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Soobin hadn’t had a terrible day. If he had to be honest, it was quite fine. Nothing too bad but nothing too great had happened either.
He went to class in the morning, listened to a bunch of nothing while he slid the tip of his pen on the edges of his notebook. He didn’t bother to doodle something cute, just spread the black ink on the blank spaces of the paper because he liked the feeling in his hand.
When he decided he had to pay some attention to what the professor was saying, since he didn’t work so hard to get into college for nothing, he came to the conclusion that he just couldn’t. Not when his mind had been somewhere else entirely since the moment he had his breakfast.
He was distracted, to say the least. ‘Are you even getting this?’ were the words running around in his mind while he practically burned a hole on the whiteboard in front of him but read none of the words written on it. ‘You shouldn't even bother. Why are you even here? Anyone else but you should be sitting in that chair.’
Not the nicest words to tell himself, but he had grown used to it by now.
When he was finished with all of his classes, he headed to his internship in a rush, a daily routine for him since he got the opportunity to work at a local radio station that broadcasted a sports program in the evenings. Soobin was majoring in Journalism, minoring in Sports Journalism, so it was quite fortunate for him when he got the job.
Some days, when he had too many lectures in the morning, the schedule was tight. His last class would end half an hour before the broadcasting started, so he had to run from the building to the studio. Fortunately, it was close enough to campus so he could make it right on time.
It was a fun internship, actually. The people in there, though… they were the complete opposite.
While they didn’t mistreat him, he knew damn well what kind of people they were. Soobin might be naive sometimes, but he wasn’t either blind nor stupid. He knew they pretended to be nice and welcoming, always brushing mistakes off with a laid back ‘don’t worry about it’ ready on the tip of their tongues.
But their rattles would shake acutely when he left the room, gossiping and giggling about every little thing he did wrong.
As if Soobin wasn’t there with the goddamned purpose to learn.
But it wasn’t just with him, it was with everyone. Nobody was safe from the snake pit that was that studio. However, when it came to complaining about the late payments that were turning everybody’s lives upside down, they were all friends and family.
He guessed that’s how it worked. Their souls might be untruthful, but no employee likes their boss anyway, especially when he used the company's money to afford his reckless personal expenses while the studio was almost going bankrupt.
It had become routine for him to deal with that environment, even if it was eating him inside with each passing day.
When he sat on the metal bench of the bus stop, waiting for the bus to arrive and finally get him home, Soobin had finished work half an hour ago. The moonlight from the late night sky kissed his skin, oily from the long day he had had. His dark hair ruffled from the air current that a motorcycle passing by caused, going lightspeed, like it desperately needed to be somewhere. The loud, obnoxious noise made him squint his eyes and scratch his ears, daring to cover them up with his trembling hands to muffle the aggressive sound that left his eardrums ringing.
Everything was bugging him today.
He could feel it coming. That feeling of dread. It started slow, shy, but not unfamiliar to its home that was Soobin's idled mind. The devil’s playground, as his grandmother would say. At some point, his body would get heavier, numb to its surroundings, and the lump on his throat would only get tighter. But Soobin would never let it snap. He absolutely hated to cry.
Yet, it was getting harder and harder to hold everything in, every single day.
Truth was he didn’t know what he was doing with himself. He didn’t feel confident in what his life was turning out to be, didn’t feel capable of accomplishing the goals he had set. The twenty year old boy had always dreamed big, but never knew how to reach them.
He didn’t understand himself either. While sometimes he’d feel determined that life was just around the corner and he just had to live it however felt right to him, there were times where he’d just feel… stuck. Doubtful, afraid even. Was he reckless and adventurous or was he a coward, scared of living the joys of the gift of life?
This dreadful feeling… was he depressed or was this the consequences of his lenient parents that had never taught him the hardships of life? Had they made him lazy?
He couldn’t tell the difference.
Even though he’d just started living, Soobin already felt like a failure.
He tried to brush it all off when he felt his stomach rumbling, pitifully empty since he didn’t have time to eat dinner at the studio. At that moment, he knew that he just needed a bowl of hot steaming ramen waiting for him on the dinner table, a warm shower to wash the ugly feeling he’d been harboring all day off his skin.
And Yeonjun.
He needed Yeonjun the most right now.
Life can give you just as much as it can take from you. But if there’s one thing it could never take from Soobin, it was his love for his boyfriend, Choi Yeonjun.
Choi Yeonjun, light of his life, the source of his strength and the catalyst of whatever beauty there was inside of Soobin. The one that could make his rapid and desperate pulse slow down with a mere graze of his fingers through his hair. The one that could make him smile just by the way he squints his nose and slaps his arm, because he always falls for Soobin’s mischievous teasing.
The one that could make him see the light shining through the cracks of the walls Soobin’s built around him, because Choi Yeonjun is healing, calmness, fresh breeze of the morning beach air.
Choi Yeonjun is love.
Soobin could die talking about how much he loved him and how lucky he was to have the man love him back. And even when the moment he’d take his last breath came, merciless and inevitable, he still wouldn’t stop talking about it, because his love was undying, the only beautiful thing Soobin would ever leave to this cruel world, and it will remain eternal.
Through the love letters he wrote to his hyung during the first year of their relationship — which he still writes, but had decided to keep them an annual tradition for their anniversary, so as to not overdo it.
Through the polaroid pictures he took on their first date and hung them on his bedroom wall at the time, then on the one of their shared apartment.
Through the song he wrote to him to celebrate their third anniversary together, as well as their first apartment.
The world would never forget about the way Soobin loved Choi Yeonjun.
When the rumbling of his stomach resonated again, only this time louder, he pulled his phone from the front pocket of his crossbag placed on his lap and opened Yeonjun’s contact.
jjunie hyung <3
me
hyungie
I’ll be home in half an hour
I’m starving :(
can you cook some ramen for me?
with a slice of cheese?
pretty please? ^^
jjunie hyung <3
of course, baby
I bet you barely had the time to eat
I wish you’d have a proper meal tho
but you must be tired and I know you like cheesy ramen
so I’ll let it slide
me
you’re the best!
love you, hyung <3
Soobin frowned at his phone screen, but tried not to think of why Yeonjun didn’t text him ‘I love you’ back, since his bus had finally arrived and he had to quickly shove his phone back in his crossbag’s front pocket.
It was kind of late, so fortunately, the bus wasn’t packed with all kinds of people trying to get home from work at the same time. He sat on the individual seat next to the door, put his noise cancelling headphones on and pressed play on his playlist that had become his go-to lately. He tried to ignore the feeling of numbness that he knew was coming, growing stronger with each street the bus passed by.
When Soobin unlocked the door to his home, his eyes were heavy with drowsiness, the weight of a hard and emotionally tiring day settling on his back. As he opened the door, he cocked one eyebrow at the sight in front of him: a silent room blanketed by slight darkness.
No ‘Binnie! You’re home!’ and a sweet kiss on the cheek from his boyfriend’s soft lips, his voice so loving it could soothe any kind of pain Soobin might be feeling.
Just silence.
Their place wasn’t exactly ample, but not so small that it wouldn’t fit both of them and their big dreams.
The first thing you’d see once you opened the dark wooden door would be a modest open plan room that featured a simple kitchen and a living room, walls painted in a comforting tone of light beige and decorated with the green shades of the plants hanging on them. The window placed above the sink showcased their lovely street, now empty because of the late hour, the neighborhood preparing to rest for another day that was to come. Soobin noticed the sound of drops of water hitting the glass rapidly, a loud thunder warning that the storm the news were anticipating was finally coming.
He sighed in relief. Just in time.
Soobin loved the rain, but only when he was already inside the comfort of his cozy apartment.
Well, the kitchen showed no sign of Yeonjun being in there, nor that he'd cooked anything. The stove was clean, the sink and their small table connected to the back of the couch — which served as a division of the open plan — was empty.
That was weird. Didn't Soobin ask Yeonjun to make a quick dinner for him?
He took a few steps further and glanced at the couch. There was no source of light coming from the TV placed on the wall in front of it, the furniture was neatly tidied with fluffy pillows and a soft quilt that laid on one of its sides. Also empty. Yeonjun hadn’t fallen asleep there.
He headed to the small hallway that consisted of two doors: the bathroom’s and the bedroom’s. He didn’t hear the sound of the shower running and the bathroom light was turned off, since there was none coming from the cracks of the door, so Yeonjun wasn’t in there either.
Logically, Soobin went to check the bedroom. He carefully opened the door and took a deep breath when he noticed the lump under the comforter of their double bed, the thick fabric slowly moving up and down. He approached the bed and confirmed his suspicion: Yeonjun was asleep.
Soobin didn’t even bother to get mad at the older, not when he had such a serene, peaceful expression on his face, all curled up with clenched fists in front of his cheek that was pressed on the pillow. He sighed, couldn’t help but smirk at the sight in front of him, completely enamored by it.
He lifted the crossbag’s strap from his shoulder to take the weight off of it at last and walked around the bed to the other side of the bedroom, eyes still squinting at the darkness since he didn’t want to turn on the bedside lamp and accidentally wake Yeonjun up. He left the bag inside the wardrobe and clumsily grabbed a towel. He’d just head to the bathroom, take a quick shower and make the ramen himself.
Standing under the shower, Soobin didn’t feel his muscles untightening over the warm water running against his back. Actually, he was still tense, hands moving quickly while he scrubbed his skin with his lavender scented body wash with earnestness.
His mind was in a rush, anticipating the moment he’d finally rest his body under a warm comforter, forehead pressing against his boyfriend’s nape as he’d make him the little spoon, since he was already asleep and Soobin didn’t want to wake him up to cuddle, as much as he wanted to.
Until then, like every day for the past few weeks, he’d not be able to relax properly.
Done with the shower, he wrapped a towel around his waist, left the window open so the steam would come out and headed to their bedroom once again.
He opened the door and closed it behind him carefully — Yeonjun hated to sleep with the door open — so as not to wake him up. The floor felt cold against his feet as he walked to their wardrobe and patted his body with the soft towel, grabbing a pair of sweatpants from the drawer and pulling them to his waist afterwards, not bothering to put on underwear, because he was lazy. Or just exhausted. He couldn’t tell the difference anymore.
Just as he was about to put his shirt on, he heard a low grunt, the sound of the comforter ruffling from their bed making him turn his head abruptly to where Yeonjun was supposed to be sleeping.
Once the older didn’t have his back facing Soobin anymore, puffy eyes from his sleep now looking at him, he widened his gaze when he realized that Soobin had made it home, at last.
During his shower, Soobin understood that Yeonjun had probably fallen asleep after talking to him over texts. And he was greeted with the same reaction he was already expecting.
“Binnie! You’re home!” The usual, only this time a little desperate.
“I’m so sorry, baby, I didn’t mean to fall asleep!” Yeonjun raised the comforter over his body and quickly got up from the bed, rushing around it to hug his boyfriend’s side tightly, not even bothering with the droplets of water falling from the tips of his hair.
Soobin broke the embrace and turned his body to face the other, taking Yeonjun’s hands on his. He placed a kiss on top of each of them and shook his head in denial.
“Don’t get up from the bed so fast, you might faint.” Soobin brushed his thumbs over the back of the older’s hands while he looked at the man in front of him, glad to hear the comfort of his voice after such a long day. “It’s fine, hyung, I’m not that hungry anyway. I’ll just cook something myself.”
Yeonjun raised his eyebrows. “Not that hungry? What do you mean, baby, your hands are shaking!” It was Yeonjun's turn to grab Soobin’s hands as if the act would stop the trembling.
Soobin brushed it off and delicately held his boyfriend’s wrist. He guided them to their shared bed, slowly sitting on its edge.
“I just need to sit down for a while.” Soobin whispered. He let his head fall backwards, his chest felt too heavy.
Yeonjun just stood in front of him with furrowed eyebrows, worried by the look on the younger’s face. Soobin looked exhausted, apathetic, and the exhale he’d left out sounded too heavy.
The sound of the rain against the bedroom window got heavier, louder. As much as Soobin liked the rain he felt like each fall of waterdrops were piercing his mind like tiny needles instead of soothing it. The noise was reaching a point where it wasn’t comforting anymore, just aggressive. Overwhelming.
Soobin had always had a hard time understanding that he deserved to be loved, taken care of. Especially by his boyfriend of three years, for God’s sake. Tonight, this was one of those times.
But there was sweet, healing Choi Yeonjun standing right in front of him, offering a helping hand without hesitating. He had that concerned look in his eyes, worried, questioning, gears in his brain already working to understand what could possibly be wrong with Soobin so he could help. The hand that Soobin wasn’t holding by the wrist hung lonely on the side of Yeonjun’s body, but it twitched in wonder if he could touch the boy sitting in front of him, or if the act would overwhelm him.
“You need to eat, not just sit down,” Yeonjun said matter-of-factly, a big pout on his lips in slight annoyance. “You must be feeling too weak to stand up. Wait here-”
“Jjunnie.” Soobin looked up at his boyfriend with red, glassy eyes, his thick eyebrows curved upwards, pleading. He pulled Yeonjun’s wrist assertively this time and whispered his request, “Just… just sit here with me-”
Then it came.
He couldn’t finish his sentence before his voice cracked and the tears were flooding his eyes, already streaming down his cheeks without permission to do so. Then came the sniffling, the hiccups, and Yeonjun was already sitting next to him, just like Soobin had asked him to, wrapping his arms around the younger’s head and gently placing his forehead on his shoulder.
“Binnie… hyung is so sorry.” Yeonjun whispered while he moved their bodies from left to right and delicately brushed his fingers through his boyfriend’s dark hair, grazing his nails in the bits of hairs on his nape, just the way Soobin liked it.
The older pressed the tip of his nose on the top of Soobin’s head and said, “I’ll be more careful next time, baby, hyung promises-”
“T-that’s not i-it... and it’s not your fault.” Soobin interrupted between the hiccups, his shoulders shaking up and down uncontrollably with the force of his sobbing. He didn’t dare to look at Yeonjun, finding that hiding his face on the crook of the other’s neck was the safest option.
“Then what is it, Bun? Do you want to talk about it?” Yeonjun knew better than to force Soobin to look at him, even if he wanted to look into Soobin’s eyes and show him how much he cared about how the boy was feeling, that he shared every pain Soobin was going through.
He’d always hated seeing him cry, ever since they first met.
Ი𐑼 ⪩ ⪨
When Yeonjun sat on the bus stop’s empty metal bench, he was exhausted. He tapped his foot on the concrete floor, pressing his phone on his ear while he waited for his best friend to pick up the phone call.
The college entrance exam he had just taken wasn’t one for the weak, but Yeonjun thought he was prepared. He had spent ungodly hours hunched over his desk studying for that goddamned test, a whole year of disciplined and diligent preparation.
He thought he could handle the pressure. But at the end of the day, it felt like nothing.
And he felt like shit.
It was a moonless night. His brain was still confused with the fact that the Sun still shined bright in the sky when he entered that classroom. Now that he was outside, it was completely dark and the eighteen year old boy could only think of one thing.
Disappointment.
He was a huge disappointment to his parents.
When Taehyun finally picked up the call, Yeonjun took a deep breath and closed his eyes, barely greeting him before he started endlessly venting. He cursed the fucked up educational system for torturing students with barely developed brains. The sons of bitches that had decided on the theme of the essay he had had to write, but mostly himself for doing such a shitty job at it-
His rambling was interrupted by a sniffling sound and a muttered ‘shit.’ coming from his side. Yeonjun looked to his right, his face that consisted of a scowl now had a confused expression on it.
There was a tall, dark haired boy sitting next to him now. Sobbing. His shoulders shaked up and down fiercely with visible desperation. He had his hands covered with the sleeves of his baby pink sweater and used them to wipe the tears off his face.
He was pink all over. Pink sweater, pink fingertips and pink cheeks from all the crying.
The stranger tried to calm down, he really did. Actually he looked painfully aware of the awkward situation he would cause if he didn’t do so, but apparently he just couldn't. When Yeonjun saw the boy choking in his own tears and hiccups, losing control of his sobbing, he decided he couldn’t just sit there and do nothing even if he didn’t know that person.
He briefly said goodbye to Taehyun and hung up the phone call, eyebrows furrowed not in confusion anymore, but in worry. Yeonjun was afraid the poor boy would end up drowning in his own tears.
The pink-sweater-guy looked to his side and murmured a hushed and shaky apology, embarrassed by the scene he was causing. Yeonjun felt so much for him. And he had an idea as to why.
Judging by the small crossbag on the other’s shoulder and the empty, plastic bottle of water placed in its side pocket Yeonjun figured he might’ve taken the test too. Yeonjun tried to reassure him with a quiet ‘It’s ok.’, after all, he knew exactly what the boy was going through. Only he was trying to hold back for when he’d get home so he could soak his pillow with his tears and sleep the desperation away.
“Did you uh… did you take the test too?” Yeonjun carefully scooted closer to the boy. He wanted to touch his shoulder, hoping it would calm him down a little, but he didn’t know if he was allowed to. He was still a stranger. “Wait, sorry. I don’t think we’ve met before, I’m Choi Yeonjun.”
“C-Choi Soobin. And no, I don’t think we have…” The pink-sweater-guy introduced himself, now fully looking at Yeonjun with red, tired eyes. They mirrored each other’s exhaustion very well. “Yeah, I took the test. Sorry for disturbing your call, I just… I’m in my senior year and I don’t think it went well. I feel like- like-”
“Like shit.” Yeonjun offered a tight but sympathetic smile. “Yeah, me too.”
For a moment, only the bustling sound of the street before them could be heard. The two high school boys shared the same pain through unspoken words.
After a few seconds, Soobin started to explain with a still trembling voice why he was crying so much. Yeonjun wasn’t that much older than him, the boy was only seventeen and was applying for Journalism. Which isn’t such a hard field to apply for but Soobin felt extremely pressured by his parents — and himself — to just do something, according to his venting. And he didn’t want to fail. He felt like he needed to chase dreams he didn’t even know if he had.
Yeonjun felt for Soobin again. He recognized the exhaustion in his hoarse voice, in his eyes, in the way his shoulders were sadly hunched over. The weight on his back too heavy for such a young boy to carry.
“...How can I apply to Journalism if my essay sucked ass? Isn’t that what journalists do? Write?” Soobin spoke with eyes wide open and raised eyebrows. His lips formed a cute little pout, voice now more stable but still in a frustrated tone. Yeonjun let out an airy laugh.
“To be honest, I’ve been telling myself that this bullshit just exists because the government can’t offer higher education for everyone.” Yeonjun spoke with a bitter smirk and threw his hands in the air, finally expressing his outrage. “Which fucking sucks. As far as I’m concerned, this exam can suck my balls.”
Soobin giggled, his shoulders looking a little lighter now.
“You still feel like shit, though.” He said with a small smile in the corner of his lips. Huh. He kind of looks like a bunny.
“Yeah!” The elder said in the midst of giggles, finding humor in his suffering at last.
The atmosphere felt much lighter now. From the moment they started talking, Yeonjun’s bus was still taking a good while to arrive and the conversation ended up taking multiple turns. From music to games, movies and the coffee shop they didn’t know they both frequented but on different days of the week.
With this boy that sat next to him, Yeonjun found himself laughing on what could be one of the worst days of his life. And he could say he had found him endearing.
Soobin looked like a very kind, polite boy and he sounded incredibly smart. Yeonjun even doubted if he really did so bad on the test but only time would tell. He noticed the passion in Soobin’s voice when he talked about his interests, words flowing out of his mouth rapidly and dark chocolate brown eyes wide in excitement. He also noticed he still tried to hold himself back, probably afraid to overwhelm the elder, which was even more endearing. Because if there was one thing Soobin couldn’t hold back, it was the sparks in his eyes when he talked about his music or what his favorite movie meant to him.
Yeonjun liked this vision better. The pink-sweater-guy looked much prettier like this.
He paid so much attention to the sweet boy next to him that he almost missed his bus. If it weren’t for Soobin suddenly standing up and waving his hand so the driver would stop.
Yeonjun observed that both of them were preparing to say goodbye and hop on the bus parked in front of them. “Wait! You’re taking this one too?” He says, kind of wishing he would get more time with this guy. They had just met, but Soobin already felt so familiar to Yeonjun and he wanted to get to know him better.
Soobin nodded enthusiastically while he looked for his student-pass on his bag. They both smiled at each other, glad that they could talk for just a little longer and forget about all the frustration they were feeling earlier.
Yeonjun wished Soobin would stick around, the feeling of endearment spreading in his chest warmly.
Ი𐑼 ⪩ ⪨
Never in his life did Yeonjun just stand in front of Soobin while he watched the younger cry. Even in their worst fights he would always at least hold his hand and caress its back with his thumb, waiting for the boy to calm down. Soobin didn’t deserve to cry.
That’s why he decided to just stay silent and keep moving their bodies when he noticed the lack of answer from his boyfriend, trying to guide him into tranquility with small ‘Shh's' and ‘hyung is here’, while passing his fingers through his dark hair. Still sitting on the bed, Soobin turned his body completely to face the one beside him and wrap his legs around Yeonjun’s waist.
For a while, only the ruffle of Soobin's clothes against the mattress when he tried to adjust his position spoke for the two of them, as well as the occasional sniffling. He pressed his temple on the older's shoulder, the most he could do right now to not hide his face anymore.
That's when he finally spoke in a vulnerable whisper,
“Do you think I’m worthless?”
Yeonjun felt his bones crushing. He could hear the sound of his own heart shattering inside his ribcage when he heard the words his boyfriend uttered. Was that even a question?
He gently pressed his palm on Soobin's exposed cheek, the one facing the space between them and the ceiling that was decorated with glow-in-the-dark stars. He brushed his thumb on the soft skin and matched Soobin's fragile tone when he reassured him.
“Baby, you know hyung would never think that. You wanna tell me what’s on your mind?”
A moment of silence stretched between them before Soobin finally faced Yeonjun’s eyes with his and asked, “Can we get under the covers? I’m cold…”
Yeonjun nodded with a small smile on his lips, grabbed Soobin's hand and whispered a short ‘come on.’ before he laid down on his usual side of the bed and raised the comforter to make space for Soobin beside him.
The younger promptly followed him under the covers, bringing the edge of the thick fabric up to his face until it was covering the tip of his nose. Only his eyes were exposed now, heavy eyelids doing its best to stay open.
Soobin felt the weight of Yeonjun’s leg on top of his, then he felt his body being pulled closer to the other’s and Yeonjun’s chest pressing against Soobin’s side softly, encouraging the boy that was still sniffling to face him properly if he wanted to. Yeonjun seeked Soobin's hand under the comforter with his, intertwined their fingers and squeezed his palm two times. He wanted to show Soobin that he was ready to listen whenever the younger wanted to start.
Soobin turned his head to the side, opened and closed his mouth once, twice, and sighed every time he realized he couldn’t think of the right words to say. Expressing his feelings had always been his biggest issue, a frequent topic during their relationship but one they were evolving each day with baby steps. Yeonjun had always been so patient with him, it made him think he didn’t deserve it. That serenity, that adoration, a love so pure it would make Yeonjun go through every hardship Soobin had to endure without question.
It had finally sinked in when Soobin saw that same adoration in Yeonjun’s eyes.
He didn't deserve it. Happiness, patience, comprehension. Because he didn’t know what to do with it.
“I’m not proud of myself. And I don’t think I’ll ever be." Soobin muttered under his breath with a trembling voice, eyes reflecting how terrified he was of whatever he had been keeping to himself. Yeonjun could only see a glimpse of it under the darkness that surrounded the two of them.
Soobin took a deep breath as he kept venting. “I’m scared of what I’ll inevitably become. I wake up every day with this feeling of dread like I don’t want to face what life has in store for me, even if it’s just for an ordinary day.”
Yeonjun just nodded along to what Soobin was saying and held his boyfriend’s hands tight when it started to shake again. He tried to do anything to show the scared, young boy in front of him that he was not alone, that Yeonjun cared.
“I just feel stuck. There are days where I think I’m out of this rabbit hole… that dark place where I hurt myself with harsh words about not being enough to my professors, to my family…” Soobin closed his eyes, exhaled heavily and opened them again. “To you. Only to find myself deeper in it each time. It’s a spiral I just can’t stop myself from falling into.”
People say the eyes are the windows to one’s soul. Soobin’s windows were wide open now, inviting Yeonjun to a part of him, a side so sad and evil that was almost consuming him whole.
Soobin could describe this feeling as ocean waves.
Sometimes, he could see himself in a beautiful, but dark beach. It would always be a moonless night, the sky missing its muse and the sea without the moonlight to decorate it.
He’d take long steps into the ocean. He’d invite himself in until the water was covering his body right above his navel, then bury his feet in the sand, trying to balance himself as the waves came.
One, shy and delicate, only grazing his skin. It could be soothing just as much as it could be a warning for what was to come.
Two, now more dangerous, only daring to bring Soobin down into the water.
Then three, tall and strong, fueled with aggression and anger, determined to finally envelope him completely and fiercely, salt grains hitting like needles to his sensitive skin.
His voice was still shaking as he continued, “I keep dissociating, trying to distract myself with whatever new obsession I have so I don’t face the truth: I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know if I’m doing all of this right, and if I’m not, what if I can’t fix my mistakes in the future? And if I don’t figure out if this is the right path, I’m gonna end up in a job I don’t like, underpaid and in a miserable life...”
Soobin pressed his lips tightly, then lowered his gaze to where their hands remained intertwined under the comforter. “Well, it won’t be miserable if I have you. But I’m afraid that if I end up like that, I won’t be enough for you anymore and you’ll just- just-”
“Never.” Yeonjun interrupted with a determined gaze, low voice piercing through Soobin’s chest.
He squeezed Soobin’s hand one more time before letting it go to hold his boyfriend’s face and caressed his cheeks with his thumbs, feeling the dried tears on his phalanges. A painful reminder of how much the younger had been suffering in silence.
“Don’t even think about it. Binnie… you don’t understand, do you?”
Soobin’s furrowed eyebrows told Yeonjun that he actually did not understand. It had always been hard for him to do so, ever since they met. But Yeonjun would never give up on trying to make the boy he loved see himself with brighter eyes, the way Yeonjun did.
Yeonjun traveled his hands through Soobin’s still drying hair from the shower, the scent of fresh strawberries of his shampoo just faint. Their noses were almost touching now, breathing each other’s air. He took the opportunity to kiss each of the other’s now closed eyelids, the tip of his nose and finally his tiny, pouty lips that had always resembled him of a bunny.
“I would never leave you…” He whispered, “not in a million years. Not even if you decided to spend the rest of your life playing League with that friend of yours.”
“E-sports is a thing, you know?” Soobin raised an eyebrow, not missing one opportunity to be a menace even at his lowest, “I could be a pro. Beomgyu and I could be part of a team.”
Yeonjun smiled fondly. “I know. That’s what I’m saying. You could be a pro-player, a journalist, anything… you could be an indie musician that just never had your career skyrocketed to the world. I’d still be by your side.”
Soobin did that thing he always does when he doesn’t accept that someone understands him: he lowered his gaze again, squinted one of his eyes and bit his lower lip, trying to rip its thin skin off.
“I don’t deserve it. All that patience. My parents have always been supportive of me as long as I become something.” He kept his tone careful and hushed, like the atmosphere between them would break if he raised his voice even if just a little bit. “Anything that doesn’t make me a complete failure.”
Soobin squeezed his eyes shut, trying to keep the tears from spilling out again. “I shouldn’t even be weeping like this when you had it so much harder than me. That’s why I should be doing so much more, studying harder, aiming higher-”
“Don’t compare yourself to me. We’ve talked about this, baby.”
They did, very early into their relationship. At the time, when the results of the exam came out, his grade wasn’t high enough to get into a good institution and Soobin kept beating himself up for having to take the annual exam again.
After three years, Soobin still thought he needed to work to earn the consideration of other people. Still thought he needed to buy it by working his ass off until he was begging on his knees for a break. Which he’d never do.
Yeonjun kept his tone just as careful as Soobin’s, sympathy dripping out of his lips, “You don’t get to decide where I lay my patience. And it’s not just patience, it’s support. I support you because I love you and I see how hard you work, even if you don’t recognize it yourself. You’re already doing so much and you still think it’s not enough…”
Soobin threw an arm over Yeonjun’s waist and buried his face in the gap between the pillow and the crook of the other’s neck, inhaling his comforting scent that was just so Yeonjun. Lavender scented fabric softener from the recent laundry he must’ve done and the notes of vanilla from his body wash. It still didn’t overcome the smell of just his skin.
The silence stretched between them one more time. In moments like this, Soobin just needed to stay silent for a while, mind running a million miles a second while he tried to make sense of every feeling that’s been stabbing his heart.
Yeonjun decided to give him a little push, “You’ve been feeling like this for a long time, right?” Soobin nodded, face still in his boyfriend’s neck, now only seeking comfort instead of hiding.
Yeonjun caressed the top of his head with the tip of his fingers, trying to find the right words to help his boyfriend wake up with a lighter heart in the morning. “I know… I know because I feel it too.”
Soobin tightened their embrace and expressed his confusion with a hushed ‘really?’. His voice was so tiny it almost tore Yeonjun’s heart apart again.
They both met each other in a very fragile state of their lives. Soobin was constantly trying to keep his mind sane and away from the silent but piercing pressure of his parents. As for Yeonjun, after the college entrance exam fiasco he finally had the courage to stand up against his parents. He imposed himself and told them their dreams were not his, that he wanted to become a respected choreographer instead of lawyer.
At the time Yeonjun told Soobin the story with bravery, excitement and determination all in the same pair of eyes. The younger boy, aware of how scared he was of living his own life, saw a vision of Yeonjun he could never forget.
He had always been so sure of what he wanted it had never come to Soobin that Yeonjun might have the same fears as him. He was a young man in his early twenties too, after all.
Yeonjun enveloped Soobin’s back with both of his arms and rocked their bodies once again gently, slowly. Heartbeats tuned in the same rhythm as Soobin finally calmed down once and for all.
“I fight with myself all the time to understand that everybody’s deserving of patience.” He whispered, lips brushing against his boyfriend’s ear. “That life might move fast, but I don’t have to take bigger steps than needed. That I’m already doing enough because I’m betting on myself just by getting into college. But it’s so hard to not have doubts…”
The older broke the embrace just barely to look into Soobin’s eyes, limbs still touching, hands taking their path to his boyfriend’s face once again. Heartbeats always synchronized.
“That’s why I’m not gonna say it’ll get better. Because I know this is a moment of doubting. You’re scared of that and I am too, but maybe that’s just… how it’s supposed to be.”
Soobin thinned his lips again, still trying to wrap his head around the words Yeonjun was muttering to him. “We don’t have to have it all figured out when we’ve barely just started, even if the world wants us to. You don’t have to beat yourself up because you’re feeling lost.”
“...I am scared.” Soobin took his boyfriend’s wrists in his hands and brushed his thumbs where Yeonjun’s pulse was beating. Calm and stable. “I’m scared of becoming someone who’ll always rely on others, a coward that’s never independent. I don’t want to feel like a scared child all the time, I want to live. I want to see the world with my own eyes, with you.”
Soobin felt his throat tightening again. The thought of not living his dreams beside Yeonjun devastated him. “How can I do that when I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning because I’m so terrified of failure?”
Yeonjun exhaled through his nose with a loving smile, eyes turning into crescents, gazing at him with all the adoration Soobin thought he didn’t deserve. “My baby, we’ll do it all together. In fact, we already are. We got this apartment, we have internships that make us enough money so we don’t starve, we pay our own bills… each day we’re building our own lives brick by brick.”
He pecked Soobin’s pouty lips once again briefly, “You have me. You’re not alone. And honestly, even if I wasn’t in your life, you need to give yourself more credit. A chance to let things work out on their own and make your own decisions. Because this is your life. If you ever want to change the course of it, do it. No matter when, just do it. I’ll always believe in you.”
Soobin closed his eyes and leaned his cheek in the other’s palm. He turned his face to leave a lingering kiss on it and nuzzled his nose on the soft skin right after.
He was so lucky. So lucky to have the kindest soul in the world saying such comforting words to him.
“I’ll always believe in you too…” The tall boy watched the smile on Yeonjun’s face grow bigger, more affectionate in that particular way that made his nose squint and flashed his bunny teeth.
“I know, Bun.” Yeonjun hugged the body in front of him tight, but careful, as if it was made of porcelain and could break at any harsh exhale. He liked to think that’s how he’d hold Soobin’s heart in his hands. “You’re deserving of patience, understanding, love… how could you not be? When you’ve only done so good to this world just by being yourself.”
Yeonjun started to place quick pecks all over Soobin’s face, now squeezing the other’s torso aggressively. “My sweet, loving boy, so-”
“Okay, okay!” Soobin said in the midst of desperate giggling, trying to free himself from his boyfriend’s tight embrace, “You’re so cheesy...” But the younger couldn't hide the huge smile on his face, lips stretching from ear to ear. Yeonjun was the only one who got to see it. Because only Yeonjun could make him feel this way.
Loved, cherished.
Worthy.
They looked at each other again and it was Yeonjun’s turn to tear up at the sight he was the most in love with. A giggly, smiling Soobin that laid next to him with pink cheeks not from all the crying, but from how flustered he was feeling. The amount of love and care he was being showered with filled his stomach with butterflies.
Yeonjun couldn’t believe someone like him couldn’t understand how loved he was, not when Soobin was so precious and unique to this world. There was no one like him. But again, Yeonjun would never give up on trying to make Soobin see himself with brighter eyes.
“You know I love you so much, baby…” Yeonjun said while he felt Soobin move to hover over his body, still under the covers.
Soobin placed his legs on each side of Yeonjun's waist, burying his nose on the crook of the other's neck. The younger pressed his chest against Yeonjun's and shoved his hands under his torso, hands on his back, to hug him tightly, making Yeonjun his warm body-pillow.
Yeonjun grabbed Soobin’s face by the chin gently, raising his boyfriend’s face from his neck. The look of adoration didn’t feel so overwhelming to Soobin anymore. It was intense, but Soobin knew what to do with it now. He just needed to give it back to Yeonjun. Because just like Soobin deserved to be loved, Yeonjun did too.
With an endeared smile, Soobin brushed their noses against each other. And in an act of love, he placed a gentle but firm kiss against Yeonjun’s lips, feeling the warm skin of the older’s cheeks in both of his palms.
Yeonjun placed the hand that was once holding Soobin’s chin on his nape, scratching the tiny bits of hair in there while he poured his heart out in their kiss, lips moving slowly and languidly. Hearts still beating in the same rhythm as one another.
The heavy storm had died down, just enough so the noise that was once panicking came back to its comforting nature. It was still there, but the thin drops of water were now shyly touching the bedroom window that kept their bubble of love safe.
It’s not like they were out of the woods already. They still had a long way to go, a lot to face on each day of their lives that would make them understand themselves better and where this treacherous path was leading them to.
But Soobin felt comforted to know that he could close his eyes and see himself in that beach again, where the Moon wasn’t there to watch over him. But Yeonjun was.
This time, Yeonjun was there, promptly presenting his hand so Soobin could hold it tight each time the ocean waves hit him, never letting him drown.
And he’d do the same for Yeonjun too. They knew exactly what they were going through, after all.
They shared one, two, then three lingering pecks before their lips pulled apart from each other. Soobin exhaled, undoubtedly and completely in love with the boy lying underneath him.
“I love you too, hyungie.”