Work Text:
Unknown, Living Room Area, Unknown Overall Location – Outside of Time
Blinking Tony DiNozzo is sitting in a chair, looking around, and discovers himself in a room stacked with endless books, a TV then somebody else in a chair several feet away. Rubbing his eyes, DiNozzo looks on in disbelief, given…
“Robert Downey Jr?” DiNozzo exclaims.
“A common mistake, looks like I’m that actor on your earth. No, I am indeed Tony Stark, aka Iron Man,” Tony says bitterly.
“Oh man, awesome. All those hot, sexy women are throwing themselves at all. All the fancy toys, not in an elf lord McGeeky way, I grant you, but Black Widow, Pepper Potts, Siff, Maria Hill. I may not know those comic books, though I do know the films and all those hot babes. You know Ziva and Natasha would,” DiNozzo says, going on dreamily, yet gets interrupted.
“Could you stop? Listening to you talk is making my ears bleed. It’s horrible enough we are condemned here,” Tony says.
“What do you mean by ' condemned here? How did even get here?” DiNozzo asks.
“Normally, it is when we die, or picked at a certain point in time. Like old man Steve, who left everybody behind in the present day to live with Peggy Carter, who let HYDRA into SHIELD. Not that Steve could ever admit, and given all the stan love for him, he is forced to read nonstop fan fics where Peggy Carter gets called out. Or fan-made videos of the other pairings people like, such as Steve/Natasha. Even a few of Peter not being a pandering device to either one of us. As that is all, Peter Parker is a figure caught between a Steve vs my stan base, still fighting for most of MCU fandom,” Tony says, “In your case, you are different.”
“Of course I am, I am a very special agent,” DiNozzo quips, trying to hide his unease.
“That won’t work. I used to use humor as a fallback, but in here, eventually, all that is stripped away. In your case, nobody besides your delusional fan base of stans who still cannot let go of Dead Air for happening off-screen, constantly write fics projecting your flaws onto McGee with Ziva for acting like they are gleeful narcissists kicking puppies. Or Tiva fans care about you anymore. The quite literal death of your Tiva show after one season, the shortest ever NCIS spin-off… is what brought you here,” Tony says.
“No, that cannot be. Everybody loves Tiva; it’s one of the healthiest pairings around. And everybody loves me, the show has never been the same since I left. I was even more important than Gibbs and certainly McGee,” DiNozzo proclaims.
“Ah, you sound like Abby Scuito, Kylo Renn, Peggy Carter, Kate Beckett, among others, when first arriving. I know you do not care, given Tiva is all about you, but Ziva David is nowhere around. Tiva is not a healthy pairing or a natural one. You sexually harassed Ziva for years, made comments like your life would have had more meaning if you slept with me. Or constantly called her a hot ninja with a gun. The showrunners had to decide by season 10 have when Ziva was praying after her father’s murder, for a sign is you walk through the door. When God has to start shipping your pairing you relationship is very full of holes,” Tony says.
“If we are talking about pandering, you are in no position,” DiNozzo starts, yet is cut off.
“No, I am because you are worse. Yes, I have some variant of this face showing up as Dr. Doom. I had the entire Civil War film, even had me in a greater part cause my actor bragged about hijacking a Captain America film being Iron Man 4. And the film, rewritten to not show me in a negative light, got off pretty much free after creating Ultron; well, Banner helped as well. I blackmailed and kidnapped Peter Parker, turning him Iron Boy for five films that the fandom has run with far greater into truly disturbing infantilized stuff. I got a heroic death in Endgame and even ignored that EDITH was a Project Insight all over again, since I cannot be shown as wrong. My trying to murder Bucky Barnes in cold blood just to hurt Rogers was excused as well,” Tony says. “Yet despite all that worse the pandering for you is much worse.”
“No, you are,” DiNozzo says, only to be once more cut off.
“Much! worse! You had Gibbs backing up and dismissing, ignoring, or even helping abuse Timothy McGee for years. Including life threatening of day one leaving him alone at a crime scene with a killer on the loose for fun, mocking him along with Kate Todd when McGee was trying to cross a mind field, putting superglue on his keyboard, putting a Dog Attacks CD into a computer just mere hours after a dog attack nearly killed him. Which could have triggered anything from a panic attack of PTSD to a heart attack, for example. Stealing his food to eat in front of him, also out of jealously cause Ziva brought something for McGee as a thank you. That’s just some of the stuff off the top of my head. You also pursued Ziva for years, referring to her only as some sex object,” Tony says.
“Ziva flirted back, that was our thing,” DiNozzo protests.
“When she wasn’t just full out finding you appalling, at most friendly coworkers and her parts of flirting, before the retcons truly kicked in, especially in the later seasons, were falling back to her Mossad ways. Like Natasha flirting to throw you off your game. Anytime Ziva tried to hold a serious conversation with you such as in Silent Night, about family, all you did was flee in terror, and that’s just one example. Hell, even as bad as Bruce Banner/Natasha is, at least their relationship was built on toxic, stalking, and sexual harassment to fill up an entire HR file room. Really only thing your Tony&Ziva show proved is how much better off everybody would be, including your kid, who doesn’t even want her parents back together,” Tony says. “Really, Tiva is more like Steggy for Peggy shooting at Steve out of jealousy, and Steve just looking on in awe as if that abuse is okay.”
“You are going to lecture me, given everything you’ve done, you narcissist,” DiNozzo replies.
“Remove my writer’s protection, and all I am is a narcissistic nutbar who was still a merchant of death. Maybe I could fit for HYDRA. You, on the other hand, fit a rapist with abuse issues, and your so-called greatest pairing is from stalking/sexually harassing for years,” Tony replies calmly
DiNozzo goes to speak, yet stops because of realizing there are no words. There is no mask, no defense. It’s pointless; there is nobody here to find him funny, no pranks, or anybody to enable his antics.
“What do we do for spending time?” DiNozzo asks.
“You haven’t figured it out yet? Thought you were some very special agent. Tribute videos of McGee/Ziva, in your case, and fan fiction stories written that show you being exposed for what you truly are. And thrown in is McGiva. Plus, the stories where McGee has good focus and treatment with being a leader,” Tony says.
“I think, I’m going to throw up. There’s no way Elf lord should… just gah I’ll never sleep again,” DiNozzo says, visibly ill.
“Don’t worry, you don’t. We don’t need to eat or sleep in here,” Tony says.
“When do we get out of this… hell?” DiNozzo demands.
“Um, when the universes we come from stop writing poor stories and pandering. Could involve our fandoms, too, not sure,” Tony says, “It could be worse.”
“Worse?” DiNozzo squeaks out.
“Could be in extreme isolation like Iris West from the CW show, various Batmans from Frank Miller onwards, Joker, and others, for example. Those people so bad they don’t get to talk to each other like we can. Or… actual lake of fire hell in one realm anyway. Where the booze drinking and cigarette addicted narcissist Beth Dutton from Yellowstone ended up. A monster willing to murder an innocent child that her fandom with head creator Taylor Sheridan defends,” Tony replies.
The only thing the sexist bully can do is stand there in frozen shock until Stark, grabbing a stack of fan fic stories, walks over, pushing them into the one NCIS investigator’s chest.
“Get to work. Maybe if you read enough, you can find your way out,” Tony says.
“Actually work?” DiNozzo asks hopefully.
“No, believe us, we’ve all tried. But the author who put us here… we think is all out of mercy,” Tony replies, “Don’t worry, Mark Harmon’s Gibbs, besides the final few seasons version or NCIS Origins, will be here soon enough to keep us company.”
“Where do they uh, go?” DiNozzo asks.
“The better, likable characters or the butchery is so bad? Ones like Timothy McGee, no doubt Tom Holland Peter's eventual fate, Charlie as Matt, Ziva David, Clint Eastwood’s characters, certain ones from Lord of the Rings, even some good villains like Wilson Fisk, Magneto from Fox films, and so forth? They end up in a happier afterlife,” Tony says in disgust.
Glaring up at the sky, “I hate you, and your kind that don’t allow me to be free,” DiNozzo yells.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” Tony warns.
“Why?” DiNozzo asks, “Not like can make our lives worse?”
“Yes, the author realm, seeing through us? With infinite multiverses inside pockets of other multiverses? It’s where all these stories come from; there are always new ways to have life miserable for our counterparts and extend our stay here. Because we have to read and watch everything,” Tony says.
DiNozzo merely gulps in dread.