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Tension.
What he felt was tension.
The sort of tension that winded itself around the entire body like thorny vines and drew one's breath away with each passing second.
The kind of tension that felt like walking on a tightrope that could lead to a long, dark fall to one's imminent death with just a single misstep.
The type of tension that drowned even the most solid fortresses in its wake.
And to Choi Hyunjoon it was an all too familiar feeling, dare he even say an old companion that had followed him like a shadow throughout his career so far.
One would think that winning Worlds would make the pressure that comes with this feeling lessen tremendously.
And of course, if anyone asked him that at the moment, he would readily agree that there was definitely a newfound level of confidence and ease thrumming underneath the layer of mental strain that only came with the proof of earning the title of being the best of the entire world.
But deep down Hyunjoon knew, the insecure seed of his young self, that had grown stubborn and steadfast over the past few years, wasn't going to back down and stop whispering all the doubts, hate and insecurities that come with being a professional e-athlete.
Thoughts of his success and feats at Worlds merely being a fluke.
Thoughts of having to perform well not only because of said achievement but also to be an example to his newest "old" teammate and precious dongsaeng, Suhwan.
Thoughts of being the first one to blame if their first ever match at LCK after Worlds ended with an one-sided loss.
However, Hyunjoon trusted his skills.
He knew that worrying any further was only going to affect his plays negatively.
So he closed his eyes for a second to take a deep breath. Letting the past two matches of the series against HLE and the current draft's comms wash over him, drowning out all the past mistakes and doubts to channel his focus back to this match.
Each approving remark to his input for the draft sharpening his resolve.
And once his eyes opened again, he was calm.
"Give me Akali."
They won.
After almost 30 minutes, they took the final game and won their first match at the LCK.
And they did well. Both objectively and subjectively.
Joy should be the first thing to rush through Hyunjoon's body.
But all Hyunjoon could register was the residue of adrenaline coursing through his body, his hands freezing up from the drowned out tension that broke through again after his focus dropped and suddenly shivers — or perhaps post-game jitters that came with the sudden spotlight — shook his body as he tried to stretch out the tension.
With a small, shaky breath he scrambled to stand, his vision turning into a blurry mess as he can't find his jacket at its usual spot straightaway.
After quickly retracing his steps and carefully scanning his surroundings, Hyunjoon spotted the jacket on his right and immediately dived for it, not even bothering to check it, throwing it on just as fast so he could line up with the others for the post-match fist bumps.
With each step towards HLE, Hyunjoon could feel the warmth and weight of the jacket encasing him, gradually easing him back to a tranquil state of mind.
The view of Oner's broad back in front of him seemed to do just as much of a good job of calming his nerves as the jacket did. Something about the way today's match proved to him again how much the top laner could depend on his jungler both on and outside of the rift.
Hyunjoon had to bite back a smile at the thought as he started bowing and bumping fists with his friends and former teammates, so he didn't seem rude to them for smiling after they just lost the match.
(Even though, Hyunjoon knew that they would never think ill of him. They loved him too much for that. But well, insecurities do have their petty mean streak to them.)
Once they bowed to the crowd, the team went back to their places to pack up and do their individual winning ceremonies.
When the camera panned to Hyunjoon, he could hear the audience get drastically louder, some whispers and giggles amongst the cheers reaching his ears. Usually, he wouldn't give it any second thoughts as it was a common occurrence and with the Worlds title added to his achievements, he was slightly aware that he became a bit more popular.
However, for some reason, today felt different. As if their whispers weren't necessarily about his performance or the match in general. But Hyunjoon was tired, his brain fried and he really shouldn't burn off any more brain cells on something meaningless as gossip amongst fans.
Slightly agitated and severely exhausted — the lack of sleep after another long session of SoloQs the night/morning before the match finally catching up to him — Hyunjoon tried to pack everything up quickly, give some quick bows to the crowds and run backstage.
"Just a few more interviews and photos and then you're done for today, Hyunjoon-ah," he muttered under his breath over and over again like a mantra to himself, his steps growing steadier with the promise of maybe rest and a satisfying dinner keeping him awake and motivated.
Backstage, Hyunjoon was all of a sudden hyper aware of the gazes following his every move as he slithered through the groups of people.
That confused Hyunjoon.
Were his plays today that controversial to be the center of everyone's attention?
Like sure, he did some misplays in the first game, the second was alright and there were some plays with the Akali that didn't exactly go as he initially planned in the last one but he still successfully pulled it off in the end.
But maybe that was just his subjective perception of the match and everyone else thought otherwise.
Maybe he should just skip the rest, order some food and immediately get back to the practice room to dissect the match in silence and get some more practice in before the official practice session begins again tomorrow.
The tension that settled before the match came crashing down on him in a heartbeat again.
The voice of his past self crept back to the front of his mind, whispering words laced with venom into his ears.
Back again, telling him how Hyunjoon wasn't done proving his worth on this team.
Back again, telling him how he was nothing but a fluke.
Back again, telling him how the world will never see the effort he puts in every day because, at the end of the day, all they truly care about are flashy plays and kills (and even then he knows all too well that those alone won't be enough as well).
Hyunjoon felt his chest tighten as the words crowding his mind grow harsher, his hand unconsciously gripping the sleeve's end of the jacket engulfing him tightly in hopes of the warmth and weight of the jacket giving him some relief from the pain his mind is subjecting him to.
His fragile heart was growing weary underneath the pressure and suddenly breathing felt like a chore. Each intake prickling in his lung as if he was breathing shards of glass.
Hyunjoon needed an out.
He needed to get out of this building as fast as possible.
But all of a sudden, a staff called out to him, asking him to follow them for an interview.
Hyunjoon couldn't help but nod, letting his body move on autopilot to give himself the mental capacity to scrap together enough brain cells to survive this, even though his heart was screaming for him to stop and flee.
He could feel tears forming in the corner of his eyes from the sheer overstimulation of the clashing thoughts in his mind, his restless body enhancing each thought viciously.
He really needed it to stop.
But he couldn't…it wouldn't suddenly stop just because Hyunjoon wanted it to.
So he was ready to just give in and let it drown—
"Hyunjoon-hyung!"
Hyeonjun's loud voice pierced through the heavy fog clouding Hyunjoon's mind, clearing it in an instant and Hyunjoon felt himself breathe comfortably again as soon as he turned towards Hyeonjun and he saw the latter striding towards him with big steps.
"Hyunjoon-hyung, take that jacket off!"
"What?" Hyunjoon let out, confused and flustered by the sudden request from the other.
Hyeonjun in return just had an amused grin on his face and pointed at him.
"Take it off immediately!" Hyeonjun said more insistent now.
Hyunjoon looked at the younger with questions marks written all over his face.
"Why?"
Why did Oner suddenly want him to take his jacket off?
Why now when it was the only thing keeping him floating above the crashing waves of the storm brewing in his own traitorous mind?
He didn't want to let go off that safety net.
"What do you mean 'Why'? Look!" Hyeonjun huffed with no heat to his words, thrusting another jacket towards Hyunjoon with the word 'DORAN' written on the back of it.
It took Hyunjoon exactly 10 seconds, before his brain stopped buffering and it finally clicked that the warm and reassuring jacket draped over Hyunjoon's shoulders was in fact not his own but the other Hyeonjun's.
As soon as the realisation hit him, Hyunjoon could feel his entire body flush in embarrassment, his body moving quicker than his mind, shedding the jacket from his body and with barely shaking hands holding it out to Hyeonjun to swap their jackets back.
"I'm so sorry, Oner-ya!" Hyunjoon whispered under his breath, just audible enough for the other to hear. "I didn't mean to—"
"Are you alright, hyung?" Hyeonjun interrupted him, his tone showing no signs of the question being an accusatory interrogation but only sincere concerns for his Hyunjoon-hyung. And honestly, Hyunjoon could feel himself wanting to jump into the other's arms and cry.
But he didn't, since they weren't alone unfortunately and they still had a plethora of interviews to do. So all he did was give Hyeonjun a small smile and a nod. "Don't worry, it will pass quickly."
And before Hyunjoon could pull away to get going again — the staff persistently calling out for him — Hyeonjun leaned closer back in to whisper something into his ear.
"Meet me later?"
'Later' came after another couple of hours of PR work and post-match discussions.
The tension in everyone's demeanour has finally dissipated from all the casual banter and the promise of dinner together.
As they were discussing possible options for their team meal, Hyeonjun suddenly stood up and went on about how he had some plans and they should eat without him.
Minseok, obviously, didn't buy it at first, saying something along the lines of Hyeonjun trying to sneak his way out of paying the meal.
But once Hyunjoon took the hint in Hyeonjun's gaze cast towards him and joined in on Hyeonjun's claim, the protests from Minseok died down and everyone just looked at them with knowing smiles — some teasing remarks thrown after them — as the two of them exited the room together.
As soon as they left LoL Park with Hyeonjun's car, Hyunjoon couldn't help but finally let a sigh of relief out as he took in the already dark city streets with only the streetlights brightening the scenery, albeit blurry as they breezed through the streets. The bottled up feelings and aftershocks of his overthinking mind, at last, finding their way to be released into the nothingness of the late evening.
At the sound of his exasperated sigh, Hyeonjun seemed to have gotten a grasp of what had happened at the match but didn't seem to comment on it.
What he did instead was to pull up a playlist of Hyunjoon's favourite songs, gently putting his hand on Hyunjoon's thigh, giving it a few quick squeezes before he let it linger on it, his thumb drawing soft circles against it.
And honestly? That was everything Hyunjoon needed in that moment.
No big pep talk.
No deep conversation about his feelings.
No expectations for the truth.
Just silent, grounding physical support and an unsaid "I'm here if you need me".
A smile tugged at Hyunjoon's lips, he turned to Hyeonjun and whispered a sincere "Thank you".
Hyeonjun reciprocated the smile with a warm one of his own.
"Of course."
—
Once they arrived at the dorms, packed their stuff away and did their individual nightly routine, they found themselves again in each other's arms in Hyeonjun's bed.
But even as they were now basking in each other's warmth, no words were exchanged.
Even if they were known to be the loud bickering duo of the bunch, their love was expressed the loudest in the quiet moments between them when they let their actions speak for themselves.
Buying each other food when the other was feeling down.
Giving each other massages to calm the nerves.
Sharing drinks and heat packs.
Stealing each other's phones to set reminders for simple self maintaining things that easily were forgotten amidst their busy schedules.
Or just like what they did now in the safety of their bedroom:
Quietly arm in arm on the bed, soft patterns drawn onto each other's arms, shoulder, back and hips, only mellow hums and breaths exchanged amongst each other as if this was their own kind of silent exchange of encouragement and affection.
Their secret language.
—
"Did you really not notice, hyung?" Hyeonjun suddenly broke the silence. His voice a bit raspy as if he was about to fall asleep to the rhythm of their synced heartbeats.
Hyunjoon let out a questioning hum in return, not ready to use words yet but open to hear what Hyeonjun wanted to know.
"The jacket," Hyeonjun said, "Did you really not notice that you were wearing mine?"
There was a small smirk dancing in the tone of the question which made Hyunjoon roll his eyes, before he looked at Hyeonjun who already greeted him with a smug expression.
"Oh, stop looking at me all proud of yourself!" Hyunjoon huffed, playfully shoving against Hyeonjun's chest with a pout.
"Oh, please just let me have this, Hyunjoonie-hyung," Hyeonjun returned, his own lips puckered to a pout. "It's not every day that I get to witness my boyfriend walking around with my name on his back for everyone to see. So of course I'm curious."
Hyunjoon hummed at his explanation and let the words just hang in the air as he thought over his own words.
"If I'm being honest…" Hyunjoon started, feeling Hyeonjun stare intensifying, "I actually didn't notice it at all."
"Not even while you were walking around backstage?"
Hyunjoon thought back to the time backstage. "Nope, not at all." He shook his head and shrugged. "I did notice the stares of everyone but I just thought that were the usual silent, judgemental stares I get after most likely another semi-unsatisfying performance from me despite the win."
"Hyung…" Hyeonjun's grip around Hyunjoon's waist tightened, his breath hitching.
Hyunjoon could hear the strings of thoughts forming in Hyeonjun's head, the ugly turn they were taking as the light in his eyes dim and his brows furrow in worry. But Hyunjoon wouldn't let the other spiral any further. He did enough overthinking for the two of them alone already.
So he cupped Hyeonjun's face and pressed a gentle kiss against the other's lips.
"I told you, didn't I?" Hyunjoon whispered softly as he rested his forehead against Hyeonjun's. "It will pass quickly. You don't have to worry."
Hyeonjun seemed to swallow his words back down at that. His eyes still filled with concern for Hyunjoon but he tried his best not to show it too much.
"You sure?" Hyeonjun just asked, his hand now slowly trailing upwards until it grasped Hyunjoon's hand on his cheek. "It really wasn't bad?"
Hyunjoon couldn't help but smile at Hyeonjun's cute prodding.
"Yes, Hyeonjun-ah."
His thumb was starting to draw small circles against Hyeonjun's cheek, an attempt to try to reassure and calm Hyeonjun down.
"Just a minor setback. But I got over it."
"Really?" Hyeonjun asked again, this time lifting Hyunjoon's hand to press it against his lips. "You promise me, you will tell me if it's really bad?"
A kiss against Hyunjoon's fingertips.
"You won't just bottle it all up until you break?"
A kiss to the palm of his hand.
"You will come to me to share your burden, right?"
A final long kiss to his pulse point.
Hyunjoon felt his heart swell at the amount of love Hyeonjun was spilling out to him. The sincerity and warmth of each word and kiss washing over him like cherry blossoms on a warm spring day. Showing him how precious and loved Hyunjoon was to him. As if he was the only good thing in the world worth fighting for.
And then Hyunjoon couldn't hold back the giggles escaping his lips as Hyeonjun's breath tickled his skin and the intensity in his eyes made Hyunjoon bashful.
"Of course, my love," Hyunjoon finally said, "I promise to come to you immediately if my mind gets too loud again."
Hyunjoon sealed that promise with a kiss on Hyeonjun's hand in return.
"You better," was all Hyeonjun said before he pulled Hyunjoon close to himself again. At last letting all the worries fade out.
"I love you, hyung," Hyeonjun whispered into Hyunjoon's hair, his breathing slowly evening out and Hyunjoon knew that the younger one was ready to pass out.
So he pulled up the blanket, making sure to tuck both of them in properly, before he buried himself into Hyeonjun's chest.
"I love you too, Hyeonjun-ah. Always will."
Finally, they both fell asleep to the rhythm of their heartbeats in the sanctuary which they had build together brick by brick over the past year.
Something they could call their home.