his neck, his hands sliding up under Shane's shirt to tease his nipples.
Ilya hummed with pleasure, grinding their hips together, and Shane cursed.
"Fuck it. Forget the dishes. I need you to fuck me."
Ilya groaned, immediately starting to stumble backwards towards the bedroom, dragging Shane along with him. Shane managed to keep Ilya from doing a faceplant on the steps up, and then Ilya spun them, driving Shane backwards, nearly lifting him right off his feet until they tumbled onto the bed.
Ilya stripped off his own clothes then set to work on Shane's, kissing every inch of skin he revealed as he went. When Shane's boxer briefs hit the floor, Ilya sucked him down to the root, bobbing his head a few times and reveling in the deep groan Shane rewarded him with.
Shane twisted his fingers in Ilya's hair and drew him up until they were face to face. "Um," Shane said.
"Yes," Ilya prompted.
"I have an idea."
"This fresh cottage air is good for your brain," Ilya teased. "So many ideas. What is this one?"
"Have you ever, um. I mean. I'm clean."
Ilya tried to figure out what on earth that could mean but he could not. "I don't…Good?"
"No, like. I've been tested. I mean, it's only been you and Rose in the last year anyway, but I always have my physical in January, so I haven't been with anyone but you since the last time I was tested so I'm all good there. I just wondered if maybe - If you knew?"
"I am sorry, I don't know the English for this. Tested for what?"
Shane's cheeks pinked. "For sexually transmitted infections," he finally said, switching to the extra bluntness Ilya could usually bring out of him. "I was wondering if you'd been tested recently cause if you have we could skip the condom. Especially if we're going to be exclusive. But I don't even know if you'd like that. I just thought I'd ask. Or…offer. Or whatever."
Ilya's whole body tingled at the thought of pushing into Shane's body without a barrier between them, and he dropped his forehead to Shane's shoulder and sucked in a deep breath. "Fuck, Hollander."
"You'd like that? I mean if we can't this visit, maybe next time we could -"
"No, this time, this time. I am - what did you say? Clean? Tested. All good. I have many partners so I go a lot."
Shane's face scrunched up adorably.
"Had," Ilya corrected, laughing. "Had many partners. No more. I guess that means I can stop going to the doctor so much. Hmm?"
"It's still a good idea to be safe," Shane said, in his entirely Shane way.
"Yes, yes. But now you are all mine, yes? And I am yours -" Ilya said simply, still thrilling at the way that brightened Shane's expression "- and I went to doctors right before playoffs since is hard to book appointment when travelling during the summer. All good."
Shane let out a tight breath. "Fuck. You really want to?"
"Very much so. I have never done that before."
Shane smiled. "Oh. I finally get to be your first something, huh?"
Ilya shook his head, laughing a little. "You are my first a lot of things, but yes, okay." Ilya dipped down and kissed Shane on the lips then wriggled down to tease his neck and chest with his tongue.
"What -" Shane groaned. "What else am I first for you?"
Ilya grabbed the lube from the side table and shifted all the way down between Shane's thighs. "First NHL player to suck my dick," he said, licking his way up Shane's cock. He slicked his fingers. "First man to come untouched on my cock." Ilya teased his finger tip around Shane's rim.
"Fuck," Shane groaned.
Ilya pushed his finger into Shane's hole, and quickly followed with another, stretching him out as he smeared the lube around. They last had sex only a few hours ago, so Shane was still relaxed and open. "First person to beat me at shot accuracy contest."
Shane snorted out a breathless laugh, and Ilya crawled back up. Shane hooked his legs around Ilya's hips, welcoming him in, eyes fixed on Ilya's, as he rubbed the head of his cock through the lube leaking out of Shane's hole. "You sure?" he asked.
Shane nodded. "I want to feel you."
Ilya squeezed his eyes shut, taking a moment to make sure he wasn't going to come right there, then pushed inside. Shane was impossibly hot and slick and tight, rippling around Ilya's cock. "Fuck, you feel so good," Ilya huffed out. "I can't - shit." He stilled for a moment, adjusting, breathing through the wave of pleasure that threatened to take him under already.
Shane's hands gripped Ilya's sides, his fingers digging in, nails no doubt leaving little half moons all over Ilya's skin.
"First person I -" Ilya choked out and then he couldn't speak anymore as he started to move, rolling in and out of Shane's hole. Shane tipped his head back, eyes falling closed as his mouth fell open, and Ilya just stared. Shane's long, dark eyelashes fanned out over his cheeks, the pink flush making his freckles even more prominent. Ilya wanted to spend the rest of his life memorizing where each one was.
This suddenly felt like more than a new sex thing they could try, it felt like a seismic shift in their relationship. Shane didn't just want him, he trusted him. He'd invited him to the only place he felt truly safe and now he'd let Ilya have him like this, nothing in between them, bare.
Ilya dropped his face to Shane's shoulder again, overcome with both physical and emotional sensation. Shane huffed a desperate breath, drawing his knees up higher, rolling his hips to urge Ilya's pace faster.
After a moment, Shane combed his fingers up the back of Ilya's hair and said, "Let me flip over. I want to come from nothing but your dick in me."
Ilya cursed impressively in Russian, then sat up, gritting his teeth before he could bear to pull free of Shane's wet heat. He used a hand on Shane's hip to guide him over onto his hands and knees then immediately pushed back in again. It was the most surefire position to get Shane to come handsfree, though he couldn't always. He was showing all the signs tonight, as Ilya thrust into him, setting a vigorous pace that had them both gasping and cursing.
Shane's back arched and he drove his hips backwards into each thrust. His hands fisted in the sheets and he pressed his face into the pillow. Then he cried out, sucking in gasping breaths as Ilya felt his hole shudder and clench around his cock.
Ilya braced a hand on Shane's back, twisting around to watch him soak the sheets, the waves of his orgasm seemingly neverending as his cock pulsed without a single touch. Ilya couldn't hold out any longer, didn't want to. He thrust deep once, twice, more, and then collapsed forward as his orgasm struck, flattening Shane down onto the bed as he came deep inside him.
Ilya lay there with Shane spooned against his chest, still buried deep inside him, panting and gasping, trying to find his breath again. Shane shuddered through the aftermath of his orgasm, fingers stroking up and down Ilya's arm. Ilya pulled out slowly, watching a trickle of his own come slide out after him and his head spun. He couldn't believe he got to have this, that Shane would share this with him.
Once they were both breathing normally again, Ilya rolled to the side, drawing Shane with him, onto his chest. The sun was beginning to set across the lake and the orange glow burst through the picture windows.
"That was incredible," Shane managed, words slurring together.
"Mmm." Ilya kissed his forehead. "In a moment you will realize what a mess you are and you will not like it so much I think."
Shane chuckled. "Totally worth it." He paused. "But we will definitely need to take a shower and change the bed before we sleep."
"Okay." Ilya stroked his thumb across Shane's check in a mindless rhythm, the Muskoka evening settling in around them in the hum of insects and the calls of twilight birds. Ilya had only one thought he could coherently condense into something expressable with words: I wish I could stay right here, like this, forever.
Ilya turned and met Shane's hooded gaze, his hand coming up to cup his cheek. "First person -" he started, then cut himself off, not quite able to say it yet. "First person where I have stayed," he opted for instead, hoping Shane could understand.
Shane glowed. He stole a kiss, then snuggled back down on Ilya's chest, eyes falling shut. "First person I've invited here," he offered, in return.
Ilya held him close, breathed him in. Every hour here, it was getting easier and easier to believe that maybe they could have this, maybe they could have this piece of each other and not worry about what it could cost them. "Thank you," he said, "There is nowhere I would rather be."