Chapter Text
Steve's always been like this. Well, not always, not in the sense that he was born this way, in the sense that he always had to deal with this. Had to deal with this since he was twelve years old. Old enough to understand that nobody will ever be able to see him fully. Old enough to look in the mirror and be terrified of himself.
Old enough to transform into a goddamn wolf-monster adjacent, and to understand that this isn't some sort of cool ability or even a superpower. He knew he was something dangerous and ugly.
Old enough to hide this side of him. Old enough to not want to even understand why that even happened. Old enough to hate this so much he wasn't even able to try to understand.
And of course, at some point the thought that maybe, this thing could be cool. He had some knowledge of comic books and cool action movies. Maybe something like this could be nice?
He was twelve when the wrongness started.
Rage filled him. Sadness to, even though felling sad ended up making him angry, and felling angry made him sad. Some bullshit paradox or whatever.
He was twelve when, after a month of itchiness under his skin, non-stop sweat, of feeling eyes on him, hearing things no one should, of seeing the world as he was wearing glasses, even though he always had perfect vision.
A month of horror and strong feelings. A month were goddamn Tommy Hagan was there by his side. A month were Steve was always on the verge of snapping, were every thing felt different, familiar and strange at the same time, were he didn't even understand himself, Tommy Hagan was always there.
What the Monster made Steve feel cemented that what came to happen to him was not a nice and cool thing.
Their relationship up to that moment was what you would expect from two dumb, popular kids. They would laugh and not pay attention to shit on class, would yell jokes and giggle at the most stupid things. They would go to each other houses, order pizza and drink stupid amounts of soda, would watch TV all evening, and when, late at night, when the schedule would end, they would grab the last Atari edition they had and would yell at the game like the most important thing in their life's was just passing the stupid hard phase some stupid adult nerd made.
When the wrongness started, what would become "King Steve" also started. Even though Steve, in the begging at least, never really wanted to be such an asshole.
Just like Steve, Tommy also had his secrets. Asshole parents, shit-good for nothing dad and sad drunk mom. Tommy had some older-siblings as well, a sister Steve's almost sure became somewhat of a whore? That's what he would imagine by the amount of bad things that his friend would say about her, but by that logic she could very well just decided to be independent and not be forced to marry a man 20 years older than her.
He had a brother too. He was a mean kid and became a horrible adult. Just like their father and just like Steve's father. Just like Steve's terrified to be, and just like Tommy's destined to become.
They were both dumb and scared kids. Steve started to act off at school because his whole world was feeling of and the whole school started staring.
Tommy just did what he knew. Growing up in a family that, differently from Steve's quiet and lonely house, his always had unbearable noise and screams. Tommy knew how to handle people talking. To bad that he learned that from his father.
During that month, both of them changed. Steve went through an actual physical adjustment, while Tommy shifted the way he was perceived.
Tommy started to become a mean kid.
And for a mean kid to grow into a horrible adult it first needs to be an asshole teenager.
With the intention of protecting Steve during whatever crisis he was going thru, Tommy started to act like an asshole to anyone who looked weird at Steve. And, as he started acting mean and violent to anyone around that he didn't like, that would make them fear you.
Eventually, that fear would make him unstoppable.
And yes, Steve also ended up as an asshole, we all know that. We all got to meet the absolute garbage that he was at school. But the difference is simple. While Tommy actively transformed into a asshole, Steve already had it in his DNA.
In this personality limbo that everyone goes thru when they are in middle school, Tommy could've been someone nice. Tommy could've changed his future, could've beaten the expectations that he, just like his father and older brother, would end up being a horrible adult. But Steve knows it wasn't his fault. If Tommy were friends with a nicer kid, or simply a kid that didn't come from a hostile and cruel family like him, he could've been different.
Not that it matters anyway, Tommy was just the first victim of whatever beast lives inside of his mind. Tommy didn't have to do anything to help Steve when everyday he showed up to school looking like he just walked 10 miles in the middle of a forest, still feeling lost and confused as if he was in one. But he knows Tommy also didn't choose to help him. Steve was the one that looked at him for help.
Steve was the one that, even after that first month, even after that first night, even after knowing what he was, still went after Tommy. Steve was the one who had the actual strong bite that Tommy started to use around school. Steve was the one people actually looked up to.
He used to think it was the Monster. The Monster was the one who made him in to this asshole. The same made Tommy an asshole teenager. Made them these fragile and unstable characters in this fucked up system. Made them popular, good at fucking parties tricks, good at fucking woman, good at fucking up peoples faces and good at drinking enough alcohol to forget about things that just establish that you are in fact just like your dad.
He used to think that this Monster was the one who made people like him, just for him hurt them later. He used to think that this attention he thrived under was just this Monsters need to feel seen. That all his mistakes and shit actions came from this dark part stuck inside himself.
He used to think that this Monster was the one making him feel all weird, having those strange urges to do weird things. Weird things like sniffing something that brings him comfort or wanting to lick some pretty girl.
Making him want to smell and lick Tommy. Make him have the disgusting urge to want to hold and kiss his goddamn best friend. The Monster was making him feel like a fag.
So the Monster was a bad thing. Whatever power the Monster had over him could get him killed just by making he feel things. Steve didn't even want to imagine if someone saw it.
The ambiguous rage he felt when Tommy started dating Carol was the first time Steve wished to kill the Monster. Steve was so angry with this whole situation that he was ready to end his own life if it would mean getting rid of the grotesque beast inside him.
After all, even during the beginning of the wrongness, it was pretty established in Steve's mind that not only this Monster was a curse to his mind and body as it was equally hurtful for those around him.
Starting High School was the moment when whatever doubts that the Monster didn't have a direct affect on his life and person went away. He knew that what was happening to him wasn't normal. He knew about old campfire tales and scary horror films and had a pretty good hunch that when his body broke and forced itself to change after an agonizing day of non-stop itchiness and sensibility, he became a fucking wolf. Not exactly a wolf per say, because wolfs can't walk on two legs and don't have wide shoulders, but Steve refuses to call himself for what he really is.
He also knew that this meant he wasn't fully human either. He existed in this limbo of neither a person nor animal. He knew he could smell things no one else could or even should in the first place. He didn't understand it at first, but now he even knows how to distinct emotions. He could see things quicker than others, could see in the dark as it was day, could see things far away with the details if the same was 5 centimeters from his eyes. He could hear almost every single sound for like 9 miles.
Of course all of this was somewhat nice. He loved being able to read and understand almost anyone without having to even spare a glance at them. He loved using his eyes to see what exact movement his opponent in basketball is about to do based on a flicker of a muscle no one even knew about. He loved being able to move around at night without having to fear the things he couldn't see due the dark. He loved hearing gossip all around school, loved hearing test answers being muttered by the nerdy nervous kid in front of the class.
Something about this curse had to be useful. He learned to use whatever heightened senses came with the Monster. And truly, in the begging Steve felt like he was going to die, with the amount of noises banging in his head, and the insane amount of smells he was being constantly harassed by, or the blinding lights that felt like they pierced his eyes.
All that to say that upon entering the horrors that is school in bum-fuck Hawkins, he wasn't the kid that Tommy "protected" like it was his job anymore. Tommy didn't stop being an asshole or whatever he thought he was. And Steve didn't want to be alone. There friendship wasn't the same anymore, now he had a girlfriend, they were to old to spend their days laughing and watching TV.
They both just felt into what everyone around them thought of them. Tommy being amazed of the power that it gave him. Steve out of the fear of someone seeing what he had inside.
They stopped talking about anything slightly personal, but that's mainly Steve's fault, he started to hide every private aspect of his life to everyone. They couldn't know he was a creep, a weirdo, or god forbid a fucking freak.
The best word to summarize their relationship was probably cold. Yeah, someone else could find a weird word that sounds more like a disease than an…adjective? (He didn't really like english as a whole, be the class or just the need to talk,). Could be something like, glacial, or bitter, or like, gelid.
Anyways, that's not important, Stevie here works better with examples. Tommy and Steve's friendship became something like a business transaction. As both of them just really talked due their "best-friends" reputation. They only talked about other people, the new kids, people from other classes and grades, their popular pears, never about themselves.
And obviously, it was due the fear that anyone would have if they had to deal with the same shit he had.
Tommy became a bitter teenager, so what. Steve already had to deal with his own bitterness. He had to deal with a lot more than his or Tommy petty actions. He had a fucking Monster inside him for god's sake. He didn't really give a fuck about other's. Which in retrospective, was fairly horrible of him.
And he knows that. He is trying to be better. Better then what he was and is bound to forever be.
Not caring about other people in general during freshman, sophomore and almost half of junior wasn't even the worst part. Steve's mind was being corrupted by the Monster. He thought it was only his emotions or feeling's, not his actions.
He doesn't remember the exact month or year this started happening, he just remembers the pain of being alone. Alone in a cold house where his parent's were never home. Parent's that may or may not be like him. That in either case asking them will hurt so much. Friend's that are almost as hollow and full of emotions as him. In a town of superficial opinion. Were nobody will ever see each other truly for what they are.
Those deep thoughts scared Steve. He didn't think this hard about stuff. But nevertheless thinking about this started to hurt. And once he realized that after the hurt of breaking bones and shifting muscles, he didn't really need to think about any of that.
He called it turning. Just the adjective. He still didn't want to name whatever folklore beast he knew he was. Turning into the Monster, or rather letting it out instead of fighting it till the pain was unbearable and only when he was at the brink of passing out letting it take control, was so much better.
Steve also learned that, when thinking got to much, he could turn at anytime of the month. He started to feel lighter. Happy even, though that could just be one of many feelings from the Monster that bleeds to his own.
Turning now was calm. It didn't even hurt anymore. Not really. The unnatural form he needed to break in, to later on shift into a other more natural form was always going to happen. Be it human to Monster, or Monster to human. The pain started to feel good in a way. He knew he would stop thinking about his loneliness. His consciousnesses would shut down. But not in a sleeping way. He felt actually good. He would run and jump and howl. He would feel free in a way no human would ever be.
He felt free of the false liberty humans put themselves under. He felt free of feeling like a human. And when his little stupid human part would see that he was feeling to much of a Monster, the pain of punishment would come right away, and his mind would still be in the limbo of unreason and false freedom.
School was weird, he never really felt alive there. His skin itched non-stop. He felt people all around. Only when surrounded by people that the loneliness his Monster felt became visible. Or so he thought. Maybe the insufferable loneliness he felt at home was never only his own. Perhaps it always were the Monster's. (He didn't really believe it, or care for that matter).
The only thing he actually was worried about was hiding the Monster. Just because he felt comfortable enough to let this bit of himself out home alone, never meant someone else could see it. So he still was Tommy's friend, still acted like he was untouchable. Still had a rough and scary reputation. Still was the heartthrob that the Monster thrived on. Was the star basketball player he let his instinct's go wild.
The Monster was still there, but Steve still had the upper hand. He never stopped needing to pay attention on superficial gossip. Something that made him famous at parties. Another place he could let a little part of is instincts out and fuck the life out of someone. He learned having stronger senses and all that shebang really helped him in any physical activity.
He got the fame, the attention, the talent, nice hair, rich parents, rich friends and a strong body. People would kill for what he had. At least what people knew he had.
Things started to happen when Nancy Wheeler, the perfect and pretty girl one year below started to show interest on him. At first, as already predefined, Steve didn't give a fuck about anyone right? Girls were always trowing themselves at him. He hooked up with almost everyone of them, yes, but he knew what Nancy was looking for. He could smell it. She herself didn't know it yet.
She wanted a relationship with him. She wanted to know at least a piece of Steve's mind.
And obviously that terrified him. He felt her eyes on him and he would start to sweat. He would go to his house and run. Run fast without stopping. Neither wanting to go somewhere nor stay at the same place. And after a week of non-stop cuts and scabs from the forest, the thought that really made him scared was the fact no one ever wanted to know a bit of him.
Sure, Tommy, at the begging of it all In the middle of the worried looks, once or twice asked him if something was going on. Not wanting to make Steve feel worse saying that he looked like death, but at the same time scared of being honest with him.
No one ever wanted to get to know him. Not that he blames anyone. The Monster isn't the only thing he hides. He's always been like this.
So, as he came to learn, at any hint of attention, the Monster will not stop bothering him to get access to it.
Nancy Wheeler was definitely an interesting person. She was not like any other girl around their age at least. Well, any girl he actually talked to. He did quite enjoy the funny looks she send his way. Like she was trying to look deeper at him, but ultimately got to distracted and forgets her curiosity.
So for some few weeks he entertained her. Made funny noises and poses in the corridor to get her attention, said even more stupid shit than normal and kissed her here and there.
And those weeks felt just as good when his human mind shuts off when he turned. He felt like someone for the first time in forever didn't just think of him as a decoration. Someone actually felt his presence.
He wished that whatever Nancy ever saw in him didn't go away the moment Barb went missing from his yard, but he knows it did.
Whatever hell came to Hawkins in November of 83' fucked with a lot of people.
And he knows it would've probably fucked with him a lot more if he didn't turn into a Monster every now and then but oh well.
Normally, when you discover another dimension, your whole world view crumbles to the floor. You fell hopeless and useless and all that shit just because your world never will be the same. Which is totally valid, just something that for Steve not only already happened, but something that crosses his mind at least five times a day.
He did fell useless when Jonathan had weird stalker photos of him and Nancy. He did fell useless when even after getting revenge on Jonathan's weird behavior, Nancy didn't want to talk to him. He felt angry seeing Nancy with the pervert. He felt useless when Tommy and Carol just started vandalizing the movie theater "in his defense" without ever asking him.
He felt scared when he let Jonathan punch the fuck out of him. Scared of fighting back and killing the other man. But as long as people thought he was weak, no one would care enough to pay attention to him.
He felt rather weird seeing whatever that creepy ass tall humanoid with no face on top of Jonathan Byers was.
And he felt everything during that encounter. Even if he was just trying to survive, he cold feel Nancy's eyes flicking over to him in awe and to Jonathan in worry. He could feel his muscles growing stronger. And, most of all, he felt the way whatever thing he was fighting could feel him too.
The ugly naked creature could see he wasn't a normal human. Steve really doesn't know what sense he subconsciously activated to notice this, but he knew. And once he understood what that meant, his wolf screamed in anger.
He couldn't even try to read Nancy's and Jonathan's feelings, everything was buzzing. Everything started to move in an agonizing slow pace, and desperation kicked in.
He felt wild. In a blink, he almost killed the Thing with a nail bat. Hitting it with so much force that if it were human, the body would've already been unrecognizable.
When the Thing stopped moving Jonathan threw fire at it. It just became a pile of goo on the middle of the hall.
He did fell useless when he realized he couldn't save Barb. Or rather, helped Nancy to find that out. Or even find a way to help her in the aftermath of the end of 83'.
He also did feel hopeless knowing that he just felt more bitter and lonely. Hopeless knowing that now the weird feeling the Monster had for certain people would be stuck in nothingness his mind became when he turned.
So, having your world view turned upside down never really was a problem to Steve. It never really bothered him.
After that November, his biggest fear was of himself.
Well, it was more of what was inside him that actually himself but who cares, it was inside him the Monster was.
And now he truly hates the Monster. Actually despises it. Really wishes whatever inside him could burn away in agony.
He learned to never hate a part of himself, for those who hate something about themselves will never grow into their full potential, Stephen.
But again. Who fucking cares! Nobody even knows about the Monster! Sure, the town laughs thinking there's a wolf in Indiana. They think it's impossible. But overall, they don't even care about the woods.
Some fear them. Thinks the forest eats children and spit them out all changed.
Some fewer know that the forest that does that belongs in another world.
Hawkins is cursed. The dumb myths of wolf-like Monsters and other dimensions are true. And both of them are at the same fucking place. At the same superficial and mean town.
And he hates it. Hates he needs to hide both of them. Hates that he always needs to put this mask on and pretend that he actually cares about petty school drama.
God he hates school.
84' ended up being even worse in the bad category of thing's.
He missed the innocence that he had before. He missed being able to coexist only with the strangest inside him.
He could feel the traces of whatever ghoulish and macabre other dimension existed now.
(Can you tell he's studying for english? He hates english. It's way easier to speak trough actions. Steve wishes sometimes he could just end language. Especially when you consider most harmful things someone can do to you are through mean words. He know that pretty well, thanks his parents, Tommy, as other kids at school and Nancy Wheeler.)
The traces were always there, he just learned to recognize them. He could fell the fear the other world had of the Monster. He didn't know if the fear he felt was due that fact or due the Monster.
He felt to much. It was a dizziness amount of feeling's outside and inside of him. Time was becoming linear again. When he turns, time didn't really matter. Thinking about it made him fell to much again.
He couldn't escape fells anymore. Everywhere he looked, everything he thought exploded inside him. Whether that was his house, school, basketball, the other dimension or just food.
He did rule out that people did cause more feelings, so he focused on not thinking about anyone at all. Let that be Nancy, teachers and classmates or Tommy.
Whatever carnal wish the Monster has with Nancy and Tommy scared him. It was really funny, Steve just cried in the pitch black of the forest after running miles and miles. He cried because thinking about what this wish meant hurt.
He passed his junior year. Thank god he only had one more year. (But at the same time Steve feels that the only thing keeping him alive is the motivation to hide the Monster from people. The only thing keeping him tethered on earth was the mask he knew he had to put on. He is terrified of life when no one will be looking at him anymore. That hurt too).
The Monster hated the Dinner's with the Holland's. He barely could eat at them. During the meals it was the Monster who had control over his stomach.
Nancy was slipping away. The Monster was rather desperate with this fact. For some reason Steve could care less about being alone. He felt cold and bitter with Nancy. The Monster just saw another human and clinged to them as a lifeline. Apparently, both him and the Monster liked to get hurt by people they cared about.
Tommy was angry. Angry that Steve stopped talking to him. The Monster was angry with him as well. That made Steve angry. This whole situation would even exist if the disgusting feeling the Monster gave him didn't exist.
The feeling finally ended with the arrival of Billy Hargrove and the shift of power in High School.
October actually came with a lot of shift's. The town became colder. The feeling of coexistence with the other world became stronger. Whatever the dormant power under the town was doing this past year, shifted as well.
School was hell again. And now, he didn't have Tommy at all. And he never really had Nancy, and being the mean and toxic receptacle of the Monster he knows he is, he never could have anyone else.
So, the days were only getting sadder and uglier. Pretending became even more insufferable. Billy and Tommy were always at the back of his mind, laughing at him. Billy even more on his mind, the looks this creep gave him made the Monster growl inside of him.
Tommy became the poisoned bitter version that he feared. The transition of the mean kid to the horrible teenager had ended due Billy. If Steve didn't see better, he would certainly believe that the other men had a monster inside just like him. He saw himself fully consumed by the Monster in the other.
Everyday he was more and more scared of the Monster exploding out of Steve's control.
Then, after an overflow of feels from every aspect of the world, November start's with a bang. He again wishes it wasn't true, but he knows better then to lie to himself. November is when his view of the world really shifts.
It hurt's at first. A habitat he always thrived in shifted to an hostile and cold place. Nancy shows him what she saw on him. Makes it clear that whatever tiny hope Steve ever had of her seeing behind the mask of fear he put on fades away in a rather ridiculous way. Because she also has a mask. And he saw behind hers. He knew she was struggling. He was here for her.
But he is bullshit. And that's fine. Just as everything else, whatever they had would turn bitter and sour at some point.
He remembers that the ugly thing inside him couldn't accept being alone. In a failed attempt of apologizing to Nancy (and it would have failed even without any interference), he found himself with a kid.
A big part of the insanity of everything that happened that month were due the sheer number of insane things happening at the same time. And the kid he would soon grow very found of was one of the most if not the top weirdest thing he came in contact with.
Dustin Henderson started talking about a lizard that became some sort of tiny Demogorgon (That apparently was one of the many names inspired by their nerd board game given to the creepy other world creatures). He kept talking even after they did rule out that he had in fact feed and tried to adopt a Demo-dog. He talked a lot.
And during the mess of feelings that Steve was, he found an unbearable comfort in the young's boy company.
This emotion came to fully establish it self meeting the other two kid's he would now rather die a million times then see them suffer. Lucas Sinclair and Max Mayfield came to only confuse Steve even more.
When luring became hiding, the Monster took over again. He kill's two of them. It definitely scare's them. But not enough to run away. They ended up following the 4 legged creatures.
It's scary at first. He thinks the scary thing is being responsible for these 3 kids, when the actual scary thing was having to hold himself back from just grabbing them and stealing them forever.
Holding the Monster back from turning and licking the kids. Having a felling for people stronger than anything he had felt for anyone up to this point.
They eventually found Nancy and Jonathan. He could smell the fear and discomfort from Byers. But from Nancy he could only smell her determination. He knew what they did. Their body's were handing every information he needed to know in a silver plate.
It would hurt later on. His mind only had one actual mission, that being looking out for the 3 stray kids that found him.
The Byers house was a mess, the feelings were all wrong. The Monster was freaking out. But at that moment so was everyone else so Steve wasn't so scared of not being able to act proper.
Everything felt so off. He almost could see the grief in the air. The little Byers kid had a part of the other world screaming inside, Nancy's younger brother was going trough an insane amount of emotions, the Chief was looking for an excuse to just shoot someone dead and they all were talking about nerd metaphors? Analogy's? Who cares, Steve's job was protection. That was the only certainty he had.
The magical girl came eventually, saved their asses before Steve could even try to swing the bat (feeling Jonathan's and Nancy's eyes on him, unconsciously making the monster and him aware that they whished for his protection).
The weirdness of the night continued, they all separated and parted in order to close whatever gate existed. That was the first time he realized just closing one gate would not end whatever mess of trails that dark place left.
Steve's view of the world fully change, is the moment hes left alone to protect the kids. The moment he faces Billy attacking the kids is the moment the reason he hides the Monster shifts.
Unlike Jonathan last year, fighting someone while holding back a beast inside you now became some sort of advantage. He kicked Billy's ass, he counted that as a win (even though Max did look terrified of whatever consequence she would have to deal with later on).
He went with the kids to the tunnels. Went because if he didn't, they would go without him. He went because every fiber in his body was itching for him to not go.
They got into Steve's car and drove to the cracks of both worlds. They threw fire at them, which in retrospect, not Dustin's best idea, but it did get the job done.
The following week's were fun. Steve got to finally know the kids, his mind now didn't fight the disgusting feeling's the Monster gave him as much. He could be somewhat normal for a while. He started driving them around (especially Dustin with whatever transportation problem he had daily). He helped Max with her brother (and her dates with Lucas). Helped to look out for them in general he guesses.
He did turn rather often as well. This face down with the Upside Down freaked him out more then he would've imagined. But turning didn't have the same effect anymore. He could not feel the freedom and calmness he felt. His Monster entered into a limbo again, no longer taking control of all the wrongness on his life, finally becoming only a tiny worry for mundane days.
At least Billy stopped being a problem. That had been nice. Tommy did start to look at him with a strange emotion. But they did stop bugging him. School was doable again, he still saw everybody, still could feel everything, but now he had a purpose or some shit.
That kept on till the end of senior year.