Chapter Text
a few minutes after they got into the car, the rain started pouring. what a sad valentine.
taehyung remembered himself a year ago, still high on weed and on the belief that next year will be better.
it must be better. because... because it has to.
because by next year he would finally get his shit together and take himself more seriously and maybe get into a gym and work on his woggly body (and maybe work a little bit on his personality too) and just, just, it's just going to be better.
sort itself out.
by next year, he naively thought back then. but the year is here and nothing changed. his tummy is still mushy and his feelings are all sappy (rhyme) and now he just had a man to cry about instead of feeling blue for being single but somehow it didn't make things better
so with the rain pouring and his head all over the place, taehyung started crying. crying for his sad little life that he totally could turn around if he just had the energy and focus but somehow there was always something else to do, something else to keep his mind occupied
what a pathetic excuse of a human
he felt terrible. it wasn't even about jungkook anymore, and he knew it. it was always him, always about himself.
how could anyone else love this kind of taehyung? how can anyone see the actual taehyung, the one he knows he is in his head-- if that's the one he always show to others?
the one that makes a joke when things feel awkward, that says what people want to hear instead of what he wants to say, the one that lets people have their way with him because its scary if they walk away after he stands for himself. it's easier than put on a fight and have to deal with arguments.
with jungkook he tested limits-- alot. probably for fun and in the name of flirting but mainly for the attention it got him. taehyung loved attention. loved being loved and cared for.
and blame him all you want but when you spend the majority of your life with a dad who doesn't process feelings all too well, and with yourself, a person who you don't really like that much (so how? how can anyone else love him?)
then you'll take love in any shape and form, from whoever gives it to you. especially if that person is hot and successful with tattoos and piercings and muscles that taehyung is sketching over and over again in his notebook and god that ass
jungkook is not his father but he likes to be called daddy and taehyung likes the attention he gets when he plays along (and the socks that jungkook put on his feet, and how he cares. he must care, a little, right?)
taehyung wanted to end things for a while, but he kept postponing and postponing cause as much as he cared about his own feelings and heart getting hurt, he also didn't want to lose this.
if he could have had it his way then jungkook would be dumping his wife by now, because he never loved her anyway and he would realize, yes he would! that it was actually taehyung, the one who made him see how beautiful love can be
but did taehyung even know love? ever met her? or was she only a fictional character in his head?
if he could have it his way, there would be no dolls and jungkook wouldn't need kim mingyu and taehyung would give it to him. give him whatever he wants, whenever he wants it
and maybe it was time to grow up, tear, and maybe it was time to stop being so childish, hiccup, and maybe it was time to end this, sniff, hoping that maybe if he did, jungkook would stop him. confess something.
hope was a dangerous thing when you're far from understanding reality
as for jungkook, whether he noticed that taehyung cried or not, didn't react. he drove in silence and didn't look, not even through the rearview mirror, not even once.
it happened, of course it did. because it was bounded to and yoongi looked so freaking handsome and jimin, as patient and composed as he usually was, had his limits as well (he was horny)
jimin breathed for the last time before his lips were attacked by yoongi's warm ones.
he traced his fingers over the line of jimin's smooth and delicate jaw. wanting to dig his nails right in and claim claim claim. mine mine mine.
but instead he was gentle, careful. jimin was unexpected. a risky game. one that he really wants to win.
he wanted his mouth on his for years, and when it happened for the first time awhile ago-- he couldn't let it be a one time thing. nor should he. why would he? there's a park jimin in his life and who on earth in his sane mind would like someone like that get away?
jimin's plush lips parted. tingles. shivers. soft but confident and slow but so fucking hot. it was so so fucking hot.
jimin made a naughty little sound and responded to yoongi's hungry lips. jimin kept his eyes open at first, just a little, just a squint, to look at how yoongi's brows furrowed as he put all the effort and focus in kissing jimin like it was the most important thing
for him, it really was
jimin melted into the kiss, poked his tongue out. let me in, it begged.
their tongues, smooth and wet and pulsing, their lips-- soft on soft, desperate, they both felt it in the way the kissed each other
it really took so little effort on jimin's part-- just the decision to finally give in, just another night. never again, he kept telling himself, promising because maybe it was a bad idea but yoongi felt so good. so so good.
they stopped kissing, just to breath. just a moment. but when their eyes met again, jimin found himself smiling and the smitten kitten didn't find any of it amusing. if what, he was annoyed, mad, that breathing was a necessary thing because it kept him away, and if he had to spend another second away from those lips he would go fucking insane
so he kissed him again
"ngh-- yoongi--"
"please" the other murmured against his lips. leaning forward with his body until they slowly started moving towards the bedroom
"please fuck me" yoongi said, and jimin had no intention to, at first, but he nodded, wrapped his arms around yoongi's neck and let him lead them
stumbling and focusing on keeping their lips attached, they found themselves falling to the bed with a thud
yoongi climbed on top of him, hungry and desperate and scared that this, him, would take it away from him any second now
hungry. yoongi was fucking hungry and jimin was a delicious meal. he panted above jimin's face, locking eyes. are you going to stop me?
he wouldn't. he would let him kiss and lick and tease and build it up until jimin would take over
yoongi pulled up his shirt, mewling when it got stuck on jimin's arms. "come on, baby, help me out here"
jimin lifted his arms and helped him take his shirt off. bare chested on yoongi's bed, he didn't have the time to be self conscious about anything because a moment later yoongi was already kissing him again
as their lips found comfort in each other again, jimin felt a curious cat's hand brushing over his nipple, circling around the hardening bud.
he arched his back, so sensitive to the smallest touch. yoongi could feel himself getting hard, and he pressed his crotch against jimin's, needing to feel something
soft dirty moans and the crackling of the bed and it was so hot that a little bit of sweat was forming on jimin's chest
yoongi lowered himself, kissed his way from his mouth to his bottom lip to his chin. kiss kiss kiss. greedy, taking every spot on his body, not wanting to miss any.
"come on, make me hard for you" jimin teased, "you wanted this so you should-- ah! fuck" yoongi bit the nipple he so gently only a moment ago
"lick kitty, don't bite" jimin smacked his head gently.
yoongi only chuckled, a breath of hot air hitting right at the tip of his right nipple and jimin arched again, wanting more
"you're so beautiful"
"shh, don't talk"
"kiss me again" yoongi went up a little, leaning forward for a kiss. it was not even two seconds long before jimin turned his head aside
fidgeting with the zipper of his pants until he managed to somehow lower them to his thighs, he slapped yoongi's ass playfully
"lets make it quick, ok?"
"why?"
"i don't wanna-- don't look at me like that"
"like what?"
"yoongi..."
"why does it have to be like that? can't we just--" he whined
"we can't" jimin's heartbeat went crazy in his chest. he can't allow himself get crazy over someone like yoongi.
"but why?"
jimin pushed him off, exhaling. "now you went on and ruined the mood"
"wait-- hey, don't go"
"i need-- i wanna go home"
"jimin"
"i'll wait for a taxi downstairs"
"taehyung?"
"can i come in?"
"umm, i don't have food--"
"i-- can i come in, dad?"
"sure, son"
taehyung walked inside the cold apartment. obviously his dad didn't have enough money to turn on the heater, that would also explain the many many blankets on the couch
"how are you doing?"
"you know, back to normal"
"hmm"
"tae?"
"what?" he lifted his head from the ground. he felt the tears drying on his cheeks. "come sit"
he walked to the couch and sat next to his dad, taking a pillow into his lap and burying his head in it. he wanted to scream.
leaving the car wasn't awkward because he didn't let it be. he just got out and shut the door before he would have to deal with jungkook calling him a child again or trying to talk some sense into him.
"i-- do you want a beer?"
"no" his voice muffled
"ok"
his dad coughed awkwardly, not exactly sure what he's suppose to do with his son
"do you... umm, are you sleeping here tonight?"
taehyung just groaned. he probably wouldn't. probably would go back to that apartment anyway because what other choice does he have now?
he used big words but in reality he has no where to go. he lost his accommodation-- vitally already got a new roommate for the semester and his dad doesn't really have any space for him (or money)
"tae?"
"what?!"
"jee, relax. your boyfriend dumped you or what?"
taehuyng lifted his head from the pillow and gave his dad a look. can't he for once in taehyung's life just be an understanding father? just once, just tonight. doesn't he know it's valentines? isn't taehyung deserving any kind of love tonight? from anyone?
"yeah, happy?" he sniffed and shut his eyes, head falling back to the pillow with a groan
"happy?" his dad asked, stunned. "why on earth would i be happy? i was just asking, assuming. i didn't like-- i didn't want you to be umm, sad"
taehyung didn't answer. he felt awkward. talking with his dad about jungkook was a stupid idea, but he had no one else or no where else. jimin was probably fed up with him anyway.
everyone hated him all the time and he can't believe how stupid he was to think anything else. too confident. too cocky. always assuming that jungkook's games are because he is fighting some feelings, assuming jimin actually cares about his yapping, assuming that mingyu and jeonghan were actually his friends--
where in reality everybody probably thought he is just a pathetic boy who is clueless and stupid and ugh!!! life is so fucking annoying sometimes
being himself was a tough fucking job and he is tired. he is just so tired
"why did you ever have me?! i hate you"
"what?"
"i never asked to be born. i-- ah!!!!!!" he screamed, "i hate my life, i fucking-- i hate everything"
"ok..."
"ok? really, dad? ok?"
"what do you want me to say to that? you're obviously having a moment here"
"fine. thank you so much for caring and helping"
"stop whining like a girl"
"dad!!! can you fucking just-- for god's sake, can you just be a normal father? for like one night?"
"no. this is who i am taehyung. and this is who you are. lift your-- hey, come on stop pushing me away, lift your head up and deal with it"
taehyung sniffed, but lifted his head anyway, staring at the wall annoyed
"this is life, taehyung. it sucks most of the time, ok? it's not always rainbows and glitter"
when was it ever? taehuyng couldn't recall
"it's not always easy but-- i mean, what do you want me to say? he dumped you. so be it. you'll find a better guy for you. eventually you will because you're only 21 and you have so much ahead of you. is that-- is that what you expected me to say?"
taehyung rolled his eyes
"i mean it, ok? i-- i don't know much about people like you... i mean, guys who like other guys, but humans are all the same. all messed up similar. you got your heart broken and you'll get over it. that's life, taehyung"
"but i--"
"you can't always cry your way out of things. can't pout and make a cute face and expect things to be solved. sometimes you'll have to deal with shit. this is shit-- whatever happened to you now, so just-- just deal with it and move on"
"great advice, father of the year, thank you"
"i might be a shitty father but i'm good at giving the truth as it is. and you needed to hear it"
"yeah?" taehyung chuckled, "then what about you? how long are you planning to drink your life away? don't you fucking care about yourself? about me?"
"lets not mix things in one conversation. do you want to talk about me or about him?"
"both! i want to understand why is it so hard for you people to fucking love me properly and do things right"
"what things?"
"like stop drinking and fucking be there for me. why should i figure out things on my own at 21? because you're a fucking alcoholic i can't live with my own dad. does that sound right to you?"
his dad looked at him, not angry-- just ashamed of himself. and taehyung, when mad, was a brutal little thing
he felt like he has no one. taehyung was so tired of the feeling that people are leaving. that people are always fucking temporary and that he can't, shouldn't, look for a home in another person but damn it why does it seem like everyone got their shit together but him?
"sorry"
"no, don't be. you're right. i never-- i never said i was a good father. i'm not"
"eh, you're not all bad" taehyung looked at him, his lips pressed but twisting a little bit into a smile
"do you-- uhm, do you want to talk about him?"
taehyung shook his head. enough talking. watching a silly movie on his phone was a much better idea.
taehyung felt much better about himself when the clock hit midnight and it was no longer valentines day. his dad fell asleep without too many drinks tonight and it was all thanks to taehyung.
he slowly, quietly, lifted himself from the couch and put on his coat-- ready to walk out and hope to catch a cab because ordering one would be much more expensive
it wasn't raining anymore, but it was cold
so cold outside as it was inside. inside this house with no heater and inside his own body.
taehyung rolled his eyes to the thoughts he had-- about wanting to turn back time and just enjoy this evening before he opened his mouth and ruined everything but no, he did it and he should be happy
should be proud
it's a step forward. not sure where he was going-- but he took a step somewhere. further from jungkook.
well, that's until he opened the door and saw that even after 3 hours, jungkook was still there in his car, all this time he waited outside
he wouldn't lie to himself, he felt a little satisfied, hopeful (what a silly thing), that jungkook was still here. this-- this must be a good thing. right?
no. no no no. don't have those thoughts, tae. don't let his actions fool you again. don't fall even deeper.
he opened the door like it was obvious, not going to play hard to get in this freaking weather.
"go" he said once seated. "my place?" jungkook asked
"no, the apartment" he couldn't look at him. didn't want to.
one look and he would break. he would fucking break.
"how-- why did you wait? i could have slept here and what? you'd wait till morning?"
truth was, jungkook didn't have an answer for that. didn't have a plan. he didn't mentally set a timer for himself for how long he is going to wait for taehyung. he just did.
"you sure you don't want to go back to mine? you can sleep in the guest room"
"i already said no"
"fine" jungkook cleared his throat, driving away
the first 10 minutes went in silence. taehyung looked out the window at the lights, how beautiful the nights in seoul looked like.
"actually, i want to stop somewhere. drop me off next to the bridge in gangnam"
"what? why?"
"i wanna see the lights next to the river"
"taehyung that's all the way in the other side of the city, i'm not going there now"
"fine. then drop me off, i'll take a fucking taxi"
"you're not taking a taxi at this hour"
"you're not--" my dad, my father, my caregiver, my boyfriend. you don't even love me, don't you? isn't that what you said? a non-believer in this love bullshit? so why why why do you do this to me
why do you act like you care?!
"you're not one to decide. stop the car"
"fuck" jungkook hit the leather wheel with his palm, "fine. lets go. didn't know i was your driver"
"if i can be your sex toy for 4 months then you can be my driver for a night, jeon"
fair enough.
when they arrived at the river, taehyung really expected jungkook to leave him there because it was almost 1am and jungkook must have stuff to do tomorrow. and also, because taehyung was unlovable.
he was sure that jungkook would find an excuse any minute now. because why would he stay? taehyung was nothing but greedy tonight. demanding. it wasn't his place to ask jungkook for anything.
jungkook said from the start what this was about but taehyung went ahead and built a whole world in his head about the what ifs
took their flirting and banter as a sign for a maybe
analyzed the times jungkook did answer his texts as interest
picking him up from the club was just cause jungkook is a nice guy, after all.
right?
because if jungkook kept saying this means nothing then wrap your head around it already, kim taehyung.
this. means. nothing.
jungkook had better things to do than spend the rest of his night at the freezing han river with an immature doll that won't even put out.
taehyung walked towards the river, his sneakers make a funny noise against the moist grass. maybe if he just jumps in it will cool down the heat he felt inside of himself from anger and shame
maybe he should just stay in the water, drown himself
no one cares anyway
he is just a son, a student and a friend. not good at any of those and truthfully? he doesn't even know how to find the energy to become one
this is all just too tiring. all too familiar.
boy meets boy
boy likes boy
other boy wants his body, likes the way taehyung sounds like when he's being fucked
boy dumps him and taehyung is once again crying and losing hope until the next time he meets a boy and it all repeats
jungkook is just a pattern but-- but he was older and wiser and he made taehyung feel comfortable and he gave him a home
he gave him that and now it's all going to be gone and he is going to start over
no vitally, no apartment, no mingyu and jeonghan
his dad with no good either
jimin was probably tired of him anyway so
so
so so
should he even try
is it ever going to get better? living?
oh how dramatic. over a boy? his dad would probably say
yes dad, over a boy. but not just any boy-- no, it's not just any boy i am crying over!
don't you see?
it was never about a jeon jungkook or a kim namjoon
wasn't even about the boy who made him has his awaking
it was always about me, dad
i am crying over me
boy meets boy when he looks in the mirror and looks away once he starts hating the face that looks bad
boy meets boy when he is faced with ignorant people who bully him in high school for being gay so he tries to watch straight porn and feels ashamed for not getting a fucking boner
boy meets boy when he has his first serious boyfriend at 18 with the smartest boy he ever knew, just to be treated like a piece of nothing after he lost his virginity to the said boy
because boy always cries over the same boy
for hoping, again, that somehow, this time, things would be different
from one valentine to another-- from this boy to another, taehyung is always left alone.
just he started seriously considering jumping in and saying ciao to this world,
he feels two muscly arms wrapping around his waist, pulling him a little back. not far enough or strong enough that he can't release himself and jump, but it's convincing, for now.
"what do you want? you can go"
"shh"
"don't shh me, jungkook, i--"
jungkook presses taehyung's body against his chest, tightening his hold just a little more. he lays his mouth in taehyung's nape, not kissing, not teasing, just hiding there for a moment.
taehyung might have imagined, but there's a chance jungkook just said he is sorry in a mumble against his nape and taehyung smiles, because it's nice and a little warm in his tummy
"mr jeon" his voice shakes. it's cold outside. his tummy still feels a little funny.
"happy birthday, tae"
"what?"
"how's your father doing? is he all better now?"
"jungkook..."
"don't push me away"
"i'm not, i--"
"lets stay like this, ok?"
why why why
he wants to know why but he already knows the answer
jungkook is just horny and taehyung is easy. always was. so this-- it means nothing. taehyung knows men like jungkook, and he was proven right every single time. no one ever has a change of heart when it comes to him.
"i don't even text her that much... so don't expect texts"
"i don't expect anything anymore"
"hmm... turn around"
he does
he does and jungkook kisses him softly and he lets him. he lets him because its fun, and its nice and the lights are so pretty and so is jungkook. he lets him, ok? he does but he would stop this. he would. but right now he is just too sad to. too distracted again. why was he so mad again?