Chapter Text
How do you touch a cloud? How does a man dying of thirst keep from gorging on a pool of water? If you’re the only one to hear a sound, will your mind eventually believe it never happened?
Inara thought herself a pretty good judge of people. While any day had the chance of something unexpected, she felt reasonably safe in predicting what people would do, or at least how they might react in any given situation. This of course meant when she heard a feather-light knock upon her door, that she was rather unprepared for what awaited.
He didn’t want to do it, figured at best it wouldn’t help, and at worst might put him in a hole deeper than the one he already found himself in, but he didn’t know where else to turn. He could barely summon the courage to knock, which is probably why it didn’t have his characteristic heft to it. Part of him wanted her to answer, while a small part hoped she wouldn’t even hear it and he wouldn’t have to face his demons.
“Jayne? Is...there something I can help you with?”
He was staring at the ground instead of meeting her eyes - curious, she couldn’t remember a time she’d seen him this way.
“Yeah, I, uh, don’t know what to do, can we talk?”
She motioned for him to enter and steeled herself for the expected comment regarding the smell, but no words came from his lips. Though various questions ran through her mind, his demeanor told her that she needed to wait for him to speak.
“So, I uh, found something…. Or maybe it found me? The kind of something a guy like me has no business hoping for, because he ain’t ever gonna be worthy of such a thing. The kind of thing that cuts to the very core of you; reminds you of who you used to be, and gives you the hope that maybe you could try and be that person again…”
Although he had not raised his head much, he spoke in an animated fashion, like he was speaking to her, but at the same time relieving a great weight by voicing his thoughts out loud. In fact, it was only at the end when his voice took a downturn as he spoke.
“And I know it ain’t right to be so dependent on something, but I ain’t rightly sure how to feel any other way. And I ain’t got any clue what will be left of me when it’s gone...”
“What makes you so sure that you will lose it?”
For the first time since he had entered her shuttle, he raised his head to look at her, and she saw the full weight of desperation and grief in his eyes. His voice hoarse, barely audible even in such close proximity.
“How kin you touch a rainbow? Or hold a sunset in your arms? Or when you see a bolt of lightning in a rainstorm and you ain’t ever seen nothin’ so powerfully pure, but your brain starts to doubt until maybe you ain’t even sure you saw it in the first place. They ain’t but momentary, and then they’s gone!”
His voice was almost alien to the image of him that she had built up in her mind, the emotion leaving her uncharacteristically speechless. All of her training seemed to fail her in the face of his pain, until she did the one thing for him that she never imagined: spoke to him from the heart.
“Mal thought I was untouchable.”
Even in his subdued state, he could feel the effort it had taken her to get those words out.
“He was so worried about what he thought of me that he never even considered what I thought of him, let alone myself. In his mind I was a queen, something divine who had no flaws that he could never hope to reach. His fear of losing me was stronger than his fear of never having me at all, and it meant he forgot the most important rule of a relationship.”
“What’s that?”
“While it is true that some are actually villainous, most of us are just trying to survive in this world like everyone else. We’re lazy, sometimes selfish, and yes, even stupid. But despite all of those things, we choose to forge relationships because we’re better together, because regardless of what we deserve, if we’re very lucky, we find someone who makes us better.”
“But it’s ME, how kin you be sure I ain’t gonna mess it up?”
“While your introspection is admirable, perhaps it would do you good to look in a mirror. Too often our faults can overwhelm us and leave us blind to what we might do for another. You measure yourself by a different standard when everyone has their own flaws. Instead of worrying what could happen, simply allow yourself to accept and enjoy what is.”
At this he seemed to straighten up, take a deep breath, and steady himself.
“I guess there ain’t no point in worrying about losing what I’ve got if I let it keep me from making memories worth losing in the first place. I guess I better go explain before she gets too worked up about nothin’”
“Sharing yourself with her, your true feelings, is never nothing, Jayne.”
At these words he gave her a nod and walked out...